Waiters Share the Most Insane Things They’ve Overheard at Their Tables

Waiters must hear a ton of ridiculous things every day with the flow of people in and out of their places of employment.

Check out these 26 Reddit stories from waiters and waitresses who overheard hilarious conversations and bizarre customer interactions.

1. No ifs, ands, or butts about it

I had a summer job at a seafood place around the Charleston area. I seat this couple who were pretty funny. Anyways, I bring them their drinks and ask if they’re ready to order. I can’t remember what the husband ordered, but the wife didn’t like it. So he looks at her and says “Woman, I’ll still eat that butt of yours when you eat chili, so don’t give me no crap for ordering what I want”. She immediately replied “Harvey, I just need you to shut the hell up”. Then they both started laughing. Best table ever. And they tipped me like $20.

2. Clearly a bad girl

I saw a mother take her knife and with the flat part of it, whack the hand of her 2 year-old child because she was drawing something with her left hand. She yelled at her “No, use your right hand. Good girls don’t write with their left hand.”

This was as I was standing there taking their order and writing with my left hand.

3. You read that right

My favorite was a group of nurses. Pouring waters as one says the sentence “So a guy came in for an adult circumcision yesterday…”

Never ask a nurse about their day. It was worse than yours.

4. Princess Mommy

I approached a table with a family of five to take their order. Two adults and three kids from about 5 to 10 or so. One of the kid starts to say something and the father cuts him off by saying “Don’t say another word Peter. Nobody says a thing until princess Mommy makes up her mind and decides what she wants for dinner.” Followed by long awkward silence and me leaving.

5. Clown, ’nuff said

Party of five or six, it’s a group of friends having dinner. In walks a clown. Clown starts randomly walking around the restaurant doing balloon animals for kids and stuff like that. I have no idea what is going on, we didn’t hire this guy.

He walks over to the table of 5 or 6 and selects a man from the table to perform a magic trick for. He did the trick, a small flash of smoke and fire happens and then magically there is an engagement ring on a rope. The man takes the ring and the woman gets on her knees and asks the man to marry her. The man says no, tells her to get up and they continue dinner. This table now has the attention of the entire restaurant (like 300-400 people on our busiest night). Everybody just turned away and started awkwardly eating like nothing happened.

6. I hope you would

Shucker at an oyster bar here. So other than all the obvious terrible jokes I get, I can say, without a doubt, the most messed up thing I’ve ever heard was a man sitting with a woman who was getting more and more distraught and the man looks at her and says “Look, I told you when this whole thing started if I had to choose between you or my wife I’m picking my wife”.

7. Billy Bob dreams

I waited tables for 10 years at this small family owned restaurant in rural Ohio that had a “famous” sandwich. It was on a few Food Network shows and stuff like that.

A family comes in. Mom, dad, two little kids. I take their drink orders and as I am getting the drinks, the dad pulls me aside.

Dad: “My son is obsessed with Billy Bob Thorton. We told him that Billy Bob comes here and eats from time to time, so could you just play along.”

Me: “Yeah of course, no problem.”

I return with the drinks and the son, who is about 5 years old, starts asking me questions about Billy Bob Thorton. Like what he orders, if he is nice, stuff like that. I make stuff up, because I want a good tip and don’t want to ruin this little kids life. He is so excited to hear that Billy Bob comes to the same place he is at.

I can only imagine other scenarios where Billy Bob Thorton has appeared in this kid’s life.

8. Double up

I was at the bar, not waiting tables, but I have two stories. The first was a couple that sat down directly in front of where I was washing glasses. This was during the NBA Finals so I thought it was a bit odd they seemed so sad while everyone else was enjoying the game. They spent at least 4 hours there and from what I was able to hear they were discussing having another kid to fix their relationship. I guess she had cheated on him because she felt ’empty’ but didn’t want to end their relationship as they already had kids together. The guy was clearly very upset but said he’d support her if this is what she wanted.

The other was last week during a huge fundraiser we hosted. A group of 3 or 4 ladies were noticeably uncomfortable and when I asked if they were okay they told me that one of them had a stalker who constantly shows up at her house, work, and calls her repeatedly. He just showed up to the bar. She had threatened to call the police if he didn’t leave her alone, so what did he do? Naturally, he bought her a drink as an apology.

9. Read the manual

When I was a waiter, people often pretended that I wasn’t there. The stories they told were amazingly personal. One woman at a table of 6 lunching ladies told the story of how her husband was recently prescribed viagra. “He took it like a vitamin – 1 pill every morning. He kept having erections at work and didn’t understand why.”

10. Dying

Late one night I had this couple who were maybe in their late 30s. The guy looked a tough guy.

From the moment they came in, the woman was crying the whole time. Not like, a little bit crying but straight up bawling. She hadn’t talked to me the entire time, but the guy was very chatty. He explained to me how he had just found out that he only had a few months left to live and how she, his “angel” was gonna take care of his boy for him and all this crap. Anyway, I felt pretty genuinely bad cause that’s a pretty sad thing to hear.

Then I saw them come in again over a year and a half later…. Acting totally normal. They didn’t remember me, but how do you forget the face of someone that told you they were dying?

