Hilarious Tweets to Enjoy So You Can Kick Start Your Day the Right Way

It’s very important to get your day started the right way and we think we almost have it down to a formula.

Here it is: eat some breakfast, drink some coffee, argue with your family members, and then laugh at some funny tweets.

That’s it! That’s the whole shebang!

Then your day is kickstarted the right way and you’re ready to take on every single obstacle out there.

So are you ready to go!

Let’s do it!

1. You have to be precise.

Especially when it comes to this stuff.

2. Not feelin’ that at all.

How about you?

3. That would be nice, wouldn’t it?

It really has a nice ring to it!

4. Apparently, a big fan…

But maybe taking it a little bit too far…

5. For a very special person.

They’re gonna love it!

6. It’s as easy as that.

In case you need some pointers.

7. It definitely does.

This tweet really speaks to me.

8. You shouldn’t have said that.

But, what’s done is done.

9. Using that Jedi mind trick.

Let us know if it works.

10. I like the one on the right.

But that’s just me.

11. That’s pretty much the whole movie.

Wrap it up, lady!

12. I am now a genius.

Wait until you get to three pages!

Okay, now I feel energized to take on the day and get A TON of things accomplished.

How about you chip in too and help us and your fellow readers out?

In the comments, share some funny content that you think everyone will enjoy.

We’re talking tweets, memes, photos, jokes, etc.

We look forward to hearing from you!

The post Hilarious Tweets to Enjoy So You Can Kick Start Your Day the Right Way appeared first on UberFacts.

Funny Tweets to Give You a Chuckle This Morning

It’s time once again to give our readers a comprehensive round-up of absolutely hilarious tweets that we think will give you a big chuckle today.

Why is this important?

Because you need to implement some laughter into your day if it’s gonna be a productive one!

Just trust me on this one, okay?

Enjoy these funny tweets, have a great day, and we’ll see you again very soon!

1. Wait, that’s not true?

They had me fooled…

2. Deeeeeep thoughts.

Let it sink in…

3. Killing it!

Is that a pick-up line? And if so, does it work?

4. Kind of like quicksand?

I was terrified of quicksand as a kid for some reason.

5. I don’t have time for that!

Just give it a few more years.

6. Hmmmm. I think you blew it.

It’s the thought that counts.

7. Hahaha. Yes!

Moms are so good at calling things by their wrong names.

8. You need to know this.

Do you think he’ll finally speak up?

9. Didn’t see that coming.

Now what?

10. THEY’RE the problem, though.

I’m allowed to go out, other people are not.

11. I’m very concerned.

All of those letters are meant for YOU.

12. I do, too, my friend.

Just going and touching everything in the store…it was great…

13. Whoops! Sorry about that.

Turns out it’s my fault…again…

I think it’s safe to say that those tweets hit the old proverbial spot, don’t you?

Now we want to hear from all the readers out there.

In the comments, share a funny meme, tweet, photo, or joke that you think would make all of us laugh.

Please and thank you!

The post Funny Tweets to Give You a Chuckle This Morning appeared first on UberFacts.

A Five-Year-Old Has Memories of Her Brother Who Died in Utero Before She Was Born

Kids really do say crazy things, but sometimes they also say weird crap that pretty much freaks out every adult close enough to hear it.

This story is creepy, but it could also be considered comforting, or even healing, depending on your own personal life experiences.

It’s clear that the girl’s mother, who tells this story on Reddit, isn’t quite sure how to feel.

Image Credit: Pixabay

It starts with her relaying that she and her husband were considering trying for another baby, and that they asked their five-year-old daughter what she thought of the idea.

She said “I would be happy because your other baby will come back.”

Yeah, I know.

"I picked you because you were sad…" from CreepyKids

The girl went on to elaborate about how she picked this woman to be her mother because she was sad that her other baby got sick and died, and that maybe he would come back again and they could have a boy baby.

The mom wasn’t sure what to make of it, but like many women who have experienced miscarriages, she liked the idea that her lost baby might be able to “pick” her again.

The comments, too, were full of emotion.

A few people, like this reader, shared a similar experience (which is even more freaky!).

