Here’s a List of Leaves You Can Use as a Toilet Paper Substitute

A good portion of the human race is, for some reason, responding to a health crisis by buying a sh*t ton of toilet paper.

Just for the record COVID-19 does not, in the vast majority of cases, cause intestinal distress.

That said, the panic-buying of toilet paper all over the world is actually causing people to have to wonder how they’re going to clean their nethers in the coming weeks.

Except for people in places like France and Asia, who have smartly invested in the bidet for some time now, of course.

As usual, the internet has your back.

This time, in the form of a handy graphic that shows you what native plant life you could safely use in place of the missing toilet paper.

The toilet paper shortage crisis is upon us, and desperate times call for desperate measures.Are you concerned you may…

Posted by Hills Herbal Collective on Wednesday, March 4, 2020

The information comes from the Hills Herbal Collective, a group of plant experts out of Victoria, Australia, where things are apparently getting real. It specifically notes that mullein, lamb’s ear, and mallow are excellent replacement choices if things get dire in your neck of the woods.

#1. Mullein (Verbascum thapsis).

These plants have large, thick, fluffy leaves that are absorbent and unlikely to tear, grows everywhere, and is not irritating to most people. Some do complain about irritation from the fine hairs, so you might want to test it on a less-sensitive area before going for it.

#2. Lamb’s ear (Stachy’s byzantina).

It’s less heavy-duty but is delightfully soft and furry, great for sensitive skins. The leaves are narrow, though, so one isn’t going to do the trick.

#3. Mallow (Malva neglecta).

These soft, broad, durable leaves are common, though the larger ones can get a bit leathery and rough. If you give the leaves a bit of a scrunch before using them, they’ll even provide a bit of a skin-soothing effect!

They also note that you should “steer clear of poisonous plants or you may end up with a nasty rash on your posterior. If you’re not 100% sure what a particular plant is, don’t put it anywhere near your sensitive bits. If you’d like to learn how to ID these plants and other medicinal and edible weeds, come along to one of our weed walks.”

Good advice for sure.

And while I hope that none of us will have to resort to these leaves because our dear neighbors decided to hoard a year’s worth of toilet paper in their basement, it’s good information to have.

You never know when you’ll be out for a solitary hike and have the urge hit you, right?

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You Can Visit These Famous Museums Without Leaving the House

It’s looking like this whole social distancing and quarantine situation is going to last more than a few weeks, which means whether you’re stuck at home by yourself or with kiddos, we’re all going to be looking for different things to keep us occupied from the couch.

I mean, there are only so many shows on Netflix.

And it’s a lot, but we’re talking about months on end, here!

If you’re home attempting to teach your feral children, well, this list of museums and galleries that offer virtual walkthroughs needs to be tattooed on your brain.

10. Pergamon Museum (Berlin, Germany)

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The Ishtar Gate, some parts housed in the Pergamon Museum in Berlin, was considered as part of one of the Seven Wonders of the World. Decorated with animals and striking, blue-glazed bricks, it is more than an archeological find. It is one of those humbling experiences that brings history to the fore with amazing force and beauty and exemplifies the complexity and skill of earlier civilisations. Uncovered in 1902 by German archeologists, some of it was transported to Berlin. According to a BBC article from 2015, the original archeological site in Iraq was turned into a military base by US and Polish troops in the early 2000s, which severely damaged what remained and put a stop to future potential discoveries. #berlinmuseum #berlin #berlinsights #sevenwonders #sevenwondersoftheworld #gatesofbabylon #ishtargate #pergamonmuseum #pergamonmuseumberlin #ancientwonders #archeology #archeology #ancientcivilization #babylon #colonialism #ancientartifacts #lion #archeological #germanytrip #germanmuseum

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Berlin is home to many museums, and Pergamon is one of the largest. The historical building hosts ancient artifacts like the Ishtar Gate of Babylon, among many others.

9. The British Museum (London, England)

The museum is offering a virtual tour that includes many different historical periods and even close-up looks at Egyptian mummies. Don’t miss it!

