22. Telepathy
My grandfather claimed that the reason we could never find bigfoot as because bigfoot had telepathy and always new we were looking for him. Also he said crickets had telepathy.
23. Two Thumbs
My elderly and very cajun aunt once gave me two thumbs up… She is standing there with a grin on her face… I look at her almost afraid to ask… but I do… and she says “what has two thumbs and likes oral sex?” I reply ” I don’t know!?” She tilts her thumbs towards herself and says “I do!” That was the first time I got to hear one of “those jokes” without being sent out of the room! It was hilarious! She was my favorite Aunt!
24. Diet Coke
I worked in a grocery store. An old lady came up to me and asked me where the Diet Coke was. As I walked her to it she told me her grandson was making her start to drink Diet Coke versus the regular kind because of how bad the sugar was for her teeth. She was sweet and funny about it, putting me at my ease. She went on to say that her doctor had made her quit drinking alcohol and smoking cigarettes. To that I responded with the first bit of a rhyme my father taught me. The whole rhyme is “I don’t drink and I don’t chew and I don’t kiss the girls that do.” I said to her: “You don’t drink and you don’t chew …” She must have misheard me because, she replied, “That’s right! I don’t screw anymore either! I’m getting too old for everything.”
25. Style updates
My fiance and I were headed to a friends wedding and he had his converse sneakers on with his suit. My 80 year old grandmother asked if he was going to change his shoes. He replied “No grandma, thats the style now-a-days.” To which she replied “Well nobody told me!” Clearly the Today show and Game Show Network are failing her on fashion updates.
26. Hip lingo
My grandma is a goldmine for amusing (and oddly sweet) utterances.
After asking someone to remove some old newspapers and things from the trunk of her car: “I don’t like too much junk in the trunk!”
Upon giving my sister a huge necklace for her birthday: “I thought you could use some bling!”
27. Axl is Sexy
When I was in high school I worked at a Quizno’s with my best friend, and on most weekday afternoons he and I were the only staff in the restaurant. One evening a van arrived with several elderly people from a retirement center and a couple of staff/nurses to assist them.
One member of this party was an adorable lady who must have been in her 90’s. She came up to the ordering station, and I asked her what I could make for her. She responds in the cutest little old lady voice, “Young man, what’s your favorite rock group?”
“Uh, I’m not sure… Can I make you a sandwich?”
“What’s your favorite rock group?”
“I guess Tool, though I can understand if it’s not appealing to everyone.”
“What about Guns n Roses??”
“They’re pretty good too.”
“I like Guns n Roses! Axl is sexy.”
One of the nurses then helps her decide what to order. She steps down the line to pay, and my buddy at the cashier gets the same questions followed by her gushing about Guns n Roses and how sexy Axl is.
28. Timber!
I was hanging out at my girlfriend’s cottage one summer with her, her sisters, her parents, and her elderly grandpa. My girlfriend’s grandpa “Cooper” (awesome old man name ever!) must have been 90 something at the time and pretty elderly (sweaters in summer, falls sleep anywhere, difficult to understand).
One day he decided he was going to chop down a tree. I have no idea why he wanted to do it… the tree wasn’t in the way of anything, just a tree over by the edge of the lawn when it turns into forest. Like I said, Cooper was 90 some years old so chopping down a tree was going to be a difficult task. Girlfriend’s parents tried to convince him to do otherwise but he pulled the “You came from my penis, you don’t tell me what to do” card.
So he goes out in the morning, takes about 10 blows at the tree. Then he heads to his hammock nearby, lays down and takes nap. An hour later he wakes up, takes another 10 at the tree, heads back to his hammock, naps. This proceeds the entire day… from about 9am to 6pm.
When he delivered the finishing blow to the tree he yelled “TIMBER!” with the biggest grin on his face. Never seen an old man so happy. Coolest old dude I’ve ever met.
He passed away a year later. He was a farmer his whole life… I think chopping down the tree was him proving to himself that he was still physically capable despite his age and conditions.
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