20 Funny Tweets Just For Dads

Dads, this article is specifically for all of you.

You need a break from raising those little angels, so take it now and smile from ear to ear.

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20 Tweets That Will Make You Laugh, Or You Have No Soul

If for some reason you don’t laugh at these 20 tweets, I want you to visit your local physician and have him take a look at your funny bone. Because these tweets are FUNNY, with a capital F.

Understood?

1. I really hope that’s not true

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2. Inspiration

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3. Oh f*ck

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4. I agree 100%

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5. Going above and beyond

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6. Watch what you say

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7. Hey-o!

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8. I’ll watch it

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9. We’ve come a long way…sort of

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10. Blockbuster

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11. Talkin’ trash

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12. I can’t wait to read this essay

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13. Uh oh

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14. Nice guys

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15. Hidin’ out

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16. Sounds fascinating

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17. Yeeeeeaaaahhhh

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18. Trade off

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19. Time to break the bad news

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20. Impressive

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You laughed, didn’t you?

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15+ Memes for the Junk Food Lover

Man, do I love me some fast food and junk food every now and then.

Here are 20 memes for all my fellow junk food lovers out there.

1. Losers…

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2. Yep

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3. Same page, cat buddy

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4. Cause it’s awesome?

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5. That’s the luckiest dog I’ve ever seen

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6. I jogged a lot today…

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7. Eh, just do it.

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8. Separate dessert stomach

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9. Really, pizza is just a tomato salad with croutons beneath and cheese on top

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10. Square pizza ≠ good

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11. At least I have fries

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12. Sneaky clever

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13. We’ve all been here

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14. A solid attitude towards life

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15. Pure bliss

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16. They’re amazed, you’re amazing

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17. Smell that salty air

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18. In costume, too

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19. Miracle of miracles!

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20. We all need dat

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I think a trip to the local White Castle is now in order.

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15 People Share the Riskiest Moment of Their Life

I’ve done some pretty stupid stuff in my life and luckily I still have all my limbs and nothing too bad ever happened.

It’s nice to know I’m not alone in making some dumb decisions in my past. AskReddit users open up and share the biggest risks they’ve ever taken.

1. Quicksand

“As a kid me and some friends built a ‘bridge’ out of hay and wood across a dried out bog. I tested it and fell through somewhere in the middle. Thankfully I’d read in a book that if you’re being sucked down by quicksand or something, the best thing to do is relax and spread your weight out evenly. That kept my head and arms above the muck until one of my friends could find a tree branch to haul me out.

Every time someone posts one of those ‘quicksand wasn’t as big an issue as I thought it would be’ memes I’m like… hm.”

2. Probably won’t do that again

“I was ten riding the DC Metro for the first time by myself when I dropped my keys on the track. Two minutes till the next train vs 5 seconds to get my keys from the track so I jumped down.

It’s harder than you think to get back on those platforms.”

3. Never a good idea

“Farting silently during a job interview.”

4. Hero

“I am a rugby player and was a bank teller in 2009. I’ll never forget the date: 09/10/2009.

A group of 5-6 burglars stole $47K from an ATM I was doing some maintenance. When they ran out of the branch, everyone of them but one went to the right; the dipshit who went left was carrying the money bag, and my rugby instincts instinctly kicked in: I ran after him for half a block and tackled him from behind.

The look of despair in his eyes when he saw a crazy teller it’s one of the memories I’ll never forget. We tried to punch each other, with no success. When he realized I wasn’t letting him go away with the cash, he threw the bag in the middle of the avenue and ran away.

The whole action lasted about 60 seconds, I believe. Afterwards, I couldn’t stop thinking “what if?”: what if he had a gun? What if he had someone waiting him in the direction he went?

My mother wanted to kill me, but I got promoted. Good times.”

5. Dead tired

“Near the end of a 68 hour week, I was dead tired and just wanted to go home. I had three tons suspended in the air by a shop crane and I left the remote on the other side of the load. Instead of walking around it, I walked right under it and grabbed the remote. I froze for a moment and contemplated what I just did. Put the load down, clocked off and went to sleep thinking about how much of an idiot I am.”

