Category: life

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15 People Who Have Killed or Injured Someone in Self Defense Reveal What Happened

I suppose you have to do what you have to do if your life is in danger…so these stories are pretty gripping and terrifying.

Because that’s exactly what these people from AskReddit did.

Here are their stories.

1. Rural justice

“My great grandmother was widowed in rural greece after WW2. Her sister was in an abusive relationship, and my great grandmother told her husband “if you hit her one more time I will kill you”.

He obviously hits her, so my great grandmother goes to his poker game with all the elite men in the village and shoots him square between the eyes. No one questions the rural justice imposed and she lives out the rest of her life a dominating figure in the village.”

2. Florida

“My great uncle lived in a trailer in a rural area of Florida. A kid (17) broke in one night and held him at knifepoint. He had no money, and told the kid that. He also told the kid to leave or he will grab the shotgun next to him.

Kid charged and slashed him, then he shot him dead. They ended up charging his friend (driving get away car) with the murder. Turns out they robbed several trailers that night. Chose the wrong one.”

3. Wedding reception

“My parents story: during their wedding reception, two men with masks entered and announced they’d be robbing them. Everyone thought it was a prank, laughed it off, and went on with the party. They pulled out guns and said it was no joke.

Everyone was on the ground on all fours, and they went around collecting wallets and jewelry from the guests. They came up to my grandpa (I’ve never met him) and saw what looked like a wallet in his breast pocket (it was a date book) and asked him to hand over his wallet. He said he didn’t have one (cause he didn’t) and was punched in the stomach. My uncle looked up at the guy and had a gun put to his forehead and was told “I’m going to blow your fucking brains out.”

My uncle grabbed the gun and turned around, pulling the guy’s face into his shoulder. My grandpa and others tackles him down and held him down. The second guy went running off, and my dad (ran track on college) chased after him and tackles him. Him and others pin him down.

Police come and everyone is excited that the ordeal is over. The cops say something like “this is going to take a bit longer though, there was a death.” Freaking out, my family asks who and find out the first guy was suffocated from being held down. (Later it was confirmed he was on cocaine and died from something related to his heart).”

4. Russia

“This happened to my dad in Russia, back in the 90s, which were wild there.

My dad is a big fat guy who can’t fight for shit. He’d recently gotten an 8 month old puppy, and he took the puppy for a walk. He was and still is a smoker of MORÉ cigarettes – I think they only exist in Europe.

Two young guys walk up to him and ask for a cigarette. He says he doesn’t have any. Now that brand of cigarettes that he smokes – they are really long – and the pack is sticking out of his pocket. The young guys get pretty pissed and one of them shoves dad. When my dad falls down, the guys take out a telescopic truncheon.

Dad knows it’s a losing battle but he unclips the dog’s leash so he could swing the metal clip at least.

Now, there is one important fact that I left out about this puppy. He was a Caucasian Sheepdog. At 8 months, he was about 75 lbs. And he went fucking ballistic. Both guys end up in ICU, one loses an eye.

The cops want the dog killed, and dad has to pay a lot of bribes to keep that from happening. The dog ends up living a nice happy 13 years.”

5. Knocked out

“Not me, but my dad had to knock someone out with a pipe wrench.

My dad was in his mid-twenties and had just started up his HVAC company. It was late at night, one of his customers called about his tenant’s complaining the air was out. At 3am. My dad, as a recent business start-up all on his own, got dressed and went out on the call.

He got there and fixed the AC and when he was leaving (it was a bit of a run down, poverty stricken area), a man who was clearly drunk thought he was with his girlfriend who was living in the house my dad just worked on. My dad, obviously, was like no, I’m the HVAC repair guy. Dude pulls out a knife and charges my dad and my dad simply swings at him with what was in his hand, which was a wrench. Knocked the guy in the temple and he was out cold.

Dad kinda panicked and jumped into his van and sped off. Nothing ever came of it so I assume the guy was ok, aside from a massive headache.”

6. You’re free to go

“Obligatory “Not me, but my Grandpa”, but here goes. Grandpa was something else. Arrested several times during prohibition for running stills in the hills of Appalachia and other colorful sorts of stuff. Anyway, many years after that, he was in a bar somewhere in town.

Some young asshole got in his face, as young assholes do. Words were exchanged, the young guy pulled out a gun, and he stuck it in my Grandpa’s face.

Grandpa didn’t have time to determine the extent of the young man’s commitment to his actions, so he decided to pull out his gun and kill him right there. Cops were called, witnesses were interviewed, and Grandpa was free to go.”

7. Whoa

“I’m a medic and firefighter. We got called to a rollover accident new years morning. Obviously a drunk driver. It was 3am. We were first on scene, walked up to the car, and found a gun pointed at my face.

I grabbed his arm, smashed it into the A post repeatedly. My partner didn’t even know what was going on.

The guy dropped the gun, I told me partner to get it, and I ripped the guy from the car. He’s screaming I broke his arm.

The police get there, I tell them he had a gun and pulled it on me. They grab him and throw him in their car.

He was arrested, taken to the hospital so his arm could be splinted. Was charged with driving impaired and assault. Please guilty and went to jail for a couple of years.”

8. Drugs are bad

“A TINY girl I went to school with was at home with her mother in law. A man came and knocked on the door with some bullshit excuse like his car was broken down or something. He eventually left. Her husband took his truck into the shop that day and came home later. That night, the same man broke into their house thinking it was only the two women home, as no other cars had returned.

Her husband began struggling with the intruder and broke a wooden baseball bat over the guys head. He kept attacking. Mother in law jumps in. Tiny woman ran to the kitchen and got a knife and stabbed the man to death stabbing multiple times. The man was high on PCP or something.”

9. Bad times in Panama

“Granddad was in the Navy stationed in Panama after WWII. One day, he and one of his shipmates were out patrolling or on guard duty or some such when a local kid runs up and says there’s an American in a bar nearby and he’s about to get killed. So my granddad and his comrade follow the kid to the bar and walk in to see an American sailor all cut up, backed into a corner holding a chair over his head, surrounded by a a couple of locals with knives.

Granddad scans the room and sees a pair of Panamanian cops in uniform sitting at a nearby table just watching and laughing. He tells the guys with the knives to back off and one of them turns and lunges at him, so he shoots him in the belly.

Immediately, the cops jump up reaching for their sidearms, but Granddad’s buddy shoots them both right around the same time Granddad shoots the second knife-wielding attacker. So maybe thirty seconds after they walked into the bar, four guys are dead.

They got court-martialed but somehow came out without so much as a discharge. Not sure how or why. I need to get around to seeing if I can find any records on it.

