Category: Funny

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People Open Up About Their Most Useless Talents

Useless talents, or useless skills. We all have them. I’m really good at the pogo stick, for example. I set a record of over 5,000 consecutive jumps as a kid.

Why? I have no idea. It wasn’t a competition. Nobody even saw me do it. I just jumped and counted in the driveway one morning until I got too tired to keep going. And it’s the little things like that you learn to treasure.

What’s a useless talent of yours? from AskReddit

Let’s hear about some other useless treasures, via Reddit.

1. The impossible

I can fit the usb into the slot in the first try every time

– Panja_Paradesi

2. Dirty Al

I can make a disgusting parody out of any song. ANY song.

– speedballmonkey

3. The sweet sense

Knowing if someone is unpacking any sweets in the kitchen.

– straight-up-bs

4. Just browsing

I trained for a long time to only move one eyebrow as a child and as a side effect I can wriggle my ear on that side too.

Once I could lift one eyebrow I was satisfied and didn’t bother to train the other side.

– DerWassermann

5. Burp beyond limits

I can burp whenever I want and as much I want, without limits.

I mean, I can fill my stomach with air at will, allowing me to burp again and again. Also I can hold it long enough to make it go down and allow me to rip massive 7-9 seconds long farts.

Downside is that is that all that air pressure makes me look like an 8-month pregnant.

Upside is that I don’t have to worry about constipation, all that pressure pushes my poop down so fast I literally sh*t brown missiles out my *ss. I also don’t have to worry about inflatables in the pool/sea, I just float without a problem.

– N1664TR0N3000

6. ϱnibɒɘɿ ɘƨɿɘvɘЯ

I can read mirrored writing (without mirror), read upside down writing (without turning anything upside down), and read mirrored upside down writing (you guessed it. Without using mirrors or turning anything upside down).

– SalFunction12

7. The true accent

I can imitate nearly any accent and sound like a native speaker. (has been confirmed by people I’ve met from a variety of nations, and no, they weren’t just being polite to the goofy American.) I can’t speak French for sh*t though. I sound like Clark Griswold in “National Lampoon’s European Vacation”.

– DeadLined784

8. Forget and forget

I have a wonderful ability to forget people’s names almost immediately after they tell me then avoid asking until its reached a point where it’s far too awkward to bring it up

– Pale-Yam8117

9. Speaking my language

I can program in shellscript, it’s useful on very rare occasions.

– Flynntheforce

10. Sniff ’em out

I can tell when a u.s. currency bill is counterfeit with my eyes closed.

– Fromoogiewithlove

11. Opening doors

Not super useless since it has a few uses but I can open doors with my feet.

It’s best with doorknobs.

If I have my hands full and I’m not wearing any shoes or socks I usually do this method.

– TrutiTru

12. Take the stairs

I am exceptional at going down stairs two at a time

– tungstenwalrus2

13. That rocks

I am weirdly good at skipping rocks.

Just did it a lot as a kid and now people get excited when I toss a rock and it skips 20 times.

– contrary-contrarian

14. Work up an appetite

When I start talking about food people start drooling.

Apparently I just start getting really descriptive about the things I like.

Came in handy when I was working as a waiter at one restaurant and a cashier at another. I was able to upsell more customers than anyone else.

Most of the time these days it is pretty useless.

– RabbitsRuse

15. Achieving enlightenment

You know that question “what is the sound of one hand clapping?”

I can answer it, with either hand.

– calcbone

I dunno, I’m pretty envious of some of those. The accent thing seems pretty killer.

What’s YOUR useless talent?

Tell us about it in the comments.

The post People Open Up About Their Most Useless Talents appeared first on UberFacts.

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Great Tweets to Feed Your Daily Need for Comedy

I can’t recall the entire Lord’s Prayer from my Sunday School days, but I’m pretty sure there was a part in there about asking the Lord for our daily tweets. Or was it bread? Did Jesus say “Let’s get this bread?” Is that communion?

Sorry, not to blaspheme, it’s just that getting a daily allotment of tweets is practically a religion for me at this point so it’s sort of sunk its way into my brain in place of a lot of other stuff.

