Tattoo Artists Divulge Their Worst ‘Tattoo Virgin’ Stories

Getting a tattoo can be very exciting. Maybe you’ve been deciding on what you wanted for a long time and saving little by little to have enough for a sizable piece.

There’s nothing like the nervousness and excitement of that very first tattoo. In fact, when we experience that kind of pain, our body releases endorphins. That might be why we keep going back for more after we’ve gotten our first done.

However, some people faint during their first tattoos from that pain. That’s caused by Vasovagal or ‘reflex’ Syncope. Our blood pressure and heartrate can drop and cause us to be a puddle on the floor before we know it.

Redditor ArthurThyKing asked:

“Tattoo Artists of Reddit, who was your worst ‘tattoo virgin’?”

There are tons of first timer stories of people passing out, being rude to their tattoo artist, or having unconventional things happening to them while under the needle. We compiled this list of the best stories from real tattoo artists.

Always eat a good meal.

“One of my coworkers was tattooing a girl on her 18th birthday or something like that. She was getting script on her wrist, nothing huge but after 3-4 lines her face drained of color and she went completely limp and passed out.”

“He had caught her so she didn’t fall out of the chair but we then heard the sound of something similar to a leaky faucet as everyone realized the poor girl peed herself when she blacked out.”

“After a few minutes and a soda to get her blood sugar back up one of her friends brought her some gym shorts to change into as we cleaned the area. She finished the tattoo that day like a f*cking champ but we’ve never seen nor heard from her again.”

“I’m sure she was mortified…remember kids always eat a good meal before getting tattooed or pierced no matter how small or simple you think it is.” – Gemini_Sol

“Worth mentioning that this advice is for everyone. I’m a large guy and I felt really faint during one tattoo as I simply hadn’t eaten or drank enough.”

“Chocolate bar / sugary drink beforehand and a bottle of water for during is something I now consider essential pre-tattoo purchases.” – cat666

Trying to act tough.

“Piercer but I have seen sh*t. A very large guy came in and wanted a tattoo on his inner arm fat. Tattoo artist tried to talk him out of it because of the loose skin in the area. Guy is like ‘I have a high tolerance for pain’.”

“Well now he has a curved line on his inner bicep. They tried three times and he couldn’t sit still and the pain was unbearable.”

“He was jumping out of the chair while a needle was near his arm. And yes, when he left we sh*t talked him for about a week. Mainly because he just was acting so tough before hand and wouldn’t listen.” – I’mStillaPrick

It’s backwards!

“I’ll take this one. I had a client who got a Jesus fish with Greek letters on his chest. I put the stencil on, he looks down says ‘looks good’ and we do the tattoo. Guy sits like a CHAMP through his entire first tattoo.”

“I finish up after about 45 minutes, he checks it out in the mirror and immediately goes pale, starts to sweat and sits down. Dude looks at me and says ‘it’s BACKWARDS!’ All shook.”

“I look at his tattoo, look at him on the floor, look at the mirror and tell the guy ‘I’m gonna take a photo of it for you to see, because you don’t know how mirrors work’. A couple minutes go by as I’m handing the dude paper towels.”

“The guy stands up all quick and try’s to play it off like he was just messing with me even though for a minute there, there was a corpse on my studio floor….” – tattoosbyjerad

“Imagine you didn’t point out the mirror effect. So next time he comes in he writes/draws out the plans backwards to get the right affect hahahah.” – OutrageousFix7338

“Okay no lie, that is exactly what happened to one of the football players at my old high school. Our school logo was a capital F between two offset parentheses (it was supposed to look like a hurricane, yes it was stupid) and the moron got the tattoo done so that it looked correct in the mirror. He has yet to live it down, and that was ten years ago.” – ArchaicGeek

“Getting your high school logo tattooed really screams ‘I peaked in high school’ But getting it backwards?? That screams ‘I haven’t peaked and probably never will’.” – luckyveggie

He was impulsive.

“One shop I worked at we had a couple come in on the day we did $100 two inch by two inch tattoos, they both were getting these small triceratops outline tattoos behind their ears, nothing too crazy or detailed so maybe about 15 minutes each in the chair at most.”