8. Van Gogh Museum (Amsterdam, The Netherlands)

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In order to honor the dual artistic provenance of Van Gogh (French ?? & Dutch ??), @vangoghsartandletters teamed up with @lettresazoe, an aspiring literature professional, providing us with this beautiful text for the painting Sunflowers, third version : blue green background, Oil on canvas, 91 × 72 cm, Neue Pinakothek, Munich, Germany . . . . ?? "Ces fleurs rappellent les beaux jours. Si seulement leurs échos étaient plus doux, et leurs voix moins rauques. Elles raisonnent et glissent des mots désuets. Fanées, elles resplendiront dans un bleu azur, chaud et réconfortant. Je respire leur calme et me détache de la lumière de l’aube. Une épaisse odeur de sable vient caresser mes os et l’ennui morne des silences absents laisse entendre une mer trop fragile et un destin bleu. Ce sont des gestes lisses et longs qui parsèment mes yeux d’une lueur ensoleillée rougissant d’un amour si grand qu’il ne saurait contenir un temps si précieux : la contemplation de la douceur légère d’une brise dorée."?? . . #vangogh #art #artist #vincentvangogh #painting #arte #sketch #picasso #starrynight #drawing #monet #fineart #paris #museum #watercolor #impressionism #vangoghmuseum #yaletowngallery #photography #vangoghsouvenirs #artwork #artistsoninstagram #paint #oilpainting #love #manet #france #vangoghart #portrait #bhfyp

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Get up close and personal with the famous painter by viewing over 200 paintings, 500 drawings, and over 750 personal letters, all in one space.

7.  Rijksmuseum (Amsterdam, The Netherlands)

Take a Google Street View tour to see several masterworks from the Dutch Golden Age, from Vermeer to Rembrandt.

6. The J. Paul Getty Museum (Los Angeles, California)

The works of art here harken back as far as the 8th century, and you can check them all out via Google Street View.

5. National Gallery of Art (Washington D.C.)

The museum offers two online exhibitions, one featuring American fashions from 1740-1895 and the other showing works from Dutch Baroque artist Johannes Vermeer.

4. MASP (Sao Paulo, Brazil)

You can take a virtual tour through the first-of-its-kind, non-profit museum that’s home to more than 10,000 paintings, sculptures, photographs, and costumes through a range of historical periods.

3. Guggenheim Museum (New York, New York)

Google Street View will let you walk the museum’s famous spiral staircase and view art from the Impressionist, Post-Impressionist, Modern, and Contemporary eras.

2. Uffizi Gallery (Florence, Italy)

This gallery is home to the art collection of the de’Medicis, one of the most famous families in the country’s history.

1. National Museum of Modern and Contemporary Art (Seoul, South Korea)

You can access one of the most popular museums in Korea from anywhere in the world using their virtual tour, which takes you through six floors of contemporary art from Korea and beyond.

I can definitely already see that brain breaks like this will be necessary, and even fun!

I mean, what better way to pass the time than improving ourselves, right? Art makes everything the slightest bit better, too, and these days we’ll take whatever good we can get.

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The Cincinnati Zoo Is Putting Its Beautiful Animals Online So We All Can See Him

We live in interesting times…

It’s frustrating to not be able to go out our daily business as usual, and especially for those of us penned up at home (come on, spring!) with small children, the hours and days are already starting to feel endless.

The nice thing is that so many businesses and individuals are coming together to do their part in making all of this madness just a bit easier to bear – and now the Cincinnati Zoo has joined in, putting all of their animals and exhibits up for viewing remotely.

While the Cincinnati Zoo is closed and kids are home from school, let us help make your children’s hiatus from school…

Posted by Cincinnati Zoo & Botanical Garden on Sunday, March 15, 2020

“While the Cincinnati Zoo is closed and kids are home from school, let us help make your children’s hiatus from school fun and educational. ”

Not only are their animals live on the web, but every day at 3 pm EST, the zoo will take kids on a “home safari” using Facebook Live. Animal experts will be live on Facebook to highlight a different animal every day.

“Each weekday at 3 pm we will highlight one of our amazing animals and include an activity you can do from home,” they said in the announcement.

So you can see the adorable baby hippo Fiona (and everyone else) at the appropriate social distance.

“Join us starting Monday, March 16, at 3 pm for our first Home Safari – featuring Fiona!

A toddler hippo is honestly just what we all need in our lives – she was born on January 24, 2017, the first one born at the zoo in over 75 years.

Just trust me on this one.

The zoo hasn’t made any advance announcements about the other animals they plan to feature, so you’ll just have to stay tuned in to find out.