Without further ado, let’s get this bread. I mean tweets.

10. Skip ahead

Surely this is what the Olympians themselves must have felt.

9. I kneed your touch

After this it’s not gonna take much.

8. Fun in the sun

Well now he’s not the only one who’s gonna be hot.

7. Get your jollies

For me, it’ll probably be Reese’s Pieces. Not the entire Reece. Just a piece.

6. From the jump

Our entire lives are being permanently catalogued, we’re all screwed.

5. No, this is Patrick

And suddenly the Romance of that impossibly beautiful place is gone.

4. Just watch

DO NOT BETRAY US LIKE THIS. WE HAVE FEELINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE ANGER.

3. Turnabout’s fair play

Yeah we are pretty screwed.

2. Explosive news

Now let’s all be cool here…but down the blue explosives…

1. Read for liftoff

Yeah, why does that happen?

And with that, our daily tweets sustain us. Amen.

Who are your favorite people to follow on Twitter, and why?

Tell us all about them in the comments.

The post Great Tweets to Feed Your Daily Need for Comedy appeared first on UberFacts.

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Now is the Time to Embrace the #BookFace Challenge

Hey there. Take a little break from Facebook and enjoy some bookface.

No, I didn’t just have a stroke. At least I don’t think I did. It’s hard to tell since I’ve been scrolling through all these trippy book covers for a while. But I can easily explain:

#BookFace is a thing, or a “challenge” if you want to feel more accomplished, where people on Instagram match themselves up with the people on book covers, and then we all celebrate that instead of reading anything. It’s great fun! Come see!

15. The Governess

She’s here and she means business.

14. Because of You

Because of you I’m laughing pretty hard right now.

13. Leo is a Dog

(The title is in Norwegian. Took me way too long to realize that.)

12. Lady Warhol

Legs that go on for a finite amount of time.

11. Alice

We’re truly through the rabbit hole now.

10. This guy

No idea what the title is but the whole thing is looking suave.

9. Charles Dickens

Just as we all remember him.

8. The Portal of the Fairies

She’s in another world now.

7. Still Alice

A sequel to the one higher in the list?

6. Independent Spirits

You just gotta do you.

5. Food Lover’s Garden

When you just gotta grow yourself something nice.

4. Hello There

This is no specific book. It’s just the book we need.

3. Thanku

No, thank U.

2. Twilight

This is truly beyond the pale.

1. Leaving Paradise

Where are you taking us, though?

And with all the book face out of the way, you can return to Facebook.

But first! What’s your favorite book?

Tell us in the comments.

The post Now is the Time to Embrace the #BookFace Challenge appeared first on UberFacts.

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Hilarious Fails That You Need to See Right Now

There’s pretty much nothing better than a good fail compilation. It’s one of the only time-tested internet things that has really spanned the entirety of the existence of the information superhighway.

No matter how good the broadband gets, no matter how far we advance or how steeply we as a culture decline, no matter how rich or poor you are, there’s something universally and eternally appealing about watching things just go wrong and weird.

So let’s do that, shall we? Courtesy of the people of Twitter. God bless their souls.

10. Crunch N’ Munch

I kid you not, my grandparents (who are not hoarders) just keep a few random cereal boxes around at all times.
I have no idea why. Maybe it’s for this?

9. Pet not so smart

“I’m a whole new dog and I hate it a lot.”

8. The Cure

Am I part of the cure, or am I part of the disease?

7. Shop around

Since this tweet now has over 100k likes, it probably won’t be hard for them to find out.

6. Contractual agreement

That kid is absolutely right.

5. Disagree to disagree

Something tells me the replies did not agree to this.

4. Blocked

My door is always open, just not to you.

3. Technical difficulties

No matter how much money you have, none of us are immune.

2. Heart and Soul

I have yet to understand the difference between his character in 30 Rock and his real life.

1. I can’t stop farting

What a time to be alive.

Now that’s some good fails. I’d call this fail list a success.

What’s a fail you’ve witnessed lately?

