15 Crimes Against Food That Deserve Prison Time

What? Is? Wrong? With? People?

I didn’t think that reading all of these super weird/disgusting/horrible food combos would upset me so much… but yeah… I’m upset. Like REALLY way too upset.

Why do you do this to food, people? How do you think this is right?

Sorry in advance for the complete and absolute destruction of your current future appetites.

1. Disgusting word of the year: creamify

“This kid I knew in school used to rip open his milk carton and dip his burrito into his chocolate milk.

Sometimes he’d even go so far as to rip open the burrito itself and pour his milk onto the beef and eggs in order to (and I’m quoting him here) ‘creamify the meat.’

I don’t know, man, the word ‘creamify’ is just… ugh.”

2. This bothers everybody

“My mom’s boyfriend. Crushed Cheez-It crackers.

Into his coffee.

Mom said I shouldn’t let it bother me.

It bothers me.”

3. Okay, I’m done. I can’t do this any longer.

“I work at a pub waiting tables.

One day, this couple walked in who I’d never seen, but were apparently regulars. The bartender saw them, shot me a glance, and went to grab something from the kitchen.

Before even taking their order, he’d filled the crushed red pepper shaker and told me to take it over to them. The woman ordered a small cup of french onion soup and proceeded to unscrew the cap of this shaker and dump THE ENTIRETY of it onto her soup.

She was eating spicy red pepper like cereal and didn’t even ask for a drink refill.”

4. Oh god! I didn’t stop. Why?!?!?

“Saw a dude eat spaghetti in milk one time.

One very dark time.”

5. I’m officially dead.

“I used to work as a bartender.

One day, a middle-aged man walked in and ordered a beer with milk.”

6. Your extended family is pit full of food-ruining vipers and must be stopped!

“My wife likes to make crunchy peanut butter and bologna sandwiches (with cheese). Her mom also adds mayo.

I just can’t bring myself to try it — literally start retching at the thought of the flavor.”

7. You no good, dirty sonofabitch…

“I watched a guy pour Sprite into a nice $50 bottle of wine because he didn’t like the flavor.”

8. OMFG!

“My baby sister used to eat pancakes with ranch dressing.

My mom just accepted it because she was SUCH a picky eater, and this was something she just thoroughly enjoyed.

We’re pretty sure it’s because my mom craved both (though separately) when she was pregnant with her.”

9. Purple cow? More like purple garbage can!

“When I visited my aunt’s family as a kid she served a ‘purple cow’ — milk mixed with grape juice — for breakfast.

If you haven’t tasted that, take my word for it.

It’s not a great concoction.”

10. Went too far.

“I used to be obsessed with A1 steak sauce. I would put it on EVERYTHING possible because I loved it so much. One day, I put it on jello.

I no longer enjoy A1.”

11. A complete nutter

“My mom puts peanut butter on cold pizza.

It is the closest flavor to vomit that is not vomit.”

12. Christ on a cracker!

“My sister would make Ritz cracker ‘sandwiches,’ except the thing that went between the two Ritz cracker ‘buns’ was ANOTHER Ritz cracker…except she’d chewed it up and spit it out onto the other two.

It was disgusting.”

13. You get a divorce IMMEDIATELY! You hear me?!?

“My wife dips her peanut butter and jelly sandwiches into SpaghettiOs.”

14. Sir, you are in PUBLIC?!

“There was a dude in my dining hall that had a plate of sunny-side-up eggs.

Scooped under an egg with his fork, brought it up to his mouth, and only touched his lips to the yolk. Proceeded to suck all the yolk, and then slurped the rest of the egg in.

It was like a car crash; I couldn’t look away but I was horrified.”

15. We will no longer be talking to each other. Thank you. Bye!

“A couple of years ago when my best friend and I were still in college, she stayed over at my place a few times.

It was then that I learned that she liked dipping cheese into hot chocolate. Like, full on dunking it in, waiting for it to partially melt, swirling it around, and then eating it.

I love her to bits, she’s like my sister…but I still haven’t entirely recovered.”

*shudder*

I need a shower.

The post 15 Crimes Against Food That Deserve Prison Time appeared first on UberFacts.

14 People Who Snuck Out on a One Night Stand With No F***s Given

Okay, looks like we’ve found a bunch of people who do not give a single fuck about what they do or how their actions will make others feel.

