Category: Funny

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People Share Fascinating True Stories About Their Lives

Ready for some good tales?

Believe it or not!

Anytime you hear that phrase, you know you’re in for a good story!

Well, how would you like to enjoy a bunch of true stories that may sound fabricated but are most certainly 100% true?

Today’s your lucky day!

Here are some interesting, true stories from AskReddit users.

1. Your ancestors were interesting people.

“My great great grandfather was a Pinkerton Detective, acted on Vaudeville, and had 5 wives in 2 different states that knew nothing of each other.

He also slightly changed his last name each time and never got caught until Ancestry website happened.”

2. What?!?!?

“I survived a plane crush in the dessert, was trapped there for 2 days, and was rescued by two dudes who were trying to bet if they can cook an egg in the sand.”

3. Childhood accident.

“I lost my heel in a lawn mower accident.

I was 4 at the time and I wont say who exactly did it. But he was mowing and it was a riding mower and the hitch on the back where you can hook a little trailer, I loved to stand on that part and ride.

Well this time I saw a frog in the grass and being the 4 year old I was at the time, I jumped off the mower and onto the grass and put my hands over the frog to catch it and he didnt realize I had jumped off and he backed up.”

4. That’s just crazy.

“I can smell some illnesses and chronic symptoms.

My sense of smell is normally pretty average, but I can sometimes smell if a person is sick before they start showing symptoms, and have been able to identify/predict 2 seizures, a diabetic blood sugar drop, and multiple chronic migraines before they happened.”

5. Big winner!

“I won two TV game shows. “The $10,000 Pyramid” (won $10,300) in 1975, and “Sale of the Century” (was on the show for 9 days; won $34k in cash and prizes) in 1985.”

6. Wrong side of the river.

“I grew up “on the wrong side of the river”, was considered by all to be the town loser, and went to work as a janitor while still in high school.

In my 40s I set a goal for myself (while still working full time) to take one class at time until I either graduate or die, whichever comes first.

At age 49 I finished my Bachelors of Science Degree, at age 52 my MBA, and age 61 my Ph.D. Never let the arrogant elitists define who you are or what you can be!”

7. Out of gas.

“I ran out of gas outside of La Paz Bolivia.

Luckily it was down hill for about 6km into the city. I coasted the whole way on my motorbike, passed busses and drifted into a gas station. Never missed a beat!”

8. A family of jokers.

“My family ancestry can be traced back to a court jester who served in the court of King Jakob IV of Sweden.”

9. One big baby.

“My grandfather got an award from Mussolini in 1935.

He was just born with 6.3kg (13 lbs 14.2 oz) and was awarded the award of “Italy’s Biggest Baby”.”

10. That doesn’t sound good.

“I once fell over a chair during a massive bar fight, in the process kicking a German marine out a second story windows in the middle of downtown Queensland.”

11. Mug the muggers.

“I was mugged in Belgium, and I mugged the muggers back. Got my wallet and my friend’s purse back.

I’m a pretty quiet low key guy, so no one believed the story, and it’s so disappointing because I’m pretty sure I’ll never be that awesome again.”

12. Born in a storm.

“I was almost named Storm because I was born at 3 am in the middle of a massive tornado storm (one touched down actually a few minutes after I was born).

I was also essentially dead (docs thought they were going to lose both me and my mom) but somehow I lived.”

13. What are the chances?

“I’ve been in 3 fatal train accidents.

Never had a scratch.”

14. Rock star.

“I bought a guitar amp from Brad Whitford, of Aerosmith, when I was 17. He and Steven Tyler served up cheeseburgers for me and my friends.

So, Brad’s son was a punk and I knew him from the scene. I was in a band that had some small local marginal success. This is 97/98 in Boston. I needed a new amp for our first US tour but had very little money. I was getting drunk with his son and, on a whim, I asked him if his dad had any amps laying around that he didn’t need. We laughed and carried on partying.

The next day, I get a call at my home. It was Mr. Whitford himself. He was super nice but to the point. “My son says you got a band and need a good rig for your les Paul. I have something in mind for you. Just gotta have my guy get it from the warehouse.

Come by my house in Norwell this weekend and check it out”. That was the gist of the call. Obviously, the whole band came with me. And our roadie.

