Tweets for People Who Are the Hottest Mess

Raise your hand if you think you’re a hot mess.

Now raise your other hand if in trying to raise that first hand you somehow hurt yourself, knocked something over, or set fire to your greater metropolitan area.

It’s ok. I understand. I’m a hot mess, too. Last week I severely injured myself while yawning in the morning. There’s not much that’ll push you harder to say “screw this I’m staying in bed” than that. But a lot of people on the internet are hot messes too, and they turn that hot mess into a hot take, and place that hot take on Twitter for all to enjoy.

Check out these ten tweets by and for people who are just like you, you beautiful disaster.

10. The customer is always wrong

Just because you don’t mean anything doesn’t mean you can’t wreck me.

9. Reset

If I could call a do-over on existence I probably would have ten times by now.

8. Take me away

Imagine having this conversation 48 times a night.

7. I don’t mouth so good

Forget it, I’ll just go ahead and never speak again.

6. Dating in the modern day

Elizabethan courtship etiquette has nothing on the internet age.

5. The big questions

I need to report this original tweet for rudeness.

4. The Devil’s in the details

My demons have resorted to cleaning up just so they have something to wreck.

3. Pain in hindsight

These are the scars that truly never disappear.

2. Time and place

Don’t forget to follow it up with a “haha, but I dunno, man, it’s whatever.”

1. Out of funding

I’m sorry, what the hell app is this?

If you’ve managed to scroll through all of that without disaster, congratulations. Give yourself a high five! Oh, that made you sprain your wrist? And the whole office was watching? Nevermind, just get out of there, I’m sorry.

What’s your biggest “hot mess” moment recently?

Tell us in the comments.

The post Tweets for People Who Are the Hottest Mess appeared first on UberFacts.

10 Tweets to Improve Your Day

For a long time, tweets were limited to just 140 characters. Then in 2017, they decided to up the limit to 280.

Interestingly though, they found that in beta testing, most people still preferred to keep the messages shorter even with more real estate allowed. Seems that the entire appeal of Twitter is in the brevity, whether that’s in the service of a pithy social statement or just a dumb joke.

Here, briefly, are ten short tweets that are definitely dumb jokes.

10. Inside out

A modern rendition of the scream.

9. Knife to meet you

Yanno, I think I could take a stab at cooking too.

8. Sleep with me

That’s not your fellow, that’s your pillow.

7. Time flies

Ah, Hollywood. Where 27 years olds are teenagers and 40 year olds are ancient.

6. Speaking my language

It’s like they say, communication is key.

5. The best part of waking up

It’s a late start, but it’s still a start, I guess?

4. Oh hi doggy

The dog will never say anything stressful or disappointing back.

3. Shelf help

You don’t have to be well read to put this one together.

2. Technically speaking

The best KIND of correct.

1. Terrible lizards

This tweet has absolutely made my day in ways I can’t even explain.

In the spirit of what makes twitter great, we’ll keep it brief and end it there. Just ten little random messages tailor-made by strangers to make us giggle. Hope that short trip has brightened your day!

Who are your favorite people on Twitter right now?

Tell us in the comments.

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Important Lessons That 2020 Has Taught All of Us

What have we learned in 2020 so far?

It’s kind of impossible to say. On the one hand, it feels like the year in which we all lived a thousand lifetimes and gained the perspectives and heights of wisdom that come with such figurative reincarnations. On the other hand, it kinda feels like we’ve gone nowhere and done nothing and learned jack squat. Maybe the truth is somewhere in between?

To shed some light on the subject, let’s have a look at these ten 2020 memes and see if we can discern a lesson from them.

10. Nothing makes sense

God is just extremely drunk right now.

9. Protect yourself

They saw their chance and they took it, by golly.

8. Stock up on arrows

Those folks had it right from the start.

7. Take every opportunity

You never know what year might be your last chance to really start some sh*t with Uncle Ron.

6. It’s a nice excuse

With an attitude like that, not many people are gonna ask questions.

