A husband sent his wife a spreadsheet of all the excuses she’s made to not have sex with him.

Dammit, HBO should never have canceled Tell Me You Love Me. The short-lived series about sexless couples—in which we got to see Adam Scott receive a hand job on a prosthetic penis—might not have won lots of viewers, but here we are seven years later and couples still don’t know how to handle that inevitable period of their relationship when they stop having sex for a period of a few months-to-eternity. Case in point, the guy who emailed his wife a spreadsheet of every excuse she’s made to not have sex with him over the last seven weeks.

Photo Credit: Pixabay

The wife shared her turmoil on Reddit’s Relationships subreddit earlier today:

Yesterday morning, while in a taxi on the way to the airport, Husband sends a message to my work email which is connected to my phone. He’s never done this, we always communicate in person or by text. I open it up, and it’s a sarcastic diatribe basically saying he won’t miss me for the 10 days I’m gone. Attached is a SPREADSHEET of all the times he has tried to initiate sex since June 1st, with a column for my “excuses”, using verbatim quotes of why I didn’t feel like having sex at that very moment. According to his ‘document’, we’ve only had sex 3 times in the last 7 weeks, out of 27 “attempts” on his part.

She was good enough to provide the spreadsheet in question:

I’m not a marriage counselor, but I’m pretty sure that if you and the spouse aren’t sleeping together as much as you’d like, the way to turn her on is not with passive-aggressive use of Microsoft Office.

They’re a young couple, according to her post, both 26, married two years and together for five. Despite their youth, she cooks and cleans for him and they pretty much sound like a couple from the 50s, which might explain his bewilderment at her failure to provide sex on demand.

This is a side of him I have never seen before – bitter, immature, full of hatred. In person, he’d been acting normal the whole time, maybe a little standoff-ish in the last week. Completely out of left field. Our sex life HAS tapered in the last few months, but isn’t that allowed? We are adults leading busy, stressful lives. I cook for him, I do his laundry, I keep our house clean and tidy. It’s not like our sex life was going to be this way FOREVER, it was a temporary slow-down due to extenuating circumstances.

She goes on to say that since she received the spreadsheet, she’s tried calling him several times with no response. So he’s passive-aggressive IRL too, not just in his email attachments. Keep in mind, he sent this to her as she was about to leave on a ten-day business trip in another city.

People in relationships and people who might be in relationships in the future if you end up falling in love this weekend, a brief warning: You will experience periods when you aren’t having sex. It happens.

Sometimes it’s the guy, sometimes it’s the lady, sometimes it’s both parties going through some shit that makes them not feel like boning for a while.

If this period worries you, the way to address it is to say to your partner, “We aren’t having sex that much. What’s up with that, right?”

No spreadsheets!

Now, obviously, one way to respond would be for the wife to return the spreadsheet with an additional column titled, “The Real Reasons I Didn’t Want To Have Sex All Those Times.” But it sounds like she’s just going to wait to talk to him about this. Like adults do.

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10 Mind-Blowing Things These Men Learned About Women Simply by Dating One.

Since the dawn of time, men and women have been attempting to understand each other. To most men, women are a mystery. We didn’t realize how much of a mystery until we stumbled upon this AskReddit asking heterosexual men to reveal what they’ve learned about women since they began dating them. The responses are truly eye opening.

1. Gives_Wrong_Answer has some misconceptions on the mechanics of tampons. Sorry, guys. There’s nothing cool or explosive about them.

I had no clue that the string on the bottom of a tampon was to pull it out when you wanted to change it. I thought for sure that a girl stuck the tampon in, pulled the string, and it expanded like a mini explosive. Kind of like a rip cord and a parachute. I was clearly wrong.

2. Much to the surprise of catiesaur’s boyfriend, our vaginas do not spontaneously turn into Niagara Falls once a month. Though wouldn’t it be cool if they did? (No, it wouldn’t be cool. It would be gross.)

My very period-sympathetic boyfriend thought, up until a few months ago, that all the blood during a woman’s monthly period comes out all at once. In some massive torrential wave. (Apparently, we only wear tampons/pads for longer because we don’t know exactly when the flood is coming…)

3. In yet another case of menstruation confusion, stinkyP00 is just relieved to know that those marks on our underwear aren’t poop. Frankly, we’re relieved too.

I’ve lurked reddit for a while now, but I had to create my own account for this one. I never had any sisters and started dating my girlfriend a little over a year and a half ago. Well, one day within the first month or so of dating, I noticed she had some skid marks on her panties. I was thoroughly disgusted, but she’s awesome, so I let it slide. I later saw that she had more than one pair of skid marked underwear, and it remained a mystery as to why this awesome girl either A) had really bad diarrhea often or B) had no idea how to wipe her own ass. Again, this didn’t affect me too greatly, but I did find it to be a little odd. Fast forward a few months, when we went to visit her mom at her apartment. My GF’s little sister, who was 17 at the time, lived there as well. I went into her little sister’s room and saw she had panties on the floor… WITH SKID MARKS. I was aghast… Could this be a family issue? I couldn’t take it any more and I just had to ask my GF if she wasn’t raised with proper ass wiping technique. She laughed and told me it was period blood, and that girls have a few pairs of underwear they use specifically if they’re on their period. The world made a little more sense, and I was so relieved my girlfriend knew how to properly wipe her ass. I also felt like a dumbass.

TL;DR – Period blood stains sure look a hell of a lot like skid marks.

4. A common misconception we’ve seen on this thread is that men think our buttholes serve many more functions than they actually do. So much so that herromongorian’s boyfriend thought we had to see a special doctor just for our buttholes.

i told my boyfriend about my first gynecology appointment and was joking that the first time i got fingered was by a big female doctor (see principle from the movie matilda). he started fidgeting, turned pale and asked me why gynecologists have to finger women’s buttholes. he thought gynecologist=butthole doctor.

