Month: October 2020

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Hilariously Honest Reviews of Famous Books That Hit the Nail on the Head

Just because books are “must-reads,” considered classics or some other distinction that I haven’t yet thought of… doesn’t mean they should be a) taught in schools b) are any good or c) easy reads. It’s as likely, to be honest, that they’ll end up being a slog, not fun, boring AF and generally not worth your time.

Yeah, I said it. Classics are boring AS F**K. Books can be considered classics for all kinds of reasons, and as far as I can tell, “readability” typically isn’t one of them.

These 12 people, at least, seem to agree.

12. Chekov: The Complete Short Novels

Sure, dunk on a dead guy.

Goodreader annihilates Chekhov from BadReads

11. Wuthering Heights

There are lots of dead angry people.

People die when they are angry from BadReads

10. The Trial

It’s hard to argue with that.

I feel like this is an allegory for something from BadReads

9. Of Mice and Men

We’ve got this depression things, down.

I’ll just think, not read. from BadReads

8. Poetics

I mean. Yeah. But still.

Aristotle is pretentious from BadReads

7. Sex at Dawn

A question for the ages, really.

IT’S OKAY TO BE A VIRGIN from BadReads

6. Adolphe

This is all true. Don’t @ me.

Men are whiny babies from BadReads

5. All the Pretty Horses

When you find a sentence that just does you in.

All the Pretty Horses: Goodreaders have a lot of beef with McCarthy’s punctuation from BadReads

4. Ulysses

Gone by an act of God.

Ulysses: gone the way of Matcham’s Masterstroke from BadReads

3. The Tempest

And this is the best Shakespeare.

The Tempest: If your English teacher assigns you this KILL. THEM! from BadReads

2. 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea

That’s one theory, I suppose.

scientific hypothesises from BadReads

1. The Island of Dr. Moreau

Quick and succinct.

"More like Dr. BORE-O" from BadReads

It’s kind of hard to argue with these, don’t you think? And if you want to argue, please do on that on Facebook. We don’t need that here.

Alright… give us your own honest review of a famous book in the comments – we want to hear it!

The post Hilariously Honest Reviews of Famous Books That Hit the Nail on the Head appeared first on UberFacts.

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People Talk About What “Good Guys” From History Were Actually Bad

History is written by the winners.

And, depending on where you grew up, you learn from a young age who are the “good guys” in history and who are the “bad guys.”

But sometimes those stories and legends don’t really jive with reality.

Here’s what folks on AskReddit had to say about historical figures who are not nearly as squeaky-clean as their reputations would have you believe.

1. Wow.

“Alexander Graham Bell pushed for the eugenics of deaf and hard of hearing people and was a major obstacle to fund schools for the deaf, which thankfully did persist despite this guy.”

2. Mr. Ford.

“Henry Ford was so anti-Semitic that Hitler considered him a hero.”

3. Cromwell.

“There’s a statue of Oliver Cromwell in London.

Loads of movies about him and how he was a brave revolutionary.

Nah. He was an evil sociopath who committed genocide on Irish Catholics and turned the UK into a Puritan dictatorship.”

4. Haven’t heard this before.

“Bob Marley.

And there’s a very good story to back this up that also explains how he grew to be no.1 reggae singer of Jamaica.

He had a posse of friends that would intimidate radio networks of Jamaica into playing his music, as well as destroying the alpha discs of other newer artists (idk wtf they’re called but the copy the radio networks were given in order to play on the air.)

He might have been trying to promote feel-good music and peace and all that but he was a thug when it came to getting that music out.”

5. AA.

“Bill Wilson, the founder of Alcoholics Anonymous.

The guy did great things, and created a program of recovery that has saved millions of lives since it’s inception 85 years ago.

He was also an arrogant *sshole that cheated on his wife even in sobriety.”

6. Imagine that.

“In some aspects to the 60’s and 70’s when the Beatles were icons, (I’m talking about John Lennon) people who use his image and face for “peace” sometimes forget important details.

  • He abused women
  • He was a cheater
  • He abused his children (made one go completely deaf in one ear)
  • Total hypocrite on the “no possessions” when he lived one of the most lavish lifestyles of his time
  • Compulsive liar
  • Had a *exual appetite for his own mother
  • Almost killed a few people (look up Bob Wooler, he was almost punched to death by John. There were others but their stories have either been disputed or unclaimed.)

So whenever I see a bunch of people sing imagine I just shake my head in shame cause so many people don’t even know how bad he was but act like he was a saint.”

7. Not great.

“Sir John A MacDonald.

First prime minister of Canada.

Did a lot for the country in its infancy but treated indigenous people like garbage.”

