Month: March 2021

Posted on

Is It Normal to Feel Like Everyone’s Secretly Mad At You?

There’s a saying that gets attributed to a lot of different people though its true origin is murky. It’s one that I come back to in my mind pretty often and it goes like this:

“You’ll worry less what others think of you when you realize how seldom they do.”

At first it feels cold and cynical, maybe even nihilistic, but that’s not how I interpret it.

We tend to live in this constant fear of the judgement we might be receiving from our peer groups, but the truth is, everyone else out there is also worried about themselves and their own issues. They’re probably not putting a ton of energy into evaluating you – they’re too busy for that.

And yet, thinking like this comes up all the time:

Is it normal to feel like everyone secretly dislikes you, being your friend only out of pity or kindness? If so, how did you over come this? from AskReddit

So what do we do about it? Here are ten pieces of seemingly solid advice from the people of Reddit.

1. Get some counseling.

Counseling – there is pure magic in moving your anxious thoughts into spoken word; once I heard myself speak these anxieties, they became kinda silly.

There is also magic in being able to bounce my anxious thoughts off of someone who is trained not to react to them. They are listening for the meaning and motivation behind your thoughts. Basically it’s like a doctor listening to your list of symptoms and determining what may be causing them.

I can remember being afraid of going to counseling because they might think I was stupid or crazy. It would be embarrassing!

Shift that thought…..it’s also embarrassing to have some weird thing going on in an unmentionable area, but you’re gonna go to a doctor because you’ve been to a doctor and know they are professionals that aren’t going to act like a 5 year old.

Counselors and Therapist are they very same.

– bostonbean7904

2. Remember, they’re busy.

[Something that helped was] the realization that I was giving people way too much credit believing they spent that much time thinking about me.

Seriously! We are pretty much the same in that when we walk away from some socially awkward conversation, that person is doing the exact same thing as you; worrying about how they sounded, looked, acted, what you must being thinking of them, analyzing every word and injecting (most often) wrong perspective, etc.

Their minds are no different than yours in that they shift to self more times than not. I call that little voice in my mind that creeps in my “Inner *sshole”.

I would never speak to a dearly loved companion the way that I talk to myself. I’ve learned to shift my perspective.

– bostonbean7904

3. It’s an ongoing process.

I have to do the work in my mind to keep [the good work] up.

Some people can just flip a switch and let that sh*t go, but i can guarantee that they didn’t just let it go that one time and then the anxiety never crept back in. Nope.

It just gets easier to let that sh*t go after you do the work and train your thought patterns.

The visual analogy that I use for something that I’m perseverating on is driving and seeing a billboard that catches my eye. It’s got this message that i just have to read and study so I pull over and just keep looking at it and I just get stuck at this billboard not being able to divert my attention enough to get back on the road.

And sweet Jesus, sometimes I just plow my car right into that mother f*cker and I’m really stuck. That billboard is not gonna move. I have to move. I have to shift my thought process just enough to get back on the road. The best is when you can see that billboard up ahead (because anxiety be what it be), roll down the window, and flip it off as you punch the gas.

– bostonbean7904

4. Communication is key.

Ask them!

I’ve really done my work on feeling like an imposter. […] I was one of those kids in class that was afraid of their own voice, never asking any questions, because what if they know I don’t know how to do this thing?

See

#1 on giving voice to your thoughts and realizing how silly they sound and then

#2, most people are stuck on self.

Ask them.

– bostonbean7904

5. Therapy won’t bite.

I was feeling like sh*t my whole life, but I also was afraid of therapy bc I thought that it would be too expensive, that I need years to find the one therapist who can help my very bad condition etc….

Instead I tried to cure myself with alcohol and drugs, you can guess how that worked. After 20 years of thinking about going to therapy, I finally did it, it was just how you say: hearing myself speaking out these thoughts was half of the rent.

It took me four sessions, best 500 bucks I ever invested, know I’m full of energy and good thoughts.

It happens from time to time, that the anxiety is crawling back, but therapy gave me the right instruments to deal with it

– fluent_sleeper

6. Calibrate your warning systems.

Sometimes it’s helpful to know why the anxiousness keeps creeping up, and it’s even more important to have a positive attitude towards its presence.

I’m not saying trick yourself into enjoying something unpleasant, because that’s inauthentic. But the anxiety is coming from our internal warning system, whose only two main functions are to keep us safe and productive.

Our minds know we function better with human connection, so sometimes the warning systems that need a little “calibration” go into overdrive pointing out things that aren’t necessary threats.