“The guy is losing his mind, he’s hyperventilating, laughing, jumping up and down and yelling questions at all of us, visually very nervous. He tells one of our apprentices that this is his first tattoo and keeps asking them how bad it hurts over and over again, the owner went into the back and grabbed an ammonia packet, worried the guy would pass out the second needle touched skin.”

“Turns out it was this couples first date, he had told her he was impulsive and she tried to call his bluff and suggested they get matching tattoos. To his credit he got the tattoo and didn’t pass out, paid for them both too!” – Hellcathowl

“They later got married due to a series of escalating dares.” – MC_Hale

“FIRST DATE!? Wow. I kinda respect that though.” – casseroled

“My first tattoo was the outline of three stars behind my ear. I could hear the buzzing and feel the artist fiddling around behind my ear but was anxiously waiting for him to start, thinking that it would feel like a scalpel to my thin skin.”

“Nah, he gave a firm wipe of the ink and said ‘Done!’ I said ‘Bullsh*t’ 😂 he flew through it so easily that I didn’t believe him. So now with a dozen good sized tattoos later, I’m always wanting another one thanks to how well he did my first.” – harleyqueenzel

The ex’s name.

“Girl comes in to get her ex boyfriends name tattooed as a tramp stamp…. Comes in with friends and proceeds to scream throughout the process of doing the outline and she leaves with a half outline of her ex’s name.” – bobjones136

“… why would anyone tattoo their ex’s name on themselves?” – sixthandelm

“Because now he has to come back!” – Traskk01

The newbs story.

“It’s not the worst, but I love this one. At the expense of my very good client, I generally use this story to help newbs ease in to my chair more comfortably.”

“So it was his first and I’m getting my stencil prepped. He was so nervous, he was basically white. Kept asking if he was good. Yeah he was ok..I guess. Place the stencil on him and ask him to take a look.”

“He looks at his arm and immediately passes out in the chair lol. He’s sliding out of the chair, we get him back up and he comes to. He got over it, eventually and has his sleeve.” – -THE_ENDR-

“I was getting lettering and dude finally got to my spine. He asked me how I was doing. I said a little light headed, but keep going. He said nope we are stopping for 15 minutes. I guess he’s had a bunch of people pass out on him.” – Daggermoth

“I had the same deal. Got the crook of my elbow done. I was feeling real shit but I didn’t want to stop because I was afraid I wouldn’t be able to start again.”

“The artist noticed me sweating, getting dizzy, and breathing hard. He handed me a glucose tablet and some water then got me a cool towel until I could handle it again.” – smaugismyhomeboy

He couldn’t make up his mind.

Not a tattoo artist, just heavily tattooed and have a lot of friends who are artists. Allow me to tell you the story of Danny the Dummy.”

“Danny at the time of the story was a 21 year old oil field worker who had more money than sense, he wanted to get an entire sleeve tattoo done but couldn’t decide what he wanted, he would come in for a consult, the artist (my friend) would take everything he said and draw up what he wanted, then he would come back and completely change his mind.”

“That’s not the reason why he’s called Danny the Dummy though, he’s called that because, among other things, he never once could remember the name of the animal he wanted to get. He first asked for a lion ‘pack’ on a mountain with the moon above them and them roaring into it.”

“My artist friend said ‘oh you mean like the end of lion king?’ and Danny said yes. The next time he came in he said the animal was wrong and when he showed the picture it was a wolf pack, so my artist friend drew that.”

“Danny comes back and decides he doesn’t want that, he instead wants an ‘eagle in flight’, so my artist friend draws that, and if you guessed the animal was wrong you’re keeping up, he in fact wanted an owl in flight.”

“After this my artist friend was basically done with Danny, he was going to do this last drawing and if Danny changed his mind again he was going to fire him as a customer and blacklist him in his shop. Well he drew an amazing owl in flight and Danny said he loved it, so finally a date was selected and Danny was going to come in and get it.”

“Well Danny never showed, about half an hour past his appointment time my artist friend calls him and Danny says ‘oh damn man, I’m sorry, I’m out of the country today, I’m in North Dakota’…..the artist is based in Arizona.”