And hey, that’s okay. At least they own up to being horrible people.

Because, for real, if you puke in or take a shit in somebody’s bed and just leave it for them to clean up… you are a horrible, horrible person.

So yeah! Get ready for 14 tales that will make you cringe.

1. Walk of shame, indeed!

Photo Credit: Whisper

2. Now that’s a best friend!

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3. Is she dead? No. Okay, back to bed!

Photo Credit: Whisper

4. Well, that plan backfired!

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5. Well, you should regret at least one thing.

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6. What a weirdo…

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7. I don’t believe this for a moment. This never happens.

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8. Oh… that’s cold.

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9. But what if he found out later…

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10. Come on… you drew actual blood?!

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11. A moment of clarity…

Photo Credit: Whisper

12. Hahaha, that fucking photo…

Photo Credit: Whisper

13. He cleaned up YOUR vomit? Wow.

Photo Credit: Whisper

14. Okay, now I want to know!

Photo Credit: Whisper

I’m so glad I would never do any of these things.

*pats self on back and buys himself some ice cream for not being a psychopath*

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16 Baby Shower Confessions That Made Us Very Uncomfortable

Confession time: I’ve actually never attended a baby shower. I’m sure I will at some point, and after seeing these crazy confessions, I guess I’m semi-looking forward to enjoying the drama.

1. Just feel how you feel. Those emotions are all yours.

Photo Credit: Whisper

2. Dem hoes…

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3. Nerd baby FTW!

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4. Bless their lily white souls…

Photo Credit: Whisper

5. Wait… what?!?

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6. This f**king guy! O_o

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7. She’s going to need all the support she can get. Be there for her.

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8. Oh snap.

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9. **sniff**

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10. So fabulously, profanely petty.

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11. Just. Say. No.

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12. Oh, this sucks…

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13. Y.I.K.E.S.

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14. Pro gift.

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15. Divorce her immediately.

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16. Not a bad point, tbh…

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Shocking, yes. Surprising? Not really.

But that Grandmother-To-Be shower and then no baby shower for the mom is peak pettiness. How does something like that even happen?

F**king people…

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Epic Text Thread About Cake Decorating, Lies & a Girl Named Trisha Goes Viral

Meet Josh, who is apparently a genius with cakes!

Photo Credit: reddit

Josh is texting with his “friend” Trisha.

And Trisha is not buying Josh’s bulls**t about cakes.

Photo Credit: reddit

Oh Josh, don’t try to convince Trisha that you did anything to that cake.

She clearly knows you’re lying.

Just own up to it.

Photo Credit: reddit

Oh. You doubled down?

And…. yep!

Trisha totally called you on it.

Photo Credit: reddit

Wait… you’re tripling down?

Has that ever been attempted in the history of lying about baking and/or decorating cakes?!

Photo Credit: reddit

You do realize that Trisha is completely immune to your attempts at making her feel bad, right?

She does not give ONE SINGLE F**K about your feelings.

What I’m saying is Trisha will destroy you if you keep giving her the chance.

Photo Credit: reddit

Wait WHAT?!?!

You’re quadrupling down?

Has that ever been attempted in the history of lying about baking and/or decorating birthday cakes for nieces?!?!?

Photo Credit: reddit

Oh Josh.

Josh, Josh, Josh…

You know what you have to do, right?

Photo Credit: reddit

No. NO!!!!

Trying to confuse Trisha isn’t what you’re supposed to do!

Trisha is CLEARLY much, much, much, much, much smarter than you.

Like, sooooooooo much smarter.

She is not to be f**ked with.

Photo Credit: reddit

Best to come clean.

Better late than never!

Photo Credit: reddit

I don’t know buddy… looks like you’ve still got a shot with Trisha!

The post Epic Text Thread About Cake Decorating, Lies & a Girl Named Trisha Goes Viral appeared first on UberFacts.

10+ Painful Moments That 2000s Kids Will Definitely Understand

What were you doing in the 2000s? If you were older than 9, you probably remember all of the following with painful accuracy.

Enjoy this Generation Z! Because you lived through those painful first decade of the internet, and your bitching and complaining helped change everything for the better.

Didn’t it?

