12 Times the Routine “Sexual History” Question Went Weird

The sexual history question is supposed to be routine. It’s there to cover bases and help doctors and nurses check off boxes and eliminate variables, or lead them to the source of a potential problem.

But, as these 12 stories from doctors, nurses, and patients can attest, when the subject of sex is invoked, the routine can swiftly veer into the absurd:

#1. Be Cool

When I was in year seven, probably 11 or 12 years old, I had broken my foot in a way that needed a minor surgery, so my cute twentysomething nurse was asking me the pre questions with my dad.

When she got to the personal part, she asked if I wanted my dad to leave the room, I said no, because, whatever.

When she asked if I was sexually active, I turned to my dad and said in a loud whisper, “I want her to think I’m cool.”

#2. Socially Active

The best response I’ve heard to this question was from a quiet guy in my freshman college English class.

Somehow our discussion on vaccines led to this topic, and he told a story about his doctor asking if he was sexually active.

His perfect response was, “Bro, I’m not even socially active.”

#3. Sweet Ride

One of my classmates was asking a 75 year old woman with dementia about her occupation for a PT exam.

Her response: “I give blowjobs in my garage to afford my sweet ride.”

#4. “Not that that would change a thing, though.”

I’m a hospital corpsman (navy medic) and I had this older retired salty dog as a patient a while ago.

His wife had passed away, but I didn’t know that.

When I asked if was sexually active he said, “Well, no for two reasons: I’m married, and she’s dead. Not that that would change a thing, though.”

I felt terrible, and then he just started laughing and told me not to feel bad.

Seriously caught me off guard though.

Crusty old bastard!

#5. Huge Difference

My doctor was just telling me a story…

Back when they first started performing vasectomies, doctors had to call their patients back for standard follow up questioning a number of weeks after the procedure.

He told me he got the same answers from all of the couples he interviewed:

Any Sensation change? -No, Any performance Change? – No… etc.

This went on and on… until one day, he asked a couple if there was anything different after the procedure. Any changes at all….

The wife said YES… There is a huge difference since he had the surgery.

My doc was very surprised, and when he inquired further, the wife said, “It tastes different”…

He said it was all he could do to keep from laughing as he made the note of, “Seminal fluid tastes different after procedure”

#6. Lottery

I told my doctor back in high school that I wasn’t sexually active and she said:

“And you go to ______ High School?! I should play the lottery!”

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10 Mind-Blowing Things These Men Learned About Women Simply by Dating One.

Since the dawn of time, men and women have been attempting to understand each other. To most men, women are a mystery. We didn’t realize how much of a mystery until we stumbled upon this AskReddit asking heterosexual men to reveal what they’ve learned about women since they began dating them. The responses are truly eye opening.

1. Gives_Wrong_Answer has some misconceptions on the mechanics of tampons. Sorry, guys. There’s nothing cool or explosive about them.

I had no clue that the string on the bottom of a tampon was to pull it out when you wanted to change it. I thought for sure that a girl stuck the tampon in, pulled the string, and it expanded like a mini explosive. Kind of like a rip cord and a parachute. I was clearly wrong.

2. Much to the surprise of catiesaur’s boyfriend, our vaginas do not spontaneously turn into Niagara Falls once a month. Though wouldn’t it be cool if they did? (No, it wouldn’t be cool. It would be gross.)

My very period-sympathetic boyfriend thought, up until a few months ago, that all the blood during a woman’s monthly period comes out all at once. In some massive torrential wave. (Apparently, we only wear tampons/pads for longer because we don’t know exactly when the flood is coming…)

3. In yet another case of menstruation confusion, stinkyP00 is just relieved to know that those marks on our underwear aren’t poop. Frankly, we’re relieved too.