8. A royal family.

“Joseph P. Kennedy, dad of John, Bobby, and Teddy, had one of his daughters lobotomized.

She was likely autistic but was considered an “embarrassment to the family”.”

9. Napoleon.

“Napoleon.

I’m French and I don’t get why people like him so freaking much here. He re established slavery and tried to conquer a huge part of Europe, leaving literal bloodbaths behind him.

Gosh, even the painting of his coronation reeks of narcissism, he’s putting the crown on his own head for f*ck sake.”

10. An American legend.

“Teddy Roosevelt.

Interesting quote of his, “I don’t go so far as to think that the only good Indians are the dead Indians, but I believe nine out of every 10 are””

11. The King.

“Elvis Presley.

He never wrote a song in his life, but his record label made any song writers hand over half of their writing fees, before Elvis would record their songs. He’s credited as a co-writer on the majority of his songs.

That’s why Dolly Parton refused to let him record I Will Always Love You.

She wouldn’t sign away any of the songwriting credit or future profits from her work. She’s a savvy business woman.”

12. Edison.

“Thomas Edison.

Biggest monopolist ever and took credit for other people’s work. He didn’t invent the lightbulb but bought the rights and advanced it. He monopolized the film-projector + most films at the time and it took a very long lawsuit to get that fixed.

He took many creations from his employees and put his name on it. This wasn’t illegal because of the contracts employees signed at the time but it’s not exactly a sign of good will.

I don’t hate the guy but his character is often completely exaggerated.”

13. A real showman.

“Not necessarily a “good guy”, but got lots of positive attention from the release of The Greatest Showman.

Apparently PT Barnum was a terrible person in real life.”

14. A great director, but…

“Hitchcock was SO f*cked up.

He was famous for pulling “pranks” like chaining a dude up over a long night and giving him a bottle of whiskey laced with serious laxatives, so he sh*t himself, painfully, in chains, for twelve hours or so.

He made the actress from Psycho, Janet Leigh, stand in the shower for almost a week; she only takes baths now. The degree to which he abused Tippi Hedrin during that scene from The Birds is… wow.

He literally threw birds at her for five days, eight hours a day, so that they were pissed off and actually attacked her, even after her doctor told him she couldn’t take any more. She still has scars. Not to mention the s*xual assaults and the threats to “ruin her career” if she didn’t comply.

He sent her daughter, Melanie Griffith, a really lifelike doll of her mother, dead in a coffin. She was eight.

Dude was f*cked. Behind the B*stards does a great couple episodes about him, those are just the ones I remember off the top of my head from 2+ hours of it.”

Okay, history buffs, now it’s your turn.

In the comments, tell us who you think is regarded as a “good guy” in history but was actually pretty terrible.

We can’t wait to hear from you!

The post People Talk About What “Good Guys” From History Were Actually Bad appeared first on UberFacts.

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People Share the Most Embarrassing Things That Someone Could Find on Their Computers

We are NOT talking about adult materials in this article, so if that’s what you came for, sorry to disappoint you.

But we are gonna hear from a lot of folks who have some stuff on their machines that might make you cringe or even feel a little bit sorry for them.

What is the most embarrassing item someone could find on your computer?

Here’s what folks on AskReddit had to say.

1. Micromanaging.

“A game of The Sims in which I made all of my friends and micromanaged their lives like a little puppet show.

I know I’m not the only one, but still… having to explain why I have very purposefully made certain people hook up would not reflect well on me, I suspect, especially given that their longtime partner didn’t make the ‘Let’s include you in the game’ cut.”

2. This could be interesting.

“My Penguins of Madagascar fan fiction.”

3. You’re not alone.

“All the stupid crap I bought from Amazon over the last six months.”

4. May I ask why?

“I have a folder of reaction images that are just Ben Affleck looking sad.”

5. Oh, boy…

“A one-minute file of me singing “Unchained Melody” on our family desktop from when I was 8.”

6. My songs.

“There are three songs I wrote as a teenager.

At the time, I thought they were awesome. I recently listened to them again. Uh, not so much.

It turns out that lofi generic techno with pre-made loops and random sounds scattered throughout isn’t very good.”

7. Nothing wrong with that.

“I write stories on and off and have tons of character sheets saved in my notes.

I know it’s really tame but I’m super self conscious of my writing.”

8. That’s…different.

“My Word doc containing detailed information concerning every gas purchase I’ve made since the Clinton Administration.”

9. Good ol’ Reddit.

“My Reddit account has to be up there.

Too much karma to be able to wave that off as a normal relationship with the site. Way too much karma.

It’s linked to my pen name, which is linked to my romance novels. They’re not porn — the smutty-smut is separate — but I still don’t want my mother reading them.

Does anyone want their Reddit account to be public knowledge?”