1. #PenProbs

Photo Credit: Buzzfeed

2. When your Netflix DVD queue said your top pick was going to take A WHOLE WEEK to get to you!

Photo Credit: Buzzfeed

3. Music wouldn’t play in your cars unless you had one of these. Did you remember it?

Photo Credit: Buzzfeed

4. This is how you picked songs to play.

Photo Credit: Buzzfeed

5. You were actually jealous of friends who had these phones.

Photo Credit: Buzzfeed

6. The bad ol’ days…

Photo Credit: Buzzfeed

7. When you took the VHS tape out and saw this nightmare…

Photo Credit: Buzzfeed

8. Think Soulja Boy planted these? Hmmmm

Photo Credit: Buzzfeed

9. SHUT UP!

Photo Credit: Buzzfeed

10. Remember when you misspelled a word on your shoes? Yeah you do…

Photo Credit: Buzzfeed

11. When texting was way too hard and not at all private…

Photo Credit: Buzzfeed

12. When you printed maps and forget to do it in black & white so all that color ink was wasted!

Photo Credit: Buzzfeed

Every generation will have their shame.

This was yours.

Not too bad, tbh.

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20 “Friends With Benefits” Share Their Cringeworthiest Secrets

Have you ever been in a “friends with benefits” situation?

Those who have will likely be quick to point out that, while it provides a great deal of physical fulfillment, it can be a little emotionally empty. Inevitably, however, one person starts to want that emotional component too, and things get messy.

Here are 20 stories of people who tried the FWB setup… and it’s not going so good.

1. Honesty is the best policy.

Photo Credit: Whisper

2. Yeah, that’s gonna happen. Did you see that movie?!

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3. Oh no… how horrible for you…

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4. Yeah, that is a bit much.

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5. Better luck next time!

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6. Just let it go man. Let it go…

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7. Isn’t that kind of the point?!

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8. Yeah, that’s kind of how this stuff goes.

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9. Open your mouth and allow words to come out.

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10. Yeah, that’s not cool.

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11. Oh, calm the fuck down already.

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12. Hates is probably a strong word, yeah?

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13. Ruined? You sure about that?

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14. No, you good.

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15. Hmmm, not the outcome one would expect, but if it works, it works!

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16. Maybe he’s trying to convince himself?

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17. And!?!?!

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18. Break. It. Off.

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19. Haha, well, I bet that wasn’t uncomfortable or anything…

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20. Probably.

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If I’m being completely, brutally honest… I have no sympathy for any of those people.

When you agree to these kind of situations, you have to be ready for the fallout.

Otherwise, stay away from the genitals!

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14 Employees Who Should Have Definitely Gotten Fired But Miraculously Didn’t

Somebody on Reddit asked this question: “What is the biggest “oh fuck, I’m dead” thing you’ve done at work, but nobody ever found out?”

Thousands answered, and we combed through the best to share them with you.

1. “I was essentially trapped at work…”

Had a truck turn up 15 minutes before the end of the day and in my rush/pure fucking anger to just get him unloaded ASAP so I could go home I drove through the roller shutter doors as they were still opening and “caught” them with the top of the mast.

I got the guy unloaded and on his way and tried to lock up hoping to explain it all away the following day.

The door was that bent it wouldn’t lock, as it wouldn’t lock I couldn’t set the alarms, I was essentially trapped at work and now an hour late from leaving.

In a moment of pure desperation I lifted the doors again and drove into them from the other side bending them enough to lock them up, set the alarms and get home.

I’d hit them a little too hard so they were now bent inwards and the bosses assumed someone had reversed into them during the night – the estate we were on was a notorious cruising spot for the local boy racers and there was always tyre marks or bits of car scattered round the place so they got the blame

2. “…the only way to activate a multi-million dollar security technology system.”

Lost a key dongle that was worth $32k.

This was 15ish years ago in a different state and career. The dongle looked basically like a USB thumb drive was was the only way to activate a multi-million dollar security technology system for a hospital in a big city.

The thing is, I was 100% sure I never had it and that it was missing from the packaging from the manufacture. Everyone I worked with also was not sure they ever saw it too. I was distraught and sick to my stomach at the possibility I screwed up somehow on something so stupid and cost costly but ended up being convinced we never received it.

The owner of the company I worked for and our lawyers had to get involved with the vendor to make an agreement with them to send us a replacement for a relatively small fee. I’m not positive after all these years on this cost but think it was around $5k.