Like thinking everyone in your friend group pities you. Our minds know it’s within the realm of possibility for that to be a reality; it would be naive to think there aren’t any people on Earth who do that.

So go easy on your warning system, be sure to thank it from time to time, and press forward with that compassion for yourself.

[…]consistent practice WILL make good results come to fruition. Thank you again for discussing this.

– ur_therapist_says_hi

7. It’s not all about you.

I will say a big thing for me was about 6 years ago I asked a friend if they were mad at me because I felt like I had upset everyone. I hadn’t done anything, just that feeling.

He said something that hit me like a ton of bricks. He said ” No, im not mad and nobody is thinking about you.”

It didn’t all change right then, I’ve learned alot about my own self centeredness and I’ve done a lot of therapy in the past 6 years.

Its freeing to realize everyone is concerned with themselves just as you are.

– RangerDull4048

8. Don’t be a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Let me be clear: If people are in your company, THEY LIKE YOU.

That feeling you have, though? That is going to keep worming its way into your mind, looking for confirmation that it’s right, even going so far as to cause you act in ways that make it right.

You might make negative faces you don’t realize. You might not respond in the way a friend needs when they need it because you miss it wondering if it was about you. You might just act weird sometimes.

When people react accordingly, you will take it as confirmation that the feeling was right all along and these people were just faking their friendship.

You would do well to heed the therapy advice and get a handle on how to recognize that feeling as nothing more than an inner guide, and to take it under advisement without trusting it, or worse, acting on it.

– jt004c

9. Watch out for substance abuse.

The answer is not drugs or alcohol, right off the bat. I struggled with this for years. I wish I could saw I woke up and brushed it off but honestly when I was around 21 I just stopped caring what people thought.

It got to the point where the friends I previously thought only liked me because they “had to” starting calling me and asking me what’s wrong and if I could meet up with them.

It showed me in the end that I needed to stop worrying about things that made me unhappy or upset because they were issues that were created by me in my mind to feel bad about myself.

Not that I pitied myself or think that you may be doing the same. But my advice I guess would be to just relax friend. Things are rarely as bad as you make them out to be in your mind.

The mind is a powerful thing, and what you force into it can affect you in a monstrous way. You don’t deserve that. You deserve to know that you matter, and your friend recognize that.

– charres1020

10. Grateful vibes.

What’s been helping me is trying to act on grateful vibes but commenting or messaging on social media posts or commenting or even texting the person off social media to say I saw a post or something made me think of them.

I like the good feeling of someone I know taking the time to send a message or post a comment or a special “like” on a video or something I’ve posted so I love tried to practice not hesitating and if something makes me think of them.

I purposely don’t ask people “how they are” because it opens up the door to me having to explain my life if I’m bummed, but it opens up the door for a little appreciation both ways.

Once I started doing that I was getting more interaction back from them which helped create a positive cycle and a feeling of connection.

– Venting2theDucks

I think those are all pretty great pieces of advice. And if it turns out that it wasn’t in your head, that you’re just friends with a bunch of jerks, find new friends. You don’t need ’em. You deserve better.

Do you have any other thoughts on this topic?

Share them with us in the comments.

The post Is It Normal to Feel Like Everyone’s Secretly Mad At You? appeared first on UberFacts.

Posted on

Was I Wrong for Kicking My Cousin off My Sister’s Wedding Zoom Call? Here’s How Folks Responded.

Family drama alert! And it’s comin’ in really hot!

And, because of the world we currently live in, we’re having family drama on Zoom! Of course, this was going to happen…

Anyway, take a look at this person’s story about what went down during a monumental zoom call and check out the reactions from Reddit users on the other side.

Let’s check it out.

AITA for kicking my cousin off of my sister’s wedding Zoom call?

“My [27M] older sister [30F] and her fiancé [31M] were planning for over a year for their wedding to be this month.

Obviously, they can’t have the wedding as planned, but they still would like to get married, so they decided on a “Zoom” wedding where all of the family/friends would just call in to watch the officiant, my sister, and her fiancé.

My sister didn’t want to be in charge of hosting the Zoom call because she thought it would stress her out, so she asked me to and I gladly accepted.

She and her fiancé decided to invite everyone they originally wanted to, and it was a very big list. When we were going over the list, my sister mentioned to me that she wanted everyone else to be muted for the majority of the wedding as she was worried that others would talk over her and her fiancé and quote “overshadow” them on their big day “that was already scaled down”.

However, her and her fiancé said that I should unmute everyone at one point so everyone could talk and have a nice time with each other.