“Danny thought that different states were different countries. Never saw or heard from him again and my friend ended up putting that owl on a coworker of his that loved the drawing.” – amalgamas

“I hope your friend charged him for each drawing. That’s a lot of time and effort. Most artist I’ve been too usually ask for money down to draw up the concept.”

“One, it means you won’t get a no show because they already got money into it. And two, if they no show well you didn’t waste your time drawing the art.” – Metal-Butterfly

“$60/consult.” – amalgamas

Undefeated.

“Not the worst client. But just an unfortunate event. The apprentice at my shop who had only been tattooing for a little under a year was tattooing this girls wrist recently, her first tattoo the word ‘undefeated.’ Gets the tattoo, it goes smoothly, she likes it, walks to the lobby, shows her dad, he likes it.”

“Walks back to get bandaged up, gets bandaged, they walk back to the counter as he’s explaining aftercare she blacks out. Falls back hits her head on a giant painting hanging on the wall (an ed hardy original) the painting falls, glass breaks.”

“He runs over picks her up and is checking the back of her head. Realizes a giant piece of glass had punctured her shoulder/trap. EMT comes, tell her she needs stitches, they end up having to take her to the emergency room where she got 6 stitches.”

“The next week the girl brought him a giant tub of cookies. She wasn’t the worst, but it was an incredibly unfortunate experience for the both of them. His first time having someone pass out and her being ‘defeated.’” – tattoocaleb

“She can claim the tattoo is undefeated. It took her out.” – GloInTheDarkUnicorn

“Hey, she only fainted after leaving the ring. She’s still the champ.” – ActuallySatanAMA

He couldn’t sit still.

“There’s a few different ways you can go with worst. Is worst most reactive? Is worst most picky and unreasonable?”

“I’ve been pretty lucky in the grand scheme of things. My worst most reactive / annoying client was this dude who was very clearly a drug addict.”

“He came in, wanted a simple tribal tattoo on his stomach, I saw sure no problem but he starts haggling me about the price, at first it was $400, then he said no more than $200, we finally settled on $300 after about 20 minutes of back and forth.”

“I get all setup, we start the tattoo, within a minute he says he needs to stand up, that’s he’s in too much pain and needs to walk around. He walks around for about 2 or 3 minutes, then lays back down, gets tattooed for another couple minutes and then same thing.”

“He does this constantly throughout the entire tattoo. During this time he was constantly scratching his head, twitching all over and complaining loudly.”

“But the worst part wasn’t the fact that this 2 hour tattoo turned into almost 4 hours. The worst was that he kept going out for smoke breaks, but kept only taking 2 or 3 puffs, putting the cherry out and then putting the smoke back in his pocket.”

“So all I could smell the entire time was musty cigs, it was fucking disgusting. (The cigarettes smelled old, if you’ve ever smelled old cigs you know what I’m talking about. He also kept putting it in the pocket that was right beside my face).” – CircleK-Choccy-Milk

“No chance I’m haggling with somebody who’s about to permanently mark my body.” – Barbarossa7070

The loudest appointment.

“A friend who had never had a tattoo before wanted one on her ankle and was adamant about that. I told her several times that the ankle is a very not fun location, and asked her if maybe she’d prefer the shoulder instead.”

“She insisted on the ankle. Okay then. The moment the needle touched her she hollered. You sure you want to keep going I asked?”

“She said yes. That was the loudest appointment I ever had but to her credit she made it through.” – Odeiminmukwa

The tears just kept coming.

“Oh wow, reading this thread is bringing up some repressed client memories. My worst one by far, though, was about five years ago when I was apprenticing in a college town.”

“This girl came in with her boyfriend for a traditional butterfly above her elbow, I was still super new so it took me way longer than it should have (maybe 2hrs). I lay her down on her stomach with her arm bent at her side—this is relevant later.”

“Anyway, we start tattooing and within maybe 10 mins she starts getting a string of texts from her freshman friends, telling her they’re essentially ousting her from their group and they don’t want her to contact them again.”

