Category: Funny

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15 Very Honest Texts about Couples

Good relationships are built on honesty. I’m not sure if that means the kind of radical, no-holds-barred honesty found in the posts collected by @weshouldbreakup on Instagram, but if so, maybe these screenshots are from the healthiest couples ever? I hope? I doubt?

Either way they’re pretty funny. Have a look at a few examples of romantic partners being oddly up front with each other in the way only a long-term relationship can really produce. Fair warning: a weirdly high number of them are about poop, for some reason.

15. Romance isn’t dead

Feelings aren’t the only thing I’m holding in.

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ROMANCE IS ALIVE

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14. Honestly erotic

Frank sex negotiations get me so hot and bothered.

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Romance is alive and well

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13. Bath bomb

I both do and do not want to know the context of this one.

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Why

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12. Formulaic love story

You can’t argue with math.

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Is this real science. Vote yes or no

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11. Talk dirty to me

Let’s taco bout sex, baby.

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?????

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10. My number 2 priority

Wait so…what exactly happened here?

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You’re my #2

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9. A matter of perspective

Through a mirror darkly.

8. Early riser

We’re off schedule.

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some people are morning people. some people are not

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7. A bright idea

I can’t tell if this is cute or scary.

6. TP-cal

Repeal and replace.

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This is grounds for divorce

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5. Peanut butter jealous time

There are some lines you just don’t cross.

4. Conflicting visions

Well that took a turn.

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this is going well

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3. A quiet place

You’re*, dammit.

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HOW ABOUT HULU AND SHUT THE FUCK UP

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2. Chicks’n’sandwich

You’ll come crawling back once Sunday rolls around.

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Chick-Fil-Bae

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1. Big sad energy

When you just know each other so well.

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Honesty is key

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It’s sort of heartwarming? I guess? In a funny way. Better to be able to honestly say weird things to each other than have to hide who you are. So, they’ve got that going for them. Which is nice.

What’s the funniest exchange you’ve had with your partner lately?

Tell us about it in the comments.

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Fascinating Tweets About Some Awful Dates

Raise your hand if you think dating is a really good time. I can’t actually see any of you, of course, but I’m going to go ahead and assume there no hands in the air right now. Dating is generally thought of a necessary evil, the sort of thing you hope turns out well but might be awful. The only upside to the awful is that it can result in a lot of great stories.

Twitter user @millercycle posed the following prompt to the internet at large:

There were hundreds of replies, and most of them were fascinating, cringy gold. Enjoy this selection of examples.

14. Moving on

Please don’t use a date as a therapy session.

13. Prison and a movie

This is the grossest show and tell I’ve ever heard of.

12. Insult to injury

This is called “negging” and it’s a pickup artist technique employed by douchebags. Never be this guy.

11. A taxing experience

I have so many followup questions for this one.

10. Extortion

Boy oh boy can money make people terrible.

9. Candid camera

Look, no kink-shaming but you need CONSENT from EVERYBODY.

8. The young and the restless

This is…concerning.

7. Literally Hitler

How is this even possible?

6. Drugs not hugs

Everybody knows you don’t do this ’till the third date.

5. B I T E

I really REALLY need to hear your worst story now.

4. Nec-romance

Weirdest. 3 way. Ever.

3. Distance

Welp. She’s a free spirit, we can give her that.

2. Stranded

As someone who recently visited Detroit, this is a fate worse than death.

1. Pickpocket

Welp. Run, I guess?

These stories are truly helping me feel better about the fact that I haven’t had a date in a while. I think I’ll just revisit them every time I need that boost. Thanks for validating my loneliness yet again, internet!

What was your worst date?

Tell us in the comments.

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True Stories About Some Very Bad Dates

You’ve had bad dates. We all have. There are more bad date stories in this world than there are people. The stories range from the truly abhorrent to the charmingly embarrassing to the downright bizarre, and we can’t seem to get enough of them.

