Tweets That Might Heal All Your Sadness…But Probably Not

Are you having a weird day? Yeah, aren’t we all. But don’t sweat it, because we’ve got funny tweets, and four out of five doctors who I’m imagining in my mind recommend funny tweets as a stress reliever, anti-depressant, mood stabilizer, and growth hormone. They are truly a panacea.

Enjoy these ten random Twitter funnies that will heal you of all your woes, maybe.

10. It’s nacho business

Now I want these more than life itself, thanks a lot.

9. Killing it

No innocent person runs that much.

8. Lend a hand

Yeah man, I can dig it.

7. Law and coffee orders

I’d be great at this job as long as we were guaranteed to catch the killer in 42 minutes or less.

6. The Disney princess effect

Them trash bandits are at it again.

5. Armed and dangerous

Why can’t I hold all this life?

4. One track mind

Did you just pull up a pro/con list on your phone?

3. A slice of life

“Have you seen our BLT? It was shaped like this.”

2. Different time zone

I think it’s safe to say that my mind is more or less in a constant state of buffering.

1. Suspiciously tranquil

This tweet was written mid-2020, it can’t possibly be accurate.

Ah, the miraculous power of the internet. If those tweets didn’t completely cure you of all your troubles, we’ll give you a full refund of what you paid for them, guaranteed.

If Twitter was limited to discussing one topic and one topic only, what would/should it be?

Tell us your opinion in the comments.

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Problems That 911 Dispatchers Face During Every Shift

It might not be the most glamorous job in the world, but answering 911 calls takes a special type of person.

911 receives about 240 million calls every year, and with some of the shifts lasting 16 hours – not to mention the content of the calls – you definitely need to be strong.

Here are 9 things they deal with on a regular basis.

9. Never hang up on a dispatcher.

Image Credit: iStock

Every time someone calls and hangs up, a dispatcher is required to call back. So even if you’ve made a mistake, it’s best to stay on the line and explain instead of hanging up.

Bill Blume, a dispatcher since 2001, says that he understands wait times can be frustrating, “but at the same time people just don’t appreciate how much a hang-up can slow the process down.”

8. Most calls aren’t true emergencies.

Image Credit: iStock

While dispatchers get between 300 and 500 calls a shift, veteran Amanda says “Ninety-five percent are nothing calls.”

“They’re not people who need help. They’re people who have low coping skills.

The fact you don’t know how to change the batteries in your fire alarm is not a 911 call. The fact you don’t know where you parked your car at the mall is not a 911 call.

But you’ll have days when it seems that’s all you get.”

Some states have penalties for abusing the system, but they’re usually only enforced with repeat offenders.

Amanda also says it’s not easy to tell right away whether a problem might be serious.

“The level of distress somebody is displaying is in no way correlated to how serious their problem is.

The people who are screaming the most generally have overflowing toilets.

But the calmest guy will call up and say, ‘I don’t really wanna bother anybody, but my wife isn’t breathing.”

Ugh. Please don’t do this.

7. It really helps if you know your own location.

Image Credit: iStock

If you can’t communicate your exact location, a dispatcher can’t send help. Amanda says it’s very common.

“Maybe you’re stuck in a store and  you didn’t pay attention to the address. Or on the highway people are very fuzzy about where they are.

In hotels people don’t know their room number.”

Dispatchers with experience are pretty good at using vague descriptors, the sound of nearing sirens, and in their own lives, are sure to be aware of what’s going on around them at all times.

6. They have a call hierarchy.

Image Credit: iStock

Amanda admits that “calls get triaged based on the level of immediate public danger,” which is to say, they may no be addressed in the order they are received.

They also make the call on whether or not emergency vehicles go out with lights and sirens.

5. The disappearance of landlines has made their jobs harder.

Image Credit: iStock

Most 911 calls – around 80% – are now made from cell phones, which makes it impossible for the dispatcher to use the person’s phone number to pin down their address.

Nikki, a dispatcher for 9 years, says that some cell phone carriers are more accurate than others, though.

“We’ve discovered that Sprint and Verizon have the most accurate locations.

We were once trying to locate a man with a gun, and he had Sprint, and the map showed him on one side of a pine tree and that’s exactly where he was.”

In 2018, Apple and Google both added services that transmit location data from cell phones to 911.

4. They get a lot of butt dials.

Image Credit: iStock

The FCC estimates that around half of the 911 calls from NYC cell phones are accidental – which adds up to 84 million calls every year.

