Category: psychology

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These 7 Psychological Facts Might Explain Your Occasional Lack of Motivation

We all deal with procrastination and lack of motivation from time to time, but it’s also true that if you take a closer look at the reasons you’re not doing what you need to be doing when you need to be doing it, there’s probably an underlying psychological cause.

Below are 7 things that could be stopping you from completing your to-do list today – and if you can understand why you’ve stalled, you’ll be able to recover your get-up-and-go and get to it!

#7. Your goals are too big or unattainable.

Photo Credit: Pixabay

You’ll have a hard time staying motivated if your brain senses there’s no way to get to the finish line. If there are too many steps, there are too many chances to fail, and your subconscious may balk.

Instead, set smaller, short-term goals that can lead you towards larger ones.

#6. You don’t believe in yourself.

Photo Credit: Pixabay

You have to believe in your ability to achieve what you set out to do – those who do are more likely to possess the motivation necessary to accomplish those tasks. If you’re struggling, this study shows that repeating positive affirmations can increase your energy and belief in the attainability of your goals.

#5. You feel as if you’re not making a difference.

Photo Credit: Pixabay

We all want to feel like the work we’re doing makes a difference in the world – a fact this study proved by watching people who believed they were making calls to raise money for a good cause as opposed to some other reason.

If you’re struggling, try connecting with the people who benefit from your work and track the results to give yourself ongoing motivation.

#4. You’ve talked too much about your goals.

Photo Credit: Pixabay

Contrary to popular belief, it’s best to keep big goals and dreams to yourself. Write them down, if you want, but science says that talking about them to other people tricks your brain into thinking they’ve already been accomplished when they definitely haven’t.

#3. You’re being forced to complete a task.

Photo Credit: Pixabay

It probably comes as no surprise that people feel more motivated when they’re faced with completing something they want to do as opposed to something they have to do. The more autonomy we have, the more energy we have, but the hard truth is there are always things that need doing even if we don’t want to.

To get them done, trade the words “have to” to “choose to” and take back some control.

#2. You had strict parents.

Photo Credit: Pixabay

There’s a study that concludes people who procrastinate often and for a long time likely had strict parents growing up – and that goes double for women who grew up in a house with a strict father. The act of procrastinating counts as a form of rebellion, even into adulthood.

To beat this issue, you’re probably going to want to talk to a licensed therapist…

#1. You spend too much time visualizing success.

Photo Credit: Pixabay

Positive thinking has its place on the path to success, but simply visualizing the result you want isn’t going to increase your motivation – it could even drain your energy and make you less likely to get going.

Weirdly, science says that visualizing not only your goal, but more importantly the potential setbacks along the way, can have a positive effect on your ability to get started and keep going.

h/t: Distractify

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This Woman Got a Wrong Number Message from a Scientologist…and Decided to Respond

We’ve all received a text from a wrong number at least once in our lives. Usually, we just delete it and move on. But what if you got a text from a Scientologist looking to recruit you? That’s exactly what happened to Shelby and she couldn’t resist having a little fun.

No word on whether the recruiter in question was amused at all, but for the rest of you…enjoy.

How it began…

Photo Credit: Imgur

 

At first, the person seems convinced ‘Shelby’ is messing with her, but this picture seems to have changed her mind. Somehow.

Photo Credit: Imgur

 

But ‘Shelby’ wasn’t done. She had to see how far she could take it, and believe me…it’s farther than you’d think.

Photo Credit: Imgur

They had to realize after that last one, right? I mean, we’ll never know because that’s where the post ends, but, like, they figured it out…right?

Trolling lesson complete!

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Before and After Photos Show How Clothing Can Affect Our Perception of People

Seeing before and afters of men wearing street clothes versus suits definitely proves the adage that “the clothes make the man”.  Even if you think that what you wear (or see others wearing) doesn’t affect perception, these pictures can leave no doubt that we’re influenced by what people are wearing.

For men who have come out the other side of imprisonment or addiction, what they’re wearing out on job interviews is important to two reasons – for the image they present and because of its effect on their own confidence. That’s why non-profit Sharp Dressed Man, an alliance between the Baltimore Fashion Alliance and the Living Classrooms Foundation founded in 2011, custom designs suits for men re-entering the workforce. Normally, they cost upwards of $3,000.