“Super mean stuff, obviously she’s upset. As she’s relating all this to her BF, she starts crying, then full on sobbing. I asked her if she wanted to stop, but she insisted on me continuing, and I felt too awkward to counter her.”

“She continued to sob on and off for probably another hour, while I just kept plugging away at this dumb little tattoo. At this point she had cried so much that her tears had gathered where her arm was pressed against the massage table and had started to spill over into my lap.”

“So I’m feeling uncomfortable as hell, and now also damp. THEN, as I’m within 30 mins or so of finishing, she begins whimpering, then moaning…loudly. At one point she tells the BF ‘this is more intense than anal’ and I wanted to die.”

“As soon as I finished and checked her out, my coworkers (who had all been waiting on me to close) were like ‘what the actual f*ck was going on, and why did you keep going??’ But in the moment, all I could think was to finish the tattoo asap.”

“To her credit, she came back (a year later!) and told me she had been too embarrassed to come back but loved the butterfly and wanted another tattoo from me. Her second session was pleasant and without incident.” – More-Presentation-52

These stories are definitely unique.

Hopefully, we’re able to learn from these professionals tales so we can be better first timers.

And remember to treat your artists well when they’re putting something permanent on your body.

Workers Get Poetic About Their Profession Using Only Haiku

We spend much of our time at work each day so it makes sense that people develop a sense of humor about it all. We also spend a considerable amount of time talking about what we do for our living, too.

Think about it. When was the last time you were hanging out with new people and to break the ice, they asked you, “What do you do for a living?”

It happens a lot, right?

But suppose you’re bored of launching into the same song-and-dance, the same boring explanation each time? After all, the answers you give have been committed to memory by now, haven’t they?

Imagine if someone asked you to describe what you do in the form of a poem. Things would get much more interesting then!

That was the principle of the matter here thanks to Redditor Lost_Borealin asked the online community:

“Writing only in haiku, what do you do for work?”

IT professionals definitely understand the struggle written about here:

“How can I help you?”

“Oh my god, it is blinking.”

“Try restarting it.” ~ TrafficGreat

And here’s another from someone in the same profession:

“You broke your laptop.”

“Somehow this is my problem?”

“Yelling won’t fix it.” ~ zerinsackeh1

Law school students definitely have heavy workloads, but this person is almost in the clear, hooray!

“I am in law school.”

“I do research for money.”

“Graduating soon.” ~ -MoodIndigo-

And here’s a peek into the future:

“I used to do that.”

“Now I write briefs all damn day.”

“But it pays the bills.” ~ OneFingerIn

X-ray technicians are undoubtedly busy these days!

“I see black and white.”

“Gray all over in between.”

“When X-rays hit you.” ~ -CrowWill-

Here we have a submission from someone representing Chipotle!

“Black or pinto beans?”

“You know guac is extra right?”

“Any sides with that?” ~ Noosents

And while not a job, here’s a submission from a satisfied customer:

“Whaddup cake day bro.

” “I ate Chipotle tonight.”

“It was damn good, thanks.” ~ TheMulattoMaker

Here’s a submission from someone who is not working currently—and we’re sorry to hear has been sick for some time:

“Work was years ago.”

“Unfortunately got sick.”

“On Reddit all day…” ~ GeniusEE

Here’s another person who’s unemployed—and we appreciate them being such a good sport:

“I am unemployed.”

“Guess I sit around a lot.”

“God I need a job.” ~ theEluminator

And now for a few submissions from the service industry.

Like this one:

“Put away returns.”

“Are you ready to check out?”

“Refrigerator.” ~ azemetrx

And another—this one from a store manager:

“May I speak with the-”

“Manager? That’s me, Karen.”

“Screaming then ensues.” ~ TitanCatTC

One from someone outlining the bane of every service worker’s existence:

“Is this a dollar?”

“Have you changed your prices yet?”

“Hey, do you work here?” ~ Euclybx

Another, this one from someone who has a knack for rhyming:

“Arranging produce.”

“So that customers buy it.”

“Just to deep fry it.” ~ MackeralSky

Another, this one from someone who does the same thing:

“At a grocery store.”

“I put out all the produce.”

“Throw out all the bad.” ~ ggfchi

And one more, this one from a restaurant worker:

“Service industry.”