We get to his house and it’s totally him. So weird. These guys were like gods in Boston. I wasn’t the hugest fan but knew him from his work with Wayne’s World. He takes me to (one of) his garage(s) where there is this cool full stack. The brand is Bedrock. An old company from New Hampshire that made good quality amps in the 80’s. This one was custom made for Brad.

Basically Marshall components. 4 tubes. All the knobs go to 11. Not kidding. Still has the “property of Aerosmith” stickers on it. He plugs it in and rips a crazy solo on his les Paul and then hands it to me and I play a couple power chords. He asks for $300 for the whole thing. I pay him and he tells his son to give us a tour of the house.

This is where shit gets nuts. It’s just like you expect. Tons of gold records, platinum records…Pictures of him with people like John Lennon, Robert DeNiro and Joey Ramone. Then we get to see his studio and THE LARGEST COLLECTION OF MARSHALL AMPS IN THE WORLD. Seriously, like 200 cabs. A wall of guitars. Guitars so pretty and amps so cool, it made sense for him to find the one he sold me dispensable.

After the house tour, he told us to meet him at the little bar and grill they own in town. When we get there early and he arrives 30 mins later with muthafuckin Steven Tyler in tow. “You guys the punk group?!” He was so nice.

They went in the back and came out with burgers for us all on the house. Then they straight up left. Irish goodbyed, even! I still have the amp. I used it on the road for almost 10 years in five bands. Now, it’s just a conversation piece. But it still works! I’ll crank her up every now and then.”

I love hearing stories like these!

How about you?

Do you have some fascinating stories from your past that you want to share with us?

Please do so in the comments, we’d love to hear from you!

The post People Share Fascinating True Stories About Their Lives appeared first on UberFacts.

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People Share Questions You Should Ask on a First Date to Get to Know Someone

First dates are always kind of awkward.

You’re kind of uncomfortable, you don’t quite know what to say, and you want to get to know a little bit more about the person besides what they’re going to have for dinner.

Well, you’re in luck!

The truth is we can use all the help we can get going on first dates and here is some advice from people that you might find useful.

Let’s see what folks on AskReddit had to say.

1. That’s intriguing.

“What are some things your parents don’t know about you?”

2. Okay…

“Which vegetable offends you the most?”

3. You never know.

“What’s your favorite dinosaur?”

4. Always important.

“Do you have any outstanding warrants?”

5. Maybe you can try these.

“What was your first pet’s name?

What was your second grade teacher’s name?

What was the make and model of your first car?

What is the name of the road you grew up on?

What city were you born in?

Good way to get to know someone.”

6. Some good advice.

“Honestly there is no rule book questions you should really abide to. Just get to talking. Start off with small talk-openers like where did you go to school, where do you work, do you like this and that.

Eventually you’ll get around to talking about hobbies/experiences. You can tater off and then talk about your own experiences and just ping-pong off of each other. Eventually you get a pretty good feel of that person as genuine or fake.

That’s how most conversation starts sounding natural with a good flow.

Of course if you get somebody that sees you, and finds you butt ugly, then you won’t get any responses at all. And any questions you ask would lead to no information about them.”

7. Skip the work talk.

“What do you like doing in your free time?

I never asked about people’s jobs.

I didn’t really care how they got their money, I cared how they got their excitement and passion.”

8. Fighting words.

“Ask them who their favorite muppet is.

If they choose anyone other than Gonzo, explain why they are wrong and then leave.”

9. Let’s get hypothetical.

“Lots of hypothetical situation questions, I find they help you understand how they think and prioritize their lives.

Eg. If you could travel anywhere in the world for w month, all expenses paid, where would you go? What would you do?”

10. This one is crucial.

“Why don’t you put away your phone?”

11. Kind of intense…

“Your parents are about to be executed. You are given a chance to save only one of them. Which one do you choose?

Bonus points if you follow up with what’s your favorite ice cream flavor?”

12. Never heard this one before.

“I don’t know if it’s good for a date but it’s fun to ask strangers, what’s your favorite compliment?

It gives you a lot of information and i think it starts a conversation pretty easily.”

13. The good stuff.

“What’s your favourite random fact?

What’s the most spontaneous thing you’ve done?

What’s your worst cooking disaster?