I’ve lurked reddit for a while now, but I had to create my own account for this one. I never had any sisters and started dating my girlfriend a little over a year and a half ago. Well, one day within the first month or so of dating, I noticed she had some skid marks on her panties. I was thoroughly disgusted, but she’s awesome, so I let it slide. I later saw that she had more than one pair of skid marked underwear, and it remained a mystery as to why this awesome girl either A) had really bad diarrhea often or B) had no idea how to wipe her own ass. Again, this didn’t affect me too greatly, but I did find it to be a little odd. Fast forward a few months, when we went to visit her mom at her apartment. My GF’s little sister, who was 17 at the time, lived there as well. I went into her little sister’s room and saw she had panties on the floor… WITH SKID MARKS. I was aghast… Could this be a family issue? I couldn’t take it any more and I just had to ask my GF if she wasn’t raised with proper ass wiping technique. She laughed and told me it was period blood, and that girls have a few pairs of underwear they use specifically if they’re on their period. The world made a little more sense, and I was so relieved my girlfriend knew how to properly wipe her ass. I also felt like a dumbass.

TL;DR – Period blood stains sure look a hell of a lot like skid marks.

4. A common misconception we’ve seen on this thread is that men think our buttholes serve many more functions than they actually do. So much so that herromongorian’s boyfriend thought we had to see a special doctor just for our buttholes.

i told my boyfriend about my first gynecology appointment and was joking that the first time i got fingered was by a big female doctor (see principle from the movie matilda). he started fidgeting, turned pale and asked me why gynecologists have to finger women’s buttholes. he thought gynecologist=butthole doctor.

5. Vomit=pregnant, according to topo_di_biblioteca’s boyfriend.

My boyfriend thought “morning sickness” (meaning you are pregnant) occurred the morning directly after you’ve had sex. He freaked out when I had a stomach flu one morning after staying over.

6. Yes, Someonedumb, we do this. What can we say? Girls love snacks. If your snacks look delicious, we’re going to eat them. That’s the way it goes.

That they’ll tell you they’re not hungry then eat the food off your plate one piece at a time.

7. Hey, MSJallDAY, it’s not easy controlling long hair in this humidity, okay? We need some reinforcement.

Bobby pins, bobby pins everywhere.

8. Thank you for understanding, IEatBluePlayDough. Looking good isn’t cheap!

The financial burden of makeup.

9. OnlySarcasm, do you think we keep asking you to put the toilet seat down for fun? No! It’s for safety! An open toilet is a dangerous toilet.

that they actually will fall in the toilet if you leave it up..

10. Perhaps all the bragging about penis size can at last come to an end thanks to this revelation by Camtronocon.

“Why would we care how long your limp penis is?”

Mind blown

Well, guys, this has been fascinating. I think we’ve all learned a lot here today.

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29 People Reveal the Darkest Family Secrets They Ever Discovered

Growing up, I never understood quite how lucky I was to have a boring family (at least until I had already moved out!) and reading these 29 Reddit users’ stories about their family’s deep, dark secrets only serves to reaffirm me – because THEY CRAY!

1. NAZIS!

“I married this woman a few years ago. After dating her a while, I could tell there was something strange about her family. She claimed that she didn’t know what part of the world her ancestors were from, didn’t know where her last name came from, her parents had blonde hair and blue eyes, but had Latino accents. I later found out their first language was Portuguese and they were from Brazil.

Anyway, about a year after we were married, she sat down with me and explained that her grandparents were avid Nazis who fled to Brazil just before the war ended. She obviously didn’t like for people to know this, and had a hard time finding a way to tell me. I didn’t really care. I told her that I loved her for who she was and it didn’t matter who her grandparents were, all that mattered was who she was.

Anyway, it seemed important for her that I meet her relatives in Brazil, and apparently, her parents went there to visit every few years. So we planned the most bizarre trip of my life. When you first arrive, nothing seems off about the colony. They speak Portuguese and German, they have jobs, they drive cars, they don’t stand out in any way except that they look different than other Brazilians. The colony is isolated, and the few locals who are around don’t seem to care of really quite grasp what’s going on.

But once you start talking to people, you realize that they are deeply disturbed and have a deep-seated hatred for anyone who is different from them, especially Jews. I remember one conversation I had with her great uncle, a man who, I kid you not, had a Hitler mustache.