Also, my granddad never met a story he couldn’t embellish, but I have a feeling this one is true. He’d talk about horrific violence he experienced at Iwo Jima till the cows came home, but he did NOT want to talk about Panama.”

10. My God…

“Not me, but my father. Back in the 60s, he was at a small town bar with a friend. The friend was playing pool and won a bunch of money off some guy he’d just met. So the guy goes out to the car, gets a gun and kills my dad’s friend.

Everyone in the bar kind of jumped on the gunman, and my dad kicked/stomped his head with his steel toed work boots. The guy died in the hospital, but my dad was never arrested or charged with anything.

He doesn’t talk about it much. The only reason he told me was because I made a stupid joke about shooting someone and he wanted to teach me why it wasn’t funny.”

11. A scary situation

“Was at party with my best friend (a guy) in a house full of college students that all either lived together/hung out together aged between 22-28, in all about 20 of us. His roommate who’d never really had alcohol in excess got shit faced.

This guy kept hitting on me and not taking social cues of me being not interested. Things turned violent eventually. He said he’d kill my best friend for cock blocking. I pretty much put him in a hold and calmed him down and went to another side of the house. A few minutes later, he comes to find us, but he’s gotten a baseball bat.

My best friend lived there, the guy lived there and I was a house guest. My best friend wound up getting whoever was left at the party in one room and the guy was chasing him around with a baseball bat. The way it turned was when the guy got a hold of my friend, and my friend did his best to restrain him, but this guy was unrelenting. It’s all confusing really, the guy just snapped.

My friend literally had to beat him unconscious because he kept trying to strangle my friend. We were all really scared. By the time the cops got there, the guy’s face was REALLY fucked up and my friend had some broken bones. Self defense is a crazy thing, we were concerned my best friend would go to jail, but he didn’t.

Turned out the roommate was there on an expired visa, and he had two or three priors for aggravated assault with a deadly weapon.

Last we heard he’s still in jail, his face is completely rearranged and banned from entering The United States for ten years. That was 4 years ago.”

12. A story from Queens

“I was living in Queens while attending Fordham U in the Bronx. Came off the train one night, there was a young busker at the end of the platform rapping about how if everyone just gave a little money God would give a little back. I looked straight ahead, ignored him, tried to power walk past him.

I’m a small female, he was a much bigger man. He grabbed me by the arm and started trying to charm me for money. I was pulling away, trying to make him let go, he wouldn’t. I started screaming and then I just started stabbing him with my keys. I always carried my keys with the tips stuck out between my fingers because it was a not so nice neighborhood and I always got home late. It didn’t kill him but it hurt enough that he let me go.

This little immigrant woman had been coming up the platform and heard me screaming so she came running and started hitting him with umbrella. So now he’s on the ground bleeding and being sacked about his personage by a seventy-five year old Ukrainian woman who introduced herself to me as Olga. Police came, arrested him, gave me and my new friend a pat on the back and a ride home.

Fortunately it was the only time I was ever assaulted when I lived in Queens. When I lived near campus in the Bronx it was a lot worse. My roommate was insane.”

13. Bar fight

“When I was 22 I was at a show at a bar, watching my friends band play. After they finished their set I moved to the back to be near the doors to help them with moving their equipment out. It’s very dark and everyone else is still up closer to the stage.

Suddenly, someone I don’t know grabs me from behind, in a big bear hug, and starts to drag me back towards the doors leading out. I, without thinking at all, drop my weight, manage to slip out of his arms, whirl around, grab his hair and SLAM his face down into my rising knee. I can still to this day feel his nose shatter as I hit him. He stumbles backwards, blinded and covered in blood.

He’s rather quickly grabbed by my friends who had seen him attack me and the cops are called. He’s arrested and taken to the hospital, where it turns out I broke not only his nose, but also fractured his cheek bone.

For context I’m a girl, and around 110 lbs. I’ve never been in a fight or have any real idea how to defend myself. I’m certain the only reason this worked is that he hadn’t expected me to defend myself in any way, it was entirely the surprise of it. I don’t think it would have worked at all had he been prepared.”

14. Don’t mess with Texas

“My civics teacher who lived in a smaller Texas town told me a crazy story from his childhood. When he was a kid, a robber broke into his house and was stealing shit from his family. He woke up and looked around the house due the noise. He found the robber standing in his foyer, about to exit, and the next thing he knew, the robber’s head exploded.

His father who was upstairs got a his revolver, shot the robber’s head, who met the hammer of justice if the form of a .44 magnum.

That was that. Robber gone, and no legal consequences faced the family, due to Texas laws concerning protecting your property (this occurred way long ago so laws may be different). He used this story to explain the kinds of laws the U.S and Texas had. Pretty insane story. Moral of the story: If you rob someone, and they have a gun and they know how to use it, prepare to say goodbye to your way of life, or your mortal coil. Especially in Texas.”

15. Nightmares

“3 of them have been car/motorcycle jackings. The one that sticks with me the most is the guy who tried to steal my bike at knife point. I reached into my riding jacket and fired the gun through the holster(and jacket). It’s not like the movies where the bad guys just fall over.

In the time it took emergency services to arrive, I had to watch a grown man writhe in pain, scream, cry, beg for his mom, and ultimately expire.

It is one of the most heartwrenching things I’ve ever seen. I still have nightmares.”

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Boom! Taco Bell Officially Counts as a “Healthy” Fast Food Choice

You really don’t have to feel as bad about going through the Taco Bell drive thru anymore. No, seriously.

Folks, they’re been making some legit changes, and those modifications are moving the fast food chain toward being the healthiest drive thru option around.

Now, not everything on their menu is good for your health (or your waistline), but HEAR ME OUT!

In the past few years, their entire menu has been overhauled to reduce sodium by 15%, with a 25% reduction coming soon.

Not only that, they’ve removed artificial flavors and colors, replacing them with natural alternatives.

Their breakfast menu is sourced from 100% cage-free eggs, and they’re looking to bring cage-free eggs for their entire menu in the near future.

And they only serve chicken that has been raised without antibiotics.

Take that, everyone else!

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life doesn’t get any better than this

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Of course, it’s up to you as the consumer to make smart choices and to control your portion size. If you order everything you want (including those nacho fries) you might be antibiotic and dye-free, but your heart probably won’t thank you.

