Bars attract weirdos. Full stop.

Couple that with the fact that alcohol makes weird people even weirder, and you know you’re gonna see some wild sh*t if you hang around these kinds of establishments for any amount of time.

And bartenders? Well, they get to see it all!

Bartenders on AskReddit shared stories about the weirdest things they’ve seen on the job.

1. Very strange.

“A couple came in once, I sat them down, gave them menus and all that.

Not ten minutes in I pick up a call and it’s a woman asking to speak to the guy. I politely let him know someone’s on the phone and they say its urgent. He has a quick chat, seems okay and hangs up the phone before going back to the table. 5 minutes later, she calls again, I go over again, apologize and say they seem really concerned.

At this point he’s clearly tense and making an effort not to raise his voice. After a few minutes he hangs up, hands the phone back to me and says “if she calls again, just tell her I’m not interested in speaking to her”.

Lo and behold, she calls again, and I say exactly what he asked, to which she laughs in kind of a clichè “crazy ex” kind of way, and I sh*t you not, says “well tell him I hope he doesn’t eat too much because when he finds the tyres I slashed he’ll be walking home, wishing he’d spoken to me” and hangs up.

I went over a minute later and asked what kind of car he had because there was someone double-parked outside and wanted to check it wasn’t him. I figured it wasn’t worth freaking him out if it was an idle threat.

He described the car and said where he’d parked it. I took a cig break and went to check… All 4 tires were fine, but that poor bugger had not a single window left unsmashed or severely cracked and there were a couple of rocks laying on the ground.

Needless to say, they did not stay to finish their meal.”

2. Great guy!

“A guy who p*ssed himself sitting on a a barstool and then wanted to fight me when I cut him off and wouldn’t serve him a new drink.”

3. Look out!

“A car plowed into the bar, coming all the way in, and flipped a pool table on its side.

Pinned three off duty Applebee’s waitresses against the bar.

No one was hurt and the woman who was driving tried to order a drink.”

4. Classy.

“I once witnessed a woman openly fondling herself (dress hiked up, underwear pulled aside) in the middle of a not super busy bar.

It was very obvious she wanted people to see. The weird part was, after a bar back yelled at her and told to stop or get out, a guy walked up to the bar back and said “don’t talk to my wife like that”

This really happened.”

5. Wow.

“Used to have a regular who sold her time on Backpage. She loved our queso so she always had the guys bring her there.

What stuck out was that she always ordered Jagermeister and Diet Coke. In the same glass.

I once had to kick her out because she got so wasted she was giving a blow**b under one of our tables, when I could clearly see the d**k in her mouth, she’s lying about what she’s doing and says she is looking for something.”

6. Where did you come from?

“The weirdest is definitely having a mariachi band burst in through the door of the pub, play two songs and leave!

Keep in mind this is the UK, it was a dark rainy mid week night.

I don’t know where they came from or where they went after but while they played they had the attention of everyone in the pub.”

7. Sad.

“Naked kid maybe 5-6 years old came in. Reactions ranged from WTF to laughter to attempts to help.

Kid went straight to this lady, an every night regular, who turned out to be his mom. Apparently he hid in her car and she was too zonked on various substances to notice.

Kid was naked because he had literally nothing to wear, I later learned, and their duplex apartment a few blocks away was a vermin infested Hellhole. Mom was a serious addict.

Her kid following her to the bar was the impetus that led to him being taken away and her getting sent to rehab. I learned all this after the fact.

But the kid walking naked into the bar was definitely among the most unexpected things I’ve ever seen.”

8. Tragic.

“A heavy set middle eastern man was drinking heavy and got very drunk at my bar. When he went to the restroom his prime rib dinner had arrived.

I think he shot-up some smack in the stall cause when he came back way drunker. He then cut a long big strip of prime rib, about the size of a thick hot dog, then while glaring at me, threw his head back and proceeded to swallow it whole like a baby bird would a worm from its mother.

