Here Are Some of the Weirdest Breakup Texts We’ve Read

Technology sure is great. It can help connect us, heal us, entertain us, and enrich us. Also you can use text messages to break up with people, which is probably exactly what Alexander Graham Bell envisioned when he started working on the whole telephone thing.

Enter @weneedtobreakup – an Instagram account dedicated to gathering hilarious relationship texts, including a bunch that, as the name implies, seem to preceded a breakup.

From the brutal to the cute to the confusing, here are some examples of exactly how you can gain an ex via SMS.

13. Pls don’t be offended

At least they’re being honest.

View this post on Instagram

this seems more like an in person convo.

A post shared by Unspirational (@weshouldbreakup) on

12. A new boyfriend

Dude. Yikes.

View this post on Instagram

and that was the last time anybody ever heard from Jake

A post shared by Unspirational (@weshouldbreakup) on

11. K bye

Are you the sentimental type or not?

View this post on Instagram

Well, this is one way to do it

A post shared by Unspirational (@weshouldbreakup) on

10. Poop talk or dying?

I’d cancel those dinner reservations, bro.

View this post on Instagram

Dinner sounds like the WRONG time to discuss it

A post shared by Unspirational (@weshouldbreakup) on

9. Pizza for 1

Eat your feelings.

View this post on Instagram

Ice. Cold.

A post shared by Unspirational (@weshouldbreakup) on

8. You’re decision

No it’s YOUR* decision and now I see why they dumped you.

View this post on Instagram

We *did* break up

A post shared by Unspirational (@weshouldbreakup) on

7. You can pretend though

I don’t think there’s a word for this kind of relationship.

View this post on Instagram

#fuckbuddyzone

A post shared by Unspirational (@weshouldbreakup) on

6. What?

I’m gonna need to see this in context, please.

View this post on Instagram

VERY LITERAL POTENTIAL BREAKUP

A post shared by Unspirational (@weshouldbreakup) on

5. Seriously tho

If you have to ask, you probably know.

View this post on Instagram

IS THAT WHY!?!? TELL ME!!!

A post shared by Unspirational (@weshouldbreakup) on

4. It’s a nice day

Maybe it’s because of your listening skills.

View this post on Instagram

MID BREAK UP!!!

A post shared by Unspirational (@weshouldbreakup) on

3. My birthday present

Gee, thanks?

View this post on Instagram

Breaking up via emoji is smooth

A post shared by Unspirational (@weshouldbreakup) on

2. April fools

It’s bad either way.

1. K bye

Shakespeare himself could not have penned a more elegant tragedy.

View this post on Instagram

SLEEP IT OFF

A post shared by Unspirational (@weshouldbreakup) on

Hopefully we’re all treating our breakups with a little bit more dignity than this. At the very least show them the respect of sending them the bad news over Snapchat. It’s called class.

What’s the weirdest breakup you’ve ever had?

Share the tale in the comments.

The post Here Are Some of the Weirdest Breakup Texts We’ve Read appeared first on UberFacts.

15 Very Honest Texts about Couples

Good relationships are built on honesty. I’m not sure if that means the kind of radical, no-holds-barred honesty found in the posts collected by @weshouldbreakup on Instagram, but if so, maybe these screenshots are from the healthiest couples ever? I hope? I doubt?

Either way they’re pretty funny. Have a look at a few examples of romantic partners being oddly up front with each other in the way only a long-term relationship can really produce. Fair warning: a weirdly high number of them are about poop, for some reason.

15. Romance isn’t dead

Feelings aren’t the only thing I’m holding in.

View this post on Instagram

ROMANCE IS ALIVE

A post shared by Unspirational (@weshouldbreakup) on

14. Honestly erotic

Frank sex negotiations get me so hot and bothered.

View this post on Instagram

Romance is alive and well

A post shared by Unspirational (@weshouldbreakup) on

13. Bath bomb

I both do and do not want to know the context of this one.

View this post on Instagram

Why

A post shared by Unspirational (@weshouldbreakup) on

12. Formulaic love story

You can’t argue with math.

View this post on Instagram

Is this real science. Vote yes or no

A post shared by Unspirational (@weshouldbreakup) on

11. Talk dirty to me

Let’s taco bout sex, baby.

View this post on Instagram

?????

