Category: Twitter

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Verbal Quirks That Are Uniquely Boomer

Social media is a great place to go if you want to feel horrible about yourself.

For instance, if you happen to belong to the generation known as “baby boomer,” you can watch your entire existence get reduced a dismissive catchphrase.

But there is SOME hope. For whatever reason, Twitter seems to be cataloguing a lot of boomer favorites in the language department, and maybe that, if nothing else, will help us all heal.

12. The moving picture show

Hold on, just gotta crank it for a minute or so.

11. Encouraging words

I’ve been told this by older folks even when it is very clearly untrue and honestly, I appreciate it.

10. Cut to the chase

I have a friend who’s like 29 and does this all. The. Time.

9. Definite article

I was just reading about it the other day on the Facebooks.

8. Mutually assured destruction

Gotta remember they grew up hiding under their desks from bombs.

7. Think differently

Is it aware of us? Does it KNOW?!

6. The good stuff

Don’t care how you say it, just remember to bring me some.

5. The million dollar question

Alright but that had better be a big tip. (It’s not gonna be.)

4. Do it to it

They got places to be, don’t stand in their way.

3. Dinner is served

Um, because that’s clearly hilarious.

2. Stir the pot

I prefer the Devil’s Lettuce.

1. More money

Seriously, they want to be rich.

I think we need to hold onto these phrases. Treasure them. Pass them on to future generations so that they can continue to be enjoyed by all.

What phrase do you think is unique to your generation?

Tell us in the comments.

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Tweets to Throw You into Yesteryear…Whether You Like it Or Not

I’m not the kind of person who says “kids today don’t know how easy they’ve got it!” because frankly, I don’t think kids today have it easy AT ALL.

I mean, yeah, sure, they never had to suffer the excruciating pain that was dial-up internet, but they also never experienced, like, hope. So I’d say it all comes out in the wash.

On a lighter note, though, it can be a lot of fun to compare and contrast yesterday to today, and the best way to do that is just to get all nostalgic scrolling through Twitter, a thing we DIDN’T EVEN HAVE BACK IN THE DAY! YOU DANG KIDS! YOU GOT IT SO GOOD!

10. The skinny jeans

Surely science can find us a happy medium between these extremes.

9. Babe: Pig in the City

“I feel like this is important, but I have no idea what’s going on.”

8. Happy brunch

What kind of chaotic nightmare world was that place?

7. Fair enough

I don’t know why I always get so excited to look through there, there’s literally nothing of value to me, ever.

6. Fishy go boom

I’m genuinely terrified at the age at which peoples’ lives become public broadcasts now.

5. Yummy gummy

They just wormed their way into all of our hearts, didn’t they?

4. Assault and battery

Dropping your phone SHOULDN’T break it now, just buy a case, dang.

3. Gone with the wind

Prepare to be utterly and thoroughly broken, air currents.

2. Nobody out pizza’s the hut

Man, now I’m hungry. Again.

1. The secret word!

It’s true.

Ah, yesterday. We hardly knew ye.

What are you most nostalgic for right about now?

Tell us in the comments.

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People Share Tweets That Will Make Your Life Much Funnier Today

Twitter is a place where all kinds of things are happening all the time. I don’t know how better to explain it than that. You know stuff? You know how there’s a large variety of stuff?

Well, picture all of that variety happening simultaneously, and you’ve got Twitter.

Lucky for us, a lot of what rises to the top of that maelstrom is funny, and we get to laugh at it. Let’s do so now, shall we?

15. Speaking in code

Maybe he’s just trying to keep things interesting.

14. I am the night

Some people just live for the drama, I guess.

13. Bon Bon

We can’t know. There’s just no way to know.

12. Chuck him in

It may not be the righteous path, but it’s my path.

11. Who??

And your mom will watch an actor in 100 movies and still never know who they are.

10. Mask off

Pretty sure that’s what was happening already anyway.

9. Shoot for the floor

And you really can’t miss.

8. The fit

I don’t know why, but I find this really unsettling.

7. Know the difference

“Terrible, Incompetent Cats” is what the movie adaptation was originally called.

6. Atlas mewed

Carry on, celestial soldier.

5. I’m just sayin’

“Oh so NOW y’all wanna hear what we have to say, huh?”

4. The doors

Everything about this seems impractical.

3. It’s official

Sorry to be the one to break this news to you.

2. Birth giver

I’m not sure why so many of this thought this was a proper joke for so long.

1. By the fire

You make the best of things in this world.

Hope you enjoyed those!

Who are your favorite people to follow on Twitter?

Tell us in the comments.

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People Talk About Their Favorite Ways to Deal with Scam Callers

I would say that roughly 1 out of every 1 phone call I get is from a scammer.

