These Random Tweets Will Be Hilarious from Now Until Forever

There are certain jokes out there that are just timeless. No matter how many times you hear them, how many views you rack up on the video, or how many times you relate it to your friends, you can’t help but crack up.

I humbly submit these tweets under that same category.

17. Aspirations!

DRESS FOR THE JOB YOU WANT pic.twitter.com/Kr48zBcL1m

— Klaudia Amenábar (@kaludiasays) August 2, 2017

16. People’s minds, I swear…

Pleasure to meet you. The name's… pic.twitter.com/Auq5ynNTHJ

— Jay (@jaybn1) August 18, 2016

15. I hope they’re being paid union wages

Shark week is actually the safest time to go to the beach because all the sharks are busy being on TV

— Eric Thomas (@EricThomas_311) July 24, 2017

14. Also don’t buy a duvet cover

CHANGING YOUR DUVET COVER
-remember to use your energy sparingly. It's a marathon, not a sprint
-make sure you stay hydrated
-don't panic

— Manytypesoftea (@manytypesoftea) July 15, 2017

13. What even?!

When you're struggling to reach the word count whilst writing an essay pic.twitter.com/czr48f5EYT

— Dan (@DanielWhitear) May 18, 2017

12. A wise man

wife: Why is your back all scratched up?
[flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone]
me: I'm having an affair

— Josh (@iwearaonesie) August 18, 2016

11. I can’t

Congratulations to the happy couple! pic.twitter.com/sVQyAv7GOb

— Tettra (@tettracat) July 29, 2017

10. Among other things

STOP ENCOURAGING EVERYONE TO GO TO COLLEGE THERE IS NOT ENOUGH PARKING

— Austin Sawyer (@austy23) August 29, 2017

9. Right? Ew.

No fucking way will I choose the shopping cart that someone left a piece of paper in.

— denise (@Stellacopter) April 16, 2013

8. Life lessons…

I’ve learned in my 27 years of life that you cannot send 2 questions to a man in the same text message, or separate messages before receiving a reply to the first one. You will only get an answer to one of your questions. Simple creatures. Slow down for them.

— peach (@paigelokkesmoe) March 11, 2019

7. Me.

ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me

— a ghost, online (@AbrasiveGhost) April 16, 2016

6. As one does…

Roommate has date coming by later and asked me to clean bc he's not home. So I made a Princess D shrine in his room pic.twitter.com/wfOeVUm7yW

— Deno DeMartino (@Deno_Tron) July 1, 2017

5. Dying!

every morning I ask the dog "the usual?" before pouring her food into her bowl & neither of us thinks it's funny but that's showbiz baby

— dalton day (@lilghosthands) September 10, 2017

4. Well-argued

most cutting thing you can say is "who's this clown?" because it implies they're a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns

— Cohen is a ghost (@skullmandible) December 12, 2013

3. Solidarity

Behind every strong woman is 5 other strong women who proofread her email real quick when they had a second

— Gabby Noone (@twelveoclocke) April 25, 2016

2. If this doesn’t make you snort… what’s wrong with you?!

Jesus out here looking like a SNACK pic.twitter.com/XrTQxOYzRb

— 『Hannah Hotpocket』 (@jaredtheunseen) February 24, 2018

1. This is one of the weirdest things humans do!

Me setting my alarm for every 5 minutes in the morning pic.twitter.com/TjCBc9hPcY

— Shania Twink (@syrianbryn) September 11, 2017

Love it!

The post These Random Tweets Will Be Hilarious from Now Until Forever appeared first on UberFacts.

July 10, 2019

These Twitter Posts Were the Reason We Smiled Today

Some days, the only thing that can put a smile on my face is hilarious people on Twitter.

So please keep tweeting y’all! Because you sure are funny!

1. Hey, I’d buy it!

Proudest moment of my life was photoshopping my tire being flat to get out of work, I really finessed pic.twitter.com/SaY6Z7Ctmg

— Papa Boardslide (@PapaBoardslide) June 13, 2019

2. From now on… avocadoes will be known as this. So says me.

Got to my dad’s house and he was showing me all the food he has for me to snack on and he goes “and I have a guacamole ball” what’s a guacamole ball you ask? well I will tell you. an avocado. He has an avocado.