Christopher Schafer, the tailor and founder of the group, collections donated high-end suits from clients and locals and then, on Wednesdays, men come in for a fitting, haircut, and a hot meal. He’s battled addiction himself and knows the meaning of a second chance – and the importance of getting it right.

“I really think that the biggest thing, though, is a guy gets treated with respect. And some of these guys have not been. They have not treated themselves with respect, nor have they been treated with respect,” he told PBS.

Check out 15 of their fabulous, heartfelt, and spiffy transitions below!

#15. Chin up.

#14. Yeah, throw those shoulders back.

#13. The smile says it all.

#12. That bowtie is everything.

#11. What a change.

#10. That smile, though.

#9. Hello, confidence!

#8. I think he actually grew taller.

#7. He makes me want to smile back.

#6. Haircut and pinstripes ftw.

#5. Love the colors.

#4. Gratitude.

#3. Pride shines.

#2. Silly and happy.

#1. I want to give him a hug.

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The Differences Between Dating Men and Women, According to 12+ Bisexuals

Bisexual people have dated members of both sexes. This gives them a unique insight into men, women, and relationships that most of us don’t have.

In this AskReddit thread, people who are bisexual reveal these differences.

1. Public perception

“How it’s received by the general public. When I’m out one on one with a man, it’s second nature to assume he is my significant other in situations such as having a dinner date or a weekend away at a hotel. That’s not the case when I’m with a woman. In particular, my current girlfriend looks somewhat similar to me. We’re both petite blondes. When we are out together, the first assumption is that we’re sisters or best friends. We have to make a point to explain that we’re together. It doesn’t bother me, as most people genuinely just don’t know and assume what’s second nature to them. It’s just an observation.”

2. Truth!

“Men can get ready in a matter of minutes.”

3. No privacy

“It’s a little weird on a date with a woman that you use the same bathroom. You don’t get that moment to yourself and there’s no privacy.”

4. Feelin’ good

“I keep seeing a reoccurring theme here. Girls think sex with girls is better, and guys think sex with guys is better. Possibly because you have the same anatomy and know what feels good?”

5. Differences

“In arguments alone: Women are explosive, but more pleasant in the day-to-day. Men tend to backslide into a quiet agony that never gets resolved.”

6. Communication

“More individual difference than gender difference.

But if there is one it’s communication style. Men take a lot longer to open up. And I’d say most men are less thoughtful about many things (like keeping track of important things happening in your life and giving support through them) although my personal experience there with the only man I’ve seriously dated has been stellar.”

7. Dominance

“There’s actually a noticeable difference on how I approach the relationship. When I’m with men I like being taken care of, but I like being more dominant in with women, I’ll do all the things I’d want a man to do for me.”

8. Bros

“The biggest difference for me, as a guy, is that there is a different level of friendship with a guy than a girl. With my current bf, it’s like I’m hanging out with my best bro, at the same time as spending time with the person I love. We do everything together and I never really want time away.

My last ex, a girl, was great to spend time with, but there was a level of understanding and friendship that wasn’t there purely because she was a girl. She could never understand certain things that a guy just gets. That shared understanding of experience that guys have. I’m sure girls have the same thing with other girls.

That was longer than I expected, but that’s the biggest difference I have.”

9. More truth

“One of them is WAY more comfortable buying tampons than the other.”

10. Understanding

“I’ve only dated gay guys and straight girls. For me the biggest difference has been that girls have in general been a lot more understanding of my sexuality and the guys have been a lot more biphobic/dismissive about it.”

11. A positive outlook…

“Women will ruin you emotionally, but men will disappoint you profoundly.”

12. S E X

“Sex. Was constantly being pursued to have sex while dating a man. Now sex is rarely had. If at all.”

13. Break ups

“with women, i always get emotional,..in a complete mess after breaking up. but men, i got over them..before the break up.

women–i think about them often when not together.

men–we were always doing activities together.”

14. It’s all about personality

“Honestly for me, I tend to be attracted to a similar type of personality regardless of gender, and that includes a lack of interest in conforming to gender roles, so in terms of internal relationship dynamics there hasn’t been an easy-to-parse difference my ex-boyfriends and ex-girlfriends along gender lines.”