Whatever they’re putting online at 3 pm, though, I can guarantee you it will be more fun and more education than listening to your kids whine about being bored or how they’ve eaten all of the snacks.

Again.

I think this is a fabulous idea and I hope that other zoos and educational establishments come up with their own ways to keep reaching out to kids and families, too.

We’re all in this together, and we’re gonna be okay.

Until then, go watch Fiona. It will be the best decision you’ve made all day.

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You Can Pick a Song and Make Your Own Custom Hand-Washing Chart Based on It

Hand washing seems to be all the rage these days as people seemingly realize for the first time that A) their dirty hands touching their faces is what makes them ill, and B) you have to actually wash your hands well to stop that from happening.

One of the most popular pieces of advice from the CDC has been to sing a song (Happy Birthday twice) in order to easily count the twenty-required seconds of scrubbing.

But what if you’re tired of Happy Birthday? What if you don’t want to sing the same song twice?

Well, good news – now you can opt for a 20-second clip of your choosing and have it made into a custom hand-washing chart for your bathroom!

Wash Your Lyrics is the brainchild of 17-year-old William Gibson, a full-stack developer and designer from the United Kingdom. All you have to do is go to his site, enter the artist and title of the song you’d like to sing while washing your hands, and the algorithm will pull the lyrics and insert them line by line into the National Health Service’s hand-washing technique poster.

It should come as no surprise that people love the idea. 90,000 posters were made on the very first day of operations, and so many people are into it that Gibson had to migrate to a different database provider to keep it up and running.

People are, of course, running with the idea in all sorts of hilarious directions, including this version, which is so end-of-the-world Internet, I just can’t.

The bottom line is this: you need to wash your hands often, and you need to make sure you (and your kids) are doing enough scrubbing to make that dry skin count.

So pick a song you want to sing a dozen times a day, pop over to Wash Your Lyrics! and print a few posters for your house.

I’m going there right now and doing Baby Shark.

Just to annoy my husband, because that’s the proper way to quarantine.

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You Can Enjoy Disney Parks While They are Closed. Here’s How.

The Disney parks are temporarily closed while we attempt to flatten the curve of the coronavirus pandemic. The parks closed mid-March and stated they will “continue to stay in close contact with appropriate officials and health experts” as far as when they might re-open to the public.

Based on recent CDC guidelines that suggest these strict social distancing policies will be in effect for at least 8 weeks, the parks are likely to be closed even longer.

Photo Credit: Pixabay

That said, there is a silver lining – you’re stuck at home with your kids, wondering how to entertain them for hours online, and Disney has some of their coolest experiences online.

Disney coming through with the win, once again.

There are loads of ride-throughs of the parks’ popular rides on YouTube, so your kids can experience the rides (at least a little bit) on the computer.

Here is a list of 10 rides available virtually online!

10. Space Mountain

Visit the Magic Kingdom and Tomorrowland for one of the park’s favorite attractions.

9. Peter Pan’s Flight

Who doesn’t fancy a trip to Neverland, even when we’re not quarantined?

8. Slinky Dog Dash

Disney’s Hollywood Studios has this one ready for your viewing pleasure!

7. Mickey & Minnie’s Runaway Railway

You can travel through this “cartoon universe” in the comfort of your own home instead of trekking to Disney’s Hollywood Studios.

6. It’s a Small World

This is one you definitely aren’t going to be sorry you missed in person. Promise.

5. Pirates of the Caribbean

Your kids are bound to be excited to check this out, whether at home or in the Magic Kingdom.

4. Frozen Ever After

There is not a kid anywhere who would say no to visiting Elsa, Olaf, and the rest of the gang.

3. Buzz Lightyear’s Space Ranger Spin

To infinity and beyond (all from the comfort of your own home!).

2. Ariel’s Undersea Adventure

Spend a little time under the sea with Ariel and her friends.

1. The Seas with Nemo & Friends

Nemo and Dory are crowd favorites (young and old), and this experience (even online) is one you won’t want to miss.

These videos are a great idea because you know your kids are going to spend way too much time on YouTube anyway. Why not make them think they’ve visited Disney in the process?!?!

What are your go-to YouTube distractions for your kids? Share them with us in the comments!

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Quarantine Tweets That Will Help You Pass the Time

You’re going to need to pass a lot of time for the foreseeable future, but good news – people are spending more time on Twitter than ever, so content isn’t going to be an issue!