No one was happy but we needed it and it was done.

Fast forward to years later. I’m living in a different state, now married and working for a different company in a different field and I decide I want to use the backpack I used to use at the old job where the dongle was lost. I still had some stuff in it so I clean it out, turn it upside down and shake it and hear something rattling around.

In the bottom of the big compartment of the bag, it looks like a solid piece. I dig my fingers around it and was surprised to find it was a flap. I open the flap and HOLY SHIT its the mother f’ing missing $32k dongle!

I was shocked and for a second, felt so damn guilty. But then I just laughed as it was already taken care of and years in the past. Still feel like a shithead thinking about it all these years later just a little bit.

3. “I left Gwar, Meat Sandwich, as our only muzak…”

Gwar.

Our muzak hold crap system was out of whack, so since I’m IT, I was tasked to fix it. Stupid proprietary audio files, stupid codecs, stupid hold music.

To pass the time, I ripped a gwar cd that I recieved as a gag gift a million years ago to the proprietary format and amused myself by throwing “Meat Sandwich” on loop for testing.

Finally got everything working, called it a night and went home for the rest of the weekend.

Monday morning, around 11am, I get a call. “Hi, Coyote? I think our muzak system is still broken. People are complaining about the songs and the sound?”

What? WHAT? Call my work into question? I tested it MYSELF. I personally made sure the audio format was working with my OWN MUSIC and…

…and…

….and fuck.

I left Gwar, Meat Sandwich, as our only muzak for hold for our entire company.

I ran to the Datacenter, put everything back to default and the told them that it was “crossing channels” or some bullshit and everything was fine.

But we open at 6am. So for 5 glorious hours, Meat Sandwich was the music playing after the soft voiced woman told you to “Please Hold”.

4. “It was made out of diamonds or gold or something else fucked up.”

It was university.

They had this really expensive piece of equipment and I can’t remember exactly what it measured, or how it worked.

What I remember is this: you completed a “circuit” to power the thing, meaning you plugged a wire into 5volts or whatever came out of the wall, and another wire into the ground, and plugged both of them into the device (alligator clips baby).

What you got out of the wall was wayyyyyyyy too much current, so you had to put a resister between the wire from the wall and the device

The thing cost something ridiculous like 25k at the time. It was made out of diamonds or gold or something else fucked up.

Anyways, I got really pissed at my lab partner, just took over the experiment. And plugged the thing directly into the wall without a resister…

I basically fried the thing in a second.

I smelt burning and could see smoke come out of it immediately and knew exactly what I’d done.

As I literally thought “Oh fuck, I’m dead” and started realizing the gravity of my actions, this dude in a huge ass trench coat thing walks by my lab table, gets his coat caught in it and pulls the thing off the table. It lands on the ground and smashes into a million pieces.

Dude was walking with the guy who ran the labs, and that dude loses it on him.

I just sat in silence. I felt guilty but like I dodged the biggest bullet of my life.

I didn’t know definitively that I’d broke it, but I knew definitively that that dude had.

And I was too much of a coward to say anything.

5. “…my hot acid puke punched right through the bag and into my lap.”

It was the night before I was scheduled to have a tense meeting with my boss and a client. The meeting was supposed to be a sort of “peace talk” because of tension growing between my staff and the client who was an emotional and difficult person to work with. The night before my wife and I opened a bottle of wine with dinner and managed to finish it off before bed. This didn’t seem like too much at the time but the next morning I woke up sicker than I have ever been.

I still had this difficult meeting so I got up got dressed managed to choke down some Advil and a glass of water. The minute I get on the highway to work I feel my stomach twisting. There is nothing between where I am now and where my office is except highway with almost no shoulder.

Half way to work I feel that feeling in my throat, like a tightening, and my bowels are starting to make terrible noises. I realize I am going to throw up and look around my car for anything to throw up in. I spot McDonalds bag is on the floor so I grab it.

Hoping I don’t need to use it I speed up trying to get to my exit so I can pull over and ralph.

No dice.

I held the bag up to my mouth going 85 MPH and throw up red wine into the McDonalds bag which had the strength of tissue paper because my hot acid puke punched right through the bag and into my lap.