5. It’s the little things that count

If only I could pretend to be busy around other people instead of pretending to be busy around no people.

4. The more things change, the more they stay the same

How many dudes have just been riding this wave?

3. Standards will shift

I don’t even wanna know what the 2021 goals will be.

2. Remember to excuse yourself

I can feel the heat of a thousand grocery aisle stares just reading this.

1. Stay safe out there

Having to face off with this crisis hasn’t been easy, but we’re doing it.

Not sure if those are actually the most helpful lessons in the world, but at the end of the day, at least they’re lessons?

What have you learned in 2020?

Tell us in the comments.

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Tweets That Capture this Year in a Painfully Funny Way

I don’t know how to tell you this, but, 2020 has been kinda bad.

I know, you probably need to sit down and have a glass of water or something after a revelation like that but, this is a year that has been just a little bit of a kerfuffle, if you’ll pardon the language. I’d even go so far as to say it’s been less than ideal. And you can quote me on that, controversial as it may be.

I suppose one minor upswing for which we can be grateful is the grace and wit with which the funny people of Twitter have continued to respond to these ever-weirder times. Here are ten tweets about 2020 that almost make it funny-funny.

10. True heroism

I shot a bunch of ventilators into the ocean to celebrate.

9. Do you really need to ask?

There is no way to properly pose or answer this question anymore.

8. Simply the best

Success looks a little bit different for everyone.

7. Exotic perspectives

Man, remember when THIS was all the rage?

6. Little victories, tiny defeats

What even is a “best life?” sounds like a scam.

5. Murder rates

So on top of everything you’re living in a Hitchcock movie. Neat.

4. Spooky times

I um…I think this boat has sailed.

3. Opportunity knocks

Get on this Mad Max vibe early, you’ll come out ahead.

2. Do ya feel lucky, punk?

All hail your new, unlikely king.

1. Pretty simple

Hey, go make sure you’re registered to vote at vote.org.

Not sure if those are quite bangin’ enough to make this year worthwhile, but they do at least ease the troubles. Hang in there, everybody!

What’s the biggest thing you learned in 2020?

Tell us in the comments.

The post Tweets That Capture this Year in a Painfully Funny Way appeared first on UberFacts.

Random Twitter Jokes to Make Your Day Better

Ah, Twitter. Where would we be without it?

Scream at each other about politics in person? That’s a lot of work. Plus it’s dangerous. Much safer to do that sort of thing with our thumbs while in the comfort of our own toilet. And of course, Twitter isn’t JUST the home for the world’s most nuanced and productive political discourse, it’s also a place for lots of good jokes, like these!

Here are fourteen random Twitter jokes you can read in the bathroom or wherever.

14. It’s kind of a lot

I literally sweat the entire way there.

13. iDrink

Judging by your use of the word “their,” I’m guessing this would apply to your current state.

12. Never say forever

You can’t trust anybody these days and it’s disgusting.

11. Duck and roll

I’m having a quack snack attack.

10. Bird brained

Like an iceberg, this goes deeper than you can even imagine.

9. Serving up stories

Gotta hit that word count one way or another.

8. Crunching numbers

“It’s like this sophisticated algorithm KNOWS me!”

7. Slice of life

Very brave of her to use her final breath to deliver this news. F in the chat.

6. Fishing for compliments

Yeah but did you see how thoroughly medium-sized the fish was?

5. Checks and balances

(There are functionally identical and much cheaper alternatives to Apple products…just sayin.’)

4. Sweep me off my feet

Well that doesn’t suck.

3. Small talk

I’d choose pasta any day.

2. Key to my heart

How old is that car anyway? Is this kid a time traveler?

1. Scream time

The important thing is that your system works for you.

Without jokes on Twitter, we’d have to find jokes out in the wild like our ancestors did, and that sounds exhausting. So here’s to all the wonderful funny people who continue to supply us with these golden tweets. Keep up the great work.