‘If you are going to be a part of this family you have to understand what we are planning. This is not some sad, little nursing home for the Nazi way of life to die, it is merely an incubator.’”

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26 People Share the Reasons Their Friendships Ended

Some friends are for a season and some are for a life. But sometimes it’s hard to know why friends can be that way. We change, they change, or sometimes just circumstances change.

Take a look at these 26 Reddit users who share stories of losing their best friends, sometime for very good reason, sometimes for no reason at all.

1. Drinking doesn’t make it better

I lost my friends when my son died. Instead of being supportive, they harassed me to come out drinking, or go to the bar. Like I had just been through a breakup and needed to go out. No, literally 24 hours ago I buried my baby in the ground.

2. Just Jealous

I set a good girl friend up with a close guy friend. Then he started cheating on her, so I told her the truth. When she finally confronted him, his actually replied with:

“Don’t listen to her. She’s just jealous. Just played matchmaker to get closer to me.”

The worst part? She believed him. So did my circle of friends on her side and his side.

I never quite got over that.

3. Nowhere to go from here

When I realized the only thing we had in common was the past. That sucked.

4. Moms’ club

She had a baby, and then one day we were having lunch and she told me “You know, I only want to hang out with other moms from now on.” I didn’t quite get the hint, but she ignored all my texts and emails for a few months and I finally realized what she was trying to tell me back there.

5. Ghosted

My best friend ghosted on me. We met in 3rd grade and were thick as thieves until I went to college. While I can recognize I wasn’t the greatest friend always, it was 100% her choice to stop being my friend. I admit- it still hurts nearly a decade later. I never got closure, and I doubt I ever will. I’m not sure she has thought out why or would give me the honest truth if I asked. She should have been my maid of honor, and it makes me really sad when I think of that. I try to remind myself that she caused drama for me- she was really passive aggressive and wouldn’t talk to me when I did something to bother her. She also never opened up to me about anything bothering her in other aspects of her life. I don’t need that back in my life.

But I do miss the great times we had- all the inside jokes, the way we knew what was on each other’s minds- we absolutely killed at the game taboo! – and I have never gotten that close with anyone again. But I did read a really beautiful sentiment recently, which I will try to capture here. The people you have in your life grow and occupy space in the tapestry that makes up your life. When they are gone, it makes a hole where they used to be. The memories and love are still there and may always be there. So don’t look at your tapestry as filled with holes- look at it as your own unique lace pattern. The pattern isn’t over, but it is constantly changing. The pain of loss doesn’t ever really go away, but it does lessen over time.

6. Karma

Walked in on him moments after he was finished having sex with my (now ex) girlfriend in my room

Karma was nice though: he blew out his knee and can no longer play his sport professionally, I lost a lot of weight, and she found most of it.

7. I’m sorry – cat abuse?

His drug using girlfriend who was on probation stole $300 from me and abused my cat. My former friend refused to believe she could do such a thing and got pissed off at me about it. We’d been friends for 20+ years.

8. Ouch

Let him move in because of issues at his home. Started missing money and found used syringes IN MY SHOES.

9. Anger Management

She flipped and went super saiyan because I had the audacity to make plans with another friend, and invite her. Instead of making plans with her first then inviting my other friend. She then pinned me to a chair and started screaming in my face. Thats the day I fired my maid of honour, and booted her from my life. She then smashed my car window that night.

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Medical Pros Reveal the Most NSFW Situations They Encountered at Work

A lot of us like to stay away from NSFW content at work.

Hence the acronym…

But, what if the NSFW actually happens at work?

Well, I suppose you take to AskReddit, and you start sharing those stories.

At least that’s what these 18 doctors, nurses, and vets did:

#1. That should do it

“A person thought pouring Lysol on their diabetic foot-ulcer would keep it from getting infected.”

#2. Ugh!

“An obese women came back to the hospital after an abdominal operation, because her staples had ripped off, and she didn’t notice (!?!).

She now had a huge v-shape gash at least 2 inches deep from her pubis to the diaphragm. We had to clean that gash a couple of times a day.

