15 Funny Jokes for All of You with a Dark Sense of Humor

You know what I’m talking about – the kind that you know you shouldn’t laugh at, but there’s no way to stop it. If those are your bag (and you’re not worried about going straight to hell), these 15 are going to be right up your alley.

15. Did he mean like like?

14. More for me!

13. I feel attacked.

https://geckoes.tumblr.com/post/131063950007/me-god-why-dont-i-have-a-boyfriend-god-i-sent

12. I would read some fiction from teenage Jesus POV.

https://peetasallhehasleft.tumblr.com/post/93942817683/fartgallery-teenage-jesus-watches-as-his

11. Masterfully crafted.

10. Nothing to see here.

9. I don’t know why this is funny, but it is.

https://2wn.tumblr.com/post/100131409998/person-god-dang-it-god-it-has-been-danged

8. Amen.

7. Somebody had too much wine on Thanksgiving.

6. So say we all.

This bible verse always keeps me going from funny

5. *insert evil laugh here*

4. Just thinking out loud here.

3. Moved and seconded.

https://meaninglessmonicker.tumblr.com/post/131228791999/jesus-comes-from-a-shortening-of-the-hebrew

2. Infallible logic.

https://stephdamen.tumblr.com/post/69632586636/albinoblackman-when-jesus-is-born-i-get

1. The inquisition.

I’ll see you in hell, friends!

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People Share What Job They’d Want If Every Occupation Paid the Same Salary

I’ve thought about this one before…

If every job paid the same amount of money, what job would I take? Professional bowler sounds mighty nice right about now.

AskReddit users answered that very question.

What would your answer be? Share in the comments below!

1. Sounds awesome

“Park Ranger in a national park.”

2. Oooohhhhh

“Travel destinations reviewer.”

3. Might be the perfect answer

“During the warmer seasons I would like to make and sell ice cream. During the colder seasons I would like to make and sell soup.”

4. The simple life

“I wanna go back to serving coffee and decorating cakes and donuts.”

5. Surrounded by flowers

“Probably being a florist. I love flowers and the art of design and would love to own a flower shop.”

6. Yes!

“Clerk in a used book store.”

7. Cool

“I would want to build those giant windmills.”

8. “Anonymous” is key

“Anonymous artist.”

9. Might be fun?

“Librarian at a college library.”

10. Doing good work

“Animal rescue.”

11. Actually, this might be mine

“Horror movie special effect artist.”

12. Okay…

“The guy who drives a tractor and mows the highway median.”

13. Always need one of those

“Really would like to open my own pub/deli.”

14. Old timey

“Blacksmith. It’s what I want to do with my life already, and I have a good start on a list of materials to start out, just no time, money, or knowledge yet.”

15. Amen!

“Dog walker or working at a doggy daycare

I just want to be with dogs all day.”

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Cities Are Using This High Pitched ‘Mosquito’ Sound to Get Rid of Teenagers After Curfew

This next viral sensation will make you go Hmmm? Or maybe Ouch!

Kodie Helmer came across the next phenomenon racking up over 95,000 shares on her post:

I need your help! ? Okay so I nabbed me a younger man, I said it….I am slightly OLDER than Chris #cougar ?❤ BUT I am…

Posted by Kodie Helmer on Sunday, July 21, 2019

“I heard on the radio that some businesses and even towns are using a sound wave as a deterrent for teens after curfew, INTERESTING right?! So I looked into it and found a series of sounds that become harder to hear as you *ahem* age. This one in particular cannot be heard by most people over the age of 40.

I CANNOT FLIPPING HEAR THIS!!! But, Chris Helmer can ? I called all our kids in and they were covering their ears!!! So, I got to know below, help me feel better (or worse) Tell me, are you OVER or UNDER 40 and CAN YOU HEAR THIS SOUND?!?!?”

I couldn’t help but check this out. If cities and towns can deter teens with it, it’s gotta be something! Here’s the sound.