What would be the hardest thing for you to live without?”

14. A big one.

“Coke or Pepsi?

Especially if you’re serving them.”

15. Let’s play a game.

“This isn’t so much questions, but a little game you can play that can help break the ice and let you know how well you mesh together.

If you’re at a place like a bar or restaurant look around the room and try to come up with backstories for other people there. It’s can be a lot of fun and takes some of the pressure off, while getting you two talking to each other and getting a feel for each other’s sense of humor/personality.”

16. Cut to the chase.

“Just get it off the table.

Kids or no kids?”

17. This would actually tell you a lot about them.

“I’m stung by a jellyfish, you peeing on me?”

18. Might scare them off.

“If I called you and told you that I killed my neighbor and I need help getting rid of the body, would you:

A. Accept with no questions asked

B. Call the police

C. Start your oven and ask how much they weighed.”

19. The day the world changed.

“Where were you on 9/11?”

20. The nitty-gritty.

“If you had an hour during which any crime was both legal and socially acceptable, what would you do?”

“Are there any social taboos that you feel are a bit ridiculous? Are there any to which you don’t personally adhere?”

“What is the most allegedly unacceptable perspective that you hold?”

21. Just in case…

“What would be your weapon of choice in the apocalypse?”

22. You gotta know that one.

“How likely are you to yell at me in public”

From comedian Sam Morril.”

23. You might bore them to death.

“What’s your favorite pPowerpoint slide transition?”

24. Let’s get weird.

“Open-ended questions that lets them talk about them a bit. Stuff like “what are your political leanings?” “Are you religious?” “What is your stance on the Armenian genocide?””

25. You don’t want to mess that up.

“If their name is an uncommon one, make sure you ask what’s the correct pronunciation.

Literally the first thing I said to my husband on our first date was “hello” followed by a butchered attempt to say his name. He replied “what did you just call me?” and up until that moment, I had never before felt the urge to jump into the nearby creek in mid-February.”

So what do you think?

Would you use any of these questions next time you’re on a first date?

Talk to us in the comments and let us know.

Please and thank you!

The post People Share Questions You Should Ask on a First Date to Get to Know Someone appeared first on UberFacts.

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Tweets That Remind Us We Have No Idea What Day It Is Right Now

The great Grouch Marx once said, “Time flies like an arrow, but fruit flies like a banana.” If you don’t get it at first go back and read it a few more times. It’s a delightfully confusing quote about time that keeps rolling through my head in an era when nobody, including me, seems to have any idea where we are chronologically, ever.

At least the people on Twitter are being funny about it. Here’s 14 examples of tweets about how we’re all sort of lost in the wibbly-wobbly-timey-wimey stuff.

14. The 8 Commandments

Yeah I think I remember these from The Bible.

13. Days’d and confused

If my phone breaks I think I’ll actually lose my soul.

12. A Planner Darkly

Failing to plan is planning to fail.

11. Thank God it’s whatever

We can start drinking even earlier! Or later? I don’t know how it works now.

10. The days are years

We need a whole new set of idioms.

9. Time is relative

It’s always now.

8. Public service announcement

Quit trying to take Rebecca Black’s job, she has this ONE THING.

7. It slows

I don’t know what “take your time” even means anymore.

6. Eternal matrimony

For as long as you both shall live.

5. Hot take

Whoa there buddy, I’m on Twitter to have a good time.

4. I hate Mondays

I wonder how Garfield feels about this latest revelation.

3. Digital fatigue

Even our robot butlers are bored.

2. Show-offs

Nobody likes a bragger.

1. Oh no…

But the other tweet said…ah, nevermind.

Maybe it’s time to invest in the sundial market. That seems about as sensible as anything else right now!

Oh, also, what day is it?

Tell us in the comments. We genuinely don’t know.

The post Tweets That Remind Us We Have No Idea What Day It Is Right Now appeared first on UberFacts.

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Funny Tweets About How Time Has No Meaning Anymore

Do you have the time? I mean, you probably do have some extra time right now. But like, do you know what time it is? Does anybody? If Twitter is any indication, the answer to that question is a firm “No.”

When your usual routine gets thrown off, it’s amazing how quickly your entire outlook goes into disarray. Lucky for us, some of the responses are really funny. Like these!

