Believe it or not, our panel of experts have been hard at work examining each of these tweets for quality, durability, and safety.

They have passed the most rigorous standards and received the highest levels of certification available in the industry.

By which I mean, I looked at them all and I laughed and now I’m showing them to you ’cause I feel like it.

You are most deeply welcome.

Check out these ten quality tweets that are fit to pass any inspection.

10. Breaking decent

Way to look on the bright side, I guess?

getting diagnosed with adhd as an adult owns cuz you get to walk into a doctor's office and have a guy with a medical degree tell you "aye boss you got diet autism and the cure is to microdose meth" lmfao

— m0rgan (@weedhitter) January 27, 2020

9. Coming to an arrangement

If you live in an apartment complex just know that your neighbors hate you now.

To be honest we got to the “re-arrange furniture to see how it looks” stage of quarantine a lot faster than I expected.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) March 18, 2020

8. Chunked up

I need to see your data and your research methodology, please.

i don't wanna be rude, but i've gathered enough info in my life to know that people who like chunky peanut butter like to be choked during sex

— David Veltri (@Veltrida) November 13, 2018

7. Getting a head

Maybe it’s an exciting new combination!

One of my favorite games to play is “is my headache from dehydration, caffeine withdrawal, lack of proper nutrition, my ponytail, stress, lack of sleep, not wearing my glasses or brain tumor?”

— parker (@pmilbs_) March 15, 2018

6. Just in time

Learning is for nerds.

Today I completed a chore I have been putting off for six months. It took 15 minutes. I will learn nothing from this.

— Ashley Nicole Black (@ashleyn1cole) March 3, 2020

5. Get with the program

Well something needs to get debugged.

Women aren’t less horny than men. It’s just that our horny program runs in the background and yours is a popup.

— Weak Ankles (@ankles_so_weak) August 13, 2019

4. Proof of purchase

“Will I need a record of the fact that I bought this tube of toothpaste? We can’t know. There’s just no way to know.”

Little secret about me: my answer to the question “would you like a receipt” is based on absolutely nothing and changes all the time

— Chase Mitchell (@ChaseMit) July 30, 2018

3. Talk birdie to me

The longer you look at it the worse it gets.

I want to do whatever drugs Hieronymus Bosch did when he thought about painting a bird person wearing a kettle as a hat eating a naked man that is pooping out birds pic.twitter.com/FbDnlbbWP1

— octopus/caveman (@OctopusCaveman) February 4, 2020

2. Cutting deep

What if they’re deeply into making deep dish?

if someone you know is getting deeply into making bread from scratch they are deeply depressed I promise you

— ellory smith (@ellorysmith) November 26, 2019

1. Top of the pile

And losing all your friends in the process!

No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.

— Jessie Jolles (@Jessiejolles) December 23, 2019

I dare you to find higher quality tweets than that. Those are built to last. Quality craftsmanship. Those are the kind of solidly constructed tweets that make me proud to be a citizen of the internet.

What kinds of tweets do you like the most?

Tell us in the comments.

The post Very High Quality Tweets That Will Meet Your Standards appeared first on UberFacts.

Ah, Twitter. Where would we be without it?

Scream at each other about politics in person? That’s a lot of work. Plus it’s dangerous. Much safer to do that sort of thing with our thumbs while in the comfort of our own toilet. And of course, Twitter isn’t JUST the home for the world’s most nuanced and productive political discourse, it’s also a place for lots of good jokes, like these!

Here are fourteen random Twitter jokes you can read in the bathroom or wherever.

14. It’s kind of a lot

I literally sweat the entire way there.

Do you get anxiety going new places not knowing the parking situation or are you normal?

— Ali Jordan (@Ali_jordan1) July 22, 2020

13. iDrink

Judging by your use of the word “their,” I’m guessing this would apply to your current state.

Their should be a feature that’s like “sent from my iPhone” but instead it says “sent after three glasses of wine”

— Danny Murphy (@kashmeredanny) July 20, 2020

12. Never say forever

You can’t trust anybody these days and it’s disgusting.

Just saw on Facebook that a girl I went to high school with married some guy despite writing <3 U 4 eva in my yearbook and not talking to me for the last 15 years. Real nice, Brenda.

— Ryan Patricks (@Ryan_Patricks) July 3, 2018

11. Duck and roll

I’m having a quack snack attack.

inside my stomach there is a little duck who demands bread

— carter hambley (@carterhambley) October 22, 2019

10. Bird brained

Like an iceberg, this goes deeper than you can even imagine.

me: how come penguins can’t fly

zookeeper: their bodies are too heav-

me: is it because god fears them

zookeeper: what?

me: did god make them heavy birds because they’re his only weakness

zookeeper: [whispering] shut your fucking mouth if you know what's good for u

— Kellen (@captainkalvis) June 4, 2019

9. Serving up stories

Gotta hit that word count one way or another.

[making dinner]

Wife: Can you print out that Pinterest recipe for me?

Me: HOLD ON I'M AT THE PART WHERE HER ANCESTORS ARE CROSSING OVER ON THE MAYFLOWER

— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) December 5, 2019

8. Crunching numbers

“It’s like this sophisticated algorithm KNOWS me!”

I saw a girl post her Spotify top artists on her Instagram story with the caption “so accurate”. Like yeah it’s accurate… it’s literally data

— m (@manster_mash) December 5, 2019

7. Slice of life

Very brave of her to use her final breath to deliver this news. F in the chat.

Girlfriend is just a tiny bit dramatic pic.twitter.com/Agos2FBvB9

— C H A R L I E (@charlieSuch98) July 27, 2020

6. Fishing for compliments

Yeah but did you see how thoroughly medium-sized the fish was?

No girl has actually seen a picture of a man holding a fish and thought “he has a lot of talent and skill and seems really adventurous and fun, I would like to have sex with him” so maybe let’s stop doing that

— Alyssa Schoener (@alyssa_schoener) July 27, 2020

5. Checks and balances

(There are functionally identical and much cheaper alternatives to Apple products…just sayin.’)

Im first world poor. Which means I have an iPhone and a MacBook just so I can go online and check that I have $5 left in my bank account

— Danielle Ivgi (@deenoony) January 26, 2019

4. Sweep me off my feet

Well that doesn’t suck.

I never expected that I would get such an adrenaline rush doing a blind sweep under the couch with the vacuum but this is my life now.

— Meredith (@PerfectPending) September 27, 2019

3. Small talk

I’d choose pasta any day.

Skinnier

— Abby (@abby_lnghn) August 1, 2019

2. Key to my heart

How old is that car anyway? Is this kid a time traveler?

I’ll be frustrated at first but then I would say let’s go do momma car too

— O K E O M A (@OkeomaOnyemelie) February 18, 2019

1. Scream time

The important thing is that your system works for you.

My nightly skin care routine is crying into a pillow before or after staring at my phone for 3 hours and occasionally dropping it on my face.

— Hannah Berner (@beingbernz) June 27, 2020

Without jokes on Twitter, we’d have to find jokes out in the wild like our ancestors did, and that sounds exhausting. So here’s to all the wonderful funny people who continue to supply us with these golden tweets. Keep up the great work.

Who are the funniest people on Twitter in you opinion?

Tell us in the comments.

The post Random Twitter Jokes to Make Your Day Better appeared first on UberFacts.