“But I cannot stand people.”

“So I bus tables.” ~ skinnybastard

Here’s someone doing some very important work that I’m sure many people are grateful for after the hellish last year-and-a-half that we’ve had:

“Vaccine researchers.”

“Rely on me to fill studies.”

“With lots of people.” ~ bellyflop2

Hey, remember what being a college student was like?

Don’t remember?

Well, here’s a reminder:

“Nothing but schoolwork.”

“Occasionally homework.”

“Ugh anyday now.” ~ Pagalingling40

Here’s someone who’s in school and decided to be clever… we see what they did there.

“What is a haiku?

“I’m in school so I don’t know.”

“So is this a haiku?” ~FewJackfruit1432

Here’s a teacher telling us how it is.

“I help shape young minds.”

“I put up with their parents.”

“I’m not paid enough.” ~ edgarpicke

This person perfectly summed up what it’s like to work remotely—so we’re guessing their life didn’t change much when the pandemic hit:

“It’s much like before.”

“I still help people.”

“But now I’m in my PJs.” ~ slice_of_pi

This person probably has some pretty interesting stories about the people who come into their shop:

“I need some money.”

“What is your collateral?”

“Maybe this TV?” ~ Winquisitor

We’re taking an educated guess here and guessing that this person does something with… wait for it… products:

“Writing about products.”

“Creating ads for products.”

“Posting about products.” ~ snowstormspawn

Oooh… we’ve got someone special over here.

Anyone have any educated guesses of their own?

We’re thinking something with a high security clearance.

“It is very rare.”

“Can’t be too specific.”

“Don’t want to dox myself.” ~ Hlodvigovich915

Okay, you know how hard scientists have worked over the last year to get us to understand the importance of taking the COVID-19 vaccine?

Here’s a submission from an epidemiologist who just had to express their frustration:

“Poxed populations.”

“Epidemiology.”

“Revered, then ignored.” ~ annoyedgrunt

Next one is a lawyer?

Someone in publishing?

Either way, they’re keeping you out of legal trouble:

“You can’t publish that.”

“It is copyrighted art.”

“Get permission now.” ~ Frysiel

Here’s a submission from someone who works with disabled individuals in their capacity at the Social Security Administration:

“Disabled people.”

“They want to go to work soon.”

“SSA questions.” ~ trashytamboriney

And here’s another submission, this one from someone who doesn’t sound too happy with that same government agency:

“Disabled people.”

“Waiting on phone forever.”

“Then disconnected.” ~ Batfink27

Here’s one from someone who’s definitely sick and tired of working in software development:

“So sick of fixing bugs.”

“So sick of feeling dumb every day.”

“Lots of money, but crushing.” ~ bctwoPoint0

I know what you’re thinking.

You’re thinking, “Hey, Mr. Writer! Give us a haiku of your own! What’s it like being a full time writer?”

Well, sorry to disappoint you all, but writing haikus isn’t my strong suit.

If you must know what being a writer is like, then I just want you to imagine sitting in front of your screen all day, largely in solitude.

But here’s one last one from an editor:

“Your mistakes are mine,”

“words to correct and refine.”

“Your errors—my job.” ~ LakotaGrl

Hiring Managers Divulge The Biggest Resume Mistakes That Cost Someone The Job

Making career moves can be anxiety-inducing.

You’re never really sure what to put on your resume, what to say about why you left your last position or how to really answer the inevitable question about why you want to work there without pointing out the obvious desire for a paycheck.

This would be so much easier if you could just get a peek inside the minds of hiring managers, wouldn’t it?

Wouldn’t you love to know the things they’re actually hoping to see? And the things that they hate so much it makes them automatically disqualify a candidate?

Enter reddit user “ThanosIsMyRealFather” who asked:

“Hiring managers of Reddit, what was something on someone’s CV/resume that made you either immediately want to hire them or immediately reject them?” 

So go ahead and make a new folder in your phone for the screenshots you take. We’re going to start with learning what NOT to do.

Too Much Information

“His resume was 14 pages.”

