Tweets That Parents Will Absolutely Understand

I grew up with two sisters and my memory of the early years is a little hazy but I’m fairly sure we were all absolute terrors.

At the time it was easy to look at my parents as killjoys who wanted nothing in this world but to engender my perpetual disappointment, but in retrospect, I think we’re lucky they didn’t sell us to a passing circus or something. Because kids can be…a lot.

To illustrate what I’m talking about, here are ten tweets from parents who know the struggle all too well.

10. Once upon a time…

And they never heard from her again.

9. Tips and tricks

“Clean enough” might as well be the name of my autobiography.

8. Beat the spread

For instance, my patience.

7. Get this bread

He wants to be a part of the upper crust.

6. Clean up your language

How about YOU do that.

5. A simple request

Oh well, guess we’ll try again tomorrow.

4. For the record

Plague be damned, no one can endure this sort of torment.

3. Killing time

Life before the internet was somehow weirder than life before the internet.

2. Coffee break

Come on in, pull up a shirt.

1. Making the rounds

When God opens a window, he also loses a lid.

To the parents out there dealing with the joys and pains of raising a kid, I salute you. From my bed. Where I can nap. Because I don’t have kids. Good luck!

Do you have kids? What’s the experience been like?

Tell us in the comments.

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Funny Tweets to Improve Your Day

I bet you didn’t know that there are over 5,000 tweets sent out every single second. It’s impossible to wrap my head around that number of tweets. That means that there was a new oooooonnnneee NOW.

And NOW.

And NOW.

And now and now and now andnowandnowandNOW.

And juuuuuuust now.


…and now.

You know what, this is getting exhausted, let’s just look at some of the ones that caught our eye recently.

10. What a morning

I mean, technically it’s a bar. Call it a Pavlovian response.

9. Gimme yum yums

Mmm, yes, interesting, curly fries, please do go on.

8. The truth comes out

Speak from the truest part of yourself.

7. Stuck in the middle

Just like this hot pocket, I’m ice cold on the inside.

6. No you don’t

The only place I’m driving you is crazy.

5. Consumed by thought

It’s really been eating me up.

4. I see dead people

If that’s what the afterlife is I hope I never die.

3. Avoidant joys

Sorry for explaining that. Thank you. Sorry.

2. Shrinkage

The hot stuff doesn’t leave you feeling like hot stuff.

1. Oh, dip

Don’t forget fruitlessly half-trying to clean up the crumbs.

There are so very many tweets, and so little time. We’ll never be able to keep up with all of the clever things people are saying on the platform, but at least we’ve found a few gems among the deluge to enjoy.

Who are your favorite people to follow on Twitter?

Tell us who you think we should be following in the comments.

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Tweets That Might Heal All Your Sadness…But Probably Not

Are you having a weird day? Yeah, aren’t we all. But don’t sweat it, because we’ve got funny tweets, and four out of five doctors who I’m imagining in my mind recommend funny tweets as a stress reliever, anti-depressant, mood stabilizer, and growth hormone. They are truly a panacea.

Enjoy these ten random Twitter funnies that will heal you of all your woes, maybe.

10. It’s nacho business

Now I want these more than life itself, thanks a lot.

9. Killing it

No innocent person runs that much.

8. Lend a hand

Yeah man, I can dig it.

7. Law and coffee orders

I’d be great at this job as long as we were guaranteed to catch the killer in 42 minutes or less.

6. The Disney princess effect

Them trash bandits are at it again.

5. Armed and dangerous

Why can’t I hold all this life?

4. One track mind

Did you just pull up a pro/con list on your phone?

3. A slice of life

“Have you seen our BLT? It was shaped like this.”

2. Different time zone

I think it’s safe to say that my mind is more or less in a constant state of buffering.

1. Suspiciously tranquil

This tweet was written mid-2020, it can’t possibly be accurate.

Ah, the miraculous power of the internet. If those tweets didn’t completely cure you of all your troubles, we’ll give you a full refund of what you paid for them, guaranteed.

If Twitter was limited to discussing one topic and one topic only, what would/should it be?

Tell us your opinion in the comments.

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Tweets for People Who’d Like to Stop Aging NOW

Were you aware that the longer you live, the older you get? I know. It’s weird.

And unwelcome. I didn’t sign up for aging, or having responsibilities, or being a sentient life form of any kind, really. If I had my druthers, I’d probably have chosen to be a nice tree. Something chill and low maintenance. But noooo. I had to become a being of inexplicable consciousness formed within the miracle that is the human brain. Plus I have to pay bills and stuff. Lame.

