Category: Twitter

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Tweets for Misanthropes to Enjoy…If That’s Possible

There’s a great word that I feel doesn’t get used enough despite ample opportunity and applicability. That word is “misanthrope,” and it’s defined thusly:

Mis•an•thrope – noun – a person who dislikes humankind and avoids human society.

Pretty relatable right?

But it doesn’t stop there. You can toss it in as an adjective (“misanthropic”), an active noun (“misanthropy”), or even throw it around as an “ism,” (“misanthropism”).

You can do all of this to sound just a little more sophisticated while explaining to the people around you that you hate the people around you and want nothing to do with them. That is, if you’re anything like the folks who wrote these tweets.

10. Alone again, naturally

This has pretty much been me for the last year, I must confess.

9. Dog eat dog

Canines are infinitely better than humans.

8. What do you think you’re doing?

I’m gonna need way more information before I make even a verbal commitment, this might be a trap.

7. It’s no surprise to me

‘Cause every now and then I kick the living sh*t outta me.

6. Remember, remember

I see no reason the random light treason should ever be forgot.

5. Asked and answered

It’s a dangerous game that you’re playing.

4. Downright neighborly

The less they know of my existence the better.

3. Squad goals

Oh, I’m dead serious about that.

2. Back off

I’m sorry, do you know who I am?

1. Checking in

Yup, it’s still pretty stupid out here.

We misanthropes gotta stick together. But separately, because ew.

Would you define yourself as a people person? Why or why not?

Tell us in the comments.

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Nice Tweets About Best Friends Being Besties

When Harry Nilsson wanted to tell us about his best friend, he did so through song, and he expressed his feelings thusly:

People, let me tell you ’bout my best friend
He’s a warm-hearted person who’ll love me to the end
People let me tell you ’bout my best friend
He’s a one-boy, cuddly toy
My up, my down, my pride and joy

I think we should probably bring back the use of “one-boy cuddle toy” as a general signal of affection, but I don’t know if we’ve all got time to write entire bouncy songs about our friends these days, so instead, we use stuff like these tweets.

Let’s take a look!

10. Coming through

Come on, ya still gotta let them eat cake.

9. Brain meld

We don’t even have to speak, but when we do, it’s magic.

8. Words of encouragement

You are the alpha. You are the omega. The one that is and is to come.

7. I dare you

Oh, things are about to get spicy in here.

6. Petty much right

Oh yeah, it’s all coming together.

5. Take a break

This is a totally healthy and normal approach to relationships, right guys?

4. Hour by hour

Wait, do you mean to tell me that people still have, like, phone calls?

3. Ex-cellent

No, sir. I am here to protect you from yourself. You’re coming with me.

2. We’re on the case

This mystery will be wrapped up quick.

1. Sole mates

We are together in victory and da feet.

 

A good friend tweet is worth a thousand songs.

How would you describe your best friend?

Give it a whirl in the comments.

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Hilariously Dumb Movie Character Tropes That Will Look Familiar To You

Wanna know what drives me crazy with movie characters?

When there’s some kind of conflict arising from a misunderstanding, and Character A says to Character B “How could you!” B and A have known each other for a while, and B has given A no reason not to trust him before now, but A jumps right to assuming the worst. “I can explain!” shouts B, “Save it!” says A, and leaves in a huff.

B really could have explained. But he won’t get a chance to, because we need to save that resolution for the final act. In the meantime, try to somehow not think of A as an absolute sociopath.

Oh look, here’s Twitter to pick apart some more tropes!

10. Phony phone

I also leave gaps in my conversation that are way too short for me to be getting the information I’m getting.

9. Carry on

I get everything I need with just the look on my face.

8. Shoot up

Yeah that’s not how guns work.

7. Afraid of the dark

“Let me just unload these groceries I’m carrying for some reason in the darkness.”

6. Period piece

What a perfect world.

5. Good police work

We’re all better cops than movie cops.

4. Seek and ye shall find

“Good thing they have it filed under ‘I’ for ‘incriminating evidence.’”

3. Do the twist

The first day you become cool they teach you how to do that neck thing.

2. Fit me in

Lose the attitude.

1. Secret surprise

GOTTA SAVE IT FOR ACT III.

Hows come movies so dumb, yanno?

What other tropes should we dig into?

Tell us in the comments.

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Tweets For People Who Are Sick of Work

Let’s revisit the immortal words of Todd Rundgren:

“Take this, every day when I get home from work
I feel so frustrated the boss is a jerk,
And I get my sticks and go out to the shed,
And I pound on that drum like it was the boss’ head because
I don’t want to work
I want to bang on the drum all day.”

This lighthearted tune about an employer head trauma fantasy rings true with most of us, especially with the people who wrote these tweets.

