Delicious New Tweets For You to Enjoy

Do you sou smell that?

We’ve got some fresh out of the oven tweets for you here today. Home made and hot on the plate, just like Grandma used to make.

Savor each bite and enjoy these 14 new(ish) tweetly treats.

14. Let’s get physical

I looked at it for a solid 8 seconds before it clicked and now I feel stupid.

13. Attitude

A picture is worth at least a thousand words.

12. City slickers

Cool, so you know your way back out then?

11. At least you tried

Here, have some gym shorts for your face.

10. Growing older

Where’s all the wisdom that was supposed to come with this age?

9. Bottomless regret

That face when it’s noon and you’re already spent for the day.

8. Milky white

What we will and won’t put in our bodies is basically a crapshoot.

7. False dichotomy

Negative, I am a meat popsicle.

6. Quit your sass

Squidward is bitter because he knows in his heart he should have a better life.

5. Shut it down

Um, you sure? Cause I don’t think most states actually got the memo.

4. No peeping

If I need to write, delete, and repeat nine times before sending that’s my business.

3. Cat’s out of the bag

If you’re not about those felines how are you even living?

2. Let me get this straight

Is it weird that this is making me hungry?

1. Poor coverage

Well, I’m definitely getting mixed signals.

Absolutely deliciously delicious! Finally some good freakin’ internet food.

What do you go to Twitter for?

Tell us in the comments.

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Funny Tweets From People on the Struggle Bus

A philosopher once said, “Seek not perfection, seek only to live, for in living there – aw, dammit! I just spilled coffee all over my smock. My NEW smock. Dad was right, I’ll never make it as a philosopher. Stupid Carl. STUPID.” And you know what? He was right.

Here are tweets from ten people who are trying and failing and trying again.

10. Skin deep

Honestly even the fact that you’re talking about cleaning your room seems a little braggy to me.

9. High standards

When you realize that you may not be the catch you imagine yourself to be.

8. Don’t mind me

When you’re so in the moment you can’t smell your kitchen on fire.

7. Minimalism

I’m less concerned about the folding chair and more concerned about the two dozen paddles on the back wall.

6. Special delivery

I’ll bet he just ate all your fries and didn’t want to admit it.

5. This is just grate

How…how did you manage to get home like that?

4. The juice is loose

Gonna clean those things down to a pulp.

3. The pie goes on forever

Hey last time I checked you were my bank, not my mom.

2. Recipe for disaster

Honestly I thought the food might just be more impressive.

1. Shoe-less and clueless

At least you’re not stomping around trying to pretend your rights are being violated.

None of us has it fully together. And that’s ok. Just make sure to share your failures with others, because they’re usually really, really funny.

What’s been your biggest fail moment lately?

Tell us about it in the comments.

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Funny SpongeBob Memes We Think Are Forever Classics

SpongeBob memes are everywhere and there’s literally one for any occasion. Many, in fact.

Take for instance the college experience. It sort of makes sense that a show centered around a character who is somehow simultaneously a child and an adult would really speak to college students, and that many a meme would reflect that.

Here are fifteen things we can all relate to, in SpongeBob form.

15. A bad example

Wave goodbye to that GPA, friend.

14. A hefty price to pay

At least the books only cost me a kidney.

13. The final countdown

It’s fine. I can’t feel my soul but it’s fine.

12. Broke life

I’m not sure I can even afford to be sitting in this chair, tbh.

11. Average Joe

What can I say except you’re welcome?

10. Take a chance

Lesson learned: never speak again.

9. Time flies

Seriously that stuff’s more effective than a souped up DeLorean.

8. Side hustle

Yeah I can totally take that shift which I will immediately try to pawn off on someone else!

7. Hide the pain

Even my own face betrays me.

6. Very alarming

Guess I’m not making it to that class. Again.

5. Fat clouds

It’s even a problem underwater, somehow.

4. The great imposter

Look man, I’m just trying to turn in this dang assignment.

3. Financial planning

Taco Bell doesn’t count. Taco Bell never counts.

2. The thought that counts

You can have all of me. Well, some. You have to share.

1. Measure up

Get that logical coherence outta here.