Did you hear anything? I sure didn’t! I’m almost forty so my hearing must be going… Drat!

I decided to test this on my husband. He’s forty-three, and I thought if I can’t make out this noise he won’t either. I played it and he shrieked in his recliner, cupping his ears and yelling, “Turn that off! Don’t ever do that again! What the hell is that?”

I asked what it sounded like and he responded, “Like the Devil’s dog whistle.”

(I did play it again. I’m mischievous like that.) 

Anyway, it was strange! How could he cringe and shout and I got nothing?

I did some digging on Helmer’s comment about these sounds shooing away teens after dark and came up with something called the Mosquito. It’s a sonic device used throughout Philadelphia and some other municipalities – but it has also been banned in various cities around the world.

What do you think?

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Zuu the Cat’s Expression Says “I Just Can’t Handle This Anymore”

There are any number of times when our faces surely say “Wtf I cannot with one more thing right now,” but I guarantee you, your face is less expressive for those situations than that of Zuu the cat.

He’s had enough, and he just wants to sleep.

Or have more coffee.

Zuu is an Exotic Longair cat, and he’s just a couple of years old. His owner, Chika, posts pictures of both him and his brother, Bocco (an Exotic Shorthair) on Instagram.

People are loving the pictures, probably because if people love anything more than cats, it’s cats who look as if they understand the human condition better than actual humans.

Seriously, it’s like looking in a mirror first thing in the morning.

If you’re thinking about grabbing one of these cats for yourself, know that they require daily grooming to keep the tear stains off their faces. Also, they’re so lazy that some, like these two floofs, prefer to be hand fed.

But I mean. Who doesn’t?

Just one more reason that I definitely want to come back as a cat, if those sorts of requests are granted.

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15 People Share Bits of Knowledge That Could One Day Save Your Life

If you’re looking to pick up just a few little skills, wouldn’t the ones that could actually save your life one day be at the top of your list?

If so, these 15 redditors have some thoughts on what bits of knowledge could one day mean the difference between life and death!

15. Check for the reflection.

If you’re a pedestrian and crossing a street, if you can see the suns reflection on the windshield of a car, there’s a good chance the driver can not see you.

14. Roll under the platform.

If you ever fall/get pushed down from the platform onto the rails at a subway station, try to roll under the platform. Many stations have space there (like little overhang) for exactly that reason.

13. Don’t fight.

If you fall into cold open water, resist the urge to swim and try to float until the onset of panic subsides. Once you have your breathing under control you can then start to swim to safety. By doing this you will not hyperventilate and avoid potentially drowning.

12. Don’t charge it.

If you have to get through a locked door, don’t charge into it with your shoulder. Instead, kick it straight on next to the doorknob/handle. This has a much better chance of breaking the lock.

Edit: It’s better to mule-kick the door next to the lock instead of facing forward while you kick. It’s safer for you and you can apply more/better force that way.

11. Never go alone.

Always leave your itinerary with someone.

If you meet strangers, i.e., potential bad people, on the road, always let them know that you are in touch with friends and family and that they know exactly where you are. You become less attractive as a victim.

Edit: Always let strangers know that you have a destination and are expected at a particular time, too.

10. They can’t make sudden turns.

If a rhino is running towards you, wait until the last second then side step out of the way. Rhinos cannot make sudden turns and will give you a couple seconds head start to run in the other direction. Repeat as necessary!

9. Avoid it at all costs.

If you are ever bitten by a bat, raccoon, fox, or skunk go directly to the hospital. There is no cure for rabies once it is fully onset.

8. Know the symptoms.

Female heart attack symptoms are often different than those commonly described, and women commonly assume they are just fatigued, or have the flu and die as they do not seek medical treatment.

Uncomfortable pressure, squeezing, fullness or pain in the center of your chest. It lasts more than a few minutes, or goes away and comes back.

Pain or discomfort in one or both arms, the back, neck, jaw or stomach.