Image Credit: Reddit

And yeah, we’ve seen posts before in which children claim to have “picked” their parents before being born, which just kind of twists your mind into knots, no?

Image Credit: Reddit

The OP (original poster) clarified that her daughter is seems to be sensitive to “spiritual stuff” in other ways, too.”

Image Credit: Reddit

Many people, like this commenter, also found that intriguing.

Image Credit: Reddit

Long story short, it seems that, as ever, there is much we don’t know about human bodies, human brains, and human souls – so maybe listen a little bit closer the next time your little starts babbling about something that might not seem to make sense.

Has anything like this ever happened to you? We want to hear more stories like this if you have them!

The post A Five-Year-Old Has Memories of Her Brother Who Died in Utero Before She Was Born appeared first on UberFacts.

12 Wordsmiths Who Lit People up With Fierce Comebacks

It’s not often you get to witness somebody say something so stupid online and then see one of the wittiest comebacks ever… but here we are.

These 12 expert wordsmiths out there saw their moment and took their shot.

So here are 12 of the best comebacks of all time. Enjoy!

1. This gives new meaning to “I researched it.”

Just wow. We are in awe.

For people that ‘research’ stuff on youtube from MurderedByWords

2. You just can’t win.

Seriously, chill out.

Ain’t no right way from MurderedByWords

3. She got schooled.

Pun intended.

Taken to school. from MurderedByWords

4. Aunt Peggy for the win.

We’re not worthy, we’re not worthy.

Pour one out for Aunt Peggy from trashy

5. Like looking in a mirror.

Oh boy, that’s embarrassing.

Ironic that this happened on this sub from MurderedByWords

6. She’s not just about fast food, ladies and gentlemen.

Who uses that as an insult anyway?

Wendy’s is at it again from MurderedByWords

7. Shot down.

Nope, not gonna happen dude.

Ummm yeah that’s a big yikes from Cringetopia

8. Don’t mess with the people who have the police records.

This is just an A+ comeback. Wow.

Guy isn’t exactly wrong about the city, but the city wasn’t havin’ it from MurderedByWords

9. Please, just sit down now.

This is just too, too good.

Now sit your ass down, Stefan. from MurderedByWords

10. That’s gonna leave a mark.

Parents with the last word!

Holy hell! Call the morgue from MurderedByWords

11. Funny how that works.

And that’s what we call a perfect shut-down, everybody.

Murdered nice mask wearing from MurderedByWords

12. True perfection.

There has never been a more perfect burn, ever.

Imagine that from MurderedByWords

What’s your favorite burn of all time? Or are there comebacks you wish you’d thought of during the middle of an argument? We’d love to hear from you!

Let us know in the comments!

The post 12 Wordsmiths Who Lit People up With Fierce Comebacks appeared first on UberFacts.

Funny Reasons Why Kids Didn’t Want Their Food

Children. You can’t live with them and you CERTAINLY can’t live without them. It’s the law!

Well, until they’re like 18 or something. And even then they might stick around.

So… can we be honest. Kids are more spoiled today than they’ve ever been, and these Instagram posts prove it. Because there’s NO way my kid (who doesn’t exist) would ever be able to act like this.

But hey, let’s judge these parents! That’s fun!

1. Like, seriously, just untwist them.

It’s not even that hard.

2. OK, we can see how this would be confusing.

Totally makes sense.

3. Eggs must be uniform.

From now on. Get to work chickens!

4. She’s got a point.

I mean, just look at that devious smirk.

https://www.instagram.com/p/3Zy—v0Ed/

5. Million-dollar idea right here.

Spicy grapes!

6. Look, Ma, it just tastes better this way OK?

I’m not surprised you don’t understand.

7. You’re an animal!

Who puts lotion on carrots?!

8. We can see the resemblance.

It’s uncanny now that you mention it.

9. This makes perfect sense.

I wouldn’t want to eat kitty cats, either, Mom.

10. Get this kid some LSAT prep books, baby!

We’ve got some serious logic going on here.

11. Hmm. Who’s gonna tell her?

Not me!

12. This kid might be onto something.

Christmas, upgraded!

13. Circles = far superior to squares.

Everyone knows that, Dad.