5. Vomit=pregnant, according to topo_di_biblioteca’s boyfriend.

My boyfriend thought “morning sickness” (meaning you are pregnant) occurred the morning directly after you’ve had sex. He freaked out when I had a stomach flu one morning after staying over.

6. Yes, Someonedumb, we do this. What can we say? Girls love snacks. If your snacks look delicious, we’re going to eat them. That’s the way it goes.

That they’ll tell you they’re not hungry then eat the food off your plate one piece at a time.

7. Hey, MSJallDAY, it’s not easy controlling long hair in this humidity, okay? We need some reinforcement.

Bobby pins, bobby pins everywhere.

8. Thank you for understanding, IEatBluePlayDough. Looking good isn’t cheap!

The financial burden of makeup.

9. OnlySarcasm, do you think we keep asking you to put the toilet seat down for fun? No! It’s for safety! An open toilet is a dangerous toilet.

that they actually will fall in the toilet if you leave it up..

10. Perhaps all the bragging about penis size can at last come to an end thanks to this revelation by Camtronocon.

“Why would we care how long your limp penis is?”

Mind blown

Well, guys, this has been fascinating. I think we’ve all learned a lot here today.

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15 Professional Chefs Reveal What the Average Home Cook Is Getting Wrong

There are plenty of us who believe we’re pretty handy in the kitchen, but like with any skill, the more you do it, the better you get. So from people who do it every day, here are some quick tips on ways you can improve your cooking and baking experiences at home.

#15. Meat water.

“Not thoroughly drying their defrosted meat before cooking. So many people don’t understand why their meat wont form that delicious crust before it’s cooked completely through (esp regarding chicken). It’s because you’re steaming it in meat-water instead of frying in fat.”

#14. Makes my skin crawl.

“Not using a knife correctly. Holding it wrong, chopping like a neanderthal instead of slicing, not using a cutting board. You ever seen someone slice a tomato with a steak knife on a dinner plate? Makes my skin crawl.”

#13. No idea!

“Not following the recipe. I made these cookies it I substituted the baking powder for baking soda, cut the sugar in half, used wishes instead of butter and baked them at 700 because I’m in a hurry. I have no idea why they taste terrible!”

#12. Boil no more.

“That the only way to serve vegetables like cauliflower and broccoli is to boil the shit out of them.

For once, try roasting then in the oven for a little instead, if you can’t have them fresh and as is.”

#11. Like, yesterday.

“BUY A GOOD KNIFE. NOW.”

#10. Batches!

“Putting too much into a single pan. If you’re trying to brown, stir fry or sear, don’t pack it full. It saps heat, and often you might end up steaming what you’re trying to cook. This is something I notice a lot when someone makes me stir fry, and shit’s all soggy. Batches!”

#9. Wait the ten minutes.

“I’m a trained pastry chef who now works as a baker, and I cannot begin to describe how much preheating your oven matters. Food cooks unevenly in a cold oven. Meats, roasts and poultry can’t brown in a cold oven. with baking you use yeast, baking soda and baking powder as leavenings, which – surprise! – all work thanks to heat.

If you’re throwing in frozen, precooked chicken tenders, okay, whatever. but don’t ruin your pot roast over forgetting to punch a few buttons and deciding you can’t wait ten minutes.

Also, if your oven seems off (things take way longer to cook than they should, etc) GET AN OVEN THERMOMETER. You can get ones the clip right to the rack and be done with it. it’ll improve your cooking ten fold to have a properly heated oven.”

#8. More salt.

“Your noodle water needs more salt.

Nope still not enough. It has to taste like seawater.”

#7. All that is holy.

“Tossing meats and veggies to cook in the pan in whatever order as you chop them up.
Cutting produce in uneven sizes or tossing a bunch of different produce on a pan for a one-sheet dinner without considering what size the pieces should be to cook at the same time.
Relying on canned or processed items instead of fresh like premade gravy, canned soup, pre-shredded lettuce, or bottled lemon or lime juice ect.
Not layering flavor by doing things like: brining meat, marinating meat, searing meat, adding a splash or acid/citrus/vinegar, roasting or caramelizing veggies, letting sauces reduce down, basting lean meats with fat, warming up bread/buns/tortillas, ect.
Being afraid to use salt and fat for flavor.
Finally, for the love of all that holy, use fresh aromatics. Fresh garlic and ginger are your friends.”

#6. Shocking!

“People don’t salt their meat enough. When I have people over and they see how much salt I put on a steak they are shocked; tell me it’s too much. Some people even tell me they don’t like salt and to not put any on their steak before grilling. No, I will not do that. Universally my steaks are hailed as some of the best they have ever had.”

#5. You’ll ruin your blade.

“Don’t scrape ingredients off your cutting board with the cutting edge of your knife! Use the back of the knife for that.”

#4. The Silk Road.

“Slow and low heat treats most dishes and preparations well. Also, you can achieve incredible meals with a basic spice pallete. No need to explore the Silk Road for something crazy.”

#3. Let it breathe.

“Last time I saw a similar chef advice post, I learned to let steak rest a few minutes after coming off the grill, before eating. Holy crap, what a difference that makes….”

#2. Life changing.

“Boil spaghetti/other pasta types until it’s still this side of al dente. Drain. Add the pasta sauce, finish cooking the pasta and sauce together. Bene!!

–Italian from Naples, Italy taught us all how to cook pasta when we did it American-style: separately served the cooked pasta, then a scoop of pasta sauce on top. She was aghast. Brought us to the kitchen, started from boil oil-salt water, thru the proper procedure. Life changing.”

#1. Don’t be afraid.