10. The gift that keeps on giving.

“My YouTube history showing how many times I’ve fallen for a Rick Roll.”

11. Motivational.

“I write myself a bunch of positive messages and motivational snippets all over my sticky notes so when I open my laptop in the morning, they are the first thing I see.

The one in the upper left corner is what my brother said when I fell over rollerskating as a kid – it hurts now, but it won’t hurt forever. Another note is from one of my first patients, who said I was the first doctor who stopped and really listened to her.

Some are just nice messages from myself to remind me that I can only try my best on tough days, and I’m more than a rejected paper or unanswered text.”

12. You have a spreadsheet?

“My spreadsheet showing my s*x life for the past 26 years.

But first they’d have to break my 17 digit password to unlock the file.”

13. Let’s see it!

“A video of me that I filmed when I was 12 years old.

I was wearing a skirt and dancing to I’m a Barbie girl. I’m a 28 years old man.”

14. Nerd alert!

“The long list of D&D memes and my spending history for them that consists of 80% dice that I won’t need and 15%books and 5% character sheets.”

Okay, now it’s your turn.

In the comments, tell us about what embarrassing things we’d find on your computer.

Spill your guts to us!

The post People Share the Most Embarrassing Things That Someone Could Find on Their Computers appeared first on UberFacts.

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Here’s What Other Countries Think About the American Accent

I can attest to the fact that many of us go wild for accents from other countries. We think they’re adorable, sexy, cute, or some combination of all three.

What, though, do other countries think of American accents? Do we have accents?

Keep reading to find out!

17. Round and squishy. Just like Americans!

I really enjoy American accent.

Hearing it all the time it’s “normal”, but every once in a while when I hear it in person it just sounds nice to me.

Like round and squishy.

I am from Croatia for those wondering. I love the fact how native speakers liked my description.

16. This is straight-up hilarious.

When I (‘Mercan) was hanging out in Blackpool England, a cabbie heard me talk and yelled “foook me, ya sound jus like Brat Pitt!!”

Until then, I figured my Midwestern accent sounded bland and ordinary.

15. I like this explanation.

The American accents are varied, from educated articulate person, to tin can chewing badger tripping on LSD.

14. That’s…sweet.

I traveled a bit in West Africa and most people thought my Ohio accent sounded really nasally.

I had a kid walk up to me and mock my accent by plugging her nose and speaking gibberish.

13. How dare you lump Boston and NY together?!

I’m British I like some of them but really dislike some others. The Hollywood accent I’m kind of used to as we get a lot of American TV shows and movies. I really love southern accents, I think they sound awesome.

The ones I really don’t like are New York and Boston accents. They sound overly aggressive and very jarring.

12. Can’t hide it.

It sounds natural to me since Scotland has american tv shows along with the rest of the uk.

If I ever hear an american accent in real life though it sticks out like a sore thumb

11. This is kind of adorable.

All British kids have an American accent for playing at star wars or war.

It really is part of all our childhoods

10. It’s that simple.

An American Accent is like a wild animal: if you see it in an exhibit, you feel safe, but if you encounter it in the wild, you feel very uncomfortable

9. I mean…

I’m salvadorian but speak in an american accent.

But I gotta say, before i spoke english, I thought an american accent was just adding the words “o my gosh” to everything you say.

8. That’s us alright.

It’s not even the accent. Just the sheer loudness. I’M AMERICAN AND IM HEEERE!!!!

7. Those were some bold strangers.

Traveling outside the US and even out of the South, I have gotten compliments on my accent. My brother has gotten weird looks and even insults. We grew up together, but with different friends and interests, so we have different Southern accents.

Some people on a train in Europe had a discussion about our accents because they were surprised we were from the same family. They said they liked mine because it was a softer accent and better articulated, whereas my brother’s accent was what they called “country”.

6. Love it or hate it.

I usually associate the American accent with Hollywood and celebrities.

It sounds normal when I hear it in films but when I hear it in real life it’s kinda odd.

I also really like the southern accent.

5. That’s a great description.

My in-laws were both born and raised in North Carolina.

Highly educated.

Both speak like they have a mouthful of marbles.

4. That’s kind of nice, right?

England here. As others have said, we’re kind of normalised to it thanks to TV, movies, etc. But it always sounds a little strange in real life. Now and then you hear an American in England and (not to be rude) they almost always seem to be the loudest voice in the room. Not like they’re shouting or being obnoxious or anything, their voices just seem louder. One time I was sitting in a hotel lobby in Wales and this American guy walked in. The sheer bass of his voice was astounding.

