I have a good friend who’s a nurse and he told me that people come in wayyyyyyy more than you’d think with things stuck in their butts that need to be removed.

Ouch!

And the excuses? They usually sound like total bullshit, as you can probably imagine.

So let’s see exactly what’s going on out there.

AskReddit users shared their painful stories.

1. Let’s try something new.

“Had a guy with a screwdriver up there (handle first).

He was honest. Said the wife wanted to try something new.

Why the screwdriver? Something shaped like a dick would have been gay.

I always thought that was a real weird place to draw that line.”

2. Walking awkwardly.

“Guy comes in, walking kinda awkwardly.

Doesn’t take a seat.

When it’s his turn, he’s called up to triage and again, refuses to sit.

“What brings you in today?” I said.

“I.. uh…. I’ve lost a glass. You know, like a tumbler.”

/Shuffles

“Ok. So, why are you here?”

“Well, we had a party that got out of hand last night. I was cleaning the house this morning and I noticed one of my drinks glasses was missing. And I think it might be up my ass.”

That’s it as far as explanation, but sure enough, there it was on x-ray. Rim-side first, so after it disappeared up his asshole, it basically filled itself with shit.

Now, any time people that know the story ask if I’ve seen something they’ve lost, I ask if they’ve checked their asshole.

3. This is what happened.

“Guy came to my hospital with a cue ball stuck in his rectum. Said him and his wife were having sex and this happened. Made no excuses and showed no shame.

ER doc was unable to remove it with forceps and he had to get anesthesia to have a minor surgical procedure to get it out. My job was basically to just go through a pre surgical check list and send him on his way. When I’m done he shouts excitedly ‘Alright, let’s get this ball rolling!’

I almost died laughing. It was near the end of my shift and I always wonder what happened to him. I’m sure he did fine and is back to having amazing kinky sex with his wife.”

4. Ouch!

“Guy told me he was constipated so he stuck the broom handle up there to break up the poop. I almost believed him.

It was half of a broom handle, cut off and wrapped in electrical tape.

All the way inside…”

5. Fun with Barbie!

“My brother was a triage nurse and examined someone that came in with a barbie doll up their arse….

Don’t know if they were male or female though.”

6. That sounds…terrible.

“My sister is a surgical nurse and a guy came into to the hospital with a pool noodle shoved up his ass. It was so deep that they had to cut open is abdomen, intestines and colon to cut the foam out of him.

He said he “fell on it” while swimming nude. But when they cut him open it had a condom stretched over the end of it.

When they confronted him he said “please don’t tell me wife”.”

7. Back in med school…

“I went to med school in the deep south.

Burly, middle aged southern gentleman showed up in the ED. Chief complaint: rectal pain. After a full history, and physical examination couldn’t ascertain the case of his pain other than him saying “feels like something’s up there,” we decided to start with some X-rays.

Before we obtained them, he says: “Alright I’m gonna be square with you. I was walking down the street, minding my own business, when these thugs jumped me out of nowhere, and held me down and stuck a cucumber up my butt. Please you got to get it out.”

I immediately went to get my attending. One surgical consult and G.I. consult later, a cucumber WRAPPED IN A CONDOM was extracted from this man’s rectum.”

8. Loads of stories.

“Friend is a stomach surgeon so always gets called in to pull things out of arses.

He has loads of stories but the one I remember is a guy who had a glass ketchup bottle up his arse. He’d claimed to have returned home with his grocery shopping, realised he’d lost his key so put shopping down and attempted to climb through a high window.

He slipped, fell backwards arse-first onto his groceries and SHLUM! The ketchup bottle just shot up his a-hole. (Ignore that guy was presumably not naked at time).

After removing it at the hospital, my Dr friend said ‘Thats strange. The ketchup you bought is only half full.’

I think the worst thing is that it suggests he was gonna eat the rest of it another time.”

9. Sounds painful.

“A light bulb.

You could always tell when someone came in to the ER with something lodged in their rectum because everyone would be standing around looking at the X-ray. It was still in perfect light bulb shape.

I have no idea how the patient got it up there without breaking it.”

10. If you loved me…

“Had a patient who showed up with his soon-to-be ex-wife. They were “reconciling” at a nearby motel. She convinced him that if he loved her, he would let her put a dildo in his ass. Only it wasn’t a dildo, it was her vibrator without a flared base.

Rule number one of anal play is make sure that it has a flared base. Rule number two is nothing sharp.

The whole thing went up there and he couldn’t get it out. I had to take it out under anesthesia. She felt awful and was crying the whole time. He was a very blue collar, normal dude and she was dressed in very fancy clothes.

An unlikely match in my mind. He was just happy that they were at my urban hospital and not the uppity town about 15 miles away where they lived.

I often wonder what became of them and their marriage.”

11. I don’t remember…

“A glass water bottle in his ass and he’s desperately trying to find an excuse (not one would really ask at that point actually ) he finally said: I don’t remember who put it there.

Couldn’t you just fell from some stairs or something?”

12. Very interesting…

“My friend is a nurse.

She told me about a guy who came into her ER. He claimed to have fallen out of a tree and a branch went right up his ass. They x rayed him and he had this perfectly round wooden rod up his ass. When they removed it they saw that it was sanded, painted and primed.

That branch must’ve come from a genetically modified species of tree lol.

Do you have any particularly embarrassing medical stories?

If so, please share them with us in the comments.

We can’t wait to hear from you!

The post Doctors Share the Best Excuses They’ve Heard From Patients With Something Stuck Wayyy Up Yonder appeared first on UberFacts.