Month: May 2020

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Funny Tweets About How Time Has No Meaning Anymore

Do you have the time? I mean, you probably do have some extra time right now. But like, do you know what time it is? Does anybody? If Twitter is any indication, the answer to that question is a firm “No.”

When your usual routine gets thrown off, it’s amazing how quickly your entire outlook goes into disarray. Lucky for us, some of the responses are really funny. Like these!

15. Dish, girl

It’s kinda like how geological time is measured in rock layers.

14. Ok, Google

This is all just a part of their plot to make us fully rely on them.

13. Underwhen

There’s a joke here about being “brief” that, to my eternal shame, I can’t seem to find.

12. Handy rhymes

Then another 90 days of fear,
For each month of the entire year

11. Time keeps on slippin’

Slippin’, slippin’, into the futuuuuure.

10. TGIW

Every day is Friday when nobody cares.

9. Homewreckers

I think maybe it’s Thruzeday?

8. It never ends

It’s a band, I think?

7. It all makes sense

Ushering in a new era.

6. Back to the future

A simpler time when time was literally simpler.

5. Nailed it

I mean, you have a clock and a calendar on your phone but ok.

4. A hard day’s night

I should be sleepin’ like a log.

3. Superimposition

It’s every day, every day.

2. Classic

Tell ’em, Peters.

1. April showers bring indifference

At least I’m the only one who has to deal with me.

Hope you enjoyed that list! But how long have you been looking at it? A couple of minutes? A week? WHAT YEAR IS IT?!

Any tips for keeping to a good schedule?

Drop ’em in the comments.

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A Woman Unexpectedly Falls in Love When Her Pet Shrimp are in Peril

We all love our pets. But most of that love is directed at the bigger, fuzzier kind of companion that will show us affection, or in the case of cats, tolerance. But have you ever formed a bond with a pet a little smaller?

When I was a kid I had hermit crabs. “Hermit” is literally in the name. These creatures live to hide in their shell, and if you do actually touch them, they will pinch you. Nothing could be further from a good pet. And yet, they’re a popular choice. And I loved mine till the day they died. RIP, embarrassingly-named-pet-crabs.

But this story is some next level unexpected pet love. A teacher who goes by @thebugchicks on Twitter shares a tale of freshwater shrimp, and near disaster. Read on.

They are strangely cute. Maybe it’s those big ol’ eyes?

I don’t know if freshwater shrimp literally have the capacity to care how big their house is, but, if they do, she’s cognizant of that need.

These two are clearly in very good hands.

Trips to the pet store are often dangerous for me, as well.

At this point in the story, I’m feeling a little bit bad that the last time I impulse bought shrimp was at a Red Lobster.

Despite what the internet may imply, it’s OK to not have strong feelings about absolutely everything.

Here’s where the story ramps up.

I can hear the tense string soundtrack in the back of my mind.

Dun dun DUUUN!

It’s never until we face the possibility of losing everything that we realize what we truly have.

Eat your heart out, Speilberg.

Just a second, adding the word “manpanion” to my lexicon forever.

Maybe this is exactly why he fell in love with you?

*munches popcorn with wide-eyes*

The DOG is the antagonist of this story? But he looks like such a good boy! I don’t know if I can deal with this new twist.

All moments of panic need a factoid or two to settle the mood.

Success!

I’m not crying about some lady’s shrimp. Nope. Not me.

Marty & Sal have no idea how good they’ve got it.

We should probably all be tracking our emotions a little more closely these days.

And that is the tale of crustacean-fascination-turned-infatuation that took the internet by moderate storm. You’re welcome.

What’s the pet you’ve bonded with the most?

Tell us about them in the comments.

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Here Are Some of the Weirdest Breakup Texts We’ve Read

Technology sure is great. It can help connect us, heal us, entertain us, and enrich us. Also you can use text messages to break up with people, which is probably exactly what Alexander Graham Bell envisioned when he started working on the whole telephone thing.

Enter @weneedtobreakup – an Instagram account dedicated to gathering hilarious relationship texts, including a bunch that, as the name implies, seem to preceded a breakup.

From the brutal to the cute to the confusing, here are some examples of exactly how you can gain an ex via SMS.

13. Pls don’t be offended

At least they’re being honest.

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this seems more like an in person convo.

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12. A new boyfriend

Dude. Yikes.

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and that was the last time anybody ever heard from Jake

A post shared by Unspirational (@weshouldbreakup) on

11. K bye

Are you the sentimental type or not?

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Well, this is one way to do it

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10. Poop talk or dying?

I’d cancel those dinner reservations, bro.