15. Crazy talk

“Everyone’s giving normal scenarios, so I wanna bring up worst case. The ‘crazy guy’ is genuinely f****** insane, while the ‘crazy girl’ is a funny kind of insane. Like, craziest guy was a guy who gave me a necklace that he put his blood on to protect me from the secret powers of his alternate personality, and still tries to low key stalk me on social media, while the craziest girl is probably a tie between the super religious girl who cried when I ate meat and the ultra communist who told me she loved me within like an hour.:

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What Psychologists Wish More People Knew About Human Behavior

Empathy and understanding are two traits that we could always use a little more of. Here are 15 things about human behavior professionals believe everyone should know – shortcuts, ftw!

#15. Alleviate suffering.

“Not a psychologist yet, still studying, but an old professor of mine said something my first week of uni that really stuck with me and affected how I see the field: The job of a psychologist isn’t to make people normal, it’s to alleviate suffering.

Psychology unfortunately is often used to justify hate or bigotry, by a good clinician shouldn’t shame people for being ‘abnormal’, they should do what they need to help the person improve their quality of life.”

#14. The Spotlight effect.

“The Spotlight effect. Basically, we all think that people pay way more attention to us then they really do, and we think that the spotlight is on us in social situations more than it really is. If you do something embarrassing and you think “oh my god everyone saw that!” It’s likely that nobody saw that and you’re fine. Everybody does this, and it applies to more situations.”

#13. Space.

“Nothing profound here, but when someone is upset do not tell them to stay calm. It will only escalate the situation. Best thing is for you to be calm, try to have a neutral facial expression and keep your speech as minimal as possible. Give the upset person space.”

#12. PTSD.

“Most people know this but I’m surprised how many don’t so….

PTSD is not something that you get from being in a war or in the military. It can come from any trauma that you endure- sexual abuse, natural disaster, emotional abuse, bullying, etc.

Also, only ~25% of people in high stress situations will develop it. (Ie, not everyone who has seen people killed in Iraq have PTSD.)

ETA- Examples of other things that can cause PTSD:

Childbirth
Ongoing medical care
Caring for the sick
(Car) Accidents
Witnessing (domestic) violence
Serving time in prison
Also, it doesn’t have to be just one occurrence. A kid watching his mother get beaten every few months by his dad could lead to it.

It doesn’t even have to happen to you. It can be something you witness or heard secondhand or even something that you think happened but didn’t as in the rare cases of false memories.”

#11. The anniversary effect.

“My friend is a therapist and was explaining how the anniversary effect or anniversary reaction works. It’s usually being reminded of an unpleasant event on the anniversary of the event. It doesn’t have to be the same day, it could be seasonal.

The mind codes the trauma somehow and the trauma will be activated during that period of time.

For instance, we have a friend who was abused by her father every fall while she played soccer as a child. The father would physically/mentally/emotionally abuse her if she she didn’t play well in her soccer game. She gets uneasy around this time of year—end of August-beginning of Sept bc this is when her soccer season would start.”

#10. What’s familiar.

“People aren’t attracted by what’s right, they are attracted by what’s familiar.

If you think you have a shit magnet look at your parents.”

#9. Trauma bonding.

“Trauma bonding. If a partner causes you a trauma (hits you, blurs sexual consent lines, screams at you, cheats) and you don’t talk to anyone else but stay in the room long enough to calm down/allow them to comfort you, you will remember the kindness and support while your defense mechanisms will detach you from the trauma. That’s one reason why people stay in abusive relationships: they feel like the abuser has been the only one there for them through trauma, and that supersedes their feelings about the abuser being person who traumatized them.

ETA: this strengthens your attachment to a toxic person and makes separation from them its own little trauma. Also, the more often the trauma-comfort cycle repeats, the stronger the bond and the more traumatizing the separation. Just because someone comforts you after they’ve done something wrong doesn’t mean you’ll trauma bond to them: it’s whether or not they accept your reaction or force you to stay that matters.

edit 2 since this is getting popular I need to add that I’m a psychology student/therapy-goer/survivor of abuse, not a psychologist.”

#8. Validating feelings.