If you’re actually a student right now, I hope you didn’t browse all those instead of doing your actual work. Tick tock, buddy. Get back to it.

What’s the weirdest thing about college in your opinion?

Tell us in the comments.

The post Funny SpongeBob Memes We Think Are Forever Classics appeared first on UberFacts.

Weird Designs That Will Make You Stop and Think

Designing stuff is really hard. Engineering is difficult.

Shaping the things we use and have around us at all times is a bit of a thankless task, because when it all goes right, nobody really notices it.

But when it all goes wrong? Well, that’s the stuff of memes.

10. Microwaves

These things have been around for like 70 years now, can we please improve some tech?

9. These safety pamphlets

Were they just copying and pasting to save on some graphic design costs?

8. Some banners

You might want to hire a good translator next time.

7. Scales

We all look at technology differently.

6. These weird sinks

Is it some sort of status symbol? A game? What’s going on here?

 

5. This restaurant sign

Cutting right to the chase and making me feel adequately stupid.

4. This Christmas display

The Miller Lite can at his feet is a nice touch.

3. Battery naming

Never understood this system. Can’t wrap my head around it for the life of me.

2. These butter knock-offs

I wonder if you could legally name your product “I Can’t Believe It’s Not ‘I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter.’”

1. Texans

They wear their national flag proudly.

But seriously, can we talk about microwaves for a second? We’ve got 3D printers that can make you a new kneecap at home but my hot food box still isn’t capable of creating a warm-inside hot pocket? I call shenanigans.

What’s your favorite design oddity?

Tell us in the comments.

The post Weird Designs That Will Make You Stop and Think appeared first on UberFacts.

People Who Work For Dating Apps Talk About the Tricks of the Trade

I’ve barely used any dating apps. My history with them generally involves installing, swiping for a few minutes, feeling self-conscious, and uninstalling again.

But despite my non-committal interest, it’s a huge industry, and one Reddit user wanted to peek behind the curtain.

Redditors that worked with a dating company (Tinder, Bumble, Hinge, etc.), what’s the most insane user stat or behind-the-scenes fact you found out about? from AskReddit

There were THOUSANDS of insights. Here are some of the most interesting!

1. What a job.

I have a friend who works for… I wanna say Tinder. Anyway, the company isn’t important; what is important is that her ENTIRE job is to remove inappropriate images.

Her JOB is to look at d*ck pics all day. Five days a week. That’s all. No stat.

Just a weird f*cking job.

– Lettuce-b-lovely

2. Going undercover.

My ex bf worked for the Yahoo Italy dating site back in the earlyish 2000s.

His job was to pretend to be a woman, and message male customers just as their accounts were going to expire. This would encourage them to pay to renew their subscriptions. Once they renewed, he would ghost them.

He only lasted for a few months due to how unethical it was.

– visualisewhirledpeas

3. Some solid stats.

Guys swipe right on 47% of profiles.

Women only swipe right on 12%.

I knew some guys would swipe right more than women, wasn’t prepared for how little women swipe right!

– elatedate

4. Let’s dig deep.

I ran operations for an online dating company (notably not affiliated with Match). From database analytics I can tell you a few things.

Men initiate contact around 80% of the time in straight matchmaking, and if you are a woman looking to date other women and you simply initiate contact with another woman you have a good chance of success simply because it’s very very very common for women to match but then neither initiates contact.

IIRC we were able to determine that it takes on average about 3 dates before sex happens (I don’t recall how we worked that out, I’m not a data analyst, but presumably it was some keyword based algorithm looking at chat messages).

We got so many requests for information from the police that we had an informal system with them, to save them from wasting time getting warrants for information about people who we didn’t have data on, they would ask about a particular name/email/whatever other identifier and we would just say yes we have data about them or no we don’t, and if we did they’d then go get the warrant to get a copy of it.

The other thing I can tell you from our analytics, that really shouldn’t be at all surprising, is to get some decent profile photos. Go get your talented friend or just hire a photographer to take some really nicely-lit well-composed photos of yourself and watch your match rate soar.

– jamesinc

5. Lotta fakes out there.

My old boss was the financial controller of a big dating site.