Shortness of breath with or without chest discomfort.

Other signs such as breaking out in a cold sweat, nausea or lightheadedness.

As with men, women’s most common heart attack symptom is chest pain or discomfort. But women are somewhat more likely than men to experience some of the other common symptoms, particularly shortness of breath, nausea/vomiting and back or jaw pain.

Women are more likely to lack chest pain; instead, they may experience shortness of breath, pressure or pain in the lower chest or upper abdomen, dizziness, lightheadedness or fainting, upper back pressure or extreme fatigue.”

If you or a woman you know is fatigued, out of breath, has jaw pain and neck tension, feels nauseous, etc. They may be suffering a heart attack! Chest an left arm pain is not a universal symptom.

Edit: Panic Attack symptoms often mimic Heart Attack Symptoms. If you have chronic incidents where it feels you are having a Heart Attack, especially if you are cleared by an EKG or a Cardiologist, it is possible Anxiety is the true source. In this case, Psychologists and Psychiatrists are ideal for helping you identify, manage and overcome your symptoms as well as providing techniques to prevent future Panic Attacks.

7. Know your exits.

When you go into a building look for an exit that is not the one you used to come in. In an emergency most people will head out their original exit, but you will head out of the exit less traveled…and it may make all the difference.

6. Check your cleaning supplies.

Never use bleach and ammonia based cleaning products at the same time/in the same room. A combination of both their vapours creates chloramine vapor which can kill you if inhaled.

Check your cleaning supplies to see what’s in them (especially toilet and tile cleaners).

5. Fire hazard.

If you ever use boiled linseed oil to treat wood, dont leave soaked rags lying in the trash. They oxidize, and after a few hours can self-combust.

4. Don’t be so polite.

EMT here!

If you’re ever choking on food in a public venue DO NOT go to the restroom to avoid causing a scene. Almost every death I’ve seen from people choking are found unconscious in a bathroom stall because they were too polite to seek help.

3. Just keep swimming.

If you ever are kayaking and become pinned upside down, swim down deeper into the water to escape the kayak. You may not be able to flip it over.

2. A ten-inch blind spot.

If you’re ever charged by a moose, get behind a tree.. they have about a ten inch blind spot and they’ll lose you..

1. Stay calm.

If you’ve been buried alive in a standard coffin, stay calm. If you are alive you haven’t been buried that long. Also the dirt above you hasnt set yet. Most coffins are not build to last once buried and as a result have weak siding. So here is what you do:

Pull your shirt over your head. You dont want to be swallowing dirt

Position yourself so you are as sideways in the coffin as possible with hands and feet pushing on the long sides.

PUSH. You should be able to blow out one of the walls.

Start crawling up. Do not panic. You may not find a grip immidiately.

Keep going until you make it out.

I’m off to YouTube!

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A Woman Lost Clumps of Hair After She Bought Conditioner Spiked with Nair

You know that girl who licked a carton of Blue Bell ice cream and put it back, sparking a nationwide panic about tampered-with products? Yeah, apparently people are out there tampering with hair conditioner, too, as one poor woman in Wisconsin learned the hard way.

Taffy Jo Trimm and her daughter Ashley Rose bought a bottle of Pantene conditioner from a Walmart in New Richmond, Wisconsin. Conditioner bottles often don’t have any sort of protective seal on them, and, in this case, the conditioner must have been tampered with by some heinously evil individual. After Ashley used the conditioner, her hair started falling out in massive clumps. Also, the conditioner was an “ugly pink color” instead of the usual white, Taffy wrote on Facebook.

Attention new Richmond Walmart shoppers be aware of shampoo and conditioner you buy there as my daughter Ashley Rose…

Posted by Taffy Jo Timm on Sunday, July 28, 2019

“Attention New Richmond Wisconsin Walmart shoppers,” Taffy wrote. “be aware of shampoo and conditioner you buy there as my daughter Ashley Rose bought some two days ago and someone mixed Nair in her conditioner bottle!!!! As I speak she is losing hair and crying!!”

