A Guy Compared Scraped Knees to Period Pain, Gets Obliterated

There are plenty of sympathetic men who do their best to put themselves in the shoes of the ladies in their lives, and who would never, ever trivialize the pain a woman feels once a month, every month, for decades.

And that’s not even mentioning childbirth.

Even less “woke” men are aware that dismissing period pain is off-limits – at least, if you want to stay in your wife or girlfriend’s good graces – which means it takes a special kind of insensitivity to try to convince all of Twitter that your skinned knees are as bad as the cramps your monthly visitor brings along in her suitcase.

But that’s exactly what @_sargee tweeted, accompanied by a soccer player (presumably not him) sliding on his knees on turf..

He had to know what he was in for, right? And he was looking to ruffle feathers or start a fight?

That’s my story, because I just don’t see how anyone could be this un-ironically obtuse.

Also…women athletes experience skinned knees all the time? And so does every child who plays outside in the summer?

I mean. Yeah. Boom.

Sorry not sorry.

It wasn’t just women blasting him, either.

Yeah, something like that.

Sarcasm warranted.

An undisputed fact.

And we can just leave this last little observation right here.

Please tweet responsibly, my friends. You don’t want to find yourself in the crosshairs.

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These Things Have No Reason to Exist, and yet Somehow They Do

I’m talking about those little annoying things you run into on a daily basis and think, “Why, in this day and age, am I still dealing with this sh*t?”

Below are 15 perfect examples of stuff we just shouldn’t have to face anymore.

#15. Whyyyyy!!

“For Christmas my dad got me a bluetooth frisbee that’s supposed to connect to your phone and play music. It doesn’t make any sense to me why this thing seemed like a good idea to make. Its heavy, it sounds like crap, you’re supposed to throw this speaker that supposedly playing music you like away from you when you get it + it’s limited on how far you can throw it because it’s connected to your phone. Also it’s hard to carry because it’s so big so it wouldn’t even be fun to bring anywhere even if you need a bluetooth speaker. Whyyy!!

*edits *Thank you kind stranger for the silver *edited first sentence for clarity (it plays whatever you tell it to not just Christmas music) *For those who asked for a link, here it is they must have known it was terrible because it’s marketed as a flying sound disc instead of a frisbee. *RIP my inbox TIL frisbee is a trademark of Wham-O?”

#14. False advertising.

“Fake Youtube Pranks and Youtube Video Clickbait

These videos are monetized so the creators are making $$$ off of False Advertising.”

#13. Brains, man.

“Depression.

My brain: “hate yourself”

Me: “but why?”

My brain: “just do it.”

Edit: oh wow my first silver. Cool!

Edit 2: now I’ve got 1 of everything! Can’t wait to pass these onto others! Thank you!”

#12. Nope.

“sushi at gas stations.”

#11. Koala rant incoming

“Koalas.

Here’s the copypasta:

Koalas are fucking horrible animals. They have one of the smallest brain to body ratios of any mammal, additionally – their brains are smooth. A brain is folded to increase the surface area for neurons. If you present a koala with leaves plucked from a branch, laid on a flat surface, the koala will not recognise it as food. They are too thick to adapt their feeding behaviour to cope with change. In a room full of potential food, they can literally starve to death. This is not the token of an animal that is winning at life.

Speaking of stupidity and food, one of the likely reasons for their primitive brains is the fact that additionally to being poisonous, eucalyptus leaves (the only thing they eat) have almost no nutritional value. They can’t afford the extra energy to think, they sleep more than 80% of their fucking lives.

When they are awake all they do is eat, shit and occasionally scream like fucking satan. Because eucalyptus leaves hold such little nutritional value, koalas have to ferment the leaves in their guts for days on end. Unlike their brains, they have the largest hind gut to body ratio of any mammal.

