Author: Jake Brannon

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9+ Clueless People Reveal the Things They Pretend to Understand

There are a lot of things you’ve gotta understand to make it through life. Well, in reality, you’ve just gotta pretend like you understand.

AskReddit users admitted what they’re totally clueless about, but they act like they understand. What are yours?

1. Huh?

“Heat treating tool steels. I know what will affect the toughness and warpage and brittleness but really actually have no idea what is going on in the metal.”

2. You’re not alone

“Robots, I’ve been hired to build them and hired to TA high level robotics classes at my university and anytime a kid in the class asks me how to do something if I haven’t done that exact thing, hell even if I have done the exact thing they are asking about I run away and google it for an hour before I help the kid.”

3. Headscratcher

“How computers work. We can represent every single thing as some sort of number. We can represent every single number in binary. We can represent binary as on and off. We build a bunch of circuits out of sand to hold high and low voltages to represent on and off, and a couple circuits that can do basic math on binary numbers letting us get whatever number we want. We then have a bunch of code that is also just numbers that tells us what to do with our existing numbers.”

4. I’m with you on this one

“Cryptocurrency… like, I get that the IDEA is that money shouldn’t be tied to a central organization or authorization like a government and should be traded freely and securely among people that can verified on a public ledger.

But I have no idea how that happens.”

5. Bummer

“Microsoft Access.

My agency will never use Microsoft access for anything since everything is ancient and they insist on using excel spreadsheets as databases, but you still need Access experience on your resume to be considered for jobs here.”

6. Nice work!

“My wife is about three leagues above me. I can’t explain it and don’t know why she not only dated but married me.”

7. Fascinating

“Chicken / turkey pop-up timers. How the hell does that little piece of plastic know when the meat is done?”

8. Magic!

“I can build a car, fix a car, pretty much do anything to a car. But for the life of me, I don’t understand how these tiny cylinders and pistons create enough pressure to turn the wheels and get the car moving really fast. Some kind of magic happens in there!”

9. Computers

“Computers. I have a bachelors in IT and I feel like I’ve just convinced people more tech-ignorant than I am that I’m some kind of guru when really I don’t know shit. I learned that if you know the vocabulary you can give off the impression that you know what you’re doing and buy enough time to Google the issue.

My boss is out so I’m the only IT guy at my work and one of our users got their email hacked and sent a virus to all of his contacts. Some random executive at another company called me up and started demanding that I do forensics on the virus to see what files it changed and to remove it from his computer because it was my responsibility, even though he clicked on the attachment and wasn’t running any antivirus.

He started getting more aggressive, sounding as if he was going to sue our company, so I panicked and started explaining the virus as if he was another technical guy. “Uhh well getting a forensic analysis of the file would cost tens of thousands of dollars… The code is obfuscated so you would need a professional technician to reverse engineer the file to see exactly what the code executes. From what I’ve observed, it looks like it’s just trying to phish your email information, and it doesn’t appear to be ransomware or anything too destructive.” He went quiet for a little bit and then said **”I.. err…. appreciate you going to.. security conferences and keeping up to date on viruses. I will run a scan on my PC and update my passwords as you recommended thanks for giving me a call.” **

I never heard from him again.”

10. Fatherhood

“I’m 30 and a father, still don’t know what the f*ck I’m doing.”

The post 9+ Clueless People Reveal the Things They Pretend to Understand appeared first on UberFacts.

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The Difference Between ‘Frugal’ and ‘Penny Pincher,’ According to Penny Pinchers

Everyone wants to save money, right? It’s just that, well… it’s easier said than done. Being frugal is a trait we often admire. People write entire books offering advice on how to be more frugal.

But when people cross over from frugality to penny pinching, well, things can just get ridiculous.

Folks on AskReddit shared their thoughts on the matter.

1. Way to contribute

“So you know how when you have a get-together where people will be drinking, most people bring a few drinks to share, right? Or contribute in one way or another? Bring some beers, or a bottle of booze, or mixers, whatever?

I buy a huge bottle of vodka, my friend brings ice, and we ask our notoriously cheap friend to bring some orange juice so we can all enjoy some screwdrivers.

Upon arrival this dude pulls out an 8 oz recycled Poland Spring plastic bottle that he filled like halfway with some orange juice.

And it should be noted that this friend of ours is by FAR the most wealthy of ALL of us.

Yeah, cheapskate.”

2. Thief!

“I knew a guy once who’d buy a package of lightbulbs or batteries, take the fresh ones out, replace them with the dead ones then return them to the store claiming they didn’t work and get his money back.

That guy hadn’t legitimately bought lightbulbs or batteries in years.”

3. See what I mean?

“My mother in law won’t shop at Costco (or any other membership club) bc she thinks it’s outrageous that they charge a fee. Ok, fine, fair enough. But if they have something on sale that she wants, she will stand outside of Costco asking people if she can go in with them and give them cash so they can check out with it. She has done this a handful of times, and thinks she’s so d-mn clever and smart.

She is an inoffensive 60’s middle-upper middle class white woman, so I guess she just finds people who probably take pity on her or something. She has no effing dignity about stuff like that (there are other hideous examples), and what disgusts me the most is how she brags about it. Like she’s smarter and better than all the ‘fools’ who pay for membership. God I can’t stand that woman.”

4. Inconvenience

“When you avoid your share of the bill. When you inconvenience others to save money. When you go to even moderate lengths to justify either one of these behaviors.