Okay, I actually feel a little bit bad about judging those parents. Because how you can deal with these small little people who are so unreasonably dumb?

People say kids are just highly creative? No, they’re not. They’re ignorant and quite stupid.

Get a job, kids! And buy your own food!

What do you think? Should kids have to get jobs when they’re 5 and buy their own food? Let us know in the comments!

The post Funny Reasons Why Kids Didn’t Want Their Food appeared first on UberFacts.

Kids Who Are Completely Unreasonable but Really Don’t Care

It’s a fact that kids are not any kind of reasonable before they hit a certain age – and after that, it’s still touch and go. When it comes to toddlers and preschoolers, though, pretty much anything goes.

They’ve got big emotions and no real vocabulary or other way to get them out, and so we, their parents, get to love them through even the worst days.

Which these 17 kids are definitely having – unreasonable, thy name is toddler!

17. I mean it is kind of creepy.

“I once had a 9-year-old in my class become upset during our ‘life cycle of humans’ unit when they found out they had eggs inside them.”

—dai5ytabata

16. Wow. That is some commitment.

“My daughter cried for months every time we opened the door because it opened from the right — she wanted it to open from the left.”

—nanoregi

15. There’s no logic in a toddler’s mind.

“My 3-year-old cried because her bathing suit got wet when we went swimming.”

—sac9488

14. Sometimes your feelings just don’t make sense, and that’s okay.

“My little cousin cried because his games were ‘too fun.’

So we took them away, and he started crying again.”

—stargazinggazelle

13. Yeah that’s a hard no.

“My kid threw a screaming tantrum when I wouldn’t let her lick the raw meat I was defrosting.”

—jmelendez

12. She wants what she wants.

“My 2-year-old had a sobbing meltdown because her brother had bird poop on his window and she didn’t.”

—pamk454893f19

11. Why on EARTH? Ha!

“My 3-year-old freaked out when I told him not to wipe his nose with a piece of bread then eat it afterwards.”

—kellydowlingh

10. Minds are mysterious places.

“My son once woke up crying because paper towels are rectangular-shaped and not triangular.

I had to fold a paper towel into a triangle for him to go back to sleep.”

—lindsayw4b1bb0a39

9. To be fair that is kind of freaky.

“I bought this adorable princess potty that played music and clapping noises when the sensor got wet.

The first time my daughter peed on the potty she started shrieking because she thought the music was coming out of her butt!”

—maryd427057014

8. She probably forgot already.

“My 2-year-old got mad that someone took a bite out of her strawberry.

It was her. She took a bite out of her strawberry.”

—viciousxvenom

7. I mean that is frustrating.

“He got offended that his ice cream was too cold.”

—momot4e8a6be2a

6. That is definitely a moment you can’t give in.

“I was at a hibachi restaurant when the 3-year-old girl at the table across from us had a meltdown because her mom said she couldn’t eat the gum that was stuck under the table.”

—briana4765acc6b

5. Where do they come up with this stuff?

“When my daughter was 4, she spent a couple weeks really angry with me that I didn’t name her ‘Russell.’”

—invasivemage

4. Sometimes you have to just walk away.

“My toddler started screaming because he wanted to go inside the bathroom.

The bathroom door was open. And when I said he could go in, he started screaming even louder!”

—saraf46cbcaf4c

3. Maybe that kind of seems weird the first time you realize.

“My 4-year-old daughter absolutely lost it because I couldn’t take her skin off. HER SKIN.”

—sheenaf4265800e1

2. I would have let that one go.

“My 3-year-old daughter once had a meltdown because I wouldn’t let her shove a tampon in her nose.”

—sativa227

1. Time for an anatomy lesson.

“My toddler cried on more than one occasion because the bottoms of his legs had bumps.

The bumps were his ankles.”

—stephanieg44d08460d

I’m laughing with them, not at them.

What’s the most unreasonable crap your preschooler has ever hit you with? Share it with us in the comments!

The post Kids Who Are Completely Unreasonable but Really Don’t Care appeared first on UberFacts.

Funny Memes and Tweets to Distract You From All the Bad Stuff Going on in the World Right Now

The world is in bad shape right now.

