Category: Twitter

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Are These Things “Cheap” or Just “Illegal?” People Describe Their Cheapest Achievements.

Twitter user Rubba Band Grant caused a stir on Twitter when he mused out loud about the “cheapest” thing he’d ever done:

As a lot of people were eager to point out, that’s not so much “being cheap” as it is just “stealing tires.” Not that we’re snitches here. We’re gonna give Grant the benefit of the doubt and assume this was made up for entertainment purposes only. And we’ll extend that benefit toward all the Twitter replies that followed which had…dubious legality.

Here’s a few ways people apparently skirt the system to save some cash.

10. Water, water everywhere

This is a perfect example of how you can be clearly deceitful without technically lying.

9. Up close and personal

If you’ve got those kinds of photoshop skills *on a phone* then I’ve got mad respect.

8. Pole vaulting

Oh my God…I’m so tempted…

7. Inspired / expired

You’d think their barcode scanners would be smarter than that.

6. The switch

Well done.

5. What a tool

Walmart will pretty much take anything back, they don’t care.

4. Book ’em

Pretty hard to feel sympathy for either Amazon or the textbook industry.

3. Signed, sealed, delivered

You gotta wonder how often people do this.

2. Free means free!

Seems kind of sad and ridiculous that they wouldn’t just give their employees a free sandwich on their lunch break anyway.

1. Since delivert

Didn’t they have some way to like, check your order though?

We’re not saying we endorse any of these methods. We’re not saying we don’t, either. WE AIN’T SAYIN’ NOTHIN’, YA HEAR?

Do you have a method like this?

Tell us in the comments. We won’t judge.

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Very Questionable Ways People “Saved Money”

Almost everybody I know is looking for ways to save a buck here and there. But some of us go to extremes.

Like Rubba Band Grant on Twitter here:

Now, we’re pretty sure that’s just theft…though maybe he was joking? Whatever, we’re not the cops. We’re just invested weirdos who went on to scroll endlessly through the replies and find a bunch of other surprising ways that people *ahem* saved money.

Some of them truly were just “being cheap,” but others…well, again. We’re not the cops.

So let’s just look at the tweets.

10. You are banned

This is like a really low key sequel to Ocean’s 11.

9. Stay on target

Um…yeah this is just theft. Like, three times over.

8. Peak Philly

I wish I had those kinds of skills.

7. The tube

How devilishly clever.

6. Complimentary

Eh, who’s gonna know?

5. Stacks on stacks

I’m sure you looked lovely.

4. Phoney business

If I’m reading this right, I’m pretty sure you’re just describing blackmail.

3. I scream

Hope nobody got fired.

2. Free 99

Again, sure hope nobody got fired.

1. Punching up

That’s a short con I can get behind.

So remember, if you gotta save money, maybe try to like…avoid jail in the process.

Do you have a story like this?

Tell us in the comments.

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Tweets That Really Deserve to be Preserved

Did you know that the Library of Congress used to archive every tweet ever sent?

Everything inane, everything hilarious, everything historic, everything Presidential, everything that fit all four of those categories. It’s really pretty mind-boggling to think about.

In fact their minds might have gotten just a little bit too boggled, because they became more selective about what they decided to archive starting in 2017.

From that point on, you might be gettin’ into the great library, and ya might not. The thing is, there are something like 350,000 new Tweets sent out every single minute, and continuing to archive that compounding mass just became too big of a task.

However, I’d like to nominate these particular tweets for preservation. For us. For our future.

14. Trouble in the water

Dolphins are the jocks of the ocean.

13. Money talks

Ok but can you explain shorting to me?

12. Marching on

Colbert has always been ahead of his time.

11. Crashing

Life imitates art imitating life.

10. Meme queen

Ah the good old days.

9. Taking stock

Education subverted.

8. It’s magic

This seems like what their strategy has been.

 

7. Dog on the run

Is he in the witness protection program?

6. Life hack

Work smarter, not harder.

5. It’s in the bag

My hubris has been my undoing.

4. Quiet down

You know what you did.

3. Don’t question it

Our butts have something to say.

2. Spell it out

This is the future that liberals want.

1. All an act

Thank you for coming to my one woman show.

Just perfect. They need to be passed down to posterity. Get on it, Congress.

What Twitter account would you like preserved forever?

Tell us in the comments.

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Tweets For People Who Are Always Late

I believed that once I started working from home, and most everyone else did too, that things would be better for me in one important way.

Once ALL meetings went to video chat, and all assignments were just pinged back and forth between apartments, I thought to myself “At least I’ll never be late now.”

What a fool I was.