Who are the funniest people on Twitter in you opinion?

Tell us in the comments.

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Enjoy These Times When People Tweeted Something Just Right

If you didn’t read these 11 tweets before now… what have you been doing with your life?

I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve only shared 11 here…. but I’ve got probably 1,000 of these things in my meme pocket. And I could pull out more and spread them around, but for right now… this is all you get. These 11. So you better make them last.

Don’t say you weren’t warned!

1. Sounds like DA to me!

These meetings can get INTENSE!

Photo Credit: The Chive

2. Megan has a point…

Why is the coral disappearing if it’s so smart, huh?

Photo Credit: The Chive

3. Well, that’s just pigeons being pigeons

Let them walk if they want. Flying is hard.

Photo Credit: The Chive

4. Sounds exactly like what I would say

Talk more clearly next time!

Photo Credit: The Chive

5. Just lay there.

It’ll all be over soon.

Photo Credit: The Chive

6. Literal horse is literal

Literally hilarious, I mean! 😉

Photo Credit: The Chive

7. It’s not too much to ask!

In fact, you should demand it. From whom, I do not know…

Photo Credit: The Chive

8. And everybody had a great laugh.

Seriously, you should do this. It’ll work.

Photo Credit: The Chive

9. This one is a slow burn…

… but it’s worth it.

Photo Credit: The Chive

10. Now THAT is some research.

Is 540 bad or…???

Photo Credit: The Chive

11. This would make my decade.

Maybe even my millennium.

Photo Credit: The Chive

So… are you happy now? Didn’t I tell you that these 11 memes were good?

Yes, that’s all you get today.

Be happy. Don’t cry.

Stop it!

The post Enjoy These Times When People Tweeted Something Just Right appeared first on UberFacts.

Tweets That May Very Well Be Perfect

It’s time for 10 tweets that we definitely want to share because, if we don’t, we’re just not being responsible human beings.

And while there’s no objective measure for what constitutes a “perfect” tweet… we’d hazard a guess to say that these come damn close.

Damn close, I say!!!

And away we go!

1. When that day comes… it’s not good.

I need another pair, stat!

Photo Credit: The Chive

2. What’s rarer than rare?

You probably wouldn’t understand…

Photo Credit: The Chive

3. I can see this turning out well..

Replace them, you monster!

Photo Credit: The Chive

4. Oh damn… look at the bad ass!

Mark Magark is probably the funniest name ever.

Photo Credit: The Chive

5. That’ll do it.

Works every single time.

Photo Credit: The Chive

6. Why didn’t I think of this?!?

It’s JUST that easy.

Photo Credit: The Chive

7. To the studio!

Let’s get this situation fixed, now!

Photo Credit: The Chive

8. Same.

But it’s not a sitcom… it’s Law and Order. Yeah, I’m weird.

Photo Credit: The Chive

9. This is good advice for anybody at any time.

Do not do this ever.

Photo Credit: The Chive

10. That’s not how you do it, Ron!

What did the Echo every do to you, huh???

Photo Credit: The Chive

So, those were the best 10 tweets we could find today. Come back tomorrow when we’re sure to have some more. Maybe. No promises.

But hey, want to help us out? Have some awesome tweets you want to share?

Do that in the comments! Please and thank you!

The post Tweets That May Very Well Be Perfect appeared first on UberFacts.

Times When People Had Serious Questions About Millennials That Turned Out to Be Jokes in Disguise

Millennials…prepare to get dragged all over the place, because 12 people decided that today was the day to ask you serious questions that weren’t so serious.

You know the drill. They tweet. They funny. You don’t respond. We all laugh. Repeat.

Thank you to this site for bringing all these together, and thanks to us for going through them and finding the best.

You’re welcome, internet

1. Eggplants just doing eggplants things

I’m endlessly amused by what emojis mean.

2. Because they can!

It’s all meta, all the time!

3. Chef’s kiss!

You can eat it AND drink it. Win win!

