Relationships come in all shapes and sizes and, of course, with all different types of sex drives.
ACES exist and can be happily married, after all.
Married couples got together on Reddit to share how often they actually had sex with their partners. Some even shared how long they had been together or how happy they were as a couple.
Some of the responses were really telling, and others were absolutely surprising.
Redditor David-Davis1 asked:
“Married couples, how frequently do you have sex with your partner?”
Some were familiar with dead bedrooms.
“What is this ‘sex’ thing you speak of?” – ThinkingGoldfish
“When she feels like it. So. Once every few months.”
“And before I get the ‘but don’t you talk to her about it,’ yeah, we’re 22 years in, and we’ve had all the f**king discussions, conversations, etc. it’s when she wants. I’m tired of being rejected.” – wormholeweapons
“Same here, and it sucks – married 22 years, and it’s been nearly four years since she felt like it.” – PacmanTurnerOvadrive
“Used to have a very healthy sex life. Currently, have a 12-week-old child. We occasionally refer to him as ‘our cute c**kblock.’ So yes, at the minute, almost never.” – haveyouseenmywetsuit
“23 years. Used to be 2-3 per week. Haven’t touched each other in 3 years though. Not sure we’ll make 25.” – kurt_go_bang
Others were more familiar with the events that killed the bedroom magic.
“Is she carrying the larger share of the emotional load for both of your lives? Does she do all the organization and administration for your home, kids, vacations, holidays, etc?”
“Because if she does, then I expect she’s tired and doesn’t feel close to you or loved by you. Love is a verb, what are you doing to love her?”
“And by that, I don’t mean instigating sex. Sex comes because everything else is in balance. You should both be the same amount of tired at bedtime, you’re a team.” – fairiestoldmeto
“It’s the mental load. My husband does stuff but it’s me who organizes it. For example, cooking is the easy part. Someone has to decide what to have for meals, do the shopping, etc. And that’s me.”
“We both work full-time but because I am available at times to get kids to school and run them to sports etc., I have to fit it all in. It’s f**king exhausting and I’m not interested in sex at all because I have no time to myself.” – tinkleberry2
“There’s also the social labor! Birthdays, holidays, events, picking out what someone will wear, buying gifts, organizing travel, etc.” – JillianWho
“My wife has a number of mental health issues and the meds have basically turned her off of sex altogether. It’s rough but I guess the alternative is she goes off meds and commits s**cide, so I will just deal with the no sex.” – ThickumsMagoo
“My wife had a low sex drive when she was breastfeeding each of our kids. She’s still breastfeeding the second but going to stop soon… I broke my back 3 years ago and was on some medications.. my sex drive was low… it can be a vicious cycle.”
“Women tend to want to have sex when there is a lot of help, support, non-sexual affection… Men sometimes only feel loved when there is physical affection.. it can get out of control when both partners are building their respective control wall.” – ggs_golf
“This needs to be something more men/people understand. You can’t expect sex just because you are married. It’s HIGHLY unattractive to have a SO (significant other) that puts in the bare minimum when it comes to kids and house chores.”
“I work full-time also but still do the majority of the house/baby work. We have sex when I want it and that’s pretty much it. If you don’t put forth effort, don’t expect your SO to want to have sex all the time.” – T00tSw33t090
But some responses were promising.
“12 years of marriage and 17 total years together. We usually have sex about 2-3 times a week.” – TheRaistLine
“If we are busy with work, then it’s once every other week. When we’re on holiday, off work or have a low work period. 2-3 times a week.” – laugh_if_you_agree
“I don’t have kids but I found that once I went from living apart to living together, the sex increased a bit simply because we only had really been seeing each other once a week or so.”
“When we moved in together, suddenly it was like, ‘”ow, it’s 5:30 on a Tuesday afternoon and I can just have sex? Let’s do it!’” – lupuscapabillus
“Find the right woman, and marriage is wonderful. The ‘spark’ turns into a full-on bonfire some days and those days are really great.”
“I don’t think the spark leaves, I just think people stop trying or stop caring about the marriage, which leads to sex becoming a weapon or a reward or something. Marriages take work. You realize it’s no longer the goal to ‘get married,’ you know?”
“It’s just the start of a new way to do things, but you definitely have to keep the fire lit and if you do a good job, you can keep a nice little fire going all the time that at any moment you or your spouse can just add a bit of fuel to the fire and off you go.” – betterthanamaster
“I’m excited to get married. It’s a mixed bag. Some marriages are so filled with love.” – jesse-james-
Others were less frequent but still acceptable.
“Twice a week (Wednesdays and Saturday or Sunday).”
“0 points for spontaneity.”
“10 points for consistency” – steelingjackalope317
“For parents, you’ll get into the golden period, though, with kids where they take these long naps in the middle of the day and then sleep through the night, usually around 12 months to 24 months.”
“Some days it’ll be rough because babies can be handsy and make mom or dad just feel over-touched, but more often, you get the kid down and unless you have to be somewhere or do something, you’ll jump each other.”
“And that sex is great sex because you both know it could end at any time. Kind of like a feeling of, ‘Ooh, we shouldn’t be doing this. What if someone (the baby) catches us?’ It’s fun.” – betterthanamaster
“We have a tween and busy schedules – I just never want our child to hear… so probably 2-5x a month… if we have time to ourselves or if the kid is away, it’s daily, lol (laughing out loud)… but it’s still amazing, and crave each other. Just complicated with kiddos and life.” – No_Interaction7679
“Together 13 years, married 5. Sometimes twice a day, sometimes twice a month. Sometimes life gets in the way, sometimes we can’t get enough of each other.” – NotMeBuyMyCat
“Been living together for 4 years, married for 2. Usually 3-5 times a week, depending on how we’re feeling. There’s some fluctuation based on hormones and overall wellness, and some based on time of year, but very seldom less than 3 times a week.”
“We have a good time. We’ve been working from home together since the pandemic, and we have significantly more sex just due to proximity. Honestly, the pandemic has been a net positive for our relationship, weirdly enough.” – Cadwaladur
These responses were incredibly eye-opening about relationships, including the fact marriage, length of the relationship, or even the amount of sex, do not guarantee happiness.
Rather, it’s about the couple and that each person’s needs are being met.
Whether that means getting together twice a week or twice a year, that’s up to them.