Category: People

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Behaviors That Seem Nice, But Are Toxic AF

Are you ready for some real talk? Let’s talk about the way we treat each other, and the way we disguise the bad as good and the good as bad. That’s the kind of conversation that got kicked off in a post from darkwulf1 on r/AskReddit:

What is a toxic behavior that is disguised as virtue? from AskReddit

The post quickly amassed thousands of comments – a few jokes here and there, but mostly honest feedback and frustration examining morality. Here are a few examples of some of the most interesting points.

1. Do you work to live or live to work?

The workaholic.

It’s fine to work hard at something you love, but not at the expense of everything else.

– kazu-sama

2. Don’t take autonomy.

People saying they did stuff that directly affects us without our permission for ‘looking after your best interests’

– dhavalaa123

3. “Chasing” can be pretty creepy.

Persistence in relationships.

It’s always sold in Rom-coms and in relationships.

But usually your persistence is a complete lack of respect for other people’s boundaries or holding onto things that aren’t working out.

– fishnugget1

4. Good action, bad motive.

People that do good deeds so they can brag about it or use it to their own advantage.

“Look at me, I’m such a good person! I do all these nice things, not because I wanted to be a good person or anything, nope!

Just so I could tell everyone about all the good things I do! Repeatedly. Like all the time. Because I’m a good person, remember?

Hey by the way, could you do me a fav-.”

– bayleaf0098

5. We’re not all on an even playing field.

That kind of Hustle Culture where successful people give “motivational” speeches (or more often Instagram captions) where they say stuff like “if you’re not succeeding you’re not working hard enough” or “we all have the same 24 hours.” We don’t all have the same 24 hours.

If you have kids, subtract a couple hours. If you have kids without a live in nanny subtract a bunch of hours. If you have to work a minimum wage job to make rent subtract hours. If you don’t have help to cook/clean/grocery shop/etc, subtract hours.

That’s part of why Kylie Jenner’s whole “self-made millionaire” think bugs me. Even IF she came up with her own ideas and did her portion of the work, she never had to worry about financial support to start her brand, or childcare while she was working, or who was going to cook meals for her and her kid or clean her house. Her lip fillers alone, which are a huge portion of her brand, can cost up to 2000 dollars a pop.

You’re not “self-made” if you couldn’t have done it without your parent’s money.

– tomis2003

6. This is called being an enabler.

Being the “supportive” friend/significant other who will never say no even if it’s a really bad idea.

– SoundedDoughnut

7. Nothing special about being mean.

People that say they’re always 100% honest and aren’t afraid to speak their mind.

It’s definitely useful when needed, but all the time just makes the person seem insufferable and rude.

– RackingRods

8. Don’t speak for me.

Being offended on behalf of another person without knowing or wanting to know their opinion.

– Dr-Sateen

9. Corporate morals are profit-driven.

Woke companies.

They are literally just trying to sell more sh^t by piggybacking onto whatever is the cause of the day.

– Trip_The_3rd

10. Back off a little.

Helicopter parenting, that sh^t scars you, makes you unable to function like a normal adult and struggle to make your own decisions when it comes to responsibility.

– bovineexcrement

11. Be real with yourself.

Constant self-diminishing and downplaying of your abilities as “humility”.

Just accept and recognize that you’re pretty skilled / have a lot of experience in something, instead of saying that it’s easy, that anyone could do the same and the list goes on.

– Chrysophren

12. Be vigilant around charisma.

Over-the-top kindness often masks agenda. Charisma goes a long way toward hiding darker traits.

– everysperm_is_sacred

13. Self-care vs selfishness.

Aggressive self-care — sometimes people use this as a hard stop to get out of things that they do not want to do because you can’t argue with someone saying that they need self-care.

But there’s a line between doing what you need to in order to bolster emotional and mental health and being lazy/taking advantage of people who want to support self-care more.

– BoundlessResonance

14. Your nihilism isn’t impressive.

The super ultra laid back mentality.

Not everything is ok. Not everything is a joke or is cool.

It’s good to have boundaries and to take things seriously.