By some miracle I had extra business slacks in my car. I stopped at a gas station and changed in the bathroom. I looked into the mirror and a haggard sallow man with flop sweat and sunken eyes stared back at me. Even with the wardrobe change I smelled faintly of booze and vomit. I went to the meeting and my boss noticed something was up. He rescheduled with the client telling me “I don’t think you’re up to it this morning”.

I for sure thought he was going to fire me for being a huge drunk but nothing happened.

I don’t drink wine anymore.

6. “Went home. Ate pizza. Couple hours go by.”

I was to supposed to meet a client outside of work to discuss a business opportunity.

Got permission to leave work early to go to an arranged meeting with the customer. I went on auto-pilot as soon as I started driving from work. Forgot about the meeting. Picked up a pizza. Went home. Ate pizza. Couple hours go by.

OH SHIT!

I didn’t have a phone number for the customer, so I never called or anything, just no-call no-showed on the customer.

Customer never said anything. Manager never asked about it.

7. “My life flashes before my eyes.”

Okay so I’m running a summer camp and half way through the day I’m comparing our bus attendance to the group attendance and I notice there is a little girl who was marked as being on the bus but not in her group. I go and check the group, no sign of her.

Other groups, nope.

No one has seen this six year old girl and we are out in bumble fuck nowhere and I am losing my shit. I have lost a child. We’re gonna get so fired and gonna need to call the cops and they’re gonna have to search the woods.

My life flashes before my eyes.

After fifteen minutes of oh my god my life is over my coworker pulls up with the news that she spoke to the girls mom and she did not come to camp that day at all, the bus attendance was an error. I was five minutes from calling my boss and instead I collapsed in the dirt with relief and tried not to cry.

Holy fuck.

8. “….we only have one kid.”

Summer martial arts camp, probably 10+ years ago. Several times a day, the entire camp would be called to line up on the gymnasium floor. Roughly 50-75 kids, probably in rows of 8, spaces with about 5 feet between each kid, all nice and orderly.

For the most part, everybody knew exactly where and which spot to line up on. It was pretty meticulous laid out, and we would spend 20 or 30 minutes on the very first day, making sure each and every person knew specifically which spot to line up on.

One day, lineup is called for lunch or something. Whistle blows, mob of kids come crashing from all around. Kids take their spots, settle in, counselors are talking, telling them what’s for lunch, somebody is probably walking through the rows of kids with a giant bottle of hand sanitizer spritzing each pair of outstretched hands. Suddenly somebody noticed an empty spot. They turned to the next kid over who was quite young (probably 7 ish) and asked who stands there. “Oh, that’s my brother”. “Well where is he??” “I dunno..”.

So they proceed to tear the whole place apart.

Swimming pool???!? Check. Bathrooms? Check. Girls bunk? Check. Kitchen? Check. Showers? Check.

You name it, they searched there, twice. Finally they have to call the parents and tell them that they LOST one of their kids.

How do the parents respond?

“….we only have one kid.”

Oh yeah, kid forgot to mention that his brother was IMAGINARY.

9. “…20 minutes later walking in the back to ankle deep water.”

I used to work for a big box pet store taking care of the animals that lived in the store. There was a rotation of the animals getting their accessories changed out and cleaned (i.e. water bottles, food bowls, plastic huts) every day. So each day the morning person cleaned that day’s habitats and the closer did the “dishes” in the sink and set them to dry and be put back in rotation for use.

It was sometimes difficult to complete any of these tasks while also dealing with customers. The sink we did dishes in was very deep and company policy stated that the dishes had to soak in a cleaning solution for a certain amount of time so it took a long time to fill up the sink with the solution to soak everything.

It was common to turn the water on to fill up the sink and go see if anyone needed help in the store while you waited.

Not long after I started working there I was performing this task and got pulled into a long conversation with a customer. Normally I’d duck in the back and turn off the faucet if I thought the conversation would take a while, but this night I just completely forgot the sink was on. Cue like 20 minutes later walking in the back to ankle deep water. The sink had overflowed and was filling the back space. The door had a rubber stopper at the bottom keeping it from going into the store

I took a squeegee thing and started herding the water into a drain on the floor on the back side of the fish wall but it took a long time. I was so frantic and still had to pay attention to customers out on the floor. Luckily no one else ever went into the back unless you worked in that department and I was working alone. So I managed to herd most of the water into the fish drain and the rest dried over night before the opener came in. No one ever knew I flooded the back space.

