Category: Funny

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Tweets for People Who Are Perpetually Single

There are people out there who, once they’re out of a relationship, are immediately getting back into the game, and within a week or two are probably dating someone new.

I’ve never understood that. I don’t get it. It takes me forever to recover. And I know I’m not alone in that. I know that a lot of y’all, like me, are pretty much perpetually single, and that it’s a state of mind that you kind of get used to and learn to laugh at, because, hey, it’s your thing.

To help us laugh along about it, here are some funny tweets. From single Twitter funny peeps.

10. The cycle continues

Look, it’s been a very long afternoon, we’ve been through a lot together.

9. Lonely hearts club

Hey now, let’s not make any sweeping conclusions.

8. The big sleep

And they said that romance was dead.

7. Hoping and praying

And how has that gone for you so far?

6. The realization

The grass is always greener on the other side of the bed.

5. So extra

Ooo, look at me, I can afford “avocado” and “breakfast.”

4. Unsolved mysteries

We can’t know. There’s just no way to know.

3. Remember these steps

It might just save your life.

2. The cold light of day

To be fair, nothing is as fun sober.

1. Red flag alert

Cut your losses and live your life.

Being single can be a drag but it’s not all bad. I mean, consider this: you get all the oreos to yourself.

What’s the best part of being single to you?

Tell us in the comments.

The post Tweets for People Who Are Perpetually Single appeared first on UberFacts.

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Check Out Some of the Most Brutal Burns on the Internet

The internet is really just a place where we go to fight with each other in new and innovative ways.

Luckily, some of those ways are actually funny, and some fighters use their knowledge and wits to make the battle as sophisticated and satisfying as it is brutal.

Such is the way with these particular entries. Players – start!

14. If you don’t like it, leave

It’s fun to pair your heartlessness with insults so everybody knows right away you don’t actually care what happens to anybody who isn’t you.

13. Over the moon

What I love about this reply is the the original tweet is gone now and it doesn’t even matter because it’s a one-size-fits-all rebuttal.

12. Just imagine

I’ll bet you’d like a little of that splash now that ya burnt so bad, huh?

11. The gold standard

An absolute classic, the metaphor we all need.

https://aetherkidatheart.tumblr.com/post/162904307683/firstdegreeliberty-heimwehr-robloxgf

10. Under pressure

The thing about gay marriage is that “believing in it” is irrelevant.
It’s just a thing that happens.
It’s not the Loch Ness Monster.

https://kaiserneko.tumblr.com/post/121816884560/rp0077-micasablumpkins

9. Soup’s on

Ok but how though?

https://keetongu.tumblr.com/post/142088033928/still-fancy-that-cup-of-soup-now

8. The they

Seriously, everyone I grew up with used “they” as a gender-neutral singular all the time and didn’t have a problem with it until people started asking them to.

https://heyheyrenay.tumblr.com/post/180041315239/mauthedoog-baras

7. Absolutely smoked

You walked right into that one.

6. This is relevant

English is just a stew.

5. Under control

We get it, you’re vaped.

4. Would love to come

It’s five bucks dude, that’s like one beer.

3. Densely speaking

Shine bright like a diamond.

2. Soup strikes back!

No idea if this response is real but I want it to be.

1. Just a little bit

Let’s get way down deep.

Well I need to go fan myself off after all that heat.

What’s the best comeback you’ve heard recently?

Tell us in the comments.

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Weird Ways to Turn Lies into Money

With all the lies we’re constantly surrounded by, it’s kind of frustrating that we can’t glean SOME kind of good out of them.

But what if we could…

Every time someone lies to you, $100 gets deposited to your bank account. What is the fastest way for you to get rich? from AskReddit

How might the denizens of Reddit capitalize on such a universe? Let’s find out.

1. Start a business.

Contract myself out as a foolproof lie detector.

– GMaimneds

2. Get both sides.

Ask my mum and dad individually about how their divorce went down

– maayooo6381

3. Pretty please?

Gather all your relatives and ask “I am beautiful, right?”.

Easy cash

– [user deleted]

4. Scam-a-thon.

Give you email address and phone number out at every available opportunity and let the scams roll in

– acrobaticalpaca6464

5. Be a vet.

I’m a veterinarian.