15. Dish, girl

It’s kinda like how geological time is measured in rock layers.

14. Ok, Google

This is all just a part of their plot to make us fully rely on them.

13. Underwhen

There’s a joke here about being “brief” that, to my eternal shame, I can’t seem to find.

12. Handy rhymes

Then another 90 days of fear,
For each month of the entire year

11. Time keeps on slippin’

Slippin’, slippin’, into the futuuuuure.

10. TGIW

Every day is Friday when nobody cares.

9. Homewreckers

I think maybe it’s Thruzeday?

8. It never ends

It’s a band, I think?

7. It all makes sense

Ushering in a new era.

6. Back to the future

A simpler time when time was literally simpler.

5. Nailed it

I mean, you have a clock and a calendar on your phone but ok.

4. A hard day’s night

I should be sleepin’ like a log.

3. Superimposition

It’s every day, every day.

2. Classic

Tell ’em, Peters.

1. April showers bring indifference

At least I’m the only one who has to deal with me.

Hope you enjoyed that list! But how long have you been looking at it? A couple of minutes? A week? WHAT YEAR IS IT?!

Any tips for keeping to a good schedule?

Drop ’em in the comments.

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A Woman Unexpectedly Falls in Love When Her Pet Shrimp are in Peril

We all love our pets. But most of that love is directed at the bigger, fuzzier kind of companion that will show us affection, or in the case of cats, tolerance. But have you ever formed a bond with a pet a little smaller?

When I was a kid I had hermit crabs. “Hermit” is literally in the name. These creatures live to hide in their shell, and if you do actually touch them, they will pinch you. Nothing could be further from a good pet. And yet, they’re a popular choice. And I loved mine till the day they died. RIP, embarrassingly-named-pet-crabs.

But this story is some next level unexpected pet love. A teacher who goes by @thebugchicks on Twitter shares a tale of freshwater shrimp, and near disaster. Read on.

They are strangely cute. Maybe it’s those big ol’ eyes?

I don’t know if freshwater shrimp literally have the capacity to care how big their house is, but, if they do, she’s cognizant of that need.

These two are clearly in very good hands.

Trips to the pet store are often dangerous for me, as well.

At this point in the story, I’m feeling a little bit bad that the last time I impulse bought shrimp was at a Red Lobster.

Despite what the internet may imply, it’s OK to not have strong feelings about absolutely everything.

Here’s where the story ramps up.

I can hear the tense string soundtrack in the back of my mind.

Dun dun DUUUN!

It’s never until we face the possibility of losing everything that we realize what we truly have.

Eat your heart out, Speilberg.

Just a second, adding the word “manpanion” to my lexicon forever.

Maybe this is exactly why he fell in love with you?

*munches popcorn with wide-eyes*

The DOG is the antagonist of this story? But he looks like such a good boy! I don’t know if I can deal with this new twist.

All moments of panic need a factoid or two to settle the mood.

Success!

I’m not crying about some lady’s shrimp. Nope. Not me.

Marty & Sal have no idea how good they’ve got it.

We should probably all be tracking our emotions a little more closely these days.

And that is the tale of crustacean-fascination-turned-infatuation that took the internet by moderate storm. You’re welcome.

What’s the pet you’ve bonded with the most?

Tell us about them in the comments.

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Here Are Some of the Weirdest Breakup Texts We’ve Read

Technology sure is great. It can help connect us, heal us, entertain us, and enrich us. Also you can use text messages to break up with people, which is probably exactly what Alexander Graham Bell envisioned when he started working on the whole telephone thing.

Enter @weneedtobreakup – an Instagram account dedicated to gathering hilarious relationship texts, including a bunch that, as the name implies, seem to preceded a breakup.

From the brutal to the cute to the confusing, here are some examples of exactly how you can gain an ex via SMS.

13. Pls don’t be offended

At least they’re being honest.

View this post on Instagram

this seems more like an in person convo.

A post shared by Unspirational (@weshouldbreakup) on

12. A new boyfriend

Dude. Yikes.

View this post on Instagram

and that was the last time anybody ever heard from Jake

A post shared by Unspirational (@weshouldbreakup) on

11. K bye

Are you the sentimental type or not?