The first student that went into the room fainted at the site of it, so our teacher asked me to do it (I had the reputation of being tough).

Imagine a small yellow and green river coming out of her each time she moved. The smell was so horrible that we had to opened the window and close the door.

Sadly, that poor woman died of the infection a couple of days later.”

#3. Good job parents!

“A patient’s extended family physically stopped us from resuscitating a completely limp and unresponsive newborn because helping it breathe, ‘isn’t natural. Labor is natural and requires no intervention.’

Baby eventually and slowly perked up about 15 minutes later.

Needless to say, I don’t expect this baby to go to Harvard.”

#4. Kind of like ‘The Walking Dead’

“I had a homeless patient come into the dermatology clinic. He had a filthy bed sheet wrapped around his head, with only part of the left side of his face and left eye exposed.

You could see the rancid stink coming off of his head.

We got him in the exam room and unwrapped his noggin. Turns out he had a basal cell carcinoma (skin cancer) for which he had refused treatment, for like 15 years.

The cancer had eaten away all of the skin on most of his head. There were very large areas of muscle and bone exposed.

The tumor had eaten into his skull and you could see into his skull as well as his sinuses. His right ear was long gone.

I could watch his muscles move and contract while he spoke. It was literally like watching something from The Walking Dead, except there was no sign of infection or maggots or anything else horrible.

It has literally a living, dissected skull talking to us like it was totally normal.

It was simultaneously horrifying and amazing to see.”

 

#5. Bath salts?

“Walked into back room with two patients with CP (cerebral palsy). Another client was in the back with FEMA and mentally disabled.

FEMA client was eating one of the CP clients’ face off.

Blood everywhere, and the screaming is enough to stick in my mind forever.

1/4 of her face was missing after that.”

#6. Fun with veggies

“Bok choi in an adult male’s ass.

Insisted it just, ‘slipped in.’

Removed it, and it had a condom on it.”

#7. Beware of washcloths

“A story about a quadriplegic guy who just had an operation. My teacher, another student, and I were taking care of it.

The teacher took a washcloth and decided to clean his face, and that’s when it happened.

The guy started to eat the washcloth. Yes, eat it.

The more he would eat it, the more he would start to choke on it.

The other student panicked. My teacher was pulling on the washcloth with her 2 hands and her knee on the bed to get some grip.

Nothing…

The guy was still eating it and choking. So I had, probably the best idea in my life, and I block his nostrils with my hand.

He couldn’t breathe, so he let go of the washcloth.

The 3 of us were shaking, sweating and swearing to never put a washcloth near the mouth of someone who just came back from surgery.

The funny thing is that I talked to the guy a couple of days later, and he didn’t remember a thing.”

#8. OBGYN

“Probably the most disgusting time of your medical school career will be your obstetrics and gynecology rotation.

You can expect on a daily basis to be splattered with blood/amniotic fluid mixtures, and on a slightly less frequent basis to be covered in vomit, urine, and poop.

For me the worst was assisting with C-sections. Mostly as the med student it would be your job to hold the retractor, which means standing there and pulling on a big metal thing and staying perfectly still.

Once they cut into the uterus, the amniotic fluid and blood all spills out all over your hands and arms and drips onto your gown and down to your feet.

It’s warm and there’s a lot of it and you can feel it through your gloves, but you can’t move.

That’s not really a special occurrence. It’s literally every day for the whole month (or more if you decide you like it of course).”

#9. Classy

“Walked in on a woman blowing her husband.

She had just delivered a baby 2 hours prior, who was in the NICU.
If my hubby had asked me to do that even a week after having our baby, I would have punched him in his dick-hole.”

#10. Depressing

“The worst day on the job was being the nurse for a pregnant woman who was due the same week as me…

I was in the room when the doctor told her that there wasn’t a heartbeat anymore. I sat with her while she cried.

Her boyfriend didn’t answer her calls.

She was hospitalized for an infection and I visited her after my shift. I felt so awful that she had to go through that alone.

I later found out that my baby had trisomy 13 and had an abortion.