Somehow I have managed to be late for things that have involved nothing more than walking the ten feet from my bedroom to my desk. SOMEHOW I’ve even managed to mess up the timing when I’m already AT my desk and I just forgot to open up the link in time. It’s a sad state of affairs. But I know I’m not alone, because I’ve got a lot of fellow “always lates” on Twitter to commiserate with.

10. Common courtesy

Can’t you see that I’m terrified and full of misdirected rage?

9. Sublime connections

And then you get that rush of a feeling like “Maybe we’ll cancel.”

8. Identity crisis

You can accuse me of many things, but of this my hands are clean.

7. Short sighted

It’s true, that’s just science.

6. Double jeopardy

In for a dime, in for a dollar.

5. Slow your roll

That is a straight up power move right there.

4. Let ’em loose

You’d be shocked how quickly I can get on a high horse.

3. Fool me once, shame on you

Fool me thirty seven times, why are we even still friends?

2. The towel game

This is an ancient ritual which mustn’t be disturbed.

1. Savor it

It’s the little things.

 

I guess there’s just no hope for me and my lateness.

But what about you? Can you actually manage to get places on time? If so, how?

Tell us your secrets in the comments.

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Tweets That Are Totally Perfect For You

Have you seen any good tweets around lately? I’ve been lookin’ and lookin’ and for the life of me I just can’t seem to track any down.

I’ve tried everything – the park, under my couch, beneath the fears I keep locked away within my deepest self, and nothin’!

I guess maybe I could try scrolling down. See if there are any tweets below this text. But, yanno, I DOUBT it.

10. Deep fears

I experienced quicksand in real life for the first time recently and let me tell you, it is, at worst, trippy.

9. Silly goose

“We tried to warn ya man! Get out of our pavilion, man!”

8. Uber sneaky

“Oh crap I was supposed to take a picture, here ya go.”

7. Frog day afternoon

He blob. He frog. He nap inside he bog.

6. Let him speak!

The pressure is too much and I just sorta crumble.

5. Checkmate

Just give them some bread and let them be.

4. The big five

That’s an enormous accomplishment, maybe. Depends on the content of the mails.

3. New expectations

The bags within the bag always feels stupid until the moment you need it and you can’t find it.

2. Do the math

Hey, that sounds like a pretty sweet deal.

1. On the flip side

It’s all me, and it’s all a mess.

Oh wow, it turns out the Tweets were here all along! On this very page! And inside all of us! The internet truly is a magical place.

Who are your favorite people to follow on Twitter?

Tell us in the comments.

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Tweets That Will Make You Feel Old…In a Good Way

It’s one thing to realize that you’re no longer in the youngest generation around, it’s another thing altogether to realize that the younger generation is now going to college and taking over the culture and you’re no longer cool if you ever were.

Though to be honest, it’s not all bad. The pressure to be cool is overwhelming. Not to mention stupid. To be told “hey don’t worry about it, there’s a whole new shift of people competing to be cool now, nothing is expected of you, you’re relieved of duty” is sort of nice.

So I don’t mind these tweets that make me feel old. I embrace them. I enjoy them. And I hope you will too.

12. Oh, baby

How do you still have the stamina to go to a club?

11. Rock my world

Timeline aside, that’s not their genre.

10. Sharpen up

Do kids use exclusively mechanical pencils now? Do they use no pencils? Help me.

9. Dolla dolla bills

Oh how quickly we forget.

8. How touching

“Let me tell you about this little piece of madness called the scroll wheel.”

7. Hawk one up

They just re-released this, so maybe he’ll know soon?

6. Compliments of the house

Wait. This was posted in 2018. If that guy was born in ’98, that means he was either 20 or 21.
In other words, exactly the perfect age range for ID to be required.

5. Cool hang

“PHONES ONCE HAD CRADLES, LIKE BABIES! I SWEAR IT!”

4. Bitter sweet

It was a virus portal is what it was.

3. A curse on our house

Let them laugh.
Let them mock.
Their time is coming soon enough.

2. Pay to play

It took us way too long to realise cable TV was a scam.

1. Girl, bye

Just hit me with the truth.

These tweets have made me feel so old that I think I can legally retire now.

How old do you feel, and why?

Tell us in the comments.

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Tweets We Think Will Make You LOL

Look, the internet loves cats. We know this. It’s practically a law of nature. It’s practically in the Bible.

But just because we love them doesn’t mean we have to surrender everything to them. We have to put our human paws down every once in a while and say NO. THESE TWEETS ARE FOR HUMANS. NOT FOR KITTIES.

If it wasn’t apparent, my cat and I are in the fight right now and I’m not sharing any of the cool tweets I find with him. But I’ll share ’em with you:

10. Nobody’s hero

And then you hear those little creaky guitar sounds and it’s just all over for you.

9. Bag check

They best not have forgot my fries or we’re gonna have words.

8. The mantra

It’s solid policy like this that should have landed him the nomination.

