Here Are 10 Hilariously Bad Opening Lines from Novels

Ah, novels. In this day and age, everyone seems to think they can write one, and there’s a self-perpetuating myth out there that everyone has at least one hiding inside them, waiting to be written. The truth is that writing fiction is hard, and an opening line can either make or break the rest of your manuscript.

These 10 authors definitely could have used a bit more tweaking.

#10.

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#9.

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#8.

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#7.

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#6.

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#5.

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#4.

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#3.

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#2.

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#1.

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h/t: Bored Panda

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May 23, 2018

This Cat Has Never Been Outside Before and His Expressions Are Everything

4-year-old Nuka had never been outside before a few days ago, and his owner gives us a quick explanation as to why.

Photo Credit: Instagram

“He has never been an outdoors cat and even if it would be an option here, he’s literally terrified of everything. He’s a scaredy-cat.”

Photo Credit: Instagram

She thought the balcony seemed like a perfect way to test the waters, though, and for Nuka to get a new experience without being in danger.

Photo Credit: Instagram

“The apartment complex I live in is going to have balcony windows installed. As long as I am with him on the balcony, he’s fine.”

Photo Credit: Instagram

Some people saw the pictures and worried that the cat’s expression could be caused by a medical condition, but Nuka’s owner has already had him checked out.

Photo Credit: Instagram

“He has trouble with his motor skills like jumping. He runs into walls a lot, but they couldn’t find anything wrong with him. He’s living a normal kitty life and is a happy derp.”

Photo Credit: Instagram

Indeed. And you know these pictures made you a happy derp, too!

h/t: Bored Panda

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May 23, 2018

Creative People Have a 90% Higher Chance of Becoming Schizophrenic

If you look to history (which you always should), you’ll find plenty of anecdotal evidence that creatives tend to lose their minds at a higher rate than the average population. Famous people, too – van Gogh, Beethoven, Plath, Hemingway…the list of creators with mental illness is as long as my arm and yours put together.

Though previous studies attempting to link the two have been small and varied, a recent study in The British Journal of Psychiatry found that people with “artsy” degrees are 90% more likely to be diagnosed with schizophrenia, 62% more likely to suffer from bipolar disorder, and 39% more likely to struggle with depression.

Photo Credit: Pixabay

This new study is in line with brain scans published in 2010 that revealed similarities between neural pathways of schizophrenics and creative people. In 2015, a different study also found a raised risk of both schizophrenia and bipolar disorder in creatives – though a 2012 study found that only writers fell into the higher risk category.

The reason behind the growing links remains a mystery, with some believing that a tendency to think more deeply can cause emotional instability and depression. Artists also tend to create in spurts, and bouts of productivity and high energy are also linked to bipolar disorder. Genetics could, of course, also influence both mental health and a creative nature.

Photo Credit: Pixabay

One of the study’s authors, James McCabe, sums up further:

“Creativity often involves linking ideas or concepts in ways that other people wouldn’t think of, but that’s similar to how delusions work – for example, seeing a connection between the color of someone’s clothes and being partof an MI5 conspiracy.”

If you work in a creative field, it’s important to be mindful of your own mental health. That said, the incidents of schizophrenia in the world as a whole are still small, so your chances of being diagnosed remain slim.

h/t: IFLScience

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May 23, 2018

The 5 Best Workouts, According to One Harvard Doctor

Health and fitness are a billion dollar business these days, and it seems like every time you turn around, one of your friends is trying to hock some new, amazing, pain-free diet and workout program that’s sure to change your life in the next thirty days.

Well, you can ignore them going forward, because this Harvard doctor has come out with a list of the 5 best workouts available, and guess what? Most of them are old school.

So get moving!

#5. Walking

Photo Credit: Pixabay

Surprise! You don’t have to join an expensive gym or program to get a low-intensity workout that benefits the body and the brain. Just make sure and do it for a period of at least 30 minutes on more days a week than not. Voila!

#4. Swimming

Photo Credit: Pixabay

According to Dr. Lee, swimming is the perfect workout. It’s low impact, so it won’t damage your joints, and it works almost every muscle in your body. In addition, it raises your heart rate and, if done regularly, can help you battle depression, aging, and stress.