That’s not to say I don’t have friends or family who communicate with me. It’s just that that’s usually over some form of text, or in person. If it’s an actual *phone call,* it’s almost definitely a scam.

And boy oh boy are they tiring to deal with.

Lucky for us the internet is replete with suggestions on ways to turn those annoying calls into fun little diversions. Let’s let Twitter teach us how to scam the scammers.

10. Dead serious

The best supervisor tag-in ever.

9. Windows 95

How about you just come do it for the entire state while you’re at it?

8. The Accident

The Batman was right – The Penguin is a true menace to our city and must be dealt with at once.

7. Stay togeher, pray together

You’d be surprised what people will hang on through in the pursuit of cash.

6. Memories of old

Getting into character is one of the most fun ways to mess with ’em.

5. Keep ’em talking

Think of it as a public service to put your unlimited plan to use.

4. What’s it to ya, mac?

The ol’ bait and switch.

3. The new record

Now I know my ABCs, next time won’t you please not be.

2. More alphabet fun

I don’t know what’s so confusing about that.

1. Highly suspicious

It was a dark and stormy night…

That oughta keep ’em busy for a while.

How do you handle scam calls?

Tell us in the comments.

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People Share Their Hilariously Bad First Car Stories

Jimmy Fallon took to Twitter and asked everyone one specific question: what was your worst car?

I think my answer would probably be the Ford Probe I had as a teenager. Don’t even remember what year it was. It was a stick shift that didn’t handle so great, and the AC had broken years ago. If it was hot outside, my choices were to either keep the windows up and show up to wherever I was going drenched in sweat, or roll the windows down and show up absolutely windswept. Or, most often, some combination of both.

But what are so other stories of vehicular horror? Let’s see what Twitter had on offer.

10. The Baja Bug

I’m not sure that even actually counts as a car to be honest with you.

9. The Ford Temp

Hey, it was just trying to keep time.

8. The Lada

In Soviet Russia, car draws you.

7. The Datsun

As in “Dang, where’d you get dat, son?”

6. The Icemobile

I sure hope you were spouting Mr. Freeze lines the entire time.

5. The Renault LeCar

I’m sorry, were you just driving backward down highways like a lunatic?

4. The AMC Hornet

Ok that’s one of the most dangerous things I’ve ever heard.

3. The Runt

It’s kinda cute tho?

2. The Toyota Station Wagon

That sounds super secure.

1. The Alarmist

Guess that’s how you always beat the traffic, huh?

Glad those days are behind us, eh?

What’s the worst car you ever had?

Tell us in the comments.

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Tweets That Will Bring a Smile To Your Face

Does your face need a HUGE smile on it? Do your lips need to do some curls?

Well lucky you, you’re in the right place. By which I mean the internet. Specifically this corner of the internet where we’ve rounded up a bunch of tweets that can certainly help us all out with the aforementioned goals of face-smiling.

So get ready to exercise those cheek muscles, it’s happy time with jokes from the Twitter place.

10. What’s the prognosis?

It’s not about whether you should, it’s about whether you can.

9. The paradox

You gotta imagine that with as big a hit as it was, Jessie inevitable heard the song and it was real awkwarttd.

8. Corporate secrets

If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times, it’s time to get money out of pizza.

7. I see

Well, you’re not wrong.

6. A big stink

This is the wholesome crap that we all need.

5. Knock knock

I am your loyal guardian unless they have treats or pets.

4. Nature is beautiful

“Guys, could we maybe brainstorm the new fish name for like, just a couple more minutes?”

3. The Michelin man

He’s truly a Renaissance being.

2. Just for the taste of it

And can you put it in a sippy mug?

1. WHO?!

Trying to squeeze all those syllables in is a nightmare.

If you’re not smiling by now, I don’t know what to tell you. Maybe go back and read them all again?

Who are your favorite people to follow on Twitter?

Tell us in the comments.

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Great Tweets to Feed Your Daily Need for Comedy

I can’t recall the entire Lord’s Prayer from my Sunday School days, but I’m pretty sure there was a part in there about asking the Lord for our daily tweets. Or was it bread? Did Jesus say “Let’s get this bread?” Is that communion?

Sorry, not to blaspheme, it’s just that getting a daily allotment of tweets is practically a religion for me at this point so it’s sort of sunk its way into my brain in place of a lot of other stuff.

Without further ado, let’s get this bread. I mean tweets.

10. Skip ahead

Surely this is what the Olympians themselves must have felt.

9. I kneed your touch

After this it’s not gonna take much.

8. Fun in the sun

Well now he’s not the only one who’s gonna be hot.

7. Get your jollies

For me, it’ll probably be Reese’s Pieces. Not the entire Reece. Just a piece.

6. From the jump

Our entire lives are being permanently catalogued, we’re all screwed.

5. No, this is Patrick

And suddenly the Romance of that impossibly beautiful place is gone.