– coldbloodedcreatures

15. This one’s called the “Golden Mean Fallacy.”

Accepting the objective truth in the form of a compromise.

IE If one person says the sky is blue, and another says the sky is yellow, the compromise would be that the sky is green (blue and yellow mixed), which is onviously not the objective truth.

– LondonDude123

I highly recommend scrolling through some of the other top comments on the original post, it’s a really fascinating bit of human self-reflection.

What else could go on this list?

Tell us in the comments.

The post Behaviors That Seem Nice, But Are Toxic AF appeared first on UberFacts.

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Top 10 Beard Styles Followed by Celebrities

In this age of styling and fashion, a beard can not be regarded simply as a beard. It is a style statement for almost all men all over the world. A beard can change the look of the man completely and can make him look far more attractive and handsome. Also, a beard is a classy approach to look dashing and intense without much effort. There are many types of beards and they are completely different and unique in their own way. Nowadays celebrities have also started defining their styles with the help of beards. Top 10 beard styles inspired

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People Share Their Most Wholesome Secrets

People assume secrets are hidden because they’re bad – maybe a shameful event in your past, or a thought you’d never want to share with anyone.

But secrets can also be wholesome, like if you made a large donation to a non-profit, anonymously. Or if you sent a package of goodies to a friend without them knowing.

Who knows why some people decide to keep the good they do secret, but it happens. Here are 10 heart-bursting secrets that will leave you smiling.

10. Bank error in his favor

“My best friend’s mom passed away from cancer four years ago on Easter Sunday. She was like a second mom to me. She was very religious and always dreamed of going to Jerusalem.

When she passed away, my best friend became reckless and would try to drown his feelings and cover up the darkness inside him with the bright lights of clubs and women. This went on for a couple years.

Eventually, my best friend hit beyond rock bottom to where he was living in his car with only a backpack of clothes and his mom’s ashes.

I let him stay with me and he turned his life around. He stopped going to bars. He started caring again. He started saving money. He decided he would spread his mom’s ashes in Jerusalem.

Well, he got into a car accident last month and totaled his car. Not his fault. Someone plowed through a red light. Medical bills and attorneys fees drained his savings. But it’s okay. He told me how there was a bank error and someone deposited $3,000 into his bank account.

He’s all set to be in Jerusalem around Easter and my Hawaii trip was postponed.”

9. Here kitty kitty

“I’ve had my cat for 18 years. I’ve had my husband for three years. He always wanted a cat and never had one.

Their love is strong and true, but obviously, the cat is slightly more attached to/familiar with me.

My husband loves that cat so much and gets a little bit of a thrill out of the idea that the cat loves us equally even though I had a 15-year head start.

What my husband doesn’t know is that I sometimes intentionally annoy the cat so that he will go snuggle with my husband instead, because it is so dang cute how giddy my husband gets about it.”

8. Best decision ever

“My daughter isn’t biologically mine. My ex became pregnant via an affair. One of many, I came to find. After the paternity test confirmed it, I almost left, but I had a thought.

This baby girl did not ask for this situation. She is innocent in all this and down a father since the dude split and disappeared. I knew her mother was not able to cope with motherhood, as she was only barely coping with childless adulthood some of the time.

I stepped in. I’ve always wanted to be a father and I’m all about helping children at a disadvantage because of my own crappy childhood. If I can spare any child from that, I would, so I did.

She carries my name. Looks like me oddly enough (her bio dad looks like a younger me), and is now 3 with a 1st-grade education. She speaks very well. She has a very good imagination. She is as happy as a clam and unabused.

I teach her mother how to actually be a mother, and I take my daughter for extra time, all the time.

It’s the best, most fulfilling decision I have ever made. I may not be her father, but I’m darn sure her daddy.”

7. Angels from above

“When I was 17 years old, my BFF and I decided to take the snowmobiles out for a ride in the blizzard. We thought it would be amazing to hit some fresh forming powder and drifts. The visibility was low so we stuck to the main roads.

We ended up on a desolate road with two homes and acres and acres of farmland. As we got close to the homes we noticed some lights and went over to see what was going on.