Here are fifteen tweets about getting older to help soothe the joint pain.

15. We all scream

That’s a cold, hard fact.

14. Loosen up

The only thing I’m chugging now is Metamucil.

13. Poetry in Motrin

You can never be too careful.

12. Take a hit

You’re officially an adult when you stop being surprised by the presence of a dinner table.

11. Taking inventory

This is why digital assistants need to step up their game.

10. Pride of ownership

See it’s funny because the economy that enriched our parents was stolen out from under us by greed.

9. Real cool

Sitcoms are people in their 30’s playing people in their 20’s with no jobs and a $3,000/month apartment.

8. Wine about it

The date stamp on this tweet is ironic. Little did they know this would be the legal limit for all of us pretty soon after.

7. Bring the noise

It’s called the old man creak and I’ve made peace with it.

6. Plot holes

What are friends for?

5. Cut to the chase

Let it grow, let it grooooow, can’t hold it back anymore…

4. Consequences

Thanks a lot, biology.

3. Diminishing returns

For most of us $1,000 just means “you’re allowed to keep living in your home for another few weeks.”

2. Key phrases

Should probably keep it in a drawer for the rest of my life just in case.

1. High standards

Smokin’ hot takes over here.

That’s it, I refuse to age. Somebody get me Benjamin Button on the line, I need to learn his weird secrets.

What’s the weirdest thing about getting older to you?

Tell us in the comments.

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Very High Quality Tweets That Will Meet Your Standards

Believe it or not, our panel of experts have been hard at work examining each of these tweets for quality, durability, and safety.

They have passed the most rigorous standards and received the highest levels of certification available in the industry.

By which I mean, I looked at them all and I laughed and now I’m showing them to you ’cause I feel like it.

You are most deeply welcome.

Check out these ten quality tweets that are fit to pass any inspection.

10. Breaking decent

Way to look on the bright side, I guess?

9. Coming to an arrangement

If you live in an apartment complex just know that your neighbors hate you now.

8. Chunked up

I need to see your data and your research methodology, please.

7. Getting a head

Maybe it’s an exciting new combination!

6. Just in time

Learning is for nerds.

5. Get with the program

Well something needs to get debugged.

4. Proof of purchase

“Will I need a record of the fact that I bought this tube of toothpaste? We can’t know. There’s just no way to know.”

3. Talk birdie to me

The longer you look at it the worse it gets.

2. Cutting deep

What if they’re deeply into making deep dish?

1. Top of the pile

And losing all your friends in the process!

I dare you to find higher quality tweets than that. Those are built to last. Quality craftsmanship. Those are the kind of solidly constructed tweets that make me proud to be a citizen of the internet.

What kinds of tweets do you like the most?

Tell us in the comments.

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Take a Look at this Interesting Life Advice From Women

The more experience we have in life, the more we learn.

The more we learn, the more we wish we’d known back when we hadn’t lived very long yet. It’s inevitable, it’s a part of life. You only get good at a game by playing it, and if you’re kind, you’ll help some newbies find their way as well. There was plenty of such life advice flowing from one particular Twitter thread kicked off by user @GayatriiM, who wrote:

There are endless replies, and a lot of common themes. Here are some of our favorites.

15. “Treat the other as just a human”

We cannot expect perfection.

14. “Boundaries are super important”

You can’t be all things to all people.

13. “What angers you controls you”

Don’t hand over the reigns.

12. “Keep learning all the time”

You’re never going to know it all.

11. “Give importance to self happiness”

You’re only one person.

10. “Indulge yourself”

You’ve only got this one life to live.

9. “Choose your battles wisely”

Otherwise you might get drained.

8. “If you are kind to yourself…”

A glass can only spill what it contains.

7. “If you are happy…”

Remember what you can and can’t control.

6. “Relations change”

Nothing is set in stone, that doesn’t mean these things aren’t meaningful.

5. “Build your tribe”

You can be civil without being close.

4. “Say no sometimes”

If you do everything, that will be expected forever.

3. “Live in NOW”

The past is the past.

2. “Be the fulcrum”

We are, at the end of the day, very simple machines.

1. “Pain is overrated”

You’re not here to suffer for someone else.

I know these were written specifically for people in demographics I don’t fit, but still, SO much feels universal. Be good to each other, but also be good to yourself.

What piece of advice would you like to pass along?

Tell us in the comments.