And while it’s important to stay involved in all the current events and to do your part, it’s also a good idea to take a little bit of a breather once in a while to laugh and relax.

Does that sound like a good idea right about now?

We think it does and that’s why we hope you enjoy and most importantly LAUGH at these funny memes and tweets.

Stay safe out there and keep on fighting the good fight!

1. It’s people!!!!

Just like Soylent Green…

Photo Credit: pleated-jeans

2. Please don’t!

Welp, it’s too late.

Photo Credit: pleated-jeans

3. That’s not happening.

Spending like a madwoman (or madman)…

Photo Credit: pleated-jeans

4. So ridiculous.

Yet it happens all the time.

Photo Credit: pleated-jeans

5. I never need to hear that again.

Are you sick of that term yet?

Photo Credit: pleated-jeans

6. Forget about the other stuff.

As long as I can look up to you…

Photo Credit: pleated-jeans

7. Do you remember hearing this?

You’re so mature!

Photo Credit: pleated-jeans

8. That’s all anyone really wants.

The three secrets to a good life.

Photo Credit: pleated-jeans

9. I’m working on this, too.

But it’s really not going very well so far…

Photo Credit: pleated-jeans

10. That’s very true.

Does lifting your drink count?

11. I haven’t watched a movie in six years.

But I’ve heard quite a few of them.

12. Ahhhh, the good old days.

I don’t know if I’d call them “lucky”…

13. This is a life hack we all need.

I learned this lesson the hard way the other day.

Sometimes, a brief little distraction is a big help…

We hope that did the job for you.

NOW, let’s get all the readers out there involved.

If you’ve come across anything recently that really made you smile, please share it with us in the comments.

It could be a meme, a tweet, a joke, a photo, a story, anything!

Be safe out there!

The post Funny Memes and Tweets to Distract You From All the Bad Stuff Going on in the World Right Now appeared first on UberFacts.

Dog Likes to Pick up Random Objects When She’s Not Getting Enough Attention

Animals do weird things to get attention.

When I was growing up, my friend’s dog used to limp all the time so they brought her to see the vet.

The vet told her that there was nothing wrong with the dog and she was limping ON PURPOSE for attention.

Unbelievable.

And this dog is no different.

Her name is Stella and she’s a Golden Retriever who has figured out how to get attention when she feels like she’s not getting enough…she picks up random objects because she knows it’ll make the humans around tend to her.

Let’s get to know Stella!

1. That’s not your bottle!

I think that means she wants some belly rubs.

Photo Credit: Twitter

2. Her eyes look very mischievous.

She knows what kind of game she’s playing.

Photo Credit: Twitter

3. You’re not brushing your teeth tonight.

Hey! Get back here!

Photo Credit: Twitter

4. I need to make a phone call.

And it’s NOT a local call.

Photo Credit: Twitter

5. Feeling that trucker hat look.

Hopefully she doesn’t chew it to pieces.

Photo Credit: Twitter

6. Is that a missile?!?!

Better be careful with that…

Photo Credit: Twitter

7. I can’t see anything without those!

Okay, this game is getting a little bit ridiculous.

Photo Credit: Twitter

8. At your service.

No, you can’t put that on your dog food!

Photo Credit: Twitter

9. Time to go for a run, I guess.

Can I please have that shoe back?

Photo Credit: Twitter

10. I’m in control of the TV for now.

Anyone wanna watch Animal Planet?

Photo Credit: Twitter

11. Hey, it’s cool. I’m old enough to drink.

Coors Light. Silver Bullet for the win!

Photo Credit: Twitter

Is she adorable, or what?

And it seems like she’s pretty smart, too.

Does your dog or cat do anything really funny to get attention from you?

If so, please tell us about it and share a photo in the comments!

The post Dog Likes to Pick up Random Objects When She’s Not Getting Enough Attention appeared first on UberFacts.

Take a Look at the “Wipe It Down” Challenge on TikTok

Trends come and go on social media. Some are good, some are bad. The “Wipe it Down Challenge” on TikTok is definitely one of the good ones.

Have you heard about it yet?

Here’s the deal: set to the tune of BMW Kenny’s song “Wipe It Down”, people are posting videos of themselves magically transforming just for a second into a dressed-up version of themselves or maybe in cosplay when they wipe down their bathroom mirrors. Then folks are really perplexed.