Honestly though (and this is a bit off-topic), more shocking than the accent is just the manner of speech and general behaviour. I never get this impression from the way people talk online, but it seems like in North America (I’ve been to Florida and to Canada) people are always super nice to each other, especially to bus drivers, cashiers, etc. They always have such complete and wholesome goodbyes. “Thank you very much! You have a great day, God bless”, etc. By comparison it feels like we over here are all just depressed and want minimal human contact. “thx”

3. Short answer? No.

Yes, I have an Israeli co-worker who can’t understand why people ask, “How are you?” as they walk away.

“Don’t they want to know?”

It’s a fair question.

2. Same, honestly.

Central Europe.

I mostly learned English from American TV Shows, so generic american accent sounds good to me, sometimes more pleasing and can understand more then UK (Londonish) accent.

I don’t find southern accent very pleasing and also the “valley los angeles” accent is horrible to me.

1. Now I want to look up videos.

I absolutely adore the New York accent. Specifically the Jewish subtype. I find it interesting how Jewish people are able to preserve their mannerisms no matter the environment.

For example, the Odessa accent is to Russian (Odessa is a port city in the south of Ukraine, great percentage of population is/ was jewish) what the NY Jewish accent is to English.

I have to say, this is pretty much what I expected.

If you’re not American, now’s your chance to tell us what you think!

The post Here’s What Other Countries Think About the American Accent appeared first on UberFacts.

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People Who Wish They’d Listened and Never Met Their Hero

Meeting a “hero,” whether that person is a huge celebrity or just awesome in your eyes for some reason, is a little like playing roulette, and listen – even if you win, it might not have been worth the risk.

They say if you really look up to and admire someone you should never meet them, and based on these 14 stories, I gotta say this sounds like pretty great advice.

14. Have seen this, can confirm.

Went to a Comic Con and the dude who played Spike from Buffy The Vampire Slayer got absolutely slated by everyone there, including guest celebs.

Why?

He was charging his fans £20 for what was meant to be a free talk. He was the only guest there who did this and then charged £50 for autographs.

Douche.

13. What a complete douchebag.

I was a huge fan of Ryan Cabrera through college. His voice is mediocre at best, and his melodies are simple but catchy. Despite this, I really identified with his lyrics when going through a really bad breakup that spun me off into destructive behavior during the second half of college. Always came back to his music and it eventually got me out.

Fast forward to 2016, and Ryan’s out on tour, I was able to see him perform live for the first time in my life and got the opportunity to meet him after the show. I had rehearsed what I was going to say about how his music kept me going through my darkest times…and he completely brushed me off to hit on my friends.

Haven’t listened to his music since.

12. Not Bill Nye!

Apparently he’s an a**hole that stiffs delivery drivers.

It was in another similar thread.

11. I’d be salty, too.

When I was still in high school my best friend, his older sister and I “met” Adrian Peterson, future Hall of Fame running back for the Minnesota Vikings. And it SUCKED. We all happened to be walking into a mall in the suburbs of Minneapolis at the same time, and he was walking right in front of us.

My buddy and I got all excited, and I made eye contact with him so I knew that he knew we recognized him, but before we could say “Hey Mr. Peterson, big fans,” he held the door open for my friend’s sister, checked out her a$$ and whistled at her, then closed the door right in my friend and I’s faces. Didn’t even want to say anything to him after that. This was 6-7 years ago now and I’m still salty about it.

10. A nice little story.

Back in the mid 90s my old man found a huge 2 metre python in our backyard. He called Australia Zoo and spoke to Steve Irwin on the phone (this was before he really became famous) about how to get rid of it because I was only a toddler at the time and could swallow me whole.

Apparently Steve was super excited even though it was through a phone call and went on about how the python was king of its domain and we shouldn’t disturb it. He talked my Dad into letting it be but about a week later the neighbors came home to find the python on their deck, so they ended up getting it relocated anyway.

Not sure how relevant that is but yeah that’s my Steve Irwin story.

9. If you want your tip, keep your mouth shut.

This was back in the 90s my mom was a waitress at a restaurant and the town we lived in was a frequent sight for filming movies and TV shows, and one day, my mom waited on a table and realized it was Anthony Hopkins with his agent sitting at table ordering breakfast.

After she took their drink order (silence of the lambs was still new). So in the kitchen all of her co-workers were squealing like little girls and dared my mother when taking their breakfast order if he wanted a side of fava beans and a nice chianti. But she chickened out worrying she’d bother him.

She must have done the right thing because he left a 40% tip and wrote on the check excellent food and service.

While he was in town, he ate breakfast there almost everyday, and everyone was just too chicken to be a fan girl about him lol.

8. This makes me sad.

Buzz Aldrin

He was attending a senior design presentation at my school and was basically the guest of honor and got his own little speech. I was really hype because I love space and everything surrounding it. He’s a nice guy but the sad truth is that he’s closer now to just being a senile old man.