“Don’t be afraid to use herbs and spices…but also be sure to use the right kinds and the right timing!

Some people just throw in a bunch of herbs and they completely contrast each other. Some people throw in their herbs way too early and the flavor gets cooked out and diluted over time.

I suggest looking up good pairings online and experimenting with ones you like!”

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15 Americans Share Their Tips for People Visiting the USA for the First Time

Visiting a foreign country for the first time can be intimidating, especially if you come from a totally different culture or practice varied customs. It’s helpful to have someone to guide you, and while some of these pieces of advice won’t apply to everyone traveling, they’re undoubtedly informative and helpful if you’re planning your first trip stateside!

#15. Never been disappointed.

“See the National Parks!

I’ve never been disappointed by one. The U.S. National Park system is one of the best things about the country.

If you’ve never been to one, start with the Grand Canyon, but there are plenty more that are worth seeing. Yosemite, Yellowstone, Zion, Sequoia, Glacier….

The U.S. is very, very big and has a lot of beautiful sights to see. In my opinion, just about everything west of the Rocky Mountains is breathtakingly gorgeous.

Don’t forget Alaska and Hawaii! They’re included in that.

You could probably plan twenty separate vacations to the U.S. and still not come close to seeing all of the best stuff.”

#14. Quite friendly.

“Americans are actually quite friendly and it is not weird at all for strangers to make idle chat with you as you’re waiting in line, riding up an elevator, or in some way sharing a common space for a short amount of time. If they catch that you’re from out of town, I can guarantee you’re gonna get questions and interest from them.”

#13. Plan to drive.

“If you’re going outside of New York, DC, or the relatively few other cities that have good public transport, plan to drive. Check the website of the state(s) you’re visiting to see if you need an International Driver’s Permit and budget for a rental car. Public transportation does exist, but isn’t the greatest in most areas.”

#12. Be prepared.

“The US is BIG. Thinking about driving somewhere out of state? Double check your driving time. Tipping is a thing. Be prepared for that.
You can often get unlimited free refills at many restaurants. Live it up while you can. Live life on the edge. Go head, take that right on red. (As long as you come to a full stop first) Eat BBQ, Mexican food, and hamburgers. These are things we do better than pretty much everyone. Enjoy them.
If you like beer, checkout our booming craft beer industry. Over the last decade or so the US has gone through a sort of beer renaissance. Unlike the past, US breweries now produce some of the most sought after beer anywhere in the world.”

#11. Don’t flyover.

“If you have time, take a train ride from the east coast through the Midwest. The US IS HUGE. Seeing it by train is great.”

#10. A horrifying moment.

“DO NOT try and bribe the cops if you get pulled over.

That was a horrifying moment courtesy of a foreign exchange student.”

#9. No details required.

“Hi how are you” , “how’s it going”, and “hey what’s up” are just greetings. Feel free to just say hey in return it doesn’t necessarily warrant a legitimate response.”

#8. Fall in love.

“Try root beer. I’ve heard it’s virtually unheard of outside the US and many foreigners will try it and either fall in love or hate it. For some reason, this is fascinating to me.

Also, barbecue.”

#7. Personal space.

“Pleeeeeeease respect personal space. Americans have a concept of personal space that some countries do not. While some Americans are understanding, most are not, and having someone stand close enough to touch you accidentally is often unnerving.”

#6. Very good advice.

“If someone tries to put their mixtape in your hand, promptly return it and decline.”

#5. Try this.

“If you’re driving and need to fuel up and you’re using presumably a non-US credit card at a pump, try using 00000 or 99999 when it asks for your zip code to confirm the purchase. It doesn’t work at all gas stations, but enough to try it so that you might avoid having to go inside to prepay.”

#4. Be ready.

“Be ready for directness and prolonged eye contact. To Americans traveling abroad, be ready for the opposite.”

#3. Taxes.

“The price you see on an item in a Store is not the real price.

Each city, county, and state have different taxes on different things, and they are tabulated at check out. So (generally) expect the total price to be 3-10% more expensive than the sticker price.

This is because the US does not have a standard VAT tax or a GST, they have a web of Sales Tax, beverage tax, soda tax, gas/petrol tax, luxury tax and other taxes all at different rates.

For example, Delaware has zero sales tax whereas neighbouring Maryland has a 6% sales tax

Pennsylvania also has a 6% sales tax, but Philadelphia has an additional 2% sales tax on top of the State, making their sales tax 8%

So don’t panic, you’re not being ripped off, they just don’t tell you the true price until the end.”

#2. Still massive.

“Portion sizes in restaurants. Born and raised in Oregon and the portions are still massive.”

#1. Bring the cash.

“Travel within the US is pretty expensive compared to Europe. LA to NYC is around $300-500 dollars. LA to SF is around $100. It makes sense since it’s quite a large piece of land. So if you’re gonna vacation here, it’s probably best to focus on certain areas rather than trying to see the whole country.”

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9+ Psychologists Reveal the Scariest Session They’ve Ever Had

If, like me, you’ve ever wondered if therapists hear some truly crazy stuff in their sessions, this is definitely the post for you. In truth, most of these stories are scarier than my wildest imagination.

#15. Call the police.

“Im no longer a marriage counselor,but I once had a couple who brought pistols to their first session, and insisted on pointing them at each other in order to “keep the conversation from getting out of hand”.

Scared, i played along, and then instructed my staff to call the police if they ever showed up again.”

#14. Legitimately concerned.

“I work as a community-based social worker but I have my masters in mental health counseling so I consider my sessions to be “counseling informed.”

Disclaimer out of the way, I visit all of my clients in their homes at least once a month. Many of them live in low income housing and in pretty bad neighborhoods. Many of them struggle with their basic living skills like cleaning their apartment. Head on over to r/neckbeardnests to get an idea of what that looks like. Also, some of clients have had bed bugs so that makes meeting them a bit more challenging.

