15 Funny Tweets About the Realities of Marriage

Isn’t it always like this? Husbands and wives going back and forth, making each other crazy and in love at the same time.

Hey, that’s life!

Let’s take a look at some hysterical tweets about married life in all its glory.

1. Can you please move?

My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.

— Jawbreaker (@sixfootcandy) September 3, 2019

2. How could you?

My wife just got mad at me for fast forwarding through a commercial because she wanted to use that time to look at her phone.

— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) October 11, 2019

3. Not anymore…

Wife: is that what you’re wearing?
Me: I guess not.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) February 3, 2019

4. Always listening.

I know it looks like my husband and I are eating in silence and ignoring each other, but we're eavesdropping on you so we can talk about you in the car.

— Some Boys' Mother (@someboysmother) May 29, 2019

5. An embarrassment to the family.

Please help. My husband just started running. He runs in jeans. With a belt. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I am so alone.

— Tawny Newsome (@TrondyNewman) October 16, 2019

6. A lot of deep sighs.

Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.

— Darla (@ddsmidt) January 16, 2019

7. Thank God for your wife.

Before marriage, I would sit at stop lights for hours because I had no one to tell me the light had changed to green.

— Chad Read (@squirrel74wkgn) February 8, 2019

8. I can’t pretend.

Husband: Could you have said that with a little less attitude?

Me: I could have but then I wouldn’t be the woman you married.

— Mom On The Rocks (@mom_ontherocks) November 17, 2019

9. I’ll sleep standing up tonight.

Wife laying diagonally across the middle of the bed.

Me: So… I’ll just stand over in the corner.

— Stone (@StoneAgeRadio13) January 30, 2019

10. A very confident man.

Oh to have the confidence of my husband who started a 2hr movie at 10:20pm.

— Snarky Mommy (@SnarkyMommy78) February 16, 2019

11. You can die first.

My wife heard a noise downstairs and woke me up to go check it out. Because apparently my life doesn't matter.

— karanbir singh (@karanbirtinna) August 24, 2019

12. From the grave.

[My funeral]

Husband: hey… what's our Amazon Prime password?

— Gregnog is vegan and delicious (@DaddyGrownup) September 18, 2019

13. Gonna be a shoot out.

Husband woke me up before my alarm.

We duel at sunset.

— *Lady V* (@tanbotha24) April 2, 2019

14. Has it really, though?

Me: I can’t believe we’ve been together for so long. The time has flown by.

Wife: Has it?

— Daddy’s Digest (@daddysdigest) March 31, 2019

15. That took a while.

[50 years from now]

*visiting husband’s grave*

“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”

— Jessie (@mommajessiec) February 25, 2019

Married life…you gotta love it!

Tell us a funny story about something your spouse has done recently. Let’s put them on blast!

The post 15 Funny Tweets About the Realities of Marriage appeared first on UberFacts.

January 6, 2020

15 Hilarious Tweets from Husbands About Married Life

Marriage…it’s lovely, isn’t it?

The love, the passion, the romance…the getting yelled at to clean up your clothes all over the bedroom floor…

You know – the good stuff! Here are some very funny and very accurate tweets from husbands who have been there and done that.

1. You’re gonna need to back off.

Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.
Wife: But I only…
Me: EXACTLY the amount

— keith (@tchrquotes) November 4, 2014

2. A real tragedy.

[runs to the door to greet wife]
I'm afraid there's been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.

— David Hughes (@david8hughes) February 28, 2016

3. You’re the champ!

I didn’t even know I was the loudest cereal eater in the world until I got married.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) July 27, 2018

4. Here we are.

Wife: [reaches for the fries on my plate]

Me: [slides grocery divider between plates]

Wife: you said you didn’t take that from the store.

Me: and you said you didn’t want any fries but here we are.

— Oops!…I Dad It Again (@NewDadNotes) August 16, 2018

5. Isn’t that nice!

The Mrs and I have been married so long she can finish my sentences.
She also starts most of them and supplies the middle parts too.

— The Alex Nevil (@TheAlexNevil) April 12, 2016

6. You can’t win.

Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos

— Grant Tanaka (@GrantTanaka) March 16, 2015

7. Moments of terror.

I'm never more nervous than when I insist we're out of something and my wife goes to look for it herself.

— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) September 27, 2017

8. Those are too good for you.

Marriage is mostly about knowing which hand towels you can use and which ones are for the better people who visit your wife's home.

— Troy Johnson (@_troyjohnson) May 28, 2015

9. Can’t get out of that one.

I told my wife that my shoulder hurt too bad after lifting weights to run the vacuum so I learned how to vacuum lefthanded today.

— Stephen_With_A_Ph (@with_a_ph23) May 23, 2018

10. One of life’s mysteries.

I don't understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.

— Kent Graham (@KentWGraham) September 21, 2014

11. This guy is a real cut-up.

When my wife falls asleep in a public place, I shake her a little and yell, "DON'T YOU DIE ON ME!" People always clap when she wakes up.

— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) August 18, 2015

12. What were you thinking?

Relationship status: My wife asked me what I wanted for dinner and then told me I was wrong.

— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) February 22, 2016

13. Think the kids will notice?

My wife is frantically cleaning the house because we’re having a bunch of ten year olds over for a party, if you want to know the definition of a waste of time.

— FᎪᎢ ᏩᎪNᎠᎪᏞF (@sofarrsogud) August 26, 2018

14. I’m gonna need this in writing.

*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*

— Josh (@iwearaonesie) May 22, 2018

15. A whole new man.

my wife just dropped ‘your father’ in a sentence so I guess I better go change these relaxed fit cargo shorts to the serious slacks

— time and a glenn (@Glennot73) June 29, 2018

If you’re married, we want to hear from you!

Tell us something hilarious/embarrassing/ridiculous/annoying that your spouse did that you can’t get off your mind.

The post 15 Hilarious Tweets from Husbands About Married Life appeared first on UberFacts.

December 12, 2019

Married Folks Should Enjoy These Tweets About How ‘Date Night’ Changes After You Get Hitched

Do you emember those date nights before you got married? Those evenings were hot, sultry, and full of romance.

Now that you’ve tied the knot? Maybe not so hot anymore…

Sleep! Now that’s exciting!

Enjoy these hilarious tweets about how date night…kind of fizzles out after you get married.

1. So happy together.

wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together

— Grant Tanaka (@GrantTanaka) August 11, 2018

2. Sounds like a blast.

Last night I had a date night with my husband, and it was great to talk about what groceries we need, how our physical bodies are deteriorating and the acceptable ways to fold shit in a completely different setting which also cost us money

— Healthy Living for Hot Messes (@HLFHM) July 28, 2018

3. Hmmmmm…

Me after date night with Hubs: Ugh, I’m going to change into something more comfortable

*takes off going-out yoga pants, puts on staying-in yoga pants

— Housy Wife (@wife_housy) March 25, 2018

4. In sync.

My husband and I shouted at the kids to go back to bed at the same time and that’s the closest we’ve come to a date night in weeks.

— MotherPlaylist (@MotherPlaylist) September 13, 2018

5. That’s a date, right?

My husband asked if I wanted to go on a date & then we laughed & laughed & went to Costco.

— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) May 22, 2018

6. Maybe in 12 years.

Me: We should have a date night next weekend.

Wife: A babysitter will cost $150.

Me: We should have a date night when the kids move out.

— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 12, 2016

7. That is HOT.

[kids gone for the evening]
wife: DATE NIGHT???
me: DATE NIGHT!!!
[we fall asleep watching 60 minutes]

— Grant Tanaka (@GrantTanaka) October 16, 2017

8. Very romantic.

i'll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value

— Mr. Peel (@Rlpihl) November 19, 2015

9. Now you know.

DATING: I thought it was sad when I’d see a married couple at a restaurant not talking.
MARRIED: We carry on an entire conversation about the couple on a date at the table next to us using only our eyebrows.

— Amy Dillon (@amydillon) February 19, 2018

10. Oh, how things change.

Friday nights…

Single: I'm going to the bar!

Dating: Wanna go to the bar?

Married: Can I go to the bar?

Married w/ Kids: Pottery Barn?

— Will Rodgers (@WilliamRodgers) September 12, 2015

11. Doesn’t seem equal.

Me getting ready for date night:
Shower, make dinner for kids, try to put make up on, get kid a snack, try to put make up on again, do my hair, referee sibling fight, get dressed.