He kept on seeing these big invoices for modeling agencies and initially thought it was because of the big parties they used to host.

When he asked about it it turned out it was just content for the fake profiles they created to lure in users.

– jimpez86

6. It’s more powerful than you think.

Most dating sites and apps are owned by one company The Match Group.

They have a near monopoly.

I think bumble is one of the few not owned by them.

– HueJass84

7. Talk about ghosting.

This was years ago now, but I used to work with a guy who had been an engineer for Match.com. He said 99% of the profiles were inactive, and that 80% of the active profiles were men.

He didn’t provide numbers but also said the was a huge disparity between the average number of messages sent to women versus those sent to men.

According to him, all told the site was mostly men reaching out to dead profiles and never getting responses.

As I said however, this was years ago, so it’s entirely possible that they’ve cleaned the site up since then.

– CastSeven

8. A heartbreaking story…

A couple met on the dating app I worked on.

Unfortunately, the man passed away and the lady returned to the app where they met for remembrance.

One day, a bug in the system made some profile likes to be sent again after months and she received one from her deceased boyfriend.

Her bug report was heartbreaking.

– Sighne

9. Not so subtle.

Lots of gay guys get banned from grindr selling weed. Would get a lot of emails of “why am I banned”.

Go to their profile and will say “HMU for that ?

– PayneTrayne

10. You WHAT?

We used to create fake accounts and chat with users.

It was everything from someone having a premium account that wasn’t getting responses to bored employees.

– SupermanistheDR

11. Careful about the pics.

I never “worked” at OkCupid but years ago I reported a few profiles and then they made me a mod.

There were more fake or scam profiles than d*ck pics.

We think some profiles were reported just because someone didn’t like how they acted, but once you start image searching, you would typically find that those profiles are fake, or belong to real people that are definitely not on a dating site.

There were a bunch of accurate and proven catfish reports, and a lot of cute pets (pictures have to be of you, not your dog) and we would comment for the other mods “cute dog but breaks rules”. Also google the image of the dog and sometimes find out that it’s someone else’s dog.

– taffypulller

12. Why oh why.

I used to work at a dating site in the UK. I was on the tech side but most of the staff was a group of young women who manually approved images and text changes to profiles. There was about 10-15 of them and the turnover rate was about one a week. The work was just so mind numbing.

About 10 times a day they’ed shout that they’d “got another one”. Which basically meant one of the hundreds of thousands of men on the site has differently thought “I’ve thought of something nobody else has tried, I’ll upload a picture of my c*ck” at which point they’d all laugh at it, cancel the profile upload and go back to reading about people’s choice of pets or whatever else they thought was interesting

– mvrander

13. Everybody lies.

I worked for Match for a couple years.

This is probably widely known but women frequently lie about their age and weight and men lie about their height and salary.

Also, it’s a big problem that women are inundated with DMs while most men get none.

– ChickumNwaffles

14. Yikes.

A dude with over 2000 right swipes and no matches

– [user deleted]

15. Oh, the irony.

The creator of Match.com got cheated on.

She left him for a man she met on Match.com.

– GreyFoxNinjaFan

So the next time you use a dating app, remember, it’s a business. And when dealing with a business, you gotta look out for yourself.

Do you have a crazy dating app story?

Tell us in the comments.

The post People Who Work For Dating Apps Talk About the Tricks of the Trade appeared first on UberFacts.

Glorious Memes That Are Just for You!

Glorious memes! We’re eager to try them!

Step right up and try some yourselves!

Here are fifteen wonderful memes for you! For me! For ALL!

15. By the book

When you can’t quite make it to the litter box in time.

14. Stalling for time

And this, folks, is why I cannot for the life of me get into role playing games.

13. Super powers

That cat is over 9000!

12. Mr. Snowflake

He’s going to kill you and everything that you love.

11. The final countdown

Hey dude, say it, don’t spray it.

10. That special crunch

You may call it “carbonation,” but I call you “a liar.”

9. Choking hazard

How do any of us survive past infancy, honestly?

8. Weeeeeet

This is the kind of weird that I’m in the market for.

7. Super duper!

Now this is a twist ending I could get behind.