6. Just like a horror movie

“I hitchhiked across a province, and at nightfall after getting soaked during a downfall (people tend not to pick you up during the rain), I was exhausted and so defeated, and so I accepted a complete stranger’s offer to go to his cabin in the woods for the night.”

7. Stranger danger

“Stayed with a stranger whom I just met after a concert when I had nowhere to stay that night. Wasn’t sexual, he didn’t try anything or insinuate that I owed him anything – just a nice bloke offering the spare bed in his hotel room.”

8. Plastered in the ‘hood

“Went with some friends to a party. We drove there, and unfortunately everyone (including myself) got plastered. The party was in a bad neighborhood in the Bronx and I insisted that we chip in for a cab because driving drunk would be stupid.

I was called a pussy, and idiot, moron, then told if I don’t like it I can walk home. F*ck that I know my life is worth it so I just headed off towards the Grand Concourse (this was back in the 80’s, bad times then).

Walked about 15 blocks avoiding groups of people (especially the ones shouting at me), got tailed for a bit by a group of older guys and made a mad dash for the subway. It was 1 am, the station was empty and it took me 2 hours to get home.

Next day I get a call from one of my friend’s parents, they were upset with me for letting them drive home (they got into a fender bender with a cop car (yea karma)).

I laughed when she told me what happened, then explained that I was the one that was put down and told to walk home if I didn’t like it, they wouldn’t take a cab. She apologized and I made sure that every one of those asshats weren’t part of my life anymore.”

9. Don’t do it

“I drove home with a drunk friend who was taking shots before we left the bar. I was 21 and stupid. On the way home instead of taking the turn we went into a ditch and stopped 2 feet short of a telephone pole. We were fine but it definitely was a wake up call.”

10. Random pills

“Picked up a cap of what I presumed was molly at a party off the floor and popped it.

Good party. Decent high. Can’t believe how stupid I was.”

11. Car surfing

“When I was in high school some guys were “car surfing” in the parking lot and one almost died. The two cars collided, which sent him flying off the roof. His top half went through the windshield while his bottom half was nearly smashed between the cars.

Needless to say, they both got in enormous amounts of trouble.”

12. Still pretty lucky

“Flew off, head first into the curb. Induced coma for about two weeks. When I woke up, I was insane. They hand cuffed me to the bed because I kept trying to run away. Seeing as I was completely paralyzed on one side, that wasn’t safe. Month in the rehab hospital once I was medically out of the woods. Learning to walk, talk again. How to use my fingers.

This was at age 15.

Vision problems for a few months after that. Nothing had the “outline” around it, if that makes any sense. Things just kind of bled into each other.

Couldn’t remember words. Developed a weird tick where I would tap my fingers together when talking, as if trying to grab the word. Still happens sometimes.

Persistent bouts of “cloudy head.” I can’t describe them. They’re just “bad head days.” Still struggle with impulse control and temper.

The seizures started four years later. Lots of different meds and a couple wrecked cars later, we found something that worked. The wrecks weren’t seizure related, but the lack of sleep probably was.

The migraines just started this February, at age 37. Debilitating dizziness and sound sensitivity. Can’t think. Can’t sleep. Neurologist thought they were seizures but later decided on migraines. New meds and a chiropractor are helping, but some days are still hella rough.

But all the docs thought I wouldn’t live and if I did I would be requiring 24/7 care, so I still got pretty lucky.”

13. Shortcut

“Driving through a military base closed to the public in hopes of arriving at my destination faster.”

14. A bad idea

“Mixing heroin and Xanax, don’t do that kids, that’s how you die.”

15. That was nice?

“Sitting on the trunk of a car. “Just drive slow and I’ll hop off at my house.”

They did not drive slowly. I got to be in a coma though, so that was nice.”