They’re not giving the pills to the dog like I told you to, the check is not in the mail, you’re not cutting out his treats, and you’re not exercising them enough.

Seriously, I’d make a fortune.

– Algaean

6. Shop around.

Attend one political rally after the other.

And if votes are not in season, go shopping for used cars or looking for houses.

– Treczoks

7. Doing the math.

I can say “1+1=3” in .72 seconds (yes, I did time myself). If I make a full minute of that, that’s 83 (.33) lies per minute. At x10 speed that’s 830 lies per minute. If I play this track over itself such that they never line up perfectly, then I can get a lie to start at each of the smallest increments the editing software can handle. So if it can handle .01 at the smallest, then you get 83×72 (5976) recordings in one track. Played at x10 speed, lol, you get 59,760 lies per minute for $5,976,000 per minute.

If you take that track and auto tune it to every possible frequency that can be assigned by the software you use (let’s pretend it’s 1000) then you can be lied to at every frequency in every split second at x10 speed. For 59,760,000 lies per minute. This makes a whopping 5,976,000,000 per minute. Suck a dick, Bezos.

Will this sound like garbage? Ya, totally. But if I quietly dub this over whatever songs are in my music playlists then I can listen to music while I get lied to. Hell, the music might even have some lies in it. Cardi can’t have a WAP 24/7, right? According to Ben that’s not healthy.

– Arkmer

8. Ho ho ho!

Talk about your suspicions of Santa’s validity, in a large crowd, while holding a 5y on your lap.

– [user deleted]

9. Spare some change.

Beg on a busy street.

“I’m hungry, do you have some change?”

– ozdkyt

10. Your own terms.

Make a website where someone has to check a box stating they’ve read and agree to the terms and conditions

– grungerat_

11. What an opportunity!

Go to an MLM convention.

Those hun bots will get you rich quicker than they claim LuLaRoe will!

– cmonyy

12. Be precise.

Ask them everyone how old they are.

They could say 26, but in reality they are actually 26 years, 3 months, 12 days, 8 hours, 2 minutes and 22 seconds.

– Ooodles-of-nooodles

13. Farm it out.

giving 10$ to every person that lies to you.

– NotAFatAlien

14. Work in tech.

I mean, I work at a tech company and we get lies all the time.

I’m pretty sure half of the people could just go to work and make an easy thousand dollars

– billionai1

15. Not OK.

Just go around saying “Hi, how are you?”

“Good!”

$100

– peon2

Of course, the definition of “lie” might challenge some of these. Does it have to be something simply untrue, or something the speaker KNOWS to be untrue? Does anything involving an opinion count or does it have to be objective?

There are many things to consider.

Keep the conversation going in the comments.

The post Weird Ways to Turn Lies into Money appeared first on UberFacts.

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People Speculate How They Would Turn Lies Into Money

As Dr. House taught us, “everybody lies.”

He was able to turn that not-quite-epiphany alongside a fictitiously brilliant medical mind into big bucks and huge clout.

But what about those of us who failed chemistry or whatever? How might we spin lies into cash? Maybe through a scenario like this?

Every time someone lies to you, $100 gets deposited to your bank account. What is the fastest way for you to get rich? from AskReddit

Let’s get creative with the people of Reddit.

1. Psychics.

Walk down the alley of fortune tellers and future psychics.

I’m interested in two things: if they lie, I get $100 rather quickly; if they are telling the truth, then I found something game changing.

– crispybaconsalad

2. The DMV.

Go to work.

I work at my local DMV office and people can and will lie about everything.

– mommy876

3. Cut people in.

just say “tell me a lie and I’ll give you 10 bucks, no questions asked. Doesn’t even matter the lie, just tell me a lie.”

It would be a great YouTube video too.

– Nroke1

4. Rekindle a flame.

Get back together with my ex.

I figure in one month alone I’ll be a multimillionaire, sky’s the limit.

– MAXIMILIAN-MV

5. The pharmacy.

Go to work.

I’m a pharmacist, people lie to me (and themselves) all day, every day.

I wouldn’t have to keep working for long.

– thatmedicinegirl

6. Have kids.

I have small children.

Did you hit your brother? Did you break that? Have you brushed your teeth?