11. That’s cuz you can’t

Ex waiter. I’m walking down a long hallway carrying a tray of food. A kid comes running from a perpendicular hallway and run face first into the wall without putting his hands up. He starts crying. The dad walks behind him very calmly and kneels down and says, “Buddy, you just can’t go running into walls.”

12. Apples and spaghetti

I sat a table of three: a mom, her daughter, and her grandma.

After sitting, Grandma left to order spaghetti at the Italian place next door.

Mom seemed to be having an existential crisis. I asked her what she wanted to drink.

“I don’t know,” she said.

“Can I get you some water?” I asked.

“I don’t know.”

“Do you want me to come back later?”

“I’m not sure.”

The daughter, who was getting impatient, stood up on her chair.

“Hey!” she said. “I’ll have you know. I want apples!”

“But first I have to get you something to drink. Would you like some water?”

“I want apples!”

Grandma ate Italian food in silence while Mom stared at a menu for an hour and a half and the daughter ate apples. When they finished, Mom paid, and they left. She tipped well, considering all they bought was $.50-worth of apple slices.

13. Nothing in life is free

“I heard if you complain here you get your meal for free”

I sidled by and politely told her that wasn’t the case.

14. A happy meal

My Mom and I went to a restaurant in a town we were visiting, and we were seated close by a family just sitting down to dinner. As soon as they sat down, the waitress asked if they wanted a drink. Dad and Mom ordered wine and son looks at waitress and then blurts out to his parents “I’m gay.”

Waitress leaves. Parents look at their son and then look at each other. Mom then asks Dad what he is thinking of having to eat. Son again exclaims “I’m gay.” Parents look at him deadpan and say in unison, “we know”. Then waitress came and took our orders and I didn’t hear what happened next. But they stayed and enjoyed their meal and seemed to be fine with each other.

15. Happily ever after

Heard a group of 3 women talking about how each of their 4th/5th/ whatever many marriages are going and how they treat marrying for money as their career.

One of them paid with their newest husband’s black AMEX card.

Take a Look at These Photos of Celebrities Before They Were Famous

One of the biggest drawbacks of life in this digital age is that anything you post will stay online indefinitely. People can easily dig up the embarrassing photos of your youth, before you understood style and/or fully grew into your own body.

The digital age also makes it a lot easier to share embarrassing photos of days gone by, as long as someone else does the work of digging up those photos from physical archives. Which is what we did for you with these 10 celebrity photos from before they were household names. So, all you’ve got to do is enjoy and share.

#1. Elon Musk

Photo Credit: Instagram,elonmusk

Who comes to mind when you think of the most innovative minds in the world today? That list is bound to include South African businessman Elon Musk. The entrepreneur is the founder of Tesla, Inc. and SpaceX, and is one of the most successful and wealthiest people on the planet.

He was born in Pretoria, South Africa in 1971 to a South African father and a Canadian mother. He was frequently bullied as a youngster. Musk started on his career path early and taught himself computer programming at the age of 12. He moved to Canada to attend college at the age of 17. After earning his college degree, he started a Ph.D. program at Stanford but dropped out after only two days to focus on a career as an entrepreneur.

Musk has been the brains behind many projects throughout the years but it is his more recent work that has garnered him more attention. He launched SpaceX in 2002. His Tesla, Inc. endeavors promise to (hopefully) revolutionize the auto industry. Tesla’s designs for passenger cars as well as heavy trucks are revolutionary and aerodynamic. Time will tell if Musk’s various ideas pan out, or just remain the concepts of a very imaginative individual.

19 Stories That Prove Karma is a Real Bitch

They say what goes around comes around, and having grown up in the Hindu tradition, the concept of karma has always been a part of my life. I always try my best to treat others with kindness for exactly that reason.

While karma may not always happen as immediately as we’d like, it catches up to everyone eventually. Don’t believe me? Check out these 19 AskReddit users who shared these stories of terrible bullying – followed by lip-smackingly satisfying karmic revenge:

1. Quick Turnaround 

I once got punched in the pregnant stomach by my ex-fiancee (not the father of my baby). I told him that I hope he got hit by a car. Three days later I found out that he gotten hit by a truck while riding his bicycle to a friend’s house. He survived but had to have extensive surgery to correct his broken bones and save his life. He was uninsured so now he’s stuck with crippling hospital debt from being in ICU and having surgery. I did not have to wait very long for that one.

2. True Irony

There was a kid at my secondary school who used to mercilessly bully the kids in Learning Support.

Being a small school, they converted the old caretaker’s house into a safe environment for the people with learning difficulties to take certain lessons and receive support. It allowed a sorta half mainstream half specialist school environment for them.

Anyways this guy dropped out of school at 16 after 5 or so years of smoking around the back of this house and bullying the kids in LS.

3 years go by and he ends up being shot in the head by a modified air rifle. He now has some brain damage, memory and dexterity issues…and the only place he can retake GCSE’s is the same old house he spent years prowling outside to bully disabled kids.

3. No-Good Teacher

My English teacher in my 11th grade high-school English class fucked my entire life over in some strange way. She basically accused me of plagiarizing a paper in class. Honest to God I did not do it.

She called me a liar to my face, and ruined a lot of my life for a few good years. She reported the incident to the administration, and she tried to make them take legal action. But all I ended up getting was expulsion. My school took this stuff really seriously.

