You know there is no escape from the Elf on the Shelf if you have kids.
You little ones expect you to constantly up the ante and get that little, mischievous elf into unusual situations every morning. It can really stress mom and dad out!
Well, if you’re looking for some fresh ideas, these photos might inspire you.
Here’s a little song I wrote about putting up outdoor Christmas decorations it’s called “Fuck You Fucking Christmas Lights You Fucking Fucks” and a one and a two
Half of this strand of Christmas lights doesn’t work so I’m just going to ball it back up and toss it in the bin so it can piss me off again next year.
My husband just brought in 8 boxes of shiny, jingly, Christmas decorations and left me to decorate with three kids so he could do non-time-sensitive pool maintenance.
Christmas is around the corner, so for a lot of people, that means the annual Secret Santa party (or maybe more).
It might be at your office or at your aunt’s house, but they’re all pretty much the same, right? Sometimes these parties are a lot of fun and other times…maybe not so much…
How about we Ha Ha Ha while we Ho Ho Ho?
Ready? Go!
1. Oh, great…
That moment you pull a name for Secret Santa and realize it's somebody lame.
no one wants to do secret santa with me and i assume it’s because they know i’m too good at it and they’ll just feel bad. that’s what i choose to believe.
Secret Santa is infinitely harder when your gift recipient is a dermatologist. There’s no way I’m passing muster with a scented soap or lotion this year
— Mara “Get Rid of the Nazis” Wilson (@MaraWilson) December 13, 2018
10. Wait, it’s not?
I'm sorry, I thought that a Secret Santa's job is to share all the secrets they know about the person with everyone in the office.
The holidays are a time of surveillance — even before the Elf on the Shelf, there was Santa Claus and his ever-present watchful eye, waiting to put you on the naughty list. So, it’s sort of a natural progression that there’s now an Elf on the Shelf who’s a literal cop, thanks to the NYPD.
The New York Police Department made a new Elf on the Shelf who is a member of the city’s 19th precinct. His name is, uh, Pete.
The department tweeted a photo of the Elf, and their caption might sound familiar.
In the criminal justice system, candy cane assaults are considered especially heinous.
In New York City, the dedicated detective who investigates these vicious crimes is a member of an elite squad & is known as #PeteOnTheBeat. These are his stories. #DunDunpic.twitter.com/LUMGs4n8E4
“In the criminal justice system, candy cane assaults are considered especially heinous,” the tweet reads. “In New York City, the dedicated detective who investigates these vicious crimes is a member of an elite squad & is known as #PeteOnTheBeat. These are his stories. #DunDun.”
They also gave Pete his own backstory in other tweets. He joins the 19th precinct on temporary assignment “from the far North” for a “holiday pilot program—to determine if you’ve been bad or good.”
Pete even attended his first daily briefing of the naughty and nice list.
“#PeteOnTheBeat making a list to be checked twice,” they wrote.
North Pole’s Most Wanted
Studying our naughty list #PeteOnTheBeat needs your help, if you know anything about these individuals please call our Detectives at (212) 452-0630. All calls are completely confidential. pic.twitter.com/k9jhD7pr6o
In other photos, Pete accidentally scans himself with the scanner, helps decorate the precinct, and studies the naughty “Most Wanted” list. The list consists of such famous criminals as the Grinch and Oogie Boogie.
And there are so many more:
If you’re ever in need of our assistance, always remember, NYPD Precincts are open 24/7, 365 days a year.
Fellow Elf “Jimmy” was in need of #PeteOnTheBeat’s help reporting a stolen —& while Grand Larceny Sleigh (GLS) complaints are rare, it will be fully investigated. pic.twitter.com/IxNkjpBfhy
Traded in his reindeer for a trusty K-9 named “Buddy.”#PeteOnTheBeat & Buddy have joined the ranks of our elite K-9 unit & are making their rounds on the Upper East Side, sniffing out grinches to add to the naughty list.pic.twitter.com/6DPUAuKvm2
This turned out to be quite a combination: a dad left on his own to shop without his wife and a dad who knew how to use Photoshop to mess with that wife.
The dad I’m talking about went to buy a Christmas tree without his wife because she was too busy and so he decided to mess with her a little bit using Photoshop to convince her that he bought an enormous tree.
Take a look at the whole conversation, which was posted on Imgur.
Are you stressed out about getting your gifts perfectly wrapped for the holidays? A new study says: don’t be.
Researchers at the University of Nevada found that poorly wrapped presents make people happier than perfectly wrapped ones. This is because, in part, perfect-looking presents look so great on the outside that whatever’s inside may not live up to expectations. If a gift looks sloppy, though, the recipient is likely to be pleasantly surprised by the actual gift. They also appreciate the effort that was made. The gratitude and surprise leaves them feeling happy and joyful.