“Something I’ve discovered as a nurse during my time in the NICU. If someone is upset, either angry, sad, worried, whatever, telling them it’s ok to feel that way calms them down waaaaaay more than anything else you can say. Validate their feelings, don’t try to tell them how it could be worse, never use the phrase “at least” followed by anything. Tell them it’s ok to feel what ever they’re feeling.”

#7. Children absorb everything.

“I am not licensed but I have a BA in psych and have had way too many therapist appointments.

Many people don’t think that what you say around children doesn’t affect them if they’re not “old enough.” Children absorb A LOT. It doesn’t matter if they’re 7 or whatever. They’ll pick up after you. They’ll notice anything that’s going on even if they can’t TELL you so. A lot of adults will not comprehend why they have such feelings until they delve in to their past and realize the environment they grew up in.

When it comes to therapy, don’t think it’s a bad idea to “shop around.” It took me years to find a therapist that I felt I could actually open up to. Some are strictly textbook, some are off the grid, some just have charisma. You have to find who you can trust and be vulnerable to.”

#6. On power.

“Power makes you think more abstractly but also makes you see people as means to an end and lack perspective on other people’s points-of-view. Having power makes you disregard rules, take action, and behave like yourself. It also makes you pay more attention to rewards and perceive positive cues, such as attraction, where there isn’t any.

If you’ve ever wondered why there are always asshole bosses around, it’s because their brain is on power and it hasn’t brought out their best qualities. It should also make you consider how having power affects your own behaviour.”

#5. Incredibly complex.

“Nobody has the right to tell you how to feel. Emotions are incredibly complex. Your emotional reaction to an event is just as valid as the next person’s. You are allowed to not necessarily feel sad that your aunt died or whatever. You are also allowed to feel a wide range of emotions to an event. You can be happy, sad, afraid, pissed off, and confused all at once and that’s perfectly valid. Granted, depending on the cultural norms, how you express these emotions can be problematic. But your emotions you feel are yours and nobody has a right to ever tell you what you should feel in any given situation.”

#4. Work you do yourself.

“Used to work in mental health. Now work in an adjacent field. Off the top of my head:

Therapy isn’t something done to you. There seems to be this mistaken belief that if you show up, the therapist just says some magic words, you have a breakthrough, and you don’t really have to work for it. I keep hearing from people who say “I went to therapy once, and it didn’t do anything!” Therapy is work you do yourself, and the therapist is a sort of consultant along the way. And it’s not instant.”

#3. Anger vs. Fear.

“BS in psychology here.

It’s easier to feel anger than fear. If somebody is irrationally angry, it’s likely they are afraid of something, and it’s likely they aren’t aware of the difference.

Also, the stages of grief are an accurate description of what happens after a loss—but what a lot of people don’t know is that you can bounce between them any number of times before you get to acceptance, you can get stuck in one or skip one entirely. Everybody handles it differently.”

#2. Greater well-being.

“Mortality salience. If you’re (consciously or not) reminded that you’re going to die one day before making a decision, you’re more likely to pick the option that will grant you greater wellbeing.

For example, when salient made aware of your mortality, you’re more likely to: donate to charity, make large purchases, make the most of an activity, judges are more likely to convict criminals, your world beliefs become hardened and people have a higher opinion of you from a social interaction.”

#1. Listen.

“Answering for my wife who is a psychologist.

She says it’s quite easy. Listen.

Listen to what people around you are saying. Listen to how they’re saying it. Don’t have thoughts running around in your head. Don’t be thinking about your dinner.

Listen.”

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Goats Are Drawn to Happy People, According to Research

Good news, goat lovers. If goats are drawn to you, that means you are a happy person. That’s an obviously self-fulfilling statement, but it also may be scientifically true that goats prefer you because you’re happy.

At least that’s what a recent study says.

Photo Credit: Pixabay

The study says that goats prefer “positive human emotional facial expressions.” In other words, if you’re smiling, goats are more drawn to you. In the study, goats roamed and explored an area that had two black and white photos at goat-eye level. One was of a smiling human face, the other an angry face.

The goats preferred to approach the smiling face. This suggests that goats have the ability to read human facial expressions. Companion animals such as dogs are recognized as able to read human emotions, but this is the first research to show that goats might have that same ability. So get out into the country today and go smile at some of these adorable fluffers!