Frugal folks make PERSONAL consumer decisions that have Long term money saving benefits. Cheapskates pass their bill on to others.”

5. Cheapskate

“I have many friends who are frugal, but one friend in particular who I see as cheap.

Here’s the difference: if I suggest to one of my frugal friends that we go to a bar and they don’t feel like spending money, they’ll suggest another activity instead. “Why don’t we drink at my house/hang out and watch a movie/go for a walk?” If I suggested the same thing to my cheap friend, his response would always be “I’ll go if you buy my drinks.”

Frugal people don’t save money by burdening the people around them with their expenses. Cheap people have no problem doing that.”

6. Stepdad

“My stepdad is the biggest, most embarrassing cheapskate I know so here are a couple examples of the most extreme things he does:
-reuses paper towels by hanging them out to dry in my mom’s front yard
-uses free tires off of totaled cars whenever one of ours needs replacing (which, if you think this is a good idea, I’ve had two near death experiences to prove otherwise)
-rewashes my siblings disposable swim diapers, again hanging them out to dry in the front yard
-uses wash clothes as toilet paper and only flushes for #2
-puts bricks in the toilet tank so it uses less water, leaving the toilet constantly smelling like piss
-refuses to use A.C. at anytime while living in South Florida and counts down from 3 when anyone opens the fridge
-refuses to purchase gifts for anyone unless they were procured at a garage sale (meaning he often leaves my mom and his kids high and dry for birthdays/holidays/anniversaries)
-constantly pulls over on the side of the road to dumpster dive: his favorite finds are a pair of temperpedic slippers (ew!) and a wooden futon which I’m afraid to be in the same room with
-when a door hinge broke in one of my siblings rooms 5 years ago, he refused to pay for a replacement and instead hung up a shower curtain (still there to this day)
-tries to sneak home food from buffets, after paying for his meal with a coupon

And my personal favorite…
-asking patrons at a restaurant if they’re finished with their food mid-meal so he can take home the leftovers

Basically, if your frugal actions are making the people in your life embarrassed or uncomfortable, you’ve gone too far.”

7. I have a feeling this is pretty common

“My wife refused for years to buy a Costco membership, while simultaneously forbidding me from buying things like bread and milk from anywhere but Costco.

She’d insist that I ask a friend with a membership every time we needed the smallest things. Her mom started gifting her a membership every year for Christmas so she’d stop demanding her to take her to Costco twice a week.”

8. Roommates

“I had a roommate who was very practical. She picked up any change she found, even just pennies. She opted for cheaper options on anything where it didn’t significantly diminish the quality. She even built a tiny house because she didn’t believe that she really needed to spend much on a place to live. It worked well for her.

Then, there was my other roommate- conveniently, at the same time, all three of us were living together. Aside from thieving, getting actual furniture from the literal dumpster, and a whole bunch of other goodies, the story of how I came to live with him is probably the best story to showcase his nature.

There was him and two other guys living in the apartment before I moved in. There was another friend of theirs staying on the couch while he was looking for a job and a place to live. He was staying there for free, no biggie.

I was homeless at this point and had been sleeping in my car in the middle of winter (below freezing at night), so I jumped at the opportunity to sleep indoors, even if it meant having to sleep in an uninsulated garage. I could just toss on a few extra blankets.

My future roommate comes up to me after a week and he proceeds to tell me I owe him $200 for rent to stay in the garage. I ask him why I’m paying more than he does (per week) to sleep in a room without heating/air, a bathroom, and filled with cigarette smoke fairly often. He says that he and the other roommates talked about it and they decided I couldn’t freeload, and I needed to get that money to him ASAP.

Now, he wasn’t the one who paid the bills. I asked the ‘head roommate’ about it later that day, and he told me there was no discussion about ‘freeloading’ involving me and that I could basically pay him $50 for the month if I felt like it. I did pay him gladly, and that was that.”

9. Get your own, lady

“I have a relative who is too cheap to pay for trash service or to buy a dryer so she takes all of her trash and wet clothes over to her father’s house. This is a woman with a family and a house, not a starving student or something.

So yeah, that.”

10. Sounds like fun

“I know it’s 90 F outside, but the air conditioner cost money to run” says my roommate/landlord who makes six figures living in a ranch house

Edit: we have A/C in the house but he has the thermostat locked up and the only key and added some clarification.”

11. Seems like a good use of time

“My grandpa will buy a roll of paper towels (like the cheapest single roll you can get) and then have my grandma rip off each sheet and cut that into fourths for “napkins”

Napkins that are already napkins cost like…. 5 cents more than the roll of paper towels.

It takes her like 2 hours because she’s becoming arthritic.

Nobody else sees why this is stupid.”

12. Special order

“I knew a guy that, while ordering in line at Chipotle, would ask for “extra chicken but just enough where it’s not considered a serving of double chicken”.

Come on, man.”

13. Hahaha

“Frugal is compromising and cutting out extra things in your life. Cheapskate is squeezing pennies on things you actually need.

For example washing all of your clothes at once, maybe once or twice a week and using a dollar store detergent is frugal. Wearing your clothes into the shower to wash them and you at the same time is cheapskate.”

14. What an a**hole

“When a customer orders a single espresso in a large cup & then uses an entire carafe of milk at the condiment bar.

Bonus points if they bring that beverage back to the register & want it ‘microwaved’.”