One of the study’s co-authors, Jessica Rixom, Ph.D., got her idea for the study from her time working at a chocolate shop. She explained,
“They offered a wrapping service, so I learned how to wrap very neatly with crisp edges, just the right amount of paper, etc. I started wrapping my own gifts that way and many years later, when wrapping presents with a friend, I noticed that all of the gifts in my pile were neat while all of theirs were messy, even though they were trying. This made us wonder whether the way the gift was wrapped would have any influence on how the gifts themselves were perceived and that’s how it started.”
The study tested what Rixom and the other researchers call “expectation disconfirmation theory.”
“Based on participants’ answers to various questions, it suggested that the reason why this happens is because the neat wrapping sets higher expectations for the gift inside, which makes it harder for the gifts to live up to those expectations. When the gifts are unwrapped, the recipient is a bit disappointed whereas when it’s wrapped sloppily, expectations are lower so the gift is more of a pleasant surprise.”
So, don’t worry at all if your gifts look like they were wrapped by a five-year-old. It doesn’t take away from the power of the gift—it might even make it stronger.
It’s officially the holiday season! Lots of gifts, including really odd gifts from your family, most notably your Uncle Al who likes to give really weird presents every year.
Do you have someone in your family who gives odd gifts for holidays and birthdays?
“One year I came home for Christmas and my mom had been asking me what I wanted for Christmas and I told her I didn’t want anything, I had everything I need and not to get me anything.
Well, come Christmas morning there were a number of gifts with my name on them.. we always hand out all the gifts first and we each had a pretty decent pile..
We always start with the youngest and go up so I was like 3rd or 4th in line, and everyone had pretty normal gifts.. gloves, PJs, usual winter gift stuff.
My turn comes up, I probably have maybe 8 or 9 small packages to open. I open the first one and it’s a box of hamburger helper.. I laughed and was like, uh thanks Mom..and then I continue.. after 3 boxes of hamburger/tuna helper there’s a couple cans of chef boyardee and spaghettios and I’m like.. do you think I’m not eating or something, or are you trying to kill me? What’s with all the random food?
Her response? “No, I just felt bad that you didn’t have anything to open on Christmas! You can go put those back in the cabinet when you’re done.”
Thanks, mom. ”
2. What a gift!
“A co-worker of mine won a radio show contest where people were invited to describe the crappiest office gift they ever got. My friend was the secretary of an IT company and her boss gave her a plastic bowl for Christmas. And it wasn’t even a nice plastic bowl. The first time she put it in the microwave, it melted. She won the contest and got a $100 gift card to Outback Steak House. Her boss insisted she take him since it was his crappy gift that caused her to win the contest.”
3. There’s always an uncle like this…
“My uncle is notoriously cheap. One year he gave me a magazine that had Ichiro Suzuki on the cover. It was a free magazine (as it stated on the bottom of the cover). Another year he also gave me a free t-shirt he had gotten for running a race. Possibly the best, was the birthday gift he gave my dad one year- a McDonalds Happy Meal toy.:
4. Can’t talk trash because he’s the boss.
“Maybe not the most WTF, but at my old company, we had a secret Santa gift exchange. The manager drew my name, and gifted me a very clearly used zoodler. He proceeded to explain, in front of everyone, that he though I would have more use for it, as he only ate “real noodles”.
I don’t work there anymore.”
5. What are you talking about, Granny?
“I got a 3 foot tall stuffed Mr. Peanut doll from my 89 year old Grandma for Christmas…when I was 23.
She said “I know how you like to collect things like this.” Not sure what she was talking about.
I did kind of love it though and still have it 12 years later.”
6. Mocked mercilessly.
“An Egyptian pharaoh pen when i was in middle school. It was all gold colored, and the pen barrel stuck out between his legs. Needless to say i was mocked mercilessly by my classmates for having this massive Egyptian dong pen.”
7. Give it away, now.
“I have been disabled my entire life. It affects the footwear choices in my life. My mom has bought me dozens of pairs of slippers that I cannot wear. Sometimes multiple pairs per year. I have given up at this point. I just give them away.
When I was a teen, before I moved out she also had given me embroidered dish towels with weird sayings.
She also refuses to actually get my damn size and just holds clothes in the air and looks at them to decide if it looks like it should fit.”
8. An empty box.
“A cheese and champagne gift set that had the champagne and most of the other goodies taken out of it. So cheese in a mostly empty box.”
9. Thanks?
“When I was a kid (6 or 7) I had surgery on nearly all of the fingers on my dominant hand (the other hand came later!), scary surgery for a kid though pretty simple, mostly boring and a few weeks of pain, my aunt (who I love) sent me a coloring book in the hospital as a “cheer-up” / “pass the time” gift.
If it’s the thought that counts, I like to say, we should think hard ….”
10. Actually…
“I randomly went to some extended family Christmas event and they gave me a woven basket. Within ten minutes, they had asked for the basket back. It “meant something” to them?? I didn’t really care, I thought it was odd and funny.”