So the scariest session that I ever had happened earlier this year. My client in question was addicted to crack and he had connected himself to a pretty dangerous dealer. The dealer originally let him have a bunch of crack for free, then said that my client owed him. To force him to pay, he took my client’s key to his apartment so that he could come in and out as he pleased and sell my client’s stuff. At one point my client told me that he even brought a prostitute and made use of her services in my client’s bedroom while my client was in the living room.

Anyway, during one of my sessions, he came into my client’s apartment. I was in the same room as a very intimidating, tall, muscular, crack dealer who was not above threatening my client and stealing his stuff. I was legitimately concerned that I was going to be shot at some point during the session or as I left. The only thing going for me was that I don’t think he knew that I knew who he was since my client only greeted him by name and not by his occupation (I just happened to know his name from previous conversations with my client).

Luckily, I did not get shot. I started meeting my client with other people from then on. Never saw the dealer again but he at least seemed friendly. I would have assumed he was a decent guy if I didn’t know anything about him.”

#13. All around.

“I’ve been a provider of psychiatric care for 13 years and my most interesting episode got a lot of attention on Reddit so I’ll be careful to toe the line.

This patient had been in and out of our center on multiple occasions always linked to failing to consistently take medication for delusional schizophrenia.

He is now under 24 hour “care” after sexually assaulting a man while he (the patient) believed he was Jesus Christ. The patient claimed he believed the man was dressed as a religious woman who wanted his (Jesus’s) advances. He claimed he was shocked when the man revealed that he was actually a public transportation employee.

It was just a bizarre case all around.”

#12. Don’t miss.

“On a psych/prison unit a boy stabbed through his own hand while pressing his hand over a guy’s chest so he wouldn’t miss the guy’s heart.”

#11. No sense of irony or shame.

“Was a counselor at a Psychiatric Hospital for children in my previous career. So many of these stories sound so very familiar.

One patient we had was a 9 year old boy who had been brought in because not only was he sexually acting out in his neighborhood with the other children, but would also torture neighbor animals and frequently break in to neighbors homes just for the sake of doing it. He liked to move stuff around in their houses and then hide in the closet to watch and see their reaction. The first time he was brought to the hospital, he had been caught by the homeowner, and had attempted to set the house on fire when caught by squirting lighter fluid on matches that he’d brought with him “in case he was found out”. One day a fellow staff member and I were asking him and the other patients what they wanted to be when they grew up. Most gave typical answers like baseball player or policeman.

When it came to this kids turn, without missing a beat he said “I want to be a rapist.” He said it with no sense of irony, or shame.

There’s that scene in Halloween where Dr. Loomis says looking into Michael Meyers eyes that there was nothing behind them other than evil. I understood what he meant that afternoon.”

#10. The lights went out.

“Not me, but my wife. She used to work in an adult prison and had been meeting with an inmate who had an extensive history of assaulting staff. While she was meeting with the inmate alone in a room, the lights went out. The inmate was closer to the door and no one came by to check on her until the lights came on 10+ minutes later.

She also had been working with an inmate who swallowed a razor right in front of her…”

#9. Avoid the usual way.

“A friend of mine, who is a clinical psychologist, recently had this patient. She conducted the initial interview during which they touched upon some interesting topics. The guy was trying to explain to her his theory about the goverment. It was the usual – lizard people, mind control, chemicals in the water that make you gay… A couple of days later, a colegue of hers told her she’s “in the system” . Being in the system means you became a part of the paranoid delusion and play a role in it. Long story short the patient said that she knew too much and had to be killed. She had to avoid the usual way to work for a couple of days while they hospitalized him.”

#8. Security!

“Second hand account from a friend, she was a grad student not prof at the time, I’m sure still violated HIPPA telling me, but whatever…

She was running someone through a study, normal script based, do something, collect your 20$ at the end for answering some questions on tape kinda thing.

Said a girl went through and seemed off. At first she thought the girl was flirting with her as she answered the questions, but then they started to become further and further from what she was asking, and eventually the girl was talking about her boyfriend, said something like, “we should all get together” then went from that idea to “you’re trying to steal him from me” and by the end was threatening my friend that she’d track her down and “make sure she can’t steal him” afterward.

Anyways, she said this whole thing took place over about 5 minutes, the last bits she had already called an end to the session and the girl just wouldn’t go. She had to call campus security to get the girl to go, then she said she didn’t feel safe for a long time.”

#7. Would not be convinced.

“Had to treat a mom who thought a neighbor family was responsible for her son being taken away. So she burned their house down. They had no idea who she was……she had previously had a daughter removed from her care and when her son was taken, she just lost it and set the fire. Would not be convinced that this family had never met her but yeah, started to really understand why her kids were taken….”

#6. A not-so-zen weekend.

“Technically confidentiality was already breached on this, so here goes… I was a young counselor just starting an internship with a new site. I had maybe 100 direct hours under my belt at this point when I start seeing a couple. Couples counseling, but girlfriend is sick of the cheating and just wants the breakup to be amicable. We get two sessions, but the guy is still in the mindset of saving the relationship.

The next weekend I head into the mountains (and out of cell range) for a short camping trip. As we’re driving back into town, my phone predictably starts chiming in rapid succession, but some forwarded messages are from the male in the relationship. He threatens me, then threatens murder suicide on his partner, and would answer when I called. We stopped in the next town and I had to call my supervisor for guidance. Called authorities and requested a safety check on both parties.

No one was hurt. Girlfriend got out of town and went to stay with a friend during a fight which I think is what sparked the threats. He must have just come to terms with the possibility of losing her. So yeah that was a super jarring thing after an otherwise zen weekend in the mountains.”

