Hypochondriacs Share Their “This Is It, the Big One” Stories

I know some peole who are total hypochondriacs. They always think they’re dying, they’re constantly on WebMD analyzing their symptoms, and they’re always preparing me and other people for the worst.

Annnnnnnd, they’re always fine and nothing ever happens to them. I guess that’s just the way it is with these people!

Here are 16 funny stories from these folks who are always convinced that something is wrong with them.

1. It’s the Jello.

2. Just let it out.

3. That is hilarious.

4. Needed that info.

5. Way too many Oreos.

6. You’ve been sleepwalking.

7. No motor skills.

8. Wasn’t “the big one”.

9. That explains it.

10. The culprit: an air freshener.

11. A serious issue.

12. Might’ve been Hershey’s.

13. Lay off the beets.

14. I’m seeing double!

15. Learned a lesson.

16. A good friend.


I have to admit, I do this sometimes myself, so I feel for these folks.

What about you? Are you a hypochondriac?

If so, tell us about some of your fears and stories in the comments! We’re here to listen!

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Some People Believe Corona Beer Has Something to Do with the Coronavirus

Yes, that’s right, the Mexican-style beer Corona. With a lime or without, I couldn’t say, but I can promise you here and now that alcohol makes viruses and other icky junk disappear, not the other way around.

In general, I mean, not as a treatment protocol – don’t drink beer if you feel sick.

The coronavirus in the news is a new respiratory-type illness that started in Wuhan, China. It’s now infected around 40,000 people, mostly in China, and the death toll is nearly at 1000 (also mostly in China).

People are scared, because this is a new illness without a treatment protocol, but the truth is that 80,000 people died from the regular flu in the United States in 2017. So that’s just something to keep this all in perspective.

Right now, scientists aren’t sure how the coronavirus outbreak began, but they’re reasonably sure that the virus jumped from an animal species into humans, probably at one of the open-air bushmeat markets so popular in China.

We can say for sure, though, that it’s not caused by drinking Corona beer.

A lot of people seemed determined to prove the movie Idiocracy (and Aldous Huxley) right by believing that they’re safe if they don’t drink Corona beer, though.

Search engines are getting tons of requests for “beer virus,” “corona beer virus,” and the like – so many people were searching, in fact, that Corona issued an official statement denying any involvement.

Really.

The internet is largely having fun at these people’s expense, and I’m not really mad about it – I just don’t know how we got to this place as a species, or how to go back.

Because this way lies madness and monsters, and for sure the end of the world.

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Food Poisoning May Not Be Because of the Last Thing You Ate

There are two different kinds of food-borne intestinal distress, the first of which sets in a few hours after a meal and may leave you nauseous (or even running for the bathroom). This one, believe it or not, is actually the milder case, and your body typically finds relief after evacuating the offending meal.

The other sort of food poisoning – what I like to refer to as “real” food poisoning – doesn’t arrive until between 12-24 hours (at the earliest) after the bad food passed your lips, and it could leave you praying for death on your bathroom floor for up to 24 hours after that.

Yeah. Did it once, do not ever wish to repeat.

The CDC lists four common culprits of food-borne illness: norovirus, Salmonella enterica, Clostridium perfringens, and Campylobacter jejuni. The time from ingestion to symptoms varies from (at least) 6 hours with Salmonella to up to 2 days with Campylobacter.

So, even if your last meal is the one coming up (and the one your mind will associate with the terribleness for years to come), it’s probably not the culprit in the worst cases of food-borne nastiness.

Sadly, there’s nothing much to do besides cry, call your mom, and camp out in the bathroom until its over. You should try to keep down liquids (ha!) and call a doctor if you haven’t been able to for over 24 hours.

There’s not a whole lot you can do to prevent nasty microbes from arriving with your dinner in a restaurant (or a hotdog at a ballpark, in my case), but at home, make sure to wash your hands and prep surfaces regularly, avoid contamination between raw and cooked foods, cook to recommended internal temperatures, and yeah, did I mention washing your hands?

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#MaxFact: After four outbreaks in less than two years where likely contaminated romaine lettuce contained deadly E. coli O157: H7, the Food and Drug Administration is turning to microbial testing for clues for the next year to try to figure out what’s happening. ⠀ .⠀ The FDA reports it is now “conducting a small, focused assignment to collect samples of the raw agricultural commodity (RAC) romaine lettuce to test for salmonella app and pathogenic Escherichia coli…” ⠀ .⠀ The year-long testing program will run through November 2020. Testing for Shiga Toxin-producing E. coli or STECS includes the microbial hazards associated with romaine lettuce consumption. The FDA will collect raw lettuce that is trimmed or washed in its natural form before processing. ⠀ .⠀ The four E. coli outbreaks infected a total of 320 people and were notable for their high hospitalization rates. Five outbreak patients died. [source: freshplaza.com]

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Take extra care with foods like shellfish, red meat, poultry, eggs, and fresh fruits and vegetables, as these are at the highest risk for carrying pathogens.