It turned out that the old couple living there had ventured out to the store to get food in case they got snowed in. They made the long drive and everything went fine (they had to have hit several drifts that were 1-4 feet tall). Things only went wrong when they slowed down to turn into the drive. They didn’t dare leave their car out because they feared a snow plow would hit it. My friend and I in full snow gear, helmets and face masks dug the car out and shoveled the driveway and made sure they got the car in the garage.

I thought that was the end of the story.

I didn’t even mention anything to my parents. Lo and behold, the next day at church this couple was there. Our church gives time for the congregation to get up and talk about their beliefs/faith-building stories. Sure enough, the old man gets up and starts telling about their trip to the store last night. He talked about getting stuck and worrying he would never get his car unstuck and that it would be destroyed by a snow plow.

He then said two angels appeared, barely spoke, unstuck his car and disappeared as quickly as they arrived. He said that he had been pleading with the Lord for some help but figured it would never arrive because no one ever travels the road. My mom looked at me and knew it was me. She didn’t say anything, I didn’t say anything.”

6. A Christmas Miracle

“My little sister was extremely sick with pneumonia in the ICU one Christmas when she was 6. This happened often around this time of year for her because of her asthma, but this time it was worse. She was so sick and tired, she lost track of the days in the hospital even though Christmas was approaching fast. People dressed as elves would come in and bring gifts and my sister would say, ‘Am I going to make it back in time for Christmas?’

She was so worried and already so upset after being poked and prodded by doctors, draining fluid from her lungs and trying to get her better. Christmas came and we decided not to tell her she missed it. We promised her. We weren’t going to ruin her Christmas!
On the 27th, while my dad worked and mom was at the hospital, I got a list from my mom and went to the store to get her gifts. I spent all night wrapping them.

The next day, they released my sister from the hospital and we told her it was Christmas Eve! I even promised her she could sleep in my bed that night, under all the Christmas lights I hung up, so she could wake me up as soon as it was Christmas morning.
I can’t even tell you how happy she was to wake up the next day and she couldn’t stop saying how much of a Christmas miracle it was! She’s 13 and still remarks how amazing it was she made it back before Christmas, after being so horribly sick and stuck in ICU.”

5. Random treats for lucky kids

“When I was a kid, I used to always twist the quarter machines on the way into stores just in case. Got lucky a couple of times and got a few free toys. Now that I’m grown, if I’m leaving a store with them, I like to drop change into them if I have it and leave them half twisted.”

4. Helping the family

“My Aunt was gonna be short for her rent. I paid the landlord and told him to say that she paid it earlier in the month. She was so happy about it. I made steaks for supper and paid extra on other bills so she’d be ahead of them.”

3. Helping out the homeless

“I used to have to regularly travel abroad for work to this one specific town. I would stay near the main square so it got to be I would recognize the homeless people around my area.

It was a difficult time in my life, so I was drinking a little more than was healthy (nothing during the daytime or that would interfere with work, just at night to go to bed), so most nights I would go out to pick something up.

Some homeless people asked for money, some were straight up and asked for a can or two. I always felt bad doing the whole ‘pat my pockets and shrug’ routine to them as I exited the shop, knowing I was just blowing my money away on drinks for myself. In that moment, was I so different than these guys?
I finally got up the courage to acknowledge/talk to one of them, he asked for a can or two of drinks, and I asked what kind he wanted (high percentage, of course).

In the store, I bought stuff for me, and I also bought this guy two cans, but there was a catch. In the bag were a few other things I bought him, a few sandwiches, some milk, and some sports drink.
So that was my routine. For over a year, I would be in this town once a month or so, and I would go around and get this man a few cans and also made sure he had something to eat. I learned that he had a shelter he could sleep in at night, I learned his name, I would shake his hand every time I saw him, chat for a bit, and wish him well.

A few times, he had some sores on his foot so I bought bandages, antiseptic cream, stuff like that.