#5. That was concerning.

“Was working in a state psychiatric hospital and was called to a behavioral emergency. I saw seasoned mental health technicians walking away from the room in question with shocked looks on their faces, which was concerning. I walked into this patient’s room and saw that she had bitten a chunk out of her body and was in the process of chewing and swallowing it when I walked in. She had blood dripping from her chin.”

#4. No panic buttons.

“I used to manage clinical trials for some bigger name places…one of the last trials I managed required working with folks with schizophrenia who were not on medication. To be fair, this story is NOT typical of those folks, and I don’t want to stereotype them, but I’m just saying this to explain the behavior in this instance. The study involved 3-4 visits totaling 10-12 hours with these folks, so I got to know them fairly well. My portion involved an extensive clinical/diagnostic assessment and some other computerized tasks, so all told I spent 4ish hours alone with them (the rest was taking them to other providers/appts for the study). This all occurred in a room that (A) didn’t have a panic alarm and (B) where I was not closest to the door, which are two big no-nos. I did bring it up when I first started but was younger, naive, and figured the odds of something happening in this context was low.

I worked with upwards of 120 people and heard all kinds of stuff, like a little old lady who described her vivid hallucinations of people being cut up into pieces, slaughtering others, etc. just as calmly as she talked about her love of scrapbooking. None of this stuff ever bothered me, largely because even when people describe stuff like that there are so many other indicators to tell you whether or not they’re dangerous, and most of the time they’re not. Several others were pretty terrified of the other portions of the study (not disclosing, but people without schizophrenia were afraid of it, so it was normal) but were so compelled to help our research so others wouldn’t have to feel the way they felt that it was inspiring.

Then I had one who was incredibly obsessive. I didn’t spend enough time with her to figure out if this was separate from or a part of her schizophrenia, but she ended up pinning me in the corner, grilling me in an aggressive-but-crying manner about why I kept asking her to come back to these appointments but didn’t want to date her (she had NEVER mentioned this until this point). Again, no panic buttons, no way out. I’m a small guy and she was taller and much larger than me. Thankfully her mom came to pick her up a little early and it saved my ass. But it happened in a matter of a minute or less and that’s what scared me most.

Suffice to say I told my supervisor I would NOT be continuing that study until he rearranged the clinic so I was closest to the door and we had a panic button/protocol in place.”

#3. Done.

“I’ll post a few.

Two schizophrenics both thought they were Jesus in a pod and it came down to a holy throw down over who was Jesus and who was the blasphemer.

Routine inmate check (where I ask how everyone was doing, any thoughts of hurting themselves or others, and such) I had a bunch out in the air room (like a half basketball court that was open for inmates to get there hour) and I walk out side with the guard behind me. Right as I make it out the power kicks off and the door auto shuts with me out with 6 people. Now it was a moment of panic. Us all standing there, them looking at each other. 100% thought I was gona get messed up. Trying to figure out if I could use a clip board as a weapon. I just blurted out “line up so we can get this done so no ones time gets wasted, I’m sure they will still count this as you being out”. They all lined up and did my checks. By the last one the power kicked on and a full team in riot gear was there. I learned the battery backup had died on the door and was scheduled to be replaced. Because it was dead dead they couldn’t manually open it either or something. I didn’t stay much longer.

Last one, was the only case of dissociative identity disorder I’ve ever come across….well came across legitimately. I’ve ran into a few that said they had it, or had tried to use them to get out of a dui, assault. Those kind of things. Never one with a stick of peeper work except this one. Diagnosed by court evaluation. Now this is special cause this was my last day and I left after this. She’s Just in jail waiting like 3 days to be transported to a mental health facility. Attacked about a dozen people. Little 90 lb girl. Messed up a couple guards real bad. Well it comes down to onlyindef to go check on her cause she’s been acting “weird”….so okay, grab like 3 guards to go check on her in a suicide cell. Where there’s nothing but a little tunic. Well look through the glass can’t see nothing. First guard walks through after the door opens. Looks around confused…I’m just walking through the door as he points up and gasps. I flip around and she’s fucking scary move status up in the corner. Like up by the fucking ceiling with hair over her face. Like 100% horror movie status. So what to do? I go “ (clients name) do you want to come down and talk?” Expecting crying girl or shaky arms to give out. Silence for a minute. Now here’s the part where people don’t believe me. Thats fine. She looks out from under her hair after a long silence and just says in a exorcist sounding voice “clients name isn’t here, only me”. Now you ask what did I do? I stared for about 30 more seconds and did what any good therapist did and said “ sorry wrong cell” and walked the fuck out. I asked the desk sergeant how long she’d been up there, he said a couple hours. I walked out and went home. Done. Ain’t messing with nothing like that. Out of my scope of abilities. Someone with way bigger degree needed to handle that. I was later told by another staff member, that she had dislodged both shoulders and wedged herself up there.

Edit: cleared up a couple typos. I’m okay with the rest.”

#2. Vacant staring.

“I had a patient become preoccupied with me and use explicit language and imagery about me in front of other patients. They were convinced that they had witnessed me perform sexual acts on others and reported it to the entire group all while maintaining a flat (emotionless) affect. Then they asked me how much it would cost to have me perform oral sex on them. The frustrating part of the entire situation was they had become violent with another clinician while they were in our care previously. I’m not sure why they were allowed to return as this specific behavior only manifests at our particular location (records do not mention this happening elsewhere). I was incredibly scared due to our size differences and just the complete lack of any affect plus the vacant staring. Ugh.”

#1. No fun.

“I worked with bahavioral students for a while. I think the most disturbing was one kid who grabbed a pair of scissors in each hand and proceeded to run around the room threatening other kids. Once I had him cornered and the room evacuated I managed to get them away from him, thats when he grabbed a pencil and lodged it in to my arm. Attachment disorders aren’t fun folks.”