Photo Credit: Unsplash, L ley

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These 5 Puzzles Will Warm Up Your Brain

Your brain could always use a good workout, and these five puzzles are just the thing to do the trick. Enjoy!

#5. A kingdom far, far, away.

Photo Credit: Pixabay

Far, far, away lived a king who didn’t allow anyone in or out of his kingdom. There was a single bridge that connected them to the outside world, and royal orders stated that anyone moving outside should be killed, and anyone coming in should be turned back.

There’s a single guard on the bridge and he’s allowed to take rest breaks inside a hut of no more than 5 minutes. It takes 8 minutes to cross the bridge.

Even so, one woman manages to escape the kingdom. How?

 

Continue reading for the answer!

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12+ People Reveal A Secret Nobody Else Knows About Them

We’ve all got our secrets…some juicier than others. And some that no one else knows but ourselves. And since the internet is anonymous, telling here doesn’t count. And some of these folks have some doozies!

#15. A proper date.

“I’m 30 and have been single all my life. Never had a proper date or anything.

I tell people I did have girlfriends in the past, to not seem like a total loser.”

#14. Why I’m single.

“I want a monogamous healthy relationship. A lot of people, including my friends, think I’m single because I want to be a bachelor. They see how I live my life by doing things on my own and not being tied down. The thing is I believe in love, and I want to find the right person, but I feel like I have to take down some barriers first before even thinking of dating.”

#13. For almost a year now.

“I’ve been visiting a professional Dominatrix for almost a year now.”

#12. Secretly.

“That I’m secretly bisexual.”

#11. I can’t tell him.

“I have a crush on a close friend.

I can’t tell him because I don’t want to make our friendship weird or awkward.

If my family found out, I would never stop getting crap for it or harassed because my family is racist and homophobic

Edit: someone asked in a pm, so I guess I’ll put it here. I’m white and he’s asian.”

#10. It’s been two years.

“TL;DR – Tried to suck my own dick and succeeded but it fucked up my back and had to miss 5 months of high school because of pain. Failed college entrance exams because I didn’t go to classes and knew nothing about the subjects. I am now repeating an entire year now so maybe at least I can get into a good college next year. It’s been 2 years and I still can’t sit for more than 30min without cramps in my mid back.”

#9. Not a relative.

“That I am actually very lonely. I wish i had someone who isnt a family relative that really cares and loves me.”

#8. Someone at work.

“I’ve been dating someone at work for about a month now.”

#7. Ridiculously good.

“I am ridiculously good at throwing knives. I threw for fun pretty much daily for about 10 years growing up, without even realising I was actually honing a skill to perfection. Stopped as I moved out of my parents house and went to college. 20 years later, I can still pick up any knife, immediately estimate the weight/balance and nail a tree 5 meters away.”

#6. My parents let it happen.

“I was physically abused by my brother growing up and my parents let it happen, besides that I was verbally abused. I’m now in therapy for depression and anxiety and now realizing thanks to my therapist that I’ve been traumatized from being abused as a kid.”

#5. The looks I get.

“I get so much shit for working in retail with a bachelor’s degree. It’s not my dream job, but neither is my degree. I stuck it out in college because that seemed like the right thing to do. I don’t know what I want to do with my life, but I figure if I have a stable job, that’s better than a spotty track record. I’ve stopped telling people I have a degree because the looks I get turn my stomach.

Woof- had to get that off my chest.”

#4. My plan.

“That I am studying Japanese. My plan is becoming fluent, then bang my head on some cupboard or something, and pretend I can no longer speak any language other than Japanese, and acting very confused about it.”

#3. Sad inside.

“I spend my time making everyone happy cause I’m sad inside.

Edit: to all those that know or feel how I feel I hope you find your happiness.”

#2. My friends all work and wonder.

“I make a lot of cash betting and playing games online. Like, more than enough to not need a job while studying.

Meanwhile my friends all work and wonder why my lazy ass doesn’t get a fucking job.”

#1. Everything happens so fast.

“That im terrified of growing up, i just turned 20 a couple weeks ago and I still have no idea what i want to do with my life. Everything happens so fast.”