In the long run, it basically caused me to lose five or six scholarships that I really needed for college. I ended up having to go to community college. Nothing wrong with it, but she basically killed any chances I had at become a doctor (childhood dream, spent all of high school prepping for it.) I got most of my general stuff out of the way, and I have a great job now giving out loans at a bank. It pays well enough, but I don’t live any grand life, and I am not a doctor. On top of that most of my friends made fun of me for years about it.

One year after she accused me, her husband cheated on her. The year after I graduated, she got fired for being drunk on the job. About a month ago, the best thing ever happened. Guess who walked into the bank and asked for an extension on the loan she just recently took out to pay for her house? And guess who got the extension denied?

Needless to say, karma related or not. It was one of the highlights of my life!

4. “He should never have said no to me at all”

I was one of the least popular kids in my high school by far. I was too nerdy for even the nerds to hang out with. I spent most of my time with the outcasts.

I knew it was bad but I had a crush on a football player. (Can you blame me? What nerd didn’t?) I decided for once to take charge and do something for myself.

I asked him out.

He laughed in my face and told me I was too ugly for anyone to ever date. Called me ‘crow face’ which was a lovely nickname that caught on for a long time. Because of this, I had such awful self esteem and well into my 20s, I still couldn’t ask anyone out and even now still get to embarrassed sometimes. He ruined my self esteem completely.

After high school I began doing modeling gigs and cosplay events. I felt great and looked amazing.

Not too long after these shoots started popping up online, he messaged me on facebook telling me how gorgeous I looked and that he should have never said no to me at all.

I then got to calmly explain to him the years of self esteem issues I’d suffered from him and how I always pictured him humiliating me in front of our high school any time I wanted to ask someone out.

5. Two Decades Later

When I was about 8 and my brother was 11, he got in trouble for punching a kid in the face on the school bus (my brother claims he was defending someone else…I don’t really remember it all that clearly). My brother paid the price, was banned from the bus for a while, faced repercussions at school, and my Mom made him apologize to the kid he punched in person. A couple of months after the incident, the mother of the kid he sued my parents for mental anguish, claiming that her son now had crippling emotional problems stemming from the incident. She showed up at board meetings, tried to get my brother expelled, painted a picture of my family as shady and my brother as a delinquent and violent.

My parents ended up escaping the legal battle with a little bit of dignity intact, but feeling ostracized in our community of 90 people.

Fast forward…I’m now 27, my brother is 30. My Mom sends a newspaper clipping to him in the mail…it’s the indictment of the mom from our childhood. Come to find out, she had been embezzling money from her employer for 5 years…totaling more than $50,000. May have taken two decades, but she finally got what was meant for her.

6. “I had grown and changed so much, and he had stayed exactly the same”

A boy at school was an absolute asshole to me and my group of friends. I was raised as a fairly introverted kid, and thus gravitated to people of a like mind. He could basically smell the pacifism on us and exploited it to no end. Kicked the crap outta my friends and I every chance he got, humiliated us in front of the class, basically assigned us to the lowest social rungs for most of our schooling year. The relentless intimidation and thuggery reduced me to start hiding in my shell. I would prefer to read in the library than play or eat during lunch, lest his roaming bring us into contact again. Without a word of a lie, I read over 300 novels by the time I had finished school, and had sparked a life-long obsession with literature.

My own bio-father was a bully and violent, and it burned into me a deep-seated hatred of anyone who resorts to preying upon the weak. Daily I would fantasize about murdering him, or at least crippling him so he could know what it is like to be helpless. It is wrong, I know, but until you are in that situation, you never know. Leaving school and going to university led me to be a much more confident person, and I slowly learnt that you can be confrontational without someone being violent to you.

Fast forward to some 8 years after school. One Friday afternoon he walked into my place of business looking for something we sell, and (due to the nature of our business) revealed that since leaving school, he had been caught stealing a car, gone to juvenile prison (due to age), got busted for drug possession, more convictions etc., and been living at no fixed address. (I am in Australia, so the courts can be pretty weak and forgiving sometimes. Not that I care in this case. That he got some punishment is enough for me). We were his last chance for this particular product.

Before you judge too quickly, we had been at a fairly expensive private school, so he wasn’t exactly a down-on-his luck hobo to begin with – he had just never once stopped making bad decisions despite the opportunities given to him.

I projected an outwardly professional demeanor, (internally gladly and gleefully) and denied him service, and sent him dejectedly on his way. (I was required by policy, and had no actual authority over the choice, but it still felt good).

The best part? He didn’t recognize me. He looked at the man serving him, and only saw a man. I had grown and changed so much, and he had stayed exactly the same.

Looking back, it may be bad karma for me to take such pleasure in this. However, it gives me hope that sometimes the bad guy loses in the films AND in real life. I suffered a fucked up school/social life for 8 years because of him, and do not regret feeling some schadenfreude at his demise.

7. Facebook Friends

A guy I went to high-school with ‘friended’ me on Facebook. He was caught stealing from my house once back then, bragging about it to mutual friends (whom he thought would not tell me). After the incident we never spoke, although we had the same circle of friends, I kept my distance, he kept his.

Flash forward 20 years to now and we were ‘friends’ on Facebook. I have a pretty cool job in the music industry, good money and I travel the world. I usually add these former ‘friends’ just so they can see my life turned out pretty awesome while most of them are in our old home town working shit jobs…anyway.

