Category: tweets

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Tweets That Are Totally Perfect For You

Have you seen any good tweets around lately? I’ve been lookin’ and lookin’ and for the life of me I just can’t seem to track any down.

I’ve tried everything – the park, under my couch, beneath the fears I keep locked away within my deepest self, and nothin’!

I guess maybe I could try scrolling down. See if there are any tweets below this text. But, yanno, I DOUBT it.

10. Deep fears

I experienced quicksand in real life for the first time recently and let me tell you, it is, at worst, trippy.

9. Silly goose

“We tried to warn ya man! Get out of our pavilion, man!”

8. Uber sneaky

“Oh crap I was supposed to take a picture, here ya go.”

7. Frog day afternoon

He blob. He frog. He nap inside he bog.

6. Let him speak!

The pressure is too much and I just sorta crumble.

5. Checkmate

Just give them some bread and let them be.

4. The big five

That’s an enormous accomplishment, maybe. Depends on the content of the mails.

3. New expectations

The bags within the bag always feels stupid until the moment you need it and you can’t find it.

2. Do the math

Hey, that sounds like a pretty sweet deal.

1. On the flip side

It’s all me, and it’s all a mess.

Oh wow, it turns out the Tweets were here all along! On this very page! And inside all of us! The internet truly is a magical place.

Who are your favorite people to follow on Twitter?

Tell us in the comments.

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Tweets That Will Make You Feel Old…In a Good Way

It’s one thing to realize that you’re no longer in the youngest generation around, it’s another thing altogether to realize that the younger generation is now going to college and taking over the culture and you’re no longer cool if you ever were.

Though to be honest, it’s not all bad. The pressure to be cool is overwhelming. Not to mention stupid. To be told “hey don’t worry about it, there’s a whole new shift of people competing to be cool now, nothing is expected of you, you’re relieved of duty” is sort of nice.

So I don’t mind these tweets that make me feel old. I embrace them. I enjoy them. And I hope you will too.

12. Oh, baby

How do you still have the stamina to go to a club?

11. Rock my world

Timeline aside, that’s not their genre.

10. Sharpen up

Do kids use exclusively mechanical pencils now? Do they use no pencils? Help me.

9. Dolla dolla bills

Oh how quickly we forget.

8. How touching

“Let me tell you about this little piece of madness called the scroll wheel.”

7. Hawk one up

They just re-released this, so maybe he’ll know soon?

6. Compliments of the house

Wait. This was posted in 2018. If that guy was born in ’98, that means he was either 20 or 21.
In other words, exactly the perfect age range for ID to be required.

5. Cool hang

“PHONES ONCE HAD CRADLES, LIKE BABIES! I SWEAR IT!”

4. Bitter sweet

It was a virus portal is what it was.

3. A curse on our house

Let them laugh.
Let them mock.
Their time is coming soon enough.

2. Pay to play

It took us way too long to realise cable TV was a scam.

1. Girl, bye

Just hit me with the truth.

These tweets have made me feel so old that I think I can legally retire now.

How old do you feel, and why?

Tell us in the comments.

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Tweets We Think Will Make You LOL

Look, the internet loves cats. We know this. It’s practically a law of nature. It’s practically in the Bible.

But just because we love them doesn’t mean we have to surrender everything to them. We have to put our human paws down every once in a while and say NO. THESE TWEETS ARE FOR HUMANS. NOT FOR KITTIES.

If it wasn’t apparent, my cat and I are in the fight right now and I’m not sharing any of the cool tweets I find with him. But I’ll share ’em with you:

10. Nobody’s hero

And then you hear those little creaky guitar sounds and it’s just all over for you.

9. Bag check

They best not have forgot my fries or we’re gonna have words.

8. The mantra

It’s solid policy like this that should have landed him the nomination.

7. That’s a wrap

It’s a tough jobs but somebody’s gotta do it.

6. Growing pains

Things get more confusing.

5. What a vibe

I’m at the KFC
I’m at the Sephora
I’m at the combination KFC / Sephora

4. Gotta bounce

Come to think of it, there are few “fun” activities that are more embarrassing.

3. Gran-berry

Click the image if you can’t see the punchline yet.

2. Oh, baby

Somebody on Twitter said he was about to drop the hottest album of 2002.

1. Sweet release

Don’t do it. Seriously, it’s gonna hurt.

My cat and I have now reconciled and I’ve lifted him to the screen to show him the tweets. He didn’t laugh though, so we’re fighting again.

Who are the best people on Twitter today?

Tell us in the comments.

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Tweets Designed to Make You Laugh

Hello, kids. It is I, a young person. I’m here to enjoy with you the things that we like, specifically Tweets.

No old or out of touch folks here, no sirree. Certainly nobody around who would unironically use the phrase “no sirree.” Just us youths. Youths as far as the eye can see.