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Nacho Fries have been back at @TacoBell for a little while now, so we finally decided to enjoy them again before they’re gone. This is obligatory for every hot rerelease. ? And speaking of hot, we tried Diablo sauce for the first time, along with Diablo Tortilla Chips (found at 7-Eleven)—not a fan. We got a lime vibe from the sauce which we don’t like, and its extra heat ruined a couple sips of our Baja Blast. We enjoy spicy, but not when it compromises a carbonated beverage. The chips however, did the flavor of the sauce so much justice that they were more enjoyable than the sauce itself. But because of the lime, we’d never try it again. Doesn’t mean they’re bad; we just don’t dig it personally. All that matters is, we now know. • #Foodie #Foodgasm #Tacobell #Fries #SpicyFood #Cinnabon #MountainDew #BajaBlast #PepsiCo #Pepsi #Chips #Crisps #JunkFood #Tasty #FoodPorn #foodstagram #sweet #sugar #hungry #IIFYM #fit #diet #fitfam #foodie #foodporn #cheatmeal #eeeeeats #macros

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Try ordering vegetarian or vegan options, or order their “fresco” option that removes cheese, rice, and sour cream but gives you back some pico de gallo for flavor.

Like Taco Bell’s nutritionist and dietician says “I can’t believe I work here.”

Just kidding. She told Business Insider,

“We just really encourage people to customize to however it fits their lifestyle.”

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#taco #puledchicken #tacobell

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So, the next you quiero Taco Bell, go ahead and live mas…but know that you can feel a bit better about what you’re putting in your body in the process.

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Thrift Store Workers Share the Weirdest Items They’ve Pulled from the Donation Bin

If what you see on the shelves at the thrift store is the good stuff, then what gets donated and doesn’t make the cut?

Below are 15 solid examples.

#15. There’s a story there somewhere.

Not something I’ve found particularly but something very strange. Every month and a half or so, a man would come by right before we closed and would donate a single blank cd. Every single time. My coworkers and I would always put it in and see if anything was on it. There never was.

#14. The extra stuff inside.

A grinder with weed still in it, and somehow a suitcase full of dildos made it onto the floor and was brought to our attention by an elderly lady who was wanting to purchase the suitcase but didnt want “the extra stuff inside”.

I still think a customer had to have somehow snuck a bag of dildos in and dumped them there since anything going to the floor is opened and sprayed with disinfectant, plus it was heavy so it definitely wouldve been opened if it arrived that way. Either way it made for an interesting day at work.

Edit: I forgot to add money! We were allowed to keep any money we found, usually it was the occasional few bucks in a purse someone forgot. Other times it could be big bills or one lady locked out and found a stash of around $2000 in two dollar bills in a trinket box.

#13. A get out of jail free card.

We’ve had some nipple clamps on a chain, a rampant rabbit with car charger, a jug in the shape of a tit and a book with a hole in it that you stick your dick in for a novelty puppet show.

Oh and there was also a mobile phone with a bunch of photos of a local policeman wearing his girlfriend’s underwear. I securely deleted those. He owes me a get out of jail free card for that.

#12. I look fantastic in it.

I found a full Tommy lee jones Two face suit. I look fan tastic in it. Only $15

Here it is in all its glory.

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Edit: thank you all for the self confidence boost!

#11. A human skull.

A classmate of mine found a human skull that was donated. It still had reminents of human on it. They reported it to the police and turns out it was part of an active murder investigation 1 state over.

#10. That’s not sand.

I was a receiving and loading lead at a thrift store for a few years. We had this guy that cleaned out storage units for a living and then he’d dump whatever he couldn’t flip with us for a tax slip.

He pulls up and we’re going through it all. Pretty nice stuff, looked like it was an estate sale. We get it all unloaded and then we start snooping through to see what needs to get brought to where and we find this green glass vase filled with sand.

I started pouring the sand out into the trash so we could figure if the vase was worth using

“That’s not sand”

Somehow we ended up with an unmarked, full urn.

#9. I’ve seen it all.

Ah something I can contribute to. In college I was one of the people that directly sorted donations.

I’ve seen it all, vibrators, boxes of dildos, a nunchuk collection to name a few. On more than one occasion have we found large amounts of money stashed away in hollowed out books, usually $1000+ in new bills.

The one story that sticks out the most was this middle aged man who consistently came on Saturday evenings to donate used underwear. Bags and bags of men’s used underwear, for almost 3 months straight, then suddenly he just stopped.

#8. So much nope.

When I was about sixteen I worked at goodwill for about 6 months. There was this old homeless man who used to try and sneak inside to sleep and stuff like that. Everyday he’d get kicked out pretty quick by one of my female coworkers. After about a month of working there with her, the homeless man came up to the counter she was working at, gave her a target bag filled with rocks, and left. We open the bag and find a doll underneath about a layer of rocks. It was so friggin creepy. The doll looked exactly like her. We flipped it over and the back had her FULL NAME sewn into it. She quit about a couple days later because she was worried about that homeless man coming back to the store.

#7. Defaced by a complete lunatic.

One time, someone donated a book (some country singer’s autobiography I believe) that had been massively defaced by a complete lunatic.

That’s not a great description, but fortunately I took pictures:

Book donated by lunatic

Utterly fucking insane. I didn’t meet the donor because I was at lunch at the time, but my coworker said they seemed completely normal.

#6. A good read.

Used journals… Highlights include someone recounting the time they bit someone, and a tale of an explosive funeral. They make for a good read, but why wouldn’t you throw them out?

#5. Unwanted gifts.

I worked in donations. In the same day we got a pickled baby tiger shark and a coin purse made from a kangaroo scrotum.

Edit: for everyone wondering how I knew, it still had the original tag on it. Me and my co-workers were guessing it was an unwanted gift someone felt bad about throwing away.

It was not the same person that donated the shark.

Who knew my most upvoted comment would be about kangaroo balls?

#4. Cool job for a while.

Someone donated an entire trash bag full of dirty diapers.

Sex toys. Lots of sex toys. Some older, and more naive, workers actually priced them and put them in the sales floor.

An old electronic chessboard that was somehow worth $2000+

Some rich old lady came in and donated a ziplock bag full of gold and platinum jewelry – it was real.

Huge beanie baby collections. Guess someone finally figured out after 20 years that they weren’t a solid investment. It’s something you hear about but I never really saw before.

Maybe not the strangest but you actually do find some cool old shit people think is worthless. Cool job for a while.

EDIT: drinking some beers now. Ask a former Goodwill employee anything!

#3. Investigation warranted.

My aunt’s a cop and had to go investigate a donated hand grenade.

Edit: People keep asking if this happened in ______ city, so apparently it’s super common in America. For the record, keep it classy, San Diego.

#2. The Big Red Dog

A high school diploma still in its leather case. We were selling it for $1.39.

Also a porn movie inside a Clifford the Big Red Dog DVD case.

#1. Lobotomy tools.