A post shared by Unspirational (@weshouldbreakup) on

10. My number 2 priority

Wait so…what exactly happened here?

View this post on Instagram

You’re my #2

A post shared by Unspirational (@weshouldbreakup) on

9. A matter of perspective

Through a mirror darkly.

8. Early riser

We’re off schedule.

View this post on Instagram

some people are morning people. some people are not

A post shared by Unspirational (@weshouldbreakup) on

7. A bright idea

I can’t tell if this is cute or scary.

6. TP-cal

Repeal and replace.

View this post on Instagram

This is grounds for divorce

A post shared by Unspirational (@weshouldbreakup) on

5. Peanut butter jealous time

There are some lines you just don’t cross.

4. Conflicting visions

Well that took a turn.

View this post on Instagram

this is going well

A post shared by Unspirational (@weshouldbreakup) on

3. A quiet place

You’re*, dammit.

View this post on Instagram

HOW ABOUT HULU AND SHUT THE FUCK UP

A post shared by Unspirational (@weshouldbreakup) on

2. Chicks’n’sandwich

You’ll come crawling back once Sunday rolls around.

View this post on Instagram

Chick-Fil-Bae

A post shared by Unspirational (@weshouldbreakup) on

1. Big sad energy

When you just know each other so well.

View this post on Instagram

Honesty is key

A post shared by Unspirational (@weshouldbreakup) on

It’s sort of heartwarming? I guess? In a funny way. Better to be able to honestly say weird things to each other than have to hide who you are. So, they’ve got that going for them. Which is nice.

What’s the funniest exchange you’ve had with your partner lately?

Tell us about it in the comments.

The post 15 Very Honest Texts about Couples appeared first on UberFacts.

Fascinating Tweets About Some Awful Dates

Raise your hand if you think dating is a really good time. I can’t actually see any of you, of course, but I’m going to go ahead and assume there no hands in the air right now. Dating is generally thought of a necessary evil, the sort of thing you hope turns out well but might be awful. The only upside to the awful is that it can result in a lot of great stories.

Twitter user @millercycle posed the following prompt to the internet at large:

There were hundreds of replies, and most of them were fascinating, cringy gold. Enjoy this selection of examples.

14. Moving on

Please don’t use a date as a therapy session.

13. Prison and a movie

This is the grossest show and tell I’ve ever heard of.

12. Insult to injury

This is called “negging” and it’s a pickup artist technique employed by douchebags. Never be this guy.

11. A taxing experience

I have so many followup questions for this one.

10. Extortion

Boy oh boy can money make people terrible.

9. Candid camera

Look, no kink-shaming but you need CONSENT from EVERYBODY.

8. The young and the restless

This is…concerning.

7. Literally Hitler

How is this even possible?

6. Drugs not hugs

Everybody knows you don’t do this ’till the third date.

5. B I T E

I really REALLY need to hear your worst story now.

4. Nec-romance

Weirdest. 3 way. Ever.

3. Distance

Welp. She’s a free spirit, we can give her that.

2. Stranded

As someone who recently visited Detroit, this is a fate worse than death.

1. Pickpocket

Welp. Run, I guess?

These stories are truly helping me feel better about the fact that I haven’t had a date in a while. I think I’ll just revisit them every time I need that boost. Thanks for validating my loneliness yet again, internet!

What was your worst date?

Tell us in the comments.

The post Fascinating Tweets About Some Awful Dates appeared first on UberFacts.

True Stories About Some Very Bad Dates

You’ve had bad dates. We all have. There are more bad date stories in this world than there are people. The stories range from the truly abhorrent to the charmingly embarrassing to the downright bizarre, and we can’t seem to get enough of them.

Which is why I’d like to turn your attention to this gift of a thread kicked off by Twitter user @millercycle:

I’ve been combing through these replies for a while now and they’re incredible. Here are just a few of the highlights for your love-hate enjoyment.

13. I’m lovin’ it

To be fair, who has money in high school?

12. Breakdown breakup

Why do people just refuse to fix their cars sometimes?

11. Stuffed

That’s a swing and a miss for hoping she’ll have the same weird sensibilities as you, my dude.

10. Double date

This is literally a sitcom cliche, I refuse to believe this happened in real life.

9. Ex machina

There were soooo many stories like this in the thread.