Wash your lettuce and berries, people. Trust me (and the CDC) on this one.

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It Might Be Healthier For Men To Pee Sitting Down, According to Science

Even from the youngest of age, sitting down to pee when you could do it standing up is apparently something people with penises resist.

I get that it’s probably way more fun to aim, or pee in circles, or whatever, but listen up males: it turns out there are actual health reasons to sit down on the pot.

Urologist and professor Dr. Jamin Brahmbhatt says that goes double for older men who might be beginning to experience prostate issues. In fact, sitting can help men empty their bladders more effectively if their prostates are large and they need to help relax the pelvic muscles in an effort to help push the urine out.

Being able to fully empty your bladder can reduce the risks  of cysts and other health complications associated with enlarged prostates.

Image Credit: Pixabay

Doctors and scientists aren’t totally sure what causes the prostate to enlarge in aging males, though since men without testicles rarely experience the phenomenon, it’s likely connected in some way to hormone levels.

It doesn’t necessarily mean you’re at an elevated risk for prostate cancer, but the enlarged prostate on its own can cause medical issues. But here’s the thing… most, if not all of those issues, can be relieved by sitting down to pee. Yeah, it can be THAT simple.

And if you’re young (under 50), there are other reasons to start sitting – mostly hygienic.

Physicists (yes, they actually studied this) have found that peeing standing up significantly increases the velocity of the stream and potential for splatter, which leads to truly disgusting, bacteria-filled bathrooms.

Image Credit: Pixabay

Dr. Brahmbhatt adds his two cents on the matter,

“There are men that have bad aim and can soak the toilet with splatters of urine.

Sitting and urinating on the toilet does increase your odds of making sure the urine is actually going down the drain.”

I mean, why not just go ahead and start practicing for the big transition on your 50th birthday now?

Your wife, and your bathroom floors, would be delighted.

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Here’s How to Tell the Difference Between Allergies and a Cold

From a runny nose to overall fatigue, the symptoms of allergies can be frustratingly similar to those of a cold – so how do know how you should try and recuperate?

If you find yourself sidelined and under the weather, here are a few fool-proof ways to figure out if you’re allergies are flaring up or if you’ve caught a common cold.

Skin Rash: Allergies

Photo Credit: Pixabay

Can’t seem to scratch that itch away? This is a tell-tale sign of an allergic reaction.

According to Arizona-based allergist Amy Shah, “Itchy eyes, nose, ear, or throat are associated with allergies because of the compound histamine, which is what the body releases when allergy cells are activated and cause an itch.”

If you have a cold, this wouldn’t be a typical symptom. You may need to utilize topical creams or medication to help alleviate that persistent itch.

Sore Throat: Cold

Waking up with a sore throat is just a bad start to the day. Even mouth-breathers know the difference between a bad night’s sleep and the early warning signs of sickness.

A sore throat signals an oncoming cold (or one that has already arrived to the party) and can be pesky to deal with. According to Dr. Ian Tong, the chief medical officer at Doctor On Demand, “Colds are viruses that affect the upper airway. The virus can spread to the entire respiratory system including the throat, causing soreness.”

You can treat a sore throat with different home remedies, including tea and honey. Just don’t expect to join in on Friday night karaoke this week.

Fever: Cold

While some symptoms of an allergic reaction can mirror those of a cold, having a fever is not one of them. If you start to feel overheated, it means you’ve caught a cold or some other illness.

According to Dr. Matthew Mintz, “When you contract a viral infection, one of the primary ways the body helps to fight the infection is by increasing the body’s temperature to kill the virus.”

Watery Eyes: Allergies

If you’re constantly dealing with itchy and watery eyes, your allergies are the likely culprit. Dr. Shah recommends that you rinse your eyes with water and use allergy drops to keep your eyes clear.

Green Snot: Cold

Blow your nose and check what just came out (gross, I know). If you find Hulk-like green snot, you may have a cold. According to Dr. Mintz, “In general, the nasal discharge in allergies is clear and watery. While a cold can also cause clear nasal discharge, it can often become yellow or even green.”

No matter what you’ve got going on, best stock up on tissues, my friends.

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Patagonia’s CEO Donated Company’s $10 Million Tax Cut to Fight Climate Change

As much as some people (and organizations) out there would like to bury their heads in the sand and pretend climate change doesn’t exist, it is very real, and its effects are growing more drastic.