Tell us in the comments.

The post Hilarious Fails That You Need to See Right Now appeared first on UberFacts.

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Tweets That Should Have Won Awards if They Were Given for Such Things

Welcome to the first annual Twitter Awards, hosted by me!

Only 13 of these awards are handed out yearly, for reasons known only to be, in categories which are likely to change from year to year.

So, now that we all understand it, put on your best “good sport loser” face and prepare for the glitz and glamour of award season with these thirteen funny tweets!

13. Best Book Tweet

Man, that would be hilarious.

12. Best Non-Trashy Pronoun Joke

And I wish you the very best of luck with you predicament.

11. Best Ice Cream Observation

This would work like semaphore or flying colors, allowing us to know from a distance what to avoid.

10. Best Historical Joke

Do you want a revolution?

9. Best Name

When your parents know from the start exactly where you’re life is going.

8. Best Biblical Rewrite

I’m sending you some materials for a script treatment now.

7. Most Money Award

Give me some while you’re at it?

6. Best Historical Contextualization

They’d probably burn it at the stake as a witch.

5. Best Reference

You sure come highly recommended.

4. Safest Gaming

The gentlest video game company makes the most dangerous stuff.

3. Best Multitasking

Are you still in class while you’re tweeting this?

2. Best Picture

It’s a tie!

1. Kids Choice Award

It’s hard to imagine a circumstance quite so dismal.

We hope you’ve enjoyed this award ceremony. Seat fillers can collect their checks on the way out.

What internet creators do you think should win an award, and what should that award be called?

Tell us in the comments.

The post Tweets That Should Have Won Awards if They Were Given for Such Things appeared first on UberFacts.

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Prime Examples of the #BookFace Challenge

There’s a cool thing you can do to look cool AND literate on the Internet.

It’s real simple. Check it out. All ya gotta do is grab a book with a cover that you can make match yourself or your surroundings, take a picture with the correct perspective, and let that sweet, sweet Internet wash over you.

Sounds fun right? That’s because it is! These people did it, and they’ll never look back. Check out some of the best examples of the #BookFace challenge on Instagram.

15. Adele Parks

…is the name of the author, I’m not actually sure what this book is.

14. Autumn

I dunno, you look more like a winter to me.

13. The Only Pirate at the Party

And yet not a single peg leg? Very very suspicious.

12. Back Cover

Does this guy even know you’re taking a picture of him right now?

11. Hey, Water!

Hey, a cool photo!

10. I Don’t Want to Wash

5 years of Spanish classes and that’s about the most translating I can do.

9. Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close

Though ironically it’s more of a medium shot.

8. Sofies Welt

That is one THICK German philosophy book.

7. Who is Ruth Bader Ginsburg

We can only hope you’ll be the next RBG, little one.

6. Hands Are Not For Hitting

But are they for throwing though?

5. How to Steal a Dog

I just keep singing this to the tune of “How to Save a Life” in my head.

4. Magnetism

I am strangely drawn to this.

3. The Queen’s Gambit

It’s your move.

2. Acceptable Risk

Like using a stranger for this pose?

1. Joe Dimaggio: The Hero’s Life

Put me in, coach.

Man, almost makes me want to read a book. Almost.

What’s your favorite book you’ve read lately?

Tell us in the comments.

The post Prime Examples of the #BookFace Challenge appeared first on UberFacts.

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Check Out These Fascinatingly Useless Talents That People Have

Everybody has a useless skill or two. For example, I can make a dolphin noise with my mouth. I’ve never met anyone else who can do it in the way I can, and it’s gained me exactly nothing in this life.

I’m teaching my 5 year old niece to do it so she can keep the torch of meaninglessness aflame, because these things are important.

What’s a useless talent of yours? from AskReddit

So what useless skills to the people of Reddit have? Let’s delve in.

1. That special touch

[I can touch my nose with my tongue] too.

I never understood why all the guys in my class would ask to see my “cool trick” and why the girls hated me.