8. Get out

I literally cannot think of a worse question to start a date with.

7. Wipeout

I…I just…what?

6. Pole position

That’s gonna be a yikes from me.

5. Making the cut

There’s a sentence in here which, I swear to you, you will not see coming.

4. Dine & dash

There’s no such thing as a free lunch.

3. Bee careful

That’s Barry B. Benson! You monster!

2. The grapes of wrath

Has this human ever humaned before?

1. The kiss

Maybe stop adopting such attractive dogs.

Welp, that was horrifying. There are so many of these stories I desperately want more information on but I’m simultaneously afraid to ask.

What was YOUR worst date story?

Tell us in the comments.

The post True Stories About Some Very Bad Dates appeared first on UberFacts.

A Woman on Tinder Is Using Only ‘Twilight’ Quotes and the Results Are Pretty Funny

You might have heard of a little thing called Twilight – the books, the movies, or both. It’s been in the news again, as the author, Stephenie Meyer, is planning to release a long-awaited 5th book, Midnight Sun, in August 2020.

Which is to say, millions of people all over the world love Twilight and everything connected to it – but most people don’t go so far as to quote it exclusively on their Tinder profiles.

And I mean…based on these responses, you don’t really do it if you want to pique people’s interest, either. At least, not based on these 8 examples.

8. He bugged right the heck out.

Guy has no time to suffer fools.

Image Credit: Megi Meskhi

7. This guy definitely thinks a lot of himself.

I have to wonder whether or not its warranted.

Image Credit: Megi Meskhi

6. I’m guessing she just didn’t have time that day.

I’m surprised she has time any day.

Image Credit: Megi Meskhi

5. This dude just really wants some Thai food.

And also, oddly, to know where she lives.

Image Credit: Megi Meskhi

4. But the clear winner is this guy, who quoted Twilight right back.

I mean, I don’t know if he’s a WINNER but he’s a winner.

Image Credit: Megi Meskhi

3. This guy is a pretty good sport.

She should go out with this one.

Image Credit: Megi Meskhi

2.

1. He’s willing to play along.

Also he listens to J Timberlake, so, win.

Image Credit: Megi Meskhi

I guess this is what happens when you get on Tinder but don’t really care what comes of it?

Which I mean. Is probably the best way to do Tinder, right?

What do you think? Would you do something like this on Tinder? Let us know in the comments!

The post A Woman on Tinder Is Using Only ‘Twilight’ Quotes and the Results Are Pretty Funny appeared first on UberFacts.

People Talk About the Traits That Make People Attractive… Regardless of Gender

Some features just look good on people, regardless of their gender.

Nice eyes, a full head of hair, a great set of abs, a funny personality, a caring nature.

All the good stuff!

AskReddit users shared their thoughts about what features they think are hot on a person, and they’re talking about ANY person.

1. This is very true.

“Personality.

A charming person is charming no matter what. Certain kinds of personalities are fucking hot.”

2. You need to smell good.

“A good smell is so attractive.

And it’s so personal as well. Even an otherwise really attractive person is not attractive to me anymore if they don’t smell right.”

3. This is crucial.

“Definitely humor.

When you have the same sense of humor as someone else and you can just feel the click, that’s an amazing feelings.”

4. A good hugger is hard to find.

“Hugs, but like the kind that are just really warm and genuine…the kind that breathe life into somebody.”

5. Nice and simple.

“ROLLED. UP. SLEEVES.

Hot on anyone and everyone, in my opinion.”

6. This is important.

“Passion.

When someone speaks about something they’re really passionate about I can sit down and talk with them for hours. Just to hear them speak about it.”

7. Be kind.

“Genuine kindness.

Anyone who is kind from the bottom of their heart is undeniably attractive.”

8. Don’t be boring.

“Opinions, thoughts about things, curiosity.

Really dull people are a total waste of time.”

9. It’s a rush.

“A good singing voice.

A lot of singers are okay but there are a few that certain parts of their songs will give me that same rush like someone kissing my neck.”

10. Good qualities.

“Quick wit.

Being nice.

Authentic.”

11. All animals need love.

“Liking most animals in general instead of them saying “iM a DoG pERsoN CauSE cATs DoNt LoVe YOu” or “Im A CaT pERsoN CaUSe DoGs ARe DiRtY””

12. Please be weird.

“Definitely authenticity. I don’t want an Instagram clone!