“Granted, it was for a finance position with 5-10 years experience, but there’s only so many different ways you can describe finance responsibilities – and summarizing is a valuable skill.”

“Dude never pitched for the interview.”

– zenaide1

“We had a resume for an internship come through that was double-digit pages long and included his karate accomplishments in 6th grade.”

– mcarneybsa

“24 pages; this mans IT management profile.”

“5 pages was his CV.”

“The other 19 pages was meticulously explaining every project he had done in his 40 years of experience. All the way back to before I was born.”

– magaruis

“I got a 26-page resume once. A lot of it was about his ex-wife.”

“We, uh, didn’t call him.”

– bokodasu

It’s Happened To The Best Of Us

“Their resume included the sentence: ‘I have incredible attention to dealtail.’ ”

– 4sOfCors

“I said that once, in the email body.”

“I then proceeded to forget to attach the CV. So awkward.” 

– _ae_

“I had something similar on a resume.”

“I wrote ‘I have great attention to detail’ and then right after I sent it I noticed my name was misspelled.” 

– squanchiest-

“Right out of law school I put a ton of emphasis on my attention to detail on my resume.”

“After about six months, one kind soul called me to let me know that I had misspelled ‘lawyer’ in my opening sentence. He was not interested in an interview.”

– AmnesiaCane

Assassination Attempts

“I had a funny typo on a resume I once reviewed. It read:

” ‘Assassinated the lead florist on site’ “

“Obviously it was meant to say assisted.”

– snailtopus

“Screw up a bride’s centerpieces and pay with your life. Florists know this when they sign on for the job.”

– Jackandahalfass

“It was a Sith florist. The only way to progress through the ranks is to kill the master.”

– Bloodcloud079

But Do You Even Lift?

“A guy put his bench, squat and deadlift numbers in his personal skills section for a bar job.”

“It spawned a long tradition of asking bartenders what they could bench when they applied for a job.”

– MoveToStrike

“This one hits close to home haha.”

“When I was in high school I won a few bench press/strength competitions and had that listed in my interests section at the bottom.”

“When I got my first job out of college my boss used to occasionally make jokes about it, so I decided it was time to retire that.”

– Fair-University

“We had a candidate who was clearly into weightlifting ask if our work uniforms came in stretchy materials, ‘you know, for my physique’ as he pointed to his biceps.”

– ballinthrowaway

A Very “Niche” Portfolio

“I was working for a small digital agency and we were looking for designers and illustrators – general multi skilled creative types.”

“The boss wanders in with a sly grin and a big folder. It was from a guy who wanted the job.”

“I came over and he started flicking through it. Page after page of sexy cartoons.”

“Lots of them furry type stuff. Boob, butts, lips, figures intertwined, lots of detailed musculature.”

“So I was like ‘Well it’s quite good for what it is… but what else is there? Is there another section?’ “

“Nope. Nothing else.”

“Just a folder completely full of semi-pornographic cartoon people and sexy anthropomorphised animals.”

“He was not hired. It wasn’t because of the cartoons, it was because it was all just those cartoons.”

“Would have liked to see some commercial applications of illustration, or something showing he could work to requirements, or a variety of work showing different styles. Also this was 15ish years ago.”

– torn-ainbow

It’s not all doom and gloom, though.

We like to end on a positive note around here, so let’s take a minute to talk about the things that catch a hiring manager’s attention in the right way.

That Wording Is Everything

“Had a kid applying to work at a Sam Goody as a stock boy write that he was a petroleum transference engineer for Exxon at his last job.”

“His job was pumping gas, I hired him on the spot.”

– Canadian_Neckbears

Playing Games

“I work at an Escape Room.”

“We once received a resume that consisted in a webpage address protected by a password, and three well-crafted riddles that we had to solve to get the password.”

“We spent an hour doing it with two colleagues, and it included decrypting a code from a specific frame of Zodiac by David Fincher. It was simply amazing.”

“Sadly, we weren’t hiring at the time, and she had found another job we we started hiring again.”

“We would have loved to hire her, but we were fully staffed and not in a position to just create a job for her. Believe me we wanted to.” 