A couple times he just kinda stopped talking and forgot where he was. One of the people he brought basically had the job of keeping him on track and had to cut him off a few times because he kept rambling off topic. Really sad to see such an impressive man reduced to that

7. I don’t understand this attitude.

I met Billy Corgan once when he had his side band Zwan.

He was a complete jerk to everyone and acted like he didn’t want to be there (HIS show.)

It forever changed my perception of him.

6. Looks like it’s confirmed.

My wife went to a Pumpkins reunion show years ago.

She said the show was solid but Corgan made the whole crowd roll their eyes when he actually thanked himself at the end of the show.

What a 24-carat wanker.

5. That’s an awkward moment.

I’m not sure how many of you guys are Australians but I met Ben Cousins a couple of years ago while out in Northbridge and the dude was meth-d out of his mind.

Felt so bad to see the bloke in that state, especially with all the hope we all had as his career was finishing up.

4. This is a terrible story. Ugh!

When I was in 2nd grade, I thought Bob Feller (pitcher from the Indians back in the day) was the greatest thing ever. I read about him constantly. When Cleveland opened it’s new Jacob’s Field stadium, he was there signing autographs all day. I went to the exhibition game with my dad.

Around 10pm we were walking to our car in the lot, and my dad notices Bob Feller is like ten feet away walking with some guy. He’s like – Do you want to ask him for an autograph? So I go over there, this tiny little white haired blonde girl, and I was like “Excuse me Mr. Feller, can I have your autograph?”

He turns to me and is like “God damnit, no. I’ve been signing autographs all day, I’m not signing another one, jesus christ.”

I didn’t know what to do so I just kinda froze and walked back to my dad and teared up. My dad was so sad because he knew he was my hero, so he took the paper from me and was like “Mr. Feller would you reconsider? She’s 8, she reads about you every night, you’re her hero.” He was like “Give me the god damn paper!” Signed his name real quick, and my dad thanked him so much and walked back to me to give it to me. He was like “Here honey!”

Loud enough for Feller to hear (which was an accident lol), I was like “i dont want it anymore.”

After telling that story here and there I found out apparently he is a huge dick and has a reputation for being constantly nasty. Oh well.

3. This comment about Chris Pratt hasn’t aged well.

Every celebrity with a social media account except for Chris Pratt and Tom Hanks.

2. A memory that will last a lifetime.

Wasn’t really my hero, but I met Billy Mays awhile back when he was visiting a local Giant Eagle grocery store for some reason or another. I think they had the money for him to come in and plug some product in-store.

Anyway, my mom worked at this particular Giant Eagle and she met him before I came into work. She had him sign an autograph for me before begging him to do her a favor.

That favor was charging in my direction down an aisle shouting “CLEAN YOUR ROOM, MANGIYKO”. Funny and a great memory thinking back on it, but I nearly shat my pants at the time.

1. There are good people, too!

My dad met a relation of Steven Fry’s (Qi) who at the time was/is my absolute hero for his narrations of the Harry Potter audio books. I am dyslexic and couldn’t read them myself so I used to just listen to him read them over and over again.

Anyway my dad got chatting with this relation and the topic turned to family and to Stephen and then how much he meant to me.

About a month later I received the Order of the Phoenix cd box set signed to me by Stephen. I still cherish it. Sure it’s not me meeting my hero but him taking the time to do that shows all about how great a man he is.

Most of the celebs I’ve met have been mildly disappointing or just kind of meh, except for Joshua Jackson who was obviously amazing.

If you’ve got a story like this, please share it – good or bad – in the comments!

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Sandwich Shop Employees Share the Weirdest Thing a Customer Ever Ordered

I’ve never had the pleasure of working in a sandwich shop, but I have waited tables, and let me tell you – just when you think people can no longer surprise you, they definitely will.

There is no shortage of weirdness when you work in a customer-facing role, but even so, these 15 sub-shop orders are pretty out there.

15. I’ve been pregnant and this seems extra.

Don’t work there any more, but the one order that sticks in my mind above everything else was one time a guy came in on the phone to order two sandwiches and he explained one was for his 7 months pregnant wife so to please make it right, he has a list of exactly what she wants. So I made it exactly how it was written down, then made his and he paid and all was good in the world.

Then maybe ten minutes later the phone rings and I answer it and there is this woman on the phone just screaming at me telling me I made her sandwich wrong and how she wanted ranch instead of mayo and blah blah and that she would send her husband in to get it remade, ya know full Karen minus the “let me speak to the manager” bit. So the guy comes back in and I immediately recognize him and he’s apologizing profusely explaining that his wife is pregnant and hormones and whatnot, and I assured him I’ve been yelled at for less it’s no big deal I’ll remake it at no charge, he has the offending sandwich, I remake it right and throw the old one away, and as I’m ringing up the order(even though it was free it still had to be rung up at $0 for bread count accuracy) the phone rings.