2 kids, both lying to each question, I’ll be able to hire a nanny and go sit on a private island within a week

– BaymaxIsMyPatronusv

7. Pretend to have kids.

Show people a picture of an ugly baby and claim that’s your kid.

Everyone says a baby is cute, even when they look like a gremlin that was fed after midnight.

– ChefChopNSlice

8. Enlist!

Go talk to a Marine Corps recruiter.

I mean, that was the old way….now we can just watch anything political on the major new channels

– avidtraveler81

9. Fairytale solutions.

Build a Pinocchio

– Geronimoguy

10. Start a business.

Become a freelance reporter and offer to interview multiple politicians. Or if you just wanna exploit it.

Instead of making it your main income you could just advertise that you’re literally the only reliable and scientifically proven lie detector. That way you can just set open a thing displaying your deposits and ask anyone anything and if is a lie you’ll get a deposit, otherwise you know it’s the truth.

You could literally earn like 50k a day interviewing suspected spies and political prisoners.

– FreenBurgler

11. At church.

Go to a church and start asking people, “How much and what kind of p*rn do you watch?”

– genericname692

12. Have kids.

My kids lie to me dozens of times a day.

I could probably top that, but as it is I literally would pull in about $60k a month.

Not rich per se but definitely richer than anyone I know.

– Painting_Agency

13. Get the vax facts.

Go to an Antivaxxer Facebook page or website and ask them why they think vaccines are bad

If there’s enough Karens, I’ll be swimming in gold after an hour of typing.

– BLizardLeLizard

14. Tools of the trade.

Attend a huge trade show and listen to every sales pitch.

– EmEmAndEye

15. Recursive thinking.

Post “Can you tell me a 1 lie about yourself?” on r/askreddit

– PoinDexter90

And remember, as Dr. House would say, “It’s not lupus.”

Do you have another creative answer to this question?

Hit us with it in the comments.

The post People Speculate How They Would Turn Lies Into Money appeared first on UberFacts.

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Here’s Proof That Someone’s Last Day on the Job Is Not the Day to Test Them

Depending on the circumstances, a person’s last day at a job can either be a time of uncertainty, or even anger, or it can be a cause to celebrate moving on to something better (even if you’re a bit sad about leaving behind the people you know).

Either way, a person who is performing their final hours of duty doesn’t have a lot of f**ks to give, y’all. There can be no consequences (of the garden variety) and so their patience for bulls*%t is probably pretty low.

This girl was on her last day as a hostess at a restaurant where people are required to wear masks as part of a corporate policy.

So it’s my last day at my most recent restaurant job. Now the restaurant I work in requires all customers wear masks when they’re not at the table. I try to explain that it comes from a corporate level and I have no say in the matter, but I end up dealing with a lot of angry people.

A large group comes in without masks. She informs them they have to wear them whenever they are not seated at their table, and a pregnant woman objects, saying she has a medical exemption.

The restaurant doesn’t recognize those, and it’s just to the table, OP explains.

I’m a host and a large party comes in. I tell the party that everyone needs to wear masks until they get to the table. A younger pregnant lady tells me she is not required because she’s pregnant and has a medical exemption. I explain that our restaurant does not recognize medical exemptions and she will be required to wear one just until she gets to the table.

The party argues and blusters, but everyone puts on their masks and heads to their meal.

On the way out, the pregnant lady asks for OPs name in a sugary, not-sweet voice.

The whole group gives me the usual snark, legal arguments, conspiracy theories etc. but eventually they all put on their masks and are seated. Well about an hour later the party is leaving. The pregnant woman comes back to the host stand. She thanks us for excellent service and asks me (in a tone that was polite but laced with contempt) what my name is.

OP happily provided her name, since she wouldn’t be working there anymore when the woman called to complain – but also, she didn’t do anything wrong.

She even spelled it out, which I have to imagine was done with relish.

Now it’s my last day at this restaurant. The next day I will be in my pajamas, sipping coffee, and working from home without a care in the world. With my mask hiding my grin, I tell her my name proudly. My IRL name is unique and very easy to misspell so I spell it out for her letter by letter and makes sure she knows it right. I’m the only one with my name in the whole restaurant. In a tone that says “I’m gonna get you in so much trouble” she says “thaaank yooou” and leaves.