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Dinner sounds like the WRONG time to discuss it

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9. Pizza for 1

Eat your feelings.

View this post on Instagram

Ice. Cold.

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8. You’re decision

No it’s YOUR* decision and now I see why they dumped you.

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We *did* break up

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7. You can pretend though

I don’t think there’s a word for this kind of relationship.

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#fuckbuddyzone

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6. What?

I’m gonna need to see this in context, please.

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VERY LITERAL POTENTIAL BREAKUP

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5. Seriously tho

If you have to ask, you probably know.

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IS THAT WHY!?!? TELL ME!!!

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4. It’s a nice day

Maybe it’s because of your listening skills.

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MID BREAK UP!!!

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3. My birthday present

Gee, thanks?

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Breaking up via emoji is smooth

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2. April fools

It’s bad either way.

1. K bye

Shakespeare himself could not have penned a more elegant tragedy.

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SLEEP IT OFF

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Hopefully we’re all treating our breakups with a little bit more dignity than this. At the very least show them the respect of sending them the bad news over Snapchat. It’s called class.

What’s the weirdest breakup you’ve ever had?

Share the tale in the comments.

The post Here Are Some of the Weirdest Breakup Texts We’ve Read appeared first on UberFacts.

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15 Very Honest Texts about Couples

Good relationships are built on honesty. I’m not sure if that means the kind of radical, no-holds-barred honesty found in the posts collected by @weshouldbreakup on Instagram, but if so, maybe these screenshots are from the healthiest couples ever? I hope? I doubt?

Either way they’re pretty funny. Have a look at a few examples of romantic partners being oddly up front with each other in the way only a long-term relationship can really produce. Fair warning: a weirdly high number of them are about poop, for some reason.

15. Romance isn’t dead

Feelings aren’t the only thing I’m holding in.

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ROMANCE IS ALIVE

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14. Honestly erotic

Frank sex negotiations get me so hot and bothered.

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Romance is alive and well

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13. Bath bomb

I both do and do not want to know the context of this one.

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Why

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12. Formulaic love story

You can’t argue with math.

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Is this real science. Vote yes or no

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11. Talk dirty to me

Let’s taco bout sex, baby.

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?????

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10. My number 2 priority

Wait so…what exactly happened here?

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You’re my #2

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9. A matter of perspective

Through a mirror darkly.

8. Early riser

We’re off schedule.

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some people are morning people. some people are not

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7. A bright idea

I can’t tell if this is cute or scary.

6. TP-cal

Repeal and replace.

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This is grounds for divorce

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5. Peanut butter jealous time

There are some lines you just don’t cross.

4. Conflicting visions

Well that took a turn.

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this is going well

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3. A quiet place

You’re*, dammit.

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HOW ABOUT HULU AND SHUT THE FUCK UP

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2. Chicks’n’sandwich

You’ll come crawling back once Sunday rolls around.

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Chick-Fil-Bae

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1. Big sad energy

When you just know each other so well.

View this post on Instagram

Honesty is key

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It’s sort of heartwarming? I guess? In a funny way. Better to be able to honestly say weird things to each other than have to hide who you are. So, they’ve got that going for them. Which is nice.

What’s the funniest exchange you’ve had with your partner lately?

Tell us about it in the comments.

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Great Examples of Kids Being Funny and Weird

You know it’s true…kids are weird. They’re funny, but they’re DEFINITELY weird as well.

But that’s a good thing!

Because those kiddos sure like to keep us on our toes!

Here 13 funny and weird kiddos that we think will give you a good laugh.

Enjoy!

1. NOW I’ll give it a shot.

This is a pretty genius move on Mom’s part.

2. Hahahaha. Brilliant!

Not going anywhere without the cat.

Our 6 year old "ran away" yesterday so we told him we love him and to come back if he needs anything. He came back and took the cat. from funny

3. Trying to pull a fast one.

I’d like to know if this worked…

4. Son, we’re going to China.

A long trip just to get some food.

https://twitter.com/MrAberdeen1/status/1252642960329576449

5. He’s in for a surprise.

Because NO ONE can beat up their dad. That’s just a fact of life.

6. “We would like to have some power in this house.”

This takes a lot of balls.

7. Another huge lie about food.

Parents are doin’ what they have to do.

8. Sir, your pants are falling down.

I wonder what his response was…

"When your three year old tells man at McDonalds that his pants are falling down." -friend’s photo from funny

9. This kid is going places.

He’s a genius, okay?