— megan rapinoe im free on thursday (@merestromb) June 9, 2019

3. Well, that’s one to do it…

He made a group chat, named it “Zeke’s surprise birthday party”….and left the chat pic.twitter.com/733KU8lCAu

— cocaine pineapple (@asimms17) June 5, 2019

4. I want to party with this girl. Eventually.

So it was my cousins 3rd birthday and instead of having a normal theme she chose this pic.twitter.com/U3FYpeGKTM

— ANDREA (@dreeaaxo_) June 5, 2019

5. I see you!

me, stepping spider on
into the shower the ceiling
trying not to watching me
do anything to
anger the spider pic.twitter.com/3fEEfSNSGE

— eric curtin (@dubstep4dads) June 4, 2019

6. Rough day.

I am not in a Walmart parking lot physically right now but I am in a Walmart parking lot emotionally

— ruth (@RuthAnnJoy) June 3, 2019

7. It had to happen eventually…

well that’s a first pic.twitter.com/rFanjHAPqL

— ellie sunakawa (@elliesunakawa) June 4, 2019

8. She earned it!

Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife pic.twitter.com/wpGdFPANd6

— Sarah Whelan Curtis (@sarahwcurtis) June 4, 2019

9. I think you just did it…

Can someone write an article on millenials killing the doorbell industry by texting “here”

— stella donnelly stan (@youngandjoven) June 3, 2019

10. Honesty is the best policy!

I just found my old diary from when I was 9 and by god I was an idiot pic.twitter.com/OIhq8PZ8Uf

— tnorbs (@blanketgoblin) June 11, 2019

11. WHAT IS THAT?!?

this fucked me up… pic.twitter.com/g5MtAzR372

— eric curtin (@_ericcurtin) June 13, 2019

Alright, if you didn’t laugh, I’ve got nothing more for you.

Go try Buzzfeed or something.

The post These Twitter Posts Were the Reason We Smiled Today appeared first on UberFacts.

July 10, 2019

Brave Women Are Sharing Their Abortion Stories with the Hashtag #YouKnowMe

Right now is a scary time to be a woman in America.

People who support a woman’s right to choose what she does with her reproductive health are trying anything they can to make sure the message is spread far and wide that even if people don’t think they know somebody who has had an abortion… they do.

A lot of people have shared their story, but Busy Philipps recently shared a story on her talk show about her experience…

Thank you for your strength in sharing your story, @BusyPhilipps. #BusyTonight pic.twitter.com/Ryqz7WGEVN

— Busy Tonight (@BusyTonightTV) May 8, 2019

Busy also shared some statistics… with the hashtag #YouKnowMe

1 in 4 women have had an abortion. Many people think they don’t know someone who has, but #youknowme. So let’s do this: if you are also the 1 in 4, let’s share it and start to end the shame. Use #youknowme and share your truth.

— Busy Philipps (@BusyPhilipps) May 15, 2019

Folks, 25% of all women have had an abortion at some point in their lives. If you didn’t know that stat before, now you do.

Naturally, people are taking up the hashtag and sharing their stories…

Yes, women will die.

I was sixteen. I had been raped by a school volunteer. The fetus had caused internal bleeding and I was fifteen minutes from dying. I was a Sophomore in high school…dying because of the choice of one man. It was either me or the fetus that was going to die anyway. #youknowme

— The Salt Well (@TheSaltWell) May 15, 2019

Lots and lots of women.

I was 24, full-time college student, in a mentally & physically abusive relationship. My OB just found clump of cervical cancer & said going through with pregnancy would mean complications & could possibly risk my life. I had an abortion @ 7wks. 1 in 4 women have them #youknowme

— ZombiUnicorn Nati Ⓥ (@TheZombiUnicorn) May 15, 2019

And it doesn’t matter what their reason is..