15. The babysitter

“I had a babysitter who I think crossed the line from frugal, to cheapskate.

She would only shop at Goodwill, and if her daughter wanted some shoes, she’d have her put the old shoes on the rack, put on the new shoes, and walk out the door.

Also, most of her daughters coloring books were picked up while dumpster diving. Like, half the pages were already colored, but we still used them.”

The post The Difference Between ‘Frugal’ and ‘Penny Pincher,’ According to Penny Pinchers appeared first on UberFacts.

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Redditors Share the Strangest Things Their Partners Have Said in Their Sleep

Few things are funnier or creepier than talking in your sleep. As the undisputed king of talking in my sleep, it’s nice to know that I am not alone in this nocturnal phenomenon.

In this article, AskReddit users share the strangest/funniest things their significant others have said in their sleep. Enjoy!

1. Creepy

“I was up all night because my girlfriend was viciously jolting in the night. When I got fed up with it I tried to wake her up and she quietly said “who dis?” And then replied to her own question in a really creepy voice, “It danger.” She’s weird.”

2. The important stuff

“We gotta get the elusive passwords…..for Mario kart!”

3. Raise the roof

“Mine did the “raise the roof” motion with her arms and said “hells to the yeah” while giggling.

**Added Bonus ** She can occasionally say some _”blonde” _things and while her, myself and her three kids were sitting in our living room, she randomly says _”you know, it’s crazy to think that you’ve all been inside me.” She didn’t mean to include me but the kids all stopped talking and got very confused looks on their faces and started looking at me.”

4. Okay…

“I forgive you for your dark Chinese past.”

5. Perfect data

“When my wife was writing her PhD thesis, I woke up one night at like 3 AM to her stroking the duvet and smiling. I asked her what she was doing. She said, “Shh, don’t disturb my data. It’s finally perfect,” still smiling.

I said, “Hon, that’s not your data. That’s the duvet.”

The smile drained from her face and she started sobbing uncontrollably. For about five seconds, at which point she passed out mid-sob and was fast asleep again.”

6. Slabs

“I often try to have conversations with my SO when he starts sleep-talking… I transcribed the most recent one we had.

SO: No?
Me: Yeah?
SO: We can go if you want to.
Me: Where are we going?
SO: The… dollar slab bacon at Costco.
Me: Oh yeah? Why?
SO: Yeah, dollar for dollar it’s the best… slabs.”

7. That wasn’t nice

“Apparently my girlfriend sneezed and I yelled “Shut the f**k up!!” in my sleep…”

8. Gives me the creeps…

“For me it’s what she hasn’t said. Usually if she talks in her sleep it’s unintelligible gibberish but said in a manner that sounds like it’s supposed to make sense.

Its weird given it’s not just random words but sounds that are trying to be words.

Always gives me the creeps.”

9. Go back to sleep

“My girlfriend woke up at like 4am to go to the bathroom. When she came back I was sat on the edge of the bed, looked at her and said ‘i’m breaking out of here.’ She was obviously freaked out and asked me wtf I was on about and if I was awake. To which I replied ‘i’m getting a Chinese’ then laid back down and resumed sleeping.”

10. Katie

“Late to the party but here you go:

Woke up one night because my boyfriend was talking in his sleep and I’m generally a light sleeper. I listen for a moment while he just talks jibberish and then hear him say, “yeah, Katie! That’s what I’m talkin’ about!”

My name isn’t Katie.

So being the moderately unstable woman I am I sat on that one for a couple days and stewed silently. Who is Katie? Why is he dreaming about Katie? What did she do in his dream that was so awesome?

About a week later I’m at his work having a drink (he’s a bartender) after I got off work when his coworker/our mutual friend walks up to him and asks if he wants to go out to her car and smoke a bowl. He says, “yeah, Katie! That’s what I’m talking about!”

I forgot we both knew a Katie. Katie is a lesbian.”

11. LOL

“My girlfriend did a thing early one morning. I asked her what she was doing because she was throwing elbows at the sky and she calmly and simply said: “punching hamburgers.”

I haven’t laughed so hard in ages.”

12. Dangerous sleeper

“I’ll tell this one for my wife.

One night, I kicked her in the back, when she turned round and said”what the f**k?” i apparently said “What? Don’t you like it?” and tried to push her off the bed.

Recollection. I wish I did because thats funny as hell.”

13. Do they?

“Don’t trust the penguins, they have fake ID’s!”

14. Spider!

“One night he full on screamed at me to turn the light on, because he had caught a spider in the bed. He was crouched over it and had his hands cupped around it. I turned on the light and he gave me the weirdest look then looked down at his hands planted firmly on the mattress. He lifted them really carefully one at a time and … no spider.”

15. That is sexy

“I thought she was having a sexy dream because she was saying: “oh oh oh.” The. She followed up with “O’Reily auto parts!” “

The post Redditors Share the Strangest Things Their Partners Have Said in Their Sleep appeared first on UberFacts.

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These 15 People Share Stories of How They ‘Faked It ‘Til They Made It’

Have you ever started a new phase of your life and felt totally unprepared? It could be a new job or a new baby, whatever it is… you’re not alone. It’s like the old saying goes: you gotta fake it until you make it. Then you see what you’re made of (and in my experience, it usually works out for the best).

AskReddit users shared their experiences, and we can all learn a lot from them. So pay attention!