These 10 tweets about being in quarantine are the perfect way to spend a little time in quarantine, if you ask me. Laughing “together” is the best way to social distance but still, remember we’re in this together!

10. I’m sure they’re a very attentive audience.

9. Famous last words, as ever.

8. We’re all afflicted with word vomit.

7. It’s new math, you wouldn’t understand.

6. So it shall be from here on out.

5. No snack is safe in this house!

4. Nothing to see here, move along.

3. I’m not sure I should be laughing so hard at this, but…here we are.

2. Why does it seem like this will actually happen?

https://twitter.com/youwouldknow/status/1238750291551571968?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw%7Ctwcamp%5Etweetembed&ref_url=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.buzzfeed.com%2Flyapalater%2Fself-quarantined-tweets

1. You should probably consider that a good thing.

I’m virtually fist-bumping all of these people for doing the good work of making us laugh!

How are you coping with being cooped up?

Share your tips with us in the comments!

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Funny Tweets About the Quarantine That Will Help You Get Through It

This social distancing thing is hard for all of us, even the introverts out there. Being home alone and not having to go anywhere is a dream for some of us, but with our spouses, roommates, and kids all ordered to stay home too, well…it’s not exactly the same.

It’s hard. And it’s just different, knowing you shouldn’t go anywhere because of scary reasons and choosing not to go anywhere because you want to.

Luckily, we still have the internet, and people are out there reminding us that we’re all in this together – so go ahead and chuckle at the absurdity that’s coming out of this situation!

12. So does my toddler.

11. We are all basically Hobbits without a quest, so go ahead.

10. These are my productive pajamas.

9. I’m not sure that math adds up.

8. He’s everyone’s Patronus.

7. Gonna ride her hard and put her away wet.

6. There are definitely worse uses of your time.

5. DO YOU DARE SPEAK?

4. I watched this a bunch of times.

3. The message may have gotten lost.

2. This is pretty much a perfect tweet.

1. At least you don’t have current children to convince that thinking of other people is good.

We’re on Day 4 around here of going absolutely nowhere, it’s raining, and not nearly enough work is getting done, so I really needed these.

How are you coping? Share your tips with us in the comments!

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Schools Are Closed and Parents Everywhere Are Now Realizing How Much Teachers Should Be Paid

Everyone thinks teaching can be a laid-back job with long vacations and summer breaks until you’re forced to actually try to teach your own hellbeasts at home.

Schools around the country (and the world) are closed indefinitely, as a response to the WHO and CDC recommendations for slowing the spread of COVID-19. That means parents everywhere are scrambling to figure out who is going to watch their kids, how they’re going to get any work done with kids at home, and yeah, why they ever imagined that learning at home would be any kind of break.

Basically, people are now willing to pay teachers whatever they would like if they’ll just take their kids away again.

Writer and producer Shonda Rhimes kicked off a viral Twitter thread.

Below are 11 of my favorite responses!

11. That’s…a lot of kids to corral.

10. That seems about right.

9. Give me the hormonal teens any day.

8. This should have been a thing a long time ago.

7. No, thank you.

6. Hahaha like you’re going to be able to do your own work, too.

5. The transition could take some time.

4. Can you even imagine?

3. The field trips will have to be on hold, but God love her on the rest.

2. Okay but your kid not speaking to you isn’t terrible.

1. It seems like such a small ask, and yet…


I vote that we immediately decide to pay teachers much, much more.

If you can argue with me…wait, you can’t…

Let’s just all start a petition in the comments

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People Talk About the Closest They Ever Came to Killing Someone

Have you ever come close to taking someone’s life, whether it was by accident, or it was deliberate?

Judging by these responses, you’d be surprised how often it actually happens.

Here are some pretty scary stories from AskReddit users.

1. This is scary.

“I operate heavy equipment(dozer excavators) these thing weigh over 30 tons on the light side for perspective. Anyways we had just started a brine pond project an had just hired some new laborers. They were as green as they come lol.

Anyways ,I used my two way radio to ask them to come over to where I was to tear down a set or barricades so I could proceed. One of the laborers literally ran right up beside my machine without making direct eye contact or radio contact(industry standard is to do so I can safe out the machine).