I was 19, in college, and supporting my alcoholic father and little brother with a shit job. I was on the pill. I was doing everything I was “supposed” to do to pull myself from poverty. I’m now married to the father and we are raising 2 children in a great life #youknowme

— Mrs Marmo (@MissMarmo) May 15, 2019

Because these are incredibly difficult choices…

I am here and able to mother my incredible daughter because of the health- and life-saving abortion I had when she was three years old. #YouKnowMe

— Jessica Valenti (@JessicaValenti) May 15, 2019

And without those choices, women literally lose their rights as human beings…

In 2012 I had an abortion, I wasn’t ready in any means to have a child I am 1 in 4 and #YouKnowMe. Post procedure I immediately cried, it was one of the hardest decisions to make but I would have not been able to grow the way I did the last 7 years if I didn’t make that decision https://t.co/nZ6kTZVd6e

— Nelini Stamp (@NelStamp) May 15, 2019

Because imagine a world where rapists just get to have children because they commit a crime…

#YouKnowMe I had an abortion after the morning after pill did not work when I was date raped

— ☆Shine (@BurntShine) May 15, 2019

And the only option being a hotel room in the middle of nowhere…

#YouKnowMe my neighbor is an elderly woman who runs the food share program in town. In high school, she piled into a S.C. hotel room with a bunch of girls in similar straights to have an illegal abortion. One girl bled out and died. She still shakes when she tells the story.

— PRE-EXISTING KATE (@KONTENTLY) May 15, 2019

Women need to be able to plan their lives…

16, had zero support system with family or partner. I came from a young mother, who came from a young mother. I refused to continue the cycle #youknowme

— CrissCross Applesauce (@kassy_cameron) May 15, 2019

Without fear of consequence for ONE moment taking over their entire life…

#YouKnowMe I was 17, a senior in high school, with scholarships to UA so my Dad wouldn’t have to pay for my school. I decided to have a future and had an abortion instead of being stuck in the small town with an abusive boyfriend’s child.

— S. N. King (@MDBTrumpet) May 15, 2019

Again, these are health care decisions, first and foremost…

We were in love, in college and not ready for a baby, I called my doctor. Found out it was a tubal pregnancy, so I had an abortion. My partner was so loving and kind during all of it, it brought us closer together. We now have 2 kids, we’ve been together for 20yrs. #YouKnowMe

— Caitlin Papp (@Caitlpapp) May 15, 2019

And nobody should ever make that decision for another person.

If I didn’t, I would have died, my husband would have been a widow, and my one-year old would have grown up without a mother. #youknowme

— Fashion Meets Fifty (@charharreveld) May 15, 2019

Yes, we all know somebody who had an abortion. And their reasons, while their own, are completely justifiable.

Anybody who tells you differently is just trying to interfere with a woman’s civil rights.

The post Brave Women Are Sharing Their Abortion Stories with the Hashtag #YouKnowMe appeared first on UberFacts.

July 10, 2019

Enjoy These Funny Tweets About Anxiety When You Need a Break

Dealing with anxiety really sucks. It can affect your job, your relationships, and every other aspect of your life in negative ways. But one way to deal with the ailment is to try to laugh at it, at least every once in a while.

As the old saying goes, laughter is the best medicine.

At the very least, these tweets will remind you that you are not alone in your struggle.

1. This should help

I watch the news when I want my generalized anxiety disorder to be more specific.

— Amy Dillon (@amydillon) November 26, 2014

2. You can do it!

Nobody buys into "if you can conceive it, you can achieve it!!!" more than my anxiety

— Aparna Nancherla (@aparnapkin) December 30, 2015

3. Please?

me to my anxiety: pic.twitter.com/fJYpVNK8Zo

— Tabir Akhter (@tabir) April 14, 2015

4. Need a little change

I'm not saying I want to be haunted by a creepy ghost child, but a good mirror scare would be a nice reprieve from "free-floating" anxiety.

— Julieanne Smolinski (@BoobsRadley) August 11, 2014

5. Pretty funny

Myyyy social anxiety brings all the mumblemumblemumblelookaway

— Hootsuite Riot (@AmyDentata) April 17, 2013

6. #GetAnxious

the netflix counter of how many seconds until the next episode plays automatically is freaking me out. anxiety is cool everyone get anxious

— mike pence's first wife, lilith (@jon_snow_420) March 27, 2016

7. Pleased to meet you!

I love introducing my social anxiety to someone else's social anxiety

— Aparna Nancherla (@aparnapkin) July 31, 2016

8. Ahhhh, that’s better

To achieve inner peace, just convince yourself the anxiety fueled hellscape of a life you created is exactly what you wanted. Namaste.