1. New culture

“I faked feeling comfortable in a new culture and forced myself to speak the language even though I was very bad at it and felt like an idiot (also had a bit of social anxiety, but I needed to learn somehow!). It took about a year till I was fluent and reasonably integrated.”

2. Nice work

“In 90 days I faked knowing how to do my job as a temp and was hired on full time.”

3. Turn that frown upside down

“I used to be a high school teacher. There was a 12 year old who was one of the least likable children I had ever worked with. He had neither charm nor looks, personality nor intelligence. He was sullen, resentful, belligerent, disruptive, and permanently sour-faced. When he entered the room, my heart would sink.

Then I remembered how my mother told me that when me and my sisters were little and life was very busy, she would get up early to get some chores done. Only sometimes we would wake up too. She said that when she heard our feet on the stairs, her heart would sink, because she knew she wouldn’t get her chores all done now. But she had made a promise to herself, that none of her children would ever be made to feel unwanted. So when we put our head round the kitchen door, we were always greeted with a smile and a cheerful “Good morning!”

It occurred to me that in this lad’s life, no one was ever pleased to see him. Not his mother nor his father, not his teachers nor his siblings, and he had not much by way of friends. He was nothing but a nuisance – a pest and an annoyance – to everyone who knew him. And that was heartbreaking. So from then on, whenever he came into my classroom, I greeting him cheerfully and asked how he was doing. Believe me, that smile was faked. I didn’t feel it at all. Until one day I did. I actually began to care for him. And sometimes I even got a half-smile back.”

4. Less is more

“Currently faking my job being harder than it is. My boss has been super impressed with my work so I see no reason to work harder since I’m at a set pay. So I spend about 6 hours a day on Reddit and my boss tells me I’m the best worker on the project.”

5. The trick is…

“Went to grad school for applied math, got my first job working in banking.

There are still at least 100 acronyms I don’t know, but I learned how to say things like “the trick is just finding that balance” until the meeting is over and I get to go back to my nerd stuff.”

6. Depression

“Had horrible postpartum depression after one of my sons was born. I was not bonded with the baby at all. I was protective of him, but didn’t feel like he was my son. It was awful.

I told my mom about it when he was about 1. She said “take every opportunity to call him ‘my son’. Tell him you love him. Act as if you are bonded, and it will happen.”

By the time he was 3, I was head over heels in love with him. It absolutely worked. It took some time, but it worked.

To anyone out there going through something similar, it’s ok. It’s unfortunately more common than you think. But because you feel that way now doesn’t mean you will always.”

7. That’s how you do it

“Cold calling. I was terrified to pick up the phone and call complete strangers to get information out of them. So to compensate I literally puffed out my chest and forced myself to speak loudly. After the first 30-40 phone calls I became much more comfortable and eventually got pretty good.”

8. A year

“Knowing how to code. Took me about a year before it felt like I knew what I was doing.”

9. Power through it

“Faking through my anxiety has helped me get to the other side of a lot of it. I didn’t want my kids to grow up with fears based on my anxiety, so I just power through stuff when I am in front of them.

Faking confidence in front of my kids has given me confidence as well.”

10. You really got to try

“My confidence. As soon as I started faking being confident I just was. Same goes with any quality you want.

Impatient? Fake being patient and you’ll become a patient person

Angry? Fake being a calm person and you’ll become calm

Unhappy? Fake being happy and you’ll become happy

But don’t fake it like you’re trying with half-ssed effort. You really got to try. Obviously this doesn’t work if you’ve got a biological condition that isn’t caused by what you’ve done with your own free will.”

11. Supervising

“I once tricked my coworkers in a removal company into thinking I’m a supervisor so I could sit idly and order them around instead of working myself. All it really took was a different colored company shirt and a keychain with an ‘ID card’ (just a random white card). The owner of the company caught me and promoted me to supervisor because “you already know what to do”. I tell this story all the time and people tend to not believe me but it’s true.”

12. Don’t mess with me

“Bullied through grade school. Grade 9 was good though. I started lifting weights in grade 10, got really big in a year, and acted like “don’t mess with that guy” guy. No one messed with me, at school, outside of school, it was pretty awesome to have such a deterrent.

I actually have a huge heart, pretty gentle person, but the front worked. Probably still works to this day. Just from being physically fit, I also developed good posture, developed good eye contact and communication skills.”

13. Working feverishly

“MATLAB.

Found a job which was a perfect fit for me, other than it required being proficient in MATLAB. I decided I knew C and JAVA so I was sure I could figure it out. Every task that required MATLAB I just worked feverishly, hacking together what I could from pre-existing code and online help, and then went home and Googled what I needed to know on my own time. I took one of Mathworks online training classes.

In about 3 months, I was suddenly the most proficient MATLAB user on the team. Turns out, most of the team was terrible at MATLAB, and basically just wrote Fortran code, not using any of the advanced features available.”

14. No experience

“I had no experience operating equipment so nobody would hire me. So I lied and said I had lots of experience and gave the name of a small contractor for a reference. I got hired to run a line skidder.

Two hours later I was fired, but I learned how to start the skidder and untangle the winch line I snarled up. (in my defense it was an old Timberjack that had so many levers you had to be an octopus to run it). The next job I had I used the first company and the last one for references and almost made it to the end of the day before I got fired.

On my third try I told the owner that I had some experience but had a long way to go before I could say I was good at running the machine. He hired me and put me to work beside and old pro and I never looked back.”