Here are eleven Tweets that your dad won’t like.

11. It’s time to stop

Surely if I get it down to the second I can explain myself.

10. Blue sea blues

Everyone be quiet, I want to hear his music.

9. Holy crop

I would like “The shade, the skill” to be what goes on my headstone, please.

8. Missing persons

It’s the thought that counts.

7. The sh*t is bananas

“It’s one banana Michael, how much could it cost? Ten dollars?”

6. I scream

As someone who has had to run around in these costumes before, thank you for your service.

5. Game night in

Don’t truck with this guy.

4. Out of this world

You might wanna just kinda stay up there for a while.

3. Big accomplishments

How is he still literally smokin’ hot?

2. This and that

You gotta stay original and stay on brand.

1. Save it up

I hope it’s enough to make the sun stop setting at like 3:00 pm in Chicago because this is bogus.

Totally radical, am I correct my young peers? And now I am off to do the TikTok magnesium challenge or whatever it is we do.

Who are your favorite people on the Tweeters?

Tell us in the comments.

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Tweets So Good You Might Want to Kiss Them

Have you ever seen a Tweet so good you wish you could be friends with it? Or maybe even MORE than friends?

I mean, think about it. They could have made anything the icon for expressing your approval of a tweet, but they went with a romantic red heart.

So, do you like the tweet or do you LIKE like the tweet? See how each of these tickles your fancy.

11. Share a coke

Don’t forget that they gave out heroin as medicine.

10. A hand out

Um…do you mean like…handing someone money? That’s not new.

9. Edgy comedy

That is just flat out wrong.

8. We are not smiles times

Hey how about you drink an entire glass of chill and get back to me.

7. The final countdown

Ironically, you should probably see a therapist about this.

6. Bird brains

“Nobody even drops good food anymore, this is bogus.”

5. Somethin’ nice

See, you’re joking, but the reality is you could use Bezos’ money to buy a mansion and if nobody told him he’d literally never know.

4. Sunk in

Oh hey there toilet, it’s me, ya boy.

3. The artistry

Every once in a while I’ll still see these in the wild and just marvel at ’em.

2. Party time!

To be fair to her, it’s a ridiculous custom we’ve created.

1. Leaked footage

Your son is absolutely going places and I would like to follow.

I’m gonna take all those tweets out to make out point and just smooch ’em. You can’t stop me.

Who are your favorite people to follow on Twitter?

Tell us in the comments.

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People Share the Worst Things They’ve Done to Stay in Relationships with Deadbeats

People like to say that love is blind. Maybe that’s why it makes us fall over and hurt ourselves all the time.

Twitter user @literElly wanted to get to the bottom of this:

For those of you who, like me, were fortunate enough to have avoided this story up until now, let’s briefly recap “the shkreli story” mentioned in the tweet.

Basically, widely despised pharma bro and current inmate Martin Shkreli was in a relationship with a woman who had started reporting on him, until she became so taken that she gave up both her prestigious job as a journalist and her marriage to be with him.

Then he went to jail and basically said “lol bye, good luck out there.”

But what of the common folk? What are our experiences with this sort of nonsense? Let’s find out.

1. Some people really pay the price.

2. How much literal crap do you put up with?

3. No person can be worth this.

4. There’s…there’s a lot to unpack here.

5. Same song, second verse.

6. When you can’t even be the real you.

7. You gotta respect yourself.

8. It’s the most important meal of the day.

9. Hanging and crawling.

10. Woof.

You may find yourself quick to judge these people, but remember: loneliness is a heck of a drug, and it can make us all act pretty dumb.

Have you had an experience like this?

Tell us about it in the comments.

The post People Share the Worst Things They’ve Done to Stay in Relationships with Deadbeats appeared first on UberFacts.

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Weird Things About Being Over 30

It’s my birthday very soon, and I’m gonna be thirty (mumble mumble) years old. How do I feel about that? I don’t know. I try to tell myself it’s just a number, but then my back pain yells that it’s very much not.

Here are some things about the whole experience that you’ll understand if you’re in the same achy boat.

10. You gotta lower the bar

“Serotonin? In this economy?”

9. You’re outdated

It is absolutely wild to remember a time when it took like three days to pull up a Netflix movie and that felt fast, somehow.

8. You fall hard

I slipped on the ice like a week ago and I’m still paying for it.

7. You get the worst combinations

Am I a child or a vampire? DECIDE, BODY!

6. You’re still a kid inside

Gonna put a bunch of those stars on my ceiling and let ’em fall on my face.

5. You grow apart

Then like four years will go by and you won’t even notice it.

4. You hang WAY over

Just clear the whole day.

3. You’re always cleaning

It just sort of regenerates, somehow.

