Parents have some of the best Twitter accounts – at least, that’s what I think now that I’m a parent. We just love to congregate and tell war stories and reassure one another that yes, it’s definitely a phase (because it’s always a phase!).
If that sounds like something you need in your life, then please enjoy these 14 lovely tweets!
14. This is the best joke I’ve read in awhile.
And what an excuse for class!
My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) September 1, 2020
13. Kids are gonna be kids.
Get some tweezers, teachers.
Day 4 of home schooling – My kids are bullying the teacher by body shaming him, just because he has bushy eyebrows
— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) August 31, 2020
12. Probably more than once.
And if you’ve got two kids (or more), my heart is with you.
Every time a parent’s sleep is near, a thirsty child must first appear
— Maryfairyboberry
(@maryfairybobrry) August 30, 2020
11. I’m not sure he knows what that means.
Bless his heart.
Me: (on toilet) Sweety, mommy needs privacy when she pees
3: ok (closes door and stands next to me with the dog)
Me:
3: we private now
— Kids_kubed
(@Kids_kubed) August 27, 2020
10. It’s a beautiful name.
If only it had worked out.
First born: What was I almost named?
Dad: You were going to be Valerie
Middle child: What about me?
D: Victor
Last born: What was I supposed to be?
Mom: Vasectomy— Melanie Gibson (@ImMelanieGibson) September 1, 2020
9. That’s the perk of being the teacher.
I hear you get gifts on holidays.
I just gave the kids extra credit for helping carry my wine from the car to the house. Shutup, I'm the teacher now and it's fine. Everything's fine.
— Divergent Mama (@divergentmama) August 31, 2020
8. “Oh.”
Run if they begin a sentence this way.
[9 PM, night before 1st day back to school]
Child: Oh. I need to bring in 36 cupcakes tomorrow.
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) August 31, 2020
7. Honesty is the best policy.
Also they don’t need a reason.
[kids screaming at each other]
Me: What are you fighting about?
10-year-old: We haven't decided yet.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 30, 2020
6. Kind of makes you want to cry, doesn’t it?
You’re welcome.
I reread the email from March that school would close for two weeks while we got Covid under control just to feel something.
— Real Life Mommy (@reallifemommy3) August 31, 2020
5. Wasn’t that the goal?
Maybe not in so many words.
*opens door to find my 5YO sprayed an entire bottle of my $80 perfume, painted a dresser in $20 lip gloss, & used my $60 eyeshadow palette on her dolls*
Me: {inaudible SCREAMS}
9: well, this is just GREAT! You BROKE MOM!!!
— MomTransparenting (@momtransparent1) September 2, 2020
4. After having two kids, I think this is scientifically accurate.
Fight me.
Fact: kids have 2 stomachs. One is the meal stomach. It's about the size of a pea. This is why children cannot consume a full breakfast, lunch, dinner.
The second stomach is the snack stomach. This stomach stretches and has infinite amount of space.
— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) August 28, 2020
3. “Walking the dog” is the greatest excuse to escape ever.
May I also recommend listening to audiobooks or a podcast while you do?
If you see me on the corner with a bottle of wine and my dogs, mind your business. It's just mommy recess time.
— Divergent Mama (@divergentmama) September 1, 2020
2. It’s the patience part that’s the hardest.
It will be the test of your life.
I think I missed the chapter in the parenting books where it said that I would one day have to patiently wait for a stuffed monkey to take a pretend pee while I was running late.
— Goldfish and Chicken Nuggets (@gfishandnuggets) August 27, 2020
1. It really is.
But I mean, it’s all exhausting, so.
It's exhausting being the only person in this family who knows how to properly open a bag of chips or box of cereal.
–All moms— Scary Mommy (@ScaryMommy) September 1, 2020
I want to virtually high-five all of these folks!
What’s your favorite parenting account to follow on Twitter? Share with us in the comments!
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