– Ret*rdoTheGayDolphin

2. Rip roarin’ time

I can reproduce the exact sound of a chainsaw with my mouth

– frank_98_

3. Anyone can whistle

I can whistle in many different ways.

Actually very useful for annoying the f*ck out of everyone.

– ilovebravebrowser

4. Reading and writing

I can read and write at the same time. I’ll read a bit, process it, send it to my hand, and take notes while I read the next bit. It was very useful in college but I got burnt out and have a sh*t job now, so it’s not useful to me any more :/

At my peak it was like having my own internal secretary. Good times.

Edit for clarity: Yes I mean reading one thing while writing another thing

– ipakookapi

5. Don’t do it

If I drop the soap in the shower 9 times out of 10 I can catch it before it hits the floor.

I call the skill being soapidextrous.

Sadly, I have never been to prison which is the only place this skill might come in handy.

– slartibartjars

6. The fart of the deal

Farting with whatever loudness I want. I can somehow control the loudness of my farts without a change in the quantity of them

– Minecraft_Player1475

7. A whole lsit

Ooh my wife says I have quite a few utterly useless talents! Among them:

Remembering the lyrics to a song after only listening to it 1-2x.

Knowing what time it is within 5 minutes regardless of when I last looked at the clock.

Throwing our son’s toys into their baskets/buckets with stupid accuracy.

Avoiding stopping short when driving by accelerating / decelerating at the perfect time when coming up on yellow lights.

– ReallyCleverName69

8. Very snappy

I can snap, like, really loud.

Like if i snap too close to my head or someone else’s it can cause my/their ears to ring.

– Nogard_Ruler_Brynn

9. On the fence

I took 3 years of fencing. Not a lot of call for sword fighting these days. However It did come in handy just once when I was in the army and we were getting riot control training, a bunch of us were dicking around with the batons and I managed to do pretty well in a 4 on one baton duel.

But really it’s a useless talent.

– Wacokidwilder

10. That’s still a thing?

I’m really good at Dance Dance Revolution.

Like not “play sometimes and can play on medium” like I’ve traveled and won tournaments in other cities and can perfect most songs on the hardest difficulty.

It’s fun and a great workout but it doesn’t really get me anywhere in life.

– PoPo573

11. Cursed cursive

I can write (in cursive) backwards… neatly… hold it up to a mirror and its perfectly neat and legible

– MelodyM620

12. Gotta hand it to ya

I can do ALL the “hand and finger movement tricks” more or less perfectly..

Like spinning hands in opposite direction, patting head – rubbing belly, split fingers in the middle, leaving the two middle fingers together while spreading pinky and pointer finger, and so on…

I learned this back when games came on 1.44 discs and there was a lot of waiting time.

– guvakkamole

13. Battle ready

Knowledge of military equipment and tactics (I don’t claim to be a tactical genius or know how the military works, I’ve never served).

I’ve read so many books about military hardware, supply chains, tactics and much more that just ends up being useless at the end of the day.

– Ghost-Rider9925

14. Just my type

I can type fast. On typing tests I average 85-90wpm if I’m tired but I can go up to 120wpm for up to 5 minutes at a time with over 90% accuracy if my fingers are extra nimble.

It might sound useful but it’s really not. Past about 50wpm there’s no real purpose because nobody’s job is to type up documents or anything anymore.

When I’m typing an email or essay or something I don’t need to type nearly that fast.

– ceramicthumb

15. Guilty slumber

I can sleep peacefully even if I didn’t do my homework

– Neoptys

Here’s to all the useless skills out there. One day perhaps you’ll find a home.

What’s your most pointless talent?

Tell us in the comments.

The post Check Out These Fascinatingly Useless Talents That People Have appeared first on UberFacts.

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How Do You Think You’d Get Rich if You Got $100 Every Time You Were Rejected? People Share Their Hilarious Responses.

The job market is really TOUGH right now. You hardly know where to turn.

But what if there were a different, unconventional way to make money, like this hypothetical from r/AskReddit:

You get 100$ every time you’re rejected for anything ( favors, dating, money ). What do you do to make money? from AskReddit

So, how best to turn rejection into cash? Let’s hear out some innovative ideas.