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12 Ridiculous Kitchen Fails

Ever heard of the saying “baking is a science and cooking is an art?” Both of these are definitely skills, and for most people, they improve with practice. Let’s hope the people responsible for the photos below have improved.

These 12 people went way beyond a screw up and into a massive fail worthy of internet shame. Just take a look!

 

#12. I guess not everyone knows that microwave safe and stovetop safe are not the same thing.

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(Hand covering face emoji)

#11. I honestly didn’t think it was possible to make pizza unappetizing.

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I’m sorry, no.

#10. When you just scrape it together and tell yourself it’s fine while you cry and watch Netflix.

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Eh, still looks pretty good to me.

#9. Sometimes creativity can turn out a bit scarier than you intended.

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I mean, they still sort of look like chicks? Sort of?

#8. Chicken nuggets with a side of melted pan.

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Really would’ve loved to have understood the plan here.

#7. Wasting nachos is an unpardonable offense.

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I can’t even begin to figure out what happened here.

#6. I’m more intrigued than I probably should be.

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…What eggs did those come from?

#5. How even…?

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This person’s got a lot of ‘splainin’ to do.

#4. A lesson in how cute can turn sad so quickly.

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At least they were together when they perished.

#3. Not so fast, sir.

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Well, you got the cheese part right…

#2. I bet this person is ordering out from now on.

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Why is everyone so afraid of cookie sheets?!

#1. There goes the assumption that “anyone” can make a grilled cheese.

Image Credit: Instagram

Maybe they were going for a Trump impression?

 

May your smoke detectors all be in working order!

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20 Times Kids Got an ‘A’ For Effort Getting an ‘F’

Some kids, even though they failed miserably in school, get an A+ in my book. If you’re gonna do really bad on a test or an assignment, you might as well excel at it, right?

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I think they all deserve an “A” for effort.

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20 Times Kids Got an ‘A’ For Effort Getting an ‘F’

Some kids, even though they failed miserably in school, get an A+ in my book. If you’re gonna do really bad on a test or an assignment, you might as well excel at it, right?

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I think they all deserve an “A” for effort.

The post 20 Times Kids Got an ‘A’ For Effort Getting an ‘F’ appeared first on UberFacts.

12+ People Share Their Petty Relationship Deal Breakers

Whether you want to admit it or not, we all have a line we draw in the sand when it comes to relationships. Sometimes we can even be petty. It might be the way they eat their peas, maybe their nose is a little crooked, etc.

These AskReddit users shared their petty, and funny, relationship deal breakers. Take note….it can be rough out there.

1. Not gonna work

“He was allergic to hummus and I f*cking love hummus.”

2. No smoking

“Sorry, but can’t stand smokers.”

3. Don’t believe in it

“I can’t date people who believe in Soulmates™ or the “One”.

I can’t shake the feeling they’re using you as a placeholder until they find their mythical 100% match. Or that they believe relationships with their ‘soulmate’ wouldn’t need actual work or active effort.”

4. Be an adult

“I just went out with a guy last week and asked him what he was for Halloween last year and he said “an adult”. Dealbreaker. I’m an adult everyday, including Halloween.”

5. Don’t interfere with dirty talk

“Goofy accent. Sorry. I like dirty talk and it doesn’t work if I want to burst out laughing.”

6. Yikes

“Loud breathing. Can’t do it. I want to tear your airways out and feed them to you if I can hear you breathe.”

7. That is not pleasant

“Either chew with their mouth open or make a lot of noise while eating.”

8. Uh uh

“Nose hair. How do you not notice you have long pieces of hair sticking out of your nose? Tweezers can fix that sh*t in two seconds.”

9. Hurry up!

“I once broke up with someone because he tied his shoes too slowly. Like he just…took forever to make the bow? He was bent over for almost a full minute every time. Inexplicable.”

10. Okay, that’s petty

“Fingernails. I don’t know how to properly explain this, but there are two types of nails: some people’s fingernails don’t press into the finger on the sides, and aren’t as curved, giving a wider, flatter nail than others. These people’s hands creep me the f— out and I can’t stand being touched by people with this type of fingernail. It’s ridiculous, and I know it’s stupid, but it makes me so irrationally uncomfortable.”