15. New nurse

“Just about everything when I was a new nurse. I wasn’t even allowed to place an IV or draw blood as a student. Soooo much of what you do is a first experience. You learn quickly that telling people you’re new doesn’t exactly inspire confidence. You have to have good enough judgement to know when to ask for help versus a non dangerous situation that can be figured out on your own.”

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These 15 People Went to the ER Because of Sex. Here Are Their Stories

Sex is a beautiful thing… but it can also get pretty freaky.

People on AskReddit shared their stories of sex gone wrong and they are pretty entertaining and also a little bit frightening.

Maybe these stories will make us all take a vow to never have sex again…

1. It’s broken

“Not a patient but an ER doctor. Have seen several injuries / sexual misadventures.

Common things: items stuck up people’s butts. As I tell everyone after I (or the OR) get it out, I don’t care what you stick up your butt, but use something with a flange at the base. It acts as a stopper and prevents it from getting sucked up (and stuck up) your butt.

More rare: broken penis. The post by E-man below is fairly on point.. Blood vessels rupture and the penis fills with blood and looks almost exactly like an eggplant. Once you’ve seen one, you know what happened. I don’t fix those, those go see urology and go to the operating room. Not fun.”

2. Ouch

“I’m uncircumcised, and I tore my frenulum having sex with a girl one time. It’s the little flap of skin that attaches the bottom of the foreskin to the bottom of the head of the penis. I looked down and saw it and just awkwardly said “Uh… Problem.” “

3. Broken brain

“First beej off a girl I was dating. I don’t normally like them too much (I mean, they’re nice and all, but not my go-to request) but this one was great. Get close to the end, past the point of no return, and my head exploded. Tried to hide it, but I literally couldn’t see or move. That lasted close to a week.

Worst part is, I really liked her but she got too freaked that she’d broken my brain with her magic.”

4. What’s up, doc?

“Was the doctor, not the patient.

You know those erectile dysfunction treatments that used to be on billboards all over? “LONGER SEX NOW,” etc?
Well, as is often joked about, those treatments advise you to go to hospital if it lasts longer than 4 hours. Guy came in, having used those treatments, having had an erection for maybe 6 or 8 hours. His penis was purple.

We called the urology registrar (read:resident) to ask him to come and look, and for advice on what to do in the meantime. His answer?
“Take a large gauge needle on a big syringe, suck out as much blood as you can.”

Then my shift ended. I did not stick around to watch that one.”

5. Brain drain

“After doing the deed I had a MASSIVE headache that was like a bomb going off in my head. Wife rushes me to the ER thinking I have busted a brain vessel and having a stroke. ER basically says it happens a lot. Just kept me for observation than let me go when I could see straight again. Has never happened again.”

6. Good ol’ Doug

“Doug was my fourth year college roommate, along with a couple of other people. He was a strange fellow. I became accustomed to broken beer bottles in the floor, bizarre pornography in the VCR, feces in places you wouldn’t expect it, and frequent visits by the cops and to the emergency room.

One night, Doug is being visited by his girlfriend from out of town. They spend most of their time tucked away in Doug’s bedroom, doing God-knows-what. Doug sneaks out and doesn’t return for several hours. When he comes back, he has an emergency room bracelet on. After some grilling, he gives up the story:

He and his girlfriend are looking for something that might work as a makeshift penis ring. Nothing around except a large padlock. So, she snaps the padlock around his manhood. When it becomes clear that it isn’t going to work like they thought it would, they go looking for the key. Nowhere to be found (most of us would have thought about the location of the key before putting it around our junk).

So, Doug heads off to the emergency room to get it removed, afraid of losing his giblets to restriction of blood flow. The procedure takes several hours because the doctor has to parade in every other doctor, nurse, intern, and possibly janitor to check out the moron with the padlock stuck around his testes. Also, they have to take frequent breaks during the “sawing off” due to the heat that keeps accumulating from the friction and burning.”

7. Horrifyingly painful

“Was doing the deed, no thrills nothing fancy. Afterwards we’re sitting on the couch and I feel crampy, so I go into the bathroom, and I sit. That’s when I have the most painful cramp of all time. My boyfriend comes in to see me full blown hysterical tears, calls my mom whose an ER nurse who’s motto as a child was “no bones sticking out or gushing blood? You’re fine.” She drives down immediately and takes me to the ER.

That’s when I panic, because if this cold hearted ER Nurse thinks I need to go pronto it’s serious. When we get there it’s slow enough that I pretty much immediately see a doctor…who just happens to be my mom’s favorite coworker. Awesome. I then try to explain why it hurts and how it happened when my mom blurts out”she was having sex.” The doctor didn’t flinch much, but I sure did. I wanted to die! Thankfully the embarrassment didn’t last long because they gave me amazing pain killers.

Long story short I had sex, had an ovarian cyst burst, horrifyingly painful, went to be ER doctor and my mom were buddies. Good times.”

8. Egos

“Few years ago with an ex-boyfriend of mine. We were fooling around and ended up banging my wrist really hard on the head board. It immediately started to bruise and I was scared it was broken. We ended up in the ER and I was asked all kinds of questions like did I feel comfortable going home with him, did he hurt me, did he hurt my wrist.

I wasn’t expecting that, at all! They separated us at one point to ask me more questions about how I got hurt. Which was super embarrassing to try and explain. I’m pretty sure he was scared to be too rough with me after that, and I don’t blame him. Nothing was broken just our egos.”