I was sorting out some donated items and come across an unusual set of tools. Through some research, we discovered that it was a full transorbital lobotomy tool set. It got donated to a local university for display. Apparently, a vintage set in good condition can sell for around $1,000.

It’s high time I took another look around!

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A Study Showed That Younger Siblings Are Funnier Than Older Siblings

I have three older siblings and guess who’s the King of Comedy? This guy, right here. So I’ve known this all along. But now there’s science to back it up!

A British study from YouGov questioned 1,783 adults to assess various personality traits based on birth order. The survey showed that 46% of younger siblings believe that they are the funniest child in their family, while only 36% of oldest siblings report that they are the family clown.

Photo Credit: pxhere

The study also showed that 54% of oldest children believe they bear the most responsibility, compared to 31% of youngest kids. So not only do the young ones get to be hilarious, they also don’t have to worry about as much. Well, isn’t that great?

Some more findings: older siblings feel “more organized” than their little brothers and sisters, and young siblings see themselves as more easygoing than their older counterparts. That makes sense. Again, the younger ones typically don’t have to worry about things compared to the older kids.

Photo Credit: pxhere

A lot of successful comedians just so happen to be the youngest kids in their respective families: Eddie Murphy, Ellen DeGeneres, Jim Carrey, and Steve Martin, to name a few.

What do you think? How does it work in your family?

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15 Totally Wacky Things People Have Said in Their Sleep

I have to admit, I talk in my sleep a ton. And I’ve been the butt of jokes for years among friends and family members because of it. Thanks for the support!

That said, these 15 things people on Reddit shared about somebody muttering while asleep are pretty weird, even for sleep talking.

15. He was mocking them.

Once, me and our roommate were downstairs, while my husband was sleeping upstairs. We heard him yelling in his sleep and I figured he was having a nightmare and went to check on him.​

Turns out he was, in fact, not yelling. in his dream he had a bunch of creepy ghost children trapped in a hole and was mocking them by saying “WoOoOoO~ WoOoOoO~… Bitches.”

14. Would ya?

“Bleach your asshole already, would ya?”

He sleeps very hard, we can have conversations while he’s asleep. I’ve got several of them on video and they’re some of my most favorite things.

13. The money is hidden.

“The money is hidden off the road by the Indian Reservation.” I tried to get her to talk more but she mumbled something I couldn’t understand and went back to sleep.

She doesn’t remember her dreams after she wakes up so it’s this mystery of whether or not she hid money in the desert.

12. I just wanted to see it to the end.

My roommate sleep talks almost every night and I once walked in on him sobbing. Full on bawling.

I asked if he was good and he said in the calmest voice “yeah sure I just wanted to see it to the end”…. he doesn’t remember it one bit.

The runner-up was when he burst into laughter and then said “why did none you try to chop my head off just then?”

11. Okay.

My ex used to talk in his sleep and kind of sleepwalk too.. It was pretty funny.

My favorite was when I woke up to him holding my coat to the door, dropping it, and putting it back to the door. Not like, trying to hang it on the door, just like…. holding it to the door and dropping it repeatedly.

I asked him, uhhhhhhh what are you doing? He gave me a funny look and crept into the bathroom slowly, peeked around, looked at me (in bed) and asked, “are you in there?”

“in….. where?”

“the bathroom.”

“no, i’m in bed…”

“oh. okay.” and he came back to bed.

My second favorite was when he shook me awake and told me “I’m definitely not gonna do it.” “do WHAT?” “yeah, I’m just feeling waaaayy too lazy and unmotivated right now.” no shit dude, you’re asleep….

10. Local boy massages.

I was told by my fiancé that he came to bed one night after I had fallen asleep and started rubbing my back, which apparently prompted me to sleep-say “This just in! Local boy massages.. other local boy!!”

I am a 26 year old female but that night I was a young 19th century newsboy at heart.

9. You can’t forget gravity.

Wife: Oh no

Me: What’s wrong?

Wife: I forgot

Me: Forgot what?

Wife: Gravity

Me: You forgot gravity?

Wife: Yeah

Me: It’s okay, you can’t forget gravity

Wife: I can’t?

Me: No, it’s okay.

Wife: Good.

Out like a light.

8. The most important thing in the world.

One time while sleeping I grabbed my partner by the shoulder and told her “hey, people are just stacks of years” like it was the most important thing in the world.

7. On a fishing boat.

My husband’s Dad died on a fishing boat in the bering sea last year. It was a terrible way to go and he yells DAD very loudly like he’s trying to warn him a line is about to hit him.

6. I was so scared!

I’m Im the sleep talker/walker. One night my husband woke me up because my sister was calling him in the middle of the night. I was very worried and asked her what was wrong. She was practically in tears and managed to squeak out “thank god you’re ok! I was so scared!”

I guess in my sleep I had called her mumbled then set my phone down next to my speaker which was playing the audio book that had fallen asleep to. What she heard was me whispering then a strange man talking. She thought I had been kidnapped. She texted and called me and when I didn’t answer she called my husband to see if I was ok. He was confused and tried to assure her I was sleeping peacefully in bed.

I’ve also ordered bras and three gallons of almond milk off amazon. I’m not allowed to have my phone near my bed anymore.

5. We don’t even know an Abigail.

Completely at random: “OPEN THE WINDOW ABIGAIL IM BURNING LIKE A MEATBALL” we don’t even know an Abigail.

4. I didn’t go back to sleep for awhile.

My wife once in the middle of a dead sleep just did like a possessed scream/yell. It was from quiet to loud. Kind of like aaaaaAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH. And then she started snoring immediately after. I didn’t go back to sleep for a while.

3. How come I get the Jetsons?

My wife doesn’t Reddit but she would jump to tell you that I said; “How come you get the cool spaceships and i get the Jetsons?” Then made the Jetsons flying car sound and went back to sleep

2.  Coupons.

I have two great ones:

I had stayed up late and husband was asleep in bed. We had creaky wood floors, so I was walking slowly into the bedroom trying not to make too much noise. I stepped on a creaky spot, and husband shifted in bed and then said, in a very cheeky/smiling tone: “I have a machine… that will shoot you.. if you move around. It’ll shoot you right now!” Then he was back to be being dead asleep.
I was reading in bed, husband turned to snuggle into me and then this conversation: Him: (in a cutesy, flirty tone) “Coupons.” Me: “Coupons?” Him: “Yeah, coupons.”

1. I want to tap your teeth.

We both talk in our sleep but I think this one was so far the weirdest.

One night he started giggling and I asked him why he’s doing it. Then he just replied with “I want to tap your teeth and make them go ‘hello’!”​

Still no idea what that meant.