It of course got stuck in his throat choking him and he passed out and fell on the floor. I/we cleaned out his air passage and gave him CPR. 10 minutes passed and he was still unconscious when the paramedics arrived.

He left with a heart beat but died later that night in the hospital.”

9. A wild crowd.

“Worked at a serious dive for five long years.

Once had a crack addict covered in prison tattoos explain to me why it’s better to shoot her**n into your pe**s than into your neck (I am a woman, no pe**s to shoot heroin into here). He was actually kind of a good dude in his way, he taught me how to stop people who were smoking crack in the bathroom without having it get rough for me.

The trick was politely yelling from the hall to the washroom “Hi! I know you’re smoking crack in there but if you could please leave I won’t call the cops, thank you!” and honestly it worked like a charm.

I also once served a very large woman with some pretty decent stubble and her man friend, who was cross eyed and kinda smelt like pee. They were sitting at a booth at 2 or 3 in the afternoon and she was taking “bl**job” shots – which are topped with whipped cream and you’re not supposed to use your hands to drink.

Each time I brought her one she lifted her breasts, one by one, and placed them on the table so that she could lean over them to reach the shot glass on the table with her mouth.

By shot number three or four she had whipped cream in her whiskers and her man friend was leaning across the table to stroke her face and say “I f**kin loooove you” honestly I actually think the moral of that story is that there’s someone for everyone, and that’s kinda sweet?”

10. He was in a good mood that day.

“Gordon Ramsay walked in, ordered a 1/2 sized margarita, and told me it was perfect after he finished it.

He was a f**king gentleman and even bowed and said thank you on the way out. I later learned they were filming an episode of Kitchen Nightmares around the corner and he knew the chef who owned the restaurant where I was bartending.

He came in the next night too. I had a convo with Gordon Ramsay two days in a row.”

11. Strip club.

“Used to bartend at a strip club, so I definitely saw some weird things. The ones that stick out the most include:

Bartending in VIP and a guy refused to pay the girls for the hours. VIP host, who was also a former fighter, asked the guy to pay. Guy gets belligerent, calls him a slur and spits in the host’s face.

Host hits him once, KO. Guest comes to, stands up and spits blood at everyone and is escorted out. Dancers brought the teeth they found to me at the bar… not sure what I was supposed to do with them.

Watched as one unique dancer, who typically communicated via meows, slowly sip her drink as a guest licked and smelled her armpit.”

12. It was a Tuesday night…

“It was a Tuesday night and we were closing at mid-night.

A group of about 6 gentleman came to my bar, seemingly intoxicated but overall pretty friendly. Small talk revealed they are mostly from the Portland area and are here (undisclosed location near the Philadelphia area) for their best friend’s wedding (tomorrow).

The one guy asks for a shot of the most expensive tequila we have. That is Clase Azul Anejo at $150 a shot. He says “Ill take it.” So I run downstairs (this occurred on a rooftop bar) grab the bottle and all the fancy stuff to go with it, perform my lil presentation in front of him, and he grabs the snifter filled with $150 worth of our best tequila and says “okay boys circle up!”

Without missing a beat as if it were choreographed, the six guys get in a circle and start flapping their arms (positioned like chicken wings from the chicken dance), crouch down, and start chirping like baby birds.

Guy #1 then takes the shot and spits it into guy #2’s mouth, guy #2 into guy #3’s mouth, and so on until it reaches guy #6 who receives and swallows the now certainly warm and slimy shot like a f**king champ.

Found out afterward they were all on shrooms but coolest s**t I’ve ever seen. Woulda comp’ed the shot if I had the power. Hope those boys are doing well.”

Now we want to hear from all the bartenders out there.

In the comments, please tell us about your weird work stories.

We can’t wait to hear them!

The post Bartenders, What’s the Strangest Thing You’ve Seen While Working? appeared first on UberFacts.