Fast-forward to the day of the wedding—everyone is muted during the ceremony which goes great, and so I then unmute everyone and ask to please raise a hand if they’d like to talk so it doesn’t get confusing. My cousin (around my age) starts waving his hand crazily, and he’s with his longtime girlfriend (also similar age I guess).

He’s a very gregarious guy, so I was not surprised. Then, he says stuff like “(my sister) and (her husband) are such an inspiration, it’s given me the courage to do this….” then turns to his girlfriend and pulls out a box that is the size of an engagement ring box??

I immediately saw this as him trying to steal the spotlight (something that he’s done since we were kids, ex: he would secretly mess up my sister and I’s drawings if the adults would praise ours) and booted him off of the call.

Then I quickly announced that my cousin had technical difficulties and would not be joining again. Everyone else accepted this and went about talking, and my sister and her husband did too.

The rest of the wedding went smoothly—except for the fact that my cousin kept texting me angrily saying that he finally wanted to propose as a surprise with family all around and I ruined it.

My aunt and uncle texted me the same. AITA??”

And here’s what people on Reddit had to say about what happened…

This person praised the Lord Almighty that the cousin was banished from the call!

Photo Credit: Reddit

Another Reddit user said that the person did the right thing for their sister…and I’m inclined to agree with them.

Photo Credit: Reddit

A reader said that it’s a good thing the wedding was on Zoom, because if the cousin had pulled this in-person it could have been a lot worse.

Photo Credit: Reddit

A reader commented that people who make these kinds of huge gestures on someone else’s special day are 100% wrong all the time.

Photo Credit: Reddit

So what do you think?

Is this person a creep? Or not a creep at all?

Share your thoughts with us in the comments!

The post Was I Wrong for Kicking My Cousin off My Sister’s Wedding Zoom Call? Here’s How Folks Responded. appeared first on UberFacts.

Posted on

A Waitress Asked if She Was a Jerk for Refusing to Return a Tip to a Customer

Waiters and waitresses really have to put up with a lot of bullsh*t, don’t they?

The folks who work in the back of the house in restaurants have their own sets of problems, but those who are out front and center have to deal with all the drama from customers…and you better believe that there is plenty of it.

A waitress shared a story on Reddit’s “Am I the *sshole?” page about dealing with certain customers that frankly sounds like kind of a nightmare.

Let’s take a look.

AITA for refusing to return a tip AND telling a couple that I don’t have time to play mediator?

“I’m a 22 year old, female waitress at Texas Roadhouse. This is one of my two jobs to put myself through college. Most days are fine but other days are a living hell.

Yesterday I was assigned a table that had a husband, wife and what appeared to be a teenage daughter (maybe 17). Everything was going smooth at first and the wife ordered a margarita. The husband then tried ordering a beer. The wife instantly lost her noodles and said “Uh, no. He will not have a beer. He will have a water.”

She then turned to him and said something along the lines of him not needing to drink because he was driving. He said no, the daughter could drive. It was childish.

Anyways, he keeps telling me he wants a beer. She keeps telling me no. In this industry, situations like this are a lose/lose for waitresses. If I get him the beer, wife wont tip. If I dont get him the beer, he wont tip. D*mned if I do, d*mned if I dont. So while they were arguing AT me, I said “Listen, I really dont have time to play mediator here.”

They went silent. I went and got both of them their alcohol. Daughter gives me an apologetic look upon my return, presumably because her mother was acting batsh*t crazy upon seeing me bring a beer in tow.

Flash forward to after their meals. Husband has had 2 beers at this point. Wife has stopped drinking and glares at me everytime I return. Wife and daughter go to the car while husband pays. Husband drops me a $40 tip on a $68 tab. I told him I couldnt accept it. He insisted. Eventually I pocketed it.

Wife comes in an hour or so later demanding that I give her the $40 her husband gave me, stating that I was a terrible host and went against her and I dknt deserve a tip.

She got my manager involved who said “She is not obligated to give you her tip. You left the restaurant and the tip has already been processed. Have a nice night.” She was fuming, screaming at me about how much of an AH I was for supplying her husband alcohol after she said no.

Other guests started chiming in saying that she was being ignorant and that I was doing my job, which is to provide guests with what they want and said that it wasnt MY fault that she was a controlling wife. She storms out.

Given the fact that I was put on the spot like that, I feel insanely guilty. AITA?”

And here’s what people had to say about her story.

One person brought up how bad they feel for the couple’s child.

Photo Credit: Reddit

Another person said the woman did the exact right thing in this strange situation.