I felt guilty for watching a woman cry over what she couldn’t control and then opting out of a wanted, albeit flawed, pregnancy.”

#11. A man and his dildo

“My dad is an ER doctor. Early in his career, he had a big, burly truck driver come into the emergency room and flat out say, ‘Doc I’ve got a dildo in my ass you’ve gotta get it out.’

So, my dad takes him into a room with a nurse accompanying him, has the guy bend over and grab the exam table, and my dad tells the nurse to duck when he says so.

He grabs hold of the end of the dildo with those gator clamp things, and straight yanks it out as hard as he can.

The nurse behind him never ducked, and a splurge of blood and shit hits her, full-frontal.

My dad said the nurse ran out screaming, leaving behind a perfect silhouette against the wall while the dildo flopped around the floor, still vibrating.”

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19 Police Sketches of Famous Book Characters Compared to How They Look in Movies

Authors spend a lot of time crafting character descriptions so you can quickly paint a picture and get a sense of what their personalities are like. For many, these introductions are among the most enjoyable parts of reading a novel.

Photo Credit: NBC

So it should come as no surprise that fans of a book often cry foul when film roles are cast with actors who don’t match their vision of how a particular character is supposed to look.

Photo Credit: Disney

Artist Brian Joseph Davis explores this conundrum with The Composites, his series of police sketches based on characters’ book descriptions.

Davis uses basic law enforcement sketch software to create eerily accurate black and white portraits of some of literature’s most famous faces, which has given us the perfect opportunity to compare them to their movie counterparts.

Some can be remarkably accurate, as you can see with Russell Crowe’s portrayal of Javert in the 2012 screen version of Les Misérables

Javert, Les Misérables, written by Victor Hugo, portrayed by Russell Crowe

Or Rooney Mara’s take on Lisbeth Salander from The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo

Photo Credit: Brian Davis, Columbia Pictures

Lisbeth Salander, The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, written by Stieg Larsson, portrayed by Rooney Mara

…but others were wildly off.

Frankenstein’s Monster looked much different on screen than it did in the book.

The Monster, Frankenstein, written by Mary Wollstonecraft Shelley, portrayed by Boris Karloff

Take a look at these famous characters and let us know which ones you think were accurately represented and which ones seriously missed the mark.

Annie Wilkes, Misery, written by Stephen King, portrayed by Kathy Bates

Photo Credit: Brian Davis, Red Bank Films

Carrie White, Carrie, written by Stephen King, portrayed by Sissy Spacek

Photo Credit: Brian Davis, Focus Features

Christian Grey, Fifty Shades of Grey, written by E. L. James, portrayed by Jamie Dornan

Photo Credit: Brian Davis, Orion Pictures

Clarice Starling, The Silence of the Lambs, written by Thomas Harris, portrayed by Jodie Foster

Count Dracula, Dracula, written by Bram Stoker, portrayed by Bela Lugosi

Photo Credit: Brian Davis, Warner Bros

Daisy Buchanan, The Great Gatsby, written by F. Scott Fitzgerald, portrayed by Carey Mulligan

Photo Credit: Brian Davis, Zoetrope Studios

Dallas Winston, The Outsiders, written by S.E. Hinton, portrayed by Matt Dillon

Photo Credit: Brian Davis, Orion Pictures

Hannibal Lecter, The Silence of the Lambs, written by Thomas Harris, portrayed by Anthony Hopkins

Humbert Humbert, Lolita, written by Vladimir Nabokov, portrayed by James Mason

Photo Credit: Brian Davis, Warner Bros

Jack Torrance, The Shining, written by Stephen King, portrayed by Jack Nicholson

Photo Credit: Brian Davis, Lionsgate

Katniss Everdeen, The Hunger Games, written by Suzanne Collins, portrayed by Jennifer Lawrence

Photo Credit: Brian Davis, Zoetrope Studios

Kurtz, Heart of Darkness, written by Joseph Conrad, portrayed by Marlon Brando in Apocalypse Now.