9. Cyst

“I had really terrible cramps a few times after sex, enough that I had to take pain pills just to sleep. The pain was gone in the next morning both times, and weirdly it didn’t happen every time we had sex. I went to the gyno and even had an ultrasound done, but no one could see anything.

Fast forward a few months later. One night my boyfriend and I got kind of drunk while watching Bay Watch (more like Bae Watch, amirite, Rock Bottom) and decided to keep a good night going with some tipsy sex.

The cramping started midway through and didn’t let up. Within minutes I was crouched naked on the toilet (no idea why I thought it would help) and couldn’t move. My boyfriend called an Uber in lieu of an ambulance. I managed to get myself dressed despite puking every few seconds into a plastic mixing bowl. The poor driver didn’t want to take me, since he probably thought I was drunk, and sat there arguing with my boyfriend that I needed an ambulance. I blurted out “get me to a hospital NOW” and he slammed on the gas. That argumentative angel got me there in less than five minutes.

It turns out an ovarian cyst had burst and torn my uterine wall, so I was bleeding internally. I had to have laparoscopic surgery to remove and cauterize the cyst. Those little b*s are no joke. My only regret is never learning what size fruit or ball I could compare it to. I’m also eternally grateful to my boyfriend to being too tired for tent sex the week before or I would have been bleeding internally at the far end of the Grand Canyon.”

10. Good thing you were the DD

“I had to drive a friend to the ER after he broke his penis during a house party. I was already the scheduled DD for my friends and apparently one of them snuck off with this girl. They were doing the good ol’ reverse cowgirl like any other young bucks would and she ended up zigging where she should’ve zagged and kinda did a 90 degree body torque.

To his explanation, it sorta just “popped” and he threw her off him and screamed bloody murder. He tossed on some shorts commando style and told me to drive him to the hospital like now. Drop what I’m doing, get in the car you’re the only one sober, let’s go, let’s go. Oh and the girl came along. Her name was Amanda and she was pretty chill.

So it was me driving two barely clothed 20 year olds in my car to the local hospital twenty minutes away with my dude holding his penis in the backseat and Amanda just consoling him rubbing his back making sure he’s okay. Telling him, “It’s going to be alright, you’re gonna be fine.” like he hadn’t just fractured his penis.

So, we make it to the ER and he just hobbles in and says he broke his penis, please fix it. And they took him in and I was just alone with this girl I had met that night just waiting for the prognosis. And around an hour later they tell us that he’s having emergency surgery because he suffered a_”severe penile fracture and tore his urethra aswell.” And basically told us to go home, call someone to pick him up that night.

Dude was under the knife and discharged the next day, penis intact and pride only somewhat. Oh and I also had to call his parents to let them know that their son was having emergency penis surgery and to pick him up in the morning. Could/could not be a fun call at 12 at night depending on the perspective. They ended up dating for a while after that too.”

11. Trim your nails

“Not the ER but I did end up at my gyno the next day after I got my clit sliced by someone’s too long fingernail. PSA: please keep your nails clipped and filed.”

12. Don’t stop

“My wife had just had surgery to remove an ovarian cyst, so after a week of abstinence we were having sex. I felt like I hit something wrong, but she said to not worry about it. Fast forward a couple of hours, and she’s in a lot of pain. She thinks there might have been a complication with the surgery and us having sex might have caused something bad.

Off we go to the ER, one ultrasound later, the doctor tells us that she had a bruise on the inside of her vagina. I remembered the “Uh oh”moment, and I asked her about it. She said “Well, it did hurt, but I didn’t want you to stop.”

Oy vey.”

13. Don’t do that

“I’ve seen the “broken penis” four times, twice THIS YEAR strangely enough. Also had to give a few too many intracavernosal injections of neo for priaprism.

Things inserted rectally that cannot be removed at home. We had a guy who would put toy cars, coke glass bottles, and later a clearly canadian bottle because he was excited it was back on the market.”

14. This sounds pretty popular

“While having a day shift, we were called a older man was brought in with a big whiskey glass up in his bum. The doctor had to do a laparotomy, and removed his lower intestines.”

15. A life saver

“I’ve told this story a few times. A sex injury literally ended up saving my life. My best friend at the time and I had a few drinks and tensions had been there between us for a long time. She invited me back to her room and tackled me onto her bed, where I hit my head hard off the bedpost. The next morning concussion symptoms started hitting me very heavily so I went to the ER.

On my CT scan they told me “everything looks normal except for your old brain trauma.” (I have never had brain trauma). About a month later it is diagnosed as a brain tumor that I was not showing symptoms for yet. Had surgery a few weeks later to have it removed and at that point found out it was non-cancerous.”

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6+ Facts About Drinking You Should Definitely Know

If drinking was a sport, it would definitely be America’s favorite pastime (along with a lot of the world).

Enjoy these 7 facts about hittin’ the sauce! Bottom’s up!

1. What kind of drunk are you?

Photo Credit: did you know?

2. A nice little tip

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3. Hangover cure

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4. Let ’em drink

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5. Role model

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6. Even tequila?

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7. Nice job, dude

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12 Redditors Share the Most Ridiculous Things They’ve Seen Men Do to Defend Their Masculinity

The definition of “manly” is changing. In this day and age, it’s becoming more and more acceptable for men to be and feel how they want – even in public and even if it’s not “masculine.” Unfortunately, some people just aren’t on board.