Many herbivorous mammals have adaptations to cope with harsh plant life taking its toll on their teeth, rodents for instance have teeth that never stop growing, some animals only have teeth on their lower jaw, grinding plant matter on bony plates in the tops of their mouths, others have enlarged molars that distribute the wear and break down plant matter more efficiently…

Koalas are no exception, when their teeth erode down to nothing, they resolve the situation by starving to death, because they’re fucking terrible animals. Being mammals, koalas raise their joeys on milk (admittedly, one of the lowest milk yields to body ratio… There’s a trend here). When the young joey needs to transition from rich, nourishing substances like milk, to eucalyptus (a plant that seems to be making it abundantly clear that it doesn’t want to be eaten), it finds it does not have the necessary gut flora to digest the leaves. To remedy this, the young joey begins nuzzling its mother’s anus until she leaks a little diarrhoea (actually fecal pap, slightly less digested), which he then proceeds to slurp on. This partially digested plant matter gives him just what he needs to start developing his digestive system. Of course, he may not even have needed to bother nuzzling his mother.

She may have been suffering from incontinence. Why? Because koalas are riddled with chlamydia. In some areas the infection rate is 80% or higher. This statistic isn’t helped by the fact that one of the few other activities koalas will spend their precious energy on is rape. Despite being seasonal breeders, males seem to either not know or care, and will simply overpower a female regardless of whether she is ovulating.

If she fights back, he may drag them both out of the tree, which brings us full circle back to the brain: Koalas have a higher than average quantity of cerebrospinal fluid in their brains. This is to protect their brains from injury… should they fall from a tree. An animal so thick it has its own little built in special ed helmet. I fucking hate them.

Tldr; Koalas are stupid, leaky, STI riddled sex offenders. But, hey. They look cute. If you ignore the terrifying snake eyes and terrifying feet.”

#10. More harm than good.

“ticks. those fuckers carry around lyme disease and only a select few animals sometimes eat them. they cause much more harm than good.”

#9. Anything Gwyneth Paltrow sells.

“Pretty much anything Gwyneth Paltrow sells on her website.”

#8. California’s largest lake.

“The Salton Sea, California’s largest lake.

The most recent inflow of water from the now heavily controlled Colorado River was accidentally created by the engineers of the California Development Company in 1905. In an effort to increase water flow into the area for farming, irrigation canals were dug from the Colorado River into the valley. The canals suffered silt buildup, so a cut was made in the bank of the Colorado River to further increase the water flow. The resulting outflow overwhelmed the engineered canal, and the river flowed into the Salton Basin for two years, filling the historic dry lake bed and creating the modern sea, before repairs were completed.

The sea has occurred naturally several times in the past, but its current iteration is an accident.”

#7. Another way.

“Periods/Vaginal Bleeding. The universe could have figured out another way. It could only bleed when going pee, that would be awesome.”

#6. By a child.

“That weird font in android phones that looks like its drawn by a child.”

#5. Impossible to peel off.

“Cheap ass paper stickers on new products that are impossible to peel off.”

#4. Why did they even have that lever?

“That lever Kronk pulls when Yzma tells him to “pull the lever!” Why did they even have that lever?”

#3. Awful.

“Those super bright headlights that temporarily blind you if you’re going opposite ways or continuously blind you if they are driving behind you. Awful.”

#2. Oddly specific.

“Velvet Pumpkins with real stems

Just…why?”

#1. Big drama queens.

“Allergies. Fuck em. Biggest over reaction by the human body ever.”

Get on it, science!

The post These Things Have No Reason to Exist, and yet Somehow They Do appeared first on UberFacts.

40+ of the Best Puns on the Internet

These really are the best!

And by best I mean worst. In the awesome-est possible way.

#19. All good.

expalin puns from pun

#18. Trying a bit too hard, but I’ll allow it.

#17. Totally.

#16. Don’t we all.

#15. A few for the price of one.

#14. Appropriate for church.

#13. So hard.

#12. Everyone knows that.

#11. It takes a bit to get there but it’s worth it.

#10. It’s a classic for a reason.

#9. So wrong it must be right.

#8. A list worth sharing.