He updated his status saying that he was devastated that someone stole something from his son and karma this, blah blah blah. Amongst all the posts from his friends being sorry for him, I simply wrote something like ‘Yeah, it’s really terrible when someone steals from you eh? That must really suck. Karma does have its way of evening things out though.’ I immediately started getting PMs from mutual friends congratulating me, who remembered the incident in school. He ‘un-friended’ me after that to my extreme pleasure.

8. Growth Spurt

I was a really small freshman in high school (like 5’2″) and looked like I was probably 12. I was always picked on for being the smallest. I transferred to a private school and fast forward 3 years and I go to a party with all the kids from my old school. I see one of the kids that always had it out for me because he was bigger at the time. Im now 6’1″, obviously a lot bigger than before. So he talks some shit to me and I give it back. He shoves me and without even thinking I one punch ko’d this dbag in front of about 80 people. Everyone thought I was a hero and then smoked some bowls with old friends. Great night.

9. Online Dating

This dick who used to torture me when I was in 7th grade, insisted I was ugly and should kill myself, is now on OkCupid. A few weeks ago, before I got into a relationship, he asked if we went to school together and told me I was hot. He didn’t recognize me, clearly, but it was delicious to know he’d been searching for months and no one was biting.

10. “Bullying sucks” 

I befriended a larger red headed girl when I was in grade 3 or 4. She was new to the school, everyone had their own friends and no one accepted her. I didn’t have many friends so I gladly accepted her. We became best friends. Fast forward to middle school. She was still large but got boobs and wore makeup, so she became popular. I was still a way too tall and too thin awkward girl with a lisp. Everyone made fun of me and she joined in so she could be cool. It got worse and worse until she started instigating it, would circle beat me with other girls and egg my house.

Fast forward again to high school. I filled out a bit and got better friends. About half way through grade 11 people started realizing how mean and fake she had become and turned on her. She was crying in the hall one day and I went up to her, asked if she was ok and offered my phone to her if she needed to call her mom. She transferred schools for grade 12 because she was being bullied. Funny thing is, I still feel bad for her. Bullying sucks.

11. Two Years

In 8th grade (age 13-14), this kid threw a wooden block at me, probably thinking, ‘Oh, let’s pick on the punk girl, that’ll be so hysterical!’ I blacked out for a good 10-15 seconds after it clocked me in the head. When I came to, he and his friends were all on the ground laughing at how funny this was. I ended up having to go to urgent care and not participate in gym class for a few days. His mom was on the school board and had a large role in the financial decisions of the school, so the administration was afraid to punish him and did nothing. My math teacher was this kid’s football coach and made him run extra while everyone else got to take a food/water break, but that was the only justice I got.

Fast forward two years: everyone is freaking out that this guy can’t play football for the JV team that year. He ended up spraining his back and breaking a few ribs from a drunken escapade into the woods the week before his sophomore year started, and the concussion that he sustained from this was severe enough that a second concussion could have caused serious mental damage.

Two years isn’t that long of a time, but considering there were witnesses and the kid should have been arrested and suspended at the very least, it seemed like a long time.

12. Dojo

A few years back I was the assistant manager at my karate studio. It was a slow, quiet day, when in walked Paul, my old bully from public school. I wasn’t sure at first, it had been a long time, and it was hard to tell.

I didn’t say anything. Paul was interested in joining the dojo, and I showed him around, discussed pricing, etc. I didn’t treat him any differently than I would any other potential client.

At the end of the tour, Paul decided to join our dojo. We sat down in the office and he filled out the paperwork. When he wrote his name out on the application, I knew for sure that this was, indeed, my old bully. The guy who used to torment me every single weekday. Who made me kneel in dog shit.

I still didn’t say anything until after pre-paid me for an entire year’s membership. As I walked him to the door, I smiled.

‘I’m really looking forward to training with you.’ I smiled.

‘Thanks, me too,’ Paul said.

‘You don’t recognize me, do you?’

‘No, should I?’

‘Yes. We went to school together, Grade 3 through 8. You bullied me every day, and made my life miserable. Can’t wait to see you in class.’

Paul went white, and walked out without another word. And never walked back in. He willingly threw away a year’s membership payment, almost $500, rather than have to be in the same class with me.

13. Riding the Bus

A high school bully humiliated me on the bus. I was the last stop on the bus, so there was always a lack of seats. I got on the bus and spotted one empty seat next to someone. I walked over and sat next to him.

He turned to me and said ‘I didn’t say you could sit there.’ I replied ‘There were no other seats.’ I guess he didn’t care, because he repeated his previous statement. I just ignored him.

Then he shouted at the top of his lungs ‘GET OUTTA MY SEAT!’ I was taken aback. I couldn’t believe he just shouted that on the bus at me, the situation felt surreal. I saw everyone on the bus start to look in my direction.

I froze up. I started weighing my options. I knew I couldn’t take this guy in a fight. As you should be able to tell from this situation. As I’m still pondering what to do, he shouts again ‘I SAID, GET THE OUTTA MY SEAT!’

Then before I can find a way out, he kicks me out of the seat. I stand up in the middle of the bus and I’m met with roaring laughter from all the other kids on the bus.