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Pieces of Life Advice From Women, For Women

There are many things we learn in his life that we wish we would have known sooner.

But instead of wallowing in that, it’s helpful to just collect those thoughts. Consider them. Pass them on.

That’s what happened in a thread started by Twitter user @GayatriiM:

Here are fifteen pieces of resulting life advice from women, for women.

15. “Make choices which make you happy”

Damned if you do, do it anyway.

14. “Say no”

You are not responsible for everything.

13. “IDGAF”

Not a word, but I get what you mean.

12. “Your life is your own”

You can help people, but you can’t live for someone else.

11. “There may never be a later”

Postponed may well mean cancelled.

10. “Never too late”

Don’t forget about you.

9. “Don’t take everything to heart”

Some things need to be let go.

8. “You don’t have to reply to every message”

There’s just too much noise sometimes.

7. “Be kind and gentle”

You’re the only you you’ve got.

6. “Life is too short”

There are billions of people in this world, you’re not gonna win ’em all.

5. “Life goes on”

Nothing lasts forever.

4. “Put yourself first”

Some things you want to realize before they’re too late.

3. “Detachment”

Don’t get weighed down.

2. “Not to give in”

You’re a person, not a host.

1. “Setting boundaries”

Don’t let everybody just stomp around as they please.

Pretty incredible stuff, and with one common theme – be good to yourself, not just those around you. You count too.

What piece of advice would you like to give?

Leave it in the comments below.

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Tweets for People Who Are the Hottest Mess

Raise your hand if you think you’re a hot mess.

Now raise your other hand if in trying to raise that first hand you somehow hurt yourself, knocked something over, or set fire to your greater metropolitan area.

It’s ok. I understand. I’m a hot mess, too. Last week I severely injured myself while yawning in the morning. There’s not much that’ll push you harder to say “screw this I’m staying in bed” than that. But a lot of people on the internet are hot messes too, and they turn that hot mess into a hot take, and place that hot take on Twitter for all to enjoy.

Check out these ten tweets by and for people who are just like you, you beautiful disaster.

10. The customer is always wrong

Just because you don’t mean anything doesn’t mean you can’t wreck me.

9. Reset

If I could call a do-over on existence I probably would have ten times by now.

8. Take me away

Imagine having this conversation 48 times a night.

7. I don’t mouth so good

Forget it, I’ll just go ahead and never speak again.

6. Dating in the modern day

Elizabethan courtship etiquette has nothing on the internet age.

5. The big questions

I need to report this original tweet for rudeness.

4. The Devil’s in the details

My demons have resorted to cleaning up just so they have something to wreck.

3. Pain in hindsight

These are the scars that truly never disappear.

2. Time and place

Don’t forget to follow it up with a “haha, but I dunno, man, it’s whatever.”

1. Out of funding

I’m sorry, what the hell app is this?

If you’ve managed to scroll through all of that without disaster, congratulations. Give yourself a high five! Oh, that made you sprain your wrist? And the whole office was watching? Nevermind, just get out of there, I’m sorry.

What’s your biggest “hot mess” moment recently?

Tell us in the comments.

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10 Tweets to Improve Your Day

For a long time, tweets were limited to just 140 characters. Then in 2017, they decided to up the limit to 280.

Interestingly though, they found that in beta testing, most people still preferred to keep the messages shorter even with more real estate allowed. Seems that the entire appeal of Twitter is in the brevity, whether that’s in the service of a pithy social statement or just a dumb joke.

Here, briefly, are ten short tweets that are definitely dumb jokes.

10. Inside out

A modern rendition of the scream.

9. Knife to meet you

Yanno, I think I could take a stab at cooking too.

8. Sleep with me

That’s not your fellow, that’s your pillow.

7. Time flies

Ah, Hollywood. Where 27 years olds are teenagers and 40 year olds are ancient.

6. Speaking my language

It’s like they say, communication is key.

5. The best part of waking up

It’s a late start, but it’s still a start, I guess?

4. Oh hi doggy

The dog will never say anything stressful or disappointing back.

3. Shelf help

You don’t have to be well read to put this one together.

2. Technically speaking

The best KIND of correct.

1. Terrible lizards

This tweet has absolutely made my day in ways I can’t even explain.

In the spirit of what makes twitter great, we’ll keep it brief and end it there. Just ten little random messages tailor-made by strangers to make us giggle. Hope that short trip has brightened your day!

Who are your favorite people on Twitter right now?

Tell us in the comments.

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