A list of puns from Jokes

#7. Burn.

#6. Not exactly PC, but…

#5. Wait for it.

#4. So many.

#3. Try to keep up.

A mean crook going down stairs = A condescending con, descending. from pun

#2. Ba-dum-ching.

A list of puns from Jokes

#1. Ring it in.

Get out there and make me some new ones, people – there are never enough good puns in the world!

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40+ of the Best Puns on the Internet

These really are the best!

And by best I mean worst. In the awesome-est possible way.

#19. All good.

expalin puns from pun

#18. Trying a bit too hard, but I’ll allow it.

#17. Totally.

#16. Don’t we all.

#15. A few for the price of one.

#14. Appropriate for church.

#13. So hard.

#12. Everyone knows that.

#11. It takes a bit to get there but it’s worth it.

#10. It’s a classic for a reason.

#9. So wrong it must be right.

#8. A list worth sharing.

A list of puns from Jokes

#7. Burn.

#6. Not exactly PC, but…

#5. Wait for it.

#4. So many.

#3. Try to keep up.

A mean crook going down stairs = A condescending con, descending. from pun

#2. Ba-dum-ching.

A list of puns from Jokes

#1. Ring it in.

Get out there and make me some new ones, people – there are never enough good puns in the world!

The post 40+ of the Best Puns on the Internet appeared first on UberFacts.

A Road Trip Expert Plotted Your Perfect Path Through Every National Park in the (Continental) US

Randy Olson is a road trip mastermind, and he’s back with the ultimate road trip through all 47 national parks located in the lower 48 United States. National parks are restricted from development for the preservation or conservation of important land and/or animals, and have been set aside in the States since President Ulysses S. Grant granted Yellowstone the status on March 1, 1872.

The map is an ideal route that leaves out the 12 national parks in Alaska, Hawaii, and other U.S. territories (cause including them it becomes less of a road trip). As with his other maps Olson created this one by plugging the destinations into the Gurobi TSP solver. TSP – the Traveling Salesman Problem – calculates the shortest route between cities while making a loop that has you ending up back where you started.

Image Credit: Randall Olson

He used it to create the ultimate road trip across America, the optimal strategy for finding Waldo (lol), and the ultimate Euro-trip that hits major European monuments.

For this one, Olson suggests setting aside at least 2 months to enjoy the 14,500 miles of driving and all of the sites along the way. Since the route goes in a circle, you can begin at any point you want and find your way back home.

If you’re a national parks enthusiast, you’re going to geek out from the Cascades all the way to the Dry Tortugas, and, for bonus material, the site also points out stops for hundreds of monuments, battlefields, and historic sites you’ll want to check out along the way.

Check out the “Optimal U.S. National Parks Centennial Road Trip” map if this sounds like something calling your name, and make sure to Instagram your trip – I want to see it!

The post A Road Trip Expert Plotted Your Perfect Path Through Every National Park in the (Continental) US appeared first on UberFacts.

A Road Trip Expert Plotted Your Perfect Path Through Every National Park in the (Continental) US

Randy Olson is a road trip mastermind, and he’s back with the ultimate road trip through all 47 national parks located in the lower 48 United States. National parks are restricted from development for the preservation or conservation of important land and/or animals, and have been set aside in the States since President Ulysses S. Grant granted Yellowstone the status on March 1, 1872.

The map is an ideal route that leaves out the 12 national parks in Alaska, Hawaii, and other U.S. territories (cause including them it becomes less of a road trip). As with his other maps Olson created this one by plugging the destinations into the Gurobi TSP solver. TSP – the Traveling Salesman Problem – calculates the shortest route between cities while making a loop that has you ending up back where you started.

Image Credit: Randall Olson

He used it to create the ultimate road trip across America, the optimal strategy for finding Waldo (lol), and the ultimate Euro-trip that hits major European monuments.

For this one, Olson suggests setting aside at least 2 months to enjoy the 14,500 miles of driving and all of the sites along the way. Since the route goes in a circle, you can begin at any point you want and find your way back home.