11. Intriguing

“If they have a go-to word that they use all the time. Most recently, I was seeing a girl who said, “That’s intriguing,” when responding to anything I said that was mildly interesting.”

12. Back off

“Too clingy too soon. We do NOT have to text all day or talk every day.”

13. Can’t look away

“I once broke up with someone because he didn’t clean his ears (it was actually so gross.) Not in his ears, but like the fold behind his ears. I just kept staring and thinking about it…”

14. Not a good look

“You can’t wear/like those flat brim baseball hats. I’m 99% positive you’re a self absorbed douche if you do.”

15. Ewwwww!

“She ate mayonnaise out of the jar with a spoon.”

The post 12+ People Share Their Petty Relationship Deal Breakers appeared first on UberFacts.

12+ People Share Their Petty Relationship Deal Breakers

Whether you want to admit it or not, we all have a line we draw in the sand when it comes to relationships. Sometimes we can even be petty. It might be the way they eat their peas, maybe their nose is a little crooked, etc.

These AskReddit users shared their petty, and funny, relationship deal breakers. Take note….it can be rough out there.

1. Not gonna work

“He was allergic to hummus and I f*cking love hummus.”

2. No smoking

“Sorry, but can’t stand smokers.”

3. Don’t believe in it

“I can’t date people who believe in Soulmates™ or the “One”.

I can’t shake the feeling they’re using you as a placeholder until they find their mythical 100% match. Or that they believe relationships with their ‘soulmate’ wouldn’t need actual work or active effort.”

4. Be an adult

“I just went out with a guy last week and asked him what he was for Halloween last year and he said “an adult”. Dealbreaker. I’m an adult everyday, including Halloween.”

5. Don’t interfere with dirty talk

“Goofy accent. Sorry. I like dirty talk and it doesn’t work if I want to burst out laughing.”

6. Yikes

“Loud breathing. Can’t do it. I want to tear your airways out and feed them to you if I can hear you breathe.”

7. That is not pleasant

“Either chew with their mouth open or make a lot of noise while eating.”

8. Uh uh

“Nose hair. How do you not notice you have long pieces of hair sticking out of your nose? Tweezers can fix that sh*t in two seconds.”

9. Hurry up!

“I once broke up with someone because he tied his shoes too slowly. Like he just…took forever to make the bow? He was bent over for almost a full minute every time. Inexplicable.”

10. Okay, that’s petty

“Fingernails. I don’t know how to properly explain this, but there are two types of nails: some people’s fingernails don’t press into the finger on the sides, and aren’t as curved, giving a wider, flatter nail than others. These people’s hands creep me the f— out and I can’t stand being touched by people with this type of fingernail. It’s ridiculous, and I know it’s stupid, but it makes me so irrationally uncomfortable.”

11. Intriguing

“If they have a go-to word that they use all the time. Most recently, I was seeing a girl who said, “That’s intriguing,” when responding to anything I said that was mildly interesting.”

12. Back off

“Too clingy too soon. We do NOT have to text all day or talk every day.”

13. Can’t look away

“I once broke up with someone because he didn’t clean his ears (it was actually so gross.) Not in his ears, but like the fold behind his ears. I just kept staring and thinking about it…”

14. Not a good look

“You can’t wear/like those flat brim baseball hats. I’m 99% positive you’re a self absorbed douche if you do.”

15. Ewwwww!

“She ate mayonnaise out of the jar with a spoon.”

The post 12+ People Share Their Petty Relationship Deal Breakers appeared first on UberFacts.

This illusion tricks your brain into time travel

Science Alert claims this illusions mimics time travel in the brain: In the Illusory Rabbit, the middle flash never happens, but most people still think they saw three flashes to match three beeps. In the Invisible Rabbit, it’s the middle beep that is missed – and the brain usually thinks there was no middle flash […]