The post 9+ Psychologists Reveal the Scariest Session They’ve Ever Had appeared first on UberFacts.

12 Lessons Passed down from Child-To-Child Without Help from Adults

Which flavor popsicle tastes the best. Which swing on the playground goes the highest. Where to meet up after dark to go hunting for ghosts. There are certain things that you can only learn before the age of twelve – and certain things you can only learn from other kids while the adults remain adorably clueless.

#12. Break your mother’s back.

“Don’t step on the lines.”

#11. Jingle bells.

“Jingle bells Batman smells”

#10. When I was young.

“How to make one of those origami fortune teller things.

I’m not sure if kids still do it, but when I was young how to fold a single page note into an envelope to give to a friend.”

#9. Eeny meeny.

“Methods to decide who is “it”. Bubble gum, bubble gum in a dish.

Eeny meany miney moe. Etc.”

#8. I died laughing.

“As an elementary school kid from 89-96 when talking about our boy parts we refferred to them as “Nards”. I am 14 years older than one of my brothers and when he was in the 3rd grade he was telling a story about how ball hit him in his “Nards”. I died laughing that day as I had totally forgot about calling them that.”

#7. Definitely go ask.

“That if one parent says no, definitely go ask the other parent to see if they’ll say yes.”

#6. Buy me a coke.

“That you yell “Jinx!” when you say something at the same time as someone. May also involve counting to ten and proclaiming that the other person owes you a coke.”

#5. Pea green soup.

“I always knew it as various prompts. You’d prompt someone to repeat the same phrase in response to you. So for example, pea green soup.

“What’d you have for breakfast.”

“Pea green soup”

“What’d you have for lunch?

“pea green soup”

What’d you have for dinner?”

“pea green soup”

“What’d you have for a snack?”

“Pea green soup”

“What’d you do all night?

“Pea green soup”

giggles”

#4. No one was told.

“That when you’re in the car and it’s raining, you watch raindrops run down the windows and pretend they’re racing each other. No one was told to do this. Yet somehow everyone did.”

#3. MASH.

“The MASH (Mansion, Apartment, Shack, House) game to predict our futures haha.”

#2. The right way.

“Waving pencils the right way makes them look rubbery.”

#1. That one thing.

“That thing where you wiggle your middle fingers upside down? Anybody know what I’m talking about? Where you put your hands together and it’s like some Egyptian seeming thing?”

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12+ People Dish on What Temptation Is Totally Not Worth Giving in To

There are a million little things that tempt us every day, and some are easier to resist than others. Case and point, I just ate FIVE homemade chocolate chip cookies in lieu of lunch.

It was totally worth it.

These 15 things may not be, though, so take heed!

#15. Forever wiped out.

“Taking advantage of someone close to you, it could be financially, emotionally (underrated), sexually or any variety. That moment of “gain” can be forever wiped out by the opportunity to have a friend or a family member there for you in a bigger moment of need.”

#14. Are you sure?

“Eating an entire bag of Doritos in one sitting.”

#13. That might change.

“The concept of a “hall pass” when married.

Had a buddy who found that one out the hard way. Your SO might say they are fine with it, but that might change in a damn hurry.”

#12. No changing opinions.

“Arguing politics on reddit. Nobody goes online to have their opinions changed. It doesn’t matter how carefully prepared and eloquent your argument is.”

#11. Worth so much more.

“Avoiding holidays and trips and expensive treats simply because you’re scared of parting with your money.

Saving your money is awesome. Good on you for doing that. But it is SO IMPORTANT to spend a little of that money on yourself. Go away on a road trip. Pay to have your parents fly down to visit for Christmas. Buy yourself some fancy whiskey and drink it whenever you feel like it. Don’t hide it away at parties, hoping for a ‘more special’ occasion to pop up one day. Don’t be afraid to spend that money on yourself sometimes.

Experiences are worth so much more than what you pay for them.

My partner is obsessed with buying a house before we’re too old to pay off a mortgage (his dad lives in self-caused poverty). I am obsessed with travelling and experiencing life before we’re too old to enjoy the more extreme stuff (my parents never did anything or went anywhere). We both know what the shit ends of the spectrum look like, so we’ve met halfway and we are saving so we can do both. We go on roadtrips every year for our anniversary, and we put money aside in our savings for a house too. You gotta find that happy medium.”

#10. On marriage.

“The “told you so” on your spouse. Like 99.9% of the time it’s not worth it. If you have to do it, do it with a look only, trust me on this.”

#9. Full stop.

“Brake testing someone who’s up your ass when you’re going 85 on the motorway.”

#8. Outweighs the rest.

“The feeling of reconnecting with your ex. Those sweet and happy memories.. but s/he is not worth of your time anymore. All those damage and pain s/he brought to you in the past outweighs the rest.”

#7. It catches up to me.

“An unhealthy lifestyle. Sure it might be easy to eat like shit and not exercise regularly, but it catches up to you really fast. It’s also hard to change your lifestyle after you get stuck in that rut.”

#6. Your own problems.

“Blaming other people for your own problems.”

#5. You might not recover.

“When you’re trying to change your lifestyle (changing your diet or activities) and you decide to ‘treat yourself’ to a taste of what you used to do, just to see if it’s still tempting.

It is. And you might not recover from a slip up like that. There’s a good chance that it’ll cement your decision and you’ll grow from it, but there’s also a greater chance that you’ll recede from the progress you’ve made.”

#4. Long story short.

“Calling your boss all the names you fantasize about. It can be so so tempting, but even if it is your last day on the job and you are never going to see them again, they can still impact your career years or even decades down the line. Knew a guy who told his mechanic boss to suck himself sideways on the last day. Well, turns out new boss was old boss’s friend. Didn’t even get to start his first day before he was fired.