I was backing up at the time so I was watching behind my machine. When I turned around to go forward the laborer literally 2 inches from my tracks…Needless to say I’ve never pressed the engine decal pedal as fast as I did in that situation.. if I was new to the machine or inexperienced the guy would have been an empty tooth paste roll on the ground.”

2. Almost lost it.

“My wonderful husband had several brain tumors and died a horrible, painful death. After he died (shortly before our 25th anniversary), FIVE different people told me how “lucky” I was to be a widow and not divorced like them.”

3. Wow…this one.

“Had an abusive stepfather when I was a kid. A bit pedo-creepy – would do things like “accidentally” let his robe gap open with no underwear on, would start tickle fights as an excuse to get gropey, that sort of thing. That was nothing next to the beatings, gaslighting, manipulation and other varieties of psychological and physical torture. I hated him more than I’ve ever hated anyone in my life and one night I decided to try to make rat poison tea.

Turns out the rat poison we had wouldn’t dissolve in the tea. It’s for the best. He’s still an asshole but at least I’m not a murderer.

4. Close call.

“Drunk student fell into the road in front of me. I swerved and wrote off two cars and injured my passenger (I was fine).

He didn’t even hang around to thank me, little wanker.”

5. Be careful on the stairs.

“When I was fifteen, I carried my two-year-old cousin down a flight of stairs, when I tripped and we fell down three steps. She fell on the back of her head and I on top of her. It took a split second before she started crying and I thought she was dead.

Thankfully, she was fine, but I’m so glad she didn’t fell harder or over the handrail, or else she would have fallen at least three meters and would probably be dead.”

6. Dodged a major bullet.

“Driving tired once, had a microsleep and woke up driving down the wrong side of the road. Fortunately it was late at night, no traffic around, but could easily have killed myself and my passenger.

Never driven tired since.”

7. Standing up for mom.

“Step dad spit in my moms face after not having abused her in over 5 years. So I shoved him he said he was gonna come back and kill us and ran out the door.

So I followed picked him up from behind, carried him off the porch and slammed him headfirst onto the cement and then just beat the shit out of him while neighbors came out.

Got arrested, and got my first felony.”

8. A nurse’s tale.

“Nurse here. Unit was very very busy and I mentioned to a patient we needed to start her on antibiotics. Patient consented. I hung penicillin, only to find out our computer said she’s anaphylactic allergic to penicillin. Incredibly, she must have outgrown her childhood allergy.

Beat myself up for a long time for that near miss.

Won’t make that mistake again.”

9. Self-defense.

“Grabbed a screwdriver in a desperate attempt to dislodge my ex husband from pinning/ strangling me.

Swung up and only put a hole in his shirt.

Really wish I hadn’t missed.”

10. This is insane.

“I volunteered at an orphanage in Thailand a couple of years ago. I had been gone for about a month and when I came back they told me about a guy who had been sneaking into the girls dormitory and raping some of them. The girls were so scared that they wouldn’t sleep. These girls were all between 1-12 years old.

All of the other staff were women and the guy would physically overpower them when they tried to stop him from getting in the dorm. I am a paramedic by profession so I have a bit of a personal respect and value for human life but this guy had crossed so many lines. I went to the local police and asked them for help and they told me to deal with it. I waited right inside the door of the girls dorm until about 2 AM with a large bamboo pole.

I didn’t want to kill him but honestly I didn’t have any problem if it came to that. As soon as I saw the door open I rushed him and knocked him over the porch railing. He had a machete but he dropped it when I tackled him. I jumped over the railing and started beating him as hard as I could. I am not a tiny guy and I also have combat training so I was quite effective.

He fought back but I had the size advantage and I was raging. After about 2 minutes I realized that I had broken my hand and quickly grabbed the bamboo pole and swung it around as he tried to get up and run away. It nailed him in the side of his head and sliced most of his right ear off. I swung again and it k Ickes him out. He ended up with a broken nose, left cheek, missing ear, dislocated right shoulder and broken left arm and hand. I broke all of the fingers in his left hand as well.

I stopped just short of killing him, but not because I didn’t want to. I knew that if I did kill him I would have to live with that and I didn’t want to give him that power. I already have a ton of guilt just from patients who have died in the field or in the ambulance, I couldn’t bear to kill someone in cold blood like that even if I was justified. I ended up walking away with just a broken right hand and some bruises and sprains. The girls got to sleep though. To this day he hasn’t been back.”