#3. Tai Chi

Photo Credit: Pixabay

The flowing, detailed movements combine purposeful breathing and attention to balance, all of which can act as a moving meditation that benefits the mind as much as the body.

#2. Kegels

Photo Credit: Pixabay

Apparently, men and women can benefit from strengthening their pelvic floor. The exercises maintain the muscles around the uterus, bladder, small intestine, and rectum. Doing them regularly can help you reduce, um, leakages later in life.

#1. Strength Training

Photo Credit: Pixabay

Okay, so maybe your Crossfit friends have a point. Dr. Lee recommends both resistance training and high-intensity interval training for strengthening muscles and achieving cardiovascular benefits. Like with the rest of the workouts on this list, consistency is key.

h/t: Elle

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May 23, 2018

12 People Admit Their Worst Habit That They Can’t Seem to Break

We all have bad habits. Traits that we’re aware are less than desirable. And sometimes, even with all the awareness in the world, we just can’t seem to change it.

These 12 people are brave enough to share theirs on the internet. Props.

12. Really need a maid

“I’m really lazy. I mean, I can function – get to work, get dressed, feed myself and my kids. However, most of the time I’d prefer to park myself in front of a tv and do nothing at all. I “clean” my house, meaning I pick up everything, but it hasn’t had a good cleaning when chemicals, etc in awhile – or a dusting. So lazy. Really need a maid because I know after this long, counting on me to magically get the ambition to do it regularly is never going to happen.”

11. Socially awkward

“Not waiting for people to finish their sentences and finishing it in my head

Long winded story telling because I can’t dissect the essentials

Not being able to push myself hard in physical exercise and rather coast through with enough effort but not enough to grow a lot

Dumping sad stories on friends and being an overall narcissist

Inability to accept compliments because they contradict my negative self talk.”

10. Rampant oversharing

“I over share what’s going on in my life. I have no idea why, but it just spills out of me. I try to stop, but I only realize I’m doing it after talking to people.”

9. Introverts unite!

“I enjoy my “me” time a little too much. My social skills are fine but it’s getting harder and harder to leave the house.”

8. It can wait

“I’m a full time procrastinator.”

7. Only negative opinions

“I have a hard time trusting people, or believing that people actually enjoy having me around. I always assume people have a negative opinion of me. It sucks, but I’m trying really hard to break it.”

6. Escape from reality

“Getting caught up in daydreaming/fantasies. My god they’re addictive (and really just an escape from reality) and it’s so hard to get out of it.”

5. Not so funny

“I joke around too much. It’s my way of coping with stress, anxiety, and other emotions and while it can be enjoyable at times, I know it can be frustrating for others too.”

4. Paralyzed

“I get paralyzed when I have important life changing things to do. I always wait until it is too late to do them becAuse the fear of confronting them is paralyzing to me”

3. Not stuck-up

“Social anxiety, but it comes off as me being stuck up to everyone else.”

2. Sorry not sorry

“I apologize for everything (even when it’s not my fault) to the point where I need to apologize because I’ve over apologized and annoyed people in the process.

I also procrastinate a hell of a lot.”

1. My face gets tired

“Resting bitch face. I can try to hold a different expression, but my face gets tired.

I swear I’m not an asshole. Anyone can approach/talk to me. :(“

h/t: Reddit

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May 23, 2018

12+ People Dish on the Trashiest Thing They’ve Ever Witnessed at a Wedding

Ah, weddings. They’re supposed to be classy events where we can sip complimentary free booze and dish about the bridal fashions and food choices with our friends, but most of us would agree that weddings aren’t weddings without at least a bit of drama.

That goes double for these 15 people, who have witnessed some serious sh*t.

15. Why even bother?

“The groom’s family did not like the bride. This was because after they couple met, the groom (aged 32) started to finally have a life and make his own decisions. Before that the grooms parents were his entire life as he worked with his dad and still lived at home. Grooms mom also did all of his banking so the guy didn’t even know how much money he had in his account (yeah the groom was a very sheltered child who turned in a very lonely, slightly weird adult who’d only had one short term girlfriend before he met the bride).

