If you look up early uses of the word “bisexual,” they’re not quite what you think. It’s mostly references to the reproductive methods of plants, which isn’t nearly as interesting to most of us as the modern connotation, and the questions many of us have about it. Questions like this:
Bisexual people who have dated both genders, what are some notable differences you’ve learned about dating both women and men? from AskReddit
So, what’s the deal? The bisexual folks of Reddit tell all. (Most posters went out of their way to clarify that these are their own subjective opinions based on personal experiences and shouldn’t be read as generalizations for everybody in the world.)
1. A difference in communication.
Both genders are bad at communicating, but in completely different ways.
Men are more likely to not tell you information that would be important to you simply because they don’t deem it important. They gave you the important information. If you can’t understand it, then you’re either trying to complicate the issue or you’re not listening to them.
Women are more likely to not tell you information important to them because they see it as obvious. If they have to tell you the issue, then you’re not paying attention to them and the issue at hand or you’re not as invested in the relationship as they are.
– Twilcario
2. Suckers for cuddles.
Bisexual lady here.
Men have a tendency to assume that you’re looking for a more ‘serious’ relationship than they are, even if you explicitly say otherwise. And are suckers for cuddles.
Women like kissing more.
– astudyinbowie
3. A sense for danger.
So, what I can say is that after having four boyfriends, my ability to identify and avoid dangerous men was vastly improved, and my ability to identify and avoid dangerous women was . . . apparently not particularly improved at all.
I was very attuned to red flags involving sexism and completely unprepared for the fact that a woman who majored in Women’s Studies could perfectly well destroy years or decades of my life with no sexism necessary at all.
– queerbychoice
4. All about that baggage.
One thing I noticed back when I was dating was that women have a lot more baggage when it comes to physical intimacy. Women go through alot, they have tons of pressures put on them, many have had negative sexual experiences. It’s, well, just more complicated.
The guys I dated were frankly much more direct and more simplistic about it. I’m not saying either of these descriptions apply to all women or men, but that was my experience. With guys it was like ‘hey, wanna make out?’ and just sort of that simple.
– haroldtitus425
5. Identity acceptance.
When dating a man, he is very ok with me being bisexual. When dating a woman, it constantly comes up that I’m “actually straight” or “just going to leave [her] for a guy.” It is really annoying to have someone try to completely invalidate your feelings for them because of your dating history.
Yes, I’ve dated more men…I didn’t realize until I had been dating for several years that dating women was a viable option.
– Mr_ImMyOwnGrandpa
6. How forward?
Bi woman here.
There’s a tendency between queer women to avoid being very forward. I’m my own personal experience it’s because I know what it’s like to be pursued relentlessly (typically by men) and don’t want to become that person myself. Other women want to avoid the “predatory lesbian” stereotype that’s been fed to us through media.
Men are more forward but I don’t think they can pick up on the way that I’m feeling as easily as women can. My last girlfriend could tell something was wrong even if I put up (what I thought was) a very good front.
Women tend to have softer skin and lips.
Men kiss deeply and aggressively.
I like both
– thechelator
7. Trust and biphobia.
Bi woman. The biggest one was trust/biphobia and the way the two interrelate.
While dating a woman, having close male friends has always been off the table. It seems to really threaten/make uncomfortable my girlfriend and tends to turn into a never-ending “But are you SURE you don’t have feelings for him? you’re REALLY not attracted to him?” So many lesbians genuinely hate bi women and think they’re always going to cheat or leave for a guy.
Conversely, men don’t give a d**n if I have close female friends while dating them, but are far more likely to fetishize the knowledge that I’ve had past female partners. Which is obviously really uncomfortable if done in any sort of excess.
– FinalTourist
8. Romance and monogamy.
i find men to be more romantic and more interested in monogamy. women are easier to talk to and easier to argue with and then be able to walk back from the argument sooner.
men are more forward, at least initially. two girls could have a crush on each other for ten years and never work up the nerve to mention it.
men usually want to hammer out plans towards the end of a date (for the next date) but women are usually more go with the flow lets see what happens.
oh and girls are much, much better at handling rejection and boundaries. actually, just one “much”; i’ve had incidents here and there that were pretty awful from girls, but much more often, men are really bad at rejections on like, any level.