Which is why I’d like to turn your attention to this gift of a thread kicked off by Twitter user @millercycle:

I’ve been combing through these replies for a while now and they’re incredible. Here are just a few of the highlights for your love-hate enjoyment.

13. I’m lovin’ it

To be fair, who has money in high school?

12. Breakdown breakup

Why do people just refuse to fix their cars sometimes?

11. Stuffed

That’s a swing and a miss for hoping she’ll have the same weird sensibilities as you, my dude.

10. Double date

This is literally a sitcom cliche, I refuse to believe this happened in real life.

9. Ex machina

There were soooo many stories like this in the thread.

8. Get out

I literally cannot think of a worse question to start a date with.

7. Wipeout

I…I just…what?

6. Pole position

That’s gonna be a yikes from me.

5. Making the cut

There’s a sentence in here which, I swear to you, you will not see coming.

4. Dine & dash

There’s no such thing as a free lunch.

3. Bee careful

That’s Barry B. Benson! You monster!

2. The grapes of wrath

Has this human ever humaned before?

1. The kiss

Maybe stop adopting such attractive dogs.

Welp, that was horrifying. There are so many of these stories I desperately want more information on but I’m simultaneously afraid to ask.

What was YOUR worst date story?

Tell us in the comments.

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Everybody’s Drinking on Zoom Now and We’re Totally Here for It

Can’t go to happy hour? You’ve always got the internet to keep you company while you’ve got a drink in your hand. Specifically Zoom, the video platform which has surged in popularity and found itself host to an unexpected array of makeshift online bars and parties.

It’s a phenomenon probably nobody would have predicted, but here we are. And Twitter is talking about it. A LOT.

14. Come on and Zoom

Brought to you by viewers like you.

13. Pace yourself

Or brace yourself.

12. Broadcast slumber

It’s like an accidental self-Truman Show.

11. Nothing to wine about

Hey, I can’t give you any good Riesling not to.

10. Party foul

Did you at least do it off camera?

9. Never grow up

The times they are a’changing.

8. Life as we know it

Leggo my ego.

7. The hangover

Welcome home?

6. White claws

Hey all you cool cats and kittens!

5. Drink & Ink

Gonna come out of this with some fresh tats.

4. Blanket statements

Hey, to each their own.

3. Cried and prejudice

When there’s nobody to hang out with in the afterglow.

2. Internal clocks

According to my watch, it’s tomorrow.

1. Reach for the stars

I guess this counts as trying out some new things?

Maybe this trend will become the new normal. If so, I’d like to claim a position as a virtual bartender. I won’t actually serve anybody drinks but I’ll take a rag and constantly wipe down my desk while saying things like “tell me about it” and “livin’ the dream!” I feel like that’s a service that needs to be filled, no matter the circumstance.

Have you had a drunk Zoom time?

Tell us about it in the comments.

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Tweets That Capture the Vibe of Our Wardrobe Choices Right Now

Even though the fashion industry is worth over a trillion dollars per year, if we all had our way, we’d probably just wear sweat pants and snuggies all the time. A lot of us have certainly learned that about ourselves, and many have taken to Twitter to express this inconvenient truth in hilarious ways.

Here are 13 examples of people who will never look at style choices the same way again.

13. All about me

Not caring what other people think is a lieeeeee.

12. Where to where?

Yanno maybe we never needed all those outfits.

11. Don’t be a scab

We’re all on strike from life, get in line.

10. Ready? FIGHT!

This is some subtle video game brilliance.

9. Lemons and lemonade

This joke has layers and it’s wonderful.

8. My big day

Why should you only get to wear it once, anyway?

7. Freedom

Burn that crap.

6. Denim deluxe

Well, look at Mr. Fancy Pants.

5. Keep it simple

And don’t even get me started on tying shoes.

4. My natural state

They mustn’t know this is the real me.

3. Changing standards

Look I don’t want to brag but I managed to clean an entire dish today.

2. Half asleep

The key to success is knowing you could totally go do stuff if you wanted to.

1. Don’t overpack

Again, the only conclusion I can come to here is that most of us just have way too many clothes.