– Maximelene

World Of Warcraft

“Once I received a resume that had ‘Raid leader for WOW in top guild of a server.’ “

“The other hiring managers laughed their asses off and said this guy was a joke. They all dismissed him.”

“Me, I asked the guy to come in for an interview. He did pretty well and I hired him.”

“The reason I brought the guy in for interview was because I’m an avid Warcraft player and I know the sh*t raid leaders go through.”

“Trying to get a large number of people together, coordinate resources and rewards, getting guides together and telling people to up their healing/dps and not stand in fire. All done virtually via vent and forum postings (meaning you never met these guild members in person.)”

“You need some great leadership skills and project management. Also at that time I was dealing with a lot of people offsite so I thought this guy would be a good fit.”

“9 years later (I’ve since left the company), the WOW guy I hired turned out to be great!”

“He’s particularly shined in recent years when corporations decide that working from home doing virtual meetings is the way to go to cut cost. His skill set as a raid leader translated very well with remote project management!”

“Oh, and is now the manager of those same hiring managers that laughed at his resume.”

“This was at a Fortune 500 financial company.”

– evonebo

So let’s go over what we’ve learned today, shall we?

  • Keep things brief.
  • It’s important to spell-check.
  • How much you can bench press probably isn’t relevant enough to go on your resume.

Oh, and make sure there’s more than just furry semi-porn in your portfolio.

15 People Share the Most Polite Way to Tell Someone to F**k Off

Sometimes, when you’re at work, you just need to tell someone that they’ve screwed up or that they need to mind their own business. But also you might not work in a place where cursing and yelling is appropriate. What’s a person to do!

While most of us can pick up on nuance, below are 13+ pretty clever ways to tell someone to go p*ss up a rope.

Which is a must underused expression on its own, in my opinion.

#15. He just put up his hand.

I was in a meeting where we were planning out a huge client presentation and one of the guys who was there just went off on a complete diatribe of how he would go about adding some flair. He was known for being a loudmouth, and after about 15 minutes of his plans, the team lead just literally put up his hand and waited for him to stop talking. He sat there for 30 seconds in silence and then moved on. No addressing anything that was just said.

#14. We need to revisit the language.

“If that is your understanding of the current agreement, we need go revisit the language so that your expectation levels can be set more appropriately.”

#13. I am not emotionally invested.

Once heard a coworker bust out in a monotone voice, “Ma’am, I need you to know that I am not emotionally invested in this conversation. What do you need so we can both go on with our lives?” Really had to stifle my laughter in my cube next to her.

#12. Important to note.

I am not contractually obligated to fulfill that request. It is also important to note that doing so would also be a violation of international trade laws.

#11. As we discussed.

I work as a contractor to the FAA (Federal Aviation Administration). The best professional fuck you I’ve seen was via email. There’s this other contractor who is one of those types of know-it-alls that has to tell everyone how they should do things, often unsolicited, and likes to write really wordy, long emails to convince everyone of how smart he is. One day, he sent out an email suggesting some sweeping changes to our rollout schedule for some new ATC equipment, and “took the liberty” of sending his revised schedule to everyone – feds, contractors, upper management, upper upper management, sites, etc.

After several hours of us all privately marveling at the audacity and stupidity of this guy’s massive overstep, the fed that is in charge of our entire program reply-all’s.

The email started hilariously with “Thank you for your interest in aviation safety. As we discussed, contractors cannot set policy for the agency and do not have the authority to make decisions on behalf of the government.” Then it went on for several paragraphs, ending with tips on how he can apply for jobs within the federal agency if he wants to pull shit like this.

It was a massively embarrassing smackdown for this guy. We were all super happy to see him get his dick knocked in the dirt. It’s kind of hard to explain why the first sentence “Thank you for your interest in aviation safety” was so funny without being able to describe the guy that wrote it, but it was meant to be super condescending. I still have the email saved in my inbox.

#10.  Our policy is…

Overheard my boss once say “Our policy is…(long pause while he loads up his phrasing, then clearly changes his mind and just says)…no.”

Literally thirty years ago and still gives me a chuckle.

#9. That’s great.