11. No one would ever know…

“Let me just start by saying my dad was extremely abusive. Mentally, physically and emotionally. He beat on my mother and I quite a bit. He also hunted a lot (deer mostly) and it was a big tradition in our family for the uncles and cousins to all go together.

My grandmother (mom’s mom) pulled me aside the day before opening day, and told me she would buy me a car (I was 15, almost 16 at the time) if I shot my dad out in the woods. She told me no one would ever know, and she would get me the best lawyer money could buy if it came to that. I agreed.

To this day, I wish I would have pulled the trigger. I was too scared and my conscious got the best of me. I know I would have gotten away with it, and it would have saved my family so much trouble down the road. He’s dead now, but I wish I could have been the one to do it.”

12. Allergic to peanuts.

“Working at a fast food shop, my friend who was very allergic to peanuts asked for our shops version of the blizzard, I joked “you want that with peanut butter cup right? hahah” we both chuckled, he said no and asked for cookie dough.

For some unspeakable reason, no a single clue why, I made it with cookie dough AND peanut butter cups. Handed it to him without a second thought. He brought it back like a minute later and said he thinks he saw peanut butter cup in it, and sure enough, my dumb teenage ass put this mans literal death poison in his ice cream.

I apologized 100 times, He said it wasn’t a big deal. I lived with that anxiety causing thought for a while.”

13. Revenge.

“My mate got stabbed 8 times almost died, we caught the guy but just beat the shit out of him.

A lot of kicks to the head but we didn’t end up stabbing him like we planned to.”

14. The group home.

“When I was 13 years old I was living in a group home. The boys in the group home were never allowed to go upstairs where the girls dorms were. I was the only girl who left each day for public school. Everyone else went to school in the basement.

Every day, as I would be the only one upstairs getting ready, this one guy snuck up the stairs and forced himself upon me. I told one of the house parents and she laughed at me.

After a month of this I snapped. I stood on top of my bed listening as his foot steps got closer. As soon as he walked into my room I lunged at him. I wrapped my hands around his throat.

As soon as he hit the ground everyone in the group home came running to see what that sound was. It took several people to pry my hands off that guy’s throat. I was arrested and originally charged with attempted murder. Luckily that kid confessed to raping me repeatedly. I was still charged with assault and battery though.

I spent 2 months in juvenile detention. I was also given 6 months of house arrest and 6 months of probation.”

15. Caught in the act.

“Walked in on my (now ex) wife having sex with another man. That man was a cop. His pants and gunbelt were right there on the floor. I came VERY close to shooting them both, but didn’t.

I never understood terms like “seeing red” or having an out of body experience until that moment.”

16. Good thing she was fine.

“When my daughter was seven weeks old, I was going out to the coffee shop around the block from my house. It was a rainy day, but had stopped briefly.

I put her in my Moby Wrap and went out. I went and got coffee and a sandwich. On my way back home, I went to step up onto the sidewalk. Instead my toe clipped the curb. I fell forward. My daughter was thrown out of the wrap and onto the sidewalk.

Luckily I was closer to the ground as I was falling as well, and the fall wasn’t as far as it could’ve been. She began to cry immediately and all I could do was sit on the wet sidewalk, rocking back and forth crying, as a woman was standing next to me saying, “oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god.”

I didn’t have my cell phone with me bc I was just running out. A kind gentleman let me use his and I called my husband who was working around the block. He was there in seconds.

We went to the emergency room. Got lots of tests done. Watched as my seven week old daughter was placed in a CT scan, I felt so helpless.

She was completely fine. It was the worst day of my life. I can still close my eyes and see her falling to the ground.

Although this experience was terrifying, it taught me some important lessons: kids are resilient, if they cry immediately they’re probably okay, if they move immediately they’re probably okay, you’re gonna eff things up as a parent so be easy on yourself.”

Life can be a game of inches sometimes, it’s very true.

What about you? Have you ever had any experiences like this?

Share them with us in the comments, please!

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Teachers Share the Best Excuses They’ve Heard That Were Actually True

It’s a tale you’ve heard a million times…a kid is running late and he or she makes up a ridiculous excuse to his parents or his teacher.

Most of the time these excuses are total bullshit, but sometimes the kiddos aren’t lying at all, really crazy things actually happened to them.

You just never know!

AskReddit users shared their stories.