6. Stealth mode activated

I had no idea these things had a name and now I’d like to unknow it.

5. Bend it

Have the animators ever actually been outside?

4. That bites

Maaaaan, maaaaan
Does whatever a maaan can
Goes to work, wears his ties
Jumps off things, then he dies
Oh no!
You are not Spider Man

3. Run

Like I said, it’s almost as though they’re determined not to make it.

2. Cross the streams

I feel so funky.

1. Word play

I see what you did there and I hate it.

Thanks for stopping by to celebrate these memes with us!

Be sure to stop back in soon for more!

What’s your favorite kind of meme?

Tell us in the comments.

The post Glorious Memes That Are Just for You! appeared first on UberFacts.

Random Posts That Are Gonna Make You Laugh

Every day, people are just posting stuff to the internet. It used to be difficult. You used to have some crazy huge and expensive contraption that nobody else in your family even knew how to use, taking advantage of landlines to dial into message boards occupied by exactly four nerds.

But now? Anybody can just put whatever, whenever.

And we’re all better off for it. I think. Cause we get funny stuff like this!

Let’s go, kids!

10. Totally extreme

The fact that I’m alive is a miracle.

9. Talk the talk

Train them up in the way they should go.

8. Eat in peace

Well, we all sure found out the joys of this in 2020, didn’t we?

7. A big difference

God, looking back, it’s true. It’s all true.

6. That pinches

You’re gonna murder this crab in front of me now, aren’t you?

5. Your move

The Bishop strikes again!

4. Sharing is Karen

Who does she speak too when she’s upset? A mirror?

3. Silent night, holy crap

The bottom right looks elegant, everything else is just silly.

2. Spice up your life

That’s it, we’re done here, shut the whole internet down.

https://officialnapkin.tumblr.com/post/104613423949/seasons-greetings

1. Sonic booms

Those of you who are old enough to remember are scarred enough to never forget.

https://keep-that-frown-upside-down.tumblr.com/post/60327977482/coming-soon-speakers-blow-out-to-own-on-dvd

So get out there and post away, my fellow internet friends and fiends! You never know if an amusing thing you have to say might just make someone else’s day.

Where’s your favorite place to post? What platform? What board?

Tell us in the comments!

Thanks, fam!

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A Hilarious Alexa Mishap Ruined a Book Club When It Played a Very Inappropriate Song

Many of us grew up watching things like Star Trek: The Next Generation, which portrayed a far off future world where people simply spoke to a computer and in return it answered questions in a human voice, or carried out commands.

Just a couple decades later and a lot of that tech is not only here, but actually affordable for many consumers. I really can set up a system in my home in which I can play any music or set the ambiance of the light around me, change the temperature of the room, activate security systems, communicate with anyone anywhere, and even query knowledge on any subject instantly with just my voice.

That is, when it’s all working right. The rest of the time, it’s less sci-fi utopia, and more chaotic hilarity.

Take this story via Tumblr for example…

Chapter 1: The Soundtrack

Chapter 2: Until The Screaming Began

Chapter 3: A Long List of Alphanumeric Gibberish

Chapter 4: “That Digital Clock”

Chapter 5: Lurking Silently

Chapter 6: ALEXA!

Chapter 7: Aa Greek Chorus of a Distraught Book Club

Chapter 8: A Sort of T-Pose

Chapter 9: Genuinely Incredible

Chapter 10: Comedic Misadventures

I think that probably one day, in the not-too-distant future, all of this smart home tech will have advanced to the point that it’s a lot more intuitive and better at understanding general human intent rather than relying on specific commands.

Until that day comes, we have WAP disasters. And it’s glorious.

Have you had a smart home mishap?

Tell us in the comments.

The post A Hilarious Alexa Mishap Ruined a Book Club When It Played a Very Inappropriate Song appeared first on UberFacts.

Enjoy These Times When Dogs Just Us With Their Greatness

Let’s talk about dogs for a moment. Are they good bois? They are. Are they good girls? Indeed. Are they, in fact, the bestest ever, with paws and cutesie snoots for booping? It is decidedly so.

On the topic of how they got so good, is such a thing knowable? And what of their other characteristics and the origins thereof? Why are they so small? Or big? Or fluffers? And why won’t they tell us?