My husband:
Sits in a chair & asks why I’m not ready yet.

— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) August 5, 2018

12. Time to get $1.50 off.

[First Date]
I hope he brings me somewhere nice

[9 yr anniversary]

DID YOU USE THE CASH BACK ON DINING CARD? WHERE'S THE COUPON I GAVE YOU

— Lurkin' Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) September 24, 2017

13. Pay attention to the tenses.

My husband and I are going to dinner tonight and when we finished getting ready he was wearing shorts and a T-shirt and I am wearing a black dress.

Tenses are important in this tweet.

— Lady Lawya (@Parkerlawyer) August 11, 2018

14. Can we go home yet?

Date night mostly consists of checking the time for when the kids should be in bed so we can go back home

— Celeste Yvonne (@andwhatamom) July 26, 2017

15. A picnic at home.

It's 9:15 on Saturday night.

Pajamas?

Check.

Generic Oreos?

Check.

$6 champagne?

Check.

Married date night in progress. pic.twitter.com/Wdae0Q5c0p

— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 5, 2017

Tell us about your last date night with your spouse.

We want to hear the good, the bad, and the ugly!

The post Married Folks Should Enjoy These Tweets About How ‘Date Night’ Changes After You Get Hitched appeared first on UberFacts.

October 28, 2019

15 Hilarious Tweets That Get to the Heart of Married Life

Love lasts forever, right? Right?!?!

Suuuuuuuure it does.

ALRIGHT, maybe that’s not 100% true, which is why tweet lists like this are so darn funny.

Because if you’re married, or have been married, or maybe even thought about getting married at some point, these musings will ring a bell.

Okay, let’s dive in!

1. I don’t have access to it right now.

Wife: It's like every man on earth has to share one brain
Me: [can't think of a good comeback because it's not my turn to use the brain]

— Grant Tanaka (@GrantTanaka) March 6, 2016

2. It just never ends.

Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos

— Grant Tanaka (@GrantTanaka) March 16, 2015

3. Think she might be on to something?

My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.

It's hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth

— Josh (@iwearaonesie) October 10, 2014

4. Two kittens it is!

My wife wanted two kittens but I am the man in this house so we got two kittens

— Justin Guarini (@JustinGuarini) January 17, 2015

5. Don’t tell her about that.

wife: Why is your back all scratched up?
[flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone]
me: I'm having an affair

— Josh (@iwearaonesie) August 18, 2016

6. Not our problem…this time.

[out in public]

Me: A kid is crying.

Wife: It's not one of ours.

[we fist bump]

— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 13, 2015

7. Needs the proper attire.

WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He's getting married, Karen

— Evil Floyd (@dafloydsta) August 17, 2016

8. That is beautiful.

My wife and I hit an important marriage milestone.

We had a fight entirely in fridge magnets. pic.twitter.com/sUvXbe2Fnn

— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 4, 2015

9. Seems like a fair number.

Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife's is around $643.27. Apparently

— Boyd's Backyard (@TheBoydP) July 19, 2013

10. That’s a day-long process.

Sorry. I was late because I had to find all the things that were in plain sight for my husband.

— Housy Wife (@wife_housy) July 17, 2015

11. Just like Norman Bates.

*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it's just me- are we out of Cheetos?

— Josh (@iwearaonesie) February 24, 2016

12. Oooooo, that’s hot.

MARRIED SEXTING: I'm not wearing any underwear…because you never put the laundry in the dryer like I asked you to 100 flipping times.

— Christie Johnson (@cjohnsonking5) September 19, 2015

13. Wish we had some video of this.

When my wife falls asleep in a public place, I shake her a little and yell, "DON'T YOU DIE ON ME!" People always clap when she wakes up.

— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) August 18, 2015

14. Okay, it’s your call.

me: want me to make dinner
wife: nah it's ok honey, I know you're still tired from doing it back in 2003

— Grant Tanaka (@GrantTanaka) August 24, 2016

15. Now you know!

Before I got married I didn't even know there was a wrong way to put the milk back in the fridge

— Josh (@iwearaonesie) June 10, 2015

Some of those are a bit harsh, but what can you do?

That’s the way the cookie crumbles, right?

The post 15 Hilarious Tweets That Get to the Heart of Married Life appeared first on UberFacts.