This kid was a fart for Halloween. from funny

10. And the cat was fed!

I’m sure kitty was a big fan of this…

Toddler was asked to feed the cat from aww

11. Already a fashion icon.

Some kids just have it going on.

My daughter has been picking her own clothes and watching her big brother get on the bus. from funny

12. A time to mourn.

This little girl has a very dark sense of humor.

When I babysit my niece she makes me play operation. Her favorite part is when she dies and we have a funeral for her. from pics

13. This does not bode well for you…or for society…

About the heads in the containers…

I might need to have a talk with my daughter, but I’m not sure what I’d even say. from funny

Those darn kids!

They always keep life interesting, don’t they?!?!

Now we want to hear from you.

In the comments, please share a story or a photo of your kid acting crazy or funny!

Let’s see what you got!

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This Golden Retriever Plays the Laziest Game of Fetch Ever

All of us have lazy days. You know, the ones where you feel like doing absolutely nothing. Maybe you wear your morning pajamas until the afternoon, then switch into your evening pajamas.

An adorable dog is exemplifying this feeling in an Instagram video that’s sure to make you smile.

Meet Napa, a golden retriever who lives in Chicago. She wants you to know that it’s OK to relax, take a load off and really just live your best life while you’re sprawled on the floor resting.

Her video was wildly popular with the people of the internet, perhaps because they know exactly how she feels.

In fact, it seems like Napa feels lazy pretty often, based on some of her other behaviors. Here she is smooshing her human:

But it’s not as if all Napa ever does is lay around. Occasionally, she likes to get outside and be active.

Case in point: She’s been known to do some weight training with sticks at local ponds:

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Never give pup ?

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But… then she usually ends up back on the floor afterward. We feel you, Napa. We really do.

Because, let’s be honest, if we had an actual, legit spirit animal… it would be a goldie who doesn’t want to play catch and just lays around the house all day.

But generally speaking, she’s pretty happy with the way her life is playing out these days. I mean just look at that big toothy smile:

View this post on Instagram

Turn that frown upside down ?

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What’s the goofiest thing your pet does on a regular basis? We want to hear from all kinds of pet owners! Dogs, cats, parakeets, ferrets — you name it!

Let us know in the comments!

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This A Dad’s Hilarious ‘Dadosaur’ Impressions Are Very Entertaining

It’s pretty unanimous: Dad jokes are hilarious. But you know what doesn’t get a lot of attention? Dad impressions.

One dad in particular really takes his impressions very seriously. Because if you’re a dad… what else do you have to do to crack your kids up?

More specifically, his impression of a dinosaur, which even has its own name: Dadosaur. Whenever one of his children simply utters the name “Dadosaur,” he has no choice but to spring to action.

God bless you, teens of the internet, for being there to capture hilarious moments like these.

@olivemannella

Dadosaur ate the Easter cake ? @frankiemannella #fyp #foryoupage #happyeaster #dadosaur #petlife

♬ original sound – olivemannella

The second best part of that video, though, is definitely Mom scolding the Dadosaur for being so ridiculous.

Whose mom hasn’t reacted in exactly the same way toward something their dad did?

In addition to smashing cakes, he also ruins family pictures. What can’t he do?

@olivemannella

Dadosaur ruins Easter pictures ? #happyeaster #fyp #foryoupage #petlife #dadosaur @frankiemannella @clmannella

♬ original sound – olivemannella

Also, little known fact, but apparently dinosaurs can take out the garbage, too. How they manage to do household tasks with such teeny-tiny arms is still a modern mystery.

@olivemannella

Dadosaur takes out the trash… almost ?? #dadosaur #stayhomestaystrong #keepingbusy #fyp #foryoupage @frankiemannella @clmannella @elliemannella

♬ original sound – olivemannella

Also, can we just say for the record that it seems like this family has a lot of fun? Like seriously, just check out the commitment to this choreography from everyone:

@olivemannella

Inspired by @twitchtok7 & @allisonholkerboss! Mannella family style ✨ @frankiemannella @clmannella @elliemannella @izzymilli3 #fyp #dadosaur

♬ BDASH x DJ Maata 1000milesdance – bdash_2

Did your mom or dad have a go-to trick for cracking you up? A favorite joke, impression or song?

We’d love to hear about it! Let us know in the comments!

Oh, and a big shout out for all those dads out there. Thanks for being awesome!

The post This A Dad’s Hilarious ‘Dadosaur’ Impressions Are Very Entertaining appeared first on UberFacts.