Few months later I realized flooding was a common occurrence and my manager flooded it at least once a year.

10. “We call it the doom button…”

I auto-archived 2500 records from our database with one button push. This removed them from active status and cancelled any associated reservations and services.

I had to click into each record and reinstate it. Took me 6 hours.

I admitted my folly at the next team meeting to ensure no one else had to go through the sheer butt puckering terror I did when those records disappeared. We call it the doom button now. Why there is a doom button I have no idea.

11. “…forklift tine and punched it all the way through her tailgate!!!”

When I was 18 I worked for Menards (like Home Depot). It was a small store with an outside yard that you couldn’t drive into so we would pick what you wanted with a forklift and load the customers out in the parking lot.

So this lady came in to pick up a bunch of special order bricks. I loaded two pallets of bricks into the back of her very nice new truck, she signed the paperwork and the transaction was done…. Until I sat in the forklift filling out my part of the paperwork and she backed into a forklift tine and punched it all the way through her tailgate!!!

I was 100% in the wrong as anyone who has ever driven a forklift knows that unless you are actively using the lift, you keep the tines on the ground if you’re parked, and a couple inches above while driving.

I had seen a guy get fired once for driving over a piece of cardboard instead of stopping to pick it up, so I was beyond screwed… but she just put it in drive and took off. She didn’t even look back at me. I expected that she was going to pull up to the front of the store to report it, but she just left. As far as I know she never reported it, and no one ever knew it happened.

That was 21 years ago and I think about that incident pretty often.

12. “…the captain made a wrong turn onto a narrow taxiway…”

When I was a brand new airline pilot we landed at an airport that required a long taxi back to the terminal. During the taxi the captain made a wrong turn onto a narrow taxiway that led to a small private hangar. As soon as he made the turn we knew it was the wrong taxiway, but it was very narrow with trees on both sides so there was no way to turn around. I had no idea how we were going to deal with this.

He thought for a minute, then said, “McGonogle, can you see the tower from here?”

I looked. “Nope.”

“Good. Then they can’t see us.”

With that, he reversed both engines and slowly backed onto the main taxiway. I guess the passengers thought it was normal because no one asked any questions and we never heard anything about it.

13. “…paperclip flew right over the small wall and hit a customer right in the head…”

when I was about 17 I used to internship at a bank through a school program. It was a small business bank so there wasn’t any glass like you see at big banks. The set up was 4 desks lined up next to each other with small walls separating them almost cubicle style but shorter. My desk was all the way at the end next to the wall.

Anyways, so I’m sitting at my desk bored one day with nothing to do so I grab a paperclip and start flicking it paper football style at the wall separating my desk and the one next to it. Ever ytime it bounced back I would flick it again.

Well one time I flicked it a little too hard and the paperclip flew right over the small wall and hit a customer right in the head that was waiting to be attended.

My heart sank and so did my head down to the desk as I tried to go unnoticed in hopes that they wouldnt know who did it. Looking back it was probably obvious that the 16 y/o boy was the one flicking paperclips and not the 40+ old ladies next to him.

Luckily I don’t think the customer knew what hit her and I was never blamed for it.

14. “I never had to fess up to my boss…

Working at a high end tour company, I backed a bus hitch into a guest’s BMW. Broke one of their tail lamps.

I picked up all the plastic remnants from the ground and taped a note to their window to find me when they returned from their tour to discuss the damage and go speak to the owner with me about insurance, etc.

I’d been breaking down my trip to make way for the next bus arriving, so I hadn’t had a chance to go tell my boss before they returned. The guest came and found me, laughing. Said someone had hit it a few weeks prior and it was already being processed through the insurance of the other person who had hit him, and not to worry about it.

He hadn’t realized that I’d done additional damage because it was the same tail light, nothing else was damaged and I’d picked up all the broken pieces from the ground, so it didn’t look that bad compared to what damage had already existed.

I never had to fess up to my boss about the incident and learned to never attempt to park the bus near the fancy cars again.

Wow!

The post 14 Employees Who Should Have Definitely Gotten Fired But Miraculously Didn’t appeared first on UberFacts.

18 Tweets That Perfectly Capture the Struggle That Is Adulthood

English playwright Oscar Wilde once said, “Youth is wasted on the young.”