The bully stands up ready to fight, and I just walk away. Even if I was able to beat him in a 1 on 1 fight, I knew he was the type to come back the next day with 5 of his friends to beat you to a pulp.

I walked to the back of the bus and sat [there]. I wasn’t about to let things end like that though. So, I planned for my revenge. I started catching the city bus to school, instead of the school bus to avoid further humiliation. Things blew over eventually and everyone forgot about that incident…but I didn’t.

I waited until one day, I saw that bully on the bus with a grill lighter smoking weed. Then he took the grill lighter and smacked a guy in the face with it, and he started crying. I knew this was my chance.

I created an anonymous email address and sent an email to my school officials. I told them about the bully smoking weed on the bus and smacking that kid in the face with a grill lighter. I made sure not to say anything that could give my identity away. That way, no one would know who ‘tattled.’

The school investigated the issue and found the evidence they needed from eye witness testimonies on the bus. That bully was expelled from school and I was free to ride the bus in peace.

14. New School

When I was 8 my parents moved us out of our hometown to a place with some room, couple of fields that type of thing, not more than ten minutes out of town, but because of the district boundaries I had to switch to a new school. The new school was about 1/8 the size of my previous school and all the other kids had been going to school since grade 1 or something together (hell they could of been friends before starting school for all I know) and here is the new kid in grade 3 with them and they didn’t like me…for whatever reason. It started harmlessly enough but over the next 2 years thing escalated quickly from the random name calling, a couple of pushy shovey matches to rocks being thrown at a bus stop.

My parents had always told me fighting is not the answer and I stuck to that while keeping my mouth shut about the bullying, until my little sister got hit in the face with a rock and had her forehead cut open. Everything came out after that incident and the teachers? Didn’t do a thing. My father finally had had enough and told me the next time someone [messed] with me I was to fight back, no matter what. So that started a 2 year war with me going home at least once a week suspended for fighting with someone, I got knocked around a bit at first but quickly learned I had a natural ability for fighting. Things got worse, instead of fighting one on one it would be three or four of them. Once I got choked out from behind so bad I had bruises around my neck and I had basically lost consciousness when a parent finally saw and broke it all up. Two kids got a talking to from the cops and nothing more was done, It took actual death threats from one of the kids that was bothering me the most on my parents answering machine to have him expelled from school. Once Douchebag got expelled things calmed down.

Fast forward 3 or 4 years…we are in high school, douchebag from before basically is a burnout first year doesn’t do much, gets suspended, doesn’t show up much. I don’t touch drugs, do my homework and play sports (hockey, football, rugby). The odd time he has harassed me but nothing too major I shrug it off, I’m coming into my own in high school, good group of friends etc. To this day I don’t know what possessed him to do this but myself and a few friends were outside at a party our senior year and I am looking at my friend talking and he shouts ‘watch out’ and I instinctively try to duck and luckily bring my shoulders up a bit, caught a baseball bat to the shoulder, which jumped up and smashed me in side of the face on a glancing blow. I went down to one knee, majorly rattled but still mostly with it and turned around too find douchebag holding a bat and looking at me like ‘how are you even still conscious?’ At this point, I lose my [mind], came off the floor with a righteous upper cut that knocked him on his [butt] and then jumped on him and rained down I’m told upwards to 40-50 punches while he feebly tried to block. Finally some people who came to their sense hauled me off him.

The final result was interesting, I ended up with a very nasty bruise on the side my face and shoulder, hurt like hell. Went for X-rays nothing was broken etc. luckily. Dbag on the other hand ended up with a broken nose, lost 3 teeth, fractured jaw, and countless cuts, two HUGE black eyes, and a ruptured the blood packages on the side of his eyes. The cops never got involved and that was the last time he ever, well anyone actually, ever fucked with me in high school.

Fast forward a couple of more years(8 more like it) , last time I had heard dbag was hooked on crack, selling it and sold 5 kg to an undercover cop and is in prison for 5-10 years. Karma is GREAT.

15. They deserve each other…

My college roommate secretly slept with my boyfriend while I was at class for a year (I routinely took more than a full course load and was in math/science classes or study groups every morning). One day I walked in on them screwing when class was cancelled. Moved out. More angry at her than heartbroken. Lost most of my friends through the breakup.

Fast forward 5 years later: those 2 throw an expensive engagement party at the guy’s parents’ beach house (attended by some still-mutual friends). She caught him boning one of the waitresses for the catering company in a bathroom before the toasts. They still got married.

16. “She screwed herself”

My mom treats me worse than my younger brothers, and it eventually always bites her. My favorite is the time she saw it coming.

See, when we were teens, my brothers were always allowed to borrow my mother’s car, but I wasn’t. My grandmother even warned my mother that she would need me one day and I’d tell her no. Mom blew her off because why would she need me, and it’s not in my nature to say no.

Fast forward a few years later when I have a car and my mom gets into an accident that leaves her temporarily car-less. Mom never asked to borrow my car even though she wanted to because she knew I had every right to say no, and she admitted it and apologized because she screwed herself over not being nicer to me as a teen.

The thing is, it’s not in my nature to say no. If she had asked, I would have said yes. Her guilt was the karma.