It’s a whole lot of fun, and here are some of the best examples on TikTok.

Enjoy!

1. Harley Quinn.

A total transformation!

@iamlaurencomptonWait what? ##cosplay ##Harleyquinn ##harleyquinncosplay ##wipe ##morror ##fyp ##foryou ##foryoupage♬ Wipe It Down – BMW KENNY

2. Black Panther!

That’s a pretty dramatic one.

@richblackguyWhen you remembered something petty your cousin did. ##cosplay ##blackpanther♬ Wipe It Down – BMW KENNY

3. What just happened there?

Pay close attention to this one…

@coltonjusticezHold up? ##fyp ##foryou ##finalsathome ##tiktokrestarea ##marshmello @marshmellomusic♬ Wipe It Down – BMW KENNY

4. Hello, graduate!

On to bigger and better things.

@ayychrissy##pov You’re casually cleaning your mirror and see a glimpse of the future after the pandemic. ##fyp ##foryourpage ##InTheHouseparty ##transition♬ Wipe It Down – BMW KENNY

5. It’s Luigi!

Straight off the video screen.

@kyrramarie_guys i think my mirror is cursed ? ib @iamlaurencompton ##wipechallenge ##wipe ##fyp ##foryou ##foryoupage♬ Wipe It Down – BMW KENNY

6. Your friendly neighborhood Spider-Man.

Peter Parker, in the flesh.

@airhaydenUhhh… ##wipeitdown ##spiderman ##mirrors ##foryou ##foryoupage ##fyp ##marvel ##cosplay♬ Wipe It Down – BMW KENNY

7. Going wayyyyy back.

A view of your younger self.

@team2momsJumping on this ##Trend! ##wipeitdown ##fyp ##lgbt ##lgbtq ##WeTried ##viral♬ Wipe It Down – BMW KENNY

8. This is good.

Thank an essential worker today!

@nickandsiennaThank an essential worker today. They need to hear it , trust me ???##wipeitdown ##corona ##firstresponder♬ Wipe It Down – BMW KENNY

9. Haters Back Off.

Do you know this show?

@colleenbad things happen when i start cleaning. ##wipeitdownchallenge♬ Wipe It Down – BMW KENNY

10. Rediscovering your youth.

A blast from the past!

@leilaexkerWait til the end? ##foryou ##fyp ##wipeitdown ##trending ##featureme ##irish ##xyzbca ##viral ##ireland ##nana♬ Wipe It Down – BMW KENNY

11. Sir, you are now a doctor.

Good luck out there!

@johnnysins##wipe ##wipechallenge ##fyp ##foryoupage♬ Wipe It Down – BMW KENNY

Hey, that’s a lot of fun, isn’t it?!?!

Have you gotten in on this latest social media craze lately?

If so, please share a link to your TikTok video with us in the comments.

Let’s see what ya got!

The post Take a Look at the “Wipe It Down” Challenge on TikTok appeared first on UberFacts.

15 Times People Thought They Were Totally Fired, but Somehow Got off the Hook

There’s very little that can take a person’s breath away like the moment they realize they done something horribly wrong at work. It might have been an accident, it might have been negligence, but you know it’s your fault and you’re probably going to pay with your job.

These 15 people had that moment, but it was swiftly followed by one that completely absolved them of their crime.

15. That’s definitely a bad moment.

While phoning a customer and trying to explain I needed a key to get in to the bay, I accidentally just like “Fuckinggggg” instead of like “ummmm” like a normal person.

So it was like “Hey there. Calling from (company name). Just needed access to this bay and fuckinnnnggg the door is locked so I need the key.”

The woman on the phone sounded very ESL so I got away with it. No complaint, customer didn’t even acknowledge it.

14. Pass the buck, keep your job.

I used to work as a warehouse manager for a company that sells expensive measuring instruments and managed to accidentally drop a box with glass lenses worth $1100 each. Most of them were broken. The box was freshly in so I took a huge risk by lying that they came in that way and must have gotten damaged during transport. Luckily for me they did believe me.