Even though grooms family did not want this wedding to happen, they came to the wedding. The grooms mom, dad and sister then proceeded to ignore the bride the entire time. When they were doing family pictures, grooms family refused to stand next to the bride. When the bride walked into the church, they refused to stand and looked straight ahead her entire walk up the isle. They proceeded to have a “whispered” conversation at the bride was saying her vows. At the reception grooms sister tried (my fellow bridesmaids and I stopped her) to walk into the dance floor with her dad during the brides dance with her father.

They were relentless in their attempts to make sure every one of the 150 guests knew they did not like the bride. The poor bride was an emotional wreck about to have a break down by the time dinner was served. The groom was so angry that you could practically see the smoke coming out his ears. It all came to a end when the groom punched his dad in the face at the end of dinner when the dad insinuated that the bride looked like she belonged at the strip club in her (not very slutty v neck dress with a low back) dress.

His family is utter trash and the groom hasn’t spoken a word to his parents in 3 years.”

14. How mature

“A fight broke out because the bride wanted a bridesmaids and groomsmen dance. A bridesmaid’s boyfriend did not approve of her dancing with another dude, no matter the reason.”

13. Nope

“Wife was part of the wedding party and the happy couple wanted wedding pics with the maids making out wirh the groomsmen, then all of them topless, and so on, the list just got worse… none of them knew each other; there was no warning; just crazy expectation their friends would do anything they asked for their big day.

My wife (girlfriend then) was so upset she walked out crying, so we went home.”

12. He is the best goat mom ever

“My meth-head uncle brought a baby goat to my reception, because he, and I quote, “is the best goat mom ever”. The goat died the next day.”

11. McDonald’s in hand

“I love my husband’s family. They’ve been great to me with two specific exceptions (not my mother in law).

HOWEVER

my MIL and her boyfriend showed up to the ceremony minutes before it began, both with McDonald’s in hand. The rest of his family came in while we were saying our vows. If you’ve been to a Catholic ceremony, you’ll understand just how late this made them. I could barely hear the priest over the pews squeaking. Props to him though, didn’t say a thing about it. Everything else went well though!?”

10. She forgot her teeth

“My ex father in law. He remarried a woman who was much younger than him. Fancy wedding, went all out on the location and the decorations and his new brides wedding dress. He spent a ton of money and it was beautiful.

Several members from his side of the family showed up in jeans, not nice jeans, torn, dirty, frayed jeans, and tee shirts. His own sister showed up in a tank top and jean cut off shorts.And she forgot to bring her teeth. Half of the wedding guests seriously looked like they were part of a white trash carnival.

They pretty much all got drunk and terrorized this beautiful expensive venue.

It was an amazing wedding. I had a blast.”

9. The puke table

“A girl was pretty trashed right off the bat at the reception, and she projectile vomited all over her table. It was known as the puke table for the rest of the night. At the same wedding, a guy kept cutting his dress pants shorter and shorter throughout the evening until they were daisy dukes. He was rad. I also remembered my dancing partner did the splits (while going commando), and there was a huge rip in his pants. His balls were hanging out the rest of the evening. Dear god that was a fun wedding.”

8. Step away from the microphone

“Brother of the groom grabbing the mic while he was drunk and announcing to the guests that they needed “To shut up and sit down because it’s [Bride] and [Groom’s] big day and ya’ll are ruining it by talking and dancing.” Naturally this was after dinner and when the band was playing so everyone could dance.”

7. A quick, quiet annulment

“I was bridesmaid in a wedding many years ago.

During the talk about love, honor and commitment from the celebrant, the father of the bride leaned into the bridesmaids and said something like “wait, they’re talking about my daughter, right? Does she even know what those words mean?” The only photo I kept from that day was of the bunch of us trying not to laugh.

Same wedding, but during the reception portion of it, there was a fight because someone made a disparaging remark about the bride being … well, “free with her sexual favours” to put it nicely. The groom stood up for her and it turned into a fist fight. Turns out she’d never had sex with HIM (which might explain why they married 4 months after meeting), but she HAD had sex with ALL of his groomsmen. During the ~2 months between getting engaged and getting married.

