Here’s a List of Leaves You Can Use as a Toilet Paper Substitute

A good portion of the human race is, for some reason, responding to a health crisis by buying a sh*t ton of toilet paper.

Just for the record COVID-19 does not, in the vast majority of cases, cause intestinal distress.

The women behind me at the Aldi check out #toiletpaper #coronavirusaustralia pic.twitter.com/XnenmvnQaR

— Sonia G (@SoniaCrestpac) March 3, 2020

That said, the panic-buying of toilet paper all over the world is actually causing people to have to wonder how they’re going to clean their nethers in the coming weeks.

Except for people in places like France and Asia, who have smartly invested in the bidet for some time now, of course.

Someone in Sydney checked their toilet paper in as luggage for the flight… pic.twitter.com/Wt28p7owTC

— Champ (@ChampChong) March 5, 2020

As usual, the internet has your back.

This time, in the form of a handy graphic that shows you what native plant life you could safely use in place of the missing toilet paper.

The information comes from the Hills Herbal Collective, a group of plant experts out of Victoria, Australia, where things are apparently getting real. It specifically notes that mullein, lamb’s ear, and mallow are excellent replacement choices if things get dire in your neck of the woods.

#1. Mullein (Verbascum thapsis).

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☆MULLEIN LEAF☆ . This is a biannual beauty for the respiratory system. . Mullein is a relaxing and moistening remedy. As an expectorant it stimulates fluid production and an effective cough to eliminate mucus. Yet it relaxes tension in the chest & calms inflammation. . For that deep persistent cough I think of this remedy to soften and relax the chest, clear congestion and sooth inflammation. . Harvest the soft green leaves in spring mid-summer while still green. Use a tight strainer for tea to remove the tiny hairs from the leaf or a tincture.

A post shared by Wild Earth Medicinals (@wildearthmedicinals) on Mar 12, 2020 at 11:48am PDT

These plants have large, thick, fluffy leaves that are absorbent and unlikely to tear, grows everywhere, and is not irritating to most people. Some do complain about irritation from the fine hairs, so you might want to test it on a less-sensitive area before going for it.

#2. Lamb’s ear (Stachy’s byzantina).

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Ok Mr. Lamb’s Ear, though I am somewhat vexed by how much you spread across the ground and die out smack in the middle, I am also enchanted by your wonderful color and texture, that you never need watered, AND with the fact that my 5 year old pauses to pet you every time he passes by. I suppose you get to stay. As an aside, many exciting things are coming for the new garden near the fences you see in the background…

A post shared by Garden Design (@favornative) on Oct 4, 2019 at 5:18am PDT

It’s less heavy-duty but is delightfully soft and furry, great for sensitive skins. The leaves are narrow, though, so one isn’t going to do the trick.

#3. Mallow (Malva neglecta).

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Leaf of Hardy Hibiscus Swamp Mallow, Rose Mallow Once these bloom there is no mistaking them for anything else These plants host 28 different butterfly and moth caterpillars and bring the clearwing hummingbird moths to the garden . . . . . #hardyhibiscus #rosemallow #swampmallow #mallowleaf #hibiscusleaf #leaf #tattooedgardener #hibiscusplant #hardymallow #garden #beautyinnature #nature #howmygardengrows #notwhatyouthink #lookslikesomethingelse #wildlifehabitat #nativeplant #hostplant #butterflyhost #butterflyhabitat #butterflygarden #notweed #nofilter

A post shared by Winter (@mwwwinter) on Jul 17, 2018 at 1:04pm PDT

These soft, broad, durable leaves are common, though the larger ones can get a bit leathery and rough. If you give the leaves a bit of a scrunch before using them, they’ll even provide a bit of a skin-soothing effect!

They also note that you should “steer clear of poisonous plants or you may end up with a nasty rash on your posterior. If you’re not 100% sure what a particular plant is, don’t put it anywhere near your sensitive bits. If you’d like to learn how to ID these plants and other medicinal and edible weeds, come along to one of our weed walks.”

Good advice for sure.

And while I hope that none of us will have to resort to these leaves because our dear neighbors decided to hoard a year’s worth of toilet paper in their basement, it’s good information to have.

You never know when you’ll be out for a solitary hike and have the urge hit you, right?

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