1. The trifecta.

Do you have a minute to hear about our lord and savior?

Would you like to take a survey?

Can I offer you an extended warranty?

– em21701

2. Love me tinder.

Does someone swiping left on my tinder profile count as a rejection?

If so, I’ll be a millionaire in a week.

– LukewarmCola

3. Just ask.

Ask people for $100

– Pimp_Butters

4. The swap.

Create two bank accounts, one to take the $100 another that’s just empty.

I use the debit card linked to the empty account and just repeatedly swipe it in some gas station or grocery store, getting declined every time.

Then I just use the other account for everything else ?

– Gastric_Wave

5. You game?

Ask people to play Axis and Allies the board game.

It’s my favorite, and no one ever wants to play it.

– i_am_the_pirate

6. Failed.

Try to login with the wrong password.

– trogdor1234

7. Dude, what?

Ask random strangers if you can sniff their farts

– Fl3xion

8. A clean break.

Ask my kids to clean up their toys. $$$

– Dorkjello

9. A strange plan.

1. Buy a magic 8 ball
2. ask a question and roll till a “no”
3. buy more magic 8 balls from the $100 and put them in a tray
4. ask away and shake the tray every time you need money.
5. Stack modular trays containing more magic 8 balls to expand your earnings per sec.

– Calmeister

10. Mouthing off.

Ask if I can stick my hand into people’s mouths, noone wants a stranger’s hand there

– Iwantmyteslanow

11. Oof.

Suggest really solid ideas to my work team of all-male technicians.

– jewbetterstopthat

12. That’s quite an estimate.

Travel around world, trying to kiss everyone.

Imma make over $700,000,000,000.

– ThanatosTheSaviour

13. The best laid plans.

Just try and make plans with a big group of ppl.

Nothing works out.

Probably market cap in and around 1 bil

– Count55

14. That Mormon beat.

I’d go back and be a missionary for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints again!

– rexregisanimi

15. NEVER.

Do you want to try YouTube Premium?

– Bjar5614

*Sigh* if only any of those would really work.

What would you add to this list?

Tell us in the comments.

The post How Do You Think You’d Get Rich if You Got $100 Every Time You Were Rejected? People Share Their Hilarious Responses. appeared first on UberFacts.

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People Talk About the Worst Advice You Can Give to a Virgin

You’ll always remember your first time. Though not always fondly.

Maybe that’s because you got some bad advice? But surely not as bad as the advice found on this thread…

What is the WORST advice you can give a virgin for their first time? from AskReddit

The people of Reddit, as usual, did not disappoint.

It should be fairly obvious, but the rest of the page is going to be very weird and very NSFW.

1. Poking holes

Poking holes in condom will give you some breathing room.

– Harsh_Asnani

2. Fast and the Furious

Two key words gentlemen: Fast, and Hard.

Ladies love pure speed, so as soon as those panties come off you want to get in there as quickly as possible. Once you’re in you need to keep going, maintain that energy until you’re finished. Y’all know what a jackhammer is right? That’s basically the only way to make them feel good.

Girls say that they can c*m but they really cant, its all imaginary so don’t worry about it.

If she’s upset afterwards then that means you aren’t fast enough.

Work up those core muscles.

Also! Condoms are a scam. They advertise like they help avoid pregnancies but really it just makes those lil guys swim faster. So make sure not to use them. Ever

– Cl0udSurfer

3. That bites

Make sure to bite the b*lls

– _humanpieceoftoast

4. Twist it!

Bop It is a sex education toy

– whatchagonnado0707

5. That’s the button

Women love it when you vigorously finger their belly button.

– iPeeLavaLampGoo

6. Screamingly good

Scream I’m sorry the whole time

– Weddituser22

7. Like the real thing!

Sex looks and sounds exactly like p*rn so try to do it the same way

– the_monkey_of_lies

8. Going in

Start with some light fingering, one or two fingers.

Once she’s wet enough start slipping in more until your whole hand is in then slowly inch your way up to the elbow. You should feel a bit of a tug or pull on your arm by now and that means it’s safe to start the other hand in.