Wedding ended with her drunk & puking on my shoes, the groom went to the honeymoon suite hotel room they’d booked with the sister of one of the groomsmen and a quick, quiet annullment a few weeks later.”

6. Everyone has that one aunt

“We were driving from the wedding site to reception. My friend had a sign that said “Show Us Your Boobs” that he kept him his car. He started waving it and one of the aunts of the bride…. showed us her boobs”

5. So inappropriate

“Was at the wedding of a friend. The couple was inter-racial. Wedding is a lovely combination of traditions from both sides. Bride and groom had decided NOT to have speeches as there were a couple people on both sides who weren’t particularly pleased with them getting married.

So reception begins, alcohol flows and eventually intermingling occurs between the families. Then her Great- Uncle, whom she had been very close to all her life, manages to convince the DJ to let him make a quick little speech. The speech is this lovely little prattling thing about how wonderful the bride is and how Great-Uncle had always felt she was the daughter he never had and if she had to marry someone at least it was a man who had already proven he could take care of her etc etc.

Everyone is tearing up.

Then the Bitch-Queen of Angamar stands up, takes the mic from her husband and says “I’ll now translate for the groom’s family”. Then she TAKES HER TEETH OUT and begins grunting like an animal.

She was quickly dragged out of the building but it pretty much killed the mood for the rest of the party.”

4. How they met

“You know how the groom gets the garter off the bride? Now imagine being in a room with family, friends and coworkers and watching the bride give the groom a lap dance while he removes the garter with his teeth while that romantic ballad, “Pour Some Sugar On Me” blasts from the speakers.

That was probably not a good way for her to tell her parents that she put herself through college working at a strip club. Or for him to tell his parents he met the bride at the strip club.

(And everyone bitched when they wanted a child-free wedding)”

3. Mother-of-the-groom

“My sister’s wedding….the groom’s mom performed the ceremony, decked out in a crazy black dress with a slit just about up to her lady bits, rocking some serious fishnet stockings. She gave a long “sermon” about marriage, and the whole thing was batsh*t crazy. The best part of it was when she was talking about cheating in a marriage, and how the bride should handle it. She essentially said her son would cheat, but don’t worry, because “I’ve got your back.” She was talking about how she’d yell at her son, and that my sister could be mad, but should ultimately forgive him.

Once the ceremony was over, she stepped in front of the newly married couple, spread her arms wide for her adoring crowd, and walked in front of my sister and her husband as they left the ceremony. Photographer couldn’t even get a decent picture because the groom’s mom was blocking them.

Then, this crazy woman changed into a white dress for the reception and kept yelling, “that’s my baby boy” over and over as we all watched a picture video of the couple. So glad we had a few drinks before the wedding.”

2. A full-on melee

“not me but my father went to a wedding of a distant relative, i don’t recall whether bride or groom. the ceremony went off fine, everybody drove over to the reception hall for dinner & drinks, and drinks and more drinks. the crowd was getting pretty rowdy and the groom was pretty drunk by the end of dinner. she was visibly annoyed at his drunken antics through the first dance but things settled down as people danced to the first set.

during the band’s break the bride & groom went up to cut the wedding cake. they held the knife together but the groom ended up cutting a comically huge piece. as she went to feed him a bite of cake he did the same… only as she opened her mouth, he slammed the cake into her face and erupted in drunken laugher.

the bride immediately swung and landed a solid punch to his face. this sobered up the groom and he responded by picking up a layer of the cake and smashing it over the brides head. about that time the father of the bride (70 year old!) and the bride’s brother got to the groom, threw him down and started beating the sh*t out of him. the best man got involved in the groom’s defense and then all hell broke loose in the hall.

it was a full on melee as various relatives and friends started brawling as others ran for the doors. my dad got out quickly but watched from across the street while waiting for a cab. the sheriff showed up, broke up the fight & got the bride’s and groom’s sides separated & calmed down. a couple ambulances came… thankfully no one died but i think the concussed groom had to get a number of stitches & the father of the bride had to taken to the hospital for observation on chest pains, along side a few more assorted injuries.

the minister was happy to shred the marriage license instead of turning it in, and i don’t believe they’ve ever talked since.”