FCC Commissioner Michael O’Rielly says,

“This is a huge waste of resources, raises the cost of providing 911 services, depletes PSAP morale, and increases the risk that legitimate 911 calls – and first responders – will be delayed.”

Nikki says it’s not all bad, though.

“We’ve had people call with the phone under their pillow while they’re having sex, or people singing while they’re driving down the road.”

On rare occasions, accidental calls have also helped lead to real arrests.

3. You don’t have to say a word.

Image Credit: iStock

It’s entirely possible that someone calling for help may not be able to speak, like in a case where they don’t want to be overheard, or if they’re choking.

Dispatchers are trained to ask yes-or-no questions that the caller can answer with the push of a button.

Martha, a dispatcher from George, explains,

“…if there’s a domestic situation, we’ll ask, ‘Is he still in the room? Does he have a weapon? Has he been drinking?’”

Truly terrifying.

2. You might get a busy signal.

Image Credit: iStock

If there is a large emergency that is experienced or witnessed by a large crowd, lines could be busy, says Amanda.

“When you have a very public incident going on, sometimes you’ll get busy signals because there are instantly 1000 calls.

The problem is that within those busy signals are some set of people calling for things that are not the public incident.”

So yeah, don’t call if there’s a BIG emergency… just your emergency.

1. Here’s how you get around it.

Image Credit: iStock

If you can’t get through, try calling your police or fire department directly – Rachel Herron, a former dispatcher from California says they’re easy to find online.

“You should have that number programmed into your phone.”

I don’t think I could handle it, honestly.

If you’re a 911 operator or know someone who is, tell us some good stories in the comments!

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A New Study Busts the Myth That Vikings Weren’t Genetically Diverse

Most people have an idea that Vikings were all giants with blond hair, blue eyes, and a thirst for raiding and pillaging foreign lands before returning how to bask in the icy, Nordic cold.

And while the latter may still turn out to be true, a new study is pretty much proving the homogenous physical description in our minds incorrect.

The study, published in Nature, indicates the Viking Empire arched over genetically distinct groups that emerged from different Scandinavian regions – some of which contained Southern European and Asian genes.

Image Credit: Oxford Archaeology

It took the study authors six years to sequence the genomes of 442 Viking-age skeletons that dated from 2400 BCE to 1600 CE. When they were done, they had data that revealed how different factions within the Viking world had trickled throughout Northern Europe.

Author Martin Sikora delved deeper into their research in a statement.

“We found that Vikings weren’t just Scandinavians in their genetic ancestry, as we analyzed genetic influences in their DNA from Southern Europe and Asia, which has never been contemplated before.

Many Vikings have high levels of non-Scandinavian ancestry, both within and outside Scandinavia, which suggest ongoing gene flow across Europe.”

Norwegian Vikings mainly traveled to Ireland, Scotland, Iceland, and Greenland, while Swedish Vikings preferred the Baltic countries.

Image Credit: iStock

Danish Vikings headed off to England.

The genetic consequences of those specific raiding tendencies can be seen today, with around 6% of British people bearing Viking genes.

The study also revealed that Vikings likely traveled in family units as they pillaged foreign lands – one of the earliest raise involved 41 men from Sweden traveling to Estonia in the mid-8th century.

Image Credit: iStock

They all perished, and genetic analysis revealed the group included 4 brothers and a bunch of other closely related men.

They also found Vikings with no Scandinavian ancestry at all, so theories arise that certain Northern European cultures were likely assimilated into the Viking world without ever mixing genetically with their overlords.

Image Credit: iStock

So, researcher Eske Willerslev says we need to come to grips with the idea that the Vikings did not all look alike – and they wouldn’t have all passed Hitler’s muster, either.

“Our research debunks the modern image of Vikings with blonde hair as many had brown hair and were influenced by genetic influx from the outside of Scandinavia.”

There you have it, folks – history is not always what we believe, and if you ask me, that’s one of the best things about it.

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Check Out the Smallest Ocean in the World. It’s Also the Most Shallow.

Hi there!

There are times when you need to know something for reasons, and sometimes the knowing is enough – but also, being able to kick your friends and family’s butts at Trivial Pursuit has never felt bad, has it?

If the question on the table is “what’s the world’s smallest ocean,” and you find yourself hesitating, don’t worry.

We’ve got your back.

Image Credit: iStock

Oceans cover 71% of the Earth’s surface, and geographers take this space and divide into smaller regions of ocean – the smallest of which is the Arctic Ocean.

Small is, of course, relative – it still covers around 5.4 million square miles (around 150% larger than North America).