11. Dammit, Mom!
“A lavender gift set (eye mask, cream, perfume) from my mother in law. I am severely allergic to lavender, and she knows this.”
12. Sharing and caring.
“Christmas, 1993. I was eleven.
My grandma gave me one half of a pool cue.
She gifted the other half to my then-8-year-old brother.
Grandma: “See? You can only use it if you two cooperate and share!”
We did not own a pool table.”
13. WTF?
“When I was accepted into my business college they sent me a single sock.”
14. A great Christmas.
“I was once given some yeast, a cucumber and a pack of Toblerone for a secret Santa.”
15. I need that DVD in my life.
“My little brother bought me a “How to become a Male Model” DVD. Got drunk with my buddy and his girlfriend. We were laughing the whole time. Then she wanted to watch it again and they had a fight over it.”
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Have you ever seen something and thought, “I wish I would have thought of that!” Maybe you haven’t, but a grandparent you know sure has! And you’ve undoubtedly heard one of them say, “That’s the best thing since sliced bread!”
Yeah, bread didn’t used to be sliced. It was just a whole loaf. That was a thing.
Today we’re taking a look at 5 awesome gifts for this holiday season that will get your Mamo and Bampo talking like there’s no tomorrow. “What a handy gift!” they’ll exclaim. And they’ll be right. Because these are pretty darn great!
As we get older, the one thing we all pay attention to is our health. That’s where essential oils can help. They aid in reducing stress, inflammation and all kinds of conditions you wouldn’t expect.
Oil diffusers have been growing in popularity, but what about when you get in the shower? That’s where the Oasis Diffuser – Waterproof Aromatizer comes in.
Where did we come from? How did we all end up here? These are questions we ask our elders, but sometimes they either don’t know or can’t remember. You’ll give them insight into their ancestry and the traits that come along with that.
Are you ready to cry? Yeah you are! Because what’s more weepy than thinking of a grandparent writing a letter to their grandkids that they’ll read in the future?
Okay, we kid. Hugs are clearly better, but who in your life do you know who would be more inclined to look at a desk calendar every single day than grandma and grandpa?
For instance, did you know this about ghost peppers?
It’s the best time of the year! Well, I mean, besides Halloween.
But hey, Christmas is great, too.
It can also be a frustrating, weird and hilarious time of year as well, as evidenced by these funny tweets that have already gone viral.
Oh, the holidays…
1. Listen to your mother.
My kids: Why don't we have an elf on the shelf? Everybody else– Me: An elf? In this house?! You listen to me and listen good, never trust the fae and never EVER extend an invitation. I JUST finished warding, for goodness sakes boys
me – “hello” Guy whose entire identity is built around arguing that Die Hard is a Christmas movie – “hey man, what’s your favourite Christmas movie? You might find mine… a little controversial to say the least”
the secret in "secret santa" is that I have $35 in my bank account and now I have to use $20 of that to buy my cousin's girlfriend fuzzy socks and a three-wick candle
going to school between thanksgiving and christmas break feels like the last lap in mario kart when ur in first & get hit with the blue shell and ppl start passing u and the music is going really fast and everything gets stressful
Do you have a kid who’s too shy to sit on Santa’s lap? There are other more convenient ways to contact Santa now — he’s even available by text message.
Santa has an official phone number: 951-262-3062. Don’t worry, it goes directly to voicemail (can you imagine if Santa had to pick up the phone for every kid that wanted to talk to him?).
However, if you (or your child) get onto Santa’s contact list, you can receive regular texts from him throughout the month of December.
The service is called The Santa Texting Project. It’s provided by SlickText, a marketing platform that allows businesses to communicate through mass text messages.
Children who sign up for texts from Santa can expect to receive messages such as jokes, sayings, recipes and fun facts. He sends regular texts without being prompted — he’ll text approximately once every five days throughout the month; then, in the week before Christmas, he’ll text daily.
To sign up, just go to SlickText’s website and enter your name and phone number. You must also choose whether you’re signing up as a child, adult, or senior (hey, everybody needs a little Christmas cheer!). Then, reply “Yes” to the first text to opt in to the service.
This festive service is completely free, and the company says the phone numbers won’t be shared with any outside entities. They’ll also be deleted on December 26, so no annoying follow-up texts.
let’s see what he can come up with for tomorrow!
#elfontheshelf #day3 #naughtyelves #merryandtinsel #christmastradition #christmaselves #kevinthecarrot #savekevin #elf #elves #gratedcarrot #christmas #christmasmagic #santaselves #scoutelf #elfontheshelfday3 #elvesbehavingbadly
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ #ElfontheShelfAdventures
Just Linda 
(@KimmyMonte) 
North Pole’s Most Wanted 
—& while Grand Larceny Sleigh (GLS) complaints are rare, it will be fully investigated. 
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Luis Vercetti 