If you’re a national parks enthusiast, you’re going to geek out from the Cascades all the way to the Dry Tortugas, and, for bonus material, the site also points out stops for hundreds of monuments, battlefields, and historic sites you’ll want to check out along the way.

Check out the “Optimal U.S. National Parks Centennial Road Trip” map if this sounds like something calling your name, and make sure to Instagram your trip – I want to see it!

The post A Road Trip Expert Plotted Your Perfect Path Through Every National Park in the (Continental) US appeared first on UberFacts.

8 Great Facts That Will Send Your Brain Into Overdrive!

Attention! Attention! You will engage in some brain power exercises starting RIGHT NOW.

You’ve been a little lazy lately (haven’t we all?) and it’s time to kick that brain into overdrive!

3…2….1…GO!

1. I did not know that

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2. Disgusting!

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3. A wonderful idea

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4. Survivors

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5. Thank God

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6. Dum Dums

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7. Man of culture

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8. Wow

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Brain power!

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10 Facts That’ll Totally Open Your Eyes

They say you learn something new every day, but just in case you didn’t today, we’ve got you covered!

Here are 10 incredible facts that you can use to smarten up with right now!

1. Let’s be official about it

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2. Wow!

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3. I’d like to see one of those

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4. Doesn’t sound right…

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5. I don’t know if I want one of these…

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6. First Amendment

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7. As they should

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8. Awwwwww

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9. That comma is important

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10. Trippy

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See what I mean?

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8 Great Facts That’ll Put a Smile on Your Face

Some facts will bum you out, like finding out that honey bees are seriously endangered.

These facts, however, are the opposite of that. They will make you smile, maybe even laugh. So let’s get to it!

1. Resting place

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2. It’s easy!

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3. Look at ’em go!

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4. Perfect!

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5. It really does

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6. You better believe it

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7. Love, South Korean style

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8. Think about that

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I saw that frown go upside down…

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15 People Share the One Thing They Can’t Unsee

Have you ever stumbled upon something or witnessed an incident that you really weren’t meant to see – and that you wish you hadn’t?

We all have some of those moments, through no fault of our own.

In this AskReddit article, people share stories about seeing things that they definitely shouldn’t have.

1. Cringey

“Just 2 days ago, at a community pool, a teenage couple who entered into the pool area went into the hot tub. Stood up to stretch my legs and looked over to, well, sex in the hot tub. It was mid day!! I cringed pretty hard… but I laughed even harder when the neighborhood cop showed up.”

2. Almost in the buff

“I once arrived early to pick up a girl for a first date. She was renting a small garden apartment behind a bigger house. It was just after dusk and I walked around the corner. The sliding door was standing open and she was inside walking around, brushing her hair, wearing only her underwear.

She did not see me, so I just walked back around that corner and waited another 10 minutes. When I walked round again she had a dress on. I never told her.

edit: Since a few asked. The date went well. I only got to see her underwear again several weeks later.”

3. Dear Diary…

“When I was about 16, I was snooping in my parent’s wardrobe. Found a diary written by my mother when she was 14 (from the year 1970). Read some beautiful and brilliantly written entries about meeting and dating my dad (who was 16 at the time).

Had to read a little between the lines in some slightly later entries as they were written with such flowery language. In one such entry, all of a sudden she discloses that she’s had an abortion. Performed by my grandfather. An anesthesiologist. She never told anyone.”

4. Oh boy

“I found a suitcase full of dildos under my moms bed when I was 8.”

5. Sad

“My dad’s AA chips. Learned it’s why my parents got divorced. Proud of him for being in recovery though.”

6. Don’t make a sound

“Me and a friend snuck away from a house party at 2am once, we wanted to go to this local abbey. We were exploring the grounds and generally having a nice time when we see two cars stop nearby.

Instinctively we hid in some bushes and witnessed what was clearly a large drug trade.

We definitely were not supposed to see that. We waited for them to finish their business and then we headed back to the party.”