– Far_Ad_8813
9. Grading on a curve
As a bisexual woman I find it’s easier to date het men, bi-men, and bi women. Lesbians are much more difficult to date. Not because of who they are personality wise, but it’s hard to find a lesbian who will date a bisexual woman period.
I have no idea what the stigma is but it’s there. It seems like some lesbians are certain you’ll leave them for a man or cheat on them. I’ve never cheated on anybody. Ever.
Also, they sometimes are just all around uncomfortable you find men attractive. There’s definitely bi-erasure in the LGBTQ community. I’ve had fantastic dates or discussions with lesbians and when it comes out I also liked and dated men they bail.
– Lil_Elf81
10. On guard?
Bi man here.
I’ve always found it much easier to date men because they are much more straightforward, and the fact that they already like men seems to make it easier for them to adjust to me (though there is a lot of biphobia and dismissal of my sexuality).
With women they tend to be a lot more guarded and more easily put off, simply because they are likely to be straight and the idea that I am versatile and all that makes them feel weird I guess.
And like someone said earlier, men tend to stick less to their category than women! I’m like, 6 or 7 I’d say and all kinds of men have been into me, but women who are objectively hotter than me tend to be more dismissive
– CallumSmith9895
11. The rundown.
Bisexual woman who’s been in a serious relationship with one straight man and three bisexual men, and has briefly dated one bisexual woman. This is just from my experience, but I’ve noticed a person’s sexuality has a decent amount of bearing on their personality too.
Straight man:
Decent dude, but I had a lot of the standard complaints straight women have about their straight male partners; aloof at times, didn’t always take interest in my interests, often spoke over me and my concerns, etc. The gender roles were more “traditional” too, at his insistence more than anything. He also held a lot back, so even if something was bothering him, he wouldn’t talk about it because he hated talking about his feelings. It was an alright relationship, but it felt very straight.Bisexual men:
The best of both worlds, in my opinion. You get the security of a male partner (walking with them at night, having backup from creeps in public, etc), as well as the implicit understanding that comes with being with another queer person who get it. They tend to be more secure in their masculinity. One of them loved farmer’s markets, another asked me to teach him how to crochet. It’s very refreshing to be with a guy that’s openly himself. They can also get more emotional, both for better and for worse.Bisexual woman:
She was more of the bisexual stereotype, of the “will take anything that moves” variety. She was bright, intelligent, ambitious and I really respected her work ethic, but she has no interest in settling down romantically. We’re still friends, though I keep her at arm’s length for my emotion’s sake, since I really liked her.I’ve yet to date a lesbian (in my experience, they tend to look down on bisexual women) or a nonbinary person (not for lack of trying; I’ve pursued a few but nothing’s stuck yet), but honestly, people are people. Being bisexual’s just helped me see that in a more direct manner.
– InfernoPotatoFull
12. Dropping hints.
Women are, in my experience, way worse at communicating what they mean clearly.
They think their “hints” are clear – they aren’t (I include myself on this, for the record).
Men, on the other hand, tend to be way too blunt and terrible at nuance – it’s far more black and white and many have no idea that the tone they speak in is as important as their words.
– FuzzyRoseHat
13. On the downlow.
Bi-male here but still closeted (is that an apt term?)
All the women I came out to were cool with it, yet acknowledged the fear about cheating with men.
There’s definitely a huge difference between gay men and DL men. Gay men can be clingy and never stop talking. DL men have sex and then usually f**k off or sit and watch sports, which is great because they don’t talk too much. I’ve never truly “dated” a man so I guess my experience is limited.
– Ilfubario
14. Level up.
Bi-fem.
Women tend to be on the same level as me and just know how my mind works, even thought were both complicated in a twisted way, and they give me mega snuggles on my period.
Men take a HOT minute to half understand my brain and just give me some chocolate on my period or say “oof that sucks.”
– bubblebeanUwU
15. Come on over.
Female 20 technically Pansexual
Men will usually say: “You can come over if you want.” Women say: “I want you to come over.”
(Most) Men want to be taken literally and be straight-forward. They want their partners to know they are honest but also independent.
(Most) Women want their partners to feel wanted or needed and use that in their speaking, especially over text. They are a lot more into the small details about the relationship.
– GalacticPhoxx
You learn something new everyday.
What would you add to this conversation?
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