1. Tailgate kegger

“Went back to my rural hometown to a high school classmate’s wedding. The reception was held at the county fair grounds and was basically just a tailgate sitting kegger in an empty lot. Usually this is perfectly fine, but the groomsmen got belligerently drunk and 3 full on fist fights ended up breaking out over the course of the night. Shirts off, rolling in the grass, headlocks, buddies jumping in for a cheap punch, the whole shebang. Cops ended up coming and shutting it down.

Side note: I was also the only person in attendance wearing a tie (including the groom). They broke up 3 months later and it’s really hard to keep track of whose kid belongs to who between them, their new significant others, and their new partner’s exes. Small towns are f*cked.

Edit: grammar”

h/t: Reddit

The post 12+ People Dish on the Trashiest Thing They’ve Ever Witnessed at a Wedding appeared first on UberFacts.

May 23, 2018

10+ People Reveal the Scariest Thing to Happen to Them as Children

Hold onto your hats and make sure the lights are on, because some of these will give you the straight-up willies.

12. Close call

“Someone once tried to kidnap me and a friend at our brother’s baseball game. We wandered off on our own for a while, when this guy came out of nowhere and tried to get us to come with him, and after multiple refusals from us, lunged at us and tried to grab us.”

11. So many creeps

“When I was 10 or 11, a guy came up to me and my friend in a park and said he was a gymnastics coach. We were sitting on the monkey bars, and he offered to “help” us flip up onto the top via grabbing our butts. He told us to meet him the next day and he’d take us to the Y on the other side of the city. We didn’t go, thankfully. A girl the same age as us was kidnapped from the same area shortly after, and her body was found near that Y. Was it the same guy? Can’t say for sure, but he was never caught, and the location similarities have creeped me out for decades. (And yes, I reported what happened to me and my friend)”

10. Psychotic stepfather

“My stepfather drove me into some secluded woods with a chain saw, ax, trash bags, and gloves in the trunk and told me the only reason he wasn’t killing me then and there was because my mom asked him to wait two weeks.

Then he essentially said if my dad got custody he would kill us all, took me to McDonald’s then took me to school late. Told the counselor I had been making good grades so he rewarded me by letting me sleep in.

Dad definitely got custody.”

9. Thought it was popsicles

“Saw red popsicles in the road at the bus stop. When I got closer I realized it was a freshly run over cat with it’s bones sticking out.”

8. Domestic abuse leaves scars

“My dad tried to throw my mum down the stairs. She was screaming at him, it was terrifying.”

7. Boys should definitely not be boys

“The hillbilly neighbors tried to run me over with a truck. They thought it would be funny to hear me scream. I was 4 years old. Their dad was cop so nothing was done. “boys just having a lil fun” F*ckers. it’s been 40 years and i still see that Orange pickup in my nightmares.”

6. Lessons about bull riding

“I saw a man die during rodeo while bull riding when I was 8. My parents were real big into bull riding and the dude just got thrown off and rag dolled when he hit the ground. The clowns scared off the bull and he just wouldn’t move, the EMS dudes came along and put him on a stretcher and carted him away, and as he was being carted we could see his head was turned the wrong way and everyone knew then he was dead.”

5. Beware the cyclists

“I mean, I was a pretty ballsy child and I was not easily scared, but one thing has stuck with me even over the years: I saw a young man on a bicycle being hit by a car, when I was maybe 7 or so.

It really sort of happened almost in slow motion, or at least in my memory. he smashed against the wind shield, then kind of…slid off, and collapsed as a rag doll.

I never knew if he survived.

To this day, as an adult who drives, I’m really, really careful about watching cyclists.”

4. Witness to a tragic accident

“I was about 7. I was waiting for the school bus one morning and about 50 yards away a mother was riding her bike with her child strapped in a bike seat behind her. She cycled in between the curb and a speed bump and fell. Her baby’s head hit a peice of rebar that was sticking out of the speedbump. She got up and ran with the child screaming, “MY BABY!!” a few houses down where cops and an ambulance were handling another situation.

Don’t know what happened to the child. The mothers screams were the most haunting thing I’ve ever heard to this day.”

