Month: July 2018

If you’ve gone to school or had a job, you’ve been around some strange people on a regular basis. If you’ve worked for the government in any capacity, you’ve worked around more than your fair share. Speaking from experience.

But these 15 people really have experienced some doozies.

#15. Stay awesome.

“Working in tech support, I was friends with Tim. Tim liked three things, Baseball, Wrestling (WWE), and my comedy. He thought EVERYTHING I said was hilarious. I could tell he was going to start laughing ten seconds before he would; as I would arrive to the punchline (and sometimes, just an end to a normal sentence), he would begin to shake and crack a smile. For example:

“This lady couldn’t understand why her internet wasn’t working-”

*Tim shakes, starts to smile*

“Yeah?”, choking back laughter.

“…and her router was unplugged.”

He. Would. Lose. It. Made me feel like Dane Cook bringing down Madison Square Garden. I love you Tim, stay awesome.”

#14. The wrong target.

“Had a classmate who hung out with the weeb squad, and he would summon you to their table in the library at lunch to show you that he’d drew a voodoo doll and named it after you. (He did this to scare a bunch of kids I guess?)

The time he did it to me, I just said “Thanks Michael.” and walked off. He didn’t like that he didn’t freak me out.

EDIT: Woah, I come back to Reddit to see a lot of people found humour in my story, awesome.

I’d also like to add a bit on…picture me as a giant emo kid. Michael chose the wrong target that day.”

#13. The only number.

“At my college there was a guy we called “The Hat”

He was a morbidly obese guy who wore muu muus his mom made with strangely patterned fabric , slide on slippers, blue lensed John lennon sunglasses and a giant striped felt cat in the hat looking top hat. He had crazy long hair that he wore in a pony tail. He had a beard that was mostly on his neck and not his face. he carried all his books in a very large roller suit case.

He would waddle past a group of people to a doorway and hold the door for the first person in the group then walk through the door and close it so the next person would need to open it up. He use to pick a terrible accent and speak in it for weeks at a time. He “played” an acoustic guitar in the quad by randomly placing his fingers on the frets and strumming up and down while free stying song lyrics about people who walked by. He would eat entire packages of lunch meat during class pulling out individual slices and squirting mustard on them then rolling them up and shoving them in his mouth. He started his own non school sanctioned fraternity of which he was the only member then proceded to haze himself for pledge week.

He was a strange guy.”

#12. Ed Trumpet.

“We have this co-worker. We call him Ed Trumpet. He basically makes these trumpet sounds when he did something good.

He also using his table as his own drumset.

When he comes in he takes of his shoes and puts on these… Loafers…”

#11. We’re all terrified.

“Coworker talks to herself as well as inanimate objects, and responds to herself as if it’s an actual conversation. I can tell what she ate for lunch based on what barnyard animal noises she’s making when she returns from break. She gets on her hands and knees and barks like a dog at random. A simple paper cut would make you think she lost a limb by the screams.

I’m the only person on staff who isn’t terrified of her.”

#10. Six months later.

“I worked at a funeral home for a while and caught my co-worker looking at the dicks of the deceased on several occasions. In the evenings, while I was in the next room, he’d watch porn in the main office with the volume turned up as loud as possible. He literally never washed his clothes. One day, he dropped a smoothie and got it all over his clothes, 6 months later it was still there. Fuck you, Ed.”

#9. Confessions.

“I worked at this movie theater with this girl Liz. Something was a bit off with her but, not intellectually but she was just off. She would develop crushes on male co workers and constantly harass and be suggestive. She would also create very detailed erotic picture books with characters that looked exactly like and had names that were like one letter off from whoever her crush du jour was.

After I got a job as a pizza boy in the same plaza I found out she had created a book called “confessions of a deranged pizza delivery driver” that featured me and her involved in blood orgies and shit and ultimately ended with her character stabbing me and sodomizing me with a knife and fucking my corpse. So yeah, that was Liz.”

#8. Gone for 3-4 days.

