Well-Intentioned, Hilarious Attempts to Untangle the English Language

English is known as one of the toughest languages in the world to learn. There are rules, sure, but they’re kind of more like guidelines and they get regularly broken for really no reason at all.

It was spelled at random until nearly 1600, when some standardization was attempted, but it’s still enough of a mess to give anyone learning it as a second language complete breakdowns on a regular basis.

Which is why, I assume, some people have attempted to make common-sense changes over the years, only to be thwarted because obviously, human beings and change don’t mix – not even when it’s for our own good.

Here are 4 times people have (unsuccessfully) tried to make things a little bit less confusing.

4. Teddy Roosevelt insisted his government use “simplified spelling.”

Image Credit: Public Domain

Spelling reform had become something like trendy by the late 19th century – everyone from Brigham Young to Andrew Carnegie was throwing out suggestions on how to make English easier.

Carnegie thought that English wasn’t catching on with the rest of the world because of its inconsistent spellings, and thought his “Simplified Spelling Board” was the answer. It included a list of 300 revised words (‘rime’ and ‘kist’ instead of ‘rhyme’ and ‘kissed’), and got an unsuspected boost when President Teddy Roosevelt issued an executive order stating that the revised spellings be used in all federal government communications.

Roosevelt’s reason was practical, and came down to the almighty dollar. He believed extra and unnecessary letters were costing millions in printing overheads, which led to pushback from the printing industry, and a bunch of other people that were just too lazy to figure it out.

Across the world, people laughed but Roosevelt stuck to his guns, even delivering a State of the Union written with the revised spellings, many in the government flat-out ignored the order.

3. Benjamin Franklin had a problem with the letter ‘C.’

Image Credit: Public Domain

Cookie Monster would be appalled, but with an eye on a more phonetic alphabet, Franklin believed the letter ‘C’ should really take a hike.

Modern English allows for letters like C to be pronounced differently depending on context. If you read ‘Pacific Ocean,’ for example, you’re pronouncing the ‘C’ three different ways in a single phrase.

Franklin thought the C was unnecessary, given that we have other letters that already make all of those sounds – K and S, for example – and believed the letters J, Q, W, X, and Y were similarly superfluous.

He proposed 6 new letters to represent commonly used sounds like -ng and ‘sh,’ but honestly, no one was really interested.

2. Noah Webster, who created the Webster’s Dictionary, would have been on board, though.

Image Credit: Public Domain

Webster was also an advocate of spelling reform, and is remembered for launching a war on the letter ‘U’ – he’s why Americans drop the letter in words like ‘color’ and ‘rumor.’ The English added it to act sort of French, because we all know we have to act like we loathe the people we actually want to be the most like.

Webster, like Franklin, was a fan of phonetic spelling, and while it might make more sense to spell ‘soup’ ‘sooop’ and ‘tongue’ ‘tung,’ his efforts were also for naught.

His essay on the subject, published in 1790’s Collection of Essays and Fugitiv Writingswas barely legible, and he was basically mocked by the entire country.

I mean, we already learned one set of sh**ty spellings. No one is going to vote to relearn the entire thing.

1. George Bernard Shaw’s Shavian Alphabet

Image Credit: Fair Use

Playwright George Bernard Shaw was famously inspired by his passion for spelling reform, but in the end, he too was conquered by English’s absolute refusal to be smoothed out and squared up.

Because of the vastness of English, he struggled with consistency; he removed apostrophes only to realize he needed them sometimes when a word like ‘I’ll’ looked like ‘ill’ without one.

To fix the problem, Shaw chucked English entirely and imagined an entirely new writing system that embraced phonetic English complete. He died in 1950 and left the bulk of the work to a charitable estate – along with a hunk of cash.

The British Museum ended up with most of the money, but a guy called Kingsley Read got the rest, and set about coming up with a system of 48 “short”, “tall,” and “deep” letters that each corresponded with a unit of sound.

He had trouble with publicity, and again, the inherent laziness of human beings, who weren’t into the idea of finding something entirely new.

Maybe someday.

But probably not.

I guess we’re just going with English the way it is, huh? Colonel and everything?

What’s the most confusing part of English for you? Let’s commiserate in the comments!

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These People All Had a Hard Time With the English Language

English can be hard, even if you’re a native speaker. Sometimes, the right word just won’t come – or, you’ve only heard it and never seen it spelled, maybe?

I don’t know. I’m just trying to give these 12 people the benefit of the doubt.

When really, they just could have used Google.

12. Sometimes we all need a hug.

Image Credit: Twitter

11. I love that Google figured it out.

10. Eh, close enough.

Image Credit: Twitter

9. He was jus trying out something new!

Image Credit: Twitter

8. Gonna go watch the back of my eyelids.

7. Yes. Yes I did.

Ah yes, enslaved calcium from wildbeef

6. Too late.

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5. He made someone’s day at the factory.

4. Okay just stop.

https://contemplativeckik.tumblr.com/post/138109724727

3. “Bird leaf” seems like the right word, honestly.

Image Credit: Twitter

2. That’s a great nickname if I’ve ever seen one.

Image Credit: Tumblr

1. An apt description if I’ve ever seen one.

Stringy water vegetable from wildbeef

Some of these made me snort out loud!

Do you have a story like this? Share it with us in the comments!

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8 Nouns That Only Have a Plural Form

English, as you might have realized by now, can be a difficult language (if you’re trying to learn it, anyway). The rules are fluid, there’s always an exception, and common sense doesn’t really apply the way it does to the “other” romance languages, or even German.

In that vein, I present to you 8 nouns that only come in multiples – meaning you can’t have just one of them, because there is no singular form.

8. Jitters

Some moods or feelings, like jitters, blues, doldrums, are only available in multitudes, sadly. You’re not allowed to have a single willy (of the creeped-out variety) or one heebie-jeebie (even if you’d rather stop there).

7. Scissors

You say “give me the scissors,” not “hand me a scissor,” even though it’s a singular tool. Others are similar (pliers, tongs, tweezers) but not all – you can have one clamp, one bear trap, and one flat iron, even though they, too, are made of joined parts.

Have fun figuring that one out.

6. Shenanigans

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If you’d rather have one shenanigan instead of several, well, you’re out luck. You also cannot have a heroic, or go into a hysteric. Womp-womp.

5. Glasses

Like goggles and binoculars, the word is only plural, even though a “pair of” can be singular. They’re considered a unit made of connected parts, yet only referred to in the plural form.

4. Remains

There’s a small group of words for things that are left behind – remains, leftovers – and you’re not allowed to have a single one of them.

3. Pants

You’d be hard pressed to find a word for clothing that provides separate holes for two legs that’s a singular noun – shorts, jeans, skinnies, leggings, capris, panties, etc, all follow the plural rule even though they’re a single cut of fabric.

Fun fact: We also refer to brands in the same manner, like Levis, even though it’s actually a possessive – Levi’s – not a plural.

2. Suds

This is a strange one, because most words for masses of stuff made of other, smaller stuff will be a singular noun (rice, sugar, salt), but not suds – it’s a plural noun and has plural agreement (the suds are all over the bathroom), perhaps because a single sud is…what? No one is sure.

Or perhaps just because the people who invented English like to screw with us.

1. Riches

There are a few nouns that refer to possession or ownership – furnishings, belongings, earnings, valuables – and they’re all plural. So score one for consistency, at least.

 

Interesting, right? I thought so!

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