3. Superhero mama

“We were moving, had our house packed up and we were driving cross country. We pulled into a gas station and I decided to stay in the truck because we hadn’t been on the road long and I had video game magazines to read.

Someone else pulled into the gas station, pumped his gas and ran into the store and tossed money on the counter for the cashier. He came back out, in a bit of a rush, and left the hose in his truck when he drove off. This caused a phenomena known as “Holy sh*t everything is on fire.”

My mom started trying to rip me out of the seat, but I was buckled in and then she also realized “F*ck a lot of our stuff is in this truck.” so she changed strategies. She jumped into the car so fast that she had a bruise on her knee for the next week from the shifter, and took us off down the road, somewhat ironically leaving my brother at the now-really-super-on-fire gas station. But she got me to safety while my aunts got my brother out of there.

From my perspective I finally got a minute to myself, heard a KTCH-TUNK FLOOM and then a 100 pound woman was screaming at me and trying to dislocate my shoulder, and then we were doing 60 miles an hour with a much ghostier version of that same woman driving the vehicle.

Never got my soda though so 4/10 experience.”

2. Sleepover fears

“When I was a smallish, awkward kid (6-7, also only child at the time), I went to my first sleepover with my “friend” and her older and younger sister. It was alright until the mom told us to go to sleep/lights-out. Then my “friend” and her older sister punched me in the ribs/stomach a few times and told me repeatedly that my parents were never going to come back for me, that they didn’t love me, and that they probably died on the way to the restaurant they were planning on going to that night.

I kept trying to be strong but after probably 30 minutes I started crying/probably full-on anxiety attack. Their mom came and took me to the couch and tried to “calm me down” by yelling at me to stop or else I would throw up on her carpet/furniture. I remember crying more and getting confused, do people actually throw up when they’re freaked out and crying? Then at some point I fell asleep (I think), and I woke up in my parent’s apartments.

My mom said my “friend’s” mom was so nice for carrying me home, but took my side after I told her what happened.

It was the most traumatizing thing of my childhood, and it messed me up for quite a while. I never really made friends after that, and had a rough time ever going to a sleepover again.”

1. Near drowning

“I nearly drowned in a recreational swimming pool. Think I was around 6 years old and not much of a swimming talent. My parents had my older sisters look after me while they were swimming around with my uncle and aunt.

At some point I went under and swallowed some water which made me cough badly. I couldn’t stay afloat anymore and was waving my arms all over the place trying to get someone’s attention to help me.My sister saw me and she did something I still give her a hard time over. She.. waved back at me. That’s all she did, she waved back. I thought to myself “I’m dying”.

Luckily a lifeguard saw me and pulled me out in time. Still not comfortable whenever I go swimming now.”

h/t: Reddit

The post 10+ People Reveal the Scariest Thing to Happen to Them as Children appeared first on UberFacts.

May 23, 2018

15 Dead-On Tweets About Raising Daughters

Raising all kids is hard. As the mother of a boy, I have to believe that people who say boys are easier have either never had one or aren’t doing it right. That said, I definitely believe there are unique challenges to raising daughters as opposed to sons, and these 15 tweets capture those differences to a T.

#15. And don’t you dare interrupt!

Photo Credit: Twitter

#14. Everyone needs a coping mechanism

Photo Credit: Twitter

#13. Joke’s on you this time, kid!

Photo Credit: Twitter

#12. Sick burn

Photo Credit: Twitter

#11. Real talk

Photo Credit: Twitter

#10. One day

Photo Credit: Twitter

#9. When you start to long for the days you’re supposed to dread…

Photo Credit: Twitter

#8. Both valid qualities

Photo Credit: Twitter

#7. Definitely ice cream

Photo Credit: Twitter

#6. Consider your answer carefully

Photo Credit: Twitter

#5. A real overachiever

Photo Credit: Twitter

#4. Magical cheese

Photo Credit: Twitter

#3. How chic and modern!

Photo Credit: Twitter

#2. Emotions are valid at any age

Photo Credit: Twitter

#1. That’s why you clean out their room while they’re at Grandma’s house

Photo Credit: Twitter

h/t: ScaryMommy

The post 15 Dead-On Tweets About Raising Daughters appeared first on UberFacts.