Edit:

Just remembered another one that was very weird.

One time in his sleep he started making very weird, distressed noises. I asked if he was having a nightmare and he told me he’s in a war with colanders, trying to rip them apart with his bare hands.

Are you a sleep talker? Married to one?

I bet you’ve got some stories of your own!

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15 Parents Share Their “I Raised an Idiot” Stories

Does every parent have a moment where they look in the mirror and say…”Is my child a total and complete moron?” It sure seems that way.

Parents of AskReddit share the moments they realized they raised an idiot. Hey, the truth hurts.

You have to laugh…or else you’ll get really depressed.

1. Poor Dad

“My dad’s moment was when I made him drive around with me because my car had been making a “thunk” noise every time I made a turn. After 15 minutes he announced it was the baseball bat in my trunk rolling around.”

2. Out the window

“I used to tell my kids not to take off their shoes and socks in the car, especially on short trips. Just leave them on so that we don’t have to spend 5 minutes finding and putting them back on before we run into the store. Imagine a single dad with two young kids running around the car trying to re-shoe my children in the grocery store parking lot in the middle of an Arizona summer, yuck.

One day we went to the store and my daughter was missing her shoe. It was nowhere to be found. “Daddy, I didn’t want you to be mad that my shoe was off so I threw it out the window.” Made sense to a 5-year old I guess.”

3. Know it all

“When my son was 11 years old, he confidently informed me he was pretty sure he knew everything there was to know, because he tried to think of something that he didn’t know, and couldn’t think of anything.”

4. LOL

“When one of my daughters tries to insult the other by telling her how ugly she is.

They’re identical twins.”

5. That was for me

“When I asked my 14yo if she could please bring me a piece of cake, she cut it, forgot why, then ate it.”

6. Uggghhhh

“When my youngest son, who was 10 at the time, was getting his ears checked at the pediatrician and they found a “foreign object” in his left ear.

Said object was a dead housefly. Because he thought sticking a fly in his ear would give him flying powers.

He had caught it and shoved it in there alive about a week prior.”

7. Hmmmm

“Daughter calls me “there is a cop behind me with his lights on. What should I do?” “

8. C’mon kid!

“He knew there was a frozen pizza in the garage but couldn’t find it. Didn’t even think to check the freezer.”

9. Magic carrots

“Told my kid that carrots help you see in the dark, he then went into the basement with a carrot and started waving it around like a flashlight.”

10. Stop!

“When we had to take down our shed and my son took a chainsaw to the support posts….from the inside. Fortunately, his brothers are not idiots and they stopped him.”

11. This is good

“When my son was disappointed by sex ed class. He thought they were going to learn some moves.”

12. Speechless

“My 14 yr old soon went into a dressing room to try on 5 pairs of pants. After waiting 15 min and yelling twice into the men’s dressing room to see if was ok, he admitted he couldn’t find the shorts he had worn in. He gave me 3 pairs of the pants and still couldn’t find them.

I finally had to go into the stall to look. They were balled up in the leg of one of the pair of pants. It was extremely noticeable. He swore he took his shorts off before trying on any of the pants so he didn’t think to look in them. I was speechless. He’s in the gifted and talented program in our school district.”

13. Oh boy

“I was in the shower yesterday when my phone rang. I asked my 13yo to answer it. He says ” um…she’s in the shower”. Then silence. I asked him to take a message and he responds “how do i do that?” I had to explain how to write i note on a piece of paper…..”

14. Good job buddy

“My dad loves to tell the story of him teaching me to tell time. I had just learned money, so a quarter was 25 to my small brain. After about an hour of trying to convince me that it was only 15 minutes in time, my mom walked in the kitchen to both of us crying out of frustration.

Also my step son is almost two. He is tough as nails. Last night we were helping him do front flips. He would just put his head on the ground and we would flip his legs over his head. Apparently at some point, he thought he had it by himself and took off running just to jump and faceplant on the floor. He looked up at me so proud of himself. I just said “good job buddy” and tried to deflect my laughter.”

15. A thoughtful idiot

“My 13 year old son was sniffing really hard and moving his head all around the area he was standing in. Slightly concerned he had lost his mind, I asked him what he was doing. He told me, “I farted. I’m trying to smell it all up, so you dont have to smell it.” He’s a thoughtful idiot.”

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Jenna Fischer and John Krasinski Expertly Trolled Each Other During the Stanley Cup Finals

The St. Louis Blues recently won the Stanley Cup for the first time in their history. But what happened leading up to the game was better than hockey, itself. Well, at least for some people.

Jenna Fischer and John Krasinski battled it out on social media leading up to the final game. We know them as one of the cutest, loving couples on NBC’s The Office. Fisher, who played Pam Beesly was the office assistant. And Krasinski played the calm and collected, Jim Halpert.

They had a rocky start in the show but I’ll get that. On with the trolling!  Krasinski is a die-hard Bruins fans. He’s a Boston hometown boy that grew up loving his team. And Fischer, who resides in St. Louis, fell hard for her Blues.

After The Office ended these two remained great off-screen friends and this act of playfulness shows it all. Besides, trolling and teasing each other is what good friends do.

It all started with Fischer tossing out this tweet to start the friendly rivalry.

Before I get too far, there is a great connection between hockey and The Office. Fans of the show may remember that before Jim Halpert and Pam Beesley said “I DO!” on the show, Pam was engaged to Roy.

In the episode, “The Client”, the group is discussing their worst first dates and Pam is sure she has this. She tells the story of how her date took her to a hockey game with his brother. She had gone to use the bathroom and the game ended. Then her date and his brother left her behind. We come to find out later, her date was Roy. Yep, worst date ever!

Back to the story!

When Fisher didn’t get a response from Krasinski, she photoshopped them wearing competitor jerseys.

That got his attention!

Steve Carell even joined in on the fun and wore Krasinski’s favorite team logo hat.

But it all boiled down to this hilarious video of Krasinski from Game 7.

Did you see who that was sitting next to Krasinski?

That was David Denman, the actor who played the fiance Roy on The Office! Well played.

Of course, Fischer clapped back referencing the show.

In the end, the Blues took the cup and Carell bowed down to the win.

And Krasinski did as well.

All in all, the group had a fun time razzing each other. And us fans got to swoon over a reconnection of “Jim and Pam”.

Win win!

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15 Times Grownups Got Completely Roasted by Kids

Are little kids really adorable or are they just expert roasters laying in wait for their next victim?

Well, who’s to say, but these little monsters delivered some third-degree burns and roasted these adults TO A CRISP.

Here are 15 times every grownup died inside just a little bit.