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Woman Asks for Advice After Her Boyfriend Censors Her In Public: The Internet Delivers

A woman shared her story on AskReddit and asked for advice about a strange predicament: her boyfriend censors what she’s allowed to say in public. She asked:

My boyfriend Dan always tells me “Don’t talk about that when people can hear you” and I feel like most of the stuff he says that about is stuff that’s just normal conversation. I’ll give a couple examples so you get the idea.

We were at the supermarket and he asked me if I was going to my friend Jim’s party. I said I wasn’t sure yet. He asked why. I said “I told Jim that me and the girls wouldn’t go if Mark was gonna be there, cause Mark’s been a huge creep to us all.” Dan shushed me, and whispered “Don’t talk about that here”

Another time, we were on the bus, and I was talking about my old roommate, and how she was still dating a teacher she had in high school, who came onto her basically immediately after she graduated. And how sketchy that was. Dan basically told me off for saying that on the bus. Which felt kinda ridiculous because there’s worse stuff you hear on buses; there was some strung out druggie woman talking to herself just a few seats back.

Another time, we were in the pharmacy, and I said “What brand of lube did you like better? I forget” And held up two bottles. He got really irritated when we got back in the car.

And one more time, he got snippy with me for saying “Did I tell you what my therapist said this morning?” Because apparently seeing a therapist is another inappropriate topic.

In general, I feel like I have to put on some kinda picture perfect act every time we’re outside one of our apartments. Like I can’t tell the truth about conflicts in my friend group, weird shit I’ve seen in life, or ask even basic questions about lube and condoms, in the lube and condoms aisle of the pharmacy…

It’s not like he minds those topics in general. I think it’s more like an anxiety thing, that he’s worried about strangers overhearing and judging us. But it’s really stressing me out, because I never know what he’s going to tell me is a no-no topic for him. I feel like I’ve got to put on an act every time we’re outside, or else we’re going to argue.

But I don’t know if I’m in the wrong, and I really could do to tone it down a little. So I’m looking for a few second opinions. Is the kinda stuff I say stuff I should be embarrassed to say in a public place? If not, how can I talk to my boyfriend about how much this is stressing me out?

These are the responses she received.

1. Self-conscious

“He sounds like he’s really self-conscious about what other people/strangers think of him. The examples you gave don’t sound like something you should be quieted for in my opinion. It’s not like you were loudly swearing in front of children at church. Maybe it’s an issue of compatibility. If you’re a more outgoing, carefree person, you shouldn’t have to feel embarrassed about that because your boyfriend is uncomfortable. It’s really frustrating to feel like you can’t be yourself around your significant other or feel like they’re embarrassed of you. Have you talked to him about it or how often it seems to happen? Did he have anything to say?”

2. Small town?

“Is your boyfriend from a small town?

Cause 100% of that absolutely would get to my mom by the time I got home where I grew up. Took a long time for the small town paranoia to fall away. Being chatty in public is definitely a perk I have come to enjoy living in a bigger city.”

3. It may become a mountain

“My husband used to be like your boyfriend. He’d give me a look to shoosh me, and I would stare back at him as if to say “silence me I dare you” and continue talking. We would later have discussions about it and found some compromises. He once told me he preferred long hair when I was itching to cut it and told him. I acknowledged his opinion and cut it off anyways. Then he realized he liked me still with short hair. As you can tell, I don’t take to feeling like someone is trying to control me well.

These little quirks make me who I am, and he fell in love with quirky me so he can put up with a wife who thinks tennis shoes are appropriate for church when my feet hurt.

He did back off after discussions where I said I felt like these were attempts to control me or change me. Why fall in love with a person and then attempt to change them? He also naturally chilled a lot over the years, but I asserted myself on these things while dating.

It may become a mountain if you don’t level the molehill.”

4. Might be repressed

“Ok the lube one is just hilarious…

But he sounds really uptight and… repressed? Like I’m from a super WASP-y family, and we just don’t talk about a lot of things, but thats usually money/income/mental health issues. We’re all over gossip about creeps and lecherous teachers…

Is he very image conscious? Like overly concerned what other people think of him?”

5. WASPy

“I was thinking this was probably the result of a WASPy upbringing. And I mean sure, maybe not everyone wants to have a grand conversation about income or mental health issues or lube in the middle of the store. But shushing his girlfriend talking about someone else’s mental health in front of other randos?