Tell me about your niche hobbies and interests! Be the weirdo you are on the inside!”

13. Getting knocked down.

“Good attitude/sense of humor.

You could be a ten, but if you have a shit attitude you’re knocked down to a 3 REAL quick.”

14. This is key.

“Confidence.

Being sure of yourself goes a long way. It comes across in how someone walks, talks, wears clothes. Even someone who is not traditionally attractive can become so through confidence.”

15. Treat them well.

“I pay attention to how people in particular, treat their service staff.

Saying “please” and “thank you” to your waiter is definitely nice to see in a person.”

16. Work hard!

“If we’re talking about strictly relationships and not just random hookups then, work ethic.

Relationships require teamwork and I’ll be damned if I’m the only one bringing home the bacon.

Hard work and motivation is hot.”

17. Now that is hot.

“Emotional intelligence and communication skills.

If you can tell me what you’re feeling during a disagreement without being hurtful, and can also tell me what you’re feeling and what feels good………that’s hot.”

People are speaking the truth in those comments, no doubt about it.

What about you?

What do you think are attractive features on someone, regardless of gender?

Talk to us in the comments!

The post People Talk About the Traits That Make People Attractive… Regardless of Gender appeared first on UberFacts.

Wine Floats Are Here and They’re a Great Idea for Girls Night

We’re all eager to thaw out – but the warm weather’s not quite here yet. How can we cool down and warm up simultaneously? Boozy ice cream floats? Boozy ice cream floats.

There are over 700 images under #winefloat on Instagram right now, and every one of them is making me jealous.  The idea is simple; combine wine and ice cream, maybe throw some fruit in for good measure. But the combination possibilities are endless.

Check out these delicious examples:

10. Lookin’ peachy

9. Apparently there’s a National Ice Cream Day?

8. Both look amazing

7. This one scares my wallet, though

6. I need this, please

5. These would be great for a date night at home

4. Is it summer yet?

3. Keepin’ it simple

2. A little goes a long way

1. Looks like I’m going wherever this company lives

What flavors do you think would be the perfect grown-up float? I’m thinking Pinto Grigio and vanilla… because I want to get white girl wasted. ?

You let us know your preferred combo in the comments! Thanks fam!

The post Wine Floats Are Here and They’re a Great Idea for Girls Night appeared first on UberFacts.

People Who Left in the Middle of a Date Share What Happened

Have you ever been on a date that was so bad that you just got up and left in the middle of it? Or maybe you were on the receiving end of such a situation?

Either way, it’s awkward and uncomfortable for everyone involved.

AskReddit users shared their stories where this took place.

1. Do you have the plague?

“I told her I was color blind, she recoiled and said it was “gross” and sat there looking at me like I had the plague or something.

I just sort of got up and left.

It was really odd.”

2. A little too pushy.

“She started talking about ‘our wedding’ and ‘our future kids’ on our first date. She wasn’t joking around, and when I told her that it was way too sudden to be talking about that, she looked at me quizically and said “Don’t you want to get married?”

First online date I’d ever gone on. Plenty of awkward ones after that (including the girl who got drunk then admitted she had an infant son and lived with her ex-husband), but that one took the cake.”

3. That’s very awkward.

“He brought another girl with him.

We had agreed to go for dinner, then see a movie together, not with anyone else, as a date. We had definitely agreed it was, in fact, a date. I would’ve understood if we hadn’t made it clear if it was a date, but we both knew it was.

Anyways, he shows up with another girl. He pretty much ignores me the entire time, the bitch is sneering at me when he isn’t looking. Why agree to a date when you’re going to bring another girl? He didn’t even tell me he was going to bring someone. He just did.

When we get to the movies, we take our seats, and I said ‘I’m going to the washroom’ and grabbed my stuff and left.”

4. By the way…

“Guy from OkCupid a few years back.

Takes me to a 5 star restaurant, I try to stick to the middle of the road drinks/food as it’s a first date. Dinner went really well so we decide to go for post-dinner drinks. I get to the point where I feel I should stop drinking since it’s a first date and I wasn’t really ready for him to see me trashed. He orders me another drink and then invites me over to his house because his wife is out of town.

Date over.”