It’s not a big deal, but I always kept it a secret. Even when my girlfriend came with me on one of my trips, I just told her I was going to go for a walk at night to clear my head, and I went and visited this man and bought him a few drinks and some food, never told her about it. I’ve never told anyone – I think that would ruin it for me – it’s not about me or getting a slap on the back, it was just about treating this guy like a fellow man, even for a few minutes.

Maybe I was doing something wrong, maybe that’s not the right way to help someone, I don’t know. All I figured was this guy had more reason to drink than I did, his life looked rough. If he wanted to get messed up, he was going to find a way to get messed up anyway, and this way I figured at least he’d get some nutrition, and someone who would shake his hand, call him by name and chat and look him in the eye. I haven’t been back to that town for years. I don’t know if he remembers me. I think of him often. I hope he’s doing ok.”

2. Everyone is loved on Valentine’s day

“Back in college, I liked to do special things for my friends in my dorm for Valentine’s Day. One year, I taped chocolate boxes to their doors, and the next year I taped bags of heart-shaped cookies. My friends would find out that it was me one way or another, but it was still nice to do something nice for the people I care about. The next year, after the majority of my dorm friends, had graduated, I still wanted to do something nice for the people in my dorm.

I created about 150 little paper envelopes, to cover everyone that would be getting a special surprise. At around 2 a.m. I set out to taping these envelopes to all the doors on my floor (2 people per room) as well as all the RA’s on all the other floors. I then filled every tiny envelope with a few heart-shaped Reese’s and Snickers candies. It probably took about 2 hours to completely finish. I know a few chocolates really aren’t that big of a gift, but I wanted everybody to feel some love on Valentine’s Day.

The next day, some of the RA’s posted about it on Facebook. They were saying that we had the best residents. It made me feel really warm and fuzzy inside, but I never let any of them know that I was the one that did it.”

1. A trip of a lifetime

“Without revealing too much information, my previous job had a major perk: a lottery system in which the winners got to accompany a group to various locations in the world for a hybrid vacation/work trip. I won the lottery one year and was selected to go to Istanbul. I heard a coworker talking to her spouse on the phone about how bummed she was she did not get it (she was selected as my backup, but did not know who she was backing up).

She had hoped to visit a long-lost family member. She is a quiet, sweet, helpful person. She’s very behind the scenes and rather underappreciated.
I gave up my spot due to a ‘prior commitment.’ She got to go instead. I had a great time looking at her pictures.”

No matter the situation, giving up or granting something to people can make you feel good. Kindness is not a word, it’s an act. Keep paying it forward you wholesome secret keepers!

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The Man of the Future

Back in the early 1980s, orthodontist David Marshall, from Syracuse, NY, liked to speculate about what humans would look like 2 million years in the future. Or what “Future Man” would look like, as he referred to our descendants. Based on previous trends in our evolution, he concluded that Future Man will be hairless, big-skulled, […]

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10 People Who Prove There Is No Act of Kindness Too Small

Acts of kindness can come in many shapes and forms: holding open a door, to saying good morning to a stranger, or leaving a huge tip for a waiter having a bad day. These folks have gone above and beyond in their quest to spread kindness, and let’s all just give them a hand.

It’s so nice to hear about people being nice, right?

10. This guy who changed a tire for a stranded woman.

9. This gal who left a $200 tip to support a waiter in time of need.

8. A stranger who paid for this lady’s breakfast to get her on her way.

7. Someone offered this man a new set of tennis shoes.

6. The substitute teacher who left a complimentary note to a principal.

5. This guy who used Venmo to send free coffee to a friend.

4. This cute note from a mom who made her daughter smile.

3. This guy who swapped airline seats with a first time flyer

2. The animal lover who helped pay for this dog’s surgery.

1. The apartment tenant who left little notes of inspiration and kindness all around the building.

Hope these made your day because they sure improved mine!

And if you ever met someone who did something kind for you that you’d like to share, put it in the comments!

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11 People Share the Really Weird Things They Do

People are strange…

It turns out there are strange habits that many people have, and even though we don’t understand why, we’re compelled to continue the behavior.

