Category: jokes

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Funny Tweets to Improve Your Day

I bet you didn’t know that there are over 5,000 tweets sent out every single second. It’s impossible to wrap my head around that number of tweets. That means that there was a new oooooonnnneee NOW.

And NOW.

And NOW.

And now and now and now andnowandnowandNOW.

And juuuuuuust now.

AND NOW.

…and now.

You know what, this is getting exhausted, let’s just look at some of the ones that caught our eye recently.

10. What a morning

I mean, technically it’s a bar. Call it a Pavlovian response.

9. Gimme yum yums

Mmm, yes, interesting, curly fries, please do go on.

8. The truth comes out

Speak from the truest part of yourself.

7. Stuck in the middle

Just like this hot pocket, I’m ice cold on the inside.

6. No you don’t

The only place I’m driving you is crazy.

5. Consumed by thought

It’s really been eating me up.

4. I see dead people

If that’s what the afterlife is I hope I never die.

3. Avoidant joys

Sorry for explaining that. Thank you. Sorry.

2. Shrinkage

The hot stuff doesn’t leave you feeling like hot stuff.

1. Oh, dip

Don’t forget fruitlessly half-trying to clean up the crumbs.

There are so very many tweets, and so little time. We’ll never be able to keep up with all of the clever things people are saying on the platform, but at least we’ve found a few gems among the deluge to enjoy.

Who are your favorite people to follow on Twitter?

Tell us who you think we should be following in the comments.

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Great Memes to Give You Strength

If I’m picking my phone up, it’s for a few different reasons.

I’m either A) switching to a new podcast episode, B) reluctantly opening my email and not answering any of it, or C) fixin’ to look at some memes.

If I were to form that into some sort of pie chart, C would account for the biggest slice by far. Memes are the lifeblood of the internet, and in turn, sort of the heart of us all.

Here are twelve memes to give you strength.

12. The cool parents

That’s the highest I’d ever seen Brad Pitt and it’s messing with me a little.

Via: someecards

11. Pure enjoyment

Doesn’t even care that she’s wearing white after Labor Day.

Via: someecards

10. Killer time

And then the next week…and the next…and the next…and the next…

Via: someecards

9. The hydration pause

Thanks for interrupting my dreams, ya stupid thirst.

Via: someecards

8. Something’s cooking

Nobody cared who I was until I put on the mask.

Via: someecards

7. Signed, sealed, delivered

I don’t care how good the tip is, I would nope outta there real fast.

Via: someecards

6. Stacking up

Am I a joke to you?

Via: someecards

5. Quite a reach

Please just let me keep ignoring all this adult stuff.

Via: someecards

4. Thrill rides

No thanks, I’d like to get off please.

Via: someecards

3. Just hangin’

Call it a gut feeling but I think we’re gonna have a great time.

Via: someecards

2. Wash over me

Surprise! It’s worry time!

Via: someecards

1. Just kidding

And that’s the LEAST of the damage.

Via: someecards

Remember, for every meme you take, you should plant at least two more. That’s what’s going to keep memes sustainable for our children.

What are your favorite kinds of memes?

Tell us in the comments.

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Tweets That Might Heal All Your Sadness…But Probably Not

Are you having a weird day? Yeah, aren’t we all. But don’t sweat it, because we’ve got funny tweets, and four out of five doctors who I’m imagining in my mind recommend funny tweets as a stress reliever, anti-depressant, mood stabilizer, and growth hormone. They are truly a panacea.

Enjoy these ten random Twitter funnies that will heal you of all your woes, maybe.

10. It’s nacho business

Now I want these more than life itself, thanks a lot.

9. Killing it

No innocent person runs that much.

8. Lend a hand

Yeah man, I can dig it.

7. Law and coffee orders

I’d be great at this job as long as we were guaranteed to catch the killer in 42 minutes or less.

6. The Disney princess effect

Them trash bandits are at it again.

5. Armed and dangerous

Why can’t I hold all this life?

4. One track mind

Did you just pull up a pro/con list on your phone?

3. A slice of life

“Have you seen our BLT? It was shaped like this.”

2. Different time zone

I think it’s safe to say that my mind is more or less in a constant state of buffering.

1. Suspiciously tranquil

This tweet was written mid-2020, it can’t possibly be accurate.

Ah, the miraculous power of the internet. If those tweets didn’t completely cure you of all your troubles, we’ll give you a full refund of what you paid for them, guaranteed.

If Twitter was limited to discussing one topic and one topic only, what would/should it be?

Tell us your opinion in the comments.

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Tweets for People Who’d Like to Stop Aging NOW

Were you aware that the longer you live, the older you get? I know. It’s weird.

And unwelcome. I didn’t sign up for aging, or having responsibilities, or being a sentient life form of any kind, really. If I had my druthers, I’d probably have chosen to be a nice tree. Something chill and low maintenance. But noooo. I had to become a being of inexplicable consciousness formed within the miracle that is the human brain. Plus I have to pay bills and stuff. Lame.

Here are fifteen tweets about getting older to help soothe the joint pain.

