We’ve all encountered a bully or a person who likes to throw insults around for no good reason.
But only some of us feel gifted in the ability to throw shade back at the person.
When we think of a snappy reply or come across someone else’s, the burn almost feels like something worth celebrating.
Redditor random-joe-shmoe asked:
“What is the greatest comeback to an insult you have ever heard?”
There were, of course, endowment jokes.
“On a construction site one afternoon, different trades were working in the same area. Like silly team sports, the sparkies always hang with the sparkies and the turd wranglers always hang with the turd wranglers and anytime they’re together it turns into a pointless dick-measuring contest (usually not literally)!”
“One particularly childish exchange saw two men chopping back and forth- my dick biggest, blah blah blah. Finally one of em spits out this classic:”
“‘I’ve got girth like a can of corn!’”
“And the clap back was unforgettable:”
“‘But you’ve got length like a can of tuna!’”
“Everyone busted up. Mister girth tried to hide his embarrassment but was tied-up. No come-back. And a room of men laughing uncontrollably.”
“Good times…” – heathenbeast
“My grandma got into a fight at the grocery store with a guy who told my 9-year-old brother to ‘move the f**k out of the way.’”
“They were going at it and his final words were, ‘Suck my d**k, b***h!’”
“She said across the store, ‘If I could find it, b***h!’”
“Not at Walmart. Even better – ALDI.” – grimmreaper514
Others made comebacks about their bodies.
“In middle school, a boy asked when I was going to grow some boobs. So I asked him when he was donating his……”
“I’m still really proud of that one.”
“Edit: I didn’t expect this to blow up. But I remember this clearly:”
“He was walking out of the English class I was walking into. We met at the doorway and were chest to chest.”
“And he looks me in the eye and said, ‘Grow some tits.’”
“Without missing a beat, I deadpanned, ‘Donate yours.’”
“Then I proceeded to proudly walk to my desk with a big smile.”
“Also, I did eventually grow some boobs. They are small but they are nice.” – Jaci_D
Some kids made some great jokes.
“Had a friend growing up who had an adopted brother a year or so younger. They would always talk s**t and fight a bit here and there.”
“One time my friend said to his brother that he was adopted and can go f**k off (he knew he was adopted).”
“Without missing a beat, he shot back at my friend, ‘Yeah well, clearly you weren’t enough for mom and dad. That’s why they bought me.’”
“Yes, he used the word ‘bought.’” – Atlv0486
“I have a bunch but one of the more memorable ones was back in 8th grade. For context, I didn’t make the basketball team in 7th grade, but I made the team in 8th grade.”
“This kid that was on the team the previous year but didn’t make it currently was really upset and telling me how bad I am and blah blah blah.”
“I told him that if he is better than me, then why didn’t he make the team, and he replied with, ‘It’s just cause of my grades, bro.’”
“So I replied with, ‘Oh so you’re just f**king stupid then?’”
“He gave up cause it was either accept that he was bad or accept he was an idiot, so…” – wuesteworld
“My sister started saying ‘go to h**l’ as a moody, often rude, teenager. She is a couple of years older than me.”
“One day she said it to me after she’d been chastised by our dad – for something she had done.”
“I usually shrugged off her insults because they were meaningless. This day, however, I retorted, ‘Why would I go anywhere you are?’”
“I’m still pleased with my 13-year-old brain for that one. I do remember her slamming her bedroom door as her comeback.” – shining_tiger
“Your mom” jokes never seem to go out of style.
“I was bulls**tting with a couple of buddies, and may have suggested that I banged one of their moms, to which said friend replied, ‘My mom’s dead.’”
“My mouth bypassed my brain and replied, ‘That explains the dirt.’” – CGPsaint
“English class in Middle School:”
“Kid A – ‘yo, Kid B, your mama waited on me at McDonald’s last night. Must feel like s**t having a mom that works at McDonald’s.’”
“Kid B – ‘At least MY mom gets out of bed to go to work.’”
“English teacher far louder than he realized, ‘DAYUM!’”
“The rest of us were laughing so hard, the teacher next door popped her head in to see what was going on…” – Nutella_Zamboni
Some said jokes and comebacks were all in the timing.
“I saw a clip of a standup comedian the other day, and he said something along the lines of, ‘The first time I had sex, it was terrible… the first time I had sex…’”
“A woman chimed in with, ‘You mean yesterday?’”
“The crowd laughed for a while, and while the comedian is waiting for them to calm down, you can see the gears turning in his head.”
“Once it gets down to basically a few chuckles, he just said, ‘Glad you remember,’ and the crowd just lost their s**t, it was amazing.” – JacenCaedus1
“I have a twin brother. I’m older.”
“He once told me when I came out, they knew it was a mistake and immediately tried again.”
“I told him he was the ‘Buy one, Get one of equal or lesser value free’ deal.”
“There was a fight after that one.” – dustyrags
While we’re not all great at giving someone a comeback in the moment, we can all appreciate those moments when we surprise ourselves, or when someone else achieves the perfect clapback.
These comments are often witty or brutal, perhaps even surprising, but the best thing generally is how memorable these moments are, even decades later.