Maybe it’s evolution, maybe it’s psychology, or maybe (most likely) it’s something we’ll never understand about the human brain – but whatever the reason, these 11 weird impulses will make you raise your eyebrows…or nod in solidarity.

11. Makes perfect sense!

10. We’re competitive by nature.

9. Because…you’re still not sure. Ha!

8. Stage fright!

7. This has to be some kind of evolutionary thing.

6. Because if you never see them they can’t kill you.

5. Same, but because I’m afraid someone died.

4. Okay but that’s just rude.

3. Never let your guard down.

2. Intermittent existential crises are normal.

1. You can be excited or depressed. Pick.

Good luck reining yourselves in out there, people!

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People Share Embarrassing Moments That They Nearly Stopped (But Decided Not To)

Would you stop a friend before they made a complete ass out of themselves, or would you let the chips fall where they may?

Personally, I couldn’t do that to a friend. Maybe a foe.

You’re about to see a lot of chips falling because these 12 people just couldn’t help but watch these embarrassing moments unfold.

12. Tight fit

I was sitting in a car in a Home Depot parking lot watching these two guys tie drywall to the top of their car. They were running the rope through the driver and passenger side window. With the door closed. So, I watched.

Of course they got done, went to open the doors… And couldn’t open them. They had to jump through the window.

One of the guys was a short little fat guy. He hopped into the window and got stuck. I could only see the ass end as he struggled to get in.

The thought of him wedged in the window kicking his feet to get in still cracks me up.

11. That’s a bold strategy Cotton. Let’s see if it pays off.

My colleague who had a crush on one of our higher-ups said he wanted to text her about a basketball game we were watching that we knew she’d be interested in because she brought it up at a meeting.

When he asked what he should say I jokingly said “What are you wearing?” thinking he would understand it was a joke, like any other normal human being.

Instead he started texting it.

I just sat staring then asked “No..you didn’t?” He replied “Oh. Probably shouldn’t have said that.” We waited for her response which was “?” then he came up with “Which jersey? Duh.”

She was very nice about it. Didn’t socialize with him much after that, being married, our boss, older and all…

Probably could have been fired. Michael Scott social skills.

10. Putting them on blast

Not long ago I spent 9 months on an aircraft carrier for deployment. About 6 months in the days were all looking the same so anything for a laugh was welcome.

One afternoon I visited a bathroom near my workstation to find a friend (and the walls and ceiling) dripping wet. He said the toilet had “exploded” in his face when he flushed it. Now, it’s not uncommon for pipes to break and I had a small chuckle at his misfortune. It wouldn’t even have been memorable had it ended there.

A while later I returned (trying to stay hydrated) and someone was in the stall mopping the place up. Again, nothing memorable, i take care of my business and leave but think “wow they fixed that quickly.”

Back again, after a quick drain I’m washing my hands and see someone I don’t really know enter the stall in question. At this point it dawns on me the average repair time for issues like this is usually weeks, not hours. I expected to see tape labeling the stall “secured” but here was this guy, taking a leak in a mopped dry stall. The thought to warn him crosses my mind…… but I just have to know. I need this.

I take a step to my left as the trickle stops. The metal clink of the handle is immediately followed by the rush of a fire hose at full blast. Water sprays clear out onto the mirror I had been looking through, against the stall walls and pounds against the ceiling. When the blast ends, and the bottom of the stall looks like water fall. I hear soggy boots slowly turn around with a squishy “slosh” and out steps a dripping Marine in a drenched uniform.

We exchanged surprised glances as I suppress my laughter. To break the silence he says “well, that sucked,” and slowly sloshed out of the bathroom.

Could have stopped it, but it made my day/week/month/deployment.

9. Shibby Shibby

This one is reversed as it was my friend laughing maniacally while it happened to me.

My college roommate used to work at this chicken restaurant called chicken express. We would go eat at a location close to campus (this was not the location that he actually worked at) pretty often cause its delicious.

So one time he tells me, “hey man when you order the tenders make sure you say ‘shibby shibby’ after your order. That’s the code to tell them you work at Chicken E and they’ll hook you up with like 20 tenders.” Maybe it was wishful thinking or just plain stupidity, but i totally believed him.