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Fascinating Tweets About Some Awful Dates

Raise your hand if you think dating is a really good time. I can’t actually see any of you, of course, but I’m going to go ahead and assume there no hands in the air right now. Dating is generally thought of a necessary evil, the sort of thing you hope turns out well but might be awful. The only upside to the awful is that it can result in a lot of great stories.

Twitter user @millercycle posed the following prompt to the internet at large:

There were hundreds of replies, and most of them were fascinating, cringy gold. Enjoy this selection of examples.

14. Moving on

Please don’t use a date as a therapy session.

13. Prison and a movie

This is the grossest show and tell I’ve ever heard of.

12. Insult to injury

This is called “negging” and it’s a pickup artist technique employed by douchebags. Never be this guy.

11. A taxing experience

I have so many followup questions for this one.

10. Extortion

Boy oh boy can money make people terrible.

9. Candid camera

Look, no kink-shaming but you need CONSENT from EVERYBODY.

8. The young and the restless

This is…concerning.

7. Literally Hitler

How is this even possible?

6. Drugs not hugs

Everybody knows you don’t do this ’till the third date.

5. B I T E

I really REALLY need to hear your worst story now.

4. Nec-romance

Weirdest. 3 way. Ever.

3. Distance

Welp. She’s a free spirit, we can give her that.

2. Stranded

As someone who recently visited Detroit, this is a fate worse than death.

1. Pickpocket

Welp. Run, I guess?

These stories are truly helping me feel better about the fact that I haven’t had a date in a while. I think I’ll just revisit them every time I need that boost. Thanks for validating my loneliness yet again, internet!

What was your worst date?

Tell us in the comments.

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True Stories About Some Very Bad Dates

You’ve had bad dates. We all have. There are more bad date stories in this world than there are people. The stories range from the truly abhorrent to the charmingly embarrassing to the downright bizarre, and we can’t seem to get enough of them.

Which is why I’d like to turn your attention to this gift of a thread kicked off by Twitter user @millercycle:

I’ve been combing through these replies for a while now and they’re incredible. Here are just a few of the highlights for your love-hate enjoyment.

13. I’m lovin’ it

To be fair, who has money in high school?

12. Breakdown breakup

Why do people just refuse to fix their cars sometimes?

11. Stuffed

That’s a swing and a miss for hoping she’ll have the same weird sensibilities as you, my dude.

10. Double date

This is literally a sitcom cliche, I refuse to believe this happened in real life.

9. Ex machina

There were soooo many stories like this in the thread.

8. Get out

I literally cannot think of a worse question to start a date with.

7. Wipeout

I…I just…what?

6. Pole position

That’s gonna be a yikes from me.

5. Making the cut

There’s a sentence in here which, I swear to you, you will not see coming.

4. Dine & dash

There’s no such thing as a free lunch.

3. Bee careful

That’s Barry B. Benson! You monster!

2. The grapes of wrath

Has this human ever humaned before?

1. The kiss

Maybe stop adopting such attractive dogs.

Welp, that was horrifying. There are so many of these stories I desperately want more information on but I’m simultaneously afraid to ask.

What was YOUR worst date story?

Tell us in the comments.

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Everybody’s Drinking on Zoom Now and We’re Totally Here for It

Can’t go to happy hour? You’ve always got the internet to keep you company while you’ve got a drink in your hand. Specifically Zoom, the video platform which has surged in popularity and found itself host to an unexpected array of makeshift online bars and parties.

It’s a phenomenon probably nobody would have predicted, but here we are. And Twitter is talking about it. A LOT.

14. Come on and Zoom

Brought to you by viewers like you.

13. Pace yourself

Or brace yourself.

12. Broadcast slumber

It’s like an accidental self-Truman Show.

11. Nothing to wine about

Hey, I can’t give you any good Riesling not to.

10. Party foul

Did you at least do it off camera?

9. Never grow up

The times they are a’changing.

8. Life as we know it

Leggo my ego.

7. The hangover

Welcome home?

6. White claws

Hey all you cool cats and kittens!

5. Drink & Ink

Gonna come out of this with some fresh tats.

4. Blanket statements

Hey, to each their own.

3. Cried and prejudice

When there’s nobody to hang out with in the afterglow.

2. Internal clocks

According to my watch, it’s tomorrow.

1. Reach for the stars

I guess this counts as trying out some new things?

Maybe this trend will become the new normal. If so, I’d like to claim a position as a virtual bartender. I won’t actually serve anybody drinks but I’ll take a rag and constantly wipe down my desk while saying things like “tell me about it” and “livin’ the dream!” I feel like that’s a service that needs to be filled, no matter the circumstance.

Have you had a drunk Zoom time?

Tell us about it in the comments.

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