Because of the 2018 rewrite of America’s tax laws – a tax code revision that greatly benefited corporations by lowering the corporate tax rate by almost a third for most companies – Patagonia paid $10 million less in taxes that year than it had anticipated. So the company’s CEO, Rose Marcario, decided to donate the $10 million to non-profit groups that are working to fight climate change and help the environment.

Marcario believed the corporate tax cut was not a good thing, and she wrote, “Based on last year’s irresponsible tax cut, Patagonia will owe less in taxes this year—$10 million less, in fact. Instead of putting the money back into our business, we’re responding by putting $10 million back into the planet. Our home planet needs it more than we do.”

Speaking about climate change deniers, including many in government, Marcario wrote, “Far too many have suffered the consequences of global warming in recent months, and the political response has so far been woefully inadequate—and the denial is just evil.”

Patagonia has been a friend of the environment for many years now and their website says the company has donated more than $89 million to environmental groups to fight climate change.

Let’s hope that more corporations and individuals make their voices heard about the extreme consequences of climate change that are occurring around us every day. This isn’t something that might happen in the future, this is taking place right now.

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The Coronavirus Can Be Tracked on Johns Hopkins’ Website

The coronavirus, or 2019-nCoV, has spread throughout mainland China and beyond. The virus makes daily headlines, though reports about this new respiratory disease are constantly changing, which makes monitoring it a challenge for everyday people.

However, the Center for Systems Science and Engineering (CSSE) at Johns Hopkins University has provided a way for those outside the medical community to see how widespread coronavirus is with an online dashboard tracking the outbreak as information is confirmed.

Photo Credit: Johns Hopkins University

Users can see hard data regarding numbers of confirmed cases and their locations, as well as recoveries and deaths. Clicking through the various figures and graphs will expand the information further.

For those who like to see the hard facts without the grabbing verbiage of online news outlets, this website will prove to be revealing, if not fascinating. Use it to become informed, but be wary if you live in an area with confirmed cases. You don’t want to scare yourself unnecessarily.

Photo Credit: Pixabay

So far, the Center for Disease Control (CDC) reports that the cases found in the U.S. are people who had recent and close contact with travelers from Wuhan – or were travelers themselves. They state the virus is not spreading throughout communities.

While they call the coronavirus a “very serious public health threat,” it’s also unclear how the threat will affect the U.S. at this time. As of right now, the threat-level to citizens in the U.S. who are not actively treating or being exposed to coronavirus patients in a medical setting is low.

Photo Credit: Edwards AFB

In the meantime, wash your hands, keep yourself healthy and check out that factual dashboard if your concerned or even curious about the coronavirus spread stateside.

And maybe buy a few medical masks, just in case.

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The HPV Vaccine Has Nearly Eliminated Related Cancers in England

Well, this is interesting…

HPV – the human papillomavirus – is the most prevalent sexually transmitted infection among sexually active people. One of the reasons it’s so transmitted is that most people show few or no symptoms and there’s not even a test for men, so there’s often no way to be warned that you might have it, much less be transmitting it. There are dozens of strains, most of which are virtually harmless.

But two strains, HPV16 and HPV18, are not at all harmless. In fact, those two strains alone cause 70% of HPV-related cancers.

 

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For the last decade there has been a vaccine available for teenagers, male and female, that targets HPV16 and HPV18 (as well as other higher-risk strains of the virus), but it (like other vaccines) has faced hesitancy from parents.

England, though, began a mass vaccination program in schools, and the results have been staggering.

The latest statistics from Public Health England suggest there has been a massive slowdown of new infections of HPV among sexually active young women.

Researchers used a group of 584 women between the ages of 16 to 18, and found that none of them were infected – compared to a rate of around 15% infection ten years ago, when the program began.

Dr. Vanessa Saliba, the consultant epidemiologist on the project, says the team also believes the report indicates a wider decline of the virus in England overall.

“This is clear evidence of the success of our immunisation programme, which continues to achieve high coverage. With millions of young women protected by HPV vaccination, we expect to see big reductions in cervical cancer in years to come and the introduction of the boys’ programme will accelerate this progress.”

Even though the vaccine targets the highest-risk strains, researchers also say there’s some evidence suggesting that other types of the virus have also declined.

England’s vaccination rates since the program began have soared to nearly 84%. Scotland has implemented a similar program with equally positive results, and Australia may well be the first country to eliminate HPV-related cervical cancer over the next 20 years.

There has been at least one study to suggest that even if HPV could be curbed, cervical cancer would remain a threat, since HPV is not the only known contributor to the disease, but scientists are quick to cast a shadow over those results.