We drove through the drive-thru and he was in the back seat. The conversation with the employee went like this:
“Um I’ll have 2 number ones with mashed potatoes… shibby shibby”
“Okay 2 number ones with mashed potatoes and a what was the last thing?”
“…shibby shibby?”
“Having trouble hearing you.. a what now?”
“…shibby..shib…by”
“Sir I have no idea what you’re trying to say, do you wanna pull around?”

At which point I look back and see my friend almost turning blue from trying to hold his laughter in. He totally lost it and I just drove off…

8. She’s not going to have a good time.

I was at a casino buffet once standing in the sushi section waiting for my turn.

This old white lady cuts the line and takes a huge dollup of wasabi and puts it on her plate full of Mexican food.

I can only assume she thought it was guacamole, which for some reason, they kept next to sushi.

In the moment, I felt she deserved what was coming to her.

7. Heavy petting

It happened in high school while watching a educational movie.

We were two classes tucked into a small classroom to watch it together. So people had to sit on the desks as there wasn’t enough chairs. I sat next to my friend’s girlfriend on a desk, with my friend on a chair in front of us.

She strokes her hand through his his hair, he takes his hand behind his back, and proceeds to stroke her leg.

Only thing was, it was my leg.

I poked his girlfriend to let her know what was going on, we both knew what had to be done without uttering the words. We let this go on for a good 5 minutes, constantly fighting the urge to laugh out loud.

Then I slowly pulled my trouser leg up. He stroked my very furry leg for about half a second before he realized something was very wrong.

I’ll never forget his face when he turned around to see what was going on.

6. Flirty McFlirtyson

My wife and I decided to hang out with some friends one night and we noticed a new guy joined the group. He seemed nice but a little off (turned out to be a total stalker who always carried a backpack, we nicknamed it the rape kit).

Anyways, we were playing some games and this guy manages to cut his hand wide open. Since no one really knows they guy I offer to take him to the hospital. My wife and I jump in the car and I let him sit in the front seat. He seems super happy about my wife riding along with us and starts chatting with her.

I keep peeking in the mirror realizing he’s total interested in my wife and my wife is trying to keep a straight face. She lets him flirt trying to be nice and not embarrass him as I drive in silence until we get to the hospital.

He hops out and is trying to make plans with my wife to go out to dinner or a movie and she’s dropping hints like flashing her ring and telling him she’s busy. Finally he’s like fine if you don’t want to go out, just say so. I laugh and tell him I don’t let my wife go out on dates without me.

He got beet red and told us he’d find his own way home. I think I enjoyed watching the boost of confidence it gave my wife the most. I can tell her she’s amazing all the time, but stuff like that is proof.

5. Instant karma’s gonna get you…

Last summer we went camping, and when I tried to use one of the campground coin operated showers I was disappointed when I put in a dollar and it didn’t work. As I waited for the one that DID work a guy came up behind me and said, “hey, it looks like that shower room is vacant, are you waiting for this one in particular?” I explained that I had tried it but that it was out of order, so there was now two of us waiting for one shower room.

Just minutes later a woman and three kids comes by, looks at us waiting in line and makes a dash for the vacant shower room. One of the kids looked at us and quietly asks if there’s a line and she responds “Shhhhhhh”, and the four of them go in and switch the door to “occupied”.

Maybe I’m the one who should be embarrassed by not telling her. Undressing yourself and three kids, inserting quarters that you’ll never get back only to have to re-dress everyone and sheepishly get in the line you should have been in to begin with is probably a bit of an overkill for the crime of seeing an opportunity and taking it.

Anyway, she was there in an even longer line when I got out and glared at me as I went back to my family’s camping spot. It definitely made me feel less bad about allowing her to go on a karmic adventure.

4. With friends like this…

So in college I became friends with this girl who was kind of a world traveler right when I transferred in. She was a part of the international group that welcomed all of the international students and shortly after invited me to a party for all the international students.