Image Credit: iStock

It’s located at the polar region of the Northern Hemisphere and is almost completely surrounded by Europe, Asia, and North America.

For most of the year it is covered in ice, though as you may have heard, rising temperatures are melting it at alarming rates.

Image Credit: iStock

The Arctic ocean is 10x smaller than the Pacific Ocean, and it’s also the shallowest of the world’s oceans, with an average depth of around .65 miles (1.04 kilometers, 3407 feet).

For comparison, the average depth of the world’s oceans as a whole is 2.3 miles (3.7 kilometers, 12,100 feet), and the deepest ranges of the Pacific measure around 6.85 miles (11 kilometers, 36,200 feet) deep.

Image Credit: iStock

The gaps in size and depth have led some scientists to suggest reclassifying it as a sea, or simply including it as part of the Atlantic Ocean, but for now, it remains the Arctic Ocean.

It’s the sort of thing scientists love arguing over, as is evidenced by the continued debate in including the so-called Southern Ocean (or Antarctic Ocean) as the world’s fifth ocean.

Image Credit: iStock

Not all members of the International Hydrographic Organization (IHO) have officially accepted the parameters of that “new” ocean, but listen…it’s all one ocean.

*hums We are the World*

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Tattoos That Will Make You Say…“Why?”

This particular post is not for the faint or heart.

Tattoos can be beautiful and evocative expressions of self. They can also be total nightmares that defy all reason. Personally, I’ve never seen myself as being a tattoo guy. Can’t really imagine liking an idea so much that I decide to make an image of it a permanent part of my body. But, yanno, to each their own. And for the people on this list, their own is…truly their own.

Here are fifteen real tattoos that will make you say “What? Why?”

15. Bumps and bruises

I’ve never been less comfortable in my entire life.

14. This went swimmingly

Is this Thomas the Tank Engine cursed to be an octopus? Because it looks like Thomas the Tank Engine cursed to be an octopus.

13. Mouse trap

This is either very funny or deeply concerning.

12. Cringe-ception

We’re reaching levels of basic that shouldn’t even be possible.

11. Switch it up

If u stay, go. Stay do it fever today.

10. Peppa pop’a’cap

What is with this theme of militant children’s cartoon characters?

9. Eye see you

The false eyes help protect him from predators.

8. A real jackass

Like on onion, this has layers of awful.

7. Word search

F*ck cops, worship frogs? Did bizarro Alex Jones write this?

6. Feeling testy

I don’t want to ask because I don’t want to know, moving RIGHT along.

5. I’m on a boat

This is either a reference to the film The Lighthouse or just the ravings of a lunatic. YOU decide.

4. Death knell

It’s just like Jesus said, “The south will rise again and so will I lol.”

3. Queef

Queef.

2. Pat-thicc

I think I may actually have a curse on me now.

1. Matching madness

If this is an inside joke I’mma need you to keep it deeeep inside.

Well, that was horrifying. I need to go wash my eyes out with soap. Be right back.

What’s the weirdest tattoo you’ve ever seen?

Tell us in the comments.

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Mattel Is Offering a Day of the Dead Barbie Doll

In case you don’t have a child in your life that requires regular gifts and offerings, let me assure you that Barbie dolls are still very much a thing. Mattel has responded to some concerns about their dolls, like giving Barbie different professions and creating Barbies with different skin tones, and even coming out with Barbie dolls that aren’t unrealistically thin.

Now, they’re crossing cultural boundaries and releasing a “Day of the Dead” Barbie that celebrates Halloween according to the Latin tradition of the holiday.

The Barbie – Día de Muertos – is beautifully designed by Javier Meabe, who originally crafted her in 2019 as a special edition.

She was so well-received that Mattel is planning on making her an annual release, and Meabe issued a press release to talk about how she’ll be the same – and different.

“Adding new textures, fabrics, flowers, and a new dress silhouette were ways to introduce the new elements to the second doll while still keeping the traditional elements that are important to the Día de Muertos celebration. Traditions like marigolds, skeleton details, and Calaveras makeup were elements that I knew we had to keep but introduce in a new way.”

Romper reported that the new doll wears a pale pink lace hook skirt that’s underlaid with a colorful floral pattern (and some skulls), while the original version wore a black, trumpet dress adorned with butterflies and flowers.

The special edition version wore her hair in two long braids, black with blue highlights, while the 2020 version will have a braided updo set with matching flowers.

Both wear the skull-like makeup that is traditional on the day.

Día de Muertos is said to be the say when the dead return to their families to enjoy food, music, and memories. It begins at midnight on Halloween, with children arriving first and adults 24 hours later.