— beth, someone else (@bourgeoisalien) September 12, 2015

9. Which one will it be today?

when you think about it, having both depression and anxiety is an effective system of checks and balances

— anna borges (@annabroges) April 12, 2016

10. Get prepared

My grandfather fought in 2 wars & I just had to audibly practice what I was gonna say to the lady at the drive thru bc of my social anxiety.

— jordan (@jordan_stratton) March 16, 2015

11. Damn!

It seems unfair and statistically improbable for the odd sex dream to turn into a full-on anxiety nightmare and yet, here we are.

— Julieanne Smolinski (@BoobsRadley) May 23, 2013

12. Hahahaha

Idea:
Apartments designed for people with anxiety issues called "The Zo Lofts".

— Chez McCorvey (@CelebrityChez) November 12, 2014

13. Nothing but mumbling…

ALL MY PEOPLE WITH SOCIAL ANXIETY IN THE HOUSE SAY HOOOOOOO
[nervous mumbling]

— Alexis Wilkinson (@OhGodItsAlexis) November 8, 2014

14. Very true

Any chair can be a rocking chair if your anxiety is bad enough.

— Stephanie McMaster (@Smethanie) June 18, 2016

15. That’s not a bad idea

Social anxiety? Do what I do: set a shed on fire, sneak out in the ensuing melee.
Only works twice

— Andy Richter (@AndyRichter) September 1, 2013

16. Uh oh

March winds bring April showers, April showers bring anxiety attacks in the garden center of Home Depot.

— Amy Dillon (@amydillon) April 13, 2015

17. Run!

Pretty cool how anxiety makes life feel like Super Mario Bros. when the running-out-of-time music comes on.

— Stephanie McMaster (@Smethanie) November 6, 2013

18. That’s a brilliant idea

They should make an app for people with anxiety or depression that will have extroverts make phone calls and appointments for them.

— Akilah Hughes (@AkilahObviously) February 24, 2016

19. Don’t tell me that!

Anxiety is the price of life.

— The Untastic Mr. Fitz (@UnFitz) September 22, 2012

20. Oh, the possibilities…

Me: Goodnight.

Brain: Pssst.

Me: What?

Brain: What disease do you think we have?

— Inappropriate Charm (@LackOfShame) July 17, 2015

Keep your chin up! Things will get better!

The post Enjoy These Funny Tweets About Anxiety When You Need a Break appeared first on UberFacts.

July 8, 2019

10+ Tweets That You Need in Your Life Right Now

You need to read these tweets RIGHT THIS INSTANT.

And I don’t want to hear any arguments.

So go do it!

1. You sonofabitch!

[during sex]

Me: hurt me

Him: your metabolism isn’t what it was in high school and it shows

Me: wait

Him: you never lived up to your potential because you rely on talent instead of work ethic & immediately abandon everything you’re bad at because you’re afraid of failure

— 1984’s George Whorewell (@EwdatsGROSS) June 19, 2019

2. I ask for gum…

There are two kinds of people in this world: People who carry gum and people who always ask other people for gum.

— Krystie Lee Yandoli (@KrystieLYandoli) June 19, 2019

3. He does. He does…

Me explaining to ⠀ ⠀ ⠀My cat
my cat that I ⠀ ⠀ ⠀ ⠀pretending
won’t tell anyone ⠀⠀ ⠀he cant speak
if he can speak pic.twitter.com/X7PHTuEXZ9

— . (@PabloPiqasso) June 17, 2019

4. Fam is fam

Him: Did you adopt your dog?
Me: No, he’s my biological dog.