After the ordeal, Ashley had bald spots on her head. She wrote her own Facebook post about her painful experience, sharing photos of her hair loss.

Posted by Taffy Jo Timm on Monday, July 29, 2019

“My hair was finally the way I loved it to be and now it’s gone,” she wrote. “Pictures do not do it justice or show the 100 percent damage it has caused me. My heart hurts terribly…Check your bottles wherever you get them, nothing can be trusted anymore.”

Ashley tried to get hair extensions, but her remaining hair was brittle and falling out. She ended up shaving her head.

Ashley and Taffy reported the incident to the police, who will be reviewing the security camera footage to determine who tampered with the conditioner and whether other bottles were affected.

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People Share What They Think Screams “I Peaked in High School”

If you weren’t one of the “cool kids” in your high school, you probably remember looking at the really popular kids and saying to yourself, “Wow, they’re gonna be the kings of the hill forever…”

Annnnnnd then, about ten years after graduation, you see them and realize that some folks really do peak in high school. You know the type.

AskReddit users share what behavior screams “I peaked in high school.”

You’ll enjoy these…

1. Wow…

“Getting the score of the football game you won against the school’s rival tattooed on your shoulder.”

2. Still hanging around

“When I was in high school, this guy a year before me had a fearsome reputation. At house parties, people would fear him just by name alone. He would show up to parties with his cronies and start fights. He came from a decent enough family. Everybody wanted to be on his good side.

Anyway, he graduates high school, and most of us were still in 12th grade. I remember he used to come around lunctime to smoke with the people out front, shoot the breeze and talk about how much fun it is to just sleep in and do nothing and have all this freedom.

A couple of months of “Ohhh cool!” To, “Why are you still here?” as we awkwardly shuffled back to class.”

3. That’s not good

“I dated a guy with his high school mascot tattooed on his arm. It was such a turnoff.”

4. Still holding on

“A guy who graduated from my high school back in 2003 was arrested a few years ago for his 2nd DUI. He was wearing his Letterman jacket in his mugshot.”

5. I’ll buy the beer!

“Partying with high schoolers when you’re 30.”

6. Sad!

“At my ten year reunion, the prom queen came wearing a tiara with a custom “Queen ’03” sash over her shoulder. I had to go outside I was laughing so hard.

But I’ll be damned if she didn’t rock that outfit the while time, so, respect.

Still sad though.”

7. The King and Queen

“Billy Joel feels compelled to write a ballad about how you and your ex were the king and the queen of the prom, how the two of you married right after high school, and how it all went to hell from there. Bonus points if your names happen to be Brenda and Eddie.”

8. Nerds!

“Still bullying the “nerds” at your 10 year reunion.”

9. The good ol’ days

“Sharing EVERY memory from Facebook talking about the “good ol days” and “wish we could go back” when it’s only been a few years since graduation.”

10. How’s that working out?

“Dropping out of college to promote your pyramid scheme.”

11. Oh no!

“Me, in a horrid realization, in the back of my ’92 Camaro, while icing that knee I blew out at the championship game senior year, reading through the divorce papers.”

12. You guys wanna hang out?

“Selling pot to teenagers and then trying to get them to stay and smoke with you.”

13. Jeez…

“Filming yourself running drills and throwing footballs off camera in front of your van/mobile home.”

14. That is embarrassing

“The class that graduated before me had their ten year reunion last year and apparently a big fight broke out over something that happened when they were all still in high school. I guess that is one way to tell if someone peaked in high school. Pretty embarrassing.”

15. Still trying to live the dream

“Forcing your kids to be good at sports.”

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15 People Share the Basic Life Skills They Should’ve Learned, but Never Did

Okay, time for everyone to spill their guts…

Are there certain life skills that most adults have…except you, who are totally clueless? Maybe changing a tire? Cooking even the most basic meal?