13. That’s some brotherly love right there.

My younger brother and I used to work at the same supermarket. When I was about 21 or so, I decided to celebrate my birthday with a huge bottle of vodka and some friends. Had completely forgotten I had work the next day.

Manager had called my phone at 6 in the morning, wondering where the hell I was, but phone had died so it went straight to voicemail.

So he called my brother, who went to check on me. Upon seeing the empty bottle of vodka and me passed the fuck out on my bed, he called the manager back and told him that the two of us had agreed to switch shifts and forgot to write it down. Totally his bad, he’ll be right over.

Little bro wakes me up, explains he covered for me, and that I need to sober up and be at work for his 9:00 shift in three hours.

By 9:00, it was clear I still was not sober, but fear of losing my job meant going to work anyway.

Little bro spends the day shepherding my drunk ass around the store to avoid customers or the manager getting close enough to smell the alcohol on me. I sobered up over the course of the day, and felt like shit, but thanks to my little brother’s actions I wasn’t actually caught.

12. There’s no drunk like wine drunk.

It was the night before I was scheduled to have a tense meeting with my boss and a client. The meeting was supposed to be a sort of “peace talk” because of tension growing between my staff and the client who was an emotional and difficult person to work with.

The night before my wife and I opened a bottle of wine with dinner and managed to finish it off before bed. This didn’t seem like too much at the time but the next morning I woke up sicker than I have ever been. I still had this difficult meeting so I got up got dressed managed to choke down some Advil and a glass of water. The minute I get on the highway to work I feel my stomach twisting. There is nothing between where I am now and where my office is except highway with almost no shoulder. Half way to work I feel that feeling in my throat, like a tightening, and my bowels are starting to make terrible noises. I realize I am going to throw up and look around my car for anything to throw up in. I spot McDonalds bag is on the floor so I grab it. Hoping I don’t need to use it I speed up trying to get to my exit so I can pull over and ralph. No dice. I held the bag up to my mouth going 85 MPH and throw up red wine into the McDonalds bag which had the strength of tissue paper because my hot acid puke punched right through the bag and into my lap. By some miracle I had extra business slacks in my car. I stopped at a gas station and changed in the bathroom.

I looked into the mirror and a haggard sallow man with flop sweat and sunken eyes stared back at me. Even with the wardrobe change I smelled faintly of booze and vomit. I went to the meeting and my boss noticed something was up. He rescheduled with the client telling me “I don’t think you’re up to it this morning”.

I for sure thought he was going to fire me for being a huge drunk but nothing happened. I don’t drink wine anymore.

11. Nice old lady is debatable.

Spilled soil samples from an ecology project I was helping our doctorate student on. I contemplated just putting them back into the containers and playing dumb, but that would have been a shitty thing.

So instead, I take our work truck, the soil coring device and in the middle of the night I go to each area again and retake the cores. The bad thing is some sites are on people’s front yards, so here I am, coring yards at 2am on a Wednesday in front of a house like some really shitty dirt burglar.

One old lady heard me and asked what I was doing in her yard, and thankfully instead of shoot me, or let my Lab Director know what the hell I was doing she simply told me that “everyone makes mistakes in science, take those scientists trying to tell us the Earth is getting too warm. Good luck with your dirt study!”

You know what silly old lady? I’ll let this one slide, ignore the fact that we are trying to work out how climate change is interacting with urban ecosystems, you didn’t rat on me. Yes I will enjoy my dirt study.

I did not get fired. No one knew what I did except that nice old lady. And now the internet.

10. The day he almost died.

I climbed in the bailer, to push a stuck bale out.

There’s a camera pointed right at the bailer, so I thought for sure I was done. But nobody saw me or asked about it.

Don’t climb in the bailer, other than stealing that’s the only other thing that will get you fired.

9. So many people’s lives would never have been the same.

Loooong time ago. My first job. In advertising in London.

I was sent a gif by my old college roommate of a woman sucking off a horse and throwing up a ton of jizz. Pretty gross. I forwarded it to his GF to encourage him not to send me this crap again. But I didn’t just send it to her. I sent it to everyone in my office email list. It included clients, some of them pretty high up and very conservative. I panicked like crazy. Luckily, my art director was dating the CEO’s PA and she was really cool. Got the IT guy to delete it from all internal emails, and then sent an email to all the clients telling them there was a virus attached to the email I had sent and to immediately delete it.