I’m meeting lots of new people and there is a really stunning girl from Italy that I was interested in talking to. My friend encouraged me to go open with “Bella figa” when talking with her. “Beautiful girl” was the meaning.

It had Bella in it so I thought what the hell. I make my way to her, introduce myself, and say those magical words. The beautiful Italian girl gave me the most repulsed look and walked away.

I turn around and my friend is laughing hysterically.

It translates to “you have a beautiful pussy.”

3. Chair Force One

While waiting for a briefing, a room full of Air Force airmen intentionally sat in every chair other than a damaged one they knew would dip very far back when someone sat in it.

I arrived and the room was full. The anticipation was palpable. I already knew about the chair – I thought everyone did – so I sat in the only other one available and realized the last person absent at that point was a generally disliked Senior NCO (a higher-up sergeant for those of who you don’t know).

As a junior NCO, I should have taken the initiative to inform said SNCO about the chair when he arrived…and for a second, I was going to tell him.

Then I didn’t. haha

All the airmen erupted in laughter when it happened and it took every ounce of fortitude for me not to, as well. I was definitely LOL on the inside, though. I’m not proud. haha

2. Clitoris!!

Teacher in class reading the review questions from of the end of the textbook chapter. One guy was sort of falling asleep on left side of the room.

The teacher loved calling on people he knew weren’t paying attention. So he calls on him to answer. I don’t remember what the question was.

The guy jumps up in his seat and mumbles to his friend sitting behind him asking what the answer is since he obviously didn’t even hear the question. Without hesitation his friend whispers, “Answer is B, clitoris.”

And as fast as he can he yells out “B. Clitoris.” And once he realizes what he just said sinks lower in his chair than I thought possible and turns fire-engine red, all while swearing at his friend behind him. I laughed so hard I cried.

The teacher just looked at him and pretended he didn’t hear his answer and asked him to give it again. Which he obviously by then figured out what the actual multiple choice options were and gave one of those.

We knew his friend was going to give him the wrong answer and man am I glad everyone let it happen.

1. “I was a 19 year old girl, and even I was grabbing my crotch when I heard it.”

I had a friend in college that dared people to kick him in the balls after he’d had too much to drink. We’ll call him Dave.

Part of his party trick was to keep a straight face the whole time. His success rate had given him a false sense of confidence, so he just kept egging people on. Keep in mind that the ball kickers were usually drunk freshman who could barely put any power into it.

Then one night, he decides to up the ante and ask one of the school athletes in attendance (we’ll call him Ricky.) I knew Ricky played soccer, and though I’m usually the buzzkill that asks everyone to be doubly sure they “really wanna do this,” I decided to let Dave go for it.

Ricky, who was also completely sober, accepted the challenge. He took a deep breath, pretended like he was readying himself for kick off and took aim at Dave’s package. What unfolded after that moment continues to pull at my heartstrings.

The moment that Ricky’s foot met Dave’s crotch elicited a look of horror from every man in the room. Ricky had taken Dave’s dare seriously, and his foot landed with so much force that it was reminiscent of the sound that a boxing glove makes on a bag except with a tiny squish. I was a 19 year old girl, and even I was grabbing my crotch when I heard it.

Dave quietly excused himself, while Ricky apologized profusely. After Dave hadn’t been seen for awhile, I went looking for him and found him lying in a ball on the bathroom floor. He had been there for about half an hour. He looked at me and said “I think I need help.”

Ricky, who was still feeling guilty, was also sober and I asked him to drive us to the hospital. They did the whole nine yards for Dave, including an ultrasound. I waited outside the room, but I could tell that the ultrasound tech was trying to make small talk, so while he was imaging Dave’s balls and shaft, I could hear him talking about a Peter Gabriel album.

The doctor said that Ricky’s foot hit Dave’s crotch with such force that it was as if he had sustained a stab wound to his genitals. He spent the rest of the year with a banana hammock underneath his jeans.

The only funny part was that, since he dressed like a generic hipster, he had to buy new pants so they would fit over it.

tldr; don’t dare people to kick you in the balls

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