So I hand the man his sandwich and answer the phone and there is this woman on the phone hysterically crying on the other end and so I ask if she’s alright and she informs me that she called earlier and she felt horrible about yelling at me because she realized she wrote it down wrong and it wasn’t my fault and the whole time I’m just awkwardly telling her that it’s okay, no big deal we got it taken care of, you’re okay don’t worry about it, It’s no big deal. And then she, still sobbing, asks me straight up “do you forgive me?” And I said “it’s all good no worries” and she said “No. Do you forgive me?” And I said “yeah dont worry about it” and she asked again “but do you forgive me?” And I replied “yes, I forgive you. Have a great night ma’am.” After which she hung up.

I still remember that even seven years later because it was the only time I’ve ever had a customer call back not only to apologize, but crying about it as well. Ironically for the question I don’t actually remember what the specific sandwich was, I wanna say it was an oven roasted chicken breast but I truly am just taking a shot in the dark.

14. What on EARTH.

I worked in a pizza place and at one point we had a man walk in and order a personal cheese pizza. Then he specified that he wanted no sauce. Then added that he wanted no cheese. Then decided he’d like to add uncooked cherry tomatoes as a topping.

We ended up cooking a slab of dough and throwing some cherry tomatoes on top. He then proceeded to use the pizza crust as a plate for his tomatoes, then threw the crust away after finishing his tomatoes. We had a salad bar with the exact same tomatoes as well.

13. The customer is always right.

We had frozen egg disks that we were supposed to heat in the oven. I say egg, but really it was more of a frozen circle of egg whites with a yellow piece in the middle (that may or may not be missing depending on luck of the draw).

This one guy would come in every shift I had and order just the egg circle, but didn’t want us to heat it up. We handed him hard, frozen, disgusting looking, disks that sounded like rocks when banged against the counter, covered in ice flakes.

He barely spoke English, so the first time he showed up we were very confused to say the least. But once we understood he was very happy with his egg hockey pucks.

12. I wonder if they were all for him?

Back in High School, I worked at the local subway.

Every night, 30 minutes to an hour before close, this large African American man built like an NFL linebacker would come in, and no matter how many or what kinds, would clean out whatever was left of our cookies for the night.

Two Oatmeal Raisins? A dozen Chocolate Chip? A smattering of everything? Didn’t matter, he’d purchase every single cookie left and leave.

We nicknamed him Cookie Monster.

11. This is my people.

“What can I get for you?”

“I’ll get a 6-inch Honey Wheat, just condiments.”

“Just condiments?”

“just condiments. All of them, if you don’t mind.”

That day ruled.

10. Sauce is life.

My town had a lot of foreign exchange students from South Korea and they would always order the meatball subs with scoops of “seafood sensation” which was just mayo and imitation crab. Then have it toasted, it smelled horrible.

Also had a guy that could barely talk he was so high wanted every sauce on his chicken bacon ranch, it was more soup by the end. Then he gets to the register and he remembers he doesn’t have any money and walks away. My manager actually asked anyone if they wanted it.

9. An adult eating a cheese sandwich. Okaaayyy.

I worked at Subway many years ago. There was a couple that would come in semi-regularly and she wanted just a double helping of American cheese on white bread. No veggies, no condiments. Just cheese. I never charged her for the extra cheese since I figured the veggies she wasn’t getting offset it.

Eventually she started asking for more and more cheese until it was easily 10x what came on it. She must have been bummed when I quit. That cheese sandwich probably would have cost about $10 if someone who gave a shit rang it up.

8. Imagine living like that.

Worked the night shift for Subway during college. Had a regular come in at 3am usually that would request that we toast the shit out of his sandwich. I’m talking the whole thing was basically charcoal.

First time he came in while i was on shift, I pulled his sandwich out of the toaster and he told me to put it back in…and again… and again. I thought he was a drunk guy fucking with me.

Apparently he really liked the taste of burnt everything. Grossed me out, but as long as he paid I didn’t really care.

7. How, though.

I worked at a subway a long time ago and a guy would order two full bags of lettuce on his sandwich every day.

Imagine 2 pounds of lettuce on some bread.

He would order often enough that I knew to go in the back and grab two full bags just for him.

6. Did my 3yo escape?

This one guy used to come into my sub shop at least twice a week.

Always ordered a steak and cheese with extra, extra ketchup. Except you couldn’t put enough ketchup on it.

