New recruits in the military really don’t know what they have coming, and these drill sergeants didn’t know what they were in for either.

Enjoy this look into the weird, wild, wonderfully crazy world of boot camp!

1. Vomit comet!

I was in the Navy, and we were undergoing inspection by the Division Officer.

He rolled in for inspection, walked up to the first dude, and the dude puked. However, this guy was a genius—he puked down his t-shirt and into his dress blues, saving the District Officer from getting puked on.

The Division Officer was so impressed at the dude’s “military bearing” that he called the inspection right then and there. 5.0 sailors, all around; the highest grade.

2. What’s good for the goose…

I had one recruit who was paying attention to a bunch of geese rather than his drill sergeants.

I was dying of laughter on the inside, but I made him get up and chase them all away.

As they flew in the air, we made him follow them for several hundred feet to make sure they wouldn’t come back!

3. Upsturs Downsturs

Standing in formation at Fort Knox, we were about to head to the range and everyone needed their gloves. One private came out without them and the drill sergeant screamed, “Private, where are your gloves?”

In a thick Tennessee accent, he replied, “Well dang, drill sergeant, I must have done left them upsturs.”

The drill sergeant, from New Jersey, just died laughing.

4. Full Moon

An RDC in another division asked a guy if he shaved that morning and the guy claimed he had.

The RDC said, “Recruit, you are either a werewolf or you are lying, so which is it?”

The guy responded, “I must be a werewolf, petty officer!”

5. “I’M STILL HERE!”

I was going through Air Force basic training. When on guard duty, if an unauthorized person wanted to be let into the bunks, you had to report it to your drill sergeant. Our sister flight’s drill sergeant came up while I was on guard and requested entry so I reported to my sergeant and he had me ask another a series of questions.

This particular sergeant had a bushy mustache, so one question I had to ask was, “In what year was Magnum PI canceled?” He dropped out of view from the window laughing, came back up and yelled: “It was never canceled because I’M STILL HERE!”

It took everything I had not to crack up. The military can be hilarious sometimes.

6. Oh crackers!

We weren’t allowed to talk during chow at the galley. You had to point at what you wanted another recruit to pass, and they had to silently pass it.

One recruit wanted a napkin and pointed. The other recruit asked, “This?”

The coast guard drill sergeant immediately came over, circling him like sharks, screaming at him. They made him put like, 10 saltines in his mouth and chew until his mouth was full, then ask the first recruit if he wanted a napkin again. He barely could get it out, spitting pieces of cracker everywhere.

Then they screamed at the first recruit to answer him, but we were all silently cracking up.

It was the best.

7. “Die, smile die!”

While in basic training, we had a female that loved to smile. She was just a happy person in general.

Well, my training instructor came in, and she caught the female trainee smiling. She walked up to the female trainee and yelled, “Wipe that smile off your face!” The female trainee stopped smiling. The training instructor continued to yell, “No! Literally wipe the smile off your face with your hand!”

The trainee did so. “Now throw it on the ground!” The trainee followed orders. “Now stomp on it and scream, ‘Die, smile die!’ As loud as you can!” The female trainee stood there for a second before following through.

Her tiny little voice cracked as she yelled: “Die, smile die!” It took everything I had not to bust out laughing.

8. He’s got a point…

In my basic training class, I was a squad leader, which is essentially just a person who does extra chores. Anyway, for reasons unknown, I and the other squad leaders were doing pushups in the drill sergeant’s office. Now, when you do these pushups, you eventually reach muscle failure so you just sort of hang out there in the front leaning for rest and trying to bust out another pushup every few seconds or so.

We were all in there dying and the drill sergeant said to one of my buddies: “Private Hudson! Tell me what’s the difference between basic training and being in prison.”

Without missing a beat, Private Hudson said: “Drill Sergeant! In prison, they get to watch TV!” The drill sergeant cracked a little bit of a smile and then told us to get up and get out of there.

9. Pocket full of tears…

I work at basic training ranges and we had a drill sergeant yell at his soldier while they were getting ready to go down a buddy live fire exercise. The soldier froze and started crying. This 18-year-old kid was just in tears for getting yelled at.

The drill sergeant yelled at him some more and he finally gave up because the kid wouldn’t stop crying. He made him scoop tears off his face and put them in his pockets till he filled his pockets up with tears. He did this for like an hour.

It was hilarious.

10. Sleepy time

When I was in basic training, I saw three drill sergeants surrounding a private who was laying down.

They were all screaming, “GO TO SLEEP RIGHT NOW PRIVATE, YOU TAKE A NAP THIS VERY SECOND YOU POOR TIRED SOUL!” (Not exact words, but you get the gist of it).

I still wonder how he got himself into that predicament.

11. A weird game of telephone…

On hikes, my DI’s loved having conversations using the recruits as messengers.

The DI at the end of the formation would send a recruit to the front to give the DI up there a message and back.

They would either have stupid conversations or talk trash using the recruit.

12. Pinecone probs

During Field Training Exercise, the DS told me to get a trash bag, then go around and collect as many pine cones as I could.

For like three hours. I had a bunch of trash bags.

He then took a little walk around, contemplated for a bit, then said that he was mistaken.

He ordered me to redistribute all the pinecones.

13. On further reflection…

When I was in boot camp, our drill instructor had a recruit sit in front of his own reflection and continually ask himself if he really wanted to be there… for three hours.

All while screaming at him to “mean it!”

I don’t know how they didn’t crack up. It was hilarious.

14. Spittle

“WHAT’S THAT DISGUSTING STUFF ALL OVER YOUR GLASSES, MAGGOT?!”

“I believe it’s your saliva, drill sergeant, sir!”

He closed his eyes and waited for death.

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