2. Everything costs way too much

I’ve never purchased any rug larger than a bath mat for exactly this reason.

1. You’re caught in the middle

I know how to use Zoom, but I’m still gonna yell at it.

I may not be super cool with the whole ageing thing, but as many philosophers have pointed out, there ain’t much I can do about it. Might as well just enjoy the insanity!

What’s the strangest thing about being your age?

Tell us in the comments.

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10 Jokes With Great Twists For You to Check Out

I have a buddy named Tim who has this great talent for telling a joke in such a way that you don’t realize it’s a joke until the last second. It’s a sort of deadpan skill coupled with a knack for surprising twists and it’s downright delightful. You feel like you’ve been tricked and also entertained and I can’t recommend conversations with Tim enough.

But since you all don’t know him and he probably wouldn’t appreciate me sending thousands of internet strangers to his house, the next best thing is probably to just read these great unexpected Twitter jokes.

10. Crushing it

You can’t go through life just living life all the time, that’s for suckers.

9. BFF

We’ve been together in wedded bliss ever since.

8. Get it straight

We’ll have a gay old time!

7. Fur real

The double standards of society have got to stop.

6. Change is coming

Plus your body is gonna start to hurt pretty soon, so enjoy that.

5. Intimate moments

This is the future libertarians want.

4. Sleepover woes

Have you tried really telling him how you feel?

3. Cobbled together

Before you make fun, walk a mile in his shoes.

2. On the side

A delicious conundrum.

1. Stealing my heart

Hold up.

People on Twitter are just too clever for their own good. But I’m pretty grateful for it, because what else am I gonna stare at all day? A book? Gross.

Who are the funniest people to follow on Twitter, in your opinion?

Tell us who to check out in the comments.

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Fresh and Funny Tweets Just For You!

If you’re looking for some fresh, funny tweets, you’re in the right place.

Well done. You have excellent investigation skills. Let’s get down to it.

Here are fourteen funny tweets to satisfy your clicky-curiosity!

14. Oh, brother

I need clarifications on the ages of all the people in this story.

13. Research bowl earth

Surf’s up, soup’s up.

12. The gig economy

Learn how to monetize your baby TODAY!

11. Hard hitting reporting

I’d very much like to know what went wrong in the career of this person I’ve never heard of and don’t care about.

10. Judge not

I got into this job mostly for the little hammer.

9. The smolest boi

Are you just literally talking about those invisible dog leash gag gifts from the 70’s?

8. Living large

Just because I have nothing doesn’t mean I don’t have standards.

7. Roar right past

Weren’t we supposed to have the fun sinful part before paying for it?

6. The hard truth

They didn’t start that way, we just haven’t replaced them in 10 years.

5. Swear to God

If she was an Evangelical it was the greatest moment of her life, I promise.

4. Lunch goes on

I’m schooling at home and the food still all tastes like cardboard, somehow.

3. No chill

What do you have to do to get a little service around here?

2. Ya big baby

How the human race even made it this far is beyond me.

1. Artificial intelligence train-ing

Which of these squares DOES contain a stoplight? I thought I knew, but now…

Hope you enjoyed those, and we wish you the best in your future funny-tweet-finding endeavors. Good luck out there.

If you had to pick just three people who could keep using Twitter, who would they be?

Tell us in the comments.

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Random Posts That Are Gonna Make You Laugh

Every day, people are just posting stuff to the internet. It used to be difficult. You used to have some crazy huge and expensive contraption that nobody else in your family even knew how to use, taking advantage of landlines to dial into message boards occupied by exactly four nerds.

But now? Anybody can just put whatever, whenever.

And we’re all better off for it. I think. Cause we get funny stuff like this!

Let’s go, kids!

10. Totally extreme

The fact that I’m alive is a miracle.

9. Talk the talk

Train them up in the way they should go.

8. Eat in peace

Well, we all sure found out the joys of this in 2020, didn’t we?

7. A big difference

God, looking back, it’s true. It’s all true.

6. That pinches

You’re gonna murder this crab in front of me now, aren’t you?

5. Your move

The Bishop strikes again!

4. Sharing is Karen

Who does she speak too when she’s upset? A mirror?

3. Silent night, holy crap

The bottom right looks elegant, everything else is just silly.

2. Spice up your life

That’s it, we’re done here, shut the whole internet down.

https://officialnapkin.tumblr.com/post/104613423949/seasons-greetings

1. Sonic booms

Those of you who are old enough to remember are scarred enough to never forget.

https://keep-that-frown-upside-down.tumblr.com/post/60327977482/coming-soon-speakers-blow-out-to-own-on-dvd

So get out there and post away, my fellow internet friends and fiends! You never know if an amusing thing you have to say might just make someone else’s day.

Where’s your favorite place to post? What platform? What board?

Tell us in the comments!

Thanks, fam!

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