15. We all scream

That’s a cold, hard fact.

14. Loosen up

The only thing I’m chugging now is Metamucil.

13. Poetry in Motrin

You can never be too careful.

12. Take a hit

You’re officially an adult when you stop being surprised by the presence of a dinner table.

11. Taking inventory

This is why digital assistants need to step up their game.

10. Pride of ownership

See it’s funny because the economy that enriched our parents was stolen out from under us by greed.

9. Real cool

Sitcoms are people in their 30’s playing people in their 20’s with no jobs and a $3,000/month apartment.

8. Wine about it

The date stamp on this tweet is ironic. Little did they know this would be the legal limit for all of us pretty soon after.

7. Bring the noise

It’s called the old man creak and I’ve made peace with it.

6. Plot holes

What are friends for?

5. Cut to the chase

Let it grow, let it grooooow, can’t hold it back anymore…

4. Consequences

Thanks a lot, biology.

3. Diminishing returns

For most of us $1,000 just means “you’re allowed to keep living in your home for another few weeks.”

2. Key phrases

Should probably keep it in a drawer for the rest of my life just in case.

1. High standards

Smokin’ hot takes over here.

That’s it, I refuse to age. Somebody get me Benjamin Button on the line, I need to learn his weird secrets.

What’s the weirdest thing about getting older to you?

Tell us in the comments.

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Very High Quality Tweets That Will Meet Your Standards

Believe it or not, our panel of experts have been hard at work examining each of these tweets for quality, durability, and safety.

They have passed the most rigorous standards and received the highest levels of certification available in the industry.

By which I mean, I looked at them all and I laughed and now I’m showing them to you ’cause I feel like it.

You are most deeply welcome.

Check out these ten quality tweets that are fit to pass any inspection.

10. Breaking decent

Way to look on the bright side, I guess?

9. Coming to an arrangement

If you live in an apartment complex just know that your neighbors hate you now.

8. Chunked up

I need to see your data and your research methodology, please.

7. Getting a head

Maybe it’s an exciting new combination!

6. Just in time

Learning is for nerds.

5. Get with the program

Well something needs to get debugged.

4. Proof of purchase

“Will I need a record of the fact that I bought this tube of toothpaste? We can’t know. There’s just no way to know.”

3. Talk birdie to me

The longer you look at it the worse it gets.

2. Cutting deep

What if they’re deeply into making deep dish?

1. Top of the pile

And losing all your friends in the process!

I dare you to find higher quality tweets than that. Those are built to last. Quality craftsmanship. Those are the kind of solidly constructed tweets that make me proud to be a citizen of the internet.

What kinds of tweets do you like the most?

Tell us in the comments.

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Memes That Are on the Money About Life in 2020

The economy is all over the place and things are looking pretty sketchy right about now.

I’m no expert in these matters but I propose a solution: let’s turn to a meme-based economy. Like cryptocurrencies, except not like that at all, because I honestly don’t understand how those work.

What I’m saying is let’s start treating memes like money and it’ll probably go great! Even if it doesn’t, we’ll have all these memes to laugh at, which will distract us from how not-great everything went. You can’t lose.

To give you an idea of how this would go, I’ve gathered twelve completely random memes and assigned a currency conversion calculation to let you know what I think they’re worth.

12. Mind on my money

Meme value: $1.00

Via: someecards

11. Gettin’ chipped, gotta dip

Meme value: $4.79, the retail price of a family sized bag.

Via: someecards

10. Pupper slumber

Meme value: $4 and gentle pats on the head.

Via: someecards

9. All in the phrasing

Meme value: $2 and the wisdom to know who not to screw with.

Via: someecards

8. Killing it

Meme value: the college fund your parents didn’t end up having to spend on you.

Via: someecards

7. Die laughing

Meme value: your life.

Via: someecards

6. Pain by numbers

Meme value: the price of a set of permanent markers and even more permanent emotional scarring.

Via: someecards

5. Chill pills

Meme value: $50, or a $10 copay with insurance.

Via: someecards

4. I scream

Meme value: priceless.

Via: someecards

3. Phony phone time

Meme value: dog.

Via: someecards

2. Follow your memes

Meme value: an $8 take and bake pizza.

Via: someecards

1. The grudge

Meme value: a forest worth of burn books.

Via: someecards

Some critics have claimed that my system of memes as currency “makes no sense,” and “is wildly inconsistent.” But to them I say – that’s never stopped us before.

Do you think we should replace money with memes? Why or why not?

Tell us your scholarly opinion in the comments.

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10 Tweets to Improve Your Day

For a long time, tweets were limited to just 140 characters. Then in 2017, they decided to up the limit to 280.

Interestingly though, they found that in beta testing, most people still preferred to keep the messages shorter even with more real estate allowed. Seems that the entire appeal of Twitter is in the brevity, whether that’s in the service of a pithy social statement or just a dumb joke.

Here, briefly, are ten short tweets that are definitely dumb jokes.

10. Inside out

A modern rendition of the scream.

9. Knife to meet you

Yanno, I think I could take a stab at cooking too.