No one ever saw that horrendous gif. No one on my agency ever knew except my AD and his GF. I for sure would have been toast.

8. An honest mistake, but still…

Turns out we were allowed to grab free water from the walk in fridge but not Red Bull’s. Didn’t realize they weren’t comped until someone told me I could get in serious trouble for stealing weeks later.

7. Someone was looking out for you, that’s for sure.

I work a desk job at a small office. Bosses left for a meeting and wouldn’t be back for the rest of the day. I didn’t have much to do, so I decided to buy a couple tall cans across the street and watch some Netflix.

An hour later, during a quiet part in the show, I heard my boss talking on his phone. Apparently their meeting got cancelled and they’d been back for about 30 minutes. My desk is right outside my boss’s office, and somehow he didn’t notice anything. He’s extremely strict about work and always complains about time-wasting, but never said anything to me. I have no idea how I wasn’t caught.

6. He could never prove it was him.

Parked badly, my mirror scratched my boss’s truck. He was a prick so I never mentioned it and I forgot about it until reading this

5. No one to blame but himself.

There were some police officers at the reception desk. Not that unusual, police would show up for a wide range of reasons. I strolled by on the way to my office – they were being attended to so I didn’t need to get involved.

20 minutes later I was strolling past reception again. The police were gone. I popped into the facility manager’s office beside the reception desk. We were talking about stuff and I started telling him about this great hashish I had just got my hands on…maybe I could even get him some…

CEO sticks his head in the door and says ‘Sympleton, can I see you out here?’ I stepped out to see what’s up, and he’s standing there beside the same two police officers.

‘Oh shit’, I think.

CEO says ‘Sympleton, these officers are here to drop off a donation cheque for our refugee fund! I was just showing them around the building. Can you take some pictures of us for the website?’

4. Answering phones is one of the worst office jobs.

When I was working as an intern, there was this hideous guy who called the office and started making insane accusations and demands.

I thought I had put him on hold when I called one of my supervisors on another line and said, “There’s some crazy fuck on the other line demanding to talk to someone in charge” but actually somehow he wasn’t on hold; he was listening the whole time. I heard a voice say “WHAT?” on the other line and I was like oh fuck, I’m dead. Lol. So I picked up the phone and just hung it up lol.

By some miracle the guy never called back. I told my supervisor that he hung up and that was the end of it.

3. That’s more than one lucky break.

Spilled coffee all over my laptop. I told my supervisor that it had stopped working and she assumed it stopped because of how old it was. I got a new, much better laptop out of it!

Edit- holy shit, y’all. My fuckery blew up! While I’m sure any person with mediocre knowledge of computers could easily tell what happened, I worked for a small business with no in house IT so I truly skirted by on that blunder. They were never called.

2. As long as you fix it.

Years ago when I worked at a web agency there were several times where I accidentally took down an entire site. Luckily, I usually realized it right away and fixed the issue. The biggest site I did this to was probably Brunswick Bowling.

1. This is like the setup for a movie.

I work at a high volume luxury jewelry boutique, we handle well into the multimillions of dollars worth of jewels and timepieces everyday. When I was moving out of my apartment, I thought it would be smart to save some coin and just take the used boxes from our shipping/receiving room.

Some of you see where this is obviously headed.

I got home from work, dragged the boxes upstairs, and started to pack. 45 minutes into packing my kitchen, I heard a clink on the tile, and didn’t think anything of it, just thought to myself that I’d pick whatever just fell up later.

I forgot about it entirely and went to bed.

Next morning comes around, it’s about 6am. Too dark to see with just the daylight, and too early for me to want to turn too many lights on. I walk into the kitchen to get some coffee going and stepped right on a 9-carat GIA flawless diamond ring. I accidentally stole and then stepped on a 1.3 MILLION DOLLAR RING.

I figured if could take it without anyone noticing, I could put it back the same way. So I tucked it into my lunch bag, and snuck it into our inventory without anybody noticing a damn thing.

I’m so secondhand relieved I think I need a drink!

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