1. That hurts

2. Not so fast…

3. Hahahaha

4. They’re paying attention

5. Thanks a lot

6. All this

7. Not looking for that

8. Not cool

9. Yummy!

10. Game Over

11. Maybe?

12. LOL

13. Zing!

14. Tell no one

15. Harsh!

Game. Set. Match. –> Children.

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15 Lawyers Reveal When They Realized Their Clients Were Terrible People

Being a lawyer is a pretty tough gig. Especially the ones who have to defend really terrible clients who they know have done some awful things.

In this AskReddit article, lawyers open up and reveal when they realized they were representing some really bad folks.

1. Scummy firm

“Not the client but my managing partner.

The client was a senile 90-year-old man. He wanted to sell land worth a little less than a billion dollars to some businessmen. Suffice to say there were many who wanted to take advantage of the situation. One such person, to my dismay, was our managing partner.

The partner wanted to insert a provision that would have effectively funneled about 60% of the proceeds solely to him. You could see how his eyes gleamed at the mere mention of money. The provision “got lost in the revisions.” I was doing the revisions.

I’m no longer part of that scummy firm.”

2. Shed no tears

“A lot of years ago I used to work as a solicitors representative (cases go to crown court, barrister deals and I am there for paperwork, additional stuff with client etc).

70 something year old man had been in jail for 15 years for an assault on a child.

Solicitor and barrister working on getting him released due to him getting clean reports from just about everyone.

Guards took him out of jail to a dentist and as he entered the waiting room he saw two children and ran straight at them. Guards stopped him.

3 weeks later at court I was the one that sat him down in a room to explain that no, this isn’t a hearing to release you. It is so you can be commited to a mental health secure facility for the rest of your life.

He didn’t take that well, I shed no tears.”

3. Disturbing

“I’m on the other side, but I’ve got a defendant who went to prison for starving three adopted children to the point that they needed weeks of hospitalization, then got out of prison and married a guy with children so that she could start starving them, too. Listening to her interview where she attempts to justify what she did to both sets of kids disturbed me more than any of the murder cases I’ve worked on.”

4. Creep

“We had a client try and enforce a post-employment restraint against a 19 year old receptionist after she quit and started working for a competitor. The reason? He wanted to “make her life hell” because she wouldn’t sleep with him, a creepy 57 year old man.

Him trying to sleep with her was the reason she quit. Unsurprisingly he didn’t take our advice to discontinue his claim and so we ended up sending him elsewhere.”

5. Unfit mother

“She tried to sell her baby. I found out during a hearing, in front of the judge.”

6. Terrifying

“I listened to a 911 call where the victim’s throat was slit while on the call by our client. I will never forget her gurgling and sounding like she was dying (somehow she ultimately lived through this) saying, “He killed me, he killed me.” “

7. Manipulation

“I’ll go ahead and say it. When I practiced family law and criminal defense, I trusted and believed my criminal defense clients 100x more than my divorce/custody clients. The worst monsters are the people who manipulate minor children for custody reasons. F*ck them. Luckily I’m out of that area of law, hopefully for good.”

8. What a story

“Had a divorce client, husband and father, who disowned his autistic son, tried to argue that he should get all of his wife’s retirement having not worked for 12 years, contacted me during the height of hurricane Sandy (he was in the Bronx and me in Manhattan) saying he wanted to hold his wife in contempt for not paying him that day while the storm slammed NYC, told me I was making a huge mistake getting married (my wedding date was November 3rd, 4 days after Sandy) saying that I was going to be miserable and regret it…. I could go on.

But, the worst was when, several months later, since his divorce was taking a long time, he sent death threat letters to myself and my wife saying that he had hired an “executor” to kill the two of us if his divorce wasn’t finalized in 60 days. Called the police and they said he left his premises one day earlier.

I heard nothing from him until February 2014 when he emailed me saying he needed a winter coat from his wife and could I help get it for him. Ironically, the divorce didn’t have to be completed because he killed himself before the judge signed the judgment of divorce.”

9. Time to quit

“My mom is a lawyer. This is the story about how she quit being a public defender.

When you are a public defender you don’t get to choose your cases. She got assigned a young man who, with the help of his gifriend, had gotten a kitten from a “free to a good home” ad in the paper. They then brought it home and gave it to their dog as a chew toy. I think they also filmed it.

So yeah.

She said she needed a shower after every meeting with him. Canceled her PD contract after the case concluded.”

10. This is awful

“I’ve done a lot of prison legal aid, and I could tell stories about child molesters that would turn you green, but instead I’ll turn you green a different way.

I had a kid (17) who was mildly cognitively disabled, due to brain trauma he sustained at the hands of his birth parents, who ended up with a really wonderful foster care family and thrived.

He was a popular kid in school, good athlete, got a girlfriend and invited her to meet up and be teenagers one night in a corn silo – which I guess is a thing that country kids do? I don’t know, this all comes from the pre-sentence investigation report I read before taking his case, but this girl met him at the silo and they were hanging out inside.

By his account, they were having a nice time and he was really enjoying himself, then for no particular reason, he picked up a 2×4 and bashed her skull in. He then used a combination of very crude farm implements (shovels, hoes) to chop her body up and bury it in the corn and went home like nothing had happened.

Hey, you asked.”

11. Not happy

“I had a client who was accused of domestic violence. Essentially he threw his girlfriend out of a second story window. Now he’s got a terrible history but so do a lot of my clients and his attitude is a little entitled (also typical). But he also knows the deal and wants a plea deal.

So I’m not really prepared when he absolutely refuses the no jail offer from the state (keep in mind there were like 5 witnesses). Why? Because they wanted him to pay for her medical bills. Ok, an asshole but whatever not the worst.

What did it was his counteroffer.

“I ain’t paying that bitchs bills. Tell them I’ll pay for the window.”

Prosecutor was not happy.”

12. First week on the job

“The first week I started at my current criminal defense firm I was tasked with cataloging discovery from our client’s phone.

The phone had multiple (talking around 4,000) videos, photos, text exchanges with women under 16 (though not all of the girls’ ages were confirmed most, if not all, were under the legal age of consent and many were barely pubescent) naked and being prostituted over 1 year. He would lure these girls in exchange for drugs.

Nothing felt totally bizarre until I came across one video where he was clearly forcing himself upon a literal child who was so high on benzodiazepines (not willingly but rather forced) and choking her in the process. When our firm confronted him, he said he was in love with her and that’s why he did it.

He would also take these girls to hotels and make them have sex with one another while he taped, but nothing beat what I said above.

Pretty horrifying stuff for my first week on the job.”