5. What are your intentions?

“We met online.

She brought her sister on our first date. She never spoke and all her sister did was drill me about “my plans” and “my intentions.” After ordering she said “I hope you’re planning on paying. That’s what a real man would do on a first date.”

So I said “true but this wasn’t a date, it was a job interview” I dropped my half in cash and walked out. Btw I drove us there.

Never heard from them again.”

6. I’m very important.

“Blind date, Indian restaurant. First thing he does is produce a folder of photos of him and various celebrities. Shows me them, one by one. He keeps…clutching at me.

After about 15 minutes of this, I say “this isn’t really – I don’t think we’re compatible. I think I should go” and get up to leave. He stood up too, and shouted at me as I left. No, I did not look back.

This happened in the mid-1980s, so unless the guy you’re thinking of is now in his 70s, it’s not him.

Yes, a real manila folder, with 8×10 glossies, in a real manila enevelope. Mid 1980s. No Photoshop, no iphone.

The two celebs I remember seeing are Jimmy Carter and the Dalai Lama. Remember, this was 30 years ago.

No, I don’t remember what he was shouting. I was focused on GTFO of there, and as I said, 30 years ago.

No, I don’t remember which Indian restaurant, but it was in Cambridge MA. Yellow walls.

Yes, he was a Harvard man. No, he was not blind. A “blind date” is when somebody fixes you up with somebody you don’t know, or when you go out with somebody you’ve met via a dating service or ad. (No photos back then; just descriptions.)

Also, I am so glad this entertained you all. My operating principle re: nightmare experiences is “This is God’s way of giving us drinking stories.” You’ve proved me right.”

7. The baby was sober…

“Met girl online.

She shows up for our first date drunk, with her drunk friend… and one month old son that she had forgot to mention (baby was sober I think).

I excused myself to the restroom and ran like my ass was on fire.”

8. Sounds like a keeper.

“He was 45 minutes late, got mad that another guy had started chatting me up at the bar while I waited.

Then proceeded to tell me about the hidden satanic messages in the opening ceremony of the Olympics.”

9. Creeper City.

“I was in my late teens and went on a date with a friend of a friend. He seemed nice, and I got the OK from my bff, so I anticipated a pleasant, quiet evening – we were just going for frozen yogurt and TV at his house, after all. Well everything’s going smooth and he seems really sweet. He tells me he likes to write poetry and my teenage girl brain is thinking, “Wow! A sensitive guy! How refreshing.” Then he tells me that he wants to show me something. I assumed it was a poem he wrote because we had just talked about it.

ME: “Ok! What is it?”
HIM: “Well, it’s not ready yet, but it will be in a couple minutes.” As he leans over on his side, away from me. ME: Confused, because I’m expecting a poem… is he going to write a poem in a couple minutes? This is going to be awkward.

Then he starts making all these innuendos about what it is. I get annoyed because he sounds like he’s describing his penis, and the joke is dying fast. Finally, just to shut him up, I say, “If it’s your DICK then NO I DON’T want to see it!”

HIM: “Oh… okay then.” And he sits back normally on the couch. I’m super confused and think he’s pulling my leg. I ask if he’s kidding and says no. He seriously wanted to whip out his junk and show me.
ME: “What the hell am I supposed to say to you while your dick is out?!”
HIM: “Well, my last girlfriend told me she’d been waiting to see it all night.” ME: Stunned silence. Then, “Ohh…kay…”

Being the awkward teen I was, I sat back into the couch, not touching him (we had been cuddling up until that conversation) and uncomfortably waited out the remainder of whatever show was on TV – and then bolted.

After I got home, I called my BFF and frantically told her what had happened. Her response? “Ohhh, yeah, I forgot to tell you. He likes to do that.””

10. I’m a professional.

“OKcupid date – emailed back and forth, had some common interests, seemed like we would get along. We met up and got food, a couple drinks, seemed to be getting along well. Then he starts talking about how good he is at Karaoke.

He’s been in contests and won first place, he and his friends go all the time, etc. I tell him I’ve only done karaoke a few times, when very drunk and with a big group of friends. I also mention that I’m pretty sure I’m tone deaf. He tells me there is a Karaoke place only one block away!!!