1. This is bad.

“Hmmm, I had a student whose father had died and had not done any homework or prep for the geography class, from what I heard the teacher scolded him for not doing so but the student didn’t want to say anything (presumably sensitive issue) so his best friend shouted at the teacher “DONT YOU HAVE ANY SHAME, HIS FATHER DIED LAST NIGHT” and the teacher said “I don’t care”, there was an audible gasp and I was in the next room.

Needless to say that teacher is no longer employed here.”

2. Holy shit.

“Not a student, but one of my Teaching Assistants when I ran a pre-school in West Philly… ‘sorry I missed yesterday, my friend shot my mom’. Naturally, I’m a little speechless… ‘oh no it’s ok, he was AIMING FOR SOMEONE ELSE’.”

3. That’s weird.

“A guy in my college class missed class one day. The next day he came in with his eye covered up and medical paperwork in hand. Apparently he got pecked in the eye by a chicken.”

4. Are you drunk?

“Told me he got pulled over by the cops for wobbly driving on his bike and they thought he was drunk. Turned out he  was just dodging all the slugs on the street.”

5. That is acceptable.

“I had a six year old turn up late to her lesson and blurt out “sorry I was late, I had to colour in a bunny!”

Seems fair.”

6. Live a little.

“MTV paid me $50 to fill my backpack with cement and carry it around for the day.” I accepted that excuse. Student later regretted it, as a replacement backpack and college textbooks far exceeded $50. But he got his moment of fame and I didn’t penalize him for his tardy. Gotta live a little.”

7. Well, isn’t that something?

“I’m Pink”

A fair-skinned student (age 10) went with a friend to the Holi festival at a nearby Hindu temple where she was covered with red powder and dyed bright red from head to toe.

Her mother, another teacher at the school, had made her sit for hours in the bathtub to soak it off, but even after another round of early morning shower scrubbing, she arrived at school a pleasant shade of pink. (Technically, she wasn’t late, but she stayed in her mother’s classroom until the bell rang).”

8. Damn tourists.

“Not me, but one of my good friends:

She went to the Royal Military College of Canada, where they wear their uniforms and there are often tourists visiting the campus.

Apparently, it was completely normal to be waylaid by tourists looking to have their photos taken with students in uniform that all they had to say when they walked in late was “tourists” and the professors would let it slide.

She always wondered how many family photos she was actually in over her time spent there.”

9. All was forgiven.

“Taught a group of seniors first period. It was towards the end of the year. I had a class of around 30 and only 5 were there when the bell rang. Halfway through class the rest of them show up. They went out to Cracker Barrel for breakfast and brought me some back. All was forgiven.”

10. Driving all over the place.

“She had to take her sister to school and drive her mom to rehab. She was always late to class because her mom just wanted to sleep in.

Problem was if the mom was late or did not go she would have violated her probation and gone to prison. I never marked her late. If she missed anything important she could come in at lunch or after school to make it up.”

11. Wild turkeys.

“Flock of wild turkeys in the road. Not always school, but this happened more than once in my life.

For those of you who have never found yourselves in this situation: there is no way out of it. Wild turkeys will move when they damn well decide to do so, and only then.”

12. Go home, kid.

“Literally today, child missed my first hour class, notes said car accident on the way to school and would be coming late. Kid comes for 2nd hour, has pictures on his phone of the ROLLOVER accident! WTF, kid, go home. Rest. Take care of yourself.”

13. Nature called.

“A kid missed my first period class one morning, but was in school later that day. When I asked him why he hadn’t arrived in time for my course, he said his cow was birthing its calf that morning, so he’d picked being in the barn over English.

Made sense to me. His essays weren’t going to win any ribbons at the county fair, but his calf could.”

14. Heard about those chickens.

“When I was student teaching, I was late because there was bunch chickens in the middle of the road. They wouldn’t move at all. This is in the middle of a city of 200,000 people. Freaking chickens.

I finally get to school and profusely apologize to my mentor teacher and I told her why I was late thinking it sounded ridiculous. She said, “yeah, those chickens are fucking assholes, they surrounded my car in the McDonalds parking lot last year. Dont worry about.” “

Those were quite enjoyable, if I do say so myself.

Okay teachers, we want to hear from you!

Share more of these kinds of stories in the comments with us, please!

The post Teachers Share the Best Excuses They’ve Heard That Were Actually True appeared first on UberFacts.