— Goats? (@Gooooats) June 19, 2019

5. Naw, it’s the first kind of description for me…

telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”

saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes

— the library haunter (@SketchesbyBoze) June 11, 2019

6. That skull-having motherfucker! That’s mine!

It’s crab season. Choose your fighter. pic.twitter.com/mhcRGbvRpC

— Roxi Horror (@roxiqt) June 21, 2019

7. If this doesn’t make you laugh, you dead.

“Don’t boil me I can do your taxes for you” pic.twitter.com/2S7vSa5H46

— Jalen Rose Lied/Chris Broussard lied (@Getthebagcoach) June 10, 2019

8. I hungry.

Me after one blunt pic.twitter.com/qxbi1l8Ldz

— CHILÉ SAUCE (@zayelchapo) June 1, 2019

9. Tweet! Tweet! Tweet!

“Street! Street! Street!” pic.twitter.com/1Yd4G0Uy9T

— Holly Brockwell (@holly) June 24, 2019

10. Ohhhh gurl!!! You got them ketchup fingers…

fresh set pic.twitter.com/DptTWGl0Uc

— Lauren Nichole (@g0gurtz) June 23, 2019

11. I love this man

Using little plastic dinosaurs and some fishline, I made a scene for my wife’s car backup camera.

Now we wait. pic.twitter.com/b3effNfzQr

— Steve vs Ninjas (@stevevsninjas) June 21, 2019

12. Don’t think you haven’t thought this before…

me before going through security at airport: what if i accidentally have a gun

— Natalie (@jbfan911) June 21, 2019

13.

~Arch Nemesis Guide~

BATMAN: order
JOKER: chaos

X-MEN: co-existence
MAGNETO: revenge

SUPERMAN: selflessness
LEX LUTHOR: greed

SPIDER-MAN: he a bug
DR OCTOPUS: he a octapus

— Elvish Presley (@_elvishpresley_) June 27, 2019

See? I told you that you needed them tweets!

You’re welcome!

The post 10+ Tweets That You Need in Your Life Right Now appeared first on UberFacts.

July 5, 2019

These Dating Tweets Are so Relatable We Can Hardly Deal with It

Need some relatable dating tweets? Of course you do, what a silly question!

Enjoy!

1. Oh, you too? Hmmm, there’s a lot of us these days…

Ask her to send the link pls

— afshan d’souza-lodhi (@afshandl) April 18, 2019

2. Why do our minds always go there?!?

i’m FAR from catching feelings

me

(2 steps)

planning a wedding

— adam (@brokeangeI) October 25, 2018

3. And that trash patch in the middle of the ocean is massive!

They say there’s plenty of fish in the sea but you know what else there is? Trash. There is a lot of trash in the sea.

— ㅤChase Winiarski (@chasewiniarski) November 8, 2018

4. But what if I don’t want a date right now…

Very flattered that you tried inviting me over at two am but, now hear me out. What if you asked me on a date instead.

— Not a dime, just a Nicole (@NicoleKSchubert) July 23, 2018

5. lol just jk…

When you text them all excited and they don’t match your energy https://t.co/MICxkoO9qk

— ﾒ𝚘 (@stephan_xo) January 28, 2019

6. Yes, we did hug at the end. Who wants more details?

me: goes on a date
group chat:
me: pic.twitter.com/t9FXREuUEa

— clit eastwood (@dopegirlfresh) July 30, 2018

7. Is this one of those prank shows?

You ever been single for so long that a relationship starts to look like a set up to you

— Moreno (@Moreno) January 31, 2019

8. Oh no. No no no…

If you want to be talked out of dating someone show him to the group chat

— D$ (@saintdaniella) January 26, 2017

9. You just hope it’s lil ugly instead of big pretty…

Block his number and let lil ugly have him

— (@Luxmarieee) December 8, 2018

10. Oh stop it! You wouldn’t make babies cry… much.

Cool. I’m single because I’m ugly https://t.co/Fc5se59GDl

— Gabi (@Gabehh_Cee) March 28, 2019

11. Damn… who do you hang around?

being single made me realize everybody in relationships cheating lmao

— SHE AMILLI (@amillionbuux) December 15, 2018

12. Yeah, but how big is that wall’s d**k?

me talking to men with zero personality pic.twitter.com/dLgrlcIiYG

— nickntv on Twitch ♡ (@NickNMedia) April 22, 2018

13. So is that a fire sign or…?

what zodiac sign is the worst? i’m curious. in my opinion….. men.