Though I’d rather nobody bang on drums while I’m trying to relax. You can take that elsewhere, please.

10. Dead serious

Cool, cool cool cool, our society is broken.

9. Me time

How about mind your own business, Carol?

8. Tears in rain

Now THAT’S what I call freedom.

7. Code of conduct

Now I shall go to heaven.

6. Tow the line

It’s the delicate balance that binds us all together.

5. Growing accustomed

I don’t even need to see the rest of ya’ll.

4. See no evil

We’ve been speaking with our voices for millenia, we can just keep doing that.

3. The dream

Let me know if you figure it out.

2. Enthusiasm

I too have an inescapable guilt complex.

1. Many worries

Watch your language.

Nobody wants to work. But we gotta. At least we can all tweet about it!

What’s the best job you’ve ever had? What’s the worst job you’ve ever had? What made them unique?

Tell us all about it in the comments.

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These Tweets Are the Best of the Best

Twitter, what would I do without you? Be productive? Do my work? Clean my apartment? Get back in contact with loved ones?

That all sounds lame. I’d much rather scroll endlessly through the strangeness scape that is Twitter. Especially now that they’ve sort of done some housecleaning of their own. Without the absolute worst bottom 5% of users or so, it’s all in all a much more pleasant place to be. It’s easier to find cool and funny tweets, like these ones here.

12. 101 demands

Also you might wanna just go ahead and organize some protests against the fur industry.

11. Dang libs

The bald hypocrisy and apathy is just absolutely stunning.

10. Among gus

It’s darker than you could possibly imagine.

9. How the cookie crumbles

You monster – that’s the most evil thing I can imagine.

8. What gives?

“I am so firing our travel agent.” – birds who still have travel agents, I guess.

7. Mind the gap

You know that’s how we do.

6. Incorporeal hotness

It’s a beauty that surpasses even my understanding.

5. Valentimes

Time to get involved in everybody’s business!

4. Level up!

Wake me when it’s time for the twos.

3. Babe?

This is it, this wins, the meme is over now.

2. Stay with me

You’ll never leave…not while I have anything to say about it.

1. In theory

You laugh but I’ve heard people really say crap like this.

I can’t imagine what I would do without Twitter, and I don’t have to, because it’s here.

Who are your favorite people to follow?

Tell us in the comments.

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Awkward Tweets That Are the Ultimate in Tone-Deaf Cringe

There’s a lot of cringe on Twitter. Like, A TON.

But some of it transcends the usual cringe. Some of it skyrockets into “I think maybe we should call someone” levels of cringe, or even the dreaded “I’m pretty sure you’re trolling but even if you are what would possess you to want to troll in this way?” level of cringe.

It’s a lot to deal with. It’s not for the weak of mind. It’s something that you really have to steel yourself for. That said, prepare to steel away, because we’ve got a collection of Twitter cringe that might exceed all previous known levels of the phenomenon.

(Except where they involve public figures, all identities have been masked in order to protect…I dunno, all of us, I guess.)

11. Robbing the cradle

Age differences speak louder than words.

10. Please be kind

Um…ok. What the heck does that even mean?

9. Burn baby, burn

When the sky gets left on red, am I right?

8. Where wolf?

“Hello, internet police? Yes, I’d like you to shut it down please. The whole thing. I’m sending you a screenshot.”

7. Subtle loathing

Cool, I need to go take a million showers now.

6. Notice me Ariana

If this wasn’t written by a very very young and misguided person then I’m sincerely scared.

5. Dead serious

When the next war starts, it will not be for resources, nor land, nor for Holy glory, but for the memes.

4. Taking off

You’re not about to like tag your soundcloud, are you?

3. The masks we wear

Ok I wrote that last caption as a joke and then I read this one.

2. Princess

Genuinely this one makes me queasy.

1. Keep her memory alive

…thanks?

If you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go shudder myself out of existence.

Which one is the cringiest?

Tell us in the comments.

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Twitter Moments That Will Make You Cringe Forever

There’s a certain amount of responsibility that comes with passing along cringe. Especially nuclear weapons grade cringe. The kind of cringe that will melt your face off if you look right at it like the Ark of the Covenant in Indiana Jones.

So, fair warning, the Twitter cringe you’re about to see is a lot. It’s too much. And we’ve removed all the identifying names and faces in order to protect the…innocent? The guilty?

Just consider it a general protection spell cast on this entire mess.

14. Jar jar stinks

The less I say about this one the more likely I am to have a shot at going to Heaven.

13. What the S?

Your kinks are fine, but don’t publically pull in people who didn’t consent, that’s insane.

12. I can’t do anything

And the internet just moves right along.

11. Something to chew on

Maybe the lumber company didn’t think anyone would try to eat their houses, bro.