Everyone laughed about the lady who didn’t want to follow the rules, and honestly, it sounds like OP is hoping to hear some followup, and it’s hard to blame her.

All my coworkers joke about it being my last day and how much trouble I’m NOT going to be in as soon as she calls and finds out I no longer work there. I’m keeping up with Yelp and google reviews to see if my name pops up but nothing yet.

People started sharing their opinions.

Image Credit: Reddit

And they shared some interesting stories.

Image Credit: Reddit

Even if they had a bit of an opposite situation happen to them…

Image Credit: Reddit

I’m living a little bit vicariously because I always wished I would have an opportunity like this on a last day! Argh!

Has anything like this ever happened to you? Did you get the payoff you wanted?

The post Here’s Proof That Someone’s Last Day on the Job Is Not the Day to Test Them appeared first on UberFacts.

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People Shared the “Rock Bottom” Meals They Made During That Weird Time We’ll Never Talk About Again

I see all of you and I feel your pain…

No, I’m not talking about physical pain, I’m referring to the shame, disgust, and anger that you feel when you look in the mirror…because you’ve been making some really terrible decisions when it comes to cooking during the quarantine…

And so have I!

Hey, what can you do, right?

It gets pretty old trying to tantalize your tastebuds day in and day out when restaurants aren’t open. Do you want to know how many times I’ve had peanut butter and jelly for dinner in the last year? It’s a sad, sad state of affairs, trust me.

Take a look at these rock bottom quarantine meals and let us know if they stack up to what you’ve been doing in the kitchen.

1. You do you.

Might take a while to eat, though…

2. All up from here.

Not the worst thing I’ve ever heard.

3. What kind of dressing, though…

You need to fill us in!

4. Official hit rock bottom.

We wish you luck in the future…

5. Not quite, but almost…

You might need some help.

6. Sounds like a real snoozer.

Liven it up a little bit!

7. That does not sound good.

I’m just being honest with you.

8. You need to go to the store NOW.

Don’t wait until tomorrow.

9. Do what you gotta do.

We’re living in desperate times.

10. Phoning it in.

Is it really punk, though?

11. Apologize to the food lords.

They might not be able to forgive this one.

What’s your rock bottom meal from quarantine been?

Talk to us in the comments.

We’d love to hear from you!

The post People Shared the “Rock Bottom” Meals They Made During That Weird Time We’ll Never Talk About Again appeared first on UberFacts.

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People Admitted the Dumbest Ways They’ve Injured Themselves

We’ve all injured ourselves in dumb ways at one time or another, am I right?

You know it!

And now it’s confession time, folks…

Let’s see what these folks had to say about the dumbest ways they’ve injured themselves.

1. Not cool!

How do you explain that one?

2. A painful dance.

Gotta be careful!

3. It was all over…

You should’ve sat that game out!

4. The demonstration went awry.

Bad idea!

5. Top three.

You’re definitely accident prone.

6. This one hurts.

And you have to lie about it.

7. Just standing around…

That sucks.

8. Head first!

Not a good idea.

9. Always a dangerous maneuver.

Not many have pulled it off.

10. Oh, man!

Bad timing.

11. That doesn’t feel right.

Straight to the ER!

What’s the dumbest way YOU’VE injured yourself.

Spill your guts in the comments.

We can’t wait to hear from you!

The post People Admitted the Dumbest Ways They’ve Injured Themselves appeared first on UberFacts.

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Hilarious Memes to Satisfy Your Soul

I’ve been doing some soul searching and I’m gonna be honest: the only thing that really brings me true pleasure these days is funny memes.

But, hey, that’s better than nothing, right?!?!

You know it!

So how about you take a look at these memes and see if they touch you like they touched us…let’s get started…

1. Those things sure are pesky.

Just take them out of that drawer for good!

Photo Credit: pleated-jeans

2. Hey, it could be worse.

Just give it your best shot!

Photo Credit: pleated-jeans

3. No way! You were in the Suez Canal?!?!

That’s not what I pictured it to look like…

Photo Credit: pleated-jeans

4. Does that dog belong to you?

Or was it just roaming through the neighborhood?

Photo Credit: pleated-jeans

5. I had a feeling this was true.

Totally unbelievable.