I often think about this quote when I ride in to work everyday and consider what I’ve done with my life. Because we had all that time! And what did we do with it? Eat gummy fruits and watch reruns? Why wasn’t I investing in stocks?!

Thankfully, there’s Twitter. Where comedians hang out and tweet funny shit that we can all relate to. Sure, it can be depressing to think about how your life has turned out so far, but at least we can all laugh at it.

Right? We can laugh at it?! It’s funny right?! RIGHT?!?!

I kid. Let’s have fun.

1. So much me. So much.

2. I enjoy “cooking”

3. 4 hours at least. 6 hours at the most.

4. What a pain!

5. I read lots of Böökes

6. Stop jumping! I want to get back on my feet!

7. Wait… how much is THAT?

8. Why doesn’t anybody stop me from doing these things?!

9. I didn’t ask for this!

10. Too expensive!

11. I scream! And… that’s it. I just scream.

12. MINE!

13. Q: What do you want to be when you grow up? A: An employee, apparently.

14. Drugs help.

15. Time works differently now.

16. OMG. This is so true!

17. It’s basically Netflix. That’s my existence. Thanks.

18. Can I hire a domineering mom for another 5 years?

Okay, that settles it. Ice cream and thin mints for dinner.

To the dollar store!

The post 18 Tweets That Perfectly Capture the Struggle That Is Adulthood appeared first on UberFacts.

People Share The Rudest Assumptions Someone Has Made About Them

I wish more people would stop making assumptions about someone without knowing anything about them It’s so prevalent, and a lot of times we do it without even realizing.

What really sucks is when people assume the worst about you.

1. MRStaken

I have an undercut for my hair and wear it to the side, it almost hits my shoulder. I get misgenedered all the time because of this.

Apparently people look right beyond the facial hair and just call me miss, ma’am, lady, or whatever. Pretty much whenever this happens I just laugh it off because its kinda funny honestly and people make mistakes. I make sure they don’t feel bad about it when they realize it or just let them go and not correct them, its whatever.

But sometimes people get shitty and try to argue with me about why do I look like a girl. So I’d say thats pretty fuckin rude.

The assumption is whatever, just continuing to pester and get shitty to me about it is what I think is really rude about the whole thing.

2. Guys… stop saying this!!!!

That I can’t possibly be smart enough to do my job (security side of tech) because I’m an attractive woman. (Not assuming here – have had guys say this to me explicitly.)

It did help quickly weed out the assholes while I was dating, though.

3. A mediocre friend…

I was hanging out a friend and it had been about a month after we had met etc, and they said, “The best thing about you is that you’re happy being mediocre”.

This felt especially bad as at that time in my life, I had just had a string of failures and was already pretty down.

4. Why you so judgey old lady?

I was in target and stopped to look at a really cute swim suit for a baby that was on display in the aisle.

Two older ladies passed by and one of them said “she’s way too young to have a child” nose in the air.

I was in my mid 20s, probably the same age or older than she was when she had kids.

5. Again, trade jobs pay really well. People need to wise up.

That I’m probably just some uneducated immigrant who can’t speak English.

I’m Mexican, I drive a truck for a living. I make more doing this than putting my bachelor’s to use.

I don’t talk much because I’m tired, grumpy and depressed all of the time.

6. You WISH you made what he does…

I went to walmart while taking a break from painting the nursery. I was fairly spattered in paint and trying to pick a pizza. I heard a lady tell her kid “that is why you go to school so you don’t have a job like that”. There are layers to just how fucked up that was. Not the least of which is house painters can make pretty decent money.

7. When HR needs to apologize…

At a past employer someone complained to HR that I was allegedly playing inappropriate Rap music and too loudly at my desk.

I get called into HR to explain myself and told them it wasn’t me…it was the white guy sitting two desks behind me and he came in to admit it because he didn’t think it was such a big deal to be in trouble for.

It was probably the fact that since I was the only black guy where I sit in a certain part of the office, they just naturally assumed it was me.

You can imagine the sheer embarrassment on part of HR that came after.

8. Are they counting inner beauty?

“Why won’t you date her? Are you gay?”

“No, I just don’t like her”

“But she is prettier than you… ”

Happens strangely often, even if not with those exact words.

9. At this point… how do people not realize video games are entertainment like everything else?

That I’m lazy because I really enjoy videogames.