4. Just watch

DO NOT BETRAY US LIKE THIS. WE HAVE FEELINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE ANGER.

3. Turnabout’s fair play

Yeah we are pretty screwed.

2. Explosive news

Now let’s all be cool here…but down the blue explosives…

1. Read for liftoff

Yeah, why does that happen?

And with that, our daily tweets sustain us. Amen.

Who are your favorite people to follow on Twitter, and why?

Tell us all about them in the comments.

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Hilarious Fails That You Need to See Right Now

There’s pretty much nothing better than a good fail compilation. It’s one of the only time-tested internet things that has really spanned the entirety of the existence of the information superhighway.

No matter how good the broadband gets, no matter how far we advance or how steeply we as a culture decline, no matter how rich or poor you are, there’s something universally and eternally appealing about watching things just go wrong and weird.

So let’s do that, shall we? Courtesy of the people of Twitter. God bless their souls.

10. Crunch N’ Munch

I kid you not, my grandparents (who are not hoarders) just keep a few random cereal boxes around at all times.
I have no idea why. Maybe it’s for this?

9. Pet not so smart

“I’m a whole new dog and I hate it a lot.”

8. The Cure

Am I part of the cure, or am I part of the disease?

7. Shop around

Since this tweet now has over 100k likes, it probably won’t be hard for them to find out.

6. Contractual agreement

That kid is absolutely right.

5. Disagree to disagree

Something tells me the replies did not agree to this.

4. Blocked

My door is always open, just not to you.

3. Technical difficulties

No matter how much money you have, none of us are immune.

2. Heart and Soul

I have yet to understand the difference between his character in 30 Rock and his real life.

1. I can’t stop farting

What a time to be alive.

Now that’s some good fails. I’d call this fail list a success.

What’s a fail you’ve witnessed lately?

Tell us in the comments.

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Tweets That Should Have Won Awards if They Were Given for Such Things

Welcome to the first annual Twitter Awards, hosted by me!

Only 13 of these awards are handed out yearly, for reasons known only to be, in categories which are likely to change from year to year.

So, now that we all understand it, put on your best “good sport loser” face and prepare for the glitz and glamour of award season with these thirteen funny tweets!

13. Best Book Tweet

Man, that would be hilarious.

12. Best Non-Trashy Pronoun Joke

And I wish you the very best of luck with you predicament.

11. Best Ice Cream Observation

This would work like semaphore or flying colors, allowing us to know from a distance what to avoid.

10. Best Historical Joke

Do you want a revolution?

9. Best Name

When your parents know from the start exactly where you’re life is going.

8. Best Biblical Rewrite

I’m sending you some materials for a script treatment now.

7. Most Money Award

Give me some while you’re at it?

6. Best Historical Contextualization

They’d probably burn it at the stake as a witch.

5. Best Reference

You sure come highly recommended.

4. Safest Gaming

The gentlest video game company makes the most dangerous stuff.

3. Best Multitasking

Are you still in class while you’re tweeting this?

2. Best Picture

It’s a tie!

1. Kids Choice Award

It’s hard to imagine a circumstance quite so dismal.

We hope you’ve enjoyed this award ceremony. Seat fillers can collect their checks on the way out.

What internet creators do you think should win an award, and what should that award be called?

Tell us in the comments.

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People Talk About Their Most Embarrassing and Hilarious Work Fails

The only thing worse than doing a job you don’t love every day is epically failing at that job.

But that’s not gonna stop these people from telling the whole world about it after a prompt from account @b3ta asking for “work felated f*ck-ups.”

Let’s see what the damage is, Twitter.

15. The grand rejection

Sounds like you really unmade their day. And yours too!

14. A single piece of paperwork

The justice system strikes again.

13. Seeing red

When you’re here, you’re family.

12. In the meme time

It’s downright weird that this is a real job description.

11. Going down

Oh yeah. I knew that. Totally. I’m just um. Gonna disappear now.

10. Watch your accounts

Where’s the lie though.

9. The broadside of a barn

Be careful what you do in anger, it may follow you forever.

8. He’s a fake!

Was this kid under the impression before that giant singing rats were real?

7. You had to be there

Misuse of the various email reply options fill me with dread on a daily basis.

6. A graceful exit

Well, what would there be to mention about it?

5. First impressions

Kinda surprised they didn’t call the cops to investigate or something.

4. That’s heavy

The sort of thing you’re not easily gonna forget.

3. A sinking feeling

Wait there was a Kardashian mobile game?

2. Slow things down

I’m curious to know what this even means.

1. My condolences

It’s a stale joke anyway, friend.

If you haven’t had a great day at work, try not to worry about it too much. Maybe these examples made you feel better?

What’s a screw up you’ve encountered?

Tell us in the comments.

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