Photo Credit: pleated-jeans

6. This is the worst!

Why can’t I have any energy during the week?!?!

Photo Credit: pleated-jeans

7. Just smack it around a little bit.

It even works sometimes!

Photo Credit: pleated-jeans

8. You’re making a lot of noise in there!

You always gotta check your pockets!

Photo Credit: pleated-jeans

9. What exactly is going on here?

It sounds kind of disturbing…

Photo Credit: pleated-jeans

10. This looks like a lot of fun.

We can hold hands in the bathroom again!

Photo Credit: pleated-jeans

11. This pretty much sums up life right now.

Please don’t ask me that question again…

Photo Credit: pleated-jeans

12. Can’t seem to find that energy!

Any advice or tips?

Photo Credit: pleated-jeans

Ahhhh, that was nice, wasn’t it?

Now let’s hear from you!

In the comments, share some more funny memes with us.

Thanks a lot, amigos!

The post Hilarious Memes to Satisfy Your Soul appeared first on UberFacts.

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Enjoy Some Possible Better Names for Animals for You to Think About

Your entire perspective is going to change today, people.

Because you’re about to learn something that I’m willing to bet a lot of you never thought you would…how do you feel about BETTER NAMES FOR ANIMALS?

Yes, you read that right! And all of us are in for a real treat today, because I personally believe that some animal names are just plain outdated and need to be freshened up.

For example: I’m sure you’re familiar with the manatee, right? That adorable creature sometimes called “the sea cow”? Well, from now on, all manatees will be called FLOATY POTATOES.

Are you ready to see some more? Let’s check them out!

1. The nope rope!

Don’t get near that thing!

2. Also, don’t get near this thing.

Can’t you see those antlers?!?!

3. Now this is a cool name.

It just flows right off the tongue.

4. A very dangerous chicken.

Stay far, far away…Actually, I don’t even know what this is.

5. A creature from the deep.

He’s headed straight for Red Lobster.

6. Awwww, who doesn’t love a manatee?

Or a Floaty Potato, I meant…

7. This one is spot-on!

You know it’s true!

8. There goes the ol’ wobble stick.

They’re kind of cute!

9. That’s when it’s time to RUN.

You better get going!

10. This is kind of horrific, not gonna lie.

And the name ain’t helping, either…

11. They sure are magical!

And colorful, too!

Okay, now it’s your turn.

In the comments, get creative and share some better names for animals that you’ve come up with.

We’d love to hear from you!

The post Enjoy Some Possible Better Names for Animals for You to Think About appeared first on UberFacts.

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You Asked For Hilarious Memes and We Delivered in a Big Way

You demanded and we listened.

That’s what we do here. We listen to what the people want and we deliver.

Actually, we OVERdeliver and we’re darn proud of it.

So enjoy these memes, friends. We think you’re gonna love them.

1. This plan is really coming together!

I love it when this happens!

Photo Credit: The Chive

2. Like making a deal with the devil.

Stealing socks away for centuries.

Photo Credit: The Chive

3. It never fails!

You know they love it!

Photo Credit: The Chive

4. Now what am I supposed to do?

I can’t exactly get up right now…

Photo Credit: The Chive

5. Those sewer mutants are gonna have an epic party!

This is what I call good luck!

Photo Credit: The Chive

6. Why must you torture yourself?

You are a glutton for punishment.

Photo Credit: The Chive

7. How the hell did that happen?

Can someone explain this to me?

Photo Credit: The Chive

8. It’s just not the same.

Sometimes, you just can’t handle that song.

Photo Credit: The Chive

9. She should probably lay off the sauce.

It doesn’t seem to agree with her.

Photo Credit: The Chive

10. How’s that working out for you?

Keep trying! You can only go up from here!

Photo Credit: The Chive

11. Look at that rhino run!

I wonder what kind of drugs the dog was on…

Photo Credit: The Chive

12. That escalated very quickly.

Please don’t get arrested tonight…

Photo Credit: The Chive

13. Always a weird group.

And at least two people aren’t gonna pull their weight…

Photo Credit: pleated-jeans

Let’s keep this party going, shall we?

In the comments, please share some more funny memes with us.

We can’t wait to see what you come up with!

The post You Asked For Hilarious Memes and We Delivered in a Big Way appeared first on UberFacts.