17. CYANIDE & HAPPINESS GUY!

True story. I got bullied for roughly seven years straight daily when I was in secondary school (second level education in the UK/Ireland, taken from the ages 11-18). I had kids tell me I should die and I was emotionally destroyed by everyone who treated me like the most useless, void piece of crap. I didn’t feel like I should exist. I sat at home contemplating just ending it a lot.

I always loved art, drawing and writing. During my adolescence I retreated to the Internet. I didn’t want to go to clubs where those people were, yet could still talk to people. I started posting animated Flash cartoons and comics to other people who were like me for critique. Due to the bullying directed at me, I developed a rather sad sensibility towards life and an ability to quickly come back verbally at anyone who wanted to give me abuse. It was a defense mechanism for sure, but the tone shown through in the animations and comics that I drew. Through all that, I met friends and eventual co-workers.

I now draw a cartoon called ‘Cyanide & Happiness.’

The local papers write about me. That school held an assembly in my honor once recently (I was told this by a friend who now works there). I live overseas and Jonathan Ross comes to hang out with me at Comic-Con every year, where again pictures of us appear in the local paper. My former bullies know all about this. The particularly bad ones now either avoid me in bars now or try to be my best mate, and I walk around my home town beaming.

There was one kid in particular who would stand behind me in assembly every morning (each year – grade to Americans – was arranged into a line in the main hall) and headbutt me in the back of the head for a laugh with the others around me. The back of my head was severely bruised for months at a time, and early on it’d leave me in tears with the physical pain and lack of respect for me. I’d dread every morning. I’d hear them behind me snickering and discussing whether he should do it or not. I couldn’t turn around to stop them, because then I’d get yelled at by teachers for not paying attention to the front. I’d have my hand at the back of my head to protect myself. I’d hear him say ‘c’mon Dave, put your hand down. You’re safe.’ I’d eventually relent and he’d do it anyway. They’d laugh. I’d turn around and ask him to please not do that, because my head was in so much pain from the trauma he’d dealt it before. He said okay, whilst smirking. I’d turn around, I’d hear them snickering and he’d do it. Again. This went on for around two years. That kid is now a hardcore drug addict, and doing very poorly in life.

Feels good man.

18. Cheating Ex

This girl I was dating in college decided to break up with me, saying that she couldn’t handle a relationship at the time. 2 days later, she came running back to me in tears, talking about how she’d made a huge mistake leaving me, and blah blah blah. Me being a sucker for emotions, took her back, and tried to put it in the past.

A couple of weeks later, we have plans to go out, but she calls to cancel at the last minute because she was feeling really sick. I decided to surprise her by bringing her a nice home cooked meal of Chicken Soup and Mashed Potatoes. When I show up at her apartment, I can hear her having sex from the hallway. I pound on her door as hard as I can, and when she answers it, sure enough, she’s wrapped in a robe with her ex boyfriend naked in the living room. I leave the food, tell her to go to hell, and leave.

Fast forward a few months, and I’m at a party, and she’s there with all her friends and some new boy. Any time we were in the same room, she would grab him and start passionately trying to suck his face off to make me jealous (I knew this was her move, because she used me to do it to other guys a couple of times). Later on, her best friend comes up to me (while she’s doing her whole jealousy thing), and asks if I wanna come back to her place. We walk out together without her even noticing. Let’s just say revenge sex is the best kind of sex ?

19. “Wannabe gangster”

I’m a stout guy and I can fight, and nobody messed with me in school. I never messed with anybody else either. However, I took classes for part of the day at another school in downtown Indianapolis, and for some reason, one guy there wanted to start trouble. He and his wannabe gangster friends would mess with me, hang out by my car, etc., trying to get me to fight. I wasn’t interested in a one on five fight, or any fight really, since I was graduating in a few months.

I just ignored the guy, told him to fuck off and it wasn’t going to happen. Eventually he dropped it and tried being nice to me. Didn’t work. Anyway, a few years later, I went to the Yankee Candle store at the mall to get my mom a candle for Christmas. I’m waiting in line, and the guy working the register looks familiar. Took a few minutes to place him, then I realized who he was. When I walked up I kinda smirked, and when he took my debit card to swipe it and saw my name, the look on his face was priceless. Guess he didn’t think he’d be recognized in a different town working a job at 22 years old for $8 an hour. It was sweet.

Thanks for reading!

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20+ Class Clowns Who Successfully Took on “The Man”

Every school has at least one: the class clown, the cutup, the jokester. The guy or gal who has an uncanny ability to say the exact right thing at the exact right time to make everyone burst out laughing.

These stories from AskReddit users will make you laugh and fondly remember your own class clown. Or perhaps it was you!

1. A whole garbage bag?

A dude in my math class brought in a garbage bag full of donuts once. Like, 20 minutes after the class started he just breezes in with this magical bag of pastries.

2. Legends of Clowns Past

Not in my time, but legends in my school:

We had a weird old building that was added to a half dozen times. Outside of the third floor windows there’s a narrow ledge of the 2nd floor roof a couple of feet down, but you can’t really see it unless you stick your head out and look straight down.

