Category: tweets

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Tweets to Help Us Change Our Life for the Better

Are you looking to make a change in your life? Improve yourself somehow? Are you tired of reading through mountains of self-help or trying out various religions, or, even more extreme, trying to use a Peloton?

Well, never fear because you don’t need any of that to become inspired. All you need is some tweets.

Consider these suggestions for ways in which you might get a leg up on life.

13. Become a beekeeper

It’s fun, fast, and easy!

12. Just quit

Be like Pluto – large but not quite large enough for anybody to care.

11. Become ungovernable

Power to the people. Quite literally.

10. Get your priorities straight

NOBODY misses Theodore’s bassoon recital.

9. Check in with friends

Why create masked calls for attention when you can be straightforward?

8. Move to Canada

Just make sure you do your research first.

7. Get into the improv scene

Or maybe don’t.

6. Find your love language

And stick to it.

5. Challenge the past

What’s it gonna do, fight you? It’s in the past.

4. Make some art

Truly a masterpiece is what we’ve got right here.

3. Give to charity

Even if that charity is yourself.

2. Do a little snooping

Everyone around you has a story to tell, and some of them are absolutely dangerous.

1. Learn from the greats

Goldilocks crawled so that we could run.

I think that oughta be enough to get you started on your self-improvement journey. Do let us know how it goes.

What are your big self-improvement tips?

Tell us in the comments.

Thanks, fam!

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Quality Tweets That Might Make Your Brain Stop Working

A lot of Twitter is just the same kind of stuff over and over; political arguments, self-righteous anger over any give topic, pithy little observations, wild stanning, attempted takedowns, attempted jokes, it all just kind of washes over you and moves right past your brain.

But some of it has a very different effect. Some of it is so wild, so ridiculous, so absolutely cringe, that it will not only force you to take notice, but may in fact put a stop to your brain function altogether.

These are ten such tweets. How many are sincere? How many are trolling? How many are copies from some long lost source of equally dubious origin? It’s impossible to say. All we can tell you is to prepare yourself for the worst.

10. Enjoy it while it last

This bit of cringe was originally a reply to a (now deleted) simple, sweet declaration of love from a wife to a husband.

9. The cross driver

I’m gonna need to you go ahead and say sike right now.

8. The killer looks

Oh…well that’s…um…*backs out of room slowly*

7. Follow back bro

This man’s got his priorities straight.

6. Eat fresh

Not like this…never like this.

5. Wasteful idiot

I need this to be a weird joke.
I NEED this to be a weird joke.

4. BTS

These stans are getting out of control.

3. Chew on that

Hey where do you live so I can never go there.

2. The speed of sound

I’m going to need to have a serious conversation with 9.2% of you.

1. Smoke ’em up

I’m sure it’s exactly what he would have wanted.

Well, I’d better make this outro brief because my brain stopped working.

What’s the weirdest thing you’ve seen on the internet lately?

Tell us in the comments.

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Tweets That Will Make Sense to People Who Are Perpetually Anxious

I don’t want to say that I “have anxiety,” because I don’t really know what that means.

What I WILL say is that I’m constantly worried about absolutely everything and that worry is always turning to anger and that anger back to worry and I self-medicate in order to escape that cycle enough to rest and carry on with life.

Or wait. Is that just having anxiety?

If you clicked this link, you can probably relate. And so can all the people who wrote these tweets.

11. Just panicking

I promise you my brain works, just not particularly well.

10. Practice makes perfect

I never heard or registered any other part of the book or the knowledge it contained but it was well worth it.

9. You’re right

We need to take this to the next level, you and me.

8. Something’s off

It’s like having an alarm for just nothing in particular.

7. Isolation

It’s not you, it is most definitely me.

6. Join the black parade

He said son when
You grow up
Could you be…

5. Social battery drain

And then you just can’t possibly get out of there fast enough.

4. Tap the mic

Somehow I’ll just never trust that little icon.

3. Follow the light

Do you actually know or are you trying to get me to tell you?

2. The montage

Cue the music and grab the dial tone.

1. 50 years

I’m gonna be on my deathbed thinking about some petty crap I pulled when I was like 25, I promise you that.

I don’t know how to end this. I’m too nervous now. I love you? Goodbye? (Stupid…)

One a scale from 1-10, how anxious are you in general?

Give us your ranking in the comments.

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Failure Tweets Brought to Us By Funny People

If you think you’ve been failing lately, chances are you’re right. Because a lot of us fail in little ways all the time. It’s just part of life. Make peace with it. Find your zen.

One way to help you make peace with it might just be realizing how much worse other people fail and create facepalm inducing scenarios on a day to day basis.

And if you need examples of just that, look no further than the friendly folks of Twitter. They’ve got the fail you need to succeed. Or something.

12. I’m a weirdo

Radiohead is one of those things I absolutely love and am simultaneously embarrassed to be a fan of, because of stuff like this.