Long story short, don’t mess with people who can end your career.”

#3. Last call.

“That “last call” drink. I’ve never woken up from a night out drinking and thought, “wow! I’m so glad I had that tequila shot right before bed!”

#2. Just don’t.

“Scratching at a healing tattoo.”

#1. They thought it was so cool.

“I think for most people it’s smoking. Lots of my friends got into it because they thought it was so cool when they were teenagers.”

The post 12+ People Dish on What Temptation Is Totally Not Worth Giving in To appeared first on UberFacts.

12 People Reveal the One Lesson They Had to Learn the Hard Way

Some lessons, like not touching a hot stove and looking both ways before crossing the street, can be taught and learned with only a brief discussion. Others are best learned on one’s own, no matter how hard the results can be to stomach.

These 12 people reveal the ones they wouldn’t have learned as well any other way.

#12. Doesn’t forget.

“The tax man doesn’t simply forget you exist.”

#11. Once a cheater…

“If she cheats on her ex for you, she’ll cheat on you for someone else.”

#10. Sensitivity.

“Icy Hot is not meant for your sensitive areas.”

#9. Not forever.

“As much as you love someone, and as much as they love you, your relationship can still end.
You can be the wrong people for one another, but still in love.
You can be the right people for each other, but under the wrong circumstances.
And you can be the perfect people for each other, but only for a certain amount of time, not forever.”

#8. Advice for men.

“Wash your hands after eating hot wings before taking a piss.”

#7. Never again.

“I was a little kid and wondered what it would be like to be stung by a hornet. I saw a hornet. Touched its backside.

Never again.”

#6. You can’t change a person.

“That you can’t change a person, they have to want to change themselves.”

#5. A lot harder.

“It’s a lot harder to fix something than it is to avoid breaking it. (Read: it’s a lot easier to be frugal than to get out of debt; it’s a lot easier to develop healthy habits (e.g. eating well, exercise) when you’re young and healthy than to try to change your habits after you’ve developed health problems and your metabolism has slowed; it’s a lot easier to be honest in a relationship than to try to fix a breach of trust. All of those “it’s easier” things are super hard, but the alternatives suck a lot more.)”

#4. Checking temperatures.

“To see if an iron is still hot, hold your hand an inch or two away from it.

6-year-old me put my palm flat against it.”

#3. Just in case.

“Bring an extra pair of glasses (or contacts) with you on vacation in case you lose or break them.”

#2. There are no words.

“Toothpaste isn’t a good lube.”

#1. Questioning everything.

“The intricacies of the female cycle.

I had just moved in with my girlfriend.

I had come from a home where everything was always pristine, we had a housekeeper, everything was always in its place and clean.

My girlfriend did not. She’s messy, but cleans eventually.

Now, as a man I understand the basics of what happens during that time of the month, but I never thought about it at all.

The first weekend we were moved in together, it was that time. What I didn’t know what that when she buys her tampons, she also gets her hair dye, and does it once a month.

Now, all women and most men have probably caught on that she is NOT a natural red head. Now, periods I knew a little about but hair dye? Absolutely nothing.

I walked into our bathroom after what would be the first of many monthly rituals, and I gagged. I looked around horrified, and then threw up.

What I saw: Dark red. Red in the shower, red toilet paper in the garbage, red all over the shower.

What she saw: Me throwing up, doubled over, questioning everything.

“I don’t understand?! The shower…gag…the shower walls?! gag Were you spinning around?! WHY ARE THERE GLOVES?!”

This was followed by her laughing hysterically for…it’s been 13 years now. I still have not lived that down.

TL;DR: Thought my GF became Carrie once a month.”

The post 12 People Reveal the One Lesson They Had to Learn the Hard Way appeared first on UberFacts.

15 People Reveal the Hardest Thing They Had to Tell Their Parents

Serious talks with the ‘rents can be hard on everyone involved but I gotta say, these 15 heart-to-hearts would have been a doozy from either side.

#15. Parent your parent.

“To my widowed mom: that if she didn’t start using the internet safely (she fell victim to romance scams twice) and stop sending money she doesn’t have to strangers online (she’s definitely on a fixed income), I’d get power of attorney over her and her finances. Sucks having to parent your parent.”

#14. I had to tell my parents.

“One morning i got a call from a police officer who told me the that my sister was found dead in her apartment and that she apparently died of a heroin overdose. She was living in another city and i hadn’t spoken to her for 2 or 3 weeks. We knew she was addicted but went through recovery and was doing fine, back in her job and had her live on track for nearly a year.

I can’t even remember the words or what exactly he hold me because it swept me right of my feet. I just told him to hold on, please hold on i need to find a chair and suddenly my husband was there and talking to the man on the phone. I then had to tell my parents. We drove over and my mother was alone in the kitchen and i internally screamed because my dad wasn’t there. He had a small workshop and went there in the morning. So i told my mother and she just dropped onto the floor with the most horrific scream i ever heard from my mom. I then walked over to the workshop because i didn’t wanted to tell my dad over the phone. I just said her name and he knew, he fucking knew right away and he just held me while we both cried and then we went back to my mom.

Yeah that was a real shitty day. It’s been 7 years since i lost my sister and i still go through severe depression the weeks leading up to the date of her death.”

#13. Seemingly normal.

“That their seemingly normal infant grandson had a terminal disorder and had maybe four years to live.”

#12. I wasn’t supposed to know.

“That I had known for ten years about the half sibling I wasn’t supposed to know about.

Edit: wow, it’s nice knowing this isn’t uncommon. I was pretty broken up about it way back when my sister I grew up with spilled the beans. It took me so long to bring it up because at the time, she asked me not to tell our mother that she told me, and I didn’t want to betray her.