I tell him I’m not interested. He tells me you get your own little booth. No one else will even hear you. You can pick whatever songs you want!!! No waiting while other people sing!!! It’s clear he’s not giving up, so I grab two shots of vodka and say fine, I’ll try it. We go to the karaoke lounge and get our booth and he does three or four songs perfectly. I start my first song and he starts criticizing me, and pointing out what i’m doing wrong WHILE I’m trying to sing.

Then he picks up the other mic and starts singing over me. I say fuck this and just get up to leave. He chases after me and tells me -” I need you to pay for half of this”. It’s $60. I look in my wallet, take out the only cash I had and said “here’s $20, and you can go fuck yourself”. Then he follows me to the bus stop and tried to make idle chit chat while I wait to get the fuck away from him.”

11. Show and tell.

“Had joined a new sports club and there was one guy who was quiet and kind of just hung around the periphery of the group. I felt kind of bad for him so was always trying to bring him into conversations and talk to him. One night we all went out for drinks after the game and I talked to him for awhile.

Conversation was hard work but he seemed like a nice guy. He texted and asked me if I wanted to go out for coffee. I wasn’t really interested but knew given how quiet he was that it probably took a ton of nerve to text me that and I thought maybe in a 1:1 environment he would be more comfortable and I could get to know him a little more.

We met at the coffee shop and he had a big backpack with him. We ordered drinks then chatted, with me again doing most of the talking – he rarely initiated but would answer questions. About 1/2 hour in he said he had a few things to show me to let me get to know him better. He then did a show and tell from his backpack pulling out various items and pictures and telling me about them.

Some were kind of interesting (a family trip) and some I had no idea how to respond to (here is a picture of how I had my hair cut in grade 8). He had stuffed animals and lots of items from his childhood. I kept trying to bring the conversation to the present to find out if the item linked to a current interest or hobby but he kind of had the story about each item rehearsed and he would go right back to the show and tell.

Eventually the table was full of stuff and I tried to politely say that I had seen enough and change the topic. He told me had still had more to show me. I ended up saying I felt sick and left. I felt kind of bad but it was just getting too weird.”

12. Blame it on the pot pie.

“I left in the middle of a movie once. The date was going great but I forgot that I had left a pot pie in the oven in my apartment (only broke college guys and old people eat pot pies). I remembered a few minutes in and whispered something along the lines of “gotta get my pot pie out of the oven so I don’t burn down my apartment I’ll be right back.”

I did return but she was pissed. Thought we could go see the pot pie and have a laugh. Arrived at my previously empty apartment to find my brother and the neighbor girls drunk and naked in my living room. Showed her the pot pie and she said something along the lines of “you’re an asshole take me home”.”

13. Two-timing.

“I’ve had a girl walk out on me, took me weeks to realise why.

This was date 3. We’d met initially at a nightclub randomly, kinda just said hi and our groups merged (the boys and her girls), met up a week later at a carnival and ha a great time.

This day in particular, we met up for a basic lunch at a nice little spot near my place and just had nothing to talk about (which was odd, she seemed semi vacant). Lunch goes by with small talk, we pay separately and she asks to come back to my place – no problems there, she’s an attractive girl and I have a penis. Anyhow, we get back to my place, she throws on a dvd while I snack up the coffee table and we start talking about pet peeves with the opposite sex.

Usual things come up first, like toilet seat positioning and ‘get ready time’ for outings. Somehow it leads on to a story about this girl I knew who was ‘dating’ me whilst having an actual boyfriend on the side, and how disrespectful it was in the end. She just goes pale white, grabs her stuff and makes some excuse about forgetting something at home.

I thought I’d maybe sounded a bit cocky or come across like a douchebag, kinda felt like an ass for a day or so and moved on. My housemate ran into her and her boyfriend shopping a week later. That was awkward.”

14. Well, that’s a little forward.

“Went to get coffee to test the waters with someone new.

First thing he did was ask me to turn around and lift my shirt so he can see my ass.

I got up, turned around and walked out the door.”

I can honestly say that I’ve never walked out of a date…even though I wanted to sometimes…

Has this ever happened to you? Or maybe you were the one who walked out?

Tell us about your bad date experiences in the comments!

The post People Who Left in the Middle of a Date Share What Happened appeared first on UberFacts.

People Share How They’d Ruin a First Date Immediately

I’m not sure who would purposely ruin a first date, but there are a ton of weirdos out there, so anything goes these days, it seems.