10. Six feet under

Nope. Nope nope nope nope nope.

9. The hoops

Is there um…is there a big market for that kind of thing?

8. On the upsell

For anyone who doesn’t know, Forex is just a global exchange market that’s completely unhelpful to the vast majority of us.

7. Watching, waiting

“Hello! I’m a stalker! I’m doing illegal stalking things! Here’s my public confession!”

6. Kinda fine

HOW is the INTERNET so CONSTANTLY THIRSTY?

5. Kinda sus

I think the sus thing here is that you’re a person old enough to use Twitter who is casually displaying your bed wets.

4. Pic-me-up

Yeah, what are you even complaining about?

3. The back up

Nothing’s ever really gone.

2. Getting away

Yanno, it’s less that this happened, and more that you’re volunteering it to the world unprompted.

1. Killer looks

…where do you even begin with this?

Well, that’s enough of that for now. And forever. For the rest of my life.

Which one is the most cringe?

Tell us in the comments.

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Great Tweets to Relax and Kick Back With

Had a bad day?

No worries. Kick back, relax, and enjoy some Tweets.

That is, if you’re physically in a position which allows for back-kicking. Otherwise this could be a disaster involving some sort of fall and a lot of pain and maybe medical bills and arguments in which case the need for relaxation will have only been exacerbated and we won’t have helped at all.

So, I don’t know, consult with a doctor before kicking back I guess, but prepare yourself to enjoy these random tweets from any available posture.

12. Busy busy business woman

“And what is it you do around here?”
“Computers!”

11. A whole new year

Yeah, we’re all REALLY enjoying the marking of this milestone.

10. Zack attack

I know both an “h” guy and a “k” guy and I can confirm this is accurate.

9. Going on and on

I had to check to see if this is true, but it definitely is.

8. Cancel culture

It’s like he didn’t even want to save the whales in the first place.

7. Quality control

This should be a full time job for a lot of people.

6. Follow the path

They’re polite but creative with their vulgarity across the pond.

5. Make pretend

When life imitates art imitating life.

4. Egg-cellent

Good luck with your boring, well-adjusted child.

3. Spinny rainbow and die

I mean if you think about it it’s your fault for expecting a $2,000 machine to keep working for longer than a year.

2. Higher standards

I actually have no earthly idea what I’m doing.

 

I hope you managed to enjoy all of those uninjured, as God intended.

Who are your favorite people to follow on Twitter?

Tell us in the comments.

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Tweets People Who Work in Restaurants Will Understand

Restaurant jobs sure are hard. And tough.

Having worked them a bunch is sort of a badge of honor – it’s like the military service of the job market.

And who better to complain about that sort of thing in a funny way than the people of Twitter, who are serving up a steaming hot entree of sass with a side of “tip me 20%+ or go home, you cheap jerks.”

Let’s get to the tweets.

10. Boxed in

I worked at a pizza chain once and I got so good at folding the boxes I might have been some sort of world record holder.

9. Mr. Otis

It really does break all boundaries.

8. On the line

Look, I didn’t become a cook to cook food.

7. Dead serious

We can all hope for such miracles, and one day they may come.

6. On the mat

“But I heard they use chemicals.”

5. To the extreme

How can a person even have that kind of mental focus and persistence of memory?

4. Open for business

For you? Never. Get in here, ya big lug.

3. Sorry not sorry

I almost never get angry with the representative I’m talking to, I know that if there’s bullsh*t happening it is almost certainly not their fault.

2. Cold storage

In here, no one can hear you sob.

1. By the way

Just a fair warning you should probably order now, or five minutes ago, or just leave.

Here’s to all our heroes out there making it happen. We appreciate ya.

Do you have food service industry experience?

Tell us about it in the comments.

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What’s The Best a Person Has Ever Looked on Film? 10 People Weigh In.

Stop what you’re doing because Twitter user @texaninnyc has a very important question about hot people:

What’s the answer? I have no idea. But here are a few confident assertions

10. Robert Pattinson

In the very confusing Tenet.

9. Michael Fassbender

Making very bad look too good in Inglorious Bastards.

8. Audrey Tautou

In the ever-quirky Amelie.

7. Naveen Andrews

I’ve heard that I look (or looked?) a bit like this LOST actor, I’ll take it.

6. Angelina Jolie

Just being her wherever there’s a camera.

5. Catherine Zeta Jones

Cutting it up in The Mask of Zorro.

4. Janelle Monae

Saving the day in Hidden Figures.

3. Freida Pinto

Winning in Slumdog Millionaire.

2. Jessica Alba

In an apparently underrated flick called Idle Hands.

1. Audrey Hepburn

In literally anything she touched.

Are these even real people? It’s hard to tell sometimes.

Who would you submit for this honor?

Tell us in the comments.

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