I never made contact. I thought about it a lot, still do, but I’ve battled some serious depression in my life and if it went badly it might be bad for my mental health. So I let it be.”

#11. Work up the courage.

“When I was 17 I had to work up the courage to tell my mom I didn’t think my penis worked correctly (I had no feeling due to an extreme bend). It was such a hard topic to talk about with my mother, but I’m glad I did. About 2 years, 30 doctor’s visits, and one surgery later, I had a working penis ?

Edit: Have, it still works. It just doesn’t get much use lol.”

#10. Total shock.

“My ex and I of 10 years amicably split up 3 months before our wedding date. When we told my parents together, I’m 100% positive they were expecting us to tell them she was pregnant. Total shock from them.”

#9. 10,000 miles away.

“That I had cancer. I live overseas and I know how much my parents miss me, I can only imagine how they felt while I was 10,000 miles away battling it.

I tried to be super positive about it. Mom only wanted to hear as much as was necessary, Dad kept on talking about all the ways I could die or could go wrong(his way of working out a situation).

Cancer free for six months now though!

Edit: blown away that this took off and to see all the congratulatory messages. Thank you.

I shared it with my mom whose first concern was that they weren’t present enough and made me feel i was battling it on my own, but I assured her that they were the most supportive parents and did everything they could given the distance.

I love them a whole lot.”

#8. Less than a month.

“I had to tell my mother she had less than a month to live.”

#7. Wailing the heartbreak.

“My younger sister’s husband called me to tell me that the baby that my sister, his wife, was carrying had died in utero. He asked me in between sobs to call my parents because my sister wanted everyone to come to the hospital before she was put into induced labour to give birth to her stillborn daughter.

So I called my parents, who were in a cafe. First thing my Mum said, naturally (considering what day it was), was ‘Happy Birthday, Janie!’

There was no way to break the news nicely, so I just told her that sister and sister’s husband’s baby had been stillborn and we were all to meet them at the hospital. I’ll never forget the sounds of my Mum wailing with heartbreak in our local cafe.”

#6. Guilt incarnate.

“Mom, we’re moving you out of your house into a home. (Guilt incarnate)”

#5. Everyone suffers.

“It’s me dad, your son”.

Having a parent who suffers from Alzheimer’s is fucking heartbreaking.”

#4. It broke my heart.

“That my sister was spreading lies about the family to her friends to get attention and pity. She told them things like “Step-dad hits mum and because he’s a [job title] they cover it up for him”, “I’m actually a twin but he died when we were 6 weeks old” some were so horrible, all about being abused and how my family was rich but she never got money/food/adequate shelter because we hate her so much.

I watched their faces go from confused to angry to sad it broke my heart.”

#3. The perfect couple.

“That my husband beat the crap out of me then went to bed and overdosed on pain pills. They thought we were the perfect couple.”

#2. Terrified for weeks.

“Telling my parents I flunked out of college was the hardest thing for me. I was terrified for weeks.”

#1. It was true.

“Got home from school and my mom had already received a phone call from my principal. I had to tell her it was true, my teacher had been touching me.”

The post 15 People Reveal the Hardest Thing They Had to Tell Their Parents appeared first on UberFacts.

12 People Confess What Song Always Brings Them to Tears

You know you’ve got one, too. For me, it’s A Drop in the Ocean by Ron Pope and Everything Changes by Sara Barellies. Check them – or one of these 12 – out the next time you need a good cry in the shower (or anywhere, really)!

#12. Too many memories.

“If It Means A Lot To You by A Day To Remember

Too many memories I don’t want to remember.”

#11. Someone I love.

“All I want by Kodaline

Remindes me of someone I love before.”

#10. Melancholy.

“I’ll Follow You Into the Dark by Death Cab for Cutie.”

#9. Hallelujah.

“Hallelujah by Jeff Buckley.”

#8. Tear trigger.

“Cats in the Cradle – Harry Chapin Lost my dad to a car accident early in my life. I have a wonderful life still thanks to my mom but this song automatically triggers tears and I can’t seem to quite rationalize why.”

#7. Heartbreak.

“For me its Terrible Things by Mayday Parade because my mom passed :(“

#6. But not the friends.

“Pictures of you by the cure. I have a few great memories and pictures but not the friends that go with them anymore.”

#5. It’s complicated.

“I Can’t Make You Love Me – Bon Iver….things are complicated right now in my love life.”

#4. A lot of pain.

“When i was like 7/8 I went to hug my sleeping dog basil who was about 14, he was a Rhodesian Ridgeback, anyway he bit me cause I think I must’ve woke him my mum took him to the vets cause she thought something was wrong and it turned out he had cancer, I can’t remember what kind exactly but apparently he was in a lot pain and we couldn’t even tell, so we had to have him put to sleep that evening. On our way back from the vets The Frays “How to save a life” played, it was first time I ever heard it now whenever I hear that song I always cry.”

#3. There were so many of us.

“Blink 182 – Adam’s Song

It’s sad, it’s emo, it’s teenage angsty bullshit. But there were so many of us that felt that way. And so many of us didn’t have anyone to talk to about it, and didn’t know how to properly cope with it. There didn’t really seem to be a light at the end of the tunnel.

This song made me realize how truly fucked up suicide would be, and the extent to which it would hurt everyone around me.”

#2. The best I’ve ever had.

“Maybe stereotypical and cliché, but Mad World.

“The dreams in which I’m dying are the best I’ve ever had”

#1. Relatable.

“How To Disappear Completely by Radiohead. Mostly while I was struggling with alcoholism and drug addiction. Since I’ve been clean and sober for 2 years now I only relate to it if I’m feeling particularly down or sad.”

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