Bitch, I have a full-time job, house, car, wife, and a dog.

I also do most of the cooking, cleaning, dog-walking, and general chores around the house because my wife works crazy hours.

Lazy my ass.

10. So this one actually probably hurt quite a bit.

That I was stupid enough not to figure out that the guy I had a crush on in middle school was paid to go on a date with me as a joke.

10+ years later I’m still pissed.

Though based on how he’s doing now I dodged a real bullet there lmao

11. Just like a bad movie…

Well… There was the time I was an engineering student at a very well respected school and a mother told her son to make sure to get good grades so he didnt end up working in a movie theater like me. To my face.

I liked working there and did it because I was early in college and needed some extra cash.

I guess everyone that works at a movie theater is just a dumbass then instead of high school/college kids like we all were.

So that was pretty shit.

12. Good for you mom!

That I was being horribly disrespectful in a church ceremony.

In reality I was my little sisters Confirmation sponsor (Catholic rite) and was also in end stage liver failure. Was on lots of meds for pain and my brain was marinating in ammonia so I had several head drops (like when you’re falling asleep) during the 2 hour mass. Woman next to me berates me for being ‘so rude and disrespectful’

Luckily my mom found her afterwards and tore her a new one.

13. Not an only child

My (only) sister died when I was 15, when people I don’t particularly know or like very well ask me if I have siblings, I usually just say no – I don’t like to talk about it and it’s a conversation killer. But it’s surprising how many have replied with: ‘oh, only child? You must have been spoiled.’

I love then saying: ‘well I had a sister but she died.’ The look on their face is priceless ? Keep your judgements to yourselves, people.

14. Gender bender

When I was working at Best Buy in my teens/early 20’s, people would ask me to my face if I could go and get a “male” worker to answer their questions because they felt “more comfortable” asking them about it (stuff like game consoles, cameras and equipment, ipods, that was the area I worked in).

The fun part was watching the customers faces malfunction that male coworker would walk them back over to me, because I knew what I was doing in that department and they only knew their stuff when it came to TVs or washers and dryers.

15. Well, that’s quite a sales pitch…

A girl I met for a date on an app once said to me at the end of the date that I should see her again because a guy of my height won’t have many options.

16. Not zee person you thought he was…

I am a german living abroad so i have a german accent.

Also since i have had a receding hairline since my teens i have a short hair cut.

So yeah you’d be suprised how many times held me for a nazi.

My father and I were in Prague when we heard an English woman say to her friend, about us, ”they look so British they can’t be British”, which I don’t think was a compliment.

Okay, we were British but I think that was a bit uncalled for.

17. Hugs, not drugs

I have ADHD so I talk fast, I’m super tall and lanky and also suffer from all year around allergies.

Multiple times I’ve been told I have a cocaine addiction.

18. “Fuckular”

Just because I have these muscular fuckular forearms, babes are always asking me to twist the caps off of everything.

The truth, I have really soft under hands, and caps tear me up really good.

Well, that was uncomfortable.

The post People Share The Rudest Assumptions Someone Has Made About Them appeared first on UberFacts.

10+ Memes That Will Definitely Make Your Day More Bearable

I don’t care what time of day it is, we need memes 24/7.

They lift us up, they make us laugh and they never let us down.

So tuck into these dozen, internet-generated LOLS and pass some along to your friends if you think they’re worthy.

1. Stop it apps!

Photo Credit: Someecards

2. Struggles all day, every day…

Photo Credit: Someecards

3. We all have worries!

Photo Credit: Someecards

4. If you’re dead, you can’t be embarrassed.

Photo Credit: Someecards

5. Some of us are great at improvising…

Photo Credit: Someecards

6. My girl!

Photo Credit: Someecards

7. Not before noon!

Photo Credit: Someecards

8. Can’t stop, won’t stop.

Photo Credit: Someecards

9. Where is this magical beast and how can I pet her immediately?!?

Photo Credit: Someecards

10. Why do you do this to me?!

Photo Credit: Someecards

11. OH! So that’s how science works!

Photo Credit: Someecards

12. I’d buy it!

Photo Credit: Someecards

Okay, you can go back to work or lunch or sleeping.

We’ll have more memes later. Promise.

The post 10+ Memes That Will Definitely Make Your Day More Bearable appeared first on UberFacts.