I used to have a coworker who was a know it all who could actually back it up. We had a memory leak (for non programmers: a very big issue) and he found it and was making the fix. He sayd something in the lines of “the leak is in line 247” and our boss goes nuts, spends an hour ranting about how he wrote that code himself and there was no way the leak was there, and how dumb he was to think it was there.

Coworker let’s him talk for an hour, then with the best poker face says “that’s great but the leak is in line 247.” Then demonstrates it in a minute.

#8. Please be advised.

The fuck you lawyer letters that I have seen usually start with “Please be advised” and end with “govern yourself accordingly”.

#7. You can leave in the morning.

“We don’t need two weeks notice, you can leave this morning.”

#6. Especially annoying.

“I’ll be sure to give that the attention it deserves” if they’re especially annoying/stupid!

#5. But…

During an exit interview…
“Ya, I had a great 3 years here.”
“But, you worked here for 5 years…”

#4. Please don’t.

I do IT helpdesk, we have a person in IT who is one of those people who just likes to hear herself talk, and can go on for quite awhile. One day i pick up the phone, and someone is asking for her. here’s the interaction:

Me: IT this is Wyatt how can i help?

User: Hi, i was working with [person] earlier to try and fix my [some issue i cant remember]

Me: Oh yeah, give me one second i’ll see if she’s at her desk and i’ll transfer you over.

User: Please don’t.

just the tone in their voice as they said that made it clear that they really did not want to spend any more time on the phone with that person.

#3. Custom engraving.

My family works in the textile industry.

Once, my dad worked at a company that had a vendor that made buttons for various types of clothes. They had not paid this vendor yet, but my Dads boss was still pressuring him to pressure the vendor to get something done (I don’t recall the specifics).

Well, the button vendor had taken enough shit, so he made a a custom run of buttons and sent them back a shirt in which every button had “fuck you, pay me” custom engraved into it.

Professional etiquette? No, definitely not. Professional fuck you? Most definitely.

#2. Please feel free.

“I’m terribly sorry you feel that way. Please feel free to contact our complaints department.”

(To someone who wanted an appointment on a day when there were no appointments available, but insisted that she would come in on that day, at that time) “You’re more than welcome to come in on that day, but I’m afraid there will be nobody available to see you. You’ll have much better luck if we simply book an appointment for a different day.”

#1. Please refrain.

We have no plans to pursue the matter now or in the future. We ask that you refrain from further contact with us.

Take heed, whichever end of the conversation you’re on.

The post 15 People Share the Most Polite Way to Tell Someone to F**k Off appeared first on UberFacts.

Teen Job Hunter Gets Ridiculously Mean-Spirited Rejection Text After an Interview

Looking for a job can be a full-time position in and of itself, and the interview process can be especially daunting. It’s important to remember, however, that professionalism in a job interview goes both ways – the employer needs to respect you as a person, and a rude interviewer can be a major red flag about working at that organization.

18-year-old Megan Dixon was on the job market and had recently interviewed with Miller and Carter Steakhouse, in hopes of gaining experience as a server. After the interview wrapped up, Dixon was told she’d be hearing from them in a few days.

But she actually heard from them within minutes of her leaving – via text – and to say the potential employer was being disrespectful is putting lipstick on a pig.

Photo Credit: Twitter

Dixon told the Sun:

“At the end of the interview, I asked when I would hear back. She told me it was never more than a few days and she had my email. But I got the texts a few seconds after leaving.

“I was shocked. The least she should have given me was some proper feedback.

“And the laughing face emoji was so unprofessional. It was a really bitchy thing to do.”

“Maybe because I’m 18 she thinks it’s OK not to be professional with me? I don’t know.”

Apparently, that text was meant for someone else internally.  Shantel Wesson, the assistant manager who interviewed Dixon, refused to comment but a Miller and Carter spokeswoman said:

“We can’t apologise enough to Megan.

“It was never our intention to be disrespectful or upset her in any way. The texts were sent in error and were intended for our manager, not the candidate.”

She also said this situation was being taken “extremely seriously” and is under investigation.

Which – good! Because how hurtful!

The post Teen Job Hunter Gets Ridiculously Mean-Spirited Rejection Text After an Interview appeared first on UberFacts.