One day the class had a sub. Since it was May the school windows were wide open (no screens either since these were ancient windows and school isn’t in session during summer bug season.) In the middle of class, a student gets up, yells that he’s “sick of life”, and jumps out of the window… (The student then walked over to a window in the adjoining hall and climbed back inside)

Another time during typing the students knew the typewriters were getting replaced at the end of the year. So when they had a sub with a couple of days left in the semester, a student just randomly stood up and say’s he’s sick of typing and throws the typewriter out the window.

And finally there was a teacher that without exception would come in five minutes late, then would stomp on the papers in the wastebasket. One day the students quickly emptied it, ran down to the restroom and filled it with water, and then floated some crumpled papers on top.

During my time four of my classmates including the class clown “borrow” a car from a friend of one of their mothers, then head to Reno over MEA weekend (a four day weekend for a teachers convention in my state). they get as far as western Wyoming before being pulled over for speeding. The friend didn’t press charges but they spent the weekend in jail until the parent of one of them could fly out there and get them. If this sounds mild, consider this was a private, conservative school. The school suspends them for a day and then they’re back in class on Tuesday.

3. I like this one

Jumped out of a 3rd floor window to go get a better view of a fight happening in the parking lot. This was the end of June so everyone was getting a little insane by that point. He was always nuts though. Now he’s a father with like 3 or 4 children, unreal.

4. Okay…

Hid live chickens in lockers.

5. Public execution

He got expelled for holding a public hanging of a teddy bear in the 1st grade classroom. He even brought rope for the noose. The 1st grade was not amused.

6. Good on so many levels

He recited the “friends, Romans, countrymen” monologue for class but dressed up in a suit and delivered it like a southern Baptist preacher. The funniest part was that he was Jewish

7. …Ouch

Came to school during​ school spirit week( a week where we had a more relaxed dress code if it had to do with school spirit) wearing nothing but boxers and duct tape in the schools colors.

8. In hiding

Hid inside a cabinet and made random noises when the teacher was teaching and the teacher was getting mad thinking it was this other kid and was about to write him a referral and wouldn’t believe him when he said it wasn’t him and it some kid in the cabinet.

9. Just like Jeff Spicoli

Pretty sure it’s not the wildest thing he did, but the best thing he did was ask to be dismissed in the middle of class, then came back 10 mins later with a full pizza meal combo (including an order of garlic bread bites for me). He then proceeded to turn to the unbemused teacher and stated “I found this in the bathroom”.

10. Bang!

He duct taped a condom over the assistant commandant’s exhaust pipe. He started driving away, it inflated to the size of a beach ball and sounded like a shotgun when it finally popped.

11. Now that’s commitment

Crapped their pants on purpose when the teacher wouldn’t let him go to the bathroom until break time.

12. Savage

A kid was bragging to the teacher that he had a girlfriend (this conversation was in front of a class of 30). He was talking tough like he was the greatest player in the world. Calling himself a true master of the ladies.
The teacher asked him “where did you guys meet?”
Then out of nowhere, the class clown shouts: “page four of male escorts on Craigslist.”
Still the most savage remark I’ve ever heard. Kids were falling out of their chairs from laughter. The kid looked like his soul was ripped out.

13. Foghorn

Our class clown had the two wonderful abilities of being able to play the baritone sax and circular breathe. School talent show. He enters. What does he do? Blows a super long low A note for ten minutes straight without stopping. Like one, long low, note. Like a foghorn. And he made everyone sit there, while he blew this long, loud shaking note. That was a fun talent show.

14. Stuck

Superglued his head to the desk

15. Teach

Our class clown wasn’t a student, rather the teacher.

Our teacher for units 3&4 Physics (VCE in Victoria, Australia) was a well known larrikin. Found every excuse he could to teach us with experiments involving liquid nitrogen, sodium, and other such dangerous things. The school had actually banned him from using potassium in this “experiments” because he had set a room on fire by accident. All the danger aside, he was the most engaging teacher I have ever had and I learnt so much from him.

Towards the end of my graduating year, my whole class (about 10 people) were all 18 years old, and so we would go to the local pub for lunch every Friday for a counter meal and a drink. We happened to have a double period of Physics after lunch and accidentally stayed past the start of class. Fifteen minutes into the period, and the most responsible girl in our class gets a call from our teacher.
“Were are you guys? Class started 15 minutes ago”
“Sorry, teachers name, we went to the pub for lunch and lost track of time”
“Are you all there? Do any of you have a text book?”
“Uh, yeah?”
“Give me five minutes”

Sure enough, 5 minutes later, He turns up and proceeds to run us through our lesson, in the pub, with the caveat that it was not to happen again. As far as I know, He somehow retroactively passed it off as some sort of last minute excursion and because we were all legally adults, we didn’t need to get our parents permission.
Truly a madman.

16. CHAOS

As a senior prank, he left a morning class to “use the bathroom”; instead, he went out to the parking lot where his older brother (who had already graduated) was parked with a moving van. They re-entered, bringing with them several cages containing at least 30 live squirrels, which they proceeded to set loose all over inside the school, as well as HUNDREDS of golf balls. When the bell rang and that period ended, it was fucking CHAOS in the hallways.

17. A good one to end with

I was a student teacher in a middle school and had to monitor a study hall during the last period of the day. The kids sat at tables in the lunch room, so the place was pretty disgusting and most of the students were antsy because they just wanted to go home. One day a group of 6 guys all had their hands up so I went over to see what they wanted.