Like these 12 men, who went to extreme lengths to remind everyone around they were, indeed, male.

 

#12. His girlfriend screaming at him to stop.

“A few weeks ago my wife and I visited a friend in another country. We got to know her boyfriend, who was a bit… special. He teased her relentlessly, all the time, and could not take any criticism at all.

Once, we were arriving back at the house (by car, he was driving), when she jokingly told him “I drive way better than you!”, referring to the narrow alleyways in their town and how she has no issues parking in tiny spots.

Apparently, he saw that as an offense to his manlihood which he just could not let slide in front of his girlfriend and us, two almost complete strangers in the back seat. He started accelerating like a maniac, going about 80 kilometers an hour in an old European town in the mountains (where you don’t see any cars coming and the roads are really narrow), his girlfriend screaming at him to stop. He did this for about two streets before he turned around and drove back.”

#11. We don’t invite him for drinks.

“I work with an insane over the top alpha ego fuck boy. We all go out for drinks one night and he literally tells me I should go fight a random stranger in the bar because we have a similar hair cut. Obviously I think he’s joking cause that’s fucking ridiculous. But no, he’s dead serious and goes onto to call me fucking pussy and says how soft I am. Goes on to tell me about all the bar fights he has been in. Needless to say, we don’t invite him for drinks anymore.”

#10. Chill out, dude

“My dad will not tolerate being served food that was set to look “pretty”. Once he ordered a dish with coconut shrimp, and when it came out its presentation looked very cute and my dad immediately recoiled in disgust and said ” This isn’t what I ordered, take it back!”

We were all confused because he had in fact ordered it and the waitress was just beside herself. My dad then said, “It’s too feminine ”

The waitress ended up taking the plate back and they rearranged the shrimp as to not offend my dad as if he were a picky two-year-old.”

#9. I didn’t even know that was a thing.

“It was raining and I offered a guy my umbrella and he refused, saying they were for just for women.

I didn’t even know that was a thing.”

#8. What girls should expect.

“Some years back I had a guy block me on FB and stop talking to me at work because I posted a pic of me in make-up that my daughter did and then a second pic of me in a sarong with same make up.

She was 10 and wanted a model to work on. It was hilarious fun and it will be a long lived great memory of me and my little girl having a good laugh.

Apparently he was talking behind my back about me being gay and I was teaching my daughter the wrong things about what ‘being a man’ meant and what girls should expect. The other blokes are as crazy as me and didn’t think much of him.

He even went as far as telling the SO he did not think I was the right person to be working and sleeping at the station with other men. (I’m a Fire fighter)

This is a guy who was divorced twice and estranged from his kids. Has at least one violence order against him that I’ve since learnt about.

He was a shit worker and only lasted 8months.”

#7. She had to text my sister.

“Stepbrother is the type of guy that refuses to hold his girlfriends purse. Once at a small family dinner she went to the bathroom, after a minute she must have texted him and he goes to check on her, they quietly argued a little and were clearly mad but trying to hide it the whole night after. Turns out she needed a tampon from her purse and he wouldn’t even bring the purse too her, she had to text my sister to bring it to her.”

#6. I would have felt worse if…

“A guy tried to immasculate me in my weightlifting class, the problem being he had never lifted in his life. It should be noted that this was guy was a one-upper to a T. If anyone had a talent or had anything remotely interesting to say, he was there to out-do them.

I was showing him how to do bench press and I was doing 155, which is my max. Not a lot of weight, but again, it’s a lot when you’ve never lifted. He proceeded to attempt the weight I was doing while I was at the water fountain. Unfortunately I couldn’t get there before he gave himself a hairline fracture in his sternum.

I would have felt worse for him if he wasn’t such a dickhead.”

#5. So fragile.

“My brother won’t eat foods that resemble semen. No mayonnaise, no yogurt or sour cream, nothing. He won’t even eat the melted frosting on a cinnabon. Masculinity so fragile.”

#4. No water ever.

“Refuse to drink water. Ever.”

#3. That didn’t fly.

“Two male classmates and I were on a fieldtrip and got caught in the rain. I had a raincoat, and Guy1 had an umbrella. He offered to share it with the Guy2, who had no rain gear. Guy2 insisted it was gay to share an umbrella with another man. He would only use the umbrella if he carried it, while I walked under it with him and Guy1 borrowed my raincoat. This didn’t fly because

A. I wasn’t about to give up my raincoat for the paltry protection lent by huddling under an umbrella, and

B. Guy1 would not have fit my raincoat.

So Guy2 got soaked.”

#2. Refused to be paired.

“At a school dance it was cheaper to get in if you were a couple, I can’t remember exactly how much it was probly 10 or 20 bucks cheaper. The teacher at the door was cool so even if you came with your group of guy friends he would just pair you off and charge you the cheaper price. These two jock type guys refused to be paired together and demanded they each pay thier separate entrance fee.”

#1. No other pen.

“I used to work at a bakery where each clerk had to bring their own pens to have customers sign receipts with (if they paid with a card). I had a pink pen with a little duck on top and one day a customer refused to sign with it. He got really mad that I didn’t have another pen and walked out to his car to find a pen that wasn’t “girly”.”

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These 10 Tips Will Get You Through a Day in High Heels

It’s no coincidence that the words ‘heel’ and ‘hell’ are so similar (ok, fine, it was probably a linguistic accident – whatevs). Even the cutest pair of high heels can wreak havoc on your feet. And if your line of work requires them on a daily basis? Well, then, you definitely need to employ these hacks to get through your day.