If you happen to actually be wearing pants while reading this, I hope you enjoy your ivory towers, you elitist.

What’s your wardrobe been like lately?

Let us know in the comments.

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Funny About Everybody’s 2020 Wardrobe

Here’s a movie pitch: it’s like Toy Story except with clothes. A plucky wardrobe full of colorful characters have to team up to solve a mystery when, suddenly, nearly all of them stop being worn. I’d imagine that’s what a lot of our closets feel like, based on what people are saying on Twitter right now.

But while I’m looking for a producer who will finance this masterpiece, enjoy some tweets about what high fashion is like in 2020.

14. Lace-less

See, this is the inciting incident of the movie I was pitching.

13. Upper-crust

Oh, well, aren’t you just a fancy pants?

12. I am enough

Get out of here with that garbage.

11. RIP

Back in my day we paid good money for jeans like that.

10. Swim-where?

Weird motivational flex but OK.

9. Bye bye bags

The revolution has begun.

8. Camera angles matter

Bae caught me slippin’.

7. Winning

Don’t fly too close to the sun.

6. Beautiful lies

Come on Victoria’s Secret, who are you kidding?

5. Hat-itude

Don’t it always seem to go that you don’t know what you’ve got ’till it’s gone…

4. Don’t sweat it

Oh, look at Mr. “I have multiple pairs of sweat pants” over here.

3. Choking hazard

Butt weight, there’s more!

2. Creatures of habit

It helps me pretend things are normal.

1. At least you tried

The important thing is that you stop doing that.

So we’re all a little sloppy. Big deal. There are far worse fates. We could go back to JNCO jeans.

We don’t mean this in a creepy way, but like, what are you wearing?

Share and compare in the comments.

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Tweets From People Who Have Been Inside For Way Too Long

Are you feeling a little stir-crazy? You’re not alone. I mean…you’re not alone in spirit, anyway. Twitter is currently full to the brim of people bouncing off the walls, and the upside of all that madness is that we get to peek in and giggle along.

Enjoy these ten tweets from those toughing it out in Twitter territory.

10. We’re all on a break

Well no one told you life was gonna be this way *clap clap clap clap clap*…

9. Keep your distance

If everybody could just kinda stay away from me for the rest of my life that would be great.

8. Hibernation chub

If you’re getting ripped right now, honestly, stop it.

7. Siesta fiesta

Time doesn’t mean a hell of a lot anymore, really.

6. Financial planning

And just like that I was a bonafide adult.

5. Wilson!

I still cry every time.

4. Extroverts unite

Comin’ out of my cage and I’ve been doin’ just fine.

3. Sleep is for the week

Who’s gonna stop me? Nobody, that’s who.

2. Beer battles

Looks like we’ve got an entirely new “c word.”

1. Mom’s spaghetti

You only get one shot…to eat as much as you want with absolutely no judgement.

Life ain’t easy, but at least we’ve got the warm light of these tweets to bask in. Go forth and vent your frustration to the world; if you’re clever enough about it, people might actually enjoy it quite a bit. You could get internet famous just by being discontent!

Who’s your favorite person to follow on Twitter right now?

Tell us about it in the comments.

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Uplifting Memes That Made Us Feel a Little Bit Better

It’s tough out there right now. It’s good to take a break from all the negativity every once in a while and remind ourselves that, despite everything, the world really is quite full of uplifting stories and actions. A kind gesture, an encouraging word, a loving reminder; these all go quite a long way.

So let these 10 samples of wholesome make your heart a little lighter.

10. Joke or choke

There are little victories to be found every single day.

Source: someecards

9. Doggo attack

He’s so fluffy I’m gonna die.

Source: someecards

8. Ebony and ivory

I promise to love him forever and ever.

Source: someecards

7. Much love

You’re the best.

Source: someecards

6. Weight for it

Dude, it’s fine.

Source: someecards

5. Sergeant Pupper

Hi fren. Wat doin? I give camera a big important face.

Source: someecards

4. Type righter

“Like the ring around the sun, a crown.”