While pondering these questions, let us look to the doggos of Twitter.

11. Let us play

We are gathered here today to celebrate doggos.

10. Wrinkles in time

This kid is on a roll.

9. Morning glory

You must feeds. Am starve. Have not eaten for a whole four hours.

8. The driver

When DMV stands for Dogs Moving Vans.

7. The best care around

I would put my life in Shiloh’s hands.

6. Rules are rules

These puppies are better at following medical safety protocols than humans.

5. He’s been licked

All he wants to do is help and you won’t help him do that.

4. Pure excitement

“This is the best show I’ve ever seen in my life” – dogs, probably

3. Mask up

He got it over the nose! You’re doin’ it right!

2. Live and learn

“Explain your smolness.”

1. Long conversations

He’s all ears.

A team of researchers has been working round the clock to answer the ever-looming question of “who’s the bestest dog in the world” and they have concluded that it is, in fact, your dog.

Tell us all about your dog, won’t you?

In the comments. For science.

The post Enjoy These Times When Dogs Just Us With Their Greatness appeared first on UberFacts.

People Shared the Popular Sayings They Do Not Think Are True

I’ve never liked the phrase “everything happens for a reason.”

I mean, I guess it’s true in the sense that effect follows cause, but the other day I left a burrito in the microwave too long and it exploded so hard I had to clean the thing out for an hour and I missed a call from my girlfriend who then thought I was ignoring her and I had to explain that no, my burrito exploded.

I’m just saying that I don’t think that was a part of any sort of elegant cosmic plan.

And I’m not the only person who has a bone to pick about these things:

What popular saying is actually bullshit? from AskReddit

What’s on the list of our linguistic pet peeves? Let’s find out.

1. Instigators

“It doesn’t matter who started it.”

Of course it f*cking does.

Even legally the concept of who did what first is recognised as vital.

– ActualTymell

2. Looks

“Looks don’t matter.”

They do. Not always, not completely, but they very much do matter.

Humans are kind of superficial in that regard.

– InAndOut51

3. Karma

‘What goes around, comes around.’

I’ve seen so many good, honest people get screwed over by toxic, immoral people who never get their comeuppance.

The concept of karma is bullsh*t.

– mogmuv

4. Practice

“Practice makes perfect!”

I had a teacher that used to point out that no, practice makes permanent.

If you practice something in an incorrect way, you’re going to perform incorrectly.

– JudahBotwin

5. Spelling

I before e except after c.

– WalkingOnPavement

6. Sleep

“Sleep is for the weak” or “I’ll sleep when I die”

Well actually, not sleeping is making you weaker and decreasing your lifespan as you gloat about it right now.

Sleep is essential people.

– byawaworht

7. Grief

Time heals all wounds.

Malarkey.

– augenwiehimmel

8. Pain

Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me

– Bish182

9. Bad influences

Using the phrase, “it’s just a few bad apples,” to protect an institution when the full proverb says, ” a few bad apples spoils the bunch.”

– Ohmmy_G

10. Learning

“You can’t teach an old dog new tricks”

You can, just the owner is a stubborn old bag.

– Darkenie

11. Hurt

This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you.

LIES!!

– FierceMilkshake

12. Health

An apple a day keeps the doctor away

– josephgulag

13. Money

“Money can’t buy happiness.”

Poverty can’t buy anything.

– TwistyMaKneepahls

14. Knowledge

What you don’t know can’t hurt you.

While yes it’s technically true it’s also not a positive thing.

Theoretically if someone’s partner was cheating on them yes they don’t know so they can’t be hurt but it’s still a bad thing

– DaRkxDaSHeR

15. Pots

“A watched pot never boils.”

It does, I’ve checked.

– JellyRollGeorge

“Money can’t buy happiness” is an especially sticky one. Money actually CAN make you happier – right up to the point where the lack of it is no longer a cause of stress.

Past that, no, it’s not gonna have any long term positive effect on you mentally. You’re just a hoarder.

What saying do you hate?

Tell us in the comments.

The post People Shared the Popular Sayings They Do Not Think Are True appeared first on UberFacts.