 

11. Ur cute

It’s like Schrodinger’s gay over here.

10. Thank you very much

Hey, some of us still like to show some manners in this society.

9. Charcuterie

I get it man, it really is quite a big commitment.

8. Welcome to the show

Definitely crossing a line there, but how were you to know?

7. They sucks

I mean, is this the singular they though?

6. Punch it up

How people manage to put this much work in for free I’ll never understand.

5. Out with the girls

You really need to be a kept man, don’t you?

4. That bites

Ma’am I don’t want to alarm you but I think you’re raising a vampire.

3. Carpe diem

And some denim, too, while we’re out here.

2. Look at this photograph

I feel like this might just be the worst picture of an elephant possible.

1. I no it

You no it, we all no it.

If looking at those facepalms doesn’t make you feel better about your own life, then I can only assume that you’re one of these people. In which case, I apologize.

What’s the worst fail you’ve had lately?

Tell us about it in the comments.

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People Talk About The Biggest Mistakes They’ve Ever Made at Work

We all make mistakes at our jobs sometimes, but most are quickly forgotten.

The big ones though? The ones that leave a scar on your brain? Those are the ones you’ll be talking about for years.

Or in this case, sharing with strangers on Twitter.

What are some other big blunders worth spreading? Let’s find out.

15. Good lord

Careful, he might just sue the pants off you.

14. Red alert

Must have looked like the aftermath of a Tarantino flick in there.

13. Type O

Why would that be so…ah.

12. The baby barrister

(It’s healthcare for the terminally ill.)

11. The legend

Oh the chaos.

10. Slate heavy, arms weak

A lot of red wine disasters in this thread.

9. Nightmare

Um, I sure hope the other waiter was also fired?

8. A knock out

Don’t put metal in the science oven.

7. [Redacted]

And then when the balance sheet is off at the end of the day, guess who looks like a thief.

6. Broadcast news

WTF was on that stick?

5. Hide away

I can’t say you didn’t have this coming.

4. How grand

She’s nicer than me, I would demanded to keep it.

3. Merry Christmas!

Hope you like angry phone calls as gifts.

2. Social Listening Tools

Yikes.

1. The grueling tour

Oops.

Man. Makes me glad the worst I can mess up with this job is seplling thngis worgn.

What’s your big work mistake?

Tell us in the comments.

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These Tweets are Snapshots of What Parenting is Really Like

I have absolutely no clue what it’s like to be a parent. Based on my experiences with my nieces, it seems to be mostly blur of screaming and yelling at small people telling them not to scream so much.

Which, don’t get me wrong, sounds amazing, but I think I’m good for now.

At the moment I’d prefer to just read these tweets about parenting rather than jump into the gene pool myself.

10. Get ‘er done

He’s ready for a life of labor far too soon.

9. Selective listening

This is why everybody needs a little distance.

8. Sleep sweet

This is the most effective alarm clock I can imagine.

7. Sweet bliss

Plus maybe you got some fun drugs afterwards?

6. The routine

Bedtime is when kids suddenly realize they have a long list of errands to run.

5. Catherine Obvious

If it’s not obvious to you now, it will be soon enough.

4. Important life lessons

I was homeschooled and yup, this is it.

3. I’ve created a monster

They must know their place, now and forever more.

2. Letting sleeping dogs lie

It’s really best for everyone’s health.

1. That’s the joke

What is this sleep everyone keeps talking about and do you guys sell it in bulk perchance?

So, yeah, nothing in there is making me super excited about the idea of having kid of my own, but, heck, maybe someday. In a year or a century or whatever.

Do you have kids? What’s it really like?

Hit me with the full scoop in the comments, if you would.

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Tweets That Both Cat People AND Dog People Can Enjoy

When people ask me whether I’m a cat person or a dog person, I say “yes.”

Though I will admit that if I’m going to get one as a pet, it’s more likely to be a cat. I kinda dig their self-sufficiency. They’re got their own projects going on and I can respect that.

In any case, they’re all adorable and wonderful, and these tweets are for anyone and everyone who loves either one.

15. A dumb person

Oh man, sick burn.

14. A lesson in consent

Two pats and that’s ALL.

13. A people person

I had to think about this for a moment but I’m pretty sure it’s correct.

12. An orange one

Hey, that’s a proud heritage.

11. Thems fightin’ words

Don’t wanna go barking up the wrong tree.

10. The hero we need

His heart is in the right place and that’s what counts.

9. Orange strikes back

See? PROUD. HERITAGE.

8. Reject the binary

The abyss they stare into is the haunted zone.

7. Read it again

And again and again.

6. The price you pay

Please rescue, don’t pay breeders.

5. Boundaries

Step back or get the scratch.

4. Spoil the broth

Come on, give ’em a chance.