Photo Credit: Brian Davis, American Zoetrope

Lux Lisbon, The Virgin Suicides, written by Jeffrey Eugenides, portrayed by Kirsten Dunst

Photo Credit: Brian Davis, 20th Century Fox

Marla Singer, Fight Club, written by Chuck Palahniuk, portrayed by Helena Bonham Carter

Norman Bates, Psycho, written by Robert Bloch, portrayed by Anthony Perkins

Photo Credit: Brian Davis, Warner Bros

Sam Spade, The Maltese Falcon, written by Dashiell Hammett, portrayed by Humphrey Bogart

Photo Credit: Brian Davis, Miramax

Tom Ripley, The Talented Mr. Ripley, written by Patricia Highsmith, portrayed by Matt Damon

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18 Crazy Tumblr Stories to Add a Little Excitement to Your Day

#1. The Hit Man

Photo Credit: drkparadse

#2. The Pocket Piggy

Photo Credit: letmeletmetrashyourlove

#3. Mickey and the Blackout (not a band name)

Photo Credit: missmella

#4. Death Was Right on Schedule. Siriously.

Photo Credit: capitalvice

#5. The Lifetime Supply of Snow Globes

Photo Credit: heart

#6. He Went to Jared

Photo Credit: TIFU

#7. When Twitter Starts to Bug You

Photo Credit: menderash

#8. The Dog Who Wouldn’t Die

Photo Credit: daftalchemist

#9. A Super-Shitty Prank

Photo Credit: thebatteur

#10. Right Foot: Gray

Photo Credit: iguanamouth

#11. Birds + Bees = WTAF

Photo Credit: waakeme-up

#12. PLOT TWIST

Photo Credit: ikimaru

#13. Note: This Story Is Only Funny If You Know Basic Math

Photo Credit: waakeme-up

#14. The Gorillaz Effect

Photo Credit: nanalew

#15. Life Is All Ketchup and Rainbows

Photo Credit: The Daily Laugh

#16. Awareness Is Key

Photo Credit: TIFU

#17. The Frog Whisperer

Photo Credit: allhailweegee

#18. The Best Story Ever 2

Photo Credit: ofgeography

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17 Totally Woke Tumblr Posts That Are Instant Classics

There are posts that are mildly amusing, some that make you laugh out loud, and then there are those that,  as soon as you read them, you know that they’re going to end up in the Tumblr Hall of Fame, atop of the Tumblr Medal Stand.

You get the idea.

These 17 definitely land at the top of the heap – meaning that you can’t miss their brilliance from the get-go.

#17. 5/5 would see again.

Photo Credit: Tumblr

#16. Honestly, he’s probably not your “potential future boss” anymore.

Photo Credit: Tumblr

#15. I mean, the first rule of improv is to always say yes, so…nailed it? (nyuk nyuk)

Photo Credit: Tumblr

#14. I feel like this might be a message from an alternate timeline.

Photo Credit: Tumblr

#13. The comments speak for themselves.

Photo Credit: Tumblr

 

#12. You know, we do have these things called words?

Photo Credit: Tumblr

#11. I have no idea what’s happening in this picture, only that it is important. It will be in all of the textbooks.

Photo Credit: Tumblr

#10. Yes, get ready to have your mind blown, son.

Photo Credit: Tumblr

#9. I’m guessing that we’re witnessing procrastination at its finest.

Photo Credit: Tumblr

#8. We all have to learn the hard way not to challenge the internet.

Photo Credit: Tumblr

#7. In the apocalypse, people with crayons will be one step ahead.

Photo Credit: Tumblr

#6. Because this is amazing.

Photo Credit: Tumblr

 

#5. Oh, those precious moments when you know you’re not alone.

Photo Credit: Tumblr

#4. This sentence is a rollercoaster.

Photo Credit: Tumblr

#3. Because some days even internet quizzes get you down.

Photo Credit: Tumblr

#2. When a joke may not be objectively funny but it’s still funny.

Photo Credit: Tumblr

#1. That one time Tumblr fixed the world.

Photo Credit: Tumblr

 

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