Source: someecards

3. Furball

This is a cute chunk of snow and you can’t convince me otherwise.

Source: someecards

2. There’s always tomorrow

Enjoy the present when you can, embrace the future always.

Source: someecards

11. Wheel feels

I wonder what’s going through his head?

Source: someecards

Hope you enjoyed those little bits of happiness. Take ’em with you for the rest of the day. Maybe go watch some Bob Ross. Remember there’s good in the world.

What’s something positive you’ve encountered lately?

Tell us in the comments.

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Jimmy Fallon Asked People to Share the Funniest Things They’ve Overheard While Stuck at Home

Just because most of us aren’t going out regularly and are stuck at home with the same people day in and day out, that doesn’t mean there’s not funny stuff going on.

There’s your family, your roommates, your delivery people, Zoom meetings, and a bunch of other interesting ways you can eavesdrop on people – and these 16 people have overheard some pretty funny stuff.

So, Jimmy Fallon recently asked the following question…

And boy did he get some answers…

16. This is just so wholesome.

Trust kids to even make Zoom cute.

15. Good, I’ve missed B.C.

Since it’s B.C.E. now, you know (history nerd here).

14. You have to have a certain number of signatures to get out.

And you can’t ask your family, because they definitely want to get rid of you.

13. Nobody wants that to happen.

It’s one of the only perks of this entire thing.

12. The answer to this question is obviously always yes.

It matters not how old you are.

11. I hope this is just the sort of relationship they have.

Otherwise I feel like it’s a cry for help.

10. Now there’s an idea.

I like the outside the box thinking.

9. She’s not wrong.

But she’s still gonna have a rude awakening when this is all over some day.

8. Okay fine it’s funny.

And sad and funny idk either.

7. This just makes me sad all the way around.

But I’m still keeping my dog inside for her own good, too.

6. I have no idea what this means.

You gotta keep people on their toes, I guess.

5. It’s the little things that get you going these days.

Like being able to sing this tweet, for instance.

4. We all wish we hadn’t overheard that.

There are only 50 states still, right?

3. Oh, no what a shame.

And I bet she just couldn’t get back on, either.

2. Yeah, I love my family but I could think of a few.

Idris Elba. Derek Jeter. Zac Efron. Kristen Bell…

1. All the way down.

Because I don’t think we’ve found the bottom yet.

These really just tickled my funny bone – I hope they got yours, too.

What’s the funniest thing you’ve overheard recently? Share it with us in the comments!

The post Jimmy Fallon Asked People to Share the Funniest Things They’ve Overheard While Stuck at Home appeared first on UberFacts.

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Memes That Explain What’s Going on During These Trying Times

Raise your hand if your year is going exactly how you’d planned. If any of you have your hands raised right now, I have a long and very important series of questions, such as “How?” and “What are you hiding?”

I don’t think any of us are living the dream right now. But we are living the meme, by which I mean that there are, at least, some good memes to be had from this situation.

15. Like a good neighbor

She sounds hideous.

14. Follow your dreams

Anybody with a sweet dirt bike can’t be doing that bad.

13. Face your fears

But what if my nose itches?

12. Progression

I’m doing great, why do you ask?

11. Job search

“What would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“WHAT?”

10. In the money

Wow thanks I’m set for life.

9. One leg at a time

Yeah this is gonna be an uphill battle.

8. Food therapy

The hunger knows no bounds.

7. Get with the times

Gotta keep up with current trends.

6. In hiding

It puts the Gatorade in the basket.

5. Flying low

Well well well, how the turntables have…

4. Midnight snack

Whatever, nobody’s looking.

3. Happy hours

It’s always 5:00 now.

2. I not OK

(I promise.)

1. Proceed with caution

I’ve always been more of an indoor human anyway.

Hope these made you feel a little better about your day and your situation. Hang in there, we got this!

How are you holdin’ up?

Tell us about it in the comments.

The post Memes That Explain What’s Going on During These Trying Times appeared first on UberFacts.