If you’re looking to incorporate the tradition – or continue to celebrate it – in your home, you can preorder the 2020 doll for $75.

I think both of these dolls are just beautiful, and would have a hard time letting a child play with them, to be honest!

Also, not to sound old, but man, Barbie dolls are certainly pricier than they used to be!

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911 Operators Share Behind-the-Scenes Secrets

There are a lot of jobs in this world that possess some kind of mystery, but most of us don’t spend too much time thinking about what 911 operators handle on a daily basis.

This, despite the fact that around 240 million of us call 911 every year – that’s between 300 and 500 calls per operator per day.

Yeah.

So I think it’s fair to say they’ve probably got their fair share of secrets – and these 10, shared by those with years of experience, are pretty cool.

10. Kid calls are the worst.

Image Credit: iStock

Emergencies involving children will get to even the most experienced operators – like retired dispatcher Rachel Herron.

“Everyone hates a baby call.

If you get a call that a baby isn’t breathing, the whole room gets really, really quiet and all the dispatchers pull for the person giving CPR instructions.

I’ve had a couple that have gone badly and those are hard to let go.”

Truly heartbreaking.

9. They don’t know what happens after they hang up.

Image Credit: iStock

One of the hardest things about their jobs is hanging up and moving onto the next call without knowing the outcome of the one they’re on. Once first responders are on the scene, though, they have to do just that.

Jill, a 14-year-veteran, confirms.

“It is the worst part.

You have this intense moment with this person, it could be the most horrible moment of their life and you’re the first one to help them, and you never find out what happens.”

I wonder how many people get PTSD because of that?

8. There are “regulars.”

Image Credit: iStock

Billy Blume, a long-time dispatcher, says,

“We call them frequent flyers. You kind of develop a relationship with them. You remember them and know how that conversation is gonna go.

It may be someone prone to alcoholism or who has a history of mental illness and you know certain things that work on other calls just aren’t gonna work there.”

Would you have thought this happens?

7. Sports fans are likely to wait too long to call.

Image Credit: iStock

The centers are quiet during major sporting events…but only because fans don’t want to interrupt the game, says dispatcher Amanda.

“You get no calls when the game is on. None. It’s bizarre.

As soon as the game is over, you’ll have 20 guys having a heart attack because they weren’t willing to call during the game.

It’s true every single year.”

No game is THAT important. You can always watch the highlights.

6. Creatives are drawn to the job.

Image Credit: iStock

A lot of dispatchers are there for a paycheck until their other career – author, musician, dancer – takes off.

“You rarely see someone come into a job as a dispatcher where that is their career goal,” says Blume, who is himself an author.

If you’re thinking about signing on for supplemental income of your own, though, think twice – Blume estimates only about 1/3 of new hires make it.

5. They’re very superstitious.

Image Credit: iStock

They never acknowledge a quiet or slow shift, because that’s the best way to get an onslaught of calls.

Shhhhhhhhh!

4. They find ways to keep their hands busy.

Image Credit: iStock

Dispatchers are all good multi-taskers and thrive on those adrenaline-filled moments, but when things are slow, many are browsing social media or knitting to pass the time.

Nikki, a long-time dispatcher, has been doing it so long she can browse Pinterest while she walks someone through how to do CPR.

Yeah.

3. They never ask ‘why’ – and they don’t care.

Image Credit: iStock

They only care about the what and where or your emergency; the why has no bearing on the things they need to accomplish.

Nor should it!

2. They know if you’re lying.

Image Credit: iStock

Callers lie for all kinds of reasons, like saying there have been shots fired in an attempt to get police to come sooner, or an abuser who took the phone from a victim saying everything is fine.

Dispatchers are listening for cues all the time says Blume.

“Usually you can read into tone. A red flag is if, when I call back, they say the call was a mistake, that’s a big difference than if they say it was an accident.

If they say it was a mistake that gives me the impression they were trying to call on purpose and clearly there was a reason why they did it.

You have to be suspicious.”

Very interesting! They’re almost a human lie detector.

1. They suffer trauma.

Image Credit: iStock

A 2012 study found that 911 dispatchers are at risk for PTSD because of the high volume of stressful calls they receive every shift.

Things like this, says dispatcher Jill, are hard to shake off.

“I heard a gentleman take his last breath after being stabbed.

That one bothers me today and it happened seven years ago.

I have a thick skin but not around my heart.”

Dispatchers are likely to suffer insomnia, paranoia, and grief even when they’re not manning the phones – walking around their town’s streets can be reminders of where people suffered and died.

