Are you tired of reading about current events? So am I. I prefer my media filtered through hilarious Twitter perspectives, thank you very much.
No matter how weird things get, Twitter is always there with a combination of social observations and hilariously poignant peeks into the lives of strangers that just keep you scrolling through for more.
Here is a selection of some of the finest new tweets of the era. Enjoy.
15. Best served cold
I don’t know if he’s a doctor, but I trust him.
fun ways to improve your mental health (i think)
– go for a walk
– make small useless purchases
– sip coffee on a porch
– pet a cute animal
– revenge— Matt. (@MattTheBrand) May 23, 2020
14. Marshall law
What even is that place?
Glad Marshalls is reopening, summer wouldn’t have been the same without some slightly irregular fashions and obscure snacks.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) May 19, 2020
13. Let’s get this bread
This is one of those “previously unsaid sentences in human history.”
a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
— nige (@sensual_dad) May 22, 2020
12. Chatterbox
You sound like a good sister.
My baby brother has a stutter and sometimes gives up saying what he wants to say when he sees people are getting impatient but talks my ears offf. A few days ago we’re talking and he says “you understand me” with teary eyes. Guysss, idk if it’s possible to feel anymore love
— fat belly shar (@Sharbillionaire) May 21, 2020
11. I can dig it
I wish someone would look at me the way all dads look at mulch.
Wait, FREE dirt?
— Dog Lover (@DogLovinBear) May 8, 2020
10. Bear with me
The real story is that Goldilocks broke into a broken home.
daddy bear: who’s been sleeping in my bed?
mommy bear: who’s been sleeping in my bed?
baby bear: why are you in separate beds wtf
— tom (@pilau) May 20, 2020
9. Put it on my tab
“He’s supporting the family, Karen.”
3yo: look mom I’m a bartender!
Wife: you’re a pretend bartender?
3yo: no I’m a real bartender!
Me: he’s not lyin this old fashioned is on point.
— WTFDAD (@daddydoubts) May 23, 2020
8. Now kiss
I both love and desperately want to unsee this.
When a friend laughs at your joke and you are also laughing, that’s the moment: That’s when you go in for the kiss. pic.twitter.com/pDArh7MGsT
— Katie Didn't
(@Pork_Chop_Hair) January 2, 2019
7. A sinking feeling
Nothing a little Skynyrd can’t fix.
*musicians on Titanic ask panicking passengers for requests
*in the distance, someone yells “Freebird”
— The Alex Nevil (@TheAlexNevil) May 22, 2020
6. Eyes on you
Ooo girl, show me that forehead.
I put on mascara to go to the supermarket today, like some sort of shameless, pandemic hussy.
— Ms Evilroyslade
(@msevilroyslade) April 16, 2020
5. Consume
I would pay a lot of money to have this ability.
wife: okay, who wants the last cook-
me: pic.twitter.com/6TpEYiSgfk— Uncle Duke (@UncleDuke1969) May 22, 2020
4. Aging
I want to dance all night, or for maybe 3 minutes.
The butterfly, uh uh that’s old, let me see your tootsie roll
Me: Oh hell yeah! Time to hit the dance floor!! *instantly tears ACL*
— Son of Dad (@ThugRaccoons) January 4, 2018
3. A grander scale
It recognized the gravity of the situation.
I walked by my scale today and relatively sure it mumbled "oh fuck no"
— Steve (@AnExocticBeach) April 9, 2020
2. Homeschool hustle
Whoever said “learning is fun” is a liar.
Through dangers untold and hardships unnumbered, I have fought my way here to the summer break beyond homeschool.
— Divergent Mama (@Divergentmama) May 22, 2020
1. Parameters
This sounds like an error message on a horribly damaged computer.
I helped my kids build a fort. Once established, they put up the following sign and announced "None of your features can enter these parameters! …I don't know what that means, but I mean it!" pic.twitter.com/UShvCluT1S
— Starring Michelle
(@starringmichell) May 22, 2020
That last one has had me chuckling for days now. I especially love the tiny “state yur bizznes” at the bottom. These kids are serious, and I respect them.
Who are the best people to follow on Twitter right now?
Let us know in the comments.
The post Great Tweets to Read Right Now Instead of the News appeared first on UberFacts.