A Twitter user shared this post and it set off an epic thread where people came clean about what they don’t know how to do.

Here are some of the best responses.

1. Keep trying!

2. Might want to work on that

3. I can’t either…

4. A dying skill

5. Where am I?

6. Panic-inducing

7. That’s kind of hard TBH

8. I’m with you on this one, brother

9. Ironing sucks

10. 0% success rate

11. The videos aren’t helping

12. Let me explain…

13. Can’t snap

14. Bunny ears

15. Don’t give up yet

What are the basic life skills you never learned? Share in the comments!

I think I might need to hire a life coach…

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15 Funny Tweets About Sex

These tweets are decidedly NOT hot.

Why does everyone have to be so serious about sex? Have a laugh about it once in a while!

Like these folks did!

1. Wait, not like that

2. It’s true

3. Splendid

4. Shook

5. Seriously

6. Don’t mess this up

7. WTF

8. Think that’s what happened?

9. That’s a good one

10. Why not?

11. Hey o!

12. Which one was it?

13. Not gonna happen

14. That’s a dealbreaker

15. Practice makes perfect

Funny stuff!

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This Is Why Men Fall Asleep After Sex (Don’t Worry, It’s Not You)

Listen up, people!

Ladies, have you ever had your world rocked in bed by your male lover? Have you experienced the dreamy, lovey-dovey state of a powerful orgasm and then the need to cuddle afterwards?

I hope so.

But I’m sure you’ve also noticed that during intimacy talk, your man drifts a bit, perhaps even falls into a deep sleep, leaving you…what? Alone? Unable to express your love and emotions? Darn it…

Photo Credit: Unsplash, Toa Heftiba

Don’t worry – he’s not sleeping as an excuse to escape cuddle time or ignore your connecting relationship. He’s doing it because you rocked his world. True story!

Male orgasms differ chemically from women’s

It goes without saying that the act of orgasming is experienced in different ways among the sexes. Men ejaculate externally while women “explode” internally. But what does this mean for brain chemistry?

When a man crosses the sexual finish line, his energy is literally spent. His prefrontal cortex (which houses decision making, personal expression, etc) pretty much switches off. Since this is the epicenter of consciousness, alertness, and mental activity, his brain basically gets sleepy.

But in women? Our orgasms doesn’t cause the same sort of energy expense, therefore we can talk and cuddle after sex. Le sigh.

Body reactions to sex and orgasm

Photo Credit: Unsplash, Adi Goldstein

There are many things…um…surging during sex and foreplay. And prolactin, a hormone excreted during playtime plays a huge factor. According to one study, “Research has shown that pituitary hormone prolactin (PRL) plays a role in regulating sexual satisfaction for both men and women.”

David McKenzie, a sex therapist in Vancouver told Reader’s Digest, “A man’s body chemistry changes after orgasm. The biochemical prolactin is released, physically altering his body and making him very tired.”

But that’s not all. Glycogen, a storage of carbohydrates, is spent as well.

Mark Leyner and Billy Goldberg, M.D., authors of Why Do Men Fall Asleep After Sex?, give their explanation: “It is thought that exertion during sex and after climax depletes the muscles of energy-producing glycogen. This leaves men feeling sleepy. Since men have more muscle mass than women, men become more tired after sex.”

Women like to process their experience

Photo Credit: Unsplash, Becca Tapert

Regardless of chemical increases and depletions, it is a simple fact that women enjoy conversational intimacy with their partners.

Laurie Betito, a Montreal sex therapist, said,”Women like to ‘process’ their experiences, hence the desire to talk after sex.”

As a woman, I can vouch for that. I’m better at communicating emotions after sex and therefore crave that tender heart-to-heart talk with my beau, even if he’s drifting off.

So no matter why you might think about your man drifting away into a post-coital slumber, it’s purely a matter of chemicals and fatigue. It is not you.

If anything, take it as a compliment that you wore him out!

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