Photo Credit: Reddit

This individual said there is absolutely no way the woman was wrong in this situation.

Photo Credit: Reddit

And this person pointed out that she was just doing her job and that she didn’t do anything wrong.

Photo Credit: Reddit

Finally, this Reddit user said that they also feel sorry for the husband in this situation.

The wife sounds like a real treat, huh…?

Photo Credit: Reddit

Now we want to hear from all the readers out there.

Tell us what you think about this situation in the comments.

We look forward to it!

The post A Waitress Asked if She Was a Jerk for Refusing to Return a Tip to a Customer appeared first on UberFacts.

Posted on

Am I a Jerk for Being Mad at My Husband Who Was Going to Give $10,000 to His Sister Without Asking Me? Here’s What People Said.

When money gets involved in any situation, things can go off the rails in a hurry.

And this story is a doozy.

A woman shared her story on the “Am I the *sshole” forum on Reddit to ask the readers there if she was wrong for getting mad at her husband for going behind her back to give a family member A LOT of money.

Here’s how it all went down…

AITA For being mad at my husband who was going to give away $10,000 to his sister without even asking me about it?

“On Saturday morning, I noticed my husband was sending a lot of text messages back and forth. He is usually not much of a texter. He left the phone next to me to charge while he as in the other room.

The phone kept lighting up with text messages when I decided to open it up to see what the big discussion was about.

I know some couples view it as big breach of trust to read through a significant other’s phone, but my husband and I do it regularly so this was not a huge invasion of privacy on my end. We both have nothing to hide and it has never been an issue before.

Anyway, of course I saw something on the phone that I shouldn’t have that got me upset. For background, my husband is 34, I am 32, and his sister is 31 (she’s in this story). Husband and I have been together for 10 years, married for the last four years.

We are all college educated with jobs now. My husband and I each make good salaries around $150k each. We own our house. I still have about $60,000 in student loans I am working to pay off (luckily low interest rates so I just pay the minimum).

We have about $40k liquid in savings. So we are doing good financially but still need to build up more savings as we will probably try to start a family in the next 1-2 years and want to be prepared for an emergency and have a rainy day fund. Anyway, my husband’s sister is trying to buy a 1 bedroom apartment in NYC.

I saw in the text messages that my husband offered to give her $10,000 for her down payment. The money is our savings is OUR money. Our bank accounts are 100% combined. My husband manages 99% of the finances because I prefer not to deal with it. However, it is understood we consult each other regularly on major purchases.

He did not ask me if I was OK with him giving this money to his sister. She didn’t ask, he offered. I immediately confronted him (calmly) and was like, “Hey – Did you tell your sister you would give her $10,000?” He said yes. I asked him when he was going to tell me.

He said, he probably wasn’t. He figured I wouldn’t notice and said he didn’t think I would care about “the details”. I said, “Um, do you think $10,000 is a detail?” He said, “No, that is lot of money. I should have told you about it. Are you OK with it?” I said, “No, I don’t think I am.”

Anyway we decided in that moment not to give the money. He said he would tell his sister and she would understand. He wanted the issue to go away after that.

But I am still mad. I said this was a big breach of trust. I let him control all finances because I trust him to never, ever take advantage of my ignorance. Shouldn’t you be able to trust your husband?

So now, I don’t have that full amount of trust I had before and I want to open my own bank account (which frankly, I should have anyway). But AITA for being totally upset and feeling betrayed about this?

I grew up poor and $10,000 is a ton of money to me (I mean, to most people right?!). I am horrified he would consider gifting it away and not even telling me.

Wow…let’s see what folks on Reddit said about this.

This person didn’t think the woman was wrong at all for being angry at her husband.

Photo Credit: Reddit

Another person made a good point: what else has her husband done with their money…?

Photo Credit: Reddit

Another reader called the husband’s actions “a lie by omission”, and I think they’re right about that.

Photo Credit: Reddit

This Reddit user called it “financial infidelity.” I’ve never heard that one before…

Photo Credit: Reddit

And finally, this reader said that $10,000 is a huge chunk of money and that the woman and her husband might want to think about getting separate accounts after this incident because there are clearly some trust issues here…

Photo Credit: Reddit

Now we want to get your take on the situation.

Do you think this woman was justified in her anger or did she overreact?

Tell us what you think in the comments.

The post Am I a Jerk for Being Mad at My Husband Who Was Going to Give $10,000 to His Sister Without Asking Me? Here’s What People Said. appeared first on UberFacts.