8. Sleep with me

That’s not your fellow, that’s your pillow.

7. Time flies

Ah, Hollywood. Where 27 years olds are teenagers and 40 year olds are ancient.

6. Speaking my language

It’s like they say, communication is key.

5. The best part of waking up

It’s a late start, but it’s still a start, I guess?

4. Oh hi doggy

The dog will never say anything stressful or disappointing back.

3. Shelf help

You don’t have to be well read to put this one together.

2. Technically speaking

The best KIND of correct.

1. Terrible lizards

This tweet has absolutely made my day in ways I can’t even explain.

In the spirit of what makes twitter great, we’ll keep it brief and end it there. Just ten little random messages tailor-made by strangers to make us giggle. Hope that short trip has brightened your day!

Who are your favorite people on Twitter right now?

Tell us in the comments.

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Relationship Memes That Give Us All Something to Aspire To

All of us are out here trying our best to form lasting and meaningful relationships. It’s not always easy, especially when we have this vision in our head of what everything is supposed to be, or supposed to feel like. That kind of idealization can get in the way sometimes. Other times, it can clarify what we want and what we need.

And then there are memes.

I don’t know if these relationship goal memes are helpful, hurtful, or just stupid, but they sure do give me something to aspire to.

10. Ride on

This is either adorable or deeply kinky or both.

9. Serving looks

Find you a man who looks at you like Drake looks at everybody.

8. Alienating love

Yeah I’m your soulmate, you’ve just got a weird soul.

7. Love me through the phone

These iPhone sizes are getting out of hand.

6. Monkey business

Why were you sleeping in confetti though?

5. Lasagna love

Without you, it’s a constant case of the Mondays.

4. Order up

Yeah I’ll have uuuuuhhhhhhhh fulfillment.

3. Sleep with me

Say no more, I’ll bring my own pillow and everything.

2. Street style

I think I’ll just park myself right here for a while.

1. Fry do

I hear wedding bells and Taco Bells in equal measure.

If I didn’t know what I wanted before, I certainly do now. And it’s fries. I want a bunch of fries.

What are your relationship goals?

Tell us in the comments.

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Important Lessons That 2020 Has Taught All of Us

What have we learned in 2020 so far?

It’s kind of impossible to say. On the one hand, it feels like the year in which we all lived a thousand lifetimes and gained the perspectives and heights of wisdom that come with such figurative reincarnations. On the other hand, it kinda feels like we’ve gone nowhere and done nothing and learned jack squat. Maybe the truth is somewhere in between?

To shed some light on the subject, let’s have a look at these ten 2020 memes and see if we can discern a lesson from them.

10. Nothing makes sense

God is just extremely drunk right now.

9. Protect yourself

They saw their chance and they took it, by golly.

8. Stock up on arrows

Those folks had it right from the start.

7. Take every opportunity

You never know what year might be your last chance to really start some sh*t with Uncle Ron.

6. It’s a nice excuse

With an attitude like that, not many people are gonna ask questions.

5. It’s the little things that count

If only I could pretend to be busy around other people instead of pretending to be busy around no people.

4. The more things change, the more they stay the same

How many dudes have just been riding this wave?

3. Standards will shift

I don’t even wanna know what the 2021 goals will be.

2. Remember to excuse yourself

I can feel the heat of a thousand grocery aisle stares just reading this.

1. Stay safe out there

Having to face off with this crisis hasn’t been easy, but we’re doing it.

Not sure if those are actually the most helpful lessons in the world, but at the end of the day, at least they’re lessons?

What have you learned in 2020?

Tell us in the comments.

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Tweets That Capture this Year in a Painfully Funny Way

I don’t know how to tell you this, but, 2020 has been kinda bad.

I know, you probably need to sit down and have a glass of water or something after a revelation like that but, this is a year that has been just a little bit of a kerfuffle, if you’ll pardon the language. I’d even go so far as to say it’s been less than ideal. And you can quote me on that, controversial as it may be.

I suppose one minor upswing for which we can be grateful is the grace and wit with which the funny people of Twitter have continued to respond to these ever-weirder times. Here are ten tweets about 2020 that almost make it funny-funny.

10. True heroism

I shot a bunch of ventilators into the ocean to celebrate.

9. Do you really need to ask?

There is no way to properly pose or answer this question anymore.

8. Simply the best

Success looks a little bit different for everyone.

7. Exotic perspectives

Man, remember when THIS was all the rage?

6. Little victories, tiny defeats

What even is a “best life?” sounds like a scam.

5. Murder rates

So on top of everything you’re living in a Hitchcock movie. Neat.

4. Spooky times

I um…I think this boat has sailed.

3. Opportunity knocks

Get on this Mad Max vibe early, you’ll come out ahead.

2. Do ya feel lucky, punk?

All hail your new, unlikely king.

1. Pretty simple

Hey, go make sure you’re registered to vote at vote.org.

Not sure if those are quite bangin’ enough to make this year worthwhile, but they do at least ease the troubles. Hang in there, everybody!

What’s the biggest thing you learned in 2020?

Tell us in the comments.

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