And if you’re just dreading donning a pair for a weekend wedding, these will help you, too.

 

#10. Put your shoes in the freezer.

Photo Credit: Pixabay

For added comfort, stuff them with a bag of cold water first, but either way, leave them for at least 30 minutes. The cold material will adapt to your warm foot instead of the other way around.

#9. Tape your toes together.

Photo Credit: Brightside

Specifically, your third and fourth toe, where nerve pressure can build up and cause pain.

#8. Break them in.

Photo Credit: Depositphotos

Wear cotton socks dipped in hot water to break in your shoes around the house. It will help them stretch a little and not be so stiff when you step out.

#7. Don’t take them off.

Photo Credit: Pixabay

If your day isn’t over, don’t give in to the temptation of a five minute break. Your feet will most likely swell within minutes, making putting them back on a painful – or even impossible – task.

#6. Grab some double-sided tape.

Photo Credit: Pixabay

Use it to stick your foot to the bottom of the shoe, making sure that your foot doesn’t do the slipping and sliding that can cause blisters and toe pain.

#5. Have your deodorant do double duty.

Photo Credit: Brightside

You can roll it on to your heels, toes, or anywhere else you experience painful chafing during the day.

#4. Invest in insoles.

Photo Credit: Pixabay

If you’re going to be wearing heels on a regular basis, investing in keeping your feet healthy is the way to go. These little socks, typically made from silicone or fabric, provide much-needed support and protection.

#3. Move around.

Photo Credit: Pixabay

If your feet are killing you, get up and walk. You can also sit down, but standing still in your heels is almost as bad as taking them off.

#2. Keep emergency supplies in your purse.

Photo Credit: Pixabay

Bandaids, roll-on chafing blockers, liquid bandage, mole-skin, or even an extra pair of insoles – there will come a day when you’re not sorry you have them along.

#1. Use hydrating cream.

Photo Credit: Depositphotos

If you lather up before putting your heels on, it can help save your feet from rubbing, pain, and blisters, especially if your heels are new and still stiff.

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Meet the 17-Year-Old Girl Who’s Training to Be One of the First People on Mars

“Daddy, I want to be an astronaut, and be one of the people that go to Mars.”

Meet Alyssa Carson. Ever since she was 3-years-old, she knew she wanted to be an astronaut. There’s nothing too unique about that. Most kids have grandiose dreams of growing up to be cowboys, astronauts, and everything in between. So, when she said that, her parents probably smiled and nodded, thinking that their daughter would change her mind about her future career fifteen times before choosing one, but in their case, they were wrong.

By the time Alyssa was 16, she had witnessed 3 Space Shuttle launches, attended 7 Space Camps and 3 sessions of Space Academy, and completed Robotics Academy. She’s the youngest graduate ever of Advanced Space Academy and has also finished several Sally Ride Camps.

Photo Credit: Facebook

Alyssa wasn’t done, either – she also attended space camps in Turkey and Canada, making her the first person ever to attend all three NASA Space Camps around the world.

Which is all to say…she’s not changing her mind.

And her parents aren’t the only ones who have sat up and taken notice – in 2013, NASA invited her to be on the MER 10 panel in Washington DC to discuss future missions to Mars on live NASA TV. Later, they selected her to be 1 of 7 ambassadors representing Mars One, a mission to establish a human colony on Mars by 2030.

Now, Alyssa is part of the Advanced Possum Academy, which makes her certified for space missions and an official astronaut in training.

Photo Credit: Facebook

The 17-year-old from Baton Rouge keeps up with her studies – including learning 4 languages – in addition to her astronaut training. She’s also an active public speaker and hopes to interest others in space exploration.

“Always follow your dream and don’t let anyone take it from you.”

Will we see Alyssa Carson on a manned mission to Mars in 2033? Only time will tell, but if she has anything to say about it, there doesn’t seem to be any doubt.

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This Couple Might Have to Get Divorced to Afford Their Daughter’s Healthcare Costs

Here’s a story that truly captures just how weird things can get in 2018: two happily married adults are considering a divorce just to pay for their daughter’s rising medical costs.

Jake and Maria Grey have two daughters, and the six-year-old, Brighton, was born with a rare genetic disorder called Wolf-Hirschhorn syndrome. What it means is that she’s essentially still a newborn and requires round-the-clock care that is costing the family at least $15,000 a year out of pocket. Hence, they’re considering a divorce, which would mean Brighton would qualify for Medicaid and get the care she needs – for less money.

Jake is an army veteran and the couple have private insurance, but the bills are just too high. He told Today,

“It’s drowning us to try to keep up with her medical expenses. We’ve done everything we can do to try to keep her afloat, and we’re going to reach a point where we can’t do it and we won’t have another option. We don’t know what to do.”

Currently, they make “too much” for their daughter to qualify for Medicaid, but if they divorced, Maria would be a single, unemployed mother-of-two, which would mean the girls would have access to that coverage.

The Greys are happy and would otherwise not be contemplating divorce, but as every parent knows, when it comes to the kids, we do what we have to do – and Maria says they are no different:

“We promised to each other and to her that we’d do whatever we could do to make her life, however long she’s going to be with us, as good as possible.”

Good luck to them, and to all of the parents of special needs kids who are struggling out there.

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