We could use over half a bottle and he would still come back and ask for the bottle because “packets took too much time.”

5. You can never have too much lettuce I guess.

My wife worked in the student center when we were in college. I was hanging out with her once while she was closing up an event, and the school catering was there cleaning up their leftover food. I think they had had a build-your-own taco line set up, so there was this giant bowl of shredded lettuce.

A girl came up to the catering staff and was like “oh are you guys just throwing that lettuce away?” They said they were. She said “I’m a vegan so I eat a ton of lettuce, can I have it?” They we’re confused but said sure. So she went over and got a plastic bag from the chick-fil-a and dumped that whole bowl of lettuce in there and went on her merry way.

4. Mayo people.

I worked at a Burger King my junior year of high school (Not a sandwich shop, but play along). I was on specialty board (chicken and fish mainly). This order came through for an original chicken with “HHHH mayo”. “H” in the training stood for heavy or extra.

I asked my manager if it was a typo and they said no this guy comes in once a week for that sandwich. I swear, by the time my manager said the sandwich was “proper”, the mayo was thicker than the chicken patty itself. I felt like I needed to bathe afterwards.

3. “I’m actually messed up.”

Was getting breakfast at this place called “The great Canadian Bagel Company”. The girl ahead of us gets a breakfast sandwich with extra mayo and then says: “like a serious amount of mayo, more than you think is comfortable”. The guy does a solid 4 servings and she shakes her head in disgust/shame and is like “No.. I’m actually messed up, I need more mayo”.

Took everything in me not to laugh as it happened.

2. Probably keto.

I used to work at McDonald’s. We had a regular customer who wanted a plain quarter pounder, no bun, extra extra extra extra extra pickles.

Basically, just a 1/4lb beef patty with like a half cup of pickle slices on top of it.

1. Learn something new every day.

Quiznos. Mostly working with teens.

This one kid brings in a bunch of tupperwares at the beginning of his shift. Weird, but I don’t care.

End of his shift (edit 3: not closing time, we had a line-up) and his mom shows up to give him a lift. He starts filling the tupperwares with chili.

Turns out his mom tried it one day and loved it. Whole family tried: they all love it.

They’d made a deal with our boss to buy bulk chili every week.

I would…never eat these abominations. Just. What?

If you’ve got a story to add to this heap, we’d love to hear it in the comments!

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Wholesome ‘Great British Bake Off’ Tweets That’ll Brighten up Your Day

Few things are better than watching a dozen bakers bring their creations to life under a tent in the British countryside.

The Great British Bake Off presents the perfect escape from our devastating reality.

Here are 13 wholesome tweets from the amazing show across the pond that’ll just brighten up your day.

1. Happy Halloween?

That’s one way to get a little spooky for the fall season.

2. That’s better than expected!

This Freddie Mercury didn’t turn out so bad.

3. Really – he looks great

He’s putting Rami Malek to shame.

4. This

When I saw that during the first episode, I screeched. What a way to start your season.

5. The purest thing ever

I mean, come on. Look at this.

6. It’s the only bad thing about show

Everyone is so pleasant and supportive. It’s torture to see them leave.

7. Awkward

Well, now there’s a giant target on her back.

8. Turn and face the strange…

Ch-ch-changes…

9. Great collab!

A rare photo where these two music titans look like they’re actually getting along

10. Just pure insanity

Cakes that look like people, political satire, the near-destruction of one of music’s greatest icons – what more could you want out of a season premiere?

11. This can’t be real

Does this cake look more like Tom DeLonge or Steve Buscemi? Or does Steve Buscemi actually look like Tom Delonge…

12. Hello there

The angel from my nightmare. Yeah, this is pretty nightmarish.

13. Truly shocking

I very much cannot process the shape of his head.

Well, that took an interesting turn. Who knew that the folks behind The Great British Bake Off could be so sadistic? I’d give points for creativity, though.

What are some of your favorite moments from The Great British Bake Off? Share with us in the comments below!

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Times When People Used Logic to Create Some Cold Burns

There are some days when it can seem like there’s no point in employing logic to make an argument on the internet. Even less so, you can’t really expect other people to recognize or even care that your words make sense – they often don’t.

That said, there’s still something satisfying for some of us in seeing logic deployed in such a manner – and these 9 people definitely won the day, even if their opponent will never recognize it.

9. It’s really a case-by-case thing.

Neither of these people seem very happy with their experiences.

Same logic destruction from MurderedByWords

8. Some people were raised to mind their business.

An excellent life lesson, if I do say so myself.

That’s me that replied to the tweet from MurderedByWords

7. So I guess…don’t make this for someone you actually love.

That’s a lot of big feelings about a sandwich.