 “In college I worked in the mail room for the library system. Most of the other employees were fellow college students but there were three “career” employees, all guys in their late 40’s to mid 50’s. “Joseph” looked like a hippy stoner left over from the 1960’s who smelled of B.O. and pot. “Bob” generally was the guy who would drive the mail to other parts of the campus system and was probably somewhere on the Autism spectrum. He had a lot of strange gestures and ticks and would often rhyme words when he got excited or nervous.

So Joseph and Bob would nitpick at one another every so often and after having worked together for what appeared to be about 20 years, they had pressure points on each other. One day after they began arguing about something completely mundane, Bob went off on Joseph essentially calling him a smelly hippy. Joseph basically sat there and took it and then very calmly just said, “Hey Bob, what word rhymes with Orange?” Bob just starts to kind of get agitated, kept mumbling a bunch of gibberish that sort of sounded like it rhymed with orange and Joseph just kept repeating his question, getting louder and louder. Bob ended up running out of the mail room and was gone for 3-4 days.”

#7. I hope you are okay.

“At my first professional job, I worked with a 28-year-old woman who might as well have been 10. Her parents picked her up and dropped her off, she had to have them constantly reassure her, and her mom handled most of her affairs for her. I honestly never really understood why the office tolerated her incredible childish nature.

The top two moments for me:

She got really emotional because a baby bird fell out of a tree outside. Her mom had to come pick her up, while her dad tried to put the bird back in the nest.
I shared that my family dog was going to be put down, as he was 19 years old and his quality of life was nearly zero. This caused her to enter a screaming fit where she locked herself in the bathroom, and then she couldn’t figure out how to unlock herself. We had to call a locksmith via building management.
Wherever you are, Sarah – I hope you are okay.”

#6. Well, my man…

“Weirdest coworker I’ve had:

I’ll call her Ann. Ann was in her late 20’s, but almost every story of her purchasing anything either started with “My man bought me…” or “My daddy bought me…” – and I don’t mean just expensive things, even her basic shoes and purse were purchased by either her SO or father. So, fairly immature, you get the picture.

She constantly tried to drown out the rest of us making light typing noises and stray conversation by turning up one of those “sleep machines” quite loudly. Her next-cubicle-neighbor constantly had to ask her to turn it down. The white noise setting was okay, but she also sometimes set it to Ocean or Rainforest, and Rainforest included bird sounds.

Even though she was trying to cover up our noises, she had no qualms about making her own. 65% of her job consisted of data entry, but every time she made a mistake, she exclaimed “Cheese and crackers!”, “Dangit!”, “Stars and stripes!”, or “Oh gosh darn!”. And she made a lot of mistakes in day.

She also loved to remind everyone that she was germaphobic and preferred things perfect and clean at all times (of course, she was one of those people who labeled herself OCD even though really, she just liked things neat and tidy). One day, a coworker who sat all the way across the room from her, came in with a bit of a cold. That coworker couldn’t help from coughing and sneezing, and Ann made it known she would have preferred someone contagious stay home, even though the sick coworker kept to herself, didn’t touch the shared stuff, and sat far away from Ann. Everything was silent, when I noticed Ann get up and head towards the sick coworker. Without saying a word, I hear an aerosol can go off, followed by “What the hell, Ann? Don’t just SPRAY ME with LYSOL! What’s wrong with you?? You can’t just sneak up on people and spray them with chemicals!!” Ann tried to apologize, but of course in her mind, she was doing the sick coworker a favor by just drive-by-spraying her with a disinfectant. She kept insisting that, although she would never go to work sick, if she did, she would absolutely appreciate it if we sprayed her with Lysol.

Finally, the weirdest thing was that she always had perfectly pedicured and painted toenails, and always wore open-toed shoes (despite always complaining her feet were cold). But every single time anybody complimented her toenail color or shape, she’d always reply with “Well, my man insists I always have perfect feet and beautiful toenails, so he pays for me to get a pedicure every week.” Finally her next-cubicle-neighbor coworker told her, “You keep saying that, and we don’t care about your man’s foot fetish!”

Also, I worked with her for one year, and could never find out if her “My Man” was a boyfriend, fiancee, husband, sugar daddy, or even his name… For the whole year, he was simply “My Man”. I’m not 100% sure he exists.”

#5. Karl was crazy.