That’s super ridiculous and potentially problematic because that would encourage people being harassed/abused/mentally tortured to not speak up. And that speaks to upper echelon royalty/megarich WASPyness. I hope he can come around and be more comfortable with this sort of stuff, otherwise their relationship might stall out for inability to communicate.”

6. I’d be bothered…

“Being shushed over the creeper or the therapist thing would really bother me.

Saying you want to avoid someone who is treating you badly says nothing bad. I’d be angry if he acted like I should be ashamed or hide it. Creeper dude is why I’m not sure I’m going to the party. He asked; I replied.”

7. Advice

“Literally the only thing I could see his point with was the lube, because some people are just shy about that sort of thing.

For everything else, he’s being ridiculous and controlling. If he’s so insecure that he’s constantly on alert about what other people might hear and think of him then he needs to get his crap together or see someone about it instead of expecting you to accommodate his foolishness all the time.

Next time he does it, wait until you’re out of immediate earshot of strangers and tell him bluntly “I’m getting tired of being shushed. I’m sorry if you’re that worried about what strangers think, but I’d like to talk to my partner and I’m pretty much done with being scolded when I try. If you want to talk about why it bothers you when we get home we can, but I’m not going to walk on eggshells anymore.” “

8. Not that important

“Exactly. He really over-estimates how interested everyone is in him if he thinks completely strangers have nothing better to do or nothing more important to think about then what he and his girlfriend are talking about. Most people probably don’t even notice they’re there, never mind trying to hang on their every word, especially when the girlfriend is talking in a normal tone to a person right next to her and not exactly bellowing across the room. He needs to get over himself. He’s not that important.”

9. Like a child

“He’s treating you like a child. That’s how a parent talks to you not your BF.

Those are not inappropriate topics. Maybe he means he is not comfortable talking about them, but that would require more clear communication from him. Could be how he was raised to not talk about certain things.”

10. Don’t need drama

“Honestly I usually refrain from saying “gossip” type things when I’m out. We live in a small city but it’s very much everyone knows everyone kind of place. I get worried about someone overhearing and spreading it or telling the person we were talking about. And it’s not like my husband and I never do a bit of gossip in public, we do.

However, my husband is a loud talker and I have to remind him to turn the volume down during certain topics. At least twice now I’ve had to stop my husband from complaining about a child when their parents are near by because he is oblivious and talks a little loud. (And yes it is a problem because these kids aren’t friends with my kids but they go to the same school and I don’t need that kind of drama.)”

11. His issue

“That’s a him issue that he’s projecting onto you, and if you stay this way it might warp your way of thinking about them. You’re right that absolutely nothing you mentioned was inappropriate both in terms of context or content. I’d personally just chalk this up to incompatibility and move on, but maybe you’ve been dating for longer and feel comfortable with helping him unpack these issues with a therapist.”

12. Might be worth a talk

“My sister is like this. She frequently shushes me, gets embarrassed, thinks a topic is inappropriate, or thinks other people can hear. It’s a social anxiety thing and I love my sister but it’s really frustrating because her anxiety-by-proxy ends up feeling like she’s controlling what I do/say out of her own embarrassment of me. I’m not sure if I would be able to handle that in a romantic partner because I’m extroverted and personable and it’s just incompatible with how I live my life and makes me feel like she’s ashamed of me or thinks I’m embarrassing.

Not sure if you feel a similar way, but it might be worth talking to him about how it makes you feel when he does this!”

13. It is what it is

“You’re just incompatible. I might think you’re the more normal one out of the pair of you, but I don’t think it’s right to tell him he has to change out of this prude/modest mindset. IDK if those are even the right words to use, but it is what it is.”

14. Similar experience

“I don’t want to blow things out of perspective, but I dated a guy like this for 2.5 years and it was actually him controlling me and making me feel ashamed about random things because of his insecurity. Examples like you talked about – something a tiny bit sexual he would freak out, if I said something ‘unladylike’ or vulgar… Honestly I’d take it as a red flag, but maybe that’s because of my personal experience.”

15. Incompatible

“I’m with him on the lube. LOL I’d be so embarrassed! Do you perhaps have a louder voice? Also, it seems the examples are always around very private topics or gossip. I think this is pure incompatibility. You have the right to want to talk about these topics, he has the right not to discuss them.”

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