Jonathan Ball, a molecular biology professor at the University of Nottingham, admits that the authors do “raise some important points highlighting that HPV vaccination isn’t the absolute panacea for cervical cancer prevention,” but also reminds us that “undoubtedly the current HPV vaccines are effective at preventing infection with the types of virus known to cause cervical and other cancers.”

It all boils down to this: we have a vaccine that has a 70% (or maybe better, if we can get the rates up high enough) chance of preventing your child from contracting at least one type of cancer, and we know that it works.

So, even if you can’t protect them from everything, you can protect them from this one thing, and isn’t that something to celebrate?

It’s definitely something to do. 

I mean, if you ask me.

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Experts Claim That 98.6 Is No Longer Reliably the Average Body Temperature

This is bad news for all of those kids headed to the nurse’s office, praying their thermometer spits out a temperature of 100 degrees or higher – you’re most likely starting from a point lower than 98.6.

The world’s “normal” body temperature was established back in the 19th century, and though most accept it as a reasonable average, doctors and scientists have always known that variables like gender, size, age, time of day, and other factors can play into the thermometer’s readout.

 

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Recent research, though, shows that not only has the average body temperature dropped since it was established by Carl Reinhold in 1851, it’s dropped significantly just since the 1970s – about 0.05 degrees Fahrenheit per decade, based on your birth year, explains Dr. Julie Parsonnet.

“People are stuck on the 98.6 number, but that number has always been wrong. There’s never been a real number because people vary.”

Also, Parsonnet and others involved in the study aren’t afraid to admit that there are still variables that remain unknown, as well. They looked at the temperatures of three groups of data – one from a study of Civil War veterans’ as they returned from war, another from a CDC record from the 1970s, and a third of Stanford health clinic patients from 2007 to 2017.

 

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Men born in the 2000s typically run about 1.06 degrees Fahrenheit lower than men born in the early 1800s. For women, they’re running around 0.58 degrees Fahrenheit lower than women born in the 1890s.

The researchers say it’s unclear what’s causing the continued decline, or what it could mean for our health moving forward. That people have grown both taller and heavier, and that metabolic rates have slowed, likely all factor in.

The fact that a good portion of the population in the mid-19th century could have been fighting diseases like syphilis, tuberculosis, and periodontal disease also means infections (and fevers) may have been raising the average.

 

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Doctors like Dr. Edward Ward, an emergency medicine physician at Rush University Medical Center, say that for now, the information won’t change they way they assess and treat patients.

“It’s not surprising that there will be changes (in normal body temperature) since the Industrial Revolution. As an ER doctor, I’m looking for abnormalities. …there’s a difference between having what is medically considered having a fever and feeling feverish. If someone is normal 96 and then suddenly they’re 99, they probably feel uncomfortable.”

Parsonnet and her team echoed the sentiment, stating that how you feel is more important than the numbers on your thermometer.

That said, they are excited to follow the research further.

“We are having human cooling, and we don’t know what that means, but its’ good to know that it’s happening.”

Until we know more, trust your instincts out there. You know your body better than anyone else, and if you feel like you’re ill or feverish, stay home until you feel better.

If you’re a kid, you could try printing off this research for your school’s nurse, but no promises.

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You Might Want to Check Your Bottled Water’s Expiration Date Before You Start Drinking

Keeping hydrated is important, but not every bottle of water is safe for drinking. It may sound weird, but just like meat, dairy and many other items you pick up at the grocery store, bottled water has an expiration date.

Let that sink in a moment.

Luckily, unlike those berries that tend to go bad quick, you have a long time to drink your bottled water. In fact, the expiration date on the bottle has nothing to do with the water itself.

Bet you never thought of that one, right?

There’s a good reason for the expiration label: it turns out that the plastics used for both retail bottles and water cooler jugs can become toxic over time.

According to Amy Leigh Mercee, a holistic health expert and author, “[These plastics] will leach into the liquid the bottle once expired or especially when exposed to heat, including sunlight, and hot cars or storage trucks.”

Hint: That probably means it’s time to get rid of the graveyard of half-filled water bottles in your backseat.

Mercee added, “The toxicity contained in the plastic material enters the water. It is disruptive to the endocrine system, causing reproductive symptoms, various cancers, [and] neurological problems, and damaging the immune system.”

She continued, saying that bottled water companies typically use a two-year expiration date, which is the industry standard. However, it is important to keep in mind that the longer a bottle has been in circulation, the more likely the chance it has been exposed to heat.

“Even a brand new plastic bottle that sat in a hot delivery truck for hours or more can already have adverse and toxic compounds present in the water even when first delivered to the grocery store,” Mercee cautioned.

At the end of the day, it’s best to store bottled water in a cool, dark place far from household chemicals or other potential contaminants. Not only will your water last longer and taste better but it will also be safer.

…and that’s the whole point of bottled water.

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