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Well, this is one way to do it

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10. Poop talk or dying?

I’d cancel those dinner reservations, bro.

View this post on Instagram

Dinner sounds like the WRONG time to discuss it

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9. Pizza for 1

Eat your feelings.

View this post on Instagram

Ice. Cold.

A post shared by Unspirational (@weshouldbreakup) on

8. You’re decision

No it’s YOUR* decision and now I see why they dumped you.

View this post on Instagram

We *did* break up

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7. You can pretend though

I don’t think there’s a word for this kind of relationship.

View this post on Instagram

#fuckbuddyzone

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6. What?

I’m gonna need to see this in context, please.

View this post on Instagram

VERY LITERAL POTENTIAL BREAKUP

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5. Seriously tho

If you have to ask, you probably know.

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IS THAT WHY!?!? TELL ME!!!

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4. It’s a nice day

Maybe it’s because of your listening skills.

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MID BREAK UP!!!

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3. My birthday present

Gee, thanks?

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Breaking up via emoji is smooth

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2. April fools

It’s bad either way.

1. K bye

Shakespeare himself could not have penned a more elegant tragedy.

View this post on Instagram

SLEEP IT OFF

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Hopefully we’re all treating our breakups with a little bit more dignity than this. At the very least show them the respect of sending them the bad news over Snapchat. It’s called class.

What’s the weirdest breakup you’ve ever had?

Share the tale in the comments.

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15 Very Honest Texts about Couples

Good relationships are built on honesty. I’m not sure if that means the kind of radical, no-holds-barred honesty found in the posts collected by @weshouldbreakup on Instagram, but if so, maybe these screenshots are from the healthiest couples ever? I hope? I doubt?

Either way they’re pretty funny. Have a look at a few examples of romantic partners being oddly up front with each other in the way only a long-term relationship can really produce. Fair warning: a weirdly high number of them are about poop, for some reason.

15. Romance isn’t dead

Feelings aren’t the only thing I’m holding in.

View this post on Instagram

ROMANCE IS ALIVE

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14. Honestly erotic

Frank sex negotiations get me so hot and bothered.

View this post on Instagram

Romance is alive and well

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13. Bath bomb

I both do and do not want to know the context of this one.

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Why

A post shared by Unspirational (@weshouldbreakup) on

12. Formulaic love story

You can’t argue with math.

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Is this real science. Vote yes or no

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11. Talk dirty to me

Let’s taco bout sex, baby.

View this post on Instagram

?????

A post shared by Unspirational (@weshouldbreakup) on

10. My number 2 priority

Wait so…what exactly happened here?

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You’re my #2

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9. A matter of perspective

Through a mirror darkly.

8. Early riser

We’re off schedule.

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some people are morning people. some people are not

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7. A bright idea

I can’t tell if this is cute or scary.

6. TP-cal

Repeal and replace.

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This is grounds for divorce

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5. Peanut butter jealous time

There are some lines you just don’t cross.

4. Conflicting visions

Well that took a turn.

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this is going well

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3. A quiet place

You’re*, dammit.

View this post on Instagram

HOW ABOUT HULU AND SHUT THE FUCK UP

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2. Chicks’n’sandwich

You’ll come crawling back once Sunday rolls around.

View this post on Instagram

Chick-Fil-Bae

A post shared by Unspirational (@weshouldbreakup) on

1. Big sad energy

When you just know each other so well.

View this post on Instagram

Honesty is key

A post shared by Unspirational (@weshouldbreakup) on

It’s sort of heartwarming? I guess? In a funny way. Better to be able to honestly say weird things to each other than have to hide who you are. So, they’ve got that going for them. Which is nice.

What’s the funniest exchange you’ve had with your partner lately?

Tell us about it in the comments.

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Fascinating Tweets About Some Awful Dates

Raise your hand if you think dating is a really good time. I can’t actually see any of you, of course, but I’m going to go ahead and assume there no hands in the air right now. Dating is generally thought of a necessary evil, the sort of thing you hope turns out well but might be awful. The only upside to the awful is that it can result in a lot of great stories.

Twitter user @millercycle posed the following prompt to the internet at large:

There were hundreds of replies, and most of them were fascinating, cringy gold. Enjoy this selection of examples.