4. A true rite of passage.

I deleted it, btw. Because reasons.

5. Is it their 6th or 16th?

Seems like MOST of the people on TikTok are drunk.

6. I can’t even with this

I use adjectives in place of verbs. So there!

7. Yes, it looks distressed! It doesn’t want to be that way!

Shabby indeed!

8. 80s kids and 70s kids are so much cooler.

We’re colder because we’re older and old people get colder faster.

9. Why do so many of them have back problems?

Maybe because they have drinking problems? Hmmm…

10. This tweet is wrong.

GIFs are hilarious and DO NOT pronounce that word with a J.

11. Well, I don’t blame them.

This is their fight son.

12. Isn’t it?

Buzzfeed, you keep on feeding us that buzz.

In all the history of all the tweets… these were among the finest. Don’t you agree?

I’m really asking a rhetorical question there, but you can feel free to respond if you want. I won’t judge. Much.

See ya soon!

The post Times When People Had Serious Questions About Millennials That Turned Out to Be Jokes in Disguise appeared first on UberFacts.

People Share “Passive-Aggressive” Things That Take Life to a Whole New Level

Hi, there!

Wikipedia defines passive-aggressive behavior as “a pattern of passive hostility and an avoidance of direct communication.”

In other words, it’s when you need to go on the attack without actually confronting anyone. It’s petty, it’s sly, and if you’re just observing rather than being on the receiving end, it can be downright hilarious.

Here are ten incredible examples from the wide world of Twitter.

10. Drive on by

What in the hell kind of roadside madness is this?

9. It’s time to stop

This is an alien trying to disguise itself as an Earth sign and you can’t convince me otherwise.

8. I must confess

This is why Protestants just skipped the middle man.

7. The s**t is bananas

I don’t find this behavior appealing in the slightest.

6. The terrible twos

Psh. You call THAT a pothole?

5. Over the line

Timmy Turtle says “Use your damn eyes.”

4. High art

Is this Banksy?

3. Bed side manner

You’re in double trouble because your side is trapped against the dang wall.

2. Sick burn

You ever see something and just say to yourself “Glad I’m not in that relationship?”

1. He’s my witness

When even the robot in your pocket gets tired of trying to make you live right.

Remember, conflict is best resolved through direct and level-headed communication. But that’s also way less funny so if you’re gonna be slick, take pictures. Come on, don’t be selfish, we wanna get in on this.

Have you been the writer/receiver of any passive-aggressive nonsense lately?

Dish it out in the comments.

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People Who Just Don’t Know What Is and Isn’t Cake Anymore

There’s no reasonable way to enter into this topic, so I’ll just say it: Twitter is being overrun by cakes in disguise and nobody is OK.

Why did this happen? How? That’s for future historians to unravel.

All we can do right now is sit back and marvel at all the cakery fakery overtaking our bakeries. The skill is takes to create such horrifyingly detailed edible facsimiles is far beyond my mortal comprehension, but it sure is fun to watch, and there are no shortage of jokes.

Beware ye who scroll past here, you’re about to question everything.

10. Taking the cake

Witness the absolute peak of man’s hubris.

9. Serrated blade runner

“I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe. Shoes made of sweets. I watched toilet paper split to reveal its sumptuous core. All those moments will be lost in time, like cake in rain.”

8. Sweet release

Soon we will all be cake.

7. Dog-gone

If I cannot have the chocolate, I must become the chocolate.

6. Cover versions

It’s all cake all the time.

5. Absolutely vicious

This is the series that just keeps on giving.

4. Beware the ides of starch

These are the signs that precede the fall of an empire.

3. Out of touch

A rallying cry for our moment in history.

2. Self-defense

Will the witness for the prosecution please cake the stand.

1. Soft reboots

This is the kind of retconning that I can get behind.

It’s been a confusing year, but at least this is the kind of confusion that’s delightful and funny and not just straight up horrifying. We need more of that.

What do YOU suspect may actually be cake?

Tell us in the comments.

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