Many of them cope by remembering that most of the time, their involvement is able to make things better for the person on the other end of the line.

I don’t think this is the job for me, y’all, but props to those who do it!

If you’ve done this work, share some stories with us in the comments!

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These Parenting Tweets Hit All the Right Notes

Here’s the thing about parenting tweets: just when you think you’ve seen all of them, and there will never be more that impress you or make you laugh, someone proves you wrong.

Or in the case of these 15, more than one someone. At least, we think so!

15. And that’s just for the parents.

The rest of you saps can find your own.

14. It is a time-honored tradition.

It shall live long after your kids and grandkids are grown.

13. Those two things do not go together.

If you’re without screens, no one is relaxing.

12. If you want people to meet you where you are…

Everyone should bring earplugs.

11. I think they wear name tags.

This is a really good question though.

10. It’s technically the same thing.

A mean teacher would still mark it wrong on a test, though.

9. He might as well join the fray.

He’s no less informed than Karen from high school drill team.

8. All necessary school supplies if you ask me.

Or anyone else attempting this feat.

7. How to be a Queen, 101.

She’s being taught well.

6. You definitely can’t answer those in a minute.

Or even in a week.

5. That pretty much sums it up.

They’re cute though.

4. Everyone knows this will happen.

Everyone who has ever been inside an elementary school, anyway.

3. Mothers do not get enough breaks.

Especially not in the current scenarios.

2. Decompression takes time.

You can’t rush these things.

1. Bless her heart.

This made me snort-laugh.

 

One of my parenting goals is to one day make one of these lists!

What’s the best tweet you ever made about parenting? Share it with us in the comments!

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Check out the Homemade Fruit Fly Trap That Actually Works

You’ve never known true annoyance until you’ve had to deal with fruit flies swarming your basket of lovely summer fruit on the counter.

You’ve never wanted to throw up in your kitchen until you’ve found fruit fly maggots on a bowl of cherry tomatoes you forgot existed.

I hear.

Image Credit: Taste of Home

There are all sorts of tips and tricks for getting rid of fruit flies, but listen – none of them work 100%. So when I heard about a trap that really works, well…consider me riveted.

First, let’s go over the 5 most popular kinds of traps, so we can see which one worked the best for this Reader’s Digest writer.

I promise, this will be fun.

5. Leave out a piece of rotten fruit – No fruit flies captured

Image Credit: Taste of Home

This seems like a good idea, because it gives your bad fruit a job, and we know fruit flies love ripe fruit.

You just chop up some fruit that’s past its eating prime, cover the bowl with plastic wrap and secure it with a rubber band, then poke some holes in the top with a toothpick.

In this woman’s test, though, no fruit flies were captured.

4. Milk, Sugar, Dish Soap, and Black Pepper – 3 fruit flies captured

Image Credit: Taste of Home

These common household items are easy to find, at least – 1/2c milk, 2tsp sugar, a squirt of dish soap, and a sprinkle of black pepper on the top.

You heat the milk and sugar on the stove until the latter dissolves, then stir in the dish soap (to make the surface sticky enough to trap the flies), cracking the pepper on top last.

It only caught 3 flies overnight.

3. Balsamic Vinegar + Red Wine Vinegar – No fruit flies captured

Image Credit: Taste of Home

Use equal parts and pour them into a glass. Cover it with plastic wrap and a rubber band, like the rotten fruit, and poke your holes.

You would think, based on how much they enjoy both vinegar and wine, that this would be a winner.

It was not.

2. Dish Soap, Apple Cider Vinegar, and Hot Water – 18 fruit flies captured

Image Credit: Taste of Home

Squirt your dish soap (just a little) into a glass, then add apple cider vinegar until the glass is about 1/3 full. Blast steaming-hot water into the glass to form a thick layer of bubbles on top.

The fruit flies were instantly interested in this one, and she caught 18 overnight.

1. Beer + Rotten Banana – 8 fruit flies captured

Image Credit: Taste of Home

One thing you probably need a use for and one you hate to toss, I guess.

You put a piece of a rotten banana in a jar, then pour in enough beer to partially cover the banana. Grab a cone-shaped coffee filter and poke a small hole in the bottle, then set it on top of the jar (make sure to hold it in place somehow.

She thought this was a sad waste of beer, trapping only 8 fruit flies overnight.

Well, there you have it my friends – the dish soap, apple cider vinegar, and hot water were the clear winner.

Go forth and conquer – that fruit is yours, and you paid a pretty penny for it, too!

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