— – ♡ 𝚕𝚒𝚋𝚛𝚊 𝚚𝚞𝚎𝚎𝚗 (@c00lcvnt) March 24, 2019

14. Yeah, don’t fly too close to the sun…

Dating someone who matches your nasty is dangerous lmao

— Dyani (@jaleecee) March 29, 2019

15. Just 623? Amateur…

“Why you ain’t text me back”

First of all experiment 623 you’re not my man, relax.

— (@unbotheredbliss) October 2, 2017

16. She has a point…

Dating is like trying to find a piece of hay in a needlestack

— Shea (@sheastrauss) October 23, 2016

If you didn’t relate to anything in that pile of wisdom, I don’t know what to tell you.

Maybe look on Insta and following some influencers, because I got nothing more for ya.

The post These Dating Tweets Are so Relatable We Can Hardly Deal with It appeared first on UberFacts.

July 4, 2019

All Women Have the Same Freckle on Their Wrist. Take a Look, We’ll Wait.

A Twitter user recently pointed out something that was staring us in the face this whole time, but none of us noticed this feature most women have in common.

It started off with an innocent question…

“Ladies… you got a freckle on the middle of your wrist or is this a myth,” Aaryn asked.

ladies….. u got a freckle on the middle of ur wrist or is this a myth lmao pic.twitter.com/VpwkkeWKTj

— aaryn ✰ (@aarynwhitley) May 22, 2019

The answer was YASSSSS!!!! So many women had a freckle in that exact spot!

And so they shared…

WTF
(I also have one on my left wrist but it isn’t perfectly centered like this one) pic.twitter.com/QXDEnPF6dw

— Ani-Mia (@AniMiaOfficial) May 29, 2019

Because this is wild, ya’ll!

Yeah this is wild pic.twitter.com/j5zTjS2nvk

— mal (@malwestie) May 26, 2019

Shocking to say the least!

WTF pic.twitter.com/lVHyf7pHp1

— LTP (@lenatheplug) May 26, 2019

Some weren’t so sure…

I mean I guess pic.twitter.com/EnUFbzH5Ke

— Madeline (@maddietheginge) May 25, 2019

But that’s because they didn’t look closely enough!

pic.twitter.com/UJoIkNwUDV

— ˗ˏˋ lily ˎˊ˗ (@Lilybigreddog) May 26, 2019

And yeah, you’re right to freak…

Low key freaking out pic.twitter.com/GlGGlKVWPZ

— Frey (@Freyyx) May 25, 2019

Because it’s there. Just need to uncover it.

I was like “nah” but apparently I keep my wrist freckle under my watch pic.twitter.com/wC6nTyMkdx

— b (@_brrandi99) May 27, 2019

And look at both wrists, ladies!

I was like haaaa not me. Then I looked at my left wrist pic.twitter.com/zU0jHMcDWj

— Karissa Pukas (@KARISSAPUKAS) May 26, 2019

To answer the following question: “Because.”

Okay.. but why do we all have dis?! pic.twitter.com/WrsVmmxjbj

— Kait (@KaitNicholexo) May 26, 2019

So yeah… that’s crazy right?

The question is now… do you have a freckle in the middle of your wrist?

Snap a shot and leave it in the comments!

The post All Women Have the Same Freckle on Their Wrist. Take a Look, We’ll Wait. appeared first on UberFacts.

July 4, 2019

20 Tweets for People Who Are over Summer and Ready for Fall

There are a whole lot of people out there who already want summer to end. Like, IMMEDIATELY.

If you’re more of a fall person who loves the changing leaves, hot cocoa, and cold autumn evenings, these tweets are for you.

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The post 20 Tweets for People Who Are over Summer and Ready for Fall appeared first on UberFacts.

July 4, 2019

A Woman Claimed Poor People Have No Class. People on Twitter Politely Showed Her Who Really Has No Class.

Get ready to meet someone who is completely terrible!

This self-proclaimed ‘blue collar millionaire’ cause outrage on Twitter when she had the nerve to say, “broke people are usually very low class, have extremely bad manners, have zero etiquettes and no class at all whatsoever.”

Yeah, it’s gonna get ugly…