13. Scary

“The first and last family law case was assigned to me as a first year associate. My client broke his wife’s jaw, and said if they were home in Russia he would have killed her because he could pay his way out of prison there.”

14. A laundry list

“Criminal defense lawyer. I can name a few instances where I was just absolutely disgusted with my client. Caveat, these are mostly years ago when I was taking just any old case. I most practice white collar and federal now.

I won a DUI case because the government messed up on something right before trial was to begin. My client gives me a hug and COMPLETELY reeks of alcohol. He has driven to court. I took his keys and called his mother.

Client who was accused of molesting a 12 year old. He was mid 40s at the time and I had to shut him down real quick when he tried to tell me how the 12 year old was coming on to him.

I represented a woman for a grand theft charge. Left her in my office to get some things copied before she left. After she left, I realized my sunglasses and car keys were stolen. I tracked her down in the lobby and told her I was not going to represent her anymore and I would call the police if she didn’t empty her pockets in front of me and give me my things

I had a client who was released after 25 years in prison for MURDER and then the SAME day he beats up his prospective new landlord. He ended up getting another 10 years. He was unrepentant and laughed about how he hit the guy so hard his eye ball popped out. I thought, ‘this guy deserves to be in prison.’ Took the case to trial anyway and (shocker) lost and he got 10 (the max).

Client who pretended to be a doctor so he could sell steroids. According to the Gov, he had numerous clients who were made to believe that his steroids would cure their cancer. They paid him hundreds of thousands of dollars and some of them died. I just thought that was pure evil.”

15. Uggghhh

“My first internship in law school was at a matrimonial law firm in a very wealthy area, think millionaires and billionaires getting divorced.

One of the first cases I worked on involved the parents of a victim of a high-profile school shooting. The parents were divorced and had been prior to the death of the child, and were now battling over who would get the victim’s compensation fund money and the funds they received from a fundraiser they set up themselves on a GoFundMe-type site!

These were incredibly wealthy people fighting over what was literal chump change to them and asking the public to donate to them as if they needed it. They were so clearly exploiting the death of their child for money and to piss off the other parent, it was honestly one of the most disturbing things I have encountered, ever..”

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People Share the Most Awkward Moments They’ve Witnessed at Funerals

Suffice to say, most people struggle with knowing how to act and what to say to the friends and family who have just lost someone dear at funerals. That said, you can probably cross these 15 behaviors straight off your list of possible responses.

#15. Check with your lawyer.

“I witnessed the estranged drunk and druggie daughter of a family friend come screaming into the visitation looking for her brothers because she had found out she was never written into the will. It was a hell of a scene.

::EDITS:: I had to actually ask because people brought up good points.

This was in Missouri, Missouri *is* an affirmative disinheriting state. The will according to brother #1 said she was actively excluded from the official will and entitled to no portion of the estate, named her ex husband a portion of the home sale (Brother #2 bought his father out and kept it), and the remaining estate to both of her sons. The daughter was allowed personal effects (hence the police escort when getting them, probably to ensure she didn’t try and swipe anything else.). His mother had hand written an unofficial one to be read to her children.​

Also: Ash had every chance to get clean between 16/18 and 27. Both parents were more than willing and able to pay for treatment. She actively chose not to, as well as actively chose not to seek treatment for whatever was going on in her life that caused her to turn to drugs as a way to cope. She wasn’t even going to come to the funeral until she checked with the lawyer *the day of* and flipped shit.”

#14. Pop pop would have approved.

“We had a snowball fight outside the parlor of my pop pops funeral…

Pop pop would have approved. The non-family mourners seemed horrified.”

#13. Trying to “quietly” open a can.

Someone trying to “quietly” open a can while they were doing the closing prayer.

EDIT: Thank you kind people for the gold and silver!

#12. It’s the little things.

“Maybe isn’t as over the top as most of these comments, but I’m one of the Marines that has to go present the flag to the next of kin when a service member dies. It’s usually old Vietnam and Korea Vets, but sometimes it’s a desert storm or recent war vet and the mother is there receiving the flag instead of a son or daughter. Point is I’ve probably been to 45 funerals in the past year.

It’s striking how often someone’s phone goes off during the service. It seems nearly every other or every third service someones ring tone start playing. There’s been a few times where someone will get up from their seat and answer the phone to.”

#11. A legally blind woman trying to physically fight.

“Picture if you will, two elderly women in a funeral squaring up as people are still crying from the ceremony.

At the lunch after my grandpa’s funeral, his daughter from a previous marriage “Dee” who no one had seen in years showed up. Dee had been writing bad checks all the way to the state prison and had definitely had some unresolved beef with my family when she got out. The last time my mom saw her was when was 11 and Dee left her infant daughter for my mom to babysit and never came back, Fast forward to the funeral, Dee is acting like it’s a family reunion but no one is having it since she’s basically screwed everyone in the room in one way or another. My grandpa’s last girlfriend, a legally blind woman tried to physically fight her until others stepped in.

Edit: gave my crazy half aunt a pseudonym for clarity

Edit 2: the baby left with my mom at age 11 was not me, but that would be an amazing plot twist! Dee had said she was just having a night out and actually decided to run off to San Francisco (this was the early 70s) and left her baby. When Dee didn’t come back, my mom called her mom, got ahold of a relative that took care of the baby until Dee could be reached. Sorry I don’t have a lot of details after that but the baby grew up and she actually arrived at the funeral with Dee and I hear the apple didn’t fall far from the tree,

Edit 3: I had forgotten this part somehow. After the funeral, Dee tried to steal the car willed to grandpa’s blind boo but my family thought ahead and a couple of my uncles waited around the house until Dee came for the car, they came outside and apparently she was scared off. Blind boo got the car in the end and wrecked it immediately. I can’t make this shit up.”

#10. Putting on a show.

“The mother of the deceased putting on a (terribly acted and meth-fueled) show about how much she loved and missed her daughter. Shortly thereafter she was convicted of the daughter’s murder.”

#9. Who does that at a funeral?

“A relative of my husband died.

There was a gathering at her house after the funeral, hosted by her husband. It was mostly family of my husband, but there were a few friends. There was catered food and drink and people were just general socializing and telling nice stories about the deceased.

About two hours in, a man and woman in their mid-20’s show up. They are acquaintances of the widower. They walk around the house a bit, grab a drink and then disappear.

I was asked to get some more drinks from the garage, which was off the kitchen. I opened the door and stepped into the garage.

There was the young couple, leaning against a car and engaging is some pretty vigorous sexual relations.

Another family member who was standing in the kitchen saw what I saw. I backed out of the garage because I was fairly embarrassed. I mean, who does that at a funeral?