14. Moving on

Please don’t use a date as a therapy session.

13. Prison and a movie

This is the grossest show and tell I’ve ever heard of.

12. Insult to injury

This is called “negging” and it’s a pickup artist technique employed by douchebags. Never be this guy.

11. A taxing experience

I have so many followup questions for this one.

10. Extortion

Boy oh boy can money make people terrible.

9. Candid camera

Look, no kink-shaming but you need CONSENT from EVERYBODY.

8. The young and the restless

This is…concerning.

7. Literally Hitler

How is this even possible?

6. Drugs not hugs

Everybody knows you don’t do this ’till the third date.

5. B I T E

I really REALLY need to hear your worst story now.

4. Nec-romance

Weirdest. 3 way. Ever.

3. Distance

Welp. She’s a free spirit, we can give her that.

2. Stranded

As someone who recently visited Detroit, this is a fate worse than death.

1. Pickpocket

Welp. Run, I guess?

These stories are truly helping me feel better about the fact that I haven’t had a date in a while. I think I’ll just revisit them every time I need that boost. Thanks for validating my loneliness yet again, internet!

What was your worst date?

Tell us in the comments.

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True Stories About Some Very Bad Dates

You’ve had bad dates. We all have. There are more bad date stories in this world than there are people. The stories range from the truly abhorrent to the charmingly embarrassing to the downright bizarre, and we can’t seem to get enough of them.

Which is why I’d like to turn your attention to this gift of a thread kicked off by Twitter user @millercycle:

I’ve been combing through these replies for a while now and they’re incredible. Here are just a few of the highlights for your love-hate enjoyment.

13. I’m lovin’ it

To be fair, who has money in high school?

12. Breakdown breakup

Why do people just refuse to fix their cars sometimes?

11. Stuffed

That’s a swing and a miss for hoping she’ll have the same weird sensibilities as you, my dude.

10. Double date

This is literally a sitcom cliche, I refuse to believe this happened in real life.

9. Ex machina

There were soooo many stories like this in the thread.

8. Get out

I literally cannot think of a worse question to start a date with.

7. Wipeout

I…I just…what?

6. Pole position

That’s gonna be a yikes from me.

5. Making the cut

There’s a sentence in here which, I swear to you, you will not see coming.

4. Dine & dash

There’s no such thing as a free lunch.

3. Bee careful

That’s Barry B. Benson! You monster!

2. The grapes of wrath

Has this human ever humaned before?

1. The kiss

Maybe stop adopting such attractive dogs.

Welp, that was horrifying. There are so many of these stories I desperately want more information on but I’m simultaneously afraid to ask.

What was YOUR worst date story?

Tell us in the comments.

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Everybody’s Drinking on Zoom Now and We’re Totally Here for It

Can’t go to happy hour? You’ve always got the internet to keep you company while you’ve got a drink in your hand. Specifically Zoom, the video platform which has surged in popularity and found itself host to an unexpected array of makeshift online bars and parties.

It’s a phenomenon probably nobody would have predicted, but here we are. And Twitter is talking about it. A LOT.

14. Come on and Zoom

Brought to you by viewers like you.

13. Pace yourself

Or brace yourself.

12. Broadcast slumber

It’s like an accidental self-Truman Show.

11. Nothing to wine about

Hey, I can’t give you any good Riesling not to.

10. Party foul

Did you at least do it off camera?

9. Never grow up

The times they are a’changing.

8. Life as we know it

Leggo my ego.

7. The hangover

Welcome home?

6. White claws

Hey all you cool cats and kittens!

5. Drink & Ink

Gonna come out of this with some fresh tats.

4. Blanket statements

Hey, to each their own.

3. Cried and prejudice

When there’s nobody to hang out with in the afterglow.

2. Internal clocks

According to my watch, it’s tomorrow.

1. Reach for the stars

I guess this counts as trying out some new things?

Maybe this trend will become the new normal. If so, I’d like to claim a position as a virtual bartender. I won’t actually serve anybody drinks but I’ll take a rag and constantly wipe down my desk while saying things like “tell me about it” and “livin’ the dream!” I feel like that’s a service that needs to be filled, no matter the circumstance.

Have you had a drunk Zoom time?

Tell us about it in the comments.

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