“I worked with a lot of weirdos when I was a security guard — the field seems to attract them — but the weirdest was Karl. Karl used to rinse his mouth with straight bleach regularly, would shoot at his neighbor’s houses out his window with a .22, and once said to me, “Someone has put stones in the toilet again.” When I asked why someone would do that, he said, “To make me look bad.”

I think Karl was crazy.”

#4. It wasn’t even his job.

“I used to work at a grocery store and we had a guy that was a utility clerk, so he basically just pushed carts and stocked shelves. Well this guy would only stock the feminine hygiene aisle. He would stock the tampons about 5 times a day and he would smell each one as he put them on the shelf. He would also clean the girls bathroom and only the girls bathroom 3 times a day, which wasn’t even his job.”

#3. She hated all joy.

“As far as a weird coworker goes. I worked for a construction company in accounting. There were 4 of us in the department and we shared one big room as an office. Our supervisor sat on one side, us 3 on the other. The company was extremely laxed, no real dress code, just get your work done and you could pretty much do whatever you wanted and if you finished early, you could go home a little early and get paid for the day. Anyway, we all got along fine… except this real old lady in the department, let’s call her Leslie. She hated all joy and all of us, the only person she partly tolerated was our supervisor who was much younger than her. She would constantly bitch about the way we “stunk” of perfume, she would pretend to choke when I put on scentless lotion (mind you, she smoked and reeked of cigarettes), she would huff and puff if you put anything on her desk for her to do, if her phone rang she picked it up with “Yeah, what?” Just a miserable old bat.

But then one day, our supervisor sat us down, and goes “I feel the need to address something because it had been brought up to me nearly every day for the past 6 months. I know we are very relaxed here, but apparently phone usage is a problem with some people. I know I use my phone, I’ll try my best to cut down too…” And we side eye each other and Leslie starts to full blown cry. Like weep pitifully. “It’s only HER!” she nearly shouts. Pointing at me, the youngest of all 4 of us, “She just is always on her phone. She never puts it down.” She is sobbing, tears and snot running down her nose, the whole bit. “I can’t take it! She is always on her phone!!!” she shouts.

My supervisor’s eyes get really wide, she’s freaked out and she says “Leslie, I really don’t see her on her phone that much. No more than any of us here.” My other coworker chimes in “Yeah, I don’t see Kristaboo14 on her phone that much and I sit right next to her. We all use our phones occasionally…”

“NO! YOU JUST DON’T SEE IT! SHE IS ALWAYS ON HER PHONE!!!” Leslie screams, her voice echoing in the room at this point.

At this point, my supervisor escorts her out. I don’t see her again the rest of the day. The next day I come in, a few construction guys from the yard are in our office building her a cubicle in the corner of the room. She literally just could not stand to see me. No complaints about the phone after that, but she still continued to be a miserable old bat. I have NO idea why she targeted me, or what the issue was. She was about 70 and I was in my 20s? Maybe it was just the age gap? I have no idea. But it was definitely one of the more bizarre experiences I’ve ever had with a coworker.”

#2. Don’t question my work ethic.

“About 10 years ago the place I worked at (glass & glazing factory) hired this 16 year old kid. Every day that week he would disappear into the toilet for at least 20 minutes at a time, upwards of three times a day. We all assumed he was beating off in there and had a laugh about it amongst ourselves.

It got progressively worse – the Thursday he literally wasted 2 and a half hours in there, until on the Friday the boss told him he needed to pick up his act, to which he replied that he didn’t appreciate having his work-ethic questioned, and that he wouldn’t be back Monday.

That last day, around 3:30pm he went into the toilet again, and at about 4:40 came out and said that he’d been bitten by a redback spider (black widow) and needed to go to the hospital, so he got on his BMX bike and left.

One of the other guys went in there after that to kill the spider and discovered a stash of our touch-up spray paint bottles hidden behind a steel I-beam in the corner of the toilet.

The kid had been stealing the spray paint and huffing it in the toilet until he passed out.”

#1. Just really into Teletubbies.

“I had a coworker that knew every episode of the telletubbies by heart. He was like 30 years old.

EDIT: A lot of you have been asking if he has kids. He doesn’t, he’s just really into telletubbies.”

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