3. Acceptance

There’s really no denying it.

2. A true bond

Humanity had its chance.

1. Real recognizes real

He’s like two steps away from paying the rent.

Whether you love cats or dogs, you can rest assured you’re a better person than those who love neither.

Which is your favorite and why?

Tell us in the comments.

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Verbal Quirks That Are Uniquely Boomer

Social media is a great place to go if you want to feel horrible about yourself.

For instance, if you happen to belong to the generation known as “baby boomer,” you can watch your entire existence get reduced a dismissive catchphrase.

But there is SOME hope. For whatever reason, Twitter seems to be cataloguing a lot of boomer favorites in the language department, and maybe that, if nothing else, will help us all heal.

12. The moving picture show

Hold on, just gotta crank it for a minute or so.

11. Encouraging words

I’ve been told this by older folks even when it is very clearly untrue and honestly, I appreciate it.

10. Cut to the chase

I have a friend who’s like 29 and does this all. The. Time.

9. Definite article

I was just reading about it the other day on the Facebooks.

8. Mutually assured destruction

Gotta remember they grew up hiding under their desks from bombs.

7. Think differently

Is it aware of us? Does it KNOW?!

6. The good stuff

Don’t care how you say it, just remember to bring me some.

5. The million dollar question

Alright but that had better be a big tip. (It’s not gonna be.)

4. Do it to it

They got places to be, don’t stand in their way.

3. Dinner is served

Um, because that’s clearly hilarious.

2. Stir the pot

I prefer the Devil’s Lettuce.

1. More money

Seriously, they want to be rich.

I think we need to hold onto these phrases. Treasure them. Pass them on to future generations so that they can continue to be enjoyed by all.

What phrase do you think is unique to your generation?

Tell us in the comments.

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Tweets to Throw You into Yesteryear…Whether You Like it Or Not

I’m not the kind of person who says “kids today don’t know how easy they’ve got it!” because frankly, I don’t think kids today have it easy AT ALL.

I mean, yeah, sure, they never had to suffer the excruciating pain that was dial-up internet, but they also never experienced, like, hope. So I’d say it all comes out in the wash.

On a lighter note, though, it can be a lot of fun to compare and contrast yesterday to today, and the best way to do that is just to get all nostalgic scrolling through Twitter, a thing we DIDN’T EVEN HAVE BACK IN THE DAY! YOU DANG KIDS! YOU GOT IT SO GOOD!

10. The skinny jeans

Surely science can find us a happy medium between these extremes.

9. Babe: Pig in the City

“I feel like this is important, but I have no idea what’s going on.”

8. Happy brunch

What kind of chaotic nightmare world was that place?

7. Fair enough

I don’t know why I always get so excited to look through there, there’s literally nothing of value to me, ever.

6. Fishy go boom

I’m genuinely terrified at the age at which peoples’ lives become public broadcasts now.

5. Yummy gummy

They just wormed their way into all of our hearts, didn’t they?

4. Assault and battery

Dropping your phone SHOULDN’T break it now, just buy a case, dang.

3. Gone with the wind

Prepare to be utterly and thoroughly broken, air currents.

2. Nobody out pizza’s the hut

Man, now I’m hungry. Again.

1. The secret word!

It’s true.

Ah, yesterday. We hardly knew ye.

What are you most nostalgic for right about now?

Tell us in the comments.

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People Share Tweets That Will Make Your Life Much Funnier Today

Twitter is a place where all kinds of things are happening all the time. I don’t know how better to explain it than that. You know stuff? You know how there’s a large variety of stuff?

Well, picture all of that variety happening simultaneously, and you’ve got Twitter.

Lucky for us, a lot of what rises to the top of that maelstrom is funny, and we get to laugh at it. Let’s do so now, shall we?

15. Speaking in code

Maybe he’s just trying to keep things interesting.

14. I am the night

Some people just live for the drama, I guess.

13. Bon Bon

We can’t know. There’s just no way to know.

12. Chuck him in

It may not be the righteous path, but it’s my path.

11. Who??

And your mom will watch an actor in 100 movies and still never know who they are.

10. Mask off

Pretty sure that’s what was happening already anyway.

9. Shoot for the floor

And you really can’t miss.

8. The fit

I don’t know why, but I find this really unsettling.

7. Know the difference

“Terrible, Incompetent Cats” is what the movie adaptation was originally called.

6. Atlas mewed

Carry on, celestial soldier.

5. I’m just sayin’

“Oh so NOW y’all wanna hear what we have to say, huh?”

4. The doors

Everything about this seems impractical.

3. It’s official

Sorry to be the one to break this news to you.

2. Birth giver

I’m not sure why so many of this thought this was a proper joke for so long.

1. By the fire

You make the best of things in this world.

Hope you enjoyed those!

Who are your favorite people to follow on Twitter?

Tell us in the comments.

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