The question posed on AskReddit was: “You got ten seconds to ruin a first date. How?”

And AskReddit users let us into their twisted little worlds…enjoy!

1. Let’s speed this up.

“Tell them to make this quick you have another one in an hour.”

2. That was Johnny.

“Answer a fake phone call with “Hey babe. Yeah I’m at the bar with Johnny. See you later. Love you!’”

3. Mommy says so.

“Mom says I have to go on at least one date a month or else she’ll cut me off.

So let’s get this over with.”

4. Put a scare into them.

“Oh, I’m so glad you agreed to meet. My kids need a new Daddy.

Since I’ve been cleared of that *air quotes* accident my late husband had, it’s time to get back out there.

*takes phone call, whispering* No, no, he’s here. Yeah. No, he’s not a drinker so the liver should be fine.”

5. Some light conversation.

“What’s your stance on abortion?

Because you should know my stance on condoms.”

6. That should do it.

“Her: “Hi! Thank you for coming to pick me up!”

Me: “I don’t think I could have waited another second.” and then rip the juiciest, rankest fart possible just after she’s gotten in the car and make sure to lock the windows so she can’t get fresh air. Follow with “You’re WELCOME.” “

7. Dig for gold.

“Don’t say a word, lock eyes, and just go knuckle deep in my nose and dig around for a good long while.”

8. You might get punched.

“I have another girl waiting so if we’re not gonna fuck after this I need to go.”

9. Forgot about that.

“Whoops left this on.

Slip off wedding band.”

10. This will get you in trouble.

“Laugh very loudly and obnoxiously and then exclaim, “I haven’t laughed this hard since 9/11″

Works every time.”

11. This is a great opportunity.

“Admit you aren’t attracted to them and only invited them out to hear about your great MLM business opportunity.”

12. How rude!

“I much rather be doing something else right now, but I guess this will do.”

13. Too much, too soon.

“I think I’m falling in love with you.”

14. If they agree, it all works out.

“I’d say “So now that I’m here we can discuss prices.

For me being at this dinner it’s $250. If you want to have sex later it will be an extra $500.”

15. Creeper vibes.

“Aww. Look at this puppy!

It’s so sexy, makes me really horny.”

16. Oh, Mother! She always knows best!

“Just reply with laughing for 5 seconds minimum followed by “Mother always says that!””

17. Put them to sleep.

“Explain the intricate details as to why RBMK Reactor number 4 failed causing Europe’s biggest nuclear accident.”

18. First things first.

“Ask to see their feet before even greeting them.”

19. I think that would probably work.

“Scratch my scalp furiously and say, “Ugh, I hate having fleas!””

20. Meet the family!

“We can’t order until my wife and kids get here to see if they like you.”

21. He’ll be gone in no time.

“I’m gonna walk in, in a wedding dress with a priest, ask him to marry me.”

Those all sound pretty good to me! Cheers to ruining a first date!

What do you think? Have you ever sabotaged a date on purpose? Or maybe you blew it on accident and regretted it?

Share your dating disaster stories with us in the comments!

The post People Share How They’d Ruin a First Date Immediately appeared first on UberFacts.

Painful and Pretty Funny Tweets About Getting Ghosted

Ghosting seems to be a recent phenomenon in the dating world…or maybe we just came up with a word for something that’s always been around.

Whatever the case, getting ghosted is a major bummer and most of us have had it happen at least once in our lives.

Here are some funny and very accurate tweets about getting ghosted…good luck out there.

1. You should make it happen!

2. Honey…you’ve been ghosted.

3. Sounds kinda classy.

4. They need to get on this.

5. Sad, but true.

6. We’re in love.

7. It was fun while it lasted.

8. That’s a lot!

9. Not again…

10. A preemptive strike.

11. One way of looking at it.

12. It’s all the same.

13. I would be down with this.

14. Gone in an instant.

15. Doesn’t work that way…

Ouch…those sting a little bit, huh? Isn’t dating a blast?!?! Yeah…maybe not so much…

Have you been ghosted before? Or maybe you were the person who actually did the ghosting?

Either way, tell us what happened in the comments!

The post Painful and Pretty Funny Tweets About Getting Ghosted appeared first on UberFacts.