7. That’s a wrap

It’s a tough jobs but somebody’s gotta do it.

6. Growing pains

Things get more confusing.

5. What a vibe

I’m at the KFC
I’m at the Sephora
I’m at the combination KFC / Sephora

4. Gotta bounce

Come to think of it, there are few “fun” activities that are more embarrassing.

3. Gran-berry

Click the image if you can’t see the punchline yet.

2. Oh, baby

Somebody on Twitter said he was about to drop the hottest album of 2002.

1. Sweet release

Don’t do it. Seriously, it’s gonna hurt.

My cat and I have now reconciled and I’ve lifted him to the screen to show him the tweets. He didn’t laugh though, so we’re fighting again.

Who are the best people on Twitter today?

Tell us in the comments.

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Tweets Designed to Make You Laugh

Hello, kids. It is I, a young person. I’m here to enjoy with you the things that we like, specifically Tweets.

No old or out of touch folks here, no sirree. Certainly nobody around who would unironically use the phrase “no sirree.” Just us youths. Youths as far as the eye can see.

Here are eleven Tweets that your dad won’t like.

11. It’s time to stop

Surely if I get it down to the second I can explain myself.

10. Blue sea blues

Everyone be quiet, I want to hear his music.

9. Holy crop

I would like “The shade, the skill” to be what goes on my headstone, please.

8. Missing persons

It’s the thought that counts.

7. The sh*t is bananas

“It’s one banana Michael, how much could it cost? Ten dollars?”

6. I scream

As someone who has had to run around in these costumes before, thank you for your service.

5. Game night in

Don’t truck with this guy.

4. Out of this world

You might wanna just kinda stay up there for a while.

3. Big accomplishments

How is he still literally smokin’ hot?

2. This and that

You gotta stay original and stay on brand.

1. Save it up

I hope it’s enough to make the sun stop setting at like 3:00 pm in Chicago because this is bogus.

Totally radical, am I correct my young peers? And now I am off to do the TikTok magnesium challenge or whatever it is we do.

Who are your favorite people on the Tweeters?

Tell us in the comments.

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Tweets So Good You Might Want to Kiss Them

Have you ever seen a Tweet so good you wish you could be friends with it? Or maybe even MORE than friends?

I mean, think about it. They could have made anything the icon for expressing your approval of a tweet, but they went with a romantic red heart.

So, do you like the tweet or do you LIKE like the tweet? See how each of these tickles your fancy.

11. Share a coke

Don’t forget that they gave out heroin as medicine.

10. A hand out

Um…do you mean like…handing someone money? That’s not new.

9. Edgy comedy

That is just flat out wrong.

8. We are not smiles times

Hey how about you drink an entire glass of chill and get back to me.

7. The final countdown

Ironically, you should probably see a therapist about this.

6. Bird brains

“Nobody even drops good food anymore, this is bogus.”

5. Somethin’ nice

See, you’re joking, but the reality is you could use Bezos’ money to buy a mansion and if nobody told him he’d literally never know.

4. Sunk in

Oh hey there toilet, it’s me, ya boy.

3. The artistry

Every once in a while I’ll still see these in the wild and just marvel at ’em.

2. Party time!

To be fair to her, it’s a ridiculous custom we’ve created.

1. Leaked footage

Your son is absolutely going places and I would like to follow.

I’m gonna take all those tweets out to make out point and just smooch ’em. You can’t stop me.

Who are your favorite people to follow on Twitter?

Tell us in the comments.

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Tweets For You to Read on the Toilet

Sorry if this is too personal a question but are you like, in the bathroom right now?

It’s cool if you are, I’m not here to judge. In fact, I do it all the time, and what I like to have alongside me for a nice long potty sit are some good tweets to read.

So in the spirit of all that, I hope you like these tweets?

And I hope your um…session goes well.

10. Oy, mate

I was gonna say I’m pretty sure that’s Adam Driver but to each their own.

9. Special effects

Well, if you can’t celebrate the little things…

8. An explosion of flavor

He appears to be surprised, but not in the least bit sorry.

7. Wall to wall

Cool cool cool cool, you’re gonna need to go ahead and move out immediately.

6. Inception

How come nobody in Star Wars has ever said those words together?

5. Screening process

Oh cool now I’m sad about everything, thanks.

4. Highway hypnosis

How are any of us even alive at this point?

3. Lawless times

I mean, Google exists so just better hope they don’t check anything.

2. A great personality

I had to learn how to cope with it all somehow.

1. Nun of your business

Dude I would have so many questions, that is a thoroughly trippy episode.

Don’t forget to wash your hands when you’re done. Also, other people need to use the room, you should probably get up now.

What’s your favorite thing to scroll through in the bathroom?

Tell us in the comments.

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