Don’t mess with a hungry mans sandwich from MurderedByWords

6. Short, sweet, and absolutely true.

Yikes. Why even have kids if you just hate them?

Guilty has punished from MurderedByWords

5. When you roast all of Reddit in one short post.

Major upvotes. Ha!

This guy just roasted all of Reddit. from MurderedByWords

4. Some things don’t translate.

Not exactly, anyway.

Grammar lessons from MurderedByWords

3. First, imagine this with a British accent.

And you knew that joke was coming, right?

Probably got a sad British voice in their head saying "bit sad innit?" from MurderedByWords

2. Bi people get the short end of the stick.

Except for the part where they get to makeout with everyone.

Oh no, the French are invading France from MurderedByWords

1. What on earth is wrong with people?

It’s water.

Polite cleaning lady pretty much fired some privileged cheap jerks who wanted a discount because she dared to refill her bottle of water. (Found it on Twitter @ NatashaWriting). from MurderedByWords

 

Satisfying, right? I love it when logic wins the day… if only for a day. Because, as we all know, there’s no way that logic wins even half the time. Don’t even get me started.

Which one of these made you fist-pump in your chair? Do a happy dance?

Tell us in the comments!

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11 Times Hard Logic Won the Day on the Internet

When it comes to being online, logic doesn’t necessarily figure in when you’re talking about winning or losing arguments.

You can get on Twitter or Facebook or Reddit all day and have THE best arguments… but somebody will just throw some nonsense out there, put an “lol” at the end of it, and call it a day. And you will feel absolutely defeated. Because they just don’t care.

Sometimes, though, it definitely does, and on those days – like these 11 – we all have cause to celebrate.

11. I mean, he’s not wrong.

Where’s the lie?

Fortnite trash from MurderedByWords

10. Yeah you’re not the boss of us!

Don’t do this if you want to have friends.

Snob is put back in their place after gatekeeping language! from clevercomebacks

9. A very wholesome burn.

Not very Terminator like, but nice.

I love Arnold’s wholesome murders from MurderedByWords

8. Go, girl.

You gotta fist-bump her for this one.

I think she’ll be just fine. from MurderedByWords

7. Not as much about their stomachs as their wallets, methinks.

I mean. It’s just a theory.

Millennials are destroying the eating industry from MurderedByWords

6. True story.

The Ancient Romans were big on facts and figures and science, my friend.

Flat Earthers should be canceled from MurderedByWords

5. I mean…fair observation.

I’m just saying.

Fuckin’ war criminals, I tell ya from MurderedByWords

4. You sure can tell more than I thought on the internet.

Like if someone is a flavorless pancake.

Flavourless pancake got spiced up. from MurderedByWords

3. Accurate assessment.

Maybe not down to the letter, but somewhere in there.

Man elegantly destroys helicopter parent from MurderedByWords

2. Schooled on your own religion.

You’d be surprised how often this happens. Or not.

Attempting to shame someone for not “attending sunday school” from quityourbullshit

1. What’s good for the goose is not necessarily good for the gander.

Or something like that.

Just let people enjoy what they want to smh from MurderedByWords

I’d like to feel sorry for these people but I just don’t. I’ve lost all sense of empathy for people online.

If that makes me wrong I don’t want to be right.

Have you ever run into people like this? Let me know in the comments!

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Parenting Tweets You Don’t Want to Miss

If you’re wondering if you’re the only person out there with crazy kids, a life that always feels up in the air, and a job that just won’t quit – in the year on steroids – you’re definitely not.

And if you need proof, let me offer up these 14 parents who are hilariously muddling through it all, just like the rest of us.

14. It’s important to be practical.

I approve of this parenting tactic.

13. Just living the dream here, people.

The things no one tells you, I swear.

12. Given the current state of the world, they’re learning it sooner.

Dammit.

11. This child is going places.

Not sure where yet; have to wait and see.

10. They weren’t bothering you though.

I fail to see the issue.

9. Never rob a house with young kids.

Or older kids parents don’t have money or nice things lol.

8. Hey, you gotta ask for what you want.

Otherwise you won’t get it for sure.

7. A “miracle.” Sure.

Let’s go with that.

6. Otherwise you could be taken straight jail.

I don’t make the rules, guys.

5. You can say you’ve had your workout today.

Now go and get a glass of wine.

4. She handled that about as well as can be expected.

Which is to say, probably laughing herself to death.

3. It’s never really what you expect on any given day.

That keeps it interesting, I suppose.

2. Kid has your number.

That’s what you get for raising him right.

1. But seriously don’t do this.

It’s terrible advice.

I’m definitely feeling more at home in my zany life!

What’s the silliest happening at your house since all of this started? We’d love to hear the story in the comments!

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