Once you get to biceps take a deep breath and ease your head in. The pull should feel pretty strong by now. Torso usually goes pretty smooth but you’ve gotta be gentle getting the hips in. Then the legs will go easily. Once you’re inside you can start to stretch out and now you’ve got a skinsuit

– Suspiciously_high

9. Learn from my mistakes

When getting a bj, tell her just right before you c*m that you’re about to c*m.

So she takes it out of her mouth but doesn’t have time to get out of the way and gets it all over her face and In the hair.

Absolutely didn’t happen to me at any point of my life, I promise.

– Mueller96

10. The summoning spell

The hole only appears if you sing the entire lyrics to ‘The Ketchup song’ three times beforehand.

That’s what the term ‘foreplay’ is.

– ArmedChimpanzee

11. All the way

Your b*lls go in the condom

– K666busa

12. The flop

Remember that it’s absolutely not about being gentle and caring.

Just flop around on top of them like you’re a cod that’s been dragged out of the depths of the oceans.

– Daviemoo

13. Stay still

Girls you don’t need to move or do any of the work.

Just lay there and think of the flowers.

– [user deleted]

14. Ahhh!

Sex is an emotional experience.

If you’re not sobbing uncontrollably and/or laughing hysterically throughout the entire process, you’re doing it wrong.

– BigBrownBeaver44

15. A real one

Story time!

Disclaimer circa 1995, internet p*rn is not ubiquitous yet, 16/17 years old.

My best friend and I in high school were in relationships with a pair of best friends. We go over his girls house, the 4 of us, and are hanging out. They decide to go to her room for “sexy-time”. A few minutes later I hear my friend hysterically laughing… I’m like wtf… he busts out of the room in his boxers still laughing hysterically. His girl wanted to give him a “blow job”… apparently in her mind that meant something very different than what everyone on here knows it as… she was literally blowing up and down on it, like she was trying to blow out birthday candles. He gently tried to correct her and she vehemently stated that this was how it was done! Needless to say, he got no action and their relationship ended abruptly thereafter.

So, worst advice? Her sister told her a blowjob was like blowing out birthday candles…

– Wgmack

I think it’s safe to say no one should follow any of that advice ever under any circumstances.

What bad advice would you add?

Tell us in the comments.

The post People Talk About the Worst Advice You Can Give to a Virgin appeared first on UberFacts.

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Funny Passive Aggressive Notes From Concerned Parents

The art of the passive-aggressive note is truly something to be treasured and fostered among us.

If we don’t set a good example for our kids by leaving notes with an impact, how will they know to do the same with their own children/pets/houseplants one day?

Truly it’s a noble cause to point out good ones when we see the, which is exactly what his collection is all about. Enjoy.

10. A cut up

The important thing is to really underline the violence with a nice heart in the signature.

View post on imgur.com

9. Straight from the heart

Anybody who has to clean kitchens often enough knows what’s up.

Love, Mom

8. Valuable life lessons

Let’s get the hashtag #DadFacts trending right away, please.

I’m going to use this note and fake bugs

7. Copy paste

Yeah you’re gonna wanna read those labels pretty carefully.

View post on imgur.com

6. Return of the machete

Uh, ok then, thanks mom.

View post on imgur.com

5. The real diesel

You don’t wanna get out there and find out your were wrong about this.

Nice one Mum

4. Plugged in

Seems like buying a $10 powerstrip might just save a lot of angst and anger in this situation.

View post on imgur.com

3. Thoughts and prayers

One does not simply walk in.

View post on imgur.com

2. Mike the apple

Well now that you’ve named him nobody’s gonna be able to eat him. Nice going, dummy.

View post on imgur.com

1. Tube up bum

Written so casually, like this is a common occurrence in this household.

View post on imgur.com

Now those are some notable notes. I think I’ll make a note of them. So that they’re duly noted.

What’s the best note you’ve either written or received?

Tell us about it in the comments.

The post Funny Passive Aggressive Notes From Concerned Parents appeared first on UberFacts.