May 23, 2018

14 People Admit the Worst Thing Anyone Ever Said to Them

Some of these are real rough, y’all. Be prepared.

14. Not-so-sweet nothings

“He called me his wife’s name. I did not know he was married.”

13. No crooning, please

“I once drunkenly hooked up with a guy I’d been friends with for a couple of years. We were at a party at his place and the music was loud enough to be heard from the bedroom so we didn’t turn any on when we started fooling around. Everything was going great, we had moved onto the actual sex, when he starts…softly singing. It’s not the song that’s playing out in the living room either, he just decided to start singing, and he’s getting louder and louder until he’s really belting it out – “BYYYYE BYE MISS AMERICAN PIE, DROVE MY CHEVY TO THE LEVEE BUT THE LEVEE WAS DRY!” It was…it was odd.

Edit: fixed the spelling you Chevy fans.”

12. Yikes

“I want to see your bones drying in the desert sun. Wish I was kidding.”

11. Ummm

“I’ll do you so hard, you’ll walk with a gimp the rest of your life.”

10. Maybe that’s a good thing

“Put his hand over my mouth and said: “Shhhh. Every time you talk, it goes down.”

9. Ouch

“That was my hip.”

I apparently dislocated her hip.

That put an end to the evenings festivities.”

8. Not friends

“Not during sex, during foreplay. Was with a girl I was interested in, it was our second “date” (really, just the second time we hung out) and we ended up parked in a secluded spot. We hopped into the back seat and started getting frisky. After a bit she stripped completely naked, and made clear she wanted to have sex. Thought I’d go in for a bit of muff-diving before the main event, I enjoy it, and usually girls do too. So I started heading south, and just before I got to it she pulls my head up and says “no, please, I only let my friends do that”.

WTF!?

I mean, if you don’t want cunnilingus fine, just tell me, but the absurdity of the “I only let my friends do that” just killed the mood and I couldn’t get back into it. We talked a few more times after, but that was essentially it for us….”

7. Run away

“Don’t worry. It’s been over a week since my last outbreak.”

6. Just say no

“He yelled out, “Who’s your daddy?” I was going to ignore that he said that but he then said, “F*cking tell me, who’s your daddy?” I had to answer that he was.

I have no issues with my father. He’s a normal dad. So… that was really uncomfortable.”

5. Awkward level: George Costanza

One time things were getting hot and heavy with my girlfriend, she whispers my name into my ear, and, for some reason, I still don’t know why, I proceed to whisper my own name back into her ear. Extremely sensually.

Needless to say, no sex was had that night.

4. Wrong answer

“I said this to a girl once on accident but she probably doesn’t use this site so oh well. She was a bigger girl but I didn’t mind at all. We were going at it with foreplay and such for a little before I started f*cking her from behind and while I did I grabbed her love handles for support. Well apparently she wasn’t pleased that I did because she looks back at me and tells me not to grab her fat and sadly the only thing I thought to say was “That doesn’t leave me much to work with”.

Edit: Well I just quadrupled my comment karma for being a thoughtless ass hole. I guess being yourself really pays off”

3. Honesty is some kind of policy

“Let me know when you cum so I can fake an orgasm at the same time”

2. Leviathan!

“One time during sex my husband was getting close but didn’t want to finish yet. So, he decides to quote Supernatural. Season 7 episode 1 where Castiel is trying to hold back the Leviathans. My husband says “I can’t hold them back” in a gravely Castiel voice. I start giggling and then he yells “LEVIATHAN!” Super loud and we both crack up laughing. It takes us a couple minutes to get back into the swing of things but that makes me laugh every time I think about it.”

1. Just why

“I hope this helps my period come, I’ve never been this late”

h/t: Reddit

The post 14 People Admit the Worst Thing Anyone Ever Said to Them appeared first on UberFacts.

May 23, 2018

Werner Herzog once promised …

Werner Herzog once promised fellow documentary maker Errol Morris that he would eat his shoe if Morris ever finished his movie on pet cemeteries, because he found Morris to be incapable of ever finishing his projects. In 1978 Morris finished his film, and Herzog publicly cooked and ate his shoe. Herzog also made a short […]