7. My eyes!

“Saw my parents having sex. Scarred me for a good 4 years and I forgot about it until you decided to make me relive the pain.”

8. She knows…

“Found out a relative who everyone believes to be filthy rich and always throws extravagant parties, put his kids in expensive private schools, his wife shopping and eating fine dining, is broke and close to declaring bankruptcy. He’s in deep debt and that he hasn’t paid his bills in months and from what I could see, he owes a loan shark too.

Now, every time I see him post an invite to my mom, I cringe at the thought of him owing more money.

My mom knows, but I never told her, she just knows.”

9. Well, that’s ruined

“David Copperfield show: I was at an angle that allowed me to see the volunteers running out from the stage during a disappearing act.”

10. Nudes

“My mom gave me an old laptop of hers when I was about 13 and I was scrolling through random pics she had left on it of my little brothers football games and then boom, nudes of my mother.”

11. Addicted

“Back in 1997, I started work at a new job and took over the office of a salesman who had recently been fired. I was in IT, using the same computer that had been setup for Sales. My first task was to install all the software I’d need.

The computer hard drive was almost full, so I poked around and found a TON of folders filled with porn. Went to my supervisor, and he said to delete it, warning me that the salesman had been fired for downloading porn.

Over the next few weeks, I kept finding secret porn folders on the the company’s network. Not only had he downloaded enough porn to max out his computer’s HD, he had the network at about 90% capacity.

When I was done deleting all the folders I could find, the server capacity was less than 50%. Dude was seriously addicted to porn.”

12. Cooking the books

“Leaving work late one evening, I saw the HR director and CFO in a dark office shredding papers (no, that’s not an euphemism). I didn’t say anything but quietly walked on down the hall. Two weeks later we were raided by the SEC and several people were charged with cooking the books.”

13. Better call the cops

“Worked for a downtown metropolitan hotel for a long time, and I’ve seen a lot I wasn’t supposed to see. Probably the worst was a kid with an old man.

Checked this guy in at like 1 in the morning (not uncommon because people travel t different times) but he was alone. Like an hour later he asked for something like a towel or blanket. Anyways, dispatched our runner to deliver it. After the runner comes to me and says he thinks something is wrong because he caught a glimpse of someone and the old guy was trying hard to block the entrance.

Being that we were supposed to take stuff like human trafficking seriously, I asked our maintenance to cut his power so we would get a call to come up to try and fix the problem. He does and I go up with him to apologize for the inconvenience because the guy was also a tor tier member. Sure enough we hear a kid in the bathroom hiding.

Tried to ask who the kid was and the old guy tried everything to shut us down from throwing his status around to bribing. Called the cops and let them deal with it.

EDIT: didn’t expect this to gain so much traction. Here’s are some additional info for people that have been asking: I don’t recall the specific charge (or if I was even told so, use your imagination), I don’t know the age of the child (I only saw him briefly one time when the cops showed up), I don’t know the age of the guy, this was in Southern California (as specific as I’d like to be).”

14. The poor pillow

“Back when I was a teenager, we hosted a New Zealander at our house for a couple weeks. Guy gets to our place after the flight, and about 10 minutes later I’m walking around my house to see where he’s at.

The door to his room is partially open, and the dude is laying face down on the bed and HUMPING THE EVERLOVING F*CK out of a pillow. I backed away slowly like Homer when he saw Apu cheating on his wife.

I felt bad for the pillow.”

15. Put it down

“Years ago a colleague had an old smartphone that he brought in to give to another coworker as theirs broke. The phone was sitting on the new owners desk but she hadn’t yet tried it out, as it was still charging after months of not being used.

We were talking about how cool it was with the coworker (smartphones were not widespread yet), and I picked it up to see how it felt in my hand. I pressed a button and the first thing that I saw was a Google search for “lump on anus”. I quickly put the phone back down.

This must have been the last thing he searched for when he last used it a long time ago, and forgot about it…”

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