I guess the other relative told the widower because the next thing I know there is shouting from the garage and the widower is telling these two people in no uncertain terms that they needed to leave.

Apparently, not only were they having sex in the garage, but they were doing lines of coke off the hood of the car.

Only a few people who were at the gathering found out what happened, thank goodness.”

#8. Spilled a lot of alcohol in the casket.

“At an open casket wake, a friend of the deceased attempted to give her a drink of single malt whiskey. She ended up being forcibly removed as she wouldn’t stop and spilled a lot of the alcohol in the casket. It was as horrible and inappropriate as it was heartbreaking – for everyone.”

#7. Drama queen antics.

“My cousin’s funeral – he was 27 years old and killed in a single car crash after he hit a slippery patch on the road and smashed into a concrete wall.

At his funeral, all of his brothers, sisters, and parents sat on the front row at his graveside service. Then, lo and behold, my cousin’s ex-girlfriend of over a year shows up and immediately inserts herself on to the front row next to his sisters. And proceeds to scream cry, scream wail, and throw herself on the ground periodically throughout the service. All of the family just gave her awkward stares, with no one wanted to address her inappropriate behavior. I had never seen that type of attention demanding drama queen antics before…or since…

**EDIT: just wanted to throw this in ~ this was a funeral with military honors (Air Force), and they did the gun salute at the gravesite. I don’t remember how many times they fire, but at each gunshot, she would literally shriek and collapse into the arms of either of the sisters standing next to her. I do recall at the very end, the youngest sister was sick of that shit and just let her fall on the ground. And it was raining heavily and rather muddy.”

#6. Giggles throughout.

“Only somewhat inappropriate, but certainly the funniest thing…

It was a funeral for an uncle I was very distantly related to, and (this is happening in Greece, in the summer), the church is very full and incredibly hot, you can smell the sweat, there’s incense, the air isn’t circulating, and the priest is just going on and on – I don’t think I can describe how grim the situation was. Not totally unexpectedly therefore, just as the priest is getting to something particularly emotional, a man, an old colleague standing near the back, faints – he’s completely out. Now, this guy was very tall and rather broad, so not only was it a miracle that he didn’t take out the two tiny old ladies right in front of him, he was also really difficult to carry outside to get some air!

Somebody has the brilliant idea that the pallbearers (those people who carry the casket) should carry him, since they’ve practiced it and are reasonably strong. So everybody squeezes a bit tighter (nobody wants to leave the church, things just got interesting) to let them through. They pick him up, three on one side and three on the other, i.e. more or less as they would the casket, and start carrying him towards the door. Suddenly, this guy wakes up, turns his head several times, grasps what’s going on and who’s carrying him faster than anybody can respond, and immediately starts yelling “I’M ALIVE! I’M ALIVE! I’M ALIVEEEEEE!” At which point, one of the pallbearers laughs so hard that he drops what was thankfully a leg, and the others struggle to put him down in what is now a church absolutely exploding with laughter. The whole situation went on for a good fifteen minutes in which this guy walked outside and the priest tried to resume the service, but there absolutely continued to be giggles throughout – I, being a teenager at the time, also couldn’t possibly hold it back every time I thought of this guy yelling he’s alive!

Nobody was even particularly upset because the uncle we were burying was always laughing and joking around, so it somehow felt appropriate that we had a great laugh at his funeral.

edit: My first award! Thanks so much, glad to put some laughter into this thread :)”

#5. Misplaced him?!

“The funeral home putting a random guy in my grandfathers casket, suit, glasses, and wedding band…while then admitting that they had misplaced my grandfather was fairly inappropriate for a funeral.”

#4. An absolute scene.

“A narcisstic family member arrived late (after everyone else was at the graveside for the burial, and probably lurking behind a tomb to pick the perfect time after the priest had just started talking), wearing an enormous hat and sunglasses and low cut gown like she was attending the Golden Globes red carpet or something, and loudly making an absolute scene of how devasted she was, daaaaaarlings and just generally making it all about her.”

#3. Everyone was grabbing things.

“When my dads mom passed away, there were a lot of people there, he comes from a family of 11, (10 now as his sister passed away a while ago), so there were a lot of nieces, nephews and cousins. It was an open casket, I was around 12-13, but everyone was grabbing things from her/off her from the casket, all the aunts grabbing things for their kids who don’t even know her/remember who she is/way too young. The ONLY thing my dad has a keepsake of his mother is a little rose pin that she wore in the home she was in before she passed. It’s unfortunate and makes me feel very sad for my dad.”

#2. Time to shine.

“Oh fuck. My time to shine. Former mortuary industry worker.

The worst is hard to call because I’ve seen a lot. Some honourable mentions:

-A rando walking on off the street and proceeding to help herself to coffee and ODing in our bathroom. Didn’t die. Did get narcan’d.

-A couple fooling around in the urn/casket showroom during the viewing.

-An angry old woman storming out of the bathroom with a fistful of tampons, screaming about how inappropriate we were for keeping them in there, because “THERE ARE CHILDREN HERE!!” She threw them at the funeral director’s face. They were kept in a cabinet, in a small basket, well hidden from public view. She was definitely rifiling around to have found them. We were no longer allowed to keep our sanitary products in the restrooms after this.

-A grief stricken mother tipping her son’s casket while wailing and trying to climb inside. Less inappropriate than it was terribly sad.

-Caught a junkie relative digging deep into the pockets of the deceased looking for, the family and is assumed, money.

-A woman pulling down her child’s pants and letting it shit in a potted plant.

-The funeral home owner’s horrible dog sashaying up to the front and taking a giant liquid shit in front of the casket and horrified guests in the middle of the service.

-The same dog biting someone at another service.

-Tons of brawls. Lots of drinking. Biker funerals were INSANE. The women were meaner than hell and fighting one another constantly. The dudes were awesome though. Super respectful, cleaned the place up perfectly, and even hauled their trash away. Most of which was bags of beer cans and liquor bottles. I loved biker funerals.

I have some, SO many. But I’ll stop here.”

#1. Poo Poopy Doo.

Not super inappropriate, but my grandfather was always a trickster. He had a great sense of humor. He had this little song he would sing to me, my siblings, and my little cousins where he would just repeat the words “poo poopy doo” over and over. At his funeral, my aunt was telling stories about him and in the middle of her telling a story, my 6 year old cousin screamed “POO POOPY DOO” in front of 50 people. Needless to say it lightened the mood a little bit and made everyone a little happier remembering him in a good way.

Edit: for people asking, it’s not the Betty Boop song ?

Seriously, what is wrong with people?

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