They told me there was something wrong with Brian — the class clown. I asked him if he was all right, but he just sat staring into space. I asked him again, and he opened his mouth but instead of answering, ten flies came out and wandered all over his face. He had pulled their wings off and then put them in his mouth.

18. Quiet time

High school chemistry. the troublemaker kid has been assigned the only seat by the window.

Chemistry teacher is going on and writing on the black board when the kid opens the window, makes a snowball, and zings it right past her head to hit the black board a few inches from her. She turns around and says “who threw that? who did it? I’m not teaching anymore until someone fesses up”

The window was still open, and he was the only person seated anywhere near it.
We had quiet time the rest of the day.

19. Disgusting AF

After class, he went to the bathroom and took a huge dump into his beanie.

Afterwards, he hung up the beanie in the wardrobe in front of the classroom, so the turd could hang there all night.

The next day, nobody wasn’t allowed to enter the building, due to an ‘unexplainable’ smell. The principle walked around the building to find the source of the smell. He came closer to the beanie, smelled on it, took it of and looked inside of it – he went home for the rest of the day afterwards.

20. “What a legend”

Dude went streaking from the far east side of the school, past the office, through the cafeteria, out the west doors.

He had a toque over his junk at first but that fell off at some point.
He came out the west doors with his junk in his hand screaming “I CAN’T BELIEVE I MADE IT THIS FAR!!”, jumped into his friend’s getaway jeep and rode off.

Fucking beautiful. What a legend, man.
Teachers used to just walk away when he started acting up, I can vividly recall each teachers “I am not dealing with this shit today” expression every time they interacted with him. ?
I miss him

21. Never heard this one before

I knew a guy who brought a prostitute to prom. It was pretty damn funny when I heard about it, but he was a couple years older.

22. That’s horrifying

Drank some milk, turned his eyelids inside out, squirted milk out of his tear ducts.

Still to this day the most disturbing thing I have ever seen in person.

23. TP

In high school our class clown wrapped the principles car completely in toliet paper.

24. Flock of seagulls

Our class was on the ground floor and the window faced our soccer field, and on that rainy day we saw a huge flock of seagulls just hanging out on the grass.
My friend raises her hand and asks to go to the washroom.

About a minute later, she’s outside running through the flock of seagulls waving her hands and yelling.

She came back inside a little winded and damp from the rain. We had a hard time not falling on the floor laughing.

The post 20+ Class Clowns Who Successfully Took on “The Man” appeared first on UberFacts.

This Tumblr Account Collects the Final Text People Got from Loved Ones

This Tumblr account collects the final text messages people ever received from a loved one – both from people who have passed away or from those no longer in their lives for other reasons.

The messages are oddly touching, occasionally spooky, but always a brief, poignant glimpse into humanity just before some of our most trying moments.

#1.

Photo Credit: Tumblr

“I don’t have a message, but this is the last picture I took with Mrs Brown whom was practically my grandmother. She became a patient and soon after a resident at my facility when I was working as an aid. We became close to the point where she would call me at home and I’d see her on my days off. I may have crossed that line a tad considering she was a patient there, but I didn’t care. She was my favorite person and we shared a lot and she gave me the best advice and listened, which is what I needed.
Our administration told me our friendship was in appropriate and thought it was best I didn’t contact Mrs Brown. My DON went as far to lie to me and tell me that her family didn’t want me around her. At all.
Long story short, she declined when they stopped our contact and she died on September 28th. I didn’t get a chance to say goodbye. They fired me that day.
It was a complete innocent friendship with no mal intent or sick motive or anything of the sort.
I know the DON was lying about the family because the family had single handedly requested for my participation at her memorial.
I miss her so much. She was so understanding and so honest and so happy. She was 92.

I pray you’re looking down on me Helen. I loved you like a mother. I wish this never happened.”

#2.

Photo Credit: Tumblr

“My dad died 6 weeks later flying the plane in this picture.”

#3.

Photo Credit: Tumblr

“My good friend’s dad died around Thanksgiving. Two weeks later he drank himself to death.”

 #4.

Photo Credit: Tumblr

“This is the last text I got from my mom before she died of Stage IV brain cancer at the age of 53. It left her completely paralyzed on the left side of her body, hence the typos in the texts. What she was saying was, “you’re missing music therapy” and “Almost as good as Good Friday church giggles.”

A few years prior to this, we went to the Good Friday service at our church. The choir was absolutely horrendous and couldn’t sing whatsoever. She and I sat there, in the most serious, somber church service of all, laughing hysterically, unable to stop for the life of us. She sent me this text while she was in hospice and I was in school.”

#5.

Photo Credit: Tumblr

 “She had sent me a message earlier asking me not to contact her anymore. I woke up to one last message. We’d dated for 3-5 years and when I came out as trans, the relationship fell apart. I still think about and miss her every day.”

#6.

Photo Credit: Tumblr

“I sent this to my grandpa on Thanksgiving. Two days later he unexpectedly had a heart attack and passed. He was my favorite person in the world and nothing has been the same since. I refuse to delete this message.”

#7.

Photo Credit: Tumblr

“The last text he sent me. The next day I got a call